"The other night I went to a Chinese-German restaurant down the street. The food is great, but an hour later you're hungry for power."
"Rural satanists. Of course it's rural satanists."
—Phil Sandifer on K-9 and Company
"One of the many advantages of Nazis is that you don't have to justify shit. 'Hey, this guy's a Nazi, want to drown him in his own piss?' the game might ask. 'Sorry, did you say something? I was busy drowning a Nazi in his own piss,' we might reply."
"That’s the great thing about doing this column on the Internet: We can smack-talk the Amish all we want; they’ll never know."
"Oh my, I guess Mark Trail rescuing his antagonists from fiery car crashes to show his dominance over them is a story element of the past! Under Mark Trail’s new management, Mark pulls you from a fiery car crash to show his magnanimity, rushes you to a hospital … and then you die, from your animal-poaching sins...I deem this a tough but fair punishment of an unpleasant fictional character for rhino-murder.
I would have very much enjoyed hearing this doctor explain to Mark and Lori exactly why Chris died. 'His injuries didn’t seem life-threatening at first, but despite our best efforts his wounds became infected almost immediately. It’s as if no matter how much we cleaned him, he was always … dirty.'”
"Before the corn syrup industry rewrote our country's DNA to be mostly pancake, being obese was a bit of a novelty. If you sent a pair of today's average-size pants back to 1950, they would assume it was some kind of 15-man parachute and drop an airborne squad into Korea. So it's understandable that Little Archie and his writers had no idea how to deal with fat people...Despite her nearly supernatural weight issues, Bubbles had her fair share of suitors. Unfortunately, the boys were only interested in her ice cream. I think this was supposed to be funny, but afterward the author literally devoted half a page to Bubbles silently crying about it. The note to the artist probably said, 'Bubbles plods into the shadows, weeping, her stupid ham face desperately trying to brine itself. She deserves all of this pain. All of it.'"
"Why is it always about Congress with Deceased Crab? He won't stop making fun of Congress. It's so easy! And no one is ever gonna take offense. You should try it!"
"Over the past 20 years, there have been five bandsnote totally acceptable to hate reflexively (and by "totally acceptable," I mean that the casual hater wouldn't even have to provide a justification — he or she could just openly hate them and no one would question why)."
— Chuck Klosterman of Grantland, "A Night With the World's Most Hated Bands
1) Chechens - Shoot on sight.
2) Bears - Shoot on sight.
3) Wolves - Shoot on sight.
4) Fascists - Shoot on sight.
5) Zombies - Consult with Dr. Mann first.
6) Rabid dogs - Shoot on sight.
7) Chaos Insurgents - Shoot on sight. Show no mercy. These are less than human.
8) SCP-682 - Most of the time you will not even see SCP-682. But you must prepare for all things, and this is something to prepare for. SCP-682 is a soulless monster and should be shot repeatedly until he is deads.
9) Vegetarians - These people know nothing about f