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Quotes: Dissimile

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Playing Card Games is Just Like Making Love. You usually do it on a table, and you always feel deep shame when it's finished. Also, the older you get, the less fun it is. So remember, always wear a condom when playing card games.

Frans Rayner: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH! Haha...ha...ha. Why are you looking at me like that?
Gordito: You killed a bunch of ninjas in the 80s, so now you've made a bunch more to kill. Your maniacal laughing is like a fat man who's just restocked his freezer with hot pockets.
Frans Rayner: Ooh...no no. I'm laughing like a fat man who is nearing the final steps of his lifelong journey to power. And he's actually in really good shape and not fat at all.

Ronove: Doing boxing with just your arms makes you but half a man. Arms are like the hot roar of a lion. And legs are like the cold snake closing in on its prey.
Jessica: Snakes don't have legs!
Ronove: Pu ku ku, true.
Umineko no Naku Koro ni: Alliance of the Golden Witch

We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club and we give to ourselves.
Andy Dwyer, Parks and Recreation

It's like Russian Roulette. Except nobody's dying, and everyone gets egg rolls. So actually, it's like a pizza party. Except no one gets pizza, and everyone gets egg rolls.
Harley, Epic Meal Time

    real life 
Pimpin' ain't easy and neither is long division.

You can't just say a thing is just like another thing but without the traits that define that thing. Then you're not talking about that thing. 'This thing is amazing! It's like a bicycle but without wheels or handle bars!', and you're like 'Yeah, it's a fucking chair!'
Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

Jerry Van Dyke: Mom, you're a car? I didn't think that things like this were possible!
Mom: I understand there's a baseball team called the Mets. If that's possible, anything's possible.
Mechanic: You call that a joke? I don't care if this thing is your mom, fuck you both. (is electrocuted) AIIIIEEEE!!
Mom: you shall die here!!
Jerry: Cut! Lock down the set! It's happening again!

In my own little way, I understood Michael Jackson. If I use my credit card, they go 'Oh my gosh, there's Lisa Frank who makes the stickers!'
Stationery magnate Lisa Frank

Like a brain surgeon who drinks a martini when he's not on call, the successful kids in your school may smoke pot on occasion, but they are not stoners.
Bill O'Reilly, The O'Reilly Factor For Kids

I mean, I donít know if itís just me, but it looks just like anything youíd see Madonna or Britney Spears do onstage—heh, yeah, get an NEA grant for something like this!
Rush Limbaugh on the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal

Religion, they believe, is a personal matter; if it must be given external manifestation, that should not occur in public places where others may be offended. I can understand that attitude: It parallels my own toward the playing in public of rock music or Stravinsky.
—U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, Elmbrook School District v. John Doe, dissenting opinion

I pointed out, well, once you make it 10, then why would you draw the line at 10? What's wrong with nine? Or 11? And the problem is once you draw that limit — it's kind of like marriage when you say it's not a man and a woman anymore, then why not have three men and one woman, or four women and one man, or why not somebody has a love for an animal?
Rep. Louis Gohmert (R-TX) speaking on gun magazine control

Rape is simply sex. Women enjoy sex, so rape cannot be such a terrible physical ordeal. To suggest that rape, when conducted without violence, is a serious crime is like suggesting that force-feeding a woman chocolate cake is a heinous offence. A woman would be more inconvenienced by having her handbag snatched.
Nick Erikse, London Assembly election candidate (BNP)

I feel like 'embattled' or 'disgraced' will always follow my name. It's like that black football player who recently came out. He said, 'I just want to be known as a football player. I don't want to be known as a gay football player.' I know exactly what he's saying. I'm fighting to get my name back.
—Political exile Paula Deen

A few years ago, some people tried to destroy my family. They attacked my father's reputation, they attacked my mother's reputation, and they attacked the World Wrestling Federation. They tried to rip us apart — but all they did was make my family stronger. And that's exactly how America feels right now. Because on Tuesday, America was attacked. Because America is a united nation. And together, we stand strong. I am incredibly proud to be an American citizen, and I will stand up for my rights and my freedom.
Stephanie McMahon draws a comparison between her family's legal troubles and the September 11th terror attacks

Was it true? Had Lex traded in the red, white, and blue for DiBiaseís green? No, said Luger. Tatanka insisted Luger was lying, while Lex embarked on a lousy PR campaign...
The purpose of this dud of an angle? Vince had to ham-fistedly prove a point about his steroid trial that summer. See, just because someone was accused of wrongdoing didnít mean he wasnít totally 100% innocent. If Lex Luger could be framed, so could Vince McMahon! And I guess that meant Dr. Zahorian was like Ted DiBiase? And that it was the federal prosecutor who was actually distributing the steroids, not Vince? Okay, I guess the parallels ended there. In other words, this angle was the second-most insulting analogy for the McMahon steroid trial in history. But youíve got to admire McMahonís chutzpah for using Lex Luger as a symbol of his innocence on steroid charges.

Kim Kartrashian reached to new heights of 'BITCH PLEASE' at the Re/Code Code/Mobile conference when she said that reality TV deserves more respect, because she works hard and her krap show has more episodes than I Love Lucy. Thatís a good komparison, because itís well known that Lucy, a legendary comedian, got I Love Lucy after the F-list brother of a singer peed on her in a sex tape"''

Super Mario 64 is the Citizen Kane of gaming, in that they're both based on the life of William Randolph Hearst.

Jay: Rich, can you just think about the fact that you compared Killing American Style to The Last Temptation of Christ? Just think about that.
Rich: I'm so ashamed.
Half in the Bag episode 20

'Uh, Lana, I saw Lex torture a guy. He killed you in an alternate reality. He's working with a guy who tried to kill me... He tortured Cyborg. He's generally dag nasty evil. Clear as purple crayon. And you believed that until last week.'
Actually, the dialogue, verbatim, is this:
Clark: "You can't trust Lex." A given now that Lana herself has stated many times.
Lana: "And I can trust YOU?"
This is Lana (and by proxy the writer) equivocating Clark and Lex, intimating that because Clark didn't tell Lana his secret, he's just as bad a guy as Lex is. Lex, who lies, tortures, kills, creates genetic diseases, shoots up hospitals...
Neal Bailey on Smallville ("Fade")

BuzzFeed has been around for a while, but they reached a new low in 2013 with 'The Story Of Egypt's Revolution In Jurassic Park Gifs.' Not only was this 'article' an insulting, condescending simplification of a country's painful struggle for human rights, it made absolutely no fucking sense. The only thing BuzzFeed and the Egyptian political crisis have in common is that they both involve crimes against humanity — in Egypt unarmed protestors have been shot, while at BuzzFeed someone wrote 'They found a democracy DNA strand frozen in amber' and was given money instead of a pink slip. If you don't see the problem, imagine how people would react if a Middle Eastern website ran 'The Story of 9/11 In Aladdin Clips.'