Quotes: Conspiracy Theorist

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    Film - Live-action 

A good conspiracy is unprovable. I mean, if you can prove it, it means they screwed up somewhere along the line.
Jerry Fletcher, Conspiracy Theory

I'm not crazy. Whatever it is they're guarding so carefully, I need to be able to prove that it's real.
Joe Brody, Godzilla (2014)

Have you ever seen a Commie drink a glass of water?
Gen. Jack D. Ripper on fluoridation, Dr. Strangelove

C.P. Kennedy: Now, what exactly is our target juror?
Hon. Joseph Palmer: Intelligent people who will listen to instructions and follow the evidence—
Hank Palmer: Crackpots. Those I can persuade to swallow their own tongue. Anyone who's seen a Sasquatch. Moon-landing deniers. Those are our people.

Alvin Kurtweil: Are you familiar with what the Federal Emergency Management Agency's real power is? FEMA allows the White House to suspend constitutional government upon declaration of a national emergency. Think about that. What's an agency with such broad, sweeping power doing managing a small viral outbreak in suburban Texas? ...The timetable has been set. It'll happen on a holiday, when people are away from their homes. The president will declare a state of emergency, at which time all government, all federal agencies will come under the power of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, FEMA—the secret government.
Fox Mulder: And they call me paranoid.


The mentally disturbed do not employ the Principle of Scientific Parsimony: the most simple theory to explain a given set of facts. They shoot for the baroque.

    Live-action TV 

Miraculously, the first time in history: Steel was melted by fire. It is physically impossible.
Rosie O'Donnell on the September 11th terror attacks

There is no group of people this large in the world that can keep a secret. I find it comforting. It's how I know for sure that the government's not covering up aliens in New Mexico.
CJ Cregg, The West Wing

The Millennium Group’s an illusion. Ceremonies and secrets that only certain members can understand? Collecting the Cross of the Crucifixion? Ancient text for future prophecies? It’s all a diversion, sleight of hand. Distraction from the problems they’re trying to control. This is not about the end of the world, it’s about controlling the world.
Frank Black, Millennium ("The Fourth Horseman")

Fred: So, you don't worry that it's possible for someone to send out a biological or electronic trigger that effectively overrides your own sense of ideals and values, and replaces them with an alternative coercive agenda that reduces you to little more than a mindless meat puppet?
Shopkeeper: Wow. People used to think that I was paranoid! [beat] I mean, don't get me wrong. I still got the implants in my head, C.I.A. is still listening in. It just doesn't bother me anymore.
Angel, "The Magic Bullet"

"You've uncovered some interesting facts. But your interpretation is far-fetched. These are random incidents. Granted, some of them are hard to explain, but there's no conspiracy here."
Chakotay, Star Trek: Voyager, "The Voyager Conspiracy"

Howie: The US government has entire cities hidden in the Norwegian mountains. You see, Earth is on a collision course with this other planet, and this is where they're going to send all the rich people when it kicks off.
Rory: Amazing.
Howie: It's all there on the internet.
Rory: No, it's amazing you've come up with a theory even more insane than what's actually happening.
Doctor Who, "The God Complex"


Unsolved mysteries, government conspiracies!
Bright lights in the sky, alien technology!
Stay out of sight, go run and hide
Lock the window, they come tonight!
Neil Lee Griffin, "Apocrypha"


It is an interesting world we live in, where you can tell a group of people that you made a crop circle with a rope, even show them how you did it, and they still insist that an unknown paranormal intelligence did it. You can tell them that two plus two equals four and they'll insist that it's five.
Brian Dunning of Skeptoid


I'm like a chimpanzee, in a tree, jumping up and down, warning other chimpanzees when I see a big cat coming through the woods… I'm the weirdo? Because I'm sitting in a tree going OOH OOH OOH AAH AAH AAH

[I]n some cases, eating a burger or a steak has landed people in the hospital with severe allergic reactions. The culprit is the Lone Star tick...the radicals are gonna try to get hold of these ticks and mass produce them, mass grow ‘em and spread ‘em all over the country in order to get people to stop eating beef...If you’re a vegetarian and you don’t realize there’s a political agenda attached to what you’re doing, you’re being duped.

    Video games 


Everyone withdraws into their own small gated community, afraid of a larger forum. They stay inside their little ponds, leaking whatever "truth" suits them into the growing cesspool of society at large...Not even natural selection can take place here. The world is being engulfed in "truth."

Leo Gold: The entire executive branch is hand-picked. Nineteen of the last twenty-three U.S. presidents have been members of the Trilateral Commission. The Trilateral Commission is financed by the Rockefellers and the Rothschilds. Don’t tell me—
JC Denton: That’s a think-tank. Anyone can become a member.
Leo Gold: But not everyone does. That’s why they call it the 'secret government'.

Zeke: "Look, I'm being serious man, now DARPA is the mother-load of black-ops crap. If she's in with those clowns, you better watch out, son."
Cole: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, and Santa Claus shot J.F.K, now where are those drinks?"

''Lovely woman, the Queen. For an ancient lizard posing as a human, anyway. But I tell you, she knows the score. It's the government that didn't want anyone to know about Dee's prophecy, not Her Maj. I hope they get her away to India or something. Their climate's better for reptiles, anyway."
The Prepper, ZombiU


    Web original 

Chris: The fact that Magneto’s plan isn’t to kill people, but to turn them into mutants...Given the metaphor that we’re working with, it’s like Magneto has a laser that turns you gay.
Matt: Be careful. (Matt) Drudge is going to pick this up if we say too much more about Secret Project Gayzer.
—Chris Sims and Matt Wilson on the X-Men film series

Laura: Neal Adams has actually found a way to shoehorn his Expanding Earth conspiracy theory into a Batman comic. Sometimes, dreams do come true.
David: Given that Adams has been pretty vocal about his theories for quite some time, it’s quite a thing to see it play a direct role in something as notable as a Batman story. We also have to recognize that apparently the inner earth was like a ten minute walk from the Batcave.
Laura Hudson, "The Complete and Utter Insanity of Batman Odyssey"

Oprah is the Most Dangerous Woman in the World!
David J. Stewart, Jesus-is-Saviour

Actually, no real person has a social security number. Notice on your SS card that your name is spelled with all capital letters. This designates the STRAW MAN business, trust or corporation not a person ...If you accept a SS # you have just entered a contract and become surety for the government debt.
Kent Hovind, "How are evolution, Communism, the new-world order, and the IRS connected?"

What hard evidence is there that Obama doesn’t want Ebola in America?

Yes, that’s right. The claim that humans die is a conspiracy, or so say believers in transcommunication ...The Butlers are apparently currently the leading experts on the phenomenon after the, uh, death of the founder, the clinically delusional Sarah Estep.
Encyclopedia on American Loons on Tom and Lisa Butler

Mad Mel wasn’t drugged with Jew-hating pills, he’s just a natural born cunt!
Michael K., "The Hollywood Whackers Must Be Stopped"

    Web video 

If you closely analyze the explosions here, here, and here, you’ll notice that this is a controlled demolition. And if you take all segments and the first letter of each city that each segment was shot in, it spells out the word "CNHOS", which means nothing but it clearly reveals that the government has been infiltrated by The Illuminati, whose informant, as we all know, is none other than Chewbacca and the author of the third Harry Potter book, which alludes to an alien plot to destroy the world, but not just any alien, but this alien, this alien, and this alien. And who is the only human being who can save us from this Government Conspiracy? Nicolas Cage.

    western animation 

Torture Technician: You stole files from our computer. Just tell me what you've learned.
The Question: Topically applied fluoride doesn't prevent tooth decay. It does render teeth detectable by spy satellite!
Torture Technician: Tell me what you know!
The Question: The plastic tips at the ends of shoelaces are called aglets. Their true purpose is sinister.
Torture Technician: Tell me what you know!
The Question: There was a magic bullet. It was forged by Illuminati mystics to prevent us from learning the truth!
Justice League Unlimited, "Question Authority"

    real life 

A Jewish Antichrist in the end of this age, pre-supposes an international system of Jewish government. There can be little doubt that such a system, based upon the Jewish Money Power, has already been created — and is ready to step into the open and assume control of world affairs as soon as the time is ripe.
Gordon Winrod, Nazi sympathizer

How do you brainwash somebody? Well, first of all, you generally pull a psychological profile or develop one in a preliminary period. You find every vulnerability of that person from a psychoanalytic standpoint. Now the next thing you do is you build them up for fear in males and females of homosexuality, aim them for an anal identification with anal sex, their mouth is identified with fellatio. Their mouth is identified only with the penis—that kind of sex, and with woman. Womanhood is the fellatio of the male mouth in a man who has been brainwashed by the KGB; that is sucking penises...
Lyndon LaRouche, eight-time U.S. Presidential candidate

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
David Icke

Who wants to, will know: but who wants to ignore, will deny all the evidence that will be brought, albeit compelling evidence!

These fourth dimensional reptilian entities work through these hybrid bloodlines because they have a vibrational compatibility with each other. This is why the European royal and aristocratic families have interbred so obsessively, as do the so called Eastern Establishment families of the United States which produce the leaders of America. Every presidential election since and including George Washington in 1789 has been won by the candidate with the most European royal genes.
Arizona Wilder

I used to believe in circles.
Gene Ray

The whole point of the Copernican theory is to get rid of Jesus by saying there is no up and no down... the spinning ball thing just makes the whole Bible a big joke.
Charles K Johnson proves the earth is flat (really)

Gethin ap Gruffydd, author of "Windmills of Mass Destruction"

If you pay tuition, you're sponsoring the militant homosexual agenda. If you pay taxes, you're sponsoring the militant homosexual agenda. If your child majors in English, you're sponsoring the militant homosexual agenda.
Ben Shapiro, "militant gay english on the rise!" (full article is even more bizarre)

Well, you're the one gettin' money for somethin' ya didn't do. You're givin' a lecture for walkin' on the moon. That's called bein' a thief. D'ya think you can git to Heaven without repentin'? Why don't you swear on the Bible that ya walked on the moon?
Bart Sibrel, moments before being punched in the face by Buzz Aldrin

The reptilian host that my friend shared an apartment with brought into my experience a woman who was literally demon possessed. I referred to her as Demon Infested Deborah.
James Bartley

Lady Gaga is a pop prostitute, a satanic bitch with her fascist and demonic secret signs!

American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully-functioning human brains.
Christine O'Connell, Tea Party activist

It's really hard to get AIDS. If you're a straight person sleeping with other straight people, it's hard to get AIDS...Those people are trying to scare you away from having sex, that's why.

Let us be honest. Who benefits from A.R.V.s? ...Is it not a coincidence that Africa is the poorest continent in the world? Did you ever think that it's in the interest of some people for it to stay that way?
Herbert Vilakazi, AIDS denialist

The problem with forensic science in general is that it isn't science, it was basically invented by the police.
Radley Balko

He is alive call me crazy [you’re welcome] but, Osama Bin Laden is our President Obama do your research. The CIA has been preparing for this since he was a boy. They have same height, bone structure, hands and ears both are left handed the Osama face was created by Hollywood. The fox is in the hen house.
Zeedra Andrews

President Obama wants to give the entire land mass of the United States of America back to the Indians. He wants Indian tribes to be our new overlords.
Bryan Fischer

I wouldn’t doubt it if the CIA is behind Alcoholics Anonymous.

You guys think this is real? Your all sheep idiots. Pause the video at 0:02 seconds. You think that's a real boot? If that was a real boot then why would it be black? This is so clearly propaganda from the Bush era. All of this is bollocks, 9/11 was an inside job and the guy who is in this video went missing for 3 days after this was filmed and then turned up covered in jam in a church struggling to breathe dragging the carcass of a camel behind him screaming 'dirty denim doublers. Fuck the administration, this world is a lie.' then he collapsed and died under a bridge. Why would there even be a bridge in a church??? All bollocks. Open your eyes you sheep.
elroraps on this video of a guy being kicked from a train.