"Playing Card Games is Just Like Making Love. You usually do it on a table, and you always feel deep shame when it's finished. Also, the older you get, the less fun it is. So remember, always wear a condom when playing card games."
—Grandpa, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series
"You give my regards to St. Peter. Or whoever has his job, but in Hell."
— Captain Hammer, Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
Frans Rayner: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH! Haha...ha...ha. Why are you looking at me like that?
Gordito: You killed a bunch of ninjas in the 80s, so now you've made a bunch more to kill. Your maniacal laughing is like a fat man who's just restocked his freezer with hot pockets.
Frans Rayner: Ooh...no no. I'm laughing like a fat man who is nearing the final steps of his lifelong journey to power. And he's actually in really good shape and not fat at all.
Inara: What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?
Mal: That it was manly and impulsive?
Inara: Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was "Don't."
Ronove: Doing boxing with just your arms makes you but half a man. Arms are like the hot roar of a lion. And legs are like the cold snake closing in on its prey.
Jessica: Snakes don't have legs!
Ronove: Pu ku ku, true.
— Umineko no Naku Koro ni: Alliance of the Golden Witch
"We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club and we give to ourselves."
— Andy Dwyer, Parks and Recreation
"Hmmm. A hall of mirrors. This is kind of like one of those things they have in fun houses."
"If fun houses had pieces of broken jagged glass all around and forcefully bring you to them, then sure. A fun house."
"The unfiltered starlight from the lovely constellations above is full of deadly radiation! Help yourself to our complimentary SPF 3000 starblock. And by 'complimentary', I mean 'quite expensive'."
"Welcome to the Sweet Mountain! Insulin will be provided at a marginal extra cost. And by 'marginal', we mean 'enormous'."
— Dr. Eggman, via the PA system, Sonic Colors
"It's like Russian Roulette. Except nobody's dying, and everyone gets egg rolls. So actually, it's like a pizza party. Except no one gets pizza, and everyone gets egg rolls."
— Harley, Epic Meal Time
"I feel like 'embattled' or 'disgraced' will always follow my name. It's like that black football player who recently came out. He said, 'I just want to be known as a football player. I don't want to be known as a gay football player.' I know exactly what he's saying. I'm fighting to get my name back."
—Political exile Paula Deen
"A few years ago, some people tried to destroy my family. They attacked my father's reputation, they attacked my mother's reputation, and they attacked the World Wrestling Federation. They tried to rip us apart — but all they did was make my family stronger. And that's exactly how America feels right now. Because on Tuesday, America was attacked. Because America is a united nation. And together, we stand strong. I am incredibly proud to be an American citizen, and I will stand up for my rights and my freedom."
—Stephanie Mcmahon draws a comparison between her family's legal troubles and the September 11th terror attacks
"Was it true? Had Lex traded in the red, white, and blue for DiBiase’s green? No, said Luger. Tatanka insisted Luger was lying, while Lex embarked on a lousy PR campaign...
The purpose of this dud of an angle? Vince had to ham-fistedly prove a point about his steroid trial that summer. See, just because someone was accused of wrongdoing didn’t mean he wasn’t totally 100% innocent. If Lex Luger could be framed, so could Vince McMahon! And I guess that meant Dr. Zahorian was like Ted DiBiase? And that it was the federal prosecutor who was actually distributing the steroids, not Vince? Okay, I guess the parallels ended there. In other words, this angle was the second-most insulting analogy for the McMahon steroid trial in history. But you’ve got to admire McMahon’s chutzpah for using Lex Luger as a symbol of his innocence on steroid charges."
"You can't just say a thing is just like another thing but without the traits that define that thing. Then you're not talking about that thing. 'This thing is amazing! It's like a bicycle but without wheels or handle bars!', and you're like 'Yeah, it's a fucking chair! It's a chair!'."
— Jon Stewart, The Daily Show
"It's also said that either removing the floating bridle or simply stabbing the spirit would transform it back into a naked whore who would have no choice but to marry the man who broke her curse. It's kind of like the legend of pulling a sword out of a stone to become king, only you're stabbing a headless mule to nail a hooker, so actually, no, nothing at all like that."
"BuzzFeed has been around for a while, but they reached a new low in 2013 with "The Story Of Egypt's Revolution In "Jurassic Park" Gifs." Not only was this "article" an insulting, condescending simplification of a country's painful struggle for human rights, it made absolutely no fucking sense. The only thing BuzzFeed and the Egyptian political crisis have in common is that they both involve crimes against humanity — in Egypt unarmed protestors have been shot, while at BuzzFeed someone wrote "They found a democracy DNA strand frozen in amber" and was given money instead of a pink slip. If you don't see the problem, imagine how people would react if a Middle Eastern website ran "The Story of 9/11 In Aladdin Clips.""
—Topless Robot, "2013's 8 Worst Moments in Nerdery"