Out of the intelligently-designed cruelty of some cock-sucking asshole of a God, or just dumb luck, Australia has the largest concentration of venomous, aggressive, and black-hearted creatures on Earth.
"The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the spiders won't go near the sea."
"Ah, Australian animals. If it isn't venomous, carnivorous, or has foot-long claws, it's a tourist."
First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer. But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all. Dial-A-Wombat.
It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in another phone booth.
There it was: Another angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and released it, too, in the scrub.
But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another telephone booth, and — you guessed it — another imprisoned wombat.
After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in telephone booths.'
— Newcastle Morning Herald, WSW Australia, August 1980
Australia is not without its dangers and every animal in the country can be classified as belonging to one or more of the three categories: Dangerous, Poisonous, and Sheep.
— Make A Wish, chapter 33, by Rorschach's Blot
Rare giant squid washes up on the beach in Australia. If you are missing a rare giant squid in Australia, please call the rare giant missing squid hotline, or just go get a new rare giant squid (with rare giant squid pic goodness).
— Fark.com, July 11, 2007
"See, there's a reason Australia is a water-locked continent: Geography is trying to protect you."