Quotes / Calvinball

"The only permanent rule in Calvinball is that you can't play it the same way twice!"
Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

Poland: "I'll invoke Poland's rule! It'll always be my turn!"
Poland during a game of chess, Axis Powers Hetalia

"That's Numberwang!"
The host of Numberwang, frequently, at completely random intervals, That Mitchell and Webb Look

"Malachi shrugged. He didn't follow human sports. They were too dull and the rules never changed."
Narration, Malachi summarizing The Fair Folk's sports in Chasing the Dragon

Spongebob: "Hike Patrick, hike!"
[Drops rock, which breaks in two, as Patrick blows chess pieces forward on a board]
Spongebob: "You just lost 3 points!"
[Climbs up coral]
Spongebob: "1, 2, 5!"
[Stands on his head and blows a bubble in the shape of 'G7']
Spongebob: "G7!"
Patrick: "G7?! King me, king me! "
[smashes into coral]
Patrick: "I lose!"
Spongebob: "But it's not Tuesday, Patrick!"
Patrick: "Tartar sauce!"
Squidward: What are you two invertebrates doing?!
Patrick and Spongebob: "We don't know."

"Could someone please tell me what we are supposed to be doing? What's the point? This entire game is completely random! It jumps from one thing to another! I don't know how you are supposed to win! And Patrick seems to be making up the rules as he goes along!"
Squidward on Patrick's game, SpongeBob SquarePants

Humph: Fingers on buzzers, teams. How many legs have donkeys?
Tim [buzzing]: Four!
Humph: Tim says four. Barry and Graeme?
Barry and Graeme: Higher, higher, no, I think it's lower. Lower.
Humph: You say lower? Well, the right answer is no legs have donkeys. So, you were right to go lower. And Tim gets ten points. Tim, question or nominate?
Tim: Nominate Graeme!
Humph: No, the correct answer is "nominate Barry". You lose ten points. Barry, what's the first letter of the word "aardvark": A, B, C or D?
Barry: Can I go 50-50, Humph?
Humph: Very well. Computer, take away one wrong answer and one right answer. Barry, you have two wrong answers left. Which do you go for?

"That's two points for recycling! The girls' score is now the square-root of pi while the boys still have a crudely-drawn picture of a duck. Clearly, it's still anyone's game!"
Phineas, Phineas and Ferb

Twilight: What's Blernsball?
Arino: It's baseball, but they jazzed up a lot.
Twilight: Ah baseball. I love complicated games!
Maxwell: Oooh! I love it when they bend the rules! At least it's more fun than the Giant Ape Fights, that just sounds boring.

Jim: All right. So each player gets six cards, except the one on the player's right, who gets seven. The second card is turned up, except on Tuesdays.
Sulu: Is today Tuesday?
Scotty: It's got to be Tuesday somewhere, Mr. Sulu.
Jim: Stipulated. Now, two jacks is a half-fizzbin, but you don't want three. Three is a shralk. You get those, you get disqualified.
Ael: You do?
Jim: Absolutely. Now look there: Sulu's got two jacks. That's good. Now he wants a king and a deuce.
McCoy: Except at night. In which case he wants a king and an ace.
tr'Keirianh: How is "night" determined? If playing aboard ship, does ship's time prevail? Or is it always determined to be night in space?
Jim: Only in leap year.
Sulu: When the moon is full.
K's't'lk: Now wait a minute. Whose moon?
Ael: And why should a year leap?
(reportedly goes on for two more hours)
— a game of fizzbin, Star Trek: Rihannsu — The Empty Chair

" No, Ozy, "House Rules Parcheesi" is absolutely nothing like "Calvinball." Now, you have seven blorms, and you have to move your roll of duct tape around the giant ceramic hippo."
Isolde, Ozy and Millie