"Playing Card Games is Just Like Making Love. You usually do it on a table, and you always feel deep shame when it's finished. Also, the older you get, the less fun it is. So remember, always wear a condom when playing card games."
—Grandpa, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series
"You give my regards to St. Peter. Or whoever has his job, but in Hell."
— Captain Hammer, Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
Frans Rayner: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH! Haha...ha...ha. Why are you looking at me like that?
Gordito: You killed a bunch of ninjas in the 80s, so now you've made a bunch more to kill. Your maniacal laughing is like a fat man who's just restocked his freezer with hot pockets.
Frans Rayner: Ooh...no no. I'm laughing like a fat man who is nearing the final steps of his lifelong journey to power. And he's actually in really good shape and not fat at all.
Ronove: Doing boxing with just your arms makes you but half a man. Arms are like the hot roar of a lion. And legs are like the cold snake closing in on its prey.
Jessica: Snakes don't have legs!
Ronove: Pu ku ku, true.
— Umineko no Naku Koro ni: Alliance of the Golden Witch
"We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club and we give to ourselves."
— Andy Dwyer, Parks and Recreation
"The unfiltered starlight from the lovely constellations above is full of deadly radiation! Help yourself to our complimentary SPF 3000 starblock. And by 'complimentary', I mean 'quite expensive'."
"Welcome to the Sweet Mountain! Insulin will be provided at a marginal extra cost. And by 'marginal', we mean 'enormous'."
— Dr. Eggman, via the PA system, Sonic Colors
"It's like Russian Roulette. Except nobody's dying, and everyone gets egg rolls. So actually, it's like a pizza party. Except no one gets pizza, and everyone gets egg rolls."
— Harley, Epic Meal Time
“Pimpin' ain't easy and neither is long division.”
"You can't just say a thing is just like another thing but without the traits that define that thing. Then you're not talking about that thing. 'This thing is amazing! It's like a bicycle but without wheels or handle bars!', and you're like 'Yeah, it's a fucking chair! It's a chair!'."
— Jon Stewart, The Daily Show
"In my own little way, I understood Michael Jackson. If I use my credit card, they go 'Oh my gosh, there's Lisa Frank who makes the stickers!'"
— Stationery magnate Lisa Frank
"Like a brain surgeon who drinks a martini when he's not on call, the successful kids in your school may smoke pot on occasion, but they are not stoners."
— Bill O'Reilly, The O'Reilly Factor For Kids
"I only saw him once up close, which happened to be when he got a question he didn't like. Was it true that his staff in the 1980 debates had stolen President Carter's briefing book? (They had.) The famously genial grin turned into a rictus of senile fury: I was looking at a cruel and stupid lizard. His reply was that maybe his staff had, and maybe they hadn't, but what about the leak of the Pentagon Papers? Thus, a secret theft of presidential documents was equated with the public disclosure of needful information. This was a man never short of a cheap jibe or the sort of falsehood that would, however laughable, buy him some time."
"I mean, I don’t know if it’s just me, but it looks just like anything you’d see Madonna or Britney Spears do onstage—heh, yeah, get an NEA grant for something like this!"
—Rush Limbaugh puts the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal in proper perspective
"Religion, they believe, is a personal matter; if it must be given external manifestation, that should not occur in public places where others may be offended. I can understand that attitude: It parallels my own toward the playing in public of rock music or Stravinsky."
—U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, Elmbrook School District v. John Doe depressing—er, dissenting opinion
"I pointed out, well, once you make it 10, then why would you draw the line at 10? What's wrong with nine? Or 11? And the problem is once you draw that limit — it's kind of like marriage when you say it's not a man and a woman anymore, then why not have three men and one woman, or four women and one man, or why not somebody has a love for an animal?"
—Rep. Louis Gohmert (R-TX) speaking on gun magazine control
"I feel like 'embattled' or 'disgraced' will always follow my name. It's like that black football player who recently came out. He said, 'I just want to be known as a football player. I don't want to be known as a gay football player.' I know exactly what he's saying. I'm fighting to get my name back."
—Political exile Paula Deen
"A few years ago, some people tried to destroy my family. They attacked my father's reputation, they attacked my mother's reputation, and they attacked the World Wrestling Federation. They tried to rip us apart — but all they did was make my family stronger. And that's exactly how America feels right now. Because on Tuesday, America was attacked. Because America is a united nation. And together, we stand strong. I am incredibly proud to be an American citizen, and I will stand up for my rights and my freedom."
—Stephanie McMahon draws a comparison between her family's legal troubles and the September 11th terror attacks
"Was it true? Had Lex traded in the red, white, and blue for DiBiase’s green? No, said Luger. Tatanka insisted Luger was lying, while Lex embarked on a lousy PR campaign...
The purpose of this dud of an angle? Vince had to ham-fistedly prove a point about his steroid trial that summer. See, just because someone was accused of wrongdoing didn’t mean he wasn’t totally 100% innocent. If Lex Luger could be framed, so could Vince McMahon! And I guess that meant Dr. Zahorian was like Ted DiBiase? And that it was the federal prosecutor who was actually distributing the steroids, not Vince? Okay, I guess the parallels ended there. In other words, this angle was the second-most insulting analogy for the McMahon steroid trial in history. But you’ve got to admire McMahon’s chutzpah for using Lex Luger as a symbol of his innocence on steroid charges."
"Super Mario 64 is the Citizen Kane of gaming, in that they're both based on the life of William Randolph Hearst."
Jay: Rich, can you just think about the fact that you compared Killing American Style to The Last Temptation of Christ? Just think about that.
Rich: I'm so ashamed.
—Half in the Bag episode 20
"'Uh, Lana, I saw Lex torture a guy. He killed you in an alternate reality. He's working with a guy who tried to kill me... He tortured Cyborg. He's generally dag nasty evil. Clear as purple crayon. And you believed that until last week.'
Actually, the dialogue, verbatim, is this:
Clark: "You can't trust Lex." A given now that Lana herself has stated many times.
Lana: "And I can trust YOU?"
This is Lana (and by proxy the writer) equivocating Clark and Lex, intimating that because Clark didn't tell Lana his secret, he's just as bad a guy as Lex is. Lex, who lies, tortures, kills, creates genetic diseases, shoots up hospitals..."
"BuzzFeed has been around for a while, but they reached a new low in 2013 with 'The Story Of Egypt's Revolution In Jurassic Park Gifs.' Not only was this 'article' an insulting, condescending simplification of a country's painful struggle for human rights, it made absolutely no fucking sense. The only thing BuzzFeed and the Egyptian political crisis have in common is that they both involve crimes against humanity — in Egypt unarmed protestors have been shot, while at BuzzFeed someone wrote 'They found a democracy DNA strand frozen in amber' and was given money instead of a pink slip. If you don't see the problem, imagine how people would react if a Middle Eastern website ran 'The Story of 9/11 In Aladdin Clips.'"
—Topless Robot, "2013's 8 Worst Moments in Nerdery"
"Hmmm. A hall of mirrors. This is kind of like one of those things they have in fun houses."
"If fun houses had pieces of broken jagged glass all around and forcefully bring you to them, then sure. A fun house."