Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
— Unknown
Fiction
Film - Animated
Ethical Bug: Y-y-you're not gonna shoot a puppy, are ya, Jack?
Jack Horner: (entirely nonchalantly) Yeah. In the face. Why?
Jack Horner: (entirely nonchalantly) Yeah. In the face. Why?
Film - Live-Action
Randal: Since when is it a crime to say porch monkey?
Becky: Oh, I don’t know, since forever!
Randal: Why?
Dante: Because porch monkey is a racial slur against Black people!
Randal: No it’s not. Nigger is.
Dante: Randal!
Elias: Did Randal just call Mr Dante a nigger?
Becky: Shut up Elias!
Randal: I didn’t call Dante a nigger, I just said that nigger is a racial slur.
Dante: So is porch monkey!
Randall: Oh it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog, those are racial slurs. Porch monkey is not.
Becky: Oh, I don’t know, since forever!
Randal: Why?
Dante: Because porch monkey is a racial slur against Black people!
Randal: No it’s not. Nigger is.
Dante: Randal!
Elias: Did Randal just call Mr Dante a nigger?
Becky: Shut up Elias!
Randal: I didn’t call Dante a nigger, I just said that nigger is a racial slur.
Dante: So is porch monkey!
Randall: Oh it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog, those are racial slurs. Porch monkey is not.
Live-Action TV
Michael:...if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
Dwight: You were being really funny, and then you went too far.
Michael: I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.
Dwight: No, it's still...
Michael: Okay, geniuses, how would you do it?
[...]
Dwight: The whole two-bullet thing is a red herring, here's how you do it: you line them all up, you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat at the same time. Watch this. Phyllis, you're Hitler, come up here. Toby, you're Toby, Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up...
Ready? One bullet. And...boom! (simulates shooting all three)
(everyone claps)
Dwight: You were being really funny, and then you went too far.
Michael: I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.
Dwight: No, it's still...
Michael: Okay, geniuses, how would you do it?
[...]
Dwight: The whole two-bullet thing is a red herring, here's how you do it: you line them all up, you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat at the same time. Watch this. Phyllis, you're Hitler, come up here. Toby, you're Toby, Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up...
Ready? One bullet. And...boom! (simulates shooting all three)
(everyone claps)
Mal: Kaylee's dead.
Simon: [dramatic slow-motion running down to the medical bay to see... Kaylee perfectly alive and well] That man's psychotic.
[Ironic Echo Cut of Mal with Zoe and Wash laughing their asses off]
Wash: You are psychotic!
Mal: Hahaha, ahhh... I'm a bad man.
— Firefly
Colin Mochrie: So then my colon is lying right on my chest. I wake up in the middle of the surgery; I accidentally swallow half of it! "How did that happen?" I'm wondering. Well then all of a sudden, that's when the laxative hits! So I'm LYING there, wondering "How the heck am I gonna get out of this?"
(Ryan Stiles drags him offstage)
— Whose Line Is It Anyway?, "Scenes From A Hat" - "Topics of Discussion That Always Ruin a Dinner Party"
Music
I shall perform the aforementioned vice
Until Hell freezes over—then I'll do it on the ice
Until Hell freezes over—then I'll do it on the ice
—Al Duvall, "Labias & Genitalmen"
Video Games
At first it was funny, then it just got sad, but then it got funny again. Ho, man...
—Ellis, Left 4 Dead 2
Edea: L-let's get out of here! I've had it with this creepy ghost ship!
Ringabel: I agree. There's no women here, either.
Edea: Your womanizing is so far beyond appalling that it's almost impressive.
Ringabel: I agree. There's no women here, either.
Edea: Your womanizing is so far beyond appalling that it's almost impressive.
If this scene was a person they would wear a black fedora and have a patchy oily beard
— Comment
on a cutscene from DmC: Devil May Cry
on a cutscene from DmC: Devil May Cry"We seem to be losing pressure on Level 17. Please hold your breath against the harsh vacuum of space until you pass out from oxygen starvation. After that, you won't care. Enjoy the ride!"
— Dr. Eggman, Sonic Colors
Web Animation
This is so offensive... that it's not really offensive anymore!
— Marzipan, Homestar Runner regarding her halloween "costume"
That is literally the absolute worst thing you could have said. Thank you.
—Sister of Battle Canoness, If the Emperor Had a Text-to-Speech Device, "Special 2: Warp Hijinks"
You say "racist", I say "funny as hell".
— Tails, Sonic Zombie, "Sonic Zombie Vengeance"
Web Video
Reiner: Nice! Now it's your turn to be the starving orphan with the knife.
Eren: Don't you think the title of this training is a little inappropriate?
Reiner: Don't you think you should be trying to stab me for food, you orphan?
Dear Chief Replacement,
I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with.
That's right.
I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey.
Follow me @TheCrimsonFuckr!
—Alucard's latest of 400+ Death Threats sent to The Popenote , Hellsing Ultimate Abridged
Alucard: Ninja Catholic suicide bombers? What a fun day!
(Multiple Iscariot paladins blow themselves up while shouting "God is great!")
Alucard: Is it racist to say that sounds better in Arabic?
(Multiple Iscariot paladins blow themselves up while shouting "God is great!")
Alucard: Is it racist to say that sounds better in Arabic?
Kirito: (Sees Kains hanging from a bell tower with a sword through his chest) Huh, look. A Human Piñata.
Asuna: Kirito, he's DYING!
Kirito: Uh, correction: he's suffering. The town's a Safe Zone. Probably hurts like a bitch, but he's not going to die in here...
Sir Suffers-A-Lot: Help... me...
Kirito: Hey man, when you pop can you try to send the candy over this way?
Asuna: I'm gonna go cut him down you jackass.
Kirito: I'll save you a KitKat. Hey, anybody got like a thirty-foot stick? I want to take a crack at this thing.
Asuna: Kirito, he's DYING!
Kirito: Uh, correction: he's suffering. The town's a Safe Zone. Probably hurts like a bitch, but he's not going to die in here...
Sir Suffers-A-Lot: Help... me...
Kirito: Hey man, when you pop can you try to send the candy over this way?
Asuna: I'm gonna go cut him down you jackass.
Kirito: I'll save you a KitKat. Hey, anybody got like a thirty-foot stick? I want to take a crack at this thing.
Leafa: So anyway, these friends figure it would make the perfect place for their roleplaying, and seeing the wide variety of playable races, they decided the stage was perfectly set for a campaign they dreamt of since they were children: race war.
Kirito: (eating his food) Yep, tastes like shirt... What?
Leafa: Yeah! You see, rumor has it the first race to make it to the top of The World Tree will have any wish they want granted by the fairy king, Oberon. So naturally, whoever wins that race, wins the war. Race war! #RaceWar!
Kirito: Ohhhohoh, okay. I mean, I get that you call it that, but that's not as bad as-
Leafa: (deadpan) There's also quite a bit of racial violence.
Kirito: (eating his food) Yep, tastes like shirt... What?
Leafa: Yeah! You see, rumor has it the first race to make it to the top of The World Tree will have any wish they want granted by the fairy king, Oberon. So naturally, whoever wins that race, wins the war. Race war! #RaceWar!
Kirito: Ohhhohoh, okay. I mean, I get that you call it that, but that's not as bad as-
Leafa: (deadpan) There's also quite a bit of racial violence.
Jotaro: Wow... That was incredibly offensive.
DIO: HILARIOUSLY offensive!
DIO: HILARIOUSLY offensive!
"Look, I get that this is horrible. And offensive. I know that. But it's so damn stupid! How could you not love this, Australia?!"
Kirk: Starfleet, do you have them?
Starfleet Transporter Chief: Enterprise, what we got back didn't live long... fortunately.
YouTube Commenter: I suppose what they got back didn't prosper either. note
Webcomics
Rayne: I crossed the line there, didn't I?
Noel: You told the line to go fuck itself. Then got its mom pregnant. Then aborted the resulting baby.
Noel: You told the line to go fuck itself. Then got its mom pregnant. Then aborted the resulting baby.
Davan: Y'know, Jason, there's a fine line between parody and basically wearing a sign that says, "please lynch me".
Jason: And it's our job to spread our posterior cheeks and empty our bowels upon that line — in a literary sense, of course. Now, we need a dance number. How's this for a song — "God Wants More Animal Testing"?
Jason: And it's our job to spread our posterior cheeks and empty our bowels upon that line — in a literary sense, of course. Now, we need a dance number. How's this for a song — "God Wants More Animal Testing"?
King mogeko: note Nothing's wrong with me! What is wrong with you, to make you refuse to play with me?note
Miriam: note You're the one who's wrong!!!! You are behaving like a spoiled child, and you are ruining your kingdom!!!
King mogeko: Y-you dare to say that?!? Argh... Y-you sound just like Nega-Mogeko... I am going to have to punish you severely for saying such things. You take that back, or I will spank you until the fur falls off of your bottom!!!
Luigifan: *visibly struggling not to laugh* Must... not... burst out laughing... at ridiculous mental image!
Cassandra: note IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!
Luigifan: I'm sorry, it's just so absurd-
Cassandra: My daughter getting abused is absurd?!?
Luigifan: I agree that sexual abuse is no laughing matter, but spanking someone's fur off?!? Just... just... what?!? I'm sorry, but when you go that far, it just can't be taken seriously. It's just too over-the-top!
Cassandra: We are talking about a threat to my daughter's well-being! I have to take it seriously!
Miriam: note You're the one who's wrong!!!! You are behaving like a spoiled child, and you are ruining your kingdom!!!
King mogeko: Y-you dare to say that?!? Argh... Y-you sound just like Nega-Mogeko... I am going to have to punish you severely for saying such things. You take that back, or I will spank you until the fur falls off of your bottom!!!
Luigifan: *visibly struggling not to laugh* Must... not... burst out laughing... at ridiculous mental image!
Cassandra: note IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!
Luigifan: I'm sorry, it's just so absurd-
Cassandra: My daughter getting abused is absurd?!?
Luigifan: I agree that sexual abuse is no laughing matter, but spanking someone's fur off?!? Just... just... what?!? I'm sorry, but when you go that far, it just can't be taken seriously. It's just too over-the-top!
Cassandra: We are talking about a threat to my daughter's well-being! I have to take it seriously!
— Luigifan and Cassandra discussing King mogeko's bizarre sexual threats towards Miriam during the Final Battle of the "Scaredy Fox Training" roleplay of White Dark Lifenote
of White Dark Lifenote Western Animation
I like to think that I'm a patient, tolerant woman and there's no line you could cross to make me stop loving you. But last night you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it!
— Marge Simpson, on Homer's drunken antics at a party
(After getting zapped with heat vision) Hey, that's not funny!
(Wanda then gets zapped)
Now it's funny!
— Cosmo, The Fairly Oddparents
Real Life
The plain working truth is that it is not only good for people to be shocked occasionally, but absolutely necessary to the progress of society that they should be shocked pretty often.
—George Bernard Shaw, The Quintessence of Ibsenism
History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.
— Karl Marx
I have always liked to find out (even as a kid) where the line was drawn. Then deliberately step across it. Bringing the audience with me and making them happy that they came.
I may disapprove of a movie for going too far, and yet have a sneaky regard for a movie that goes much, much farther than merely too far.
— Roger Ebert on Shoot 'Em Up
There is a line in the sand, right, and... you can't even see the line in the sand! You're actually out of sand, like, into tropical tundra regions.
Yeah, I think it's fair to call that hot sauce PROBLEMATIC. Too soon, "Tears of Hiroshima" people! I don't even want to see their line of Holocaust-inspired pork rubs. "The taste will wipe you out!"
—Drew Magary, "Sports Crimes Ranked"
, "Sports Crimes Ranked"I genuinely hate this, but it’s so f**king dumb that I almost love it.
I've developed quite a few guidelines for my work over the years, like "never use a yo-yo simile when you can use a miscarriage fetus dangling forlornly from its umbilical cord."
That is so horribly offensive, yet exquisitely worded I have trouble coming up with a witty retort.
The Simpsons excel at making horrible things very funny
PreOpTransCentaur: You can have sex with one real person from human history - who is your ultimate lay?
phil8248: I'd like to have sex one more time with my wife who passed away from cancer 9 years ago. My body yearns for hers. The ultimate downside to finding "the one" is she may die young and leave you wanting.
somethingobscur: I also choose this guy's dead wife.
phil8248: I'd like to have sex one more time with my wife who passed away from cancer 9 years ago. My body yearns for hers. The ultimate downside to finding "the one" is she may die young and leave you wanting.
somethingobscur: I also choose this guy's dead wife.
RadioTunnel: (referring to an infant girl dragged away and eaten by lions) So... can we use her college fund for the new nerf tank they released last week?
P-M-T:note My God how could anyone be so insensitive… … … … … … …yes.
P-M-T:note My God how could anyone be so insensitive… … … … … … …yes.
— Reddit comment section of a r/TwoSentenceHorror story
Johnny: Where do we cross a line?
Elliot: I don't think there is any line on that.
Matt: If there was a line, I snorted it.
Elliot: I don't think there is any line on that.
Matt: If there was a line, I snorted it.
