While her husband is assumed certainly dead, Chewbacca's wife Malla watches a comedic cooking show about a four-armed drag queen making a pot of smashed meat
. It's around here where the viewer's confusion begins to form into a tasteable hate... If you love Star Wars
and comedy, then this is like watching scientists saw your wife in half. A part of you dies with her, and that magic trick is ruined forever.
Remember that scene in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
when Qui-Gon sat Anakin down and told him about the intelligent midi-chlorian symbionts that live in everybody’s cells and were the physiological basis for the Force? And remember the strange heavy, cold feeling in your gut as the movie layered all that unnecessary pseudo-biological nonsense
on top of something that had once seemed mysterious, magical, and fun? Well, that feeling was your enteric nervous system.
I wasn't just angry that I'd wasted time and money on a bad flick. I felt betrayed. They had taken a premise with plenty of potential, and quite simply ruined it in every conceivable way
. This is also the first movie screening where the audience I was with became openly hostile. It's not that I haven't seen bad movies in the theater before. Up until then, I'd always been in with audiences that had a percentage of people who liked the movie... Or, if the majority did think the movie was bad, they just communicated their disappointment by silently shuffling out of the theater like pallbearers. My Highlander II
audience, though, was actively disliking the movie
. During the love scene, people were groaning and shouting derisive remarks. And when the credits rolled, they didn't just boo, there was a collective growl
. I could see the ushers quickly excusing themselves for an extended cigarette break, far, far away from here
People are quick to point out Jack
as being the point where Coppola
began to lose his freaking mind but either they forgot or don’t know he made this boring pile of trash. This movie is like a tenth rate Godfather
mixed with a dull romance... With Supernova
, and now Cotton Club
you have to ask: why did we ever hire this clown? Oh that’s right, Godfather
, Godfather Part II
, The Conversation
, and Apocalypse Now
I figure Unbreakable
was probably written before the crazy hype took over, because that’s at least on a par, if not better than Sixth Sense
, but his third film, Signs
, is the first time you spot those little warnings. Like the braying donkey laugh of a new girlfriend
, you realise that pretty soon, we’re going to have a problem... It’s a movie clearly written from the ending backwards, with Night obviously thinking about all the breadcrumb trails he’s going to leave.
The fans’ love-hate relationship with the Shat
is a complex and beautiful thing, but embedded deep inside it, like a festering cyst
, is the grudge we bear against him for foisting upon us the strangely bastardized take on the Star Trek
ethos known as The Final Frontier
. That Captain Kirk himself was responsible for risking the relapse of Star Trek
from serious sci-fi back into the joke it had been
in the early ‘70s seemed like an especially galling form of betrayal.
Star Trek: Voyager
was so insanely, teeth-grindingly terrible it nearly killed the entire Star Trek
franchise (and space opera
, arguably, as well) forever. Even Jeri Ryan in a lycra suit couldn't redeem this atrocity, which took every annoying tic and quirk and cringe-inducing faux pas of every Star Trek
episode ever and built a series around it
. It was woefully bogged down by irritating non-characters (all of whom inspire nothing less than an overwhelming compulsion to punch each one of them in the throat
) and plots smothered in politically-correct tedium.
It also had the most hateful comic relief character ever to appear in a sci-fi franchise (the insufferable 'Neelix') until Jar Jar Binks rolled into town. And that includes Herbie the Robot.
What the fuck?
Turning Q into a lovesick jock who has decided he wants to part the waters of the Red Sea otherwise known as Kathryn Janeway?
If that wasn’t bad enough then along comes his missus to turn this into some horrendous American sitcom. Compiling that you have scenes of the Voyager
crew actually entering the Q continuum in some embarrassingly staged metaphorical fight scenes
. It's not just that the dialogue is crass and uninteresting or that Q has been poisoned as a character
or that the pace of this piece could be the cure for insomnia
or that the continuum is no longer a place of mystery and possibilities... it's all of these things and more. This is one of the worst ever Trek
episodes because it treats its audience as absolute morons, it thinks we are all continuity obsessed inbreds
who will take sloppy romantic sputum over an intelligently written comedy. Once upon a time Q featured in knockout comedies such as Deja Q and Tapestry but his day is clearly over – this is his worst appearance by some margin and it is irritating as hell to watch.
on Star Trek: Voyager
, "The Q And the Grey"
If you were to show someone a selection of this, Warriors of the Deep
, The Horns of Nimon
, Mark of the Rani,
and The Monster of Peladon
and ask them to pick the worst of them I don’t think you’d see this one picked in particular excess to the others. There are actually moments of it that border on the compelling. I mean, this is praising with faint damnation
, but it’s still worth noting that, taken on its own and out of context, and judged purely on its storytelling merits, this is merely among the worst stories ever made... what this story does is doom Colin Baker
’s tenure as the Doctor and, in doing so, ensure the show’s cancellation
. In this regard it is the single story most destructive to Doctor Who
. Never mind Michael Foot
. At 100 minutes, this is the longest suicide note in history.
Some mistakes only seem obvious in hindsight. Some errors are easy to judge with the weight of experience and history behind you. Some calls are easy to dismiss and ridicule retroactively, completely divorced from the context in which they were made.
Of course, some mistakes should have been blindingly obvious
when they were made in the first place.
Go on, guess which one The Twin Dilemma was.
Oh, it has flashes of a certain wacky charm
, with the new Doctor all over the place in a state of fluctuating stability—it’s like he’s gripped by the pon farr
... but in the end, between the hermaphrodite slugs and the dubious science and the most ungenius-like genius kids
in the history of television, The Twin Dilemma deserves its place as the 'worst' (or at least most unloved) serial in the storied history of the entire series. And coming directly after The Caves of Androzani
, roundly considered among the show’s best, the comparison is stark and sad indeed.
The reason the storyline is so hard to swallow isn’t just because it’s insane – comic readers like insane – it’s because it seemed genuinely demented
. JMS was a creator most readers had learned to trust from a young age. His stints on He-Man and the Masters of the Universe
and The Real Ghostbusters
, followed by his work on Babylon 5
, Rising Stars
and his first year on Spidey
were relatively beloved.
Now fans can’t pick up a copy of Thor
or The Brave and the Bold
without the looming feeling that it could blow up in their hands. It’s the Roman Candle effect — totally fun until you’re being treated for facial burns. To be fair, JMS didn’t dig the story either and wanted it stricken from the record
after all was said and done... Sins Past
and Sins Remembered
are some of the worst comics by talented creators – Spider-Man
or otherwise – that fans have ever had to endure. The upside? Knowing it probably can’t ever get any worse. Or can it?
Taking photos of a machine does not fulfill anyone’s fantasies, and neither does spraying little bombs with water; not to mention fighting a boss who can’t even be hurt
, or leading a dainty little girl around by the hand.
Remember that officially, there are no clever reasons for putting us through such unflattering experiences: we’re just supposed to enjoy them without a trace of irony... Special mention must be made of the part requiring us to run around naked while being told to turn off the game.
It shows a sense of humor, but it also becomes extremely irritating...Hearing the CODEC ring infinitely
— with pure jibberish to listen to if you answer — is a maddening experience, and it seems intentionally so. I love a good challenge, but this is more of a psychological endurance test. What are we supposed to be feeling during these missions, anyway? Did anyone stop to question the absurd fight against Fatman the rollerblading bomber? We went from fighting FOXHOUND
— the most awesome special forces unit in the history of entertainment — to this group of clowns.
What more can be said about this shambles? It is categorically and undeniably the worst episode of Red Dwarf
– rooted to the bottom of the list, and miles away from its nearest rival. If Derby County’s 2007-08 Premier League campaign was an episode of a science-fiction sit-com, this would be it. In a year where we’re supposed to be celebrating everything good about Red Dwarf
, let’s just be thankful that when there’s an episode as bad as this, it sticks out so much that the decision to put it in last place was shared by sixty-seven people – by far the highest amount, by a factor of 39.
I can say with no exaggeration that the sixteenth Goosebumps
book ruined the series. There were bad novels before it, and there would be good ones after it, but nothing prior to One Day At HorrorLand
exhibits what would steadily become a trademark of the series: complete and utter contempt for the audience.
Oh, you thought the Highlander
series was screwed without lube after the whole "Zeist" thing? Well, ok, it was, but there were at least three separate attempts to salvage Highlander 2
with various Producer's and Director's Cuts
...I can at least appreciate that at one point in time, the creators of Highlander
cared enough about the series and the fans to try to give them something they didn't have to be ashamed of; to make this
make sense. They tried to fix it.
There is noooo
fixing Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time
. No Director's Cut and no fan edit
could restore any
semblance of dignity to this egregious pile of shame. Beastmaster 2
single-handedly torpedoed a once-promising sword & sorcery movie franchise
and turned a cult favorite into a punchline. It was cheaper, dumber, and far more annoying; a complete betrayal of Don Coscarelli's original classic by relocating the Beastmaster into modern Los Angeles. It's so bad you can't even get it on DVD. I mean, Highlander 2
? Pfft, no problem. But this? Sheeeeet.
Hopes were high that Star Wars
could be saved. Maybe we'd all look back on The Phantom Menace
as being "that really bad one.
" But what you didn't realize was how fucking wrong
you were. You couldn't have imagined that even with all the cool Star Wars
-y stuff that Attack of the Clones
could actually be worse
than The Phantom Menace
. That it could be the worst thing since bagpipes
! It was at that moment when you left the theater that you learned to never trust your own judgment again; to live the rest of your life plagued with doubt and mistrust of everything, and everyone
. You didn't realize that the nightmare of your own life had just begun.
...Yeah, you know, I don't even like the Black Eyed Peas
songs I said
I liked. It feels like millions of years ago.