Quotes: Acceptable Targets

Film — Live-Action

I love hitmen. No matter what you do to them, you don't feel bad.
Marv, Sin City

Roxy: Who're killin' next? Do you take requests? Because I was thinking maybe some Kardashians, my gym coach, people who give high fives — really, any jock — Twihards, people who talk about punk rock. (Who else really rips my cock off?)
Frank: Get off the bed!
Roxy: Oh, Mormons and other religious assholes who won't let gay people be married. And adult women who call their tits 'the girls'.

Web Animation

One of the many advantages of Nazis is that you don't have to justify shit. 'Hey, this guy's a Nazi, want to drown him in his own piss?' the game might ask. 'Sorry, did you say something? I was busy drowning a Nazi in his own piss,' we might reply.

Web Original

Rural satanists. Of course it's rural satanists.
Phil Sandifer on K-9 and Company

"Perivale feels like a real late eighties British suburb....It’s a nice touch – if a little on the nose – that the predatory teenager changes out of his working class clothes and into a yuppie’s business suit. He even wears sunglasses to conceal his cheetah eyes, and talks in yuppie clichés."

Brought to the brink of extinction, [the Daleks] have been forced to resurrect themselves from the 'dregs'... which seems to be synonymous with the contestants who lose game shows. The Daleks take the people who get knocked out before the finale. Because the Daleks have become TV producers. They've become the people who run Big Brother and Trinny & Susannah and The Weakest Link. They've become the bosses of reality TV. They've become Simon Cowell. (Which is kind of an insult to the Daleks, if you ask me.)

When you pay $1,239 (which is the average price of a NYC theater ticket nowadays) to see a show, the last thing you want to deal with is rude audience members who don’t know how to act right and ruin your theater-going experience. Some messes still don’t get it and shit has gotten so crazy that an attention whore wreck recently got on stage during a performance of the Broadway play Hand to God and tried to plug his phone into a fake outlet. Well, if Broadway star and Corky’s mom Patti LuPone was in that show and was on stage at the time, he would’ve gone home without his phone… because it would have still been attached to the hand she ripped off.
Michael K., "Patti LuPone is an American Hero"

The Dolphins even suck in Madden every year.

That’s the great thing about doing this column on the Internet: We can smack-talk the Amish all we want; they’ll never know.
Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Smallville ("Harvest")

Oh my, I guess Mark Trail rescuing his antagonists from fiery car crashes to show his dominance over them is a story element of the past! Under Mark Trail’s new management, Mark pulls you from a fiery car crash to show his magnanimity, rushes you to a hospital … and then you die, from your animal-poaching sins...I deem this a tough but fair punishment of an unpleasant fictional character for rhino-murder.

I would have very much enjoyed hearing this doctor explain to Mark and Lori exactly why Chris died. "His injuries didn’t seem life-threatening at first, but despite our best efforts his wounds became infected almost immediately. It’s as if no matter how much we cleaned him, he was always … dirty."

Web Video

"This whole movie, these terrorists have just been inept clowns. It's just—And then it just ends with him on a Wile E. Coyote missile."
"(guffaws) Yeah, Cameron was not sympathetic to the terrorists at all."

Why is it always about Congress with Deceased Crab? He won't stop making fun of Congress. It's so easy! And no one is ever gonna take offense. You should try it!

"Over the past 20 years, there have been five bandsnote  totally acceptable to hate reflexively (and by "totally acceptable," I mean that the casual hater wouldn't even have to provide a justification — he or she could just openly hate them and no one would question why)."
— Chuck Klosterman of Grantland, "A Night With the World's Most Hated Bands

1) Chechens - Shoot on sight.
2) Bears - Shoot on sight.
3) Wolves - Shoot on sight.
4) Fascists - Shoot on sight.
5) Zombies - Consult with Dr. Mann first.
6) Rabid dogs - Shoot on sight.
7) Chaos Insurgents - Shoot on sight. Show no mercy. These are less than human.
8) SCP-682 - Most of the time you will not even see SCP-682. But you must prepare for all things, and this is something to prepare for. SCP-682 is a soulless monster and should be shot repeatedly until he is deads.
9) Vegetarians - These people know nothing about f
Killing The Enemies And His Family Too, Section 8: Who You Shoot On Sight, by Captain Dmitri Arkadeyevich Strelnikov, SCP Foundation.

Web Video

Corporate America: Killing art.

Real Life

There is no hell. There is only France.

The other night I went to a Chinese-German restaurant down the street. The food is great, but an hour later you're hungry for power.
Dick Cavett