*Emperor Kuzco backs into old man*
Emperor Kuzco: DOHHH! You threw off my groove!
Palace Guard: I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the Emperor's groove. *picks old man up by the collar*
"What?! You made me leave work and chase you through the neighborhood on a dog for $25 [to pay a DVD fine]?"
— Nicole Watterson, The Amazing World of Gumball
Klaus: You're going to kill five people over $20?!
Roger: Are you really asking the guy who just last week killed six people over nineteen dollars?
Riku: Hey Axel, we've got a—
Axel: Riku, if you say "problem" and end my date, I will murder you in your sleep. I will slaughter your family to make sure your genes are never passed on. Once you're dead, I'll poison your corpse and force feed the poisoned meat to orphans. And just for the hell of it, I'm gonna kill your best friend.
Riku: Hey Sora, you might want to watch out for—
Sora: The hell I'm your friend! I ain't dying with you, bitch!
Namine: So what do you promise not to do?
Axel/Zexion: We promise not to hijack and/or crash the plane.
Aerith: ...I promise not to attack the pilot if the movie is The Devil Wears Prada.
Axel: I don't know why you regret that. That was the best honeymoon ever.
"Don't you go messing with me emotionally,
Or else I will make you bleed internally."
— G. G. Allin, "Automatic"
I have killed a man for wounding me,
a young man for striking me.
If Cainís revenge is sevenfold,
then Lamechís is seventy-sevenfold.
— Lamech, The Bible (English Standard Version), Genesis 4:23-24
"Men do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy his hunger when he is starving. Yet if he is caught, he must pay sevenfold, though it costs him all the wealth of his house."
— The Bible (New International Version), Proverbs 6:30-31
"Nigga, did I just catch you having fun!?" [slaps his young son]
— Mister Ruckus, The Boondocks
Hey, kids! Did you know that littering in Opportunity is punishable by death? And in case you didn't know, complaining about Opportunity's laws is considered 'verbal littering'!
—Handsome Jack, Borderlands 2
"For each devastated graveyard, one heathen grave is avenged, for each ten churches burnt to ashes, one heathen hof is avenged, for each ten priests or freemasons assassinated, one heathen is avenged."
— Varg Vikernes of Burzum
"The Laundry is infamous for its grotesque excesses in the name of accounting; budgetary infractions are punished like war crimes, and mere paperclips can bring down the wrath of dead alien gods on your head."
The Joker: This town deserves a better class of criminal, and I'm going to give it to them. Tell your men they work for me now, this is my city.
The Chechen: They won't work for a freak.
The Joker: Freak?? Why don't we cut you up into little pieces and feed you to your pooches. Hmm? Then we'll see how loyal a hungry dog really is.
Pray that there's a Taco Bell in Hell! [BANG]
— Souichiro Yagami (when family fights go wrong), Death Note: The Abridged Series (Team Dattebayo)
I once saw my former master murder every single inhabitant of a small town in what is now northern Romania, and not just murder them. For three days, our army visited every torte you can imagine -- and plenty that I hope you can't -- on these poor people. We killed and trotted. We made the streets run with blood. We forced parents to kill their children, brothers to rape their sisters, husbands to blind and maim their wives. When it was over, we burned the bodies and the buildings, and we salted the ground so nothing could ever grow there again. And do you know why we did it? Because as we rode through the town, the mayor's wife did not bow deeply enough as Prince Vlad passed her. For that one tiny unintentional insult, more than a hundred, men, women, and children died in agony. So I ask you this: Can you even begin to imagine what Dracula will do as revenge for having lain dormant beneath the ground for more than a century?
—Valeri Rusmanov, Department 19
"Josh, we're talking about Megan! I mean, this is the little girl who cut the brakelines on your bike because you scratched her yo-yo. Now you think she's gonna let us off the hook after we killed her rare Cuban hamster?!"
— Drake Parker, Drake & Josh, "Megan's Revenge"
"I tickle you, you hit me in the face with a frying pan?!"
— Peter Griffin, Family Guy
"Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?"
— Chandler, Friends
"But I warn you, if this cape shrinks, consider your species EXTINCT!"
— Lrrr, Futurama, "Anthology of Interest 2"
"I am going to create an environment so toxic no one will want to be part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple and salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing could grow there for 100 years. Know why I did that? Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs."
— Sue Sylvester, Glee
"A worldwide financial meltdown, and all so mad little Alec can settle a score with the world 50 years on."
"I heard he killed a kid just for looking at his stoop!"
— Rhonda, Hey Arnold!, "Stoop Kid"
"So... because I didn't know what time it was, you ruined my chance to do something amazing that could've changed my whole life?!"
— Freddie Benson, iCarly, "iCan't Take It"
"I guess it's time to nuke Washington DC and NYC..."
— Jxl5465 on the S6779-2011 Billnote
"Once upon a time in China, some believe around the year one double-aught three, the head priest of the White Lotus Clan, Pai Mei, was walking down the road, contemplating whatever it is that a man of Pai Mei's infinite power contemplates — which is another way of saying "who knows?" — when a Shaolin monk appeared, traveling in the opposite direction. As the monk and the priest crossed paths, Pai Mei, in a practically unfathomable display of generosity, gave the monk the slightest of nods. The nod was not returned. Now, was it the intention of the Shaolin monk to insult Pai Mei? Or did he just fail to see the generous social gesture? The motives of the monk remain unknown. What is known, are the consequences. The next morning Pai Mei appeared at the Shaolin Temple and demanded of the Temple's head abbot that he offer Pai Mei his neck to repay the insult. The Abbot at first tried to console Pai Mei, only to find Pai Mei was... inconsolable. So began the massacre of the Shaolin Temple and all sixty of the monks inside at the fists of the White Lotus. And so began the legend of Pai Mei's Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique."
— Bill, Kill Bill Vol 2
"I built a pillar over against his city gate, and I flayed all the chief men who had revolted, and I covered the pillar with their skins; some I walled up within the pillar, some I impaled upon
the pillar on stakes, and others I bound to stakes round the about the pillar; many within the border of my own land I flayed, and I spread their skins upon the walls; and I cut off the limbs
of the officers, of the royal officers who had rebelled."
— King Ashurnasirpal of the Assyrians
Gloria: You cost me my job! Now I can't pay my bills!
Arthur: And you hurt my feelings. So we're even!
You DARE bring light into MY LAIR?! YOU MUST DIE!!!
— Ganon, The Legend Of Zelda CDI
"Men should either be treated generously or destroyed, because they take revenge for slight injures — for heavy ones they cannot."
— Niccolo Machiavelli
"Barbarians! They burned my favourite chair! We'll kill them all!"
"Oh, tryin' to be friends, but people are jerks,
So I'm gonna put some fleas on you
And the fleas'll have the plague, and they'll make you cough a lot,
And then you'll be too sick to hurt my feelings anymore"
— Plague rat, The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack
This sort of thing used to be civilized! You'd hit a guy, he'd whack ya, done! But with Benedict...at the end of this, he'd better not know you're involved. Not know your names, or think you're dead. Because he'll kill ya. And then he'll go to work on ya.''
Reuben, Oceans Eleven
Listen, listen, cat's pissin'. Where? Where? Under there. Run! Run! Get the gun! Too late, he's all done.
— Old folk rhyme
"Every living creature that directly shares your bloodline is dead. Every living creature that is directly related to any of those creatures is also dead. Anyone who could possibly make a claim to be part of your family is gone now... This — and no less — is the price of threatening my family. Disintegrate."
— Vaarsuvius, Order of the Stick
"...Terminate With Extreme Prejudice did not simply require that the victim was inhumed, preferably in an extremely thorough way, but that his associates and employees were also intimately involved, along with business premises, the building, and a large part of the surrounding neighborhood, so that everyone involved would know that the man had been unwise enough to make the kind of enemies who could get very angry and indiscriminate."
[21:49:27] * lauanana (email@example.com) has joined #iwbtg
[21:49:34] * lauanana has quit ()
* Kayin sets ban on * !* @* .fr
— qdb.us, quote #212804 note
"About a hundred years ago, we Racconans first encountered the Kvrk-chk. At first they regarded us the way they regard all other species: as nothing more than talking food animals. We warned them by subspace broadcast that there would be dire consequences if they attempted to act on this racist belief. They didn't listen.
"Shortly thereafter they seized a Racconan colony ship, killed and ate the passengers and crew, and broadcast footage of the... meal... promising the same fate for all our "arrogant animal race".
"The next day, we incinerated one of their most heavily populated solar systems with a stellar lance. They listen to us now."
—Commander Quinn, Quentyn Quinn, Space Ranger
Rigby: WHAT?! You turned me into a house and killed all my friends just to throw eggs at me?! That's IT??!
Wizard: Yep, that's it.
"When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him."
— Anton LaVey, The Satanic Bible
"Like I said, she's spiteful. Every little slight in her eyes she saves up, and the only way she knows how to repay an insult is death."
— Agent [Redacted] describing SCP-953, SCP Foundation
Janitor: You know, I know you knocked that exit sign down.
J.D.: Well then I'm sure I can expect an appropriate retaliatory response. Maybe you could shoot me in the neck.
— Scrubs, "My Old Friend's New Friend"
Hooch: Who the hell put bouillon cubes in the showerhead?! Hmm?! Did you do it? Did you? If it happens again... I will wait in my SUV; blast me some speed metal, 5.1 surround sound, heavy on the bass... And someone. Will be getting. Mowed. Down.
— Scrubs, "My Changing Ways"
"In summary, ears ringing, jaw fractured, three ribs cracked, four broken, diaphragm hemorrhaging. Physical recovery six weeks, full psychological recovery six months, capacity to spit at back of head... neutralized."
— Sherlock Sherlock Holmes (2009 Film)
"They built a mini-mall, so we built a bigger mini-mall. They made the world's largest pizza, so we burned down their City Hall."
— Lisa Simpson on the SpringfieldĖShelbyville rivalry, The Simpsons
"Goddammit, Wario! I warned you enough!"
"This is for not taking me to the county fair last week, LIKE YOU PROMISED!"
Mr. Mackey: Mrs. Cartman, we have had it with your son's behavior, m'kay? Little Billy Turner is now being treated at the hospital!
Liane Cartman: Eric, why would you do such a thing?
Eric Cartman: [insincere] I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to the school flagpole.
Mr. Mackey: You know that's not the point.
Eric Cartman: [rolls eyes] Okay, I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to a flagpole and then gave him a hacksaw, and then told him I had poisoned his lunch milk and that the only way he could get to the antidote in time would be to saw through his leg.
Liane Cartman: Eric, that was very naughty.
Eric Cartman: Well, he called me chubby!
"You hear me, Kyle? Compare me to Family Guy again, and so help me, I will kill you where you stand."
— Eric Cartman, South Park
"They bomb a church, we bomb 10. They hijack a plane, we take out an airport. They execute American tourists, we nuke an entire city. We make terrorism so horrific that it's unthinkable to attack Americans."
— Gabriel, Swordfish
"You scratch my paint, I scratch yours."
— Knock Out to a street racer that he just ran off the road for scratching his paint job, Transformers Prime
"They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That's the Chicago way!"
— Jim Malone, The Untouchables
"Oh come on! You're going to kill me because I had fake sex on graph paper with a girl who barely spoke to you in real life??"
— Dr. Venture, The Venture Bros.
In the sub-equatorial deserts of Kleizen Onjere, the planet's millennia-old soil conditioning has decayed beyond the inhabitants' ability to restore it. The water table has sunk too low and the earth has broken back down to abrasive orange gravel. At the long day's peak, the desert sweats out pockets of subsurface air, loaded with chemical compounds that sting the eyes and bring rashes to the skin, while bacteria inflame any cut or abrasion. The only refuges are the chains of steep-sided mesas that stand high enough to be clear of the sand-vapour until it cools and sinks away again in the dusk.
The Adeptus arbiters, whose polar training compounds and orbital docks make Kleizen Onjere a nexus point for fleet movements across three sectors, also keep watchtowers across the mesa chains. Moving between them are the convicts, disgraced and sentenced officers of the Adeptus, trekking across the sand barefoot and in coarse prisoners' clothes. They each pull behind them a metal frame that supports a banner-pole, from which hang parchment lists of the convicts' crimes, the dates and particulars of their convictions, the seal of the judge who passed sentence, and the stamps of the chasteners who mete out penal labours or floggings as their particular punishment demands.
The crimes that brought this sentence were light ones, all things considered. Low-level incompetence in their duties, perhaps, or a speech that a judge had ruled might lead to sedition. It could be impiety, laziness, freethinking, or any of the myriad ways of putting the Emperor behind their personal welfare that the penal codes sum up as "thoughts of self."
Whatever the crime, their convictions were judged not to outweigh their ranks, or whatever commendations, ordinations or charters of merit their service might have earned. If there was any question of those weights being equal, the dusty, gasping figure in front of its carriage would be marching into the maw of battle in a Penal Legion uniform, or lying in a red pool in front of an Arbites firing squad. No, the men in the desert were petty criminals.
"The disproportional response! Let the word ring forth, from this time and this place, gentlemen, you kill an American, any American, we don't come back with a proportional response. We come back with total disaster!"
— President Jed Bartlet, The West Wing.
"You know, she ate my ice cream last night. I'll never forgive her for that."
— Asagi's mother, Yotsuba&!
"A sailor's wife had chestnuts in her lap,
And munch'd, and munch'd, and munch'd:—
'Give me,' quoth I:
'Aroint thee, witch!' the rump-fed ronyon cries.
Her husband's to Aleppo gone, master o' the Tiger:
But in a sieve I'll thither sail,
And, like a rat without a tail,
I'll do, I'll do, and I'll do. ...
I' the shipman's card.
I will drain him dry as hay:
Sleep shall neither night nor day
Hang upon his pent-house lid;
He shall live a man forbid:
Weary se'nnights nine times nine
Shall he dwindle, peak and pine:
Though his bark cannot be lost,
Yet it shall be tempest-tost."
— First Witch, Macbeth, Act I, Scene III
(Rubber Soul!Kakyoin is ordering some coconut juice.)
Rubber Soul!Kakyoin: Coconut juice plea-
(Hoshi sneaks behind him and steals his wallet.)
(Rubber Soul!Kakyoin looks upset.)
Hoshi: Hahaha! Got ur wallet! Weehooo~
Jotaro: Hey, wait up, man.
(Jotaro steals the wallet back and hands it back to Rubber Soul!Kakyoin
Jotaro: Hey, Kakyoin. I got your wallet back!
Rubber Soul!Kakyoin: Thank you, but my fury won't be quelled by just tha... GUHUU!
(Rubber Soul!Kakyoin gives Hoshi a coconut backbreaker, which causes Hoshi to vomit up blood.)
Hoshi: Guhgeh, it's the coconut backbreaker!
Jotaro: Cut it out, Kakyoin. He's vomiting up blood.
(Rubber Soul!Kakyoin continues the backbreaker.)
Jotaro: I told you to cut it out.
Dessert comes out and you snag a piece of layer cake but youíre so stuffed that you have to surround it in cling wrap and hide it in the back of the refrigerator to take home later. If someone finds it and consumes it youíll have to commit genocide.
So to restore my repute
As a fierce, fearsome brute
There's only one route I see!
Arrange the slaughter of millions
Of innocent civilians
Then they'll remember me!
— Prince Achmed, Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? Iíll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and Iíve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and Iím the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my words. You think you can get away with saying shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. Youíre fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and thatís just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little ďcleverĒ comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didnít, and now youíre paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. Youíre fucking dead, kiddo.
— Internet copypasta
I donít give a fuck who you are or where you live. You can count on me to be there to bring your fucking life to a hellish end. Iíll put you in so much fucking pain that itíll make Jesus being nailed to a cross in the desert look like a fucking back massage on a tropical island. I donít give a fuck how many reps you have or how tough you are IRL, how well you can fight, or how many fucking guns you own to protect yourself. Iíll fucking show up at your house when you arenít home. Iíll turn all the lights on in your house, leave all the water running, open your fridge door and not close it, and turn your gas stove burners on and let them waste gas. Youíre going to start stressing the fuck out, your blood pressure will triple, and youíll have a fucking heart attack. Youíll go to the hospital for a heart operation, and the last thing youíll see when youíre being put under in the operating room is me hovering above you, dressed like a doctor. When you wake up after being operated on, wondering what ticking time bomb is in your chest waiting to go off. Youíll recover fully from your heart surgery. And when you walk out the front door of the hospital to go home Iíll run you over with my fucking car out of no where and kill you. I just want you to know how easily I could fucking destroy your pathetic excuse of a life, but how Iíd rather go to a great fuckng length to make sure your last remaining days are spent in a living, breathing fucking hell. Itís too late to save yourself, but donít bother committing suicide eitherÖ Iíll fucking resuscitate you and kill you again myself you bitch-faced phaggot. Welcome to hell, population: you.
— Another internet copypasta