Quotes: Deep South

I got a shotgun rifle and a 4-wheel drive,
And a country boy can survive

I wanna start relaxin'
Back in Birmingham or Jackson
When we're having fun, why, no one interferes
I wanna talk with Southern gentlemen
And put my white sheet on again
I ain't seen one good lynchin' in years
Tom Lehrer, "I Wanna Go back to Dixie"

Down in Carolina Way
Lived a man name o' Big BJ
BJ went and got a school
Founded on Caucasian rule
Bumper sticker on his Ford
Says, 'Honkies if you love the Lord'
Steve Taylor, "We Don't Need No Colour Code"

Hart: Can you see Texas up there on your high horse? What do you know about these people?
Cohle: Just observation and deduction. I see a propensity for obesity. Poverty. A yen for fairy tales. Folks puttin' what few bucks they do have into a little wicker basket being passed around. I think it's safe to say nobody here's gonna be splitting the atom, Marty.

You know, they're poor only in money... and spirit, and dignity, and moral fiber, and hygiene...
Mike, MST3K

"There's the downtown area of Tupelo. Did you see the skyscrapers? Two stories."
Bobby Heenan, WCW Uncensored 1995

Isn't that the place where the black guys are really lazy and all the white guys are just as lazy, but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy?
Peter Griffin, Family Guy

Rose: They're just so - alien. The aliens...are so alien. You look at 'em, and they're alien.
Ninth Doctor: Good thing I didn't take you to the Deep South.
Doctor Who, "The End of the World"

Real Life

Georgia is the place where all the food is deep-fried, mashed, buttered, barbequed, and shot the day before you eat it. The first question you're asked is "what's your last name?" because they somehow know your entire family. Camouflage is the common apparel, sweet tea is the sweetest, and there are as many churches as there are pine trees.

South Carolina is too small for a republic, and too large for an insane asylum.
James L. Petigru, jurist

I did five days of solitary once, when I was a kid. In Texas. Of course, in Texas you might as well be in as out.

Anything that comes out of the South is going to be called grotesque by the northern reader, unless it is grotesque, in which case it is going to be called realistic.

Southern hospitality is world-famous. Sprawling plantations features stately old homes where visitors are welcomed by stately old Colonels. As soon as you enter one of these mansions and hear the strains of "Dixie" being piped through the Muzak speaker in the front hall, you will fall under the spell of Southern Aristocracy. After a sumptuous dinner of grits and possum, you may even be asked to join the men in the library as they smoke cigars and plot The Second Confederacy. You may even hear the famous slogan, 'If at first you don't secede, try, try again!'
MAD, "The European Tourist's Guide to the United States"

Can we just ask France for a refund of the Louisiana purchase?

Sending the mentally ill into the Phantom Zone. Rejecting science. Krypton is basically Space-Texas.
Chris Sims on Superman II

Nobody goes to Mississippi. Who really says, I've got two weeks paid vacation, let's spend 'em in Biloxi!

I was touring the deep south; to be honest, I find those people to be anything but deep...

God, I hate living in Atlanta. You wanna give the United States an enema? I wanna stick it right here.
Joey Styles, Forever Hardcore: The Documentary

Where the mistakes of the past come alive.

So Thomas Jefferson, who favored separation of church and state, had to go. On the other hand, a new focus on the "significant contributions" of pro-slavery Confederate leaders during the civil war was added. Furthermore, the study of Sir Isaac Newton was dropped in favor of examining scientific advances through military technology...If you have children in Texas, you should move.
Encyclopedia of Americans Loons on the Texas Board of Education

For the rest of the year, I canít say shit like, 'Why wonít my God Bea Arthur answer my prayers?' Because my God has answered two of my prayers. New York Seltzer is making a comeback and video of Our Lady of Cheetosí sister bringing a knife to a Pita Pit fight has graced the Internet. On New Yearís Eve Day, a belated Christmas gift was given to us when TMZ reported that Jamie Lynn Spears broke up a brawl at a Pita Pit in Hammond, Louisiana by waving a long ass bread knife at everyone. The police were told that the brawl broke out after some trick busted a bottle on the head of Jamie Lynnís friend...My favorite part is at the very beginning when the Pita Pit dude notices that a hose beast brawl just broke out, kind of shrugs to himself and calmly walks over to the phone to call the police. There must be a lot of fighting going on at the Pita Pit.
Michael K., "Dreams Do Come True: Thereís Video Of Jamie Lynn Spears Pulling Out A Knife During A Brawl"

Downtown Atlanta has an aquarium, a hotel, a McCormick & Schmick's, and 70,000 TGI Friday's. I don't even know if the buildings are real. The whole downtown may just be a set. I couldn't even find a donut joint. It was like Ebola had swept through the town years ago, instead of just this week. No wonder they did the Walking Dead premiere in that city. You don't have to change anything... I was standing in line for a coffee there (call me Petey King Jr.) and the machine broke and when the machine broke, the people behind the counter did nothing. They just stood there and fucking stared off into space. And if you get pissy with Atlanta people about how slow they are, they just accuse YOU of being the asshole. Why are you so uptight about standing there and having all your time wasted, mannnnnnnn? All Southerners believe that they somehow savor life more than their Yankee brethren because they are so painfully slow, but this is a lie. You people need to get your fucking shit together. You aren't seizing the day because it took you three hours to make a sandwich.
Drew McGary, "Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Atlanta Falcons"