Quotes / Delusions of Eloquence
aka: Shlubb And Klump English

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"I thought everyone was gonna eat the chips
Turns out I'm the only one who doubled-dipped
Robin Thicke, "Black Tar Cloud"

Jerry: Yeah, you know, American college kids. They come over here to take their third year and lap up a little culture. They give me a swift pain.
Milo: Why?
Jerry: They're officious and dull. They're always making profound observations they've overheard.

Redd White: Welcome! Please furnish me with the title of your personage! [beat] Your name! What's your name? I was just inquirably asking the title that you go by.
Phoenix Wright: Uh... Wright. Phoenix Wright.
Redd White: Mr. Wright, is it? Right, I see... Splendiferous. Perhaps I have intimidated you with my giantesque vocabulary...? I'm Redd White, CEO of Bluecorp. You know, Corporate Expansion Official? My business dealings bring me into contact with the elite of the elite. So I'm afraid I am not used to conversing with the wordily-challenged.

This is shit up with which we will not put!
Brenda, Scary Movie 4

Oops! Sorry! Hope that didn't disturb you... It was the sound of books. Pages being turned, books. So I'm NOT a moron.
Wheatley, Portal 2

Freeza: That's stupid! You're stupid! Stop being stupid!
Goku: Or...maybe I'm being rhetorical.
Freeza: NO! NO YOU'RE NOT! God, it's like you just use words you hear randomly to try and sound smarter!
Goku: Huh. Well, now you're just acting transcendent.

    real life 

When he met me, he whined, 'How does it feel to be an on-font-tarribull?'
Gore Vidal on Truman Capote, Palimpsest

The gamut of my career will run in all facets as I progress.
David Boreanaz, thespian

Friedman should only be ingested in column-sized doses; levels of Friedman beyond that are potentially fatal. His books tend to be a melange of the latest buzzwords, orgasms over the newest office tech toys, and a whole bunch of metaphors and similes that pile up to incredibly asinine heights of literary incompetence. Should you somehow feel the need to read a Friedman book, make sure it comes with a translation device.
Rational Wiki on New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman

Those of us who have read any of Jaden Smith’s interviews or tweets know that his words and thoughts are otherworldly star beams that lift our consciousness above the universe where it dances with the breaths of aliens to the sound of humming UFO engines. (I know, I should switch my weed strain or stop reading Jaden Smith quotes.) If a short Jaden Smith interview can do that to a person, imagine what an entire book of his thoughts will be able to do. Amazon will soon stop carrying the works of Plato, Nietzsche and Confucius, because Will and Jada Pinkett Smith’s child is apparently writing a philosophy book and it will become the only philosophy book this world needs.
Micheal K., "Prepare to Be Enlightened"

Those who dismiss Chester 'Chet Haze' Hanks as a lightweight merely because he is the hilariously un-self-aware rapping son of Hollywood legend Tom Hanks risk making fools of themselves. Chet Haze is a theological thinker of uncommon zeal...We mourn the death of Christopher Hitchens for many reasons—the strongest of which is that he escaped being eviscerated by the rhetorical razor of Chet Haze, a fate he most richly deserved.

Here's a challenge. Tell me what this sentence, from [Armond] White's review of the new version of The Taking Of Pelham 123, means: "Audiences who enjoyed the original 1974 Pelham 123 took its grungy dangerousness as a realistic confirmation of their own citizens' distrust." Now here's the rub: I don't want to know what you think it means, what you infer it means when you put it through your own personal White decoder ring, no; I want to know what the words in the sentence as they are actually written actually mean. As, you know, an actual copy editor would understand them. Because an actual copy editor would tell you that the sentence is gibberish.