"A good conspiracy is unprovable. I mean, if you can prove it, it means they screwed up somewhere along the line."
—Jerry Fletcher, Conspiracy Theory
“The mentally disturbed do not employ the Principle of Scientific Parsimony: the most simple theory to explain a given set of facts. They shoot for the baroque.”
"There is no group of people this large in the world that can keep a secret. I find it comforting. It's how I know for sure that the government's not covering up aliens in New Mexico."
—CJ Cregg, The West Wing
"I'm not crazy. Whatever it is they're guarding so carefully, I need to be able to prove that it's real."
—Joe Brody, Godzilla (2014)
Alvin Kurtweil: Are you familiar with what the Federal Emergency Management Agency's real power is? FEMA allows the White House to suspend constitutional government upon declaration of a national emergency. Think about that. What's an agency with such broad, sweeping power doing managing a small viral outbreak in suburban Texas? ...The timetable has been set. It'll happen on a holiday, when people are away from their homes. The president will declare a state of emergency, at which time all government, all federal agencies will come under the power of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, FEMA—the secret government.
Fox Mulder: And they call me paranoid.
"The Last Battalion is an elite unit which helped the Fuhrer escape in secret! An insane army with cutting-edge technology and a powerful relic which absorbed Christ's blood, bent on enacting the Fuhrer's grudge! It's all in this book... Everything they're doing is in accordance with the Oracle of Maia in the In Lak'ech! The Oracle of Maia was left to us by the Pleiades aliens who gifted mankind with civilization... It's a message entrusted to us by the Maians! Did you really think we evolved from apes on our own!? The answers aren't in history books! How did man come so far, so fast!? There's evidence all over the world of their presence in ancient times! It proves that mankind was guided by an ancient race! ...Underneath the netherworld is where the Maians sleep... The starship Xibalba is here! All sorts of civilizations originated there... But the ancient Maians that thrived here died during an intergalactic civil war... The victors were the Bolontiku race that controls Xibalba... When the Bolontiku thoughtforms take physical bodies, they will bring destruction to us all! That's why we can't go public with this!"
—Maya Okamura, Persona 2: Innocent Sin note
Leo Gold: The entire executive branch is hand-picked. Nineteen of the last twenty-three U.S. presidents have been members of the Trilateral Commission. The Trilateral Commission is financed by the Rockefellers and the Rothschilds. Don’t tell me—
JC Denton: That’s a think-tank. Anyone can become a member.
Leo Gold: But not everyone does. That’s why they call it the 'secret government'.
Chakotay: You've uncovered some interesting facts. But your interpretation is far-fetched. These are random incidents. Granted, some of them are hard to explain, but there's no conspiracy here.
Seven: Stardate 51008! Captain Janeway allows Kes to leave Voyager. Neelix told me that Kes had suspicions about the Caretaker. Was the captain trying to silence her? Stardate 51462! The Doctor's program is transmitted to a Starfleet vessel on the outskirts of the Alpha Quadrant. An attempt by the Captain to contact Earth... or a secret communiqué informing Starfleet of her progress? Stardate 50984! Janeway forges an alliance with the Borg! Stardate 51762! A cease-fire with the Hirogen! Stardate 52861! A non-aggression pact with the Terkellians! She called each incident "diplomacy." I believe she was trying to establish a tactical infrastructure in the Delta Quadrant. Over the past five years, Captain Janeway has altered course 263 times in the name of exploration. In reality, she was mapping the region and collecting strategic data regarding—
Chakoty: I get the point.
—Star Trek: Voyager, "The Voyager Conspiracy"
"Deb, listen to me Deb. They're at it again and people have got to know. They've got to know because they don't know; they won't report this stuff on the news because they own the news! Conspiracy? This goes beyond conspiracy, okay? There is no word for something as devious and secret as this, you understand? People need to hear this; they need to know the real story! Alright, as we all know the Americans established a Moon base back in the late seventies, that's no secret. But what most people don't know is that they have been conducting a dig. Not for resources, but for artifacts. Well, it's no coincidence that the Chinese have started conducting space missions. You know why? I'll tell you why. The reason is because the Chinese are trying to stop the Americans from finding an ancient space probe send by the Beta-Centaurians. And why? Because the Beta-Centaurians are giving space technology to the Chinese to get back at the Andromedans - a.k.a. The Greys - for giving space technology to the Americans in The Fifties. The American government's been putting more money into space. Don't you see what's happening? I can't believe I'm the only one that's figured it out! Am I the only person alive that can see what's going on? It's because the Andromedans and the Betas are going to be fighting their war in this galaxy through us, Deb. And the American people, the people of Earth, you people, cannot let this happen! It's Mu versus Atlantis all over again!"
"Deb. I'm about to reveal something that... I'm putting my life on the line. But the people, the people of this city and this country and this planet, they have the right to know this, do you understand? This is serious. There are a lot of organizations who would do anything in their power to keep this a secret. Deb, Deb, this is really serious now, can I finish? All right. Everyone knows they've got cameras at every stoplight so the government can keep tabs on our comings and goings. But did you know that they then sold access to their data bases to The Illuminati, who has been using that information to compile a list of the most frequently traveled routes and then opening new locations of their well-known chain of coffee houses in the most profitable locations? And did you also know that they use those funds to suppress fusion and solar power? Well they, the Illuminati, control all the world's energy, and, because they monitor all of our energy usage, they can tell who is not watching television and therefore know who is not receiving the subliminal messages that they send to keep the sheep putting their money in banks away from their secret headquarters, a.k.a. Wyoming. As a matter of fact, and again I shouldn't be talking about this, but I believe that it's everybody's right to know that recycling is a myth. All that they do with those bottles and cans is collect DNA samples from your saliva, so that they can clone you. And train your clone to assassinate you and assume your identity, should you go poking your nose into the whole global warming business."
"Deb, this is it! This time I stumbled across something that is bigger than anything you could possibly imagine. A threat to the entire human race's existence. Deb, nothing can prepare the world for this. This is the biggest story in the history of humanity ever! Ever, Deb. How I found this out I can't say, but I'm risking my life to tell the world this. Are you prepared for this? People of Los Angeles, vampires walk among us. Hear me out, Deb. Vampires are among us and have been since the dawn of time. And Los Angeles... Well, there's more vampires per person here than anywhere else in the world. People are killed by vampires all the time, but their secret vampire society covers it up. Who blew up that warehouse in Santa Monica? Vampires! What happened to the crew of the Elizabeth Dane? Vampires! Want to know what happened to that sarcophagus that disappeared? Vampires took it. The prince of vampires to be more specific. He wants to use it against a league of other vampires that have been trying to get a foothold in our city. And get this! There could be an even older vampire in the sarcophagus. An ancient super-vampire! It's the truth, Deb. The Undead are all around us. We need to rise up and destroy our evil vampire overlords before it's too late!"
— Gomez, Deb of Night, Vampire: The Masquerade – Bloodlines. The last "theory" is pretty much a summary of the plot of the game.
"Conspiracy theories represent a known glitch in human reasoning. The theories are of course occasionally true, but their truth is completely uncorrelated with the believer's certainty. For some reason, sometimes when people think they've uncovered a lie, they raise confirmation bias to an art form. They cut context away from facts and arguments and assemble them into reassuring litanies. And over and over I've argued helplessly with smart people consumed by theories they were sure were irrefutable, theories that in the end proved complete fictions."
Torture Technician: "You stole files from our computer. Just tell me what you've learned."
The Question: "Topically applied fluoride doesn't prevent tooth decay. It does render teeth detectable by Spy Satellite!"
Torture Technician: "Tell me what you know!"
The Question: "The plastic tips at the ends of shoelaces are called aglets. Their true purpose is sinister."
Torture Technician: "Tell me what you know!"
The Question: "There was a magic bullet. It was forged by Illuminati mystics to prevent us from learning the truth!"
— Justice League Unlimited, "Question Authority"
Zeke: "Look, I'm being serious man, now DARPA is the mother-load of black-ops crap. If she's in with those clowns, you better watch out, son."
Cole: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, and Santa Claus shot J.F.K, now where are those drinks?"
Quotes by conspiracy theorists
"A Jewish Antichrist in the end of this age, pre-supposes an international system of Jewish government. There can be little doubt that such a system, based upon the Jewish Money Power, has already been created — and is ready to step into the open and assume control of world affairs as soon as the time is ripe."
—Gordon Winrod, Nazi sympathizer
"How do you brainwash somebody? Well, first of all, you generally pull a psychological profile or develop one in a preliminary period. You find every vulnerability of that person from a psychoanalytic standpoint. Now the next thing you do is you build them up for fear in males and females of homosexuality, aim them for an anal identification with anal sex, their mouth is identified with fellatio. Their mouth is identified only with the penis—that kind of sex, and with woman. Womanhood is the fellatio of the male mouth in a man who has been brainwashed by the KGB; that is sucking penises..."
—Lyndon LaRouche, eight-time U.S. Presidential candidate
"I'm like a chimpanzee, in a tree, jumping up and down, warning other chimpanzees when I see a big cat coming through the woods… I'm the weirdo? Because I'm sitting in a tree going OOH OOH OOH AAH AAH AAH"
“Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground."
— David Icke
"Who wants to, will know: but who wants to ignore, will deny all the evidence that will be brought, albeit compelling evidence!"
—Serge Monast, anti-New World Order crusader
"Lady Gaga is a pop prostitute, a satanic bitch with her fascist and demonic secret signs!"
"American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully-functioning human brains."
—Christine O'Connell, Tea Party activist
"Miraculously, the first time in history: Steel was melted by fire. It is physically impossible."
—Rosie O'Donnell on the September 11th terror attack
"[I]n some cases, eating a burger or a steak has landed people in the hospital with severe allergic reactions. The culprit is the Lone Star tick...the radicals are gonna try to get hold of these ticks and mass produce them, mass grow ‘em and spread ‘em all over the country in order to get people to stop eating beef...If you’re a vegetarian and you don’t realize there’s a political agenda attached to what you’re doing, you’re being duped.”
"I don’t wanna brag, but I sorta called it before he was elected and I was on O’Reilly and I said he was a communist. I got a lot of hate mail, but I got some that said I was 'prescient,' which means 'a prophet.'"
—Victoria Jackson on Barack Obama
"President Obama wants to give the entire land mass of the United States of America back to the Indians. He wants Indian tribes to be our new overlords."
"You guys think this is real? Your all sheep idiots. Pause the video at 0:02 seconds. You think that's a real boot? If that was a real boot then why would it be black? This is so clearly propaganda from the Bush era. All of this is bollocks, 9/11 was an inside job and the guy who is in this video went missing for 3 days after this was filmed and then turned up covered in jam in a church struggling to breathe dragging the carcass of a camel behind him screaming 'dirty denim doublers. Fuck the administration, this world is a lie.' then he collapsed and died under a bridge. Why would there even be a bridge in a church??? All bollocks. Open your eyes you sheep."
—elroraps on this video of a guy being kicked from a train.
Quotes about conspiracy theorists
“It is a natural propensity to attribute misfortune to someone's malignity.”
—Bertrand Russell, Sceptical Essays
"The main thing that I learned about conspiracy theory, is that conspiracy theorists believe in a conspiracy because that is more comforting. The truth of the world is that it is actually chaotic. The truth is that it is not The Iluminati, or The Jewish Banking Conspiracy, or the Gray Alien Theory. The truth is far more frightening. Nobody is in control. The world is rudderless...”
"It is ironic that a nation which had never experienced a coup d'état should be so obsessed with the idea of conspiracy."
—Gore Vidal, "Paranoid Politics"
"There's complete disaffection about everything... you get a very good reception these days for the kinds of things I talk about. But it's scary—because if you came and told people, "Clinton's organizing a U.N. army with aliens to come and carry out genocide, you'd better run for the hills," you'd get the same favorable response."
There are, of course, good conspiracy analysts and bad conspiracy analysts, just as there are good and bad historians or practitioners of any discipline. The bad conspiracy analyst tends to make two kinds of mistakes, which indeed leave him open to the Establishment charge of "paranoia." First, he stops with the cui bono; if measure A benefits X and Y, he simply concludes that therefore X and Y were responsible. He fails to realize that this is just a hypothesis, and must be verified by finding out whether or not X and Y really did so. (Perhaps the wackiest example of this was the British journalist Douglas Reed who, seeing that the result of Hitler's policies was the destruction of Germany, concluded, without further evidence, that therefore Hitler was a conscious agent of external forces who deliberately set out to ruin Germany.) Secondly, the bad conspiracy analyst seems to have a compulsion to wrap up all the conspiracies, all the bad guy power blocs, into one giant conspiracy. Instead of seeing that there are several power blocs trying to gain control of government, sometimes in conflict and sometimes in alliance, he has to assume - again without evidence - that a small group of men controls them all, and only seems to send them into conflict.
—Murray N. Rothbard "The Conspiracy Theory of History Revisited"
"A steady flow of novels and movies based loosely on the assassination, not to mention the endless preoccupation with the Kennedys in publications like the National Enquirer, has helped to maintain popular interest in this event and to reinforce conspiracy theories...Side by side with the official mythology of a beleaguered government threatened by riots, demonstrations, and unmotivated, irrational assassinations of public figures, a popular mythology has taken shape in the last thirty years that sees government as a conspiracy against the people themselves."
—Christopher Lasch, The Life of Kennedy’s Death
"In 1966, 36% of the respondents in a Gallup poll believed that Oswald acted alone. The percent was 11% in both the 1976 and 1983 Gallup polls and 13% in a 1988 CBS poll. This increase in belief in the conspiracy has taken place despite the fact that the accumulation of evidence has increasingly supported the lone assassin theory."
—Ted Goertzel, Belief in Conspiracy Theories
"It is an exciting time to be in the Illuminati! ...planned events for the summer include a book signing with Bill O'Reilly , iconography workshops at the United States Mint, Bible study with Rev. Joel Osteen on the Eighteen Undiscovered Gospels, and a Q. & A. with Tupac. Plus, guided hand-gesture tutorials, cancer vaccine clinics, and—back by popular demand—a tour of BuzzFeed. Then, later in the fall, you can look forward to apple picking with Henry Kissinger, PETA’s annual vegan-chili cookoff, and an intimate evening with President Obama and Anointed Successor [Chris] Christie."
—The New Yorker, "The Illuminati Summer Newsletter"
"The powers that be are in fact watching you at all hours and tracking your every move, but only because they're hoping you'll slip on the ice and drop your groceries again."
"A more likely theory is that, given the number of flowers thrown at her hearse during the funeral, Diana was murdered by florists who wanted to boost sales."
—Rational Wiki on Diana of Wales
"These people love the truth, they just hate facts."
— Bill Maher, on Obama "Birthers".
"Plot idea: 97% of the world's scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies."
"It is an interesting world we live in, where you can tell a group of people that you made a crop circle with a rope, even show them how you did it, and they still insist that an unknown paranormal intelligence did it. You can tell them that two plus two equals four and they'll insist that it's five."
— Brian Dunning of Skeptoid
"All of this is pure bunk and is no more important than the fact that my first, middle, and last name all have 6 letters."
—George Lauren, IBM programmer and avatar of The Dark One
“I don’t think Bush could plan a bowl of cereal."
—Dylan Avery, former 9-11 Truther
"So, to wrap things up, there’s only one conclusion one can draw from all this top quality research. TV’s Jimmy Savile is an immortal energy vampire who’s been active since the beginning of time under a multitude of names, from Vlad the Impaler to the Knights Templar. Sometime in the sixties, he was summoned to our time in a ceremony by Mick Jagger and the Beatles, using the arcane, Satanic wisdom of Aleister Crowley, from where he procured children for the elite, via the Leeds Hell Mouth, which acted as an energy portal for the Jewish, Masonic vampires that enslave our world. It’s pretty obvious when you look at the facts."
— Stuart Millard, "Jimmy Saville and David Icke - All the Pieces Matter"
"If you were to believe everything you read on the Internet, you'd think that every celebrity is an ambulatory heap of fake body parts mind-controlled by President Obama, who is a shapeshifting reptoid from a faraway star system (plus, having an affair with Beyoncé). It is a lot to sort through. But, you know, it's important to have an active imaginary life and/or a game plan if the reptilian overlords do decide to stop hiding cryptic symbols in Willow Smith videos and get to openly subduing the world population in the name of Satan."
"Any misplaced pixel on a photo is proof of Photoshop, any misspoken word in a news report is evidence of a cover-up... one guy posts that the Sandy Hook massacre was done by the same squad that 'began their evil twisted careers with the faked death and witness protection escape for Elvis,' and no one disagrees with him."
"There is of course a dark side to all the conspiracy elements of their films, which is that at least one of them believes in them for real. [Roberto] Orci is a 9/11 truther who previously tweeted about the collapse of WTC 7 (just, you know, asking questions), and on the day of the Boston Marathon bombings, he told his followers to look out for 'evidence of Government drills' in Boston (coded language for suggesting the attack was a 'false flag' operation by our own government)."
"Do I really need to go into the politics? It is some of the most inane, delusional, contradictory nonsense ever spewed out on screen. It’s bad when I’m a liberal and you are making me want to vote for Nixon. Basically the evil “government” is responsible for all evils in the world short of throwing babies in a woodchipper (and that’s only because we don’t know about it yet due to the government keeping it hush hush)."
Chris: The fact that Magneto’s plan isn’t to kill people, but to turn them into mutants...Given the metaphor that we’re working with, it’s like Magneto has a laser that turns you gay.
Matt: Be careful. Drudge is going to pick this up if we say too much more about Secret Project Gayzer.
—Chris Sims and Matt Wilson on the X-Men film series
Laura: Neal Adams has actually found a way to shoehorn his Expanding Earth conspiracy theory into a Batman comic. Sometimes, dreams do come true.
David: Given that Adams has been pretty vocal about his theories for quite some time, it’s quite a thing to see it play a direct role in something as notable as a Batman story. We also have to recognize that apparently the inner earth was like a ten minute walk from the Batcave.
"If you closely analyze the explosions here, here, and here, you’ll notice that this is a controlled demolition. And if you take all segments and the first letter of each city that each segment was shot in, it spells out the word "CNHOS", which means nothing but it clearly reveals that the government has been infiltrated by The Illuminati, whose informant, as we all know, is none other than Chewbacca and the author of the third Harry Potter book, which alludes to an alien plot to destroy the world, but not just any alien, but this alien, this alien, and this alien. And who is the only human being who can save us from this Government Conspiracy? Nicolas Cage."