Quotes / Black Humor

I keep on noticing awesome quotes on the forum, but forget them because I have no place to put them.

This is a place to put them.
The trope only requires that the breasts be bigger, not huge.

(I was raised some sort of atheist, but played in a Pentecoastal congregation's brass orchestra. The city lacked true believers who could play the tuba.)

That sounds like an awfully selfish reason not to kill a million babies

Don't worry. When I sober up, I'll go back to being needlessly cryptic, and people will mistake me for being intelligent and insightful again.



It's vandro, he doesn't have to make sense.
Blackmoon, followed directly by:

Sense! is only needed for those that are EVIL! and my Astral Heat can do something about this evil pests


Math jokes are lamer when you get them.

Been there, done that, bought obscene t-shirt, arrested by police, got out via sexual favors, strangled manufacturer with shirt.
Tze Tze, followed directly by

You can get out of jail by giving sexual favors?

And here I was just blowing the police for fun.

Fix it! Take pride in your work! Be a hero! Receive hugs!

The words "evolution" and "milk" are involved. Honestly I can't think too deeply about the topic because I get easily distracted. And then slapped.
Zephid, answering the question "Why are large breasts attractive?"

Maybe back in the dark ages you became a doctor magically by touching a man's balls, but not anymore.

Who am I kidding. I'm a lion god. I have no place in this thread.
Lucky Revenant, in response to "What is the most humanlike thing you've ever done?"

It should be noted that St Augustine hit on this problem quite some time ago, when he noted that the scriptures were the creation of the church and the world the creation of God. As such, when our understanding of the world and our understanding of the scriptures come into conflict, the world must trump scripture, as it has a more direct connection to God.
Korgmeister. There are SO many conversations I wish I had this info for.

Oh, spare me the angst about how we're living in a dystopia. I have reliable food, shelter, and medical care year round. I can say whatever I want about the party in power, short of perhaps advocating assassination, and get away with it. If I feel like it, I can hit up Google and find anything from Darwin's expedition notebooks to the chemical pathways for mustard gas in a few minutes. I can reasonably expect to live past eighty, possibly much more if certain research pans out well. I live in one of the most crime-ridden cities of my country, and my chance of violent death is still a tiny fraction of a percent â vastly lower than most preindustrial societies. And I won't ever get conscripted, enslaved, forcibly disappeared, or even coerced into something so petty as a marriage not of my own choosing.

I don't believe you guys have met. Kinkajou and Mapi are from the Philippines, Nornagest.

... there should totally be a city called Philippines and it should exist in the country of Nornagest.
Melloncollie, proving I have lowered the entry barriers for this page too far.

Earlier, while I was making dinner, I humped a door. Just sorta walked up to it and went "unf" a couple times. And pelvic thrusts.

It wasn't sexual or anything, it just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

Treating campaign contributions as munitions is a vaguely amusing idea, but I don't think it'd fly, legally speaking.

There are no "straightforward answers" to your questions, because they are not, in fact, questions. They are statements, proclaiming that you know people's bodies and identities better than they do, wrapped in a false concern for their well being that is more at home at an ex-gay ministry than anywhere else. I do not know what compelled you to make this thread. I do not care. All I ask is that you stop antagonizing people here.
English Ivy, winning a thread.

Nothing makes [someone] argue harder than being proven wrong.
Scott Adams

Can we please back off from advocating genocide for a minute?

I know what this is a reference to, but it would make more sense if you could express it in terms of clear literal entities, rather than pants.

There's an old joke saying that DARPA involved an Elder God in its early networking research somehow. Some people say it still sleeps within the A ring of the Pentagon.

Hail Shub-Internet.

Inkblot: [picture with text "IT'S RAPE TIME"]
Electivirus: In between Rape-o-clock and Rape-o-clock, I'd assume.
Tzetze: It's rape:30? :/

You two appear to be in violent agreement with each other.

So I propose we arm [AOD] with graphs and a knife, and then he can appear on worldwide television and explain all this stuff as eloquently as he did in On-Topic Conversations, and then he can knife everyone who goes "but it's snowing!"
Latw PIAT, on global warming

I'm Pretty sure the Use of Weaponized [AOD] is against the geneva convention.
Lanceleoghauni, directly after that

Cormoran: Admittedly, such an attitude does wonders for emotional confusion: "I did something, and I don't know if it's okay" - "Well, did you have a boner while doing it?" - "Yeah" - "In that case you're good".
Myrmydon: So that murder I commited yesterday was alright then? That's a load off my mind.
Cormoran: Well, You will still be prosecuted, but I think it is a viable option of plea: "But Your Honour, I had a boner, how could I ignore my 'little' friend! Isn't it right, 'Little Joe'? [takes a penis out and makes a ventriloquist act]" - "Little Joe":"Forgive him, Your Honour, he had no choice but to obey me!" - "All right then, court dismissed!".

I'd like to at least raise a small flagon to Ice Queen, she managed to pull off being extremely LOUD without going anywhere near the caps lock key, an oratory skill not many people posess
Pacific. Backstory: Ice Queen was just banned.

It's kind of like the Midas' touch story, except with more nookie.
Bioelectricclam, on Medusa

I object to the idea that my mind is a database you can just perform inane searches in.

That's precious runtime you're using, time I could use to look at porn or something.

A man's genitals are in fact an exceptionally useful implement for performing a wide array of tasks! Why, I never leave home without mine!

I need criticism, or else I'll just go through life thinking of people as talking file cabinets.
Hatter, out of context.

Don't count your chickens until your eggs supply is large enough to make random probabilities of hatching statistically insignificant.

I've been Americanized, which is like baptism except I was given a baseball cap, a hotdog, and a tiny American flag.

A whorebag is a bag used to store whores, of course.
Nornagest's definitive definition of whorebag.

The Lord of the Rings: Midget has to melt jewelery to save the world

General rule of headlines: if it ends with a question mark, the reason is because the answer to the question is 'no'.

The difference between coding and debugging is analogous to the difference between writing a story and being slowly skinned alive by papercuts over a period of several weeks.

Did you know that everybody eventually dies? The game is all there is.

^I'd so watch an anime about holy ninjas.

I propose we all stop using the word "feminism". If we described our viewpoints in functional terms rather than using a word pointing to a couple dozen subtly different ideologies, we might have a chance of actually coming to some conclusions rather than arguing semantics.

Rather a silly straw man. Communists don't want everyone to be 'equal' whatever that means. We just want a world where everyone is provided all the resources needed to lead a fulfilling life. If that means telling some rich family that they have to live in 2 rooms of their 6 bedroom house, while we put homeless people in the other rooms, so be it.
Tribune, for reference

After lurking a bit on the forums and clicking links/opening tabs, I find myself reading up on Bayesion reasoning, the Permian-Triassic extinction, and the Gulf of Mexico while listening to both Vocaloid music and George Carlin's stand up at the same time. I cannot explain this to eavesdroppers.

Oh my God. University professors have opinions! Non-mainstream opinions that they are vocal about, and I disagree with! This is unacceptable. The President must know.

I think the Russians learned their lesson the last time they fucked with Finland.

French history begins and ends with Charlemagne.

Everything else is people who thought they were Charlemagne (Napoleon), people who thought they were God (Louis XIV) and people who thought they were both Charlemagne and God (Charles De Gaulle).

Yay, I'm teamed up with Black Humor, one of my favorite humors. Bile is a close second though.

some chess theories demonstrate that attacking when you have NATO backing you is always preferable to not moving your pieces until NATO gets bored and leaves.

chess is funny like that.

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