Nothin' goes right, I just can't fight it
Eastern Airlines thanked me for flying United
I got some money, what did I do?
I bought some quicksand, the deal fell through
My car broke down, I called Triple-A
They left the car and towed me away
I can't take it no more, I'm getting too old
I called suicide prevention, they put me on hold
Winter, Summer, Spring, and Fall
I'm always up against the wall
Ahhh, I don't get no respect at all
—Rodney Dangerfield, "Rappin' Rodney"
"The only reason I was born was that rats had chewed on Mother's douche bag, or so she told me." This is an essential starting point to the Nina story.
—Gore Vidal, Palimpsest
"We seem to be made to suffer; it's our lot in life."
—C-3PO, Star Wars
"Why is everybody always pickin' on me?"
—from the chorus to "Charlie Brown", by The Coasters (and no, the song is not about that Charlie Brown)
"A History of American Farming by Peter Fox: who had a very rough time getting out of bed this morning and didn't eat breakfast and who pinched his left thumb in his gym locker and lost his favorite pencil in the library and whose day got even worse when..."
—Peter Fox writing his essay for a 'sympathy grade' (which takes up several pages).
Actually, the crawling awkwardness starts with the introductory fiction. It's about an overweight computer nerd with glasses, bad skin, and bad hair - and everybody picks on him! There's even a pair of pictures with him looking all sad. Aww.
Gandhi would have kicked this kid's ass.
"If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer."
Claret: And what valliant deeds did your employers do?
Nodwick: They valiantly fed me to a hydra, sundered an ancient seal with my head, and spoiled an evil wizard's spell by substituting my nose for one of the spell components. Huzzah.
Fran: Where's Manny?
Bernard: He's not here.
Fran: Well how can I find him?
Bernard: You could become a terrible event and happen to him.
"Sometimes, I'm afraid to be happy, because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens."
"Why is it always me?"
—Neville Longbottom, Harry Potter
"Hey c'mon, make fun of the bald guy! I'll be your lightning rod of hate!"
—Colin Mochrie, Whose Line Is It Anyway??
"Nobody likes Milhouse!"
—Dewey Largo (the music teacher), The Simpsons
"Sometimes, I think I was born to be picked on..."
—Moses Sandor, Tales of Legendia
"I was the happiest guy in the world, but fate likes to play a little game called "Up yours, Moe.""
—Moe, The Simpsons
"But in his experience it was only a matter of time before the normal balance of the universe restored itself and started doing the usual terrible things to him."
—The Colour of Magic (describing Rincewind, of course)
If you're going to probe anyone, probe Chris!
—Dan after he and Chris get taken by a UFO, Dan Vs..
Wow. Even my dreams hate me.
—Jerry, Code Monkeys
It is virtually worthless in terms of both power and speed. It is the most weak and pathetic Pokémon in the world.
—Pokemon Fire Red's Pokedex entry for Magikarp
I think somebody rubbed all the sixes off the dice he throws.
I have every faith in your reconciliatory navigational skills, Mr. Gibbs, now where is that monkey, I want to shoot something!
—Jack Sparrrow to Joshamee Gibbs, Pirates of the Caribbean
Wh-Why is everyone ganging up on me? It's so unfair... It's just that... I fell in love with Ragna the Bloodedge...
—Noel Vermillion when all the other female characters gang up on her over Ragna in Rachel's gag ending, BlazBlue: Continuum Shift
Why can't I do anything when it really counts!?
—Zorne Sepperin, RosenkreuzStilette
He hath been most notoriously abused.
Are we laughing at Yamcha? Because I'm always up for that.
—King Kai, Dragon Ball Abridged.
Why must every 11 minutes of my life be filled with misery? Why?
—Squidward, SpongeBob SquarePants
Teddie: Wowee, Sensei! That was amazing! Don't you think so, whatsyourface?
Yosuke: Dude, why can't I be 'Sensei'?
"You know, at this point, i should really just accept that nobody anywhere respects me, shouldn't i?"
Hank Pym: You can take over from here? You? Tony Stark? Mister Fought-against-Cap-in-the-civil-war, shot-Hulk-into-space-and-caused-World-War-Hulk, gave-the-Skrulls-everything-they-needed-to-invade-Earth. You're taking over? Come on, give me one good reason why—
Hank Pym: Hey, come on!
—Mighty Avengers, Issue #23
"In Cleveland, it's not a matter of what will go wrong, but when it will."
Allon: Okay, you don't like me! We get it!
Nobody screws Yamcha but life.
—Bulma, Dragon Ball Abridged
Your life will be filled with disappointment.
—Robbie Shapiro while reading a fortune cookie, Victorious