Quotes / Critical Research Failure


Mabel Pines: The ancient Aztec's Chest Skull was the modern equivalent to today's 'Orange you happy, mon?'
Dipper Pines: Yes, Aztec war paint was exactly like a Rasta orange.

Bears derive their name from a football team in Chicago.
Peter Gaulke, Strange Wilderness

Doctor: Voyager wasn't a "warship"! We were explorers!
Quarren: Yes, I know. Trying to get home, to Mars.
Doctor: EARTH! You see, you couldn't even get that right!
Star Trek: Voyager, "Living Witness"

I was there when he shot Burt Reynolds!
Larry Lovage, on Willie Nelson in Leisure Suit Larry

Web original

In nature, spiders have many natural enemies. There is one main predator they always have to watch out for. The mighty octopus. Their tentacles of sheer fury are fierce opponents. Only through agility, resolution, and quick banter can the amazing spider atone for the danger he faces.
Loli Loves Venom #32 (why you should not ask Venom for homework help).

It gets rather childish at some points in the movie that I can pick apart these supposed 'geniuses' with my high school science education. Take for instance when the astrophysicist hits the hull of the ship with a hammer and goes 'HA! Here is basic physics ladies and gentlemen! If this ship were so super strong then why does my hammer chip the paint. This proves something!' Um, no. Strength is not something that is always attributed to rigid inflexibility. It all depends on what you need the material to do. Many materials are incredibly pliable yet strong at the same time. Kevlar (for example) is strong to ballistic forces but not to others. You canít just lump in hard=good and hand me this crap as basic physics.
Miles Antwiler on Sphere (1998)

George Wood: Final Fantasy VII is no different from the series' last installments in terms of execution.
Diabetus: Uh, except for just about everything?
slowbeef: The Materia, the active time battles...?
Diabetus: It's on a PlayStation?
slowbeef: Uh, the fucking snowboarding minigame that you're showing?
Navgtr Responds to the Fans, Retsupurae

Noah: (authoritative) Watch enough wrestling and you learn to recognize the setups: This'll be a powerslam...
Announcer: OH! What a bodyslam.
Noah:WHAT! That's not a bodyslam!
Announcer: Takes the punch! Kurt does a flying bodyslam...
Noah: Oh for christsake... That's a cross body block! Can we agree that a bodyslam involves, at minimum, picking up the other guy?
Announcer: Watch this flying body slam!
Noah: Cross body block! Is anything not a bodyslam in this game? ... I don't even know what a "powerslam" is anymore. But judging from the card it's the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase throwing— a CROSS BODY BLOCK! YOU NAMED THE GAME AFTER IT!!
Noah Antwiler, "Black Hole of Board Games" (VOSTFR - Power Slam VCR Wrestling)

... H. G. Wells is separated from almost all actual representation of his history. The list of historical howlers about Wells is huge — his accent is wrong, his hair color is wrong, he goes by Herbert instead of George, heís inexplicably well off, he appears to believe in God... Indeed, about the only meaningful trait Herbert displays in terms of him being HG Wells is that heíll supposedly write several books based on these experiences. But, of course, the plots of his books donít really resemble Timelash either.

What might have been a trenchant idea, that copyright law is outdated and does nothing but leash creativity, is undermined by Matt Yglesias and his poo-filled head. His argument is based around the author who took over writing James Bond novels complaining that he has to please too many people, including Ian Fleming's estate, and it makes writing a James Bond book hard. Yglesias then points to Sherlock Holmes, a character no longer under copyright, and all the wonderful Sherlock Holmes stories not written by Arthur Conan Doyle. Because the ultimate creativity is writing fan fiction that never matches or surpasses the original work, and we need to get rid of copyright law so we can have more fan fiction. Thanks, bro. Really thought about that one.

First off, we get some hooey about the Roaring Twenties being great for poor people (in reality, income inequality drastically increased) and how the 1929 crash was not really caused by speculation. Yes, the stupidity starts this early.
Rational Wiki on "historian" Amity Shlaes

[...] episodes like "Not All Dogs go to Heaven", "Screams of Silence", and "Quagmire's Dad", they're pretty much the equivalent of a guy thinking that he knows everything on harsh real-world topics because he spent two minutes on Wikipedia... after a troll edited the page!

In a way the Texas Board of Education is the very symbol of American lunacy... Leo is perhaps particularly famous for getting the childrenís book Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? by Bill Martin expunged from the elementary school curriculum because a Google search revealed that Bill Martin had also written a book on Marxism — never mind that this was a completely different Bill Martin.
Encyclopedia of American Loons on Terri Leo a.k.a. Sultana of the Texas Taliban

The occasional mistake is one thing. Consistent and complete lack of research is another. And for the love of God, authors, is it that difficult to hand your manuscript to a native speaker of the foreign tongue you're attempting to mangle and ask them 'Look, would somebody actually say something like this in your language, or did I just inadvertently reveal my hero's latent homosexual tendencies by having him address the heroine by the masculine form of 'my darling' throughout the book?'

There are attempts to address some fandom controversies in this work, including Cassandra Clare, author of The Mortal Instruments series, who plagiarized from a romance author back in her fanfic writing days. Jamison undercuts the plagiarism by saying "Isn't all fanfic copyright infringement anyway?" note 
— Commenter Rose reviewing Anne Jamison's Fic: Why Fanfiction is Taking Over the World

Dear Daily Mail, there's a thing called a search engine, use it
If you'd Googled my tits in advance you'd have found that your photos are hardly exclusive.
Amanda Palmer, "Dear Daily Mail"

Yes, apparently Eskimos get in line to shove off their old farts while a ticket holder moves the line along while they say goodbye. Good fuckity God! ... First of all: When this was done, it was done in times of famine, not just because they were old. Second: This was incredibly rare and only done as a last resort. Third: This happened eons ago! Nobody does it anymore! I mean, did you do any research!? Do you know anything about how the world works!? READ A FUCKING BOOK!

Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor: I'm screaming "mercy mercy please"note 
Todd: Mercy Mercy Me is a song about the environment, you vapid eunuchs!
Todd in the Shadows, on Marvin Gaye by Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor (his pick for worst song of 2015)

Derek Jacobi: His will famously left his second-best bed to his widow, but it made no mention of a single book or manuscript!
Kyle: "And where is his birth certificate?!" So you know: his will didn't mention any plays because he didn't own any plays. The playhouses owned them. (beat) Man, that was easy!
Brows Held High's review of Anonymous, which explores the theory that William Shakespeare's plays were falsely attributed to him