Quotes / Butt-Monkey

"Charlie Brown must be the one who suffers, because he’s a caricature of the average person. Most of us are much more acquainted with losing than winning. Winning is great, but it isn’t funny."
Charles Schulz

"Why is everybody always pickin' on me?"
— From the chorus to "Charlie Brown", by The Coasters (and no, the song is not about that Charlie Brown)

"No one ever listens to what I'm saying!"
—Sammy (Allen Covert) from Adam Sandler's Respect

That's life, I can't deny it,
Many times I thought of cuttin' out, but my heart won't buy it
But if there's nothing shaken come here this July,
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die
—"That's Life", Marion Montgomery

"Nuthin' goes right, I just can't fight it
Eastern Airlines
thanked me for flying United!
I got some money, what did I do?
I bought some quicksand, the deal fell through
My car broke down, I called Triple-A
They left the car and towed
me away!
I can't take it no more, I'm getting too old
I called suicide prevention, they put me on hold
Winter, Summer, Spring, and Fall
I'm always up against the wall
(Whasamatta Rodney?)
Ahh, I don't get no respect at all"
Rodney Dangerfield, "Rappin' Rodney"

"'The only reason I was born was that rats had chewed on Mother's douche bag, or so she told me.' This is an essential starting point to the Nina story."
Gore Vidal, Palimpsest

"The Giants are an aunt's house you dread visiting. Every time the Giants come onto my television, the screen magically reverts to standard definition...Every time I think of them, all I think about is Billy Crystal telling Bruno Kirby that he's getting a divorce. That seems like a Giants fan thing to do. Let's go to the game and we can talk about how Helen never loved me. Oh, and Eli will throw a pick."
Drew McGary, "Why Your Team Sucks 2014: New York Giants

"I lead a cursed life!"
Yosuke, Persona 4, finally realizing that he is this trope.

"Story of my life. No matter what I try, God's always got a custard pie up his sleeve."
Georgy Girl (1966)

"A History of American Farming by Peter Fox: who had a very rough time getting out of bed this morning and didn't eat breakfast and who pinched his left thumb in his gym locker and lost his favorite pencil in the library and whose day got even worse when..."
Peter Fox writing his essay for a 'sympathy grade' (which takes up several pages).

Actually, the crawling awkwardness starts with the introductory fiction. It's about an overweight computer nerd with glasses, bad skin, and bad hair - and everybody picks on him! There's even a pair of pictures with him looking all sad. Aww.
Gandhi would have kicked this kid's ass.
Darren MacLennon, review of the Wraeththu RPG.

"If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer."

"It's the story of my life. I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop."
Sugar Kane, Some Like It Hot

Claret: And what valliant deeds did your employers do?
Nodwick: They valiantly fed me to a hydra, sundered an ancient seal with my head, and spoiled an evil wizard's spell by substituting my nose for one of the spell components. Huzzah.

Fran: Where's Manny?
Bernard: He's not here.
Fran: Well how can I find him?
Bernard: You could become a terrible event and happen to him.

"Sometimes, I'm afraid to be happy, because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens."

"Why is it always me?"
Neville Longbottom, Harry Potter

"Hey c'mon, make fun of the bald guy! I'll be your lightning rod of hate!"
Colin Mochrie, Whose Line Is It Anyway??

"Nobody likes Milhouse!"
Dewey Largo (the music teacher), The Simpsons

"Sometimes, I think I was born to be picked on..."
Moses Sandor, Tales of Legendia

"I was the happiest guy in the world, but fate likes to play a little game called 'Up Yours, Moe.'"
Moe, The Simpsons

"But in his experience it was only a matter of time before the normal balance of the universe restored itself and started doing the usual terrible things to him."
The Colour of Magic (describing Rincewind, of course)

If you're going to probe anyone, probe Chris!
Dan after he and Chris get taken by a UFO, Dan Vs..

Wow. Even my dreams hate me.
Jerry, Code Monkeys

It is virtually worthless in terms of both power and speed. It is the most weak and pathetic Pokémon in the world.
Pokemon Fire Red's Pokedex entry for Magikarp

I think somebody rubbed all the sixes off the dice he throws.

I have every faith in your reconciliatory navigational skills, Mr. Gibbs, now where is that monkey, I want to shoot something!
Jack Sparrrow to Joshamee Gibbs, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Wh-Why is everyone ganging up on me? It's so unfair... It's just that... I fell in love with Ragna the Bloodedge...
Noel Vermillion when all the other female characters gang up on her over Ragna in Rachel's gag ending, BlazBlue: Continuum Shift

Why can't I do anything when it really counts!?
Zorne Sepperin, RosenkreuzStilette

He hath been most notoriously abused.
Olivia on Malvolio, hanging a lampshade at the end of Twelfth Night

Are we laughing at Yamcha? Because I'm always up for that.

Teddie: Wowee, Sensei! That was amazing! Don't you think so, whatsyourface?
Yosuke: Dude, why can't I be 'Sensei'?
Teddie: Because you're comic relief.
Hiimdaisy's Overly Long Persona 4 Comic

"You know, at this point, I should really just accept that nobody anywhere respects me, shouldn't I?"

Hank Pym: Hey, come on!
Mighty Avengers, Issue #23

"In Cleveland, it's not a matter of what will go wrong, but when it will."

Allon: Okay, you don't like me! We get it!

Nobody screws Yamcha but life.

Your life will be filled with disappointment.
Robbie Shapiro while reading a fortune cookie, Victorious

Why is it that lately, all I want to do is cry?

I'm always the fall guy!
Knuckles the Echidna, Sonic X

"'Champion Gear-Carrier For All Your Gear-Carrying Needs' is a pretty wordy synonym for 'Chimp Derriere, Lord of the Butt Monkeys', but I suppose it looks better on a desk plaque."

The day had only just begun, yet it was apparent that all the world was aligning to scheme against and completely fuck over Jaune Arc.
— The fic Dreamscape, describing Jaune's reaction to being found in a bed with his best friend by his other friends

"Thundering typhoons! Everything happens to me!"
Captain Haddock, The Adventures of Tintin

"We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life."
C-3PO, A New Hope

"You exist solely for gags."
Tomoyo Sakagami to Youhei Sunohara, CLANNAD

Every single day I gotta clean up the kitchen!
Bowser's screaming at me saying scrub all of the dishes!
And Junior's a gremlin, he's a monster I live with!
That's the reason why I quit, 'cuz I just reached the limit!
The struggle is real, I need a new job! I worked as a plumber and I once was a cop.
I shot a black guy and I planted a gun by his leg.
I quit the plumber job 'cuz I got poop on my head!
Worked at a call center but it got on my nerves!
They were so rude, that's not what I deserve.
And a security guard at a pizza place, the monsters came alive when you stayed too late!
Had to quit Bowser, He treats me like a slave, always make me watch his brat, but I barely get paid!
But I hate these other jobs, I don't know what to do!
(Toad you don't have a clue!)
Man I hate my life, Man I hate my life, Man I hate my life,
I kinda wish that I was white!
Man I hate my life, Man I hate my life, Man I hate my life,
I kinda wish that I was white!
Man I hate my life, Man I hate my life, Man I hate my life,
I wish that everything was right!
Man I hate my life, Man I hate my life, Man I hate my life,
I wish that everything was right!
Chef Pee Pee, SuperMarioLogan's "Chef Pee Pee Quits (Part 6)"

Who gets stuck with all the bad luck? No-one but Donald Duck!
— The end of the post-1947 Donald Duck theme.

If I had a dime for every time I got my ass kicked, I might not be in crippling debt!

I've been blindsided by my son, reamed by the IRS, rejected by my lover, betrayed by my friend, molested by a truck driver, cast out by my mother, and rained on by God. And this isn't even the worst day of my life.
Alan Harper, Two and a Half Men

Jeff: Shirley, don't sue a stripper.
Shirley: Why not?
Jeff: Because she's a stripper. Life sued her and she lost.

"Surely I am the fool of fools on the par of no other! I am no better than that stupid coyote or that crazy duck! Look at me! Look at me! I am locked in a continuum of cartoon fools! I am doomed to a life of comic mishap adventures and social indignations! And now, here I stand before you, beaten, defeated, and alone."

Blackadder picks up the cat and kicks it into the air
Baldrick: Oh, sir! Poor little Mildred the cat, what's he ever done to you?
Blackadder: It is the way of the world, Baldrick. The abused always kick downwards. I am annoyed, and so I kick the cat, the cat [loud squeak] pounces on the mouse, and finally, the mouse—
Baldrick: Argh!
Blackadder: —bites you on the behind.
Baldrick: And what do I do?
Blackadder: Nothing. You are last in God's great chain. Unless there's an earwig around here you'd like to victimize.
Blackadder the Third

"Go ahead... laugh. I'm used to it."
Batbilig Chinzorig note , Quelf