Grouches of the world unite
Stand up for your Grouch-ly rights
Don't let the sunshine spoil your rain
Just stand up and complain!
Let this be the Grouches' cause
Point out everybody's flaws!
Something is wrong with everything
Except the way I sing!
Good, good! Let the hate flow through you!
Take note. This guy hates
things. That's how you know he has taste.
Gosh, this place looks so tiny! I remember it was huge! Enid Nightshade:
It's quite small, actually. Jadu Wali:
Miniscule. Ruby Cherrytree:
Falling apart, most of it. Enid Nightshade:
There's only parts worth living in. You have to really squash up. Mr. Hallow:
Now girls, we're here to celebrate the castle's anniversary not exaggerate its shortcomings.
No one gossips about other peopleís secret virtues.
All successful newspapers are ceaselessly querulous and bellicose. They never defend anyone or anything if they can help it; if the job is forced on them, they tackle it by denouncing someone or something else.
So much for Objective Journalism. Don't bother to look for it here—not under any byline of mine; or anyone else I can think of. With the possible exception of things like box scores, race results, and stock market tabulations, there is no such thing as Objective Journalism. The phrase itself is a pompous contradiction in terms.
I think these are passages we can skim past. They're awful, of course, but awful in a pedestrian way. I'm more interested in the more instructively
awful passages of this book.
The cynic is one who never sees a good quality in a man and never fails to see a bad one. He is the human owl, vigilant in the darkness and blind to the light, always pursuing vermin and never hunting noble game.
— Henry Ward Beecher
I need to stand on a rake or fall in a vat of sheep excrement for there to be something to write about each month. Good news, frankly, is dull.
Writing about shows I like is less funny then writing about shows I hate. So instead of discussing today's Spider-Man
episode, let's take an interlude and discuss some of Kids' WB!
's final commercials.
Every year, I promise myself that Iíll never read Gregggggg
again, and then he goes and writes something awful and I feel compelled to speak up on behalf of America. Thereís something admirable in how bad Greggggggg is from week to week. I can always count on him to pretend he is the only person who knows obvious things and to bitch about fictional stories being fictional.
Itís quite an achievement. Often on television, characters waive around Starbucks-style coffee cups that are obviously empty props. Cops show up for work looking disheveled and holding a coffee cup that has a lid but doesn't seem to weigh anything or radiate heat ó there's no sleeve around the cup. OH MY GOD EVERYTHING IS RUINED NOW.
Iím gonna watch reruns of Hawaii Five-O
and all Iíll be able to think about is HEY WHY ISNíT THAT COFFEE HOT?!
If power stations could be run on entitled stupidity, Yelp is living proof that all of humanity would never need live in darkness again...Do you get how a numbered rating system works, Elise P.? If a place is good, you give it stars. If it's really good, you give it more stars. At no point are you supposed to boomerang back and start deducting stars
because it crossed a goodness threshold. Your job is not to try to prove Einstein correct.
I hate all of these teams. Of course, itís my job to hate every team, but the grim side effect of that workóapart from the fact that it makes me a terrible person who sets a poor example for his children and can never be redeemedóis that I cannot find a clear rooting interest among these four fanbases. Colts fans are fat, spoiled brats
...The Packers are the chief rival of my favorite team and, like the Colts, have fans who are fat and gross
. The Seahawks are kinda cool but already won this thing last season, and I donít like any team that wins too much
because I am BUTTHURT because my team never wins jack shit. And the Patriots are the Patriots.
, "One Day We'll Be Too Lazy to Watch Football"
I know we mainly focused on the shitty aspects, but let me tell you, that's the name of the game.
Now, if you're looking for a balanced and thoughtful critique, then what the fuck are you doing here?
I'm just going to rail it with the same point as always until it cries. Strap in while I strap-on
One of the things that I've been contemplating as I teach the handful of sections of courses I can get is the fact that we've really done an awfully cynical job of teaching people to read. Not necessarily a bad one — actually my students are very good at following plot and comprehending the reading. Apparently we've gotten that down. No, where we fall flat is that we've somehow created an army of cynical readers who go looking to dislike things.
Y-you took something that was just miserable
from the past and you just obsessed over it! You turned it into your lives!!
, Demo Reel
, tearing into this trope.
"Why? Because it's easier to be negative. That part will never change."
(Reading correspondence on Transformers: Dark of the Moon
) "...big alien machines, big explosions, big army stuff, fast cars, and battles and thats-gonna-hurt scenes. Very very entertaining, better than the last effort by miles. And with that spirit of optimism, let's find out what Mark thinks."
Well it's horrible, vile, vulgar and hideous, but it's important to understand why.