Quotes / Cleveland

"All the little kids growing up on the skids
Go 'Cleveland rocks!', 'Cleveland rocks!'"

"Under construction since 1868
See our river that catches on fire
It's so polluted that all our fish have AIDS"

"Hey Browns. Mike Polk, season ticket holder. Killer game in Houston today. Well thank God we built you, what a blessing for the community! You are wasting valuable space on our majestic shoreline, and what do we get out of it from you? Ten miserable games a year, including two preseason games that I have to pay for and one shitty Kenny Chesney concert. Do you understand that it is actually statistically harder for a team to be this consistently bad than it is for them to be accidentally occasionally good; the probability is STAGGERING! Did you happen to see that Packers-Chargers game today? It's like they're playing a different sport than you are! And here's what you have to understand- we don't even expect you to be good, we just want you to be watchable. Do you have any idea how low our expectations are? We don't expect you to win the Superbowl, we just want you to look better than a Division 3 high school team! And listen, I know that there are way more important things in life than football, but you are supposed to be our pleasant distraction from those things; but all we do is pay you money to put us in a bad mood every week.
I'll see you Sunday."

"The Avengers filmed a lot of the climactic battle scenes in Cleveland because it required less special effects to portray a ruined city."

"People of Cleveland, prepare to have your shit be thoroughly disrupted. You wonít be needing those flammable rivers or abandoned factories anymore, because the team has hired former baseball (yes, baseball) executive Paul De Podesta to help run things. And really, if youíre the Browns, why NOT hire this man? Itís not like football people have been much help. Hire a fucking Uber driver while youíre at it."

In the morning I woke early and experienced that sinking sensation that overcomes you when you first open your eyes and realize that instead of a normal day ahead of you, with its scatterings of simple gratifications, you are going to have a day without even the tiniest of pleasures; you are going to drive across Ohio.
Bill Bryson, The Lost Continent.

Look here. To the west of us lie ruins of a considerable settlement marked Cleve-land. I give you my advice as a salvager who has been in such places—keep away. Move to the south, around it.
—Greenberg, to Kinkaid, A Secret History of Time to Come by Robie Macauley.

Remember the time you lit your cigarette backwards? Smoked it right down. Said it reminded you of Cleveland.
Happy Hour Is The Saddest Hour Of The Day, by Ray Stevens