: I've got it! We'll call it the Esther Rantzen. Richie
: Why the Esther Rantzen? Eddie
: Because it pulls your gums back over your teeth
. (Takes a sip, grimaces, imitates Esther Rantzen's voice:)
And on tonight's programme, an interesting misprint that says "penis"!
Always keep your mouth open when you're insulting a lady.
, on chivalry.
Richie: Well, she had an earring.
Eddie: Yeah, through "her" foreskin!
Yes. Which I found out later, much to my distress.
(Preparing to haul a passed-out Eddie up the stairs by means of a rope tied to his leg) Well thank you, Lord, for making me such a nice person. Not many of use, ehh? Just me, Jesus, and Mahatma Ghandi. (Fixes rope to ceiling and sings:) "Do your balls hang low? Can you swing 'em to and fro? / Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? / Do you get a funny feeling when they're hanging from the ceiling? / Oh you'll never be sailor if your balls hang low..." (Yanks Eddie into the bannister, crotch first
(mumbles as Richie pulls him upstairs) Take it easy, Selina, we've got all night. Do your worst your slanty-eyed fiend I'll never talk!! Good evening your majesty. I can see your pants from here.
There's a 28 inch surround sound TV with fast text, FST, NICAM and loads of other bollocks that no-one understands that I've had my eye on for a couple of months now. Right, shopping list, shopping list... I'll grab my ballpoint. Both: Ooh err! Eddie:
Oh — No time for crap double entendres, Richie, the window of Curry's just blown. They've thrown Aswad
(disguised as that bird from the abattoir) Sleep on the sofa? on my honeymoon? My mother warned me about you, you bastard, [proceeds to beat Richie] you brute, Oh I've suffered in the name of love! Only women bleed! Richie:
Yeah I think I'd dispute that actually, Eddie. Eddie:
Want some more? Richie:
(with nosebleed) No I've had plenty! you can have the bed darling. Eddie:
Why thank you tulip Richie:
Oh and er daffodil? Eddie:
Yes carnation? Richie: Get this!
(kicks Eddie in the balls)
So who is she getting married to? Eddie
Well, y'know Ted Rodgers? Richie
He's not marrying Ted Rodgers? Eddie
No, he's getting married to that bird from the abattoir who looks
like Ted Rodgers.
Sprouts Mexicain? Richie:
Sprouts Mexicain. Eddie:
What's that? Richie:
Well it's, er, sprouts, pinch of chilli powder, jar
of curry powder, hint of tabasco sauce — well, 3 bottles actually, it's not so much a "hint" as a party political broadcast — and the secret ingredient, gunpowder! Eddie:
Yeah they were left over from last christmas! [imitates ASDA jingle] Eddie:
But it's October! Richie:
Yes, they were a bit... frisky, but the spices'll cover any embarrassment.
Where's that packet of johnnies we used to have? Eddie:
We stuck 'em on our heads. Remember when Norman came round with that sherry?
Fancy a cocktail before bed? Eddie:
Absolutely not. Richie:
Oh come on ya big poof! what about a "Bloody Mavis"? Eddie:
Now that's the one that's made of Gin, blood and porcupine shit
. Err without the gin. Richie:
O.K what about a "coconut suprise?"
Is that the one with napalm in it? Richie:
Well it's a bit of something from that tin I found with the skull and crossbones on it that dissolved the spoon and sent me blind for a fortnight!
Look it's Ted Rodgers in a dress. Richie:
Don't pull that one on me! Waiter:
But it is
Ted Rodgers in a wedding dress. With a seven foot Neanderthal figure! Eddie:
That's not Ted Rodgers. That's that bird from the abattoir that's getting married to Canonball Taffy O'Jones.
: What would 007 have? Ooh! Vodka martini. Eddie
: We've only got ouzo and Pernod. Richie
: Well that'll have to do. Have we got any glace cherries? (Eddie shakes his head) Well, just bung a blob of marmalade in,then.
: What were the charges again? Eddie
: Attempted asphyxiation of the population of West London
, detonating four—hundred pounds of semtex in controversion of the Anti—Terrorism Act, attempted regicide, arson, causing an affray, and wiggling our todgers at the Queen
: We can't go on like this. Why did they take the telly away? Richie
: You know very well, Edward Hitler. They took the telly away because, according to you, while you were wending your merry way down to the telly shop with the rent money, you came across a strange old man who sold you four magic beans. Which cost exactly
the £86.23 we owed in back-rent to Rumbelow's. Eddie
: They are
magic beans, you know! Richie
: Oh yes, and here
is the magic beanstalk! [Holds up an empty plant pot]
Good thing I've got a head for heights, because it's a whopper! Eddie
: Well, it wasn't me who let us get behind with the rent, was it? How did we get £86.23 behind in the first place? Richie
: Alright, let's change the subject, it's irrelevant. In fact, I forgive you. Eddie
It wasn't me who bypassed Rumbelow's for 3 months, saved up the money and took it to Dr. O'Grady's Personal Organ Enhancement Clinic
: Er... cup of tea, Eddie? Or some money? Eddie
: WE HAVEN'T GOT ANY MONEY! THAT'S THE PROBLEM!
..."For a mere eighty-five pounds — " Richie
: Oh, God. Eddie
: "For a mere £85, you too can have your personal organ enhanced so that it is comparable in size to that of a fully grown mountain gorilla." Richie
: Yes, but when he said "comparable in size" I didn't think he meant "an awful lot smaller than". Eddie
: What? You mean it didn't work? Richie
: Well, he did enhance it temporarily
... But when it said on the door, "revolutionary new enhancement technique", I didn't think he was just going to stick me in a cubicle with a copy of Razzle