Ambassador Hawkwings: Aaaaaand another shing... how do you poniesh even pick shingsh up with your hoooovesh? I've been here for yearsh and I shtill don't figure know out how. You don't have clawsh like minotaursh or talonsh like dragonsh or fingersh like we mighty griffonsh... *thump*
Office Temp: That's the ambassador of the griffon homelands?
Office Temp: And you are the assistant?
Office Temp: And it isn't the other way around because...?
Platinius: Well, it's kind of our shtick. For the love of your Celestia, please ruin it.
Storm: *Dressed as a pirate* Avast ye scurvy ninja dogs! Ye be trespassing on our turf, and we pirates don't take kindly to ninja incursions!
Platinius: *Also dressed as a pirate* Uh... Yeah! Come and get us! Arr!!!
Night Wing Lieutenant: Pirates! Argh! Forget the Goblet! Let the others deal with it. For now, our blood enemies call out to us! I want their gizzards for shooting me!
Night Wings: REMEMBER SHADOW COVE!!!
Storm: Good, that should give Daring some breathing room.
Platinius: I can't believe that worked.
Storm: I told you, the enmity between pirate and ninja runs pretty bucking deep.
Herpy: Have you thought up some clever plan, Professor?
Daring: Yes, Herpy, I believe I have.
Herpy: What are you going to do?
Daring: Buck a rock at it.
—>— Daring Do and the Curse of the Yeti
Daren: You managed to be there for my kids these last few years while I wasn't. That's worth far more to me than any apology, old friend.
Daring: Don't you dare ask if anything else could go wrong!
Storm Talon: #$%^! My leg!
Tex: The universe heard you, Daring.
Daring: What was that?
Herpy: You do not want to be kicked in the face by a professional adventurer.
Outback Jack: Crocodiles. Any time I'm setting up a campsite I end up having to fight a few off before I get the fire set up. The more persistent they are, the more teeth they leave behind. Half of these are from Billabong here.
Desert Rose: You beat up your own pet for hat decorations?!
Outback Jack: He wasn't my pet then. This is the result of a battle that took us eight days and five nights.
Desert Rose: Wait, how does that — that's not the bucking point! How do you justify this kind of brutality? Surely you could find a better way at warding them off!
Outback Jack: Probably, but I don't know — there's just something about bucking the teeth out of a scaly-back that brightens up my whole day.
Desert Rose: You count yourself lucky I can't always control these eyes.
Derring: ...What are you talking about?
Mareton: Oh, no need to pretend around me, Miss Do. I've read the papers. Some over-eager young newspony hears the latest story about one Derring Do finding the latest long-lost artifact. And after all, you and your sister's name sound so similar, it's a wonder anypony can tell you two apart.
Derring: (all traces of smile gone) That's enough. Get moving.
Mareton: And I can only imagine how awkward it must get when some foal asks for your autograph, then gets all sad and dejected when he realizes it's not the right Daring Do.
Derring: I said stop it.
Mareton: How nice of your beloved sister to repay you like that. Years of looking after your two brats of younger siblings after your father skipped out on you, and what do you have to show for it? A sister who steals your thunder by finding more hidden treasures than you ever could and getting credit for the ones you find.
Derring: STOP IT!
Mareton: But I honestly can't blame your father for that. What father would want to waste his time with an eldest child who can't even take the reins of her own life, no matter how much she talks about it? Little Derring Do, always wanting to be the best, to leave everypony else in the dust. Never letting on that, deep down, she's nothing but a scared little child who doesn't want to be left all alone. What a disappointment you must have been to him. And do you know why, you whining brat?
Derring: (crying) Please... stop it...
Mareton: It's because you aren't main character material. In the great big stage play that is your sister's life, you're nothing but a supporting character. You're a cog in the machine. A footnote in history. You're not your own pony, you're a sheep that thinks it's a wolf. And you can never change that, no matter how hard you try. No matter how many lost civilizations you find, bad guys you stop, or lives you save, you will never be anything more than "Daring Do's Sister."
Daring Do: (grabs Starlight and jumps onto the wagon attached to scooter) Short Stuff get us outta here!
Short Stuff: Okie dokie Doctor Do! Hold onto your potato!
Miss Starlight: (mortified) Is that... a filly... on a scooter?!
(short Stuff nods and ties her hoof to the rope bridge)
Short Stuff: (to Starlight) Hang on lady, we going for a ride!
(Starlight sees Daring's machete and the perilously weak rope)
Miss Starlight: (in shock) By Celestia... she's mad! She's absolutely mad!
Short Stuff: She no mad lady... she crazy!
Swinn: Thank you so much for your hospitality, constable.
Dell: And for escorting us in this seedy town.
Constable: If you two con artists aren't on that boat when it leaves, I'll show real hospitality — in the cooler!
Ahuizotl: If you'd actually stick around long enough in one of them to die, I wouldn't have to keep trying to top the last one!
Blackmane's Log # 513: I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die...
Blackmane's Log # 727: HGLBUSHCD&Yhfhnc w7fh wiusdhflj! Ksdfs df3y49fh3974yfhlu sdfghsdfkjuyswfgklf 3frl, qwegflkjewf gkquflg. 34uirfwheqgf lg fsdgfshdafv, gkjsdg fuyw kfyugf ue6wy4fg. Kawyft akw4t74tf8t74f9837tf 378f t34t3u, tofuygog q3o7gf3 7qf34q 78.
Blackmane's Log # 921: I did an inventory last night. Everything seemed to be in order.
Darrin: This is my marefriend, Doris.
Nagridge: Oh. Okay.
Darrin: That's it? I was expecting... more from you.
Nagridge: You're a pegasus, not a unicorn. Why should I care if you choose to associate with one of the lesser races?
(Darrin has to be magically restrained by Page and Header)
Storm: No way, my racing days are over.
Daren: You got to be kidding me! What happened to the guy that boasted the Wonderbolts would make an exception for him?
Storm: That was decades ago, Daren, back when I had all my original limbs and didn't take a wing-full of %^*(ing shrapnel.
Nagridge: Of all the great ideas I've heard, that's certainly not one of them.
Nagridge: Did you ever consider the many ways that could go wrong? Hawkwings looks down on ponies almost like we look down on griffons, the only difference being we're actually justified in our attitudes. And that's not the only reason why he's an imbecile, my sources tell me the he's here because he knows people in high places, ones that don't want around them to mess things up back home. Plus, there's that subordinate of his, the one that actually does give a load of horse apples. I don't say this about most chimeras in that he's actually competent, though he is obviously an outlier. Unfortunately, he'd be working against us. And lastly, if that idiot were to bungle things while trying to get rid of Professor Talon, he could hide behind diplomatic immunity, while we'd be left out to dry.
Laurentia of the Red Mane: Then where is Herpy?
Gamma Buster: Herpy who? Who the chaos are you talking ab—
Gamma Fang: (aside to Buster) Down, idiot.
Moonbarker: Fine, you pathetic Celestia wannabe. He's downstairs, having developed a sudden interest in mining.
Fang: (aside, to Buster) Uh-oh.
Laurentia: (in a dangerously calm voice) Meow. (epic plot-kicking follows)
Header: But he could turn ponies into dragons that served him. He'd have the greater power-base. The whole reason the night princess turned evil in the first place was because nopony liked her. Besides, she could be distracted by candy!
Nagridge: Hey idiots, I've got an idea: instead of talking about who would win in a crazy mythological mashup between Nightmare Moon and Tirek, you can help me plant blackmail material on Professor Do. Besides, Nightmare Moon needed the Elements of Harmony wielded by the day princess just to stop her, while Tirek was destroyed by a mere friendship rainbow harnessed by a filthy monkey.
Okpono: (entering) Before you can take them, see, you'll have to go through me.
Ahuizotl: Don't make me laugh. I've heard of you; you couldn't hurt a mosquito. (attacks Okpono, who tears him three new plots)
Page: (also soused) Oh come on... supposedly the Princeseseses needed help to stop him...
Nagridge: Nononono, y'see, they needed the magical artifacts to keep the collateral damage to a minimum. If Starswirl could fight him someplace nopony cares about, like in the griffon or minotaur capitals, why, he could probably do it blindfolded and minus his staff.
Header: (again, soused) Blind and staffless? That's pushing it, even for you...
Page: Wasn't the whole Great Beast of Chaos thing just an extended metaphor to the troubles the Princesses had when establishing their rule?
Nagridge: Who cares? We're talking about crazy mythological mashups, wasted at a bar, not some deep allegorical analysisisis.
Herpy: I'm... Oh, what does it look like? I'm trying to steal this airship! Daring's in trouble and we need to help her!
Storm: Herpy, I'm very disappointed in you. I was hoping you'd know better.
Herpy: And what do you think we should do instead, huh? Just sit here? We're going to need all the help we can get!!
Storm: No, I mean you forgot to disable the backup clamps. You try taking off now, and all you'll do is make a big **&^ing screeching sound that will alert everyone in a few hundred yards that you're trying to steal an airship.
Storm: Here, let me. *Unlocks the clamps* Now I have to get back. Nagridge is up to something, and Dr. Rasa is going to need all the help she can get keeping her in check.
Herpy: Thanks Storm. Is there anything I can do to pay you back?
Storm: Don't mention it.
Herpy: Don't be modest, this means a lot to me.
Storm: No, I'm being literal. You ^&(*ing well get caught, I was never here.
Storm Talon: (punches Mareton in the teeth, runs past) Sorry, can't talk, I'm in a hurry. By the way, thanks for dealing with the traitor.
Mareton: (dazed) Marv? Why does my mouth taste like paaaaiiiiin?
Daren: Mareton's vain and likes to talk, he'll try to distract you, but don't listen! Block it out and power on through!
Daring: Wait, I like to talk too...
Mareton: Blah blah blah.
Daring: However, I was with Nagridge in her last moments. Want to know something about her? She was sorry for everything she did, I could tell. And, let's not forget, she had a family that cared about her, and I know Page and Header didn't just follow her because they had to. But you? You're a remorseless psychopath who has nopony. So I take back what I said. You are different... because Nagridge was better than you!
Mareton: (eye twitch)
Storm: I'm old enough to be able to enjoy these kinds of things. Besides, it's an excuse to watch Ambassador Hawkwings get completely salinated on salt licker.
Hawkwings: How do these ponies pick up their glasses with their hooves?
Herpy: Empty out the fridge, hide inside and pray that it can withstand a blast of dragon fire as intense as an atomic rainboom?
(Daring stares incredulously at Herpy for a good 15 seconds; she then runs over to the fridge and opens the door)
Daring: If we survive this, you can expect a thorough lecture on how insanely stupid this plan is.
Daring: Now, as I was saying...
Platinius: I've explained it to you fifteen times already.
Coco Pie: ... I thought she was on the moon.
(Nightmare Moon manifests, steals her power back, lays the smack down on Inti, and trots over his defeated body)
Nightmare Moon: So, you wish for the power of the evening's heaven, my reptilian friend? The power of the stars? My power? (whispers the next line in his ear) Then you shall have it.
(Nightmare Moon wraps Inti in star-made chains and casts him into the sky, turning him into the Dragon constellation)
Rex: What I want is to rip your head off, stuff it full of poison and feed it to your cats. But for now, my mistress has asked me to work with you.
Rex: That weak, simpering idiot is still one of mine!
Fifi: Large, hulking monkeys that walk like minotaurs.
Max: Should be pretty unsteady on their feet. Sic 'em!
Balthasar: (entering with Margarita) En garde to you, too. (with Margarita, kicks Diamond Dog tail)
King Scorpan: (through clenched teeth) Just try it.
Ahuizotl: Oh, I shall. By the power of Hydia, I— (Scorpan lays into him)
Scorpan: Blast. Dinged the scepter.
Storm: If nothing else, it'll get me away from Miss Jumbo. She keeps insisting I eat all my ^&(#ing vegetables. I don't think she quite gets I'm a hybrid of two carnivores. I can only eat so many plants before they start decorating the walls.
Linnet: ...what a strange pony.
Arthur: I blow a raspberry in your general direction!
Linnet: Yeah? Well, I request that you get off my porch, you son of a silly pony!
Arthur: Go boil your tail, you maggot!
Linnet: Your mother was a parasprite and your father smelt of griffon droppings. Now, get off my property, or I shall taunt you a second time!
Arthur: ...taunting brat...
Lightning Kicker: Oh, Chocolate Danish seemed like a nice pony. I guess I'll try the place down the street. I hear Mr. Trot has good prices. See ya!
Storm: Hmm... why does that name sound familiar?
Storm Talon: I am in an excruciating amount of $%&*ing pain right now.
Daring: Yeah. I can see. Sorry I can't really do anything.
Storm Talon: Are those cupcakes? Can I have one? It might help get my mind off of things until I'm allowed some ^%*&ing painkillers.
Daring: Sure. (gives Storm a cupcake) So, what do you think?
Storm Talon: ... This is the best %^*#ing cupcake I've had in my %^&*ing life.
Daring: Really? They were good, but I wouldn't say...
Storm Talon: Wait, you had some?
Daring: Yeah, why?
Storm Talon: Daring, I can taste horse meat in this. While as a griffon, I'm not exactly complaining, but correct me if I'm wrong, isn't it %^*&ing illegal to sell unlabeled meat products in Equestria?
Daring: Well, that doesn't make any sense. There aren't any horses around here, only... Hey, where's Lightning?
Storm Talon: The store owner who insulted my sister wasn't named Chocolate Danish, she was trying to buy a chocolate danish!
Daring: What does that have to do with anything?
Storm Talon: Lightning Kicker went to Sweeney's bake shop because I told him Chocolate Danish insulted my sister! It must have been Sweeney!
Daring: Oh... OH! Prof, you can't blame yourself!
Storm Talon: I'm not a psycho killer Daring, I'm not... *HURK* (Mrs. Hoovett springs from the shadows and stabs him) %^*(! #^@*! Alabaster flamingos!
Daring: What the hay?
Mrs. Hoovett: I'm not going to let you ruin this featherca— (is headbutted)
Storm Talon: (takes out knife) I've had worse!!
Mrs. Hoovett: (draws another knife) Argh! I'll kill you where you—
Linnet: Hey what's all the commotion abou— (sees the scene) HELP! SOMEPONY CALL THE POLICE!!! SOME NUTCASE STABBED A GRIFFON!!
Mrs. Hoovett: Ah horseapples! (runs off)
Storm Talon: That's what this is about? You lost someone close to you? Well guess what, *squawk*-wit? You and bucking everyone else! And in this town, a lot of them thanks to YOU.
Daring: Look, it's over Sweeney, just surrender and nopony else needs to get hurt.
Sweeney Trot: You'd like that grave robber! But I still have the Staff Piece and your friend, and if you want the latter intact, you're going to let me go!
Daring: Wait... you mean... Lightning Ki—
Storm Talon: Oh, come on, Sweeney! Even if the artifact's power could bring back your wife, would she even want you after all this? Would Linnet? The way I see it, there's two ways this is going down, either you give up right now, or else I'm going to gut you like a *squawk*ing fish! (pulls knife he was previously stabbed with)
Sweeney Trot: (shaken for a moment at the mention of Linnet, recovers) Artifact of power, eh, feathercat? Won't hurt to try it... (screams as he gets horribly mutilated)
Storm Talon: (beat) Well, I'm not touching it!
Ghoul: Herpy? You didn't drag poor Herpington along did you? He's not up to the challenge.
Ahuizotl: He sticks out like a sore thumb. We'll find him.
Daring Do: Good luck! Herpy's got a two day head start on you, which is more than he needs. He's got friends in every town and village from here to Dream Valley, he speaks a dozen languages, knows every local custom, he'll blend in, disappear, you'll never see him again. With any luck, he's got the Ring already.
Herpy: (totally lost in a market) Does anyone speak Equestrian? Or maybe zebra or ancient griffon?
Daring Do: Hold it, I feel like we've done this fourteen or fifteen times already. Just skip the monologue and say you're going to kill me already.
Ahuizotl: Curse you, Daring Do! Not only do you foil my plans, but you foil my speeches as well! I work hard on them!
Daring Do: I could say the same about you!
Ahuizotl: I'd like to boast of how, but you'd be able to adapt it to your crises. And I have work long unfinished here.
Daring: Now, Ahuizotl, you know I love you, but I can't give you the ring 'til I've properly proposed.
Roneo: You found it! Thank you!
Greyhoof: (looking at Ruby's flank) Oh no. The plague is back.
Mitta: Did I? Or did I just sell my best friend out for something perfectly natural, and let you destroy two others for the same reason?
Greyhoof: Don't say that! You remember the plague! What happened? All those ponies dying because of the curse?
Mitta: I remember before the curse! I remember my parents having them! I remember almost everypony in our old village having them!
Greyhoof: Y-you remember?
Mitta: Yes I remember!
Greyhoof: No... you can't! I won't let you! You'll ruin everything!
Mitta: Do what you will with me. We all deserve far worse. *Greyhoof caves in her skull*
Daring: That's the third time you said that and that's not even relevant to what I asked about!
Three Leaf: We got everything we need right here, so we rarely if ever leave.
Daring: This place is getting even creepier.
Storm: Okay, why is it that the only pony in this ^&*(ing town that seems to notice me, is also the one that looks like she wants to dissect me?
Colt Leader (as Desert Rose): You mean... um... you can tell the difference between me and the Colt Leader?
Gypsy Bard: Yeah, I've gotten more than a few good looks on her. I've got a reeeeeeally good eye for detail, y'know, even if everypony in town thinks I'm just crazy.
Colt Leader: Um... Really? You're sure I'm me and not... um... the Colt Leader?
Gypsy Bard: Of course. Your Cutie Mark is a veeeeeery slight shade ligh... (interrupted by the Colt Leader kissing her against her will) ... no... nononononono, you can't be! I know you're not a changeling and I could tell if you dyed your fur or used makeup! I even used a glowstone when you came in in case you used magic to change your appearance!
Colt Leader: Poor Gypsy Bard. So much you don't know. Like... um... how I'm wearing Smooze-flavored lip balm.
Ahuizotl: Ah, but I would have had achieved divinity first and thus would not have need of the world. Sadly, The Smooze brokers no such opportunities. Only more Smooze.
Daring Do: Is she really a princess?
Charity: No. And you don't want to tell her otherwise!
Daring Do: Why not?
Charity: That skeleton you're sharing your cell with is the remains of the last one who did.
Applesack: Dragons don't count. And those sheep are political prisoners. I don't force them to do anything, I force them not to do anything.
Applesack: Don't take it too personally, salt lick. Me an' Charity go way back and do this kinda thing all the time. I may rib her a bi—, a lot, but I'd follow her to Tartarus and back.
Princess Sparkler: I didn't do anything to your sister. I used the golem I made for you as a host for the demon Zrackerthod.
Charity: YOU USED MY SISTER AS A DEMON HOST?!
Princess Sparkler: No, all I used was a golem. It's not real. Your sister died years ago.
Charity: MY SISTER IS ALIVE AND YOU USED HER AS A DEMONIC HOST! I'LL KILL YOU!!
Princess Sparkler: I understand you are distressed and thus am willing to overlook this outburst. Mercy is the hallmark of royalty after all. But understand you speak treason in your delusions. Furthermore, I am the daughter of none other than Princess Celestia herself! The blood of the Alicorns runs through my veins and thus I cannot be harmed by lesser mortals as yourself!
Charity: I am NOT delusional! My sister is alive and real and NOT some soulless automaton! YOU'RE the delusional one, "princess".
Princess Sparkler: Excuse me?
Charity: You heard me! All you are is some deluded, crazy fraud! By Smooze, you're not even a fraud because at least some ponies believe frauds! Nopony believes for one second you're a real princess, you just murder them when they contradict you.
Princess Sparkler: So it's treason and heresy?
Charity: If that's what it takes to get through to that dense head of yours, then yes! I'll say treason and heresy for my sister!
Colt Leader: Can you two please, um, knock it off? I'd hate to have to, um, make examples out of you.
Short Stuff: But I heard about what happened to your friends. It's okay to miss them. I miss my old parents but...
Prism Rush: Just drop it!
Short Stuff: But I'm telling you it's...
Prism Rush: LISTEN YOU WORTHLESS WHORE OF A FOAL: I HEAR ONE MORE PEEP OUT OF YOU AND I WILL MURDER YOU!! YOU HEAR ME?!?! I WILL BASH YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE WALL UNTIL YOU GO LIMP AND THEN I WILL GRIND YOUR CORPSE INTO RAINBOWS!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?!?
Daring Do: You have beautiful eyes!
Prism Rush: Why thank you. Wait, what... (Daring fly kicks him into the Smooze)
Daring Do: They looked and sounded exactly alike even before the body swapping! She could have been a changeling, or a magic clone, or, or even Desert Rose's Buckzarro Universe twin!
Mahiavar/Mahavir: (terrified) You ever read H.P. Hoofcraft's Dirge of Discord series?
Mahiavar/Mahavir: Take everything that was whimsical about the Great Old Draconequuses, and replace it with remorseless sadism. And bad, tasteless jokes.
The Statue: Why throw away your life so recklessly?
Optimus Prime: "That's a question you should ask yourself.
Daring: If you don't want to run into trouble, then youíve picked the wrong pegasus. I always seem to run into trouble.
Daring: Not right now, Herpy...
Herpy: Dragon skulls! Tons of them! Do you know what this might mean? This must have been a burial ground for the dragons!
Star Shimmer: Those are mine.
Herpy: (flustered) Er, hello! Who are you?
Daring: Herpy, this is Star Shimmer. She owns this castle.
Herpy: Oh, uh... you must be very proud of your ancestors, Miss Shimmer! They must have been great dragon hunters!
Star Shimmer: I collected those skulls. From shops.
Herpy: Well then, um, there's one on the lower shelf that must have been your first one. It looks so old, it should be in a museum!
Star Shimmer: I bought that one last week.
Daring: (sees where Lepus is staring) Up to your old tricks again!
Derring: (turning around) WHAT?
Lepus: What are you talking about?
Daring: You've spent this whole time alternating between ogling my plot and my sister's. If either of us catches you doing so again, we will bucking GELD you!
Mareton: (who has his head in Swinn's lap) What makes you say that?
Ahuizotl: Objection overruled.
Mareton: Now, Swinny, would you be so kind as to make your statement? Has Daring Do negatively influenced your life?
Swinn: All I have to say is if Daring hadn't chased my Sebastius into the rainforest, we never would've bumped into each other, and we never would've gotten back together. Thank you, Daring!
Daring: (Death Glare)
Herpy: It's quite sad, really. You have so much potential, Swinn, but Mareton's just using you.
Swinn: Shut up, Herpy! You're just jealous that you can't find someone who's as loyal as Puddin'is to me.
Herpy: Uh-huh. And I assume it's because of that loyalty that Puddin here—
Mareton: (frantically trying to signal for Herpy to shut up)
Herpy: —finked on you in hopes of getting time off.
Swinn: ...Is that.. true, Puddin'?
Mareton: ...Finked is... such an ugly word.
Swinn: (jumps at Mareton's throat) YOU LOUSY, SCUM SUCKING CREEP!
Ahuizotl: Order in the court! The witness is excused!
Krastos: Shut up, we're having a trial here!
The Assembler: Logic capacitors offline.
Rex: Here, thish'll get the pain to go 'way!
The Assembler: Isn't your primary complaint with Ahuizotl?
Rex: I know, right... but then I shtart drinking thish, and thingsh shtop not making shenshe.
The Assembler: I am a construct. I am physically incapable of becoming inebriated. And furthermore -Analyzing-, this is filled with chocolate sauce.
Starlet: You're going with one of those?
Greyhoof: Before the plague, my father once mentioned something about a stallion so creative he could bend reality. I'm going to see if he can help us.
Mitta: But what if he has...?
Greyhoof: I'll take whatever precautions I can. You just promise me you'll take care of Ruby for me, Mitta. She has a knack for finding trouble.
Mitta: Of course, you can count on me! I'll keep her safe, no matter what!
Roneo: I'm sure you will.
Daring: Then why'd you attack my non-pony friends?
Greyhoof: They were a threat! Sunnytown was the only haven left! I could not risk it! And I will rebuild it, by any means necessary.
Daring: Even if it's full of zombie pony clones of yourself?
Greyhoof: By. Any. Means. Necessary.
Daring: Yeah! Check your flank!
Greyhoof: What are you... *Sees what she's talking about* No... nonononononononononononononono...
Daring: You do know who he is, right?
Ghost!Ruby: I know. He's Greyhoof. But I'm me.
Sparkler: What are you talking about?
Prince Vladimir: Ever since that doctor made that slanderous claim, greedy opportunists like you have come out of the woodwork trying to capitalize on that conspiracy theory based around humiliating my sister. What is worse is that you do not even have the decency to provide a proper forgery! *Shows document*
Sparkler: What? But that's not what I brought!
Prince Vladimir: Do not compound your mistake by lying! Your associate discovered what you were planning and told us all the details! We only let this charade go on as long as it did in the hopes that you would realize your mistake and back out! Mercy is the hallmark of royalty after all. But you made your decision. Guards! Have this carnival rabble escorted from my sight!
Sparkler: *Struggling* No! Please! I'm not lying! Mother! You must recognize me! PLEASE!!!
Sparkler: *Pathetically* It's all I have.
Mysterious Figure: Your pain runs deep
Sparkler: What do you know of my pain?
Mysterious Figure: Let us explore it together. *She produces a small piece of amber, it glows, Sparkler is transfixed. She begins to tremble and tears stream down her face* Each pony hides a secret pain. It must be exposed and reckoned with.
Princess Sparkler: Inti was an amateur.
Princess Sparkler: I... don't need... to beat you... just trap you! *Rips the relevant stars out of the Panoply of Night*
Star Shimmer: Oh, Prince Umbra's crown! My family had always wondered where that went!
Daring: Prince Umbra? I've studied a lot of Equestrian history, and I don't think I've ever heard of him.
Star Shimmer: I'm not surprised. When the Princesses cast down his father for his enslavement of the Crystal Empire, he went into hiding outside of Equestria to avoid reprisals from both the Princesses and griffon assassins. He changed his name and was probably been subjected to exsilium memoriae.
Daring: Crystal... Empire? Star Shimmer, I found this in a rumored Ultima Mule dig site.
Star Shimmer: So that's what they're calling it these days.
*Cut to Ahuizotl*
Ahuizotl: Mr. Tibbles, have you seen where I left the section of the newspaper with the crossword puzzle?
Header: For the record, I called it.
Entry 128: I feel that I am running out of ideas, and my assistants cannot keep up with my work. Finding new ones has become impossible, so if I cannot educate them properly, my work might be stalled for years, and I don't think Equestria could afford that price.
(after a few illegible pages)
Entry 135: The answer was right in front of me the whole time. If I cannot find an assistant that could help me, I have to build one. Not only could it provide me with ideas, it may just surpass my work if I am dedicated enough. I feel this is the beginning of a major breakthrough.
Claddie: Y'all shut yer traps! Nopony here is qualified to talk right now unless they're made o' metal! Ye can have yer say when I'm done.
Storm Talon: I say we should let her speak!
Claddie: What did I jest say?
Storm Talon: (detaches leg, puts it on the table) That, and I'm a griffon. Now, shut your %*&@ing mouth and let her speak!
Claddie: WATCH YER LANGUAGE, LADDIE!
Storm Talon: Bite my shiny, metal claws!
Doctor Valium: Please continue, Attic Fan.
Attic Fan: And then, Applesack comes charging in, slaps the collar 'round the slave mistress' neck, then bucks her out of my view. Must have activated the thing 'cause a few seconds later, I heard a sickening "pop" and Applesack walks back into view covered in "cherry sauce", saying "I told y'all I'd be back." Though we could tell she wanted to add Sorry I couldn't make it in time to save Rain Cloud. She goes about setting us free, and asks whether or not we had anypony nearby. This being outside Equestria's borders, not really, so she offers us a place to stay while we can sort things out. That's when I first came to 'Smooze Town'. It was nice, really, a place where we could get our bearings, relax, and figure out if I could, you know, the wings. And the spa... oh Smoo- Celestia, the spa. At the camp, I always thought "someday, I'm gonna go home." That place... it was home, I wanted it to be home. It was the first place I felt at peace since getting captured, even if that annoying gypsy mare kept ranting about how these ponies who saved me were going to bring about the Aponycalypse. I didn't care. Thought they were the delusions of a madpony. And when they wanted me to join, I happily agreed. They made it sound like Smooze could wash away all the pain, and make us into one great, glorious goo. I guess the spiked water supply made it sound better than it really was, because I saw what happened to Charity. I still have nightmares about that.
Doctor Valium: Thank you, Attic Fan. I believe your time is up, I'll have the guard escort you back to your cell.
Doctor Valium: (in present) That was the last time I spoke with him, before... you know.
The Assembler: *as it's falling* Clearly that was not the best approach.
Tight Ship: I've never met a pony your age who didn't have a Cutie Mark before.
Greyhoof: *Internally resisting the urge to kill Tight Ship* That's because my talent is hiding. You can't see my mark because it's hidden.
Tight Ship: *Looks away for a moment* I have a hard time believing tha- *Looks back to see nothing* ...Wow, you're good.
Claddie: This isn't even tha first time tha mule's behind stole the blasted thing. Ya suck at yer job!
Minos: SHUT UP!!!
Desert Rose: Wait.
The Assembler: I am willing to spare you, but listen carefully: do not interfere with my mission parameters. If you become an obstacle I will repurpose you like I did those other wastes of flesh
Desert Rose: How dare you... How dare you! (gets in its face with Eyes of Fatima blaring) Listen here, mister. Just because you're big doesn't mean you get to be a bully. You run around claiming to try and save Equestria from soul corruption, but WHERE WERE YOU when the Colt members needed you? They weren't always like that! They became what they were because of pain, and suffering, and betrayal, and somepony using evil magic goo to make them willing to hurt others! They were hurting and somepony took advantage of their pain! Smooze corruption is not an easy thing to just shrug off! When the Colt Leader stole my body and left me in hers, the only thing that kept me sane and going was knowing my loved ones needed me! But what did they have? They lost everypony and those that didn't either were with them in the Colt, or betrayed them in the first place! They needed help! Not a so-called emotionless creature to tear them apart and look like it was enjoying itself doing so! And if, IF, they were too far gone, and they were too much of a threat... (starts to quiet down) I've had animals... that were hurt or sick... and there was nothing I could do to save them... and nopony else could either... they would cry all night in pain, and sometimes... they'd hurt themselves... because they were too weak or broken to... they'd beg to... (begins tearing) I fed them something to ease the pain and let them sleep. They deserved to sleep. They didn't deserve what you did to them.
The Assembler: (completely flabbergasted, before composing itself) I agree that such an approach was not correct. I already paid for that mistake, and will not repeat it again.
Storm: Then we'll leave him at the ^&-, um... then we'll leave him at the hotel.
Ghoul: ... We can do that?
Storm: I think I see it. Doesn't look like an animal. Get in closer, see if you can't find out what it is. I'll cover you.
Ghoul: Why do I have to check it out?
Storm: I'm a better shot, and you're in better shape than me... somehow. (aims gun at sound)
Rayback: (emerges from cover) Wait, wait! It's just me!
Ghoul: What are you doing here, Raybington?
Rayback: I... I wanted to help.
Storm: Arigh... wotoffle... hebewi...
Ghoul: Is that that new language you made, Stormington?
Storm: (quietly) WHAT %^&*ING PART OF "STAY AT THE HOTEL" DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!?!
Greyhoof: (suddenly appearing) Of course it is. After all, no freaks.
Storm: Freak this! (whips out the Ruby, it fizzes)
Rayback: Is it supposed to do that?
Storm: WORK YOU PIECE OF NAGRIDGE!!!
Ghoul: I'll take that as a no, Raybington
(cue Oh, Crap moment)
Gilded Marksmare: Well, they wanted a freak, and I saw that they were calling those three freaks, and I though 'Well, if they think they're freaks, how would I look to them?' and, well, I couldn't resist scaring them out of their wits. But they didn't even try anything, it's not really that impressive! I mean, when you see yourself looking down the barrel of at least, I don't know, five guns? Or was it ten? I never really count them. Anyway, aren't you supposed to run when that happens? Or duck, or anything except stare at me with that face? I guess a few hundred years of not being able to die kinda dulls your survival instinct... Except I would have run in that situation. I don't think this is really something to brag about, they were pretty stupid if you think about it.
Storm: Oh for... just take the %^&*ing compliment, lady!!
Storm: Go %^&* yourself, you nutcase.
Mareton: Hmm. (bucks Storm's wing, with an audible crack) You've got more limbs I can break.
Storm: That all you got, %^&*-for-brains? Where's that vaunted Earth Pony strength? My cubs could hit harder than you!
Mareton: Kind of hard for them to do, seeing as they're dead.
Storm: ... I'm going to eat your spleen for that.
(cuts to later)
Mareton: I see... (Bucks Storm's other wing as hard as the first one)
Storm: You know... we're only... a few days off... from the anniversary... of professor Nagridge's death... Can I... buy you... a drink... when this... is over?
Mareton: If you don't shut up with the platitudes and tell me what I want, I'm going to cut out your tongue and SHOVE A PARASPRITE DOWN YOUR THROAT!!
Storm: Good luck... without any... prehensile appendages... %^&$-face!
Demon Lieutenant: I'm not sure about thi...
(the Colt Leader spikes her wing through the Demon Lieutenant's head, slams him on the ground in front of her, and smashes his skull in with her hooves; then she addresses the other demons, the second-in-command in particular, with the dead lieutenant's blood, skull, and brains dripping off of her with a completely unfazed look on her face)
Colt Leader: Please, I'd hate to have to do that again.
Newly Promoted Demon Lieutenant: (nervously) GET THEM!!
Storm Talon: (stumbles dazedly into the room) I shink you should shut yer doggamn moush.
Claddie: If you don't have anything useful to say, mouse-eater, shut your beak.
Herpy: Storm, wait, he's really angry! Just ignore him, he's still on the painkillers!
Storm Talon: (walks up to Claddie) I don't care! An' no! I will not keep quiet yew, ugly, self-righteous, *kwauqs*-head. I'ma not gonna let yew talk like zjat about my friends like zjat, 'cause yer full o' carp! An' maybe zje only reason I'm not scared of yew right now, is because of zje drugs, but maybe I'm zje only one shinking straight!
Claddie: Don't push me! Don't think I won't break you just because that psychopath beat you up not too long ago.
Storm Talon: (jams claw into Claddie) Do yew know even know what happened? Were yew zjere? I wasn't, but I got zje whole story! We wasn't zje ones who said golems was soulless machines! Most of us wasn't even zjere! It was zjat deserter, Charity, an' her goo-worshipping friends! An' she didn't even do zjat to be mean! She wanted to tell herself zjat Sweetie Bottle was still alive, zjat golems were soulless machines an' her sister was no soulless machine! Daring an' zje oshers spent weeks looking for her when she ran off, an' when Daring came back she said she left zje oshers left in zjat town to look for her! So yew can take yer stupid, self-righteous carp an' shove it... wherever golems shove shings where zjey don't want! (falls over) Should my wings be bending like zjat?
Header: I don't know Page, before working for Dr. Capacitor, I never weighed the pros and cons of being executed as a traitor.
Mr. Tibbles: Meow?
Ahuizotl: Hmmm, you're right. I shouldn't reveal everything. Leave a little mystery. How's about this: I won't tell her about the Hands of Fate. We'll let her wonder about how a demon managed to bypass the Mad Tinker's safeguards.
Daring Do: (whispers while watching from a hiding spot) I know he told me he worked hard on them, but I never really believed it.
Ahuizotl: Ahem... CURSE YOU DARING DOOOOOOOO! How was that?
Derring Do: (whispers while watching from a hiding spot) I take it, he gets the most practice with that one?
Outback Jack: Do what?
Tabula Rasa: Daring's going to blow up the leyline to take out Krastos and the Assembler.
Outback Jack: Wait, isn't taking out those two a good thing?
Tabula Rasa: Jack, do you know how big an explosion a large, destabilized leyline can cause?
Outback Jack: A big one?
Tabula Rasa: You see that forest over there?
Outback Jack: The Everfree Forest?
Tabula Rasa: If the leyline were to go off in the middle of it, then the resulting explosion would require the mapmakers of Equestria to rename it the Everfree Crater.
Outback Jack: Holy...
Tabula Rasa: What's worse is, given what Krastos and the Assembler are, will it even be enough?
Storm Talon: I once made a huge mess of things jumping to conclusions and not backing down when I should've. Didn't want you making the same %&*#ing mistake.
Claddie: Ye still need to watch yer language!
Storm Talon: No.
Claddie: The first thing ye do is STOP TALKING LIKE A BLOODY STEREOTYPE!!! *Sees Sweetie Bottle cringe and winces* I mean... ach, I'm bad at this.
alt123!Ahuizotl: I'll take that!
alt123!Daring Do: Huh? Wha—? Noooooooo!
alt123!Ahuizotl: Better luck next time, Daring Do!
alt123!Daring Do: Curse you, AHUIZOTLLLLLLLLLLLL!
Normal!Daring Do: What.
alt343!Ahuizotl: You're my shmoopy-doopy sweedy-weedy pony pie.
alt343!Daring Do: You're my cutie-patootie lovie-dovie honey-bunny.
alt343!Ahuizotl: You're my heartie-smartie smirchy-wirchy baby-waby.
alt343!Daring Do: I have my special somepony. A kissy-wissy snuggy-wuggy sugar bear.
alt343!Ahuizotl: You're my cuddly-wuddly boopsie-woopsie pumpkin pie.
Normal!Daring: (visibly disturbed) ...We're done here.
Normal!Storm: MY EYES!!!
Normal!Ghoul: I'm not a hallucination. I'm you from an alternate dimension.
alt918!Ghoul: You're not helping your case, Drug-Induced Hallucination Of Me-ington. That's what you said last time.
Colt Leader: Because, um, if you don't, I'll, um, rip your limbs out of your sockets, stab you with your, um, horn, shove your tubing down your, um, throat, and leave you just functional enough to, um, watch as I extract the information I need from your still-pulsating core.
Normal!Ahuizotl: As I said. A world of Smooze brokers no divinity. Only more Smooze.
Daring Do: She wants to sacrifice the whole of the multiverse to it.
Herpy: That makes sense... for her.
Daring Do: I'd say she'd do Krastos proud, but he'd probably be peeved he didn't try it.
Normal!Herpy: You're right. We don't believe you.
Normal!Daring: He knows where the Smooze universe is. If the Colt Leader manages to get that from him, she'll have the largest source of Smooze in the multiverse.
Normal!Storm: You know, we could always just kill him. It's not like you haven't done that before.
Normal!Daring: Tempting as that may be, she's got the Wandering Whistle. And thanks to Greyhoof, she knows how to use it a lot better than we do.
Normal!Claddie: So? Grab the whistle first, and then ye kill him!
Normal!Daring: Good plan with just one fatal flaw: getting that close to the Colt Leader. Or do I have to remind you what she did to alt997!you?
Ghost!Charity: Applesack, what are you doing here?
Ghost!Applesack: I told you, gravy train, I wasn't gonna let a little thing like death keep me from watching your back. Now, I doubt we'd be here if it weren't important, so where're the baby seals we need to club?
Ghost!Charity: (sees the disturbed look they're getting) What she means to say is, "what's the problem we're needed for?"
Normal!Desert Rose: Maybe there's a universe where [The Colt Leader] didn't have to turn out so bad.
Normal!Daring Do: (hugs her) There is.
Claddie: Lassie, it doesn't matter. Yer you. Make yerself the best you ye can.
Rumble Saddlon: My name's not Daisy.
Trench: Is it Scootaloo? Roseluck? Derpy? Celestia?
Rumble Saddlon: (grinds teeth)
Raindrops: I know you're somepony who's had too much salt.
Corporal Clawdius: Looks like she already got here, Lieutenant.
Steel Beak: Oh crap, the general's going to have my head for this.
Daring: (glares daggers at Storm Talon)