Look at me, jerking off in the shower. This will be the high point of my day... it's all downhill from here
Everyone's asleep, and here's lonely old Dupree just wailing away on himself!
You choke the chicken before any big date, don't you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous.
The boys and girls are one tonight.
They unbutton blouses. They unzip flies.
They take off shoes. They turn off the light.
The glimmering creatures are full of lies.
They are eating each other. They are overfed.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.
He's an asshole. All he does is sit in his room and jerk off. He's probably gone nearsighted.
I would argue that masturbation is the human animal's most important adaptation. The very cornerstone of our technological civilization. Our hands evolved to grip tools, all right - including our own. You see, thinkers, inventors, and scientists are usually geeks, and geeks have a hard time getting laid than anyone. Without the built-in sexual release valve provided by masturbation, it's doubtful that early humans would have ever mastered the secrets of fire or discovered the wheel. And you can bet that Galileo, Newton, and Einstein never would have made their discoveries if they hadn't first be able to clear their heads by slapping the salami (or "knocking a few protons off the old hydrogen atom"). The same goes for Marie Curie. Before she discovered radium, you can be certain she first discovered the little man in the canoe.
(over the phone
) So, Brian, since you can't be with me tonight, what do you plan to do, cruise a couple of bars? Brian:
No, I'm too tired, it'll just be mother thumb and her four daughters.
Savor this alone time, but do not whack too much. We need you to conserve your O2.
: The Sistine Chapel is art
. If they said anything they would have said "Blimey! Nice painting Mr. Angelo. Now that's what I call art, and it's not porny at all!" Eddie
: It bloody well is
dirty you know. There's those three birds on the top of the third pillar from the left with the blue ribbon. Corr - some of the things they're doing would make your nose bleed! There's a picture of it in that history of art book, where is it? Richard
) Oh, well, let's not bother with all that now Eddie, let's just have dinner... Eddie
: Here it is, in your study area. (opens it
) That's odd; it's fallen open at the exact page. (re-opens it
) Extraordinary, it's done it again! Richard
: Yes, well, I've been studying that picture. Eddie
: Been, uh, "studying" it quite a lot, have you? (Sotto voce
) While you were alone in the house? Richard
: How dare
you accuse me of masturbating. Eddie
: Who said anything about masturbating? Richard
: You did! Just then! Eddie
: I did not. I just said it's odd how it always falls open at that precise page. Richard
: Yes you did! And the reason you said that is because you know that's the picture I always
look at when I'm having a wuh- (realizes what he's saying
You got me sacked. And now, I have to yank meself off around the clock because I can't get any proper sex with girls!
When I was twelve, I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake, I skinned my sausage, I made the bald man cry! ...Into the turtle stew, which my sister ate. At least, I hope she did.
Well, if it isn't Casanova, the man who seduced himself.
Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body's changing - it's all good, believe me. Problem now is... every time we jerk the gerkin, we get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So... First order of business - no more socks. They're expensive, gumming up the works plumbing-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked... You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning - that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take 4 or 5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options. So let's start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your dick head like a fuckin' band-aid - ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack-catchers - specificially, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on - when you tug your Thomas on the toilet - ffft - shoot right into the bowl. In bed - soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist - you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. Okay - class dismissed.
And when my hand touches myself
I can finally rest my head
and when they say "take of his body"
I think I'll take from mine instead
Why bother dating
It's so frustrating
Stay home and touch yourself
You can save lots of money
And you can call yourself "honey"
At night when you touch yourself.
— Barnes & Barnes, "Touch Yourself"
My Weena is lonely tonight.
She always cries when I turn off the light.
She's only happy when I'm holdin' her tight!
Oh my Weena...
Take a look at my Weena.
Sneaking in the back door with dirty magazines
now your mother wants to know what are all those stains on your jeans.
I am as vain as I allow
I do my hair, I gloss my eyes
I touch myself all through the night
...and in the words of the immortal Francois de la Brioskee, "everybody bops."
Moderation is masturbation
What is what and what makes me feel goo'
All these things I think about, I think about
Always come unglued
Now I'm stranded all alone in the gas station of love, and I have to use the "self service" pump...
Pictures of Lily made my life so wonderful
Pictures of Lily helped me sleep at night
Pictures of Lily solved my childhood problems
Pictures of Lily helped me feel alright
There's one thing to be said about masturbation: you certainly don't have to look your best.
I go up to my room, turn the stereo on,
shoot up some you in the you of some song.
I lie back just driftin' and play out these scenes
I ride on the rush, all the hopes, all the dreams.
Anything you look at while you masturbate is porn. Your bedroom ceiling, for example.
...So after five hours in the ER they tell us it's nothing to worry about. Marten:
Still, I can understand why she freaked out. Better safe than sorry, I guess. Steve:
I just wish we'd finished banging. I've got serious blue balls now. Marten: Thanks for sharing. Dora:
What, can't you just go home and jerk off? Steve:
That's like tellin' a kid you're going to Disneyland and then droppin' him off at a McDonald's playground. Dora
: At least a ball pit is better than nothing. Steve
: Yeah, you've got a point. I'll be right back. Marten
: Goddamnit NOT IN MY BATHROOM! Dora
: There's lotion under the sink!
If I have to walk in on my roommate one more time
Sitting with his hand upon his lap
Filling my computer screen with pictures dirty and obscene
It may be the last before I snap
If I have to walk in on my roommate one more time
Looking at me with those guilty eyes
Grabbing a blanket in one swift motion
(Not to mention my bottle of lotion)
I may have to say my last goodbyes
Have you tried... you know, indulging yourself?
Honest to Gods, it really doesn't make you go blind...