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- Crime Overdeities and Greater Gods
- Crime Intermediate Gods
- Crime Lesser Gods
- Crime Demigods and Quasideities
The Criminal TriadThe Three Guards of the House of Crime
Carmen Sandiego, Goddess of Impossible, Monumental, and Intangible Thefts (Carmen Isabela Sandiego)
- Theme Songs: The themes of her TV shows: "Where in the World", "Where in Time", and "Where on Earth"
- Intermediate Goddess
- Symbol: Her red trench coat and fedora
- Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
- Portfolio: Classy Cat Burglars, Ever-Elusive Villains, Punny Named Mooks, Easily Escaping From Jail, Friendly Rivalry, Puzzles, The Color Red, Stealing Everything Not Nailed Down (Including the Nails)
- Domains: City, Craft, Knowledge, Liberation, Trickery
- Followers: Haley Starshine, Mouse, Garrett, Thief, Sam Starfall, Roxy Lalonde
- Allies: Catwoman and the Black Cat, Jack Sparrow, Waldo, Daiki Kaitou, Lupin The 3rd, Fujiko Mine, Valerie Frizzle
- Enemies: The Godmodder, Lord Brevon
- Was originally a Lesser Goddess, but managed to steal the "Intermediate Goddess" title from Robin Hood when he was away from Sherwood Forest (and she stole that, too...She's just that good). She occasionally teams up with him on the more intriguing heists. Rumor has it that when he found out the forest was gone she let him figure out how to get it back, and then stole his grudge. He still remembers what she did, and thinks he should be angry about it. But he can't.
- On her off days, she will sail the lowest floor with Captain Jack and steal the appeal of pieces of merchandise while talking about the time she stole the smile from the Smiling Enlightened, leaving the face of the goddess perfectly mobile but without the ability to smile.
- One night she broke into Looten Plunder's tower, stealing the abilities to keep her out and alert security of his locks and electronics systems, stealing the sound of her footsteps, stealing Plunder's ability to be awakened by soft noise. She did not then take everything that wasn't nailed down and then swipe Gordon Freeman's crowbar to pry up more, she did not take the floorboards and windows and doors and wallpaper, she did not take his stocks and his bed and his clothing. No. She stole the value of all these things; they looked and worked the same and yet their value was entirely gone. Plunder replaced it all in under three days, but he has not forgotten, and she has not stolen the sting of this insult.
- The only thief to successfully steal the Treasures of the Gods. She didn't just take the treasures, no. She didn't even take the entire complex; it was still there, doors and items and all. No, she took the powers of the items themselves, leaving them looking the same but utterly inert. She put them back after Insert Name Here tracked her down by the clues she left, but only a handful of gods know why or how she did it.
- Has a soft spot for people less competent than herself. Since she's Carmen Sandiego, this is a long list. The only forbidden place she cannot reach is the Main House, although she can and has stolen its entrance before and continues to look for a way to break into the Main House itself, if for no other reason than just to prove that she can.
- That said, she envies Lord Brevon for successfully breaking in it before he ascended. And with security further tightened after that, her chances of breaking in have become slimmer, though she hasn't given up.
- Her power is alarming in its scope. Considering that she can not only steal languages and landmarks and stars, but also gods, time periods, and abstract concepts, many have wondered why she is not an Overdeity. She claims that she steals and leaves clues just to prove that she can. While she is friendly with gods of Good and Evil alignments, she truly owes allegiance only to herself.
- Has a friendly rivalry going with Lupin The 3rd, who thinks she's hot as hell and a great thief to boot. Sandiego thinks Lupin's a fun companion, and a great ally in bigger heists that could theoretically be too much for her.
- When Fujiko Mine ascended, there were rumors that the two would get into an escalating war of who could steal the most stuff and how audacious they could be. Instead, the two get along quite well and team up together to pull off amazing heists.
- It is generally agreed, along a similar vein to Rule 34, that if something exists, Carmen Sandiego can steal it. If it doesn't, she can steal its lack of reality just so she can steal it.
- Was recently caught up in an impressive paradox with Candle Jack, in an incident where she was attempting to steal something, accidentally said his name, and when he appeared she tried to steal his powers to appear wherever her name was said. This resulted in a near-infinite portal jump sequence that took them to every location in time and space in an instant...the Denizens of the House of Time and Space are still working out what exactly happened.
- Was once invited to sit in at Bad-Guy Anon meeting, being a popular and well-known video game villain. Wreck-It Ralph especially agreed with her stance that while she is a villain, her role isn't to be evil but to pose a challenge because without bad guys there wouldn't be a game. And she loves it when agents play her game.
- To this end, she once stole the Sugar Rush Winner's Cup for this very reason. Vanellope was not pleased, but begrudgingly went with it and successfully recovered the cup. Carmen offered her a place in her V.I.L.E. roster afterward, but Vanellope declined, insisting she was not a thief (though Ralph begged to differ).
- It's been rumored that she has taken an interest in and is considering making an offer to take Pinkie Pie as her personal protégé due to their similar reality-defying capabilities, but has not yet done so due to doubts that she has regarding Pinkie's morality, difficulty in staying focused, and lack of a Punny Name. Pinkie herself seems to be unaware of any potential interest Carmen may have in her.
- She stole Count Logan's cane, apparently as payback for him "borrowing" four of her mooks and a theme song (which was butchered, of course).
- Despite her reputation, Carmen also has a Dark Secret: she was once an enforcer for Captain America and Sherlock Holmes. That's right. She originally got her start working for law enforcement, and was actually supposedly a highly competent detective for people such as Inspector Zenigata. However, for Carmen, Good Is Boring, and she soon felt that she had a more challenging lifestyle for herself in trying to outsmart the law rather than work for it. The one other thing she's been unable to steal at this moment are the files in Captain America's drawer detailing how she became the law's most outrageous criminal and among the most wanted in the house. She's desired going after it several times, even attempting a complicated gambit to steal history's artifacts as a smokescreen to steal the file from under the gods's noses, but each attempt only ends in her getting a backhand from various gods saying, "You can run from your past, but you can't change it."
- Despite being the greatest thief in the house, Carmen isn't interested in killing anyone for her thefts. Some point to her kid friendly record for this, but the more likely explanation is that the easy solution is just no fun for someone like Carmen Sandiego.
- The Godmodder is to this day the only person to successfully earn Carmen Sandiego's honest-to-goodness ire, not only being able to interfere with her powers at will, but also having both nearly killed her and temporarily disabled her godly regeneration during their first face-to-face meeting. Needless to say, she holds the grudge.
- There are rumors that Carmen Sandiego and Valerie Frizzle were childhood friends and helped each other to become who they are now (though maybe Frizzle didn't intend for Sandiego to eventually become a criminal). But if there is any solid evidence behind this theory, even instances of the two ever meeting, Carmen has stolen all of it.
- When Carmen learned that Lord Brevon had managed to get into the Main House, she began making plans to steal one of his ships to break in herself. In responce, Brevon has increased security- but chances are that Carmen will steal that, too.
Jack Sparrow, God of Piracy (Captain Jack Sparrow)
- Theme Song: The Medallion Calls. More famously, "He's a Pirate", or alternatively...
- Lesser God
- Symbol: A compass with a translucent heart overlaid
- Alignment: Chaotic Neutral (with shades of Good)
- Portfolio: Pirates of the Caribbean, Bad Boys Wanted By Girls, Returnees from the Dead, Cool Boats, Those Who Enjoy One-On-One-On-One Fights, Lovable Rogues, Making Stuff Up on the Fly
- Domain: Greed, Charm, Glory, Ocean
- Followers: The Pirates of Dark Water, Guybrush Threepwood, Captain Ulrich Svensgard, Edward Kenway
- Allies: Carmen Sandiego, Lupin The 3rd, Sora.
- Friendly Rivals: Ryu Hayabusa, Peter Pan, the Gokaigers.
- Enemies: Tidehunter, Zhaitan
- Engaged in an eternal battle with Ryu Hayabusa to determine which is greater once and for all...Pirates or Ninjas (This doesn't stop the mutual respect both Hayabusa and Sparrow have for each other.) Unfortunately, his support of internet piracy threatens to add Looten Plunder to his loooooong list of enemies. Keeps telling his drinking buddy Jiraiya to switch over to his side, but is always told that wenches never have clean teeth.
- Enjoys boating through the lowest level of the House, swiping waterproof merchandise and complaining that if he is a god, why isn't he floating on rum?
- Has Lupin The 3rd as a drinking buddy and later met up with Lupin's gang members Daisuke Jigen and Goemon Ishikawa. Daisuke rolls his eyes at him, and the Captain has recently gotten his eye on Goemon's sword.
- The story of his ascension began with yet another attempt to gain Immortality. He had taken over Will's position as captain of the Flying Dutchman enjoying the company of lovely squid humanoids when the ship was attacked by a mythical sea turtle that was three times as big as the ship. He wrestled the creature to the depths of the ocean and ripped its shell off. The explosion of magical energy energized him above the level of Calypso. Whether or not this story is true no one knows, but there was a sea turtle involved, somehow.
- Michael Bolton has recently become his prophet, telling tales of his adventures (with the unwitting help of The Lonely Island). Whether he approves is yet to be known.
- Recently, he challenged Captain Marvelous of the Toku Base... in a Rice with Curry eating contest in the House of Food.
- Once teamed up with Sora and made a deal that he got to keep the Keyblade after it was done. Sora gave him the Keyblade...and it returned to his hands two seconds later. Captain Sparrow has sworn to one day build himself a large crew to take the Keyblade back. Sora just smiles at that.
- If you've seen the two fighting together and notice a strange chest on the ground, don't open it! There's a bomb inside!
- Since he is the God of Piracy, he is on the top of Sakazuki's hit list, tied with Monkey D. Luffy.
- Calvin Candie once offered Captain Sparrow a job transporting a shipment of slaves to Candyland. Sparrow refused, telling Candie in no uncertain terms "People aren't cargo, mate." Candie has since sworn to have his dogs tear Captain Sparrow apart if he ever sees him again.
Professor James Moriarty, God of Criminal Masterminds (The Napoleon of Crime, Jim)
- Demigod (May actually be a Greater God who is concealing his power)
- Symbols: A most curious absence of any identifying symbols. Occasionally, it's a copy of The Dynamics of an Asteroid.
- Alignment: Lawful Evil
- Portfolio: Evil Counterpart, Deductive Reasoning, Consulting Criminal, Forehead of Doom, Breakout Villain
- Domain: Crime, Knowledge, Secrets, Persecution
- Allies: An untold number of villains and underlings owe a debt of gratitude to Moriarty's machinations, but he'd never let you trace them back to him.
- Followers: See Allies.
- Enemies: Sherlock Holmes, Dr. John Watson, Sam Vimes, Hercule Poirot, and other crime-solvers
- Moriarty's inclusion in the pantheon does not mark his acension, but rather the moment it became apparent that he'd been here all along, orchestrating crimes through a multitude of agents.
- As the evil counterpart to Sherlock Holmes, Moriarty uses the same brilliantly logical mind to orchestrate crimes as the detective does to solve them, and shares his arch-enemy's devoted interest in the works of the House of Justice.
- Has an aversion to waterfalls.
- Also holds a seat in the House of Mentalism, but prefers staying here to be closer to his element and contacts.
- Has been spotted playing high-stakes speed chess with Lelouch vi Britannia on a few occasions.
- Speculation abounds on exactly what it is that Dynamics of an Asteroid is about.
- Professor Ratigan prides himself in being Moriarty's mouse equivalent, and one of his more devoted followers.
Chosokabe Motochika resigned the title of Kleptomaniac Heroes, and anybody who wants to take his place is welcome. Rumors have it that Wilson Fisk, archenemy of Daredevil and Spider-Man is plotting to assume the position of supreme deity of all criminal actives within this hose with the backing of Melkor in the near future...