"On the other hand, there were proper ways of entering a library. He waddled over to the shelves and selected Humptulip's seminal work How to Kille Insects. All 2,000 pages of it."
"... there is an ever-increasing body of opinion which holds that the Ultra-Complete Maximegalon Dictionary is not worth the fleet of lorries it takes to cart its microstored edition around in."
"The Lord of the Rings is three books long, and each book is as long as three books!"
— Marco, Animorphs
"A big book is a big evil."
— Callimachus, poet and catalogue writer of the Library of Alexandria
"I do not know how successful The Kindly Ones was, how close I got or how far I came from what I set out to say. Still, it's the heaviest of all of these volumes, and thus, in hardback at least, could undoubtedly be used to stun a burglar; which has always been my definition of real art."
"How long is this one? Because I've promised to read the whole thing to my son. I read him the last one, Harry Potter and the Structurally Reinforced Bedside Table."
— Hugh Dennis, Mock the Week.
"I like a thick book because it will steady a table, a leather volume to strop a razor and a heavy book to throw at the cat."
"You decide to consult with the Colonel's bottomless wisdom. Good grief this thing is huge. It could kill a cat if you dropped it."
"Do you realize this adventure is nearing 5000 panels? And now we have to watch you flounder around in a jail cell for god knows how long? Exactly how many panels do you want this to go on for? Over 9000? Nobody wants that. Nobody even wants to hear the phrase "over 9000"."
"If attention span was dead, J. K. Rowling wouldn't be selling paperbacks thick enough to choke a pig, and Neal Stephenson wouldn't be making a living off books the size of the first bedsit I lived in."
"I want to unwind, not read a book that's longer than Rapunzel's pubic hair!"
"So if any of you hear someone pronounce her name "Rohw-ling", you have my permission to hit them over the head with — not with Order of the Phoenix, that would be cruel. Something smaller, like a fridge."
"Here is my outdated copy of the Book of Judgement. I sometimes use it as a support beam"
—Rogal Dorn, If the Emperor Had a Text-to-Speech Device