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Jack Chick
aka: Chick Tracts
Sometimes, tragicomedy strikes like a lightning bolt from heaven.

This section is devoted to the cottage industry that is Chick Tracts Narm. HAW HAW HAW.

  • Perhaps Jack Chick's most famous tract is in the process of becoming a live-action movie. "Dark Dungeons: The Movie!" is a Kickstarter funded effort to transform Jack Chick's tract, "Dark Dungeons", into a live-action movie, and the sight of real actors reading the lines in costume and in character has to be seen to be believed. Debate rages on whether the filmmaker believes in the tract or not.
    • He's not serious. He's all but admitted he's doing a giant Stephen Colbert-esque move. He said that his favorite Comedian was Stephen Colbert and that "The best humor is done by a person doing it completely straight that for a moment you think he's serious."
  • This little gem is from the very first panel of Doom Town:
  • The infamous "Dark Dungeons" tract shows so much ignorance of the game it's railing against that it's a source of hilarity among Dungeons & Dragons players. A level 8 (or higher) Cleric is having trouble with "the Zombie" — something she should be able to destroy automatically with a single Turn Undead roll.
    • An especially Narmful moment is when a player receives "the real power" upon reaching level 8. They're taught to cast real spells. For some reason, these spells for players, as opposed to PCs, are not immediately evident in the D&D rulebooks.
    • The protagonist reacts to her friend's suicide:
    "You didn't have to do that!"
    • The Game Master's screen says Dark Dungeons. The rule books all say Dark Dungeons. Yet, as early as the fourth panel, characters refer to the game as D&D. So, it's Dark and Dungeons now?
      "Don't be stupid, Debbie."
      "I don't want to be Elfstar anymore. I want to be Debbie."
    • Go here for a hilarious take on what Moral Guardians think kids do with Dungeons and Dragons books.
    • A player is thrown out of the game and commits suicide because their character died. These people are Dungeons & Dragons players. Have they never heard of making a new character, resurrecting the old one, or joining a group that doesn't throw people out of the game for having a character die?
      • More likely the girl must have had issues long beforehand; the kind who'd declare bankruptcy after losing at Monopoly.
    • Also, in the comic, it's the Game Master telling what actions the characters do and the players giving the results of the action. In any real roleplaying game, it works the other way around: players give their actions, and Game Masters tell them the results. A Jack-Chick rules RP session should be a weird mix of Railroading and Monty Haul...
    • "NO, NOT BLACK LEAF! NO, NO! I'M GOING TO DIE!"
    • "THE INTENSE OCCULT TRAINING THROUGH D&D PREPARED DEBBIE TO ACCEPT THE INVITATION TO ENTER A WITCHES' COVEN." You can't say that with a straight face.
      • "It's my fault Black Leaf died. I can't face life alone!"
    • So after the characters realize how eeeeevil Dark Dungeons is, what do they do with their leftover rulebooks/gameboards/dice/etc.? Do they throw them away? Return them to the publisher? Sell them off to a gaming store? No, that would make them normal people. Instead, they all do the good Christian thing and chuck them in a big fat bonfire.
  • In Who Murdered Clarice?, an abortion doctor is being judged after death for his crime. Who is the judge?
    "Surprise, everybody!!! It's the Lord Jesus Christ."
  • Bobby in The Last Generation is over-the-top in everything he does, from his Hitler Youth-style uniform to his suggesting that cats and dogs are good sacrifices.
    • This one is actually a retcon - the original printed version of The Last Generation had cats and dogs as examples of "extinct animals". Chick originally couldn't make up his mind whether to have Atheism or New Age as the enforced state religion - in the reissue, he replaced all science/atheism references with occult-related phrases.
    • Apparently famous New Age healers look like villains from ultra-cheap Fifties sci-fi movies.
  • The story about the brothers in Room 310, in which one brother impersonates the other and gets executed for murder, and the other confesses later but avoids punishment because someone paid for the crime, manages to cross the line from Critical Research Failure to funny.
  • This one, called "Angels?" might just take the cake. The idea of the Angels succeeding as a band with lyrics like "We're going to Rock, Rock, Rock Rock with the ROCK!" and "Embrace Me Love of Death" (which sounds more like badly translated Richard Wagner than any rock song).
  • Satan's chainsaw rampage in Boo! is hard to take seriously when he has a jack-o-lantern with a goofy grin on his head..
    • Then the pumpkin came off, revealing the killer to be SATAN. Then a cop yells, "AIEEE! Run! 'Tis the Devil himself!" Say what you will about Jack Chick; he's anything but predictable.
    • Then a teenager gets Satan to leave him alone basically by yelling at him.
    "I hate you! And your lousy birthday!"
    • The otherwise normal Halloween party also randomly involves sacrificing a cat to the devil. You'll notice these inexplicable sacrifices quite a bit in the Jack Chick universe.
  • The proud declaration at the top of all the pages:
    "Publishing cartoon gospel tracts and equipping Christians for evangelism for 40 years."
    • It's technically true, but...
  • "I hate you AND your Jesus!"
  • Chick's rants against the Catholic Church are at once funny and sad. To hear him tell it, an Ancient Conspiracy issuing from the Vatican has been responsible for the following: both World Wars, the Holocaust (in which Catholics were killed), the assassinations of Lincoln and Kennedy (the first Catholic president), the attempted assassination of Pope John Paul II (it was faked, don'chaknow!), the Ku Klux Klan (also anti-Catholic), Islam (Muslims consider the Bible to be mostly accurate, but incomplete), Communism (which is anti-religion), Mormonism (a.k.a. the Latter Day Saints, which blames Catholics for the corruption of The Bible), Jehovah's Witnesses, and more. When his claims proved so virulent and erroneous that Protestant bookstores stopped stocking his comics, he blamed the Catholics for that!
  • "My goodness, Susy, we almost became Muslims! I want Jesus!"
  • This exchange from "Moving On Up!":
    Cathy: Adam and Eve really blew it by disobeying God. And their sin was passed on to us!
    Tyler: What a bummer!
    • And from the same comic: "Then it happened. Tyler finally croaked."
      The Grim Reaper: "Hi there!"
      Tyler: *plop*
    • Chick gets the theory of evolution wrong and essentially equates it with Hitler.
      • This. The emphasis is Chick's.
    Tyler: Now I see why Jesus is banned in our school and why we hate him and his cruel Ten Commandments! Only weak, inferior people like you believe that nonsense!
    • He seems to have gotten part of his information about evolution from Devo.
      "... We lost our tails!"
    • "... You'll be in a lake of fire with millions of others who believe we evolved from monkeys!"
      "In the beginning, we came from goo!"
      "You're dangerous! They don't teach that in school! We came from monkeys, you sicko!"
    • Cathy told you that I died for you, but YOU REJECTED ME!
    • Chick talking to himself.
      Tyler: There are no absolutes.
      Chick's asterisk: Lie! Here's an absolute: the words of God!
    • Tyler's mother explains morals.
    Mother: It's up to you, Tyler. Evolution does away with morals.
    Tyler: Wow, anything goes! What's to keep me from becoming a god?
  • I FEEL SOOOOOO CLEAN!
  • YAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! — screamed by victims of a poison gas attack. This probably violates the laws of biology.
  • Doesn't this information upset you? It should, beloved!
  • One page from Something In Common? includes these gems:
    "I'm a Buddhist and you don't exist!''
    "@!!!** !! There's nothing wrong with adultery or lying!"
    • "But the papa wasn't human... God was the daddy..."
    • Forbidden Fruit not being apples, but some sort of speckled... pickle?
      • The Forbidden Fruit was never stated to be apples in the Bible, so that's one thing he actually got right.
    • "Grrr, kill him."
    • Will sinners go to heaven? NO! THAT'S BAD NEWS! So where do all the sinners go when they die? We're all going to hell. That's NOT cool!
    • The "I'm a Buddhist" line would seem to be based on a very loose interpretation of Buddhism. Buddhists believe that all people are reflections of a single greater being and that individuality is only an illusion. That's quite a bit different from saying "no one but me exists" but hey, Chick isn't exactly known for his understanding of other religions.
  • Tomorrow, a healer's gonna tell us about The Mother Goddess...
  • In Unloved:
    I'm UNWANTED, UNLOVED, DISOWNED... and the doctor says I'm dying of CANCER!"
    • The man's about to jump. A man comes up to him and starts telling him about Jesus. The first man says this:
      "This better be good, or I'm going to jump!"
  • Any panel where a silhouetted angel casually tosses someone into the Lake of Fire.
  • The lizard - supposedly Satan in serpent form - in In the Beginning. Geez, has Chick ever seen an actual serpent?
    • Also, the evangelist looks just like David "Are you serious?" Silverman, an atheist.
    • In the Bible, God supposedly punished the snake by taking away his legs, so that's something else Chick actually got right.
  • Giant Faceless God.
  • "What should I do, Jesus?!"
    "Bang on the door!"
    "Okay!"
  • His "native" tract is particularly fun:
    • God is a gleaming Eldritch Abomination who eternally damns his children. (Scarily, the first part is one of the few parts of The Bible Chick gets right.)
    • The shaved heads and long hair. Long hair on men is a symbol of the American Indian Movement, so we'll give him credit for that; but it still has Unfortunate Implications.
    • Being against having uranium tailings in your water is a sin! Being a teetotaller is a sin!
    • Naturally, if you don't have long hair, then you have a mohawk.
  • In Flight 144, Chick introduces a typically jolly, respectable-looking Christian evangelist missionary couple who have been running a charity in Africa their whole careers AND dutifully proselytizing the entire time. They get on a plane, which crashes, and then they get sent to hell for not believing in Jesus hard enough.
    • Actually that was for not shoving their beliefs down people's throats converting enough people. Yeah, if Jack Chick is right, God is a jerk.
    • From what I understand, the missionaries thought that they would get rewarded for all that nice stuff they did. Salvation by works, in other words. Christians, according to Chick, are supposed to view themselves as utterly worthless and deserving of Hell in order to receive grace.
  • The picture linked to under Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking from the main page, especially the snarling Sikh who's going to stab you with his giant kirpan.
  • "You're going to meet the death angel."
  • Apparently, even mentioning the word "Hell" is no longer acceptable in household conversation, according to "Going Down?"
  • "Oh man, this is awesome! He's killing his own brother!"
    • In the original version it was "Hey man, this is outta sight!" which is arguably funnier.
  • At chick.com, there are randomised "Tract Myths" and other adlike things at the bottom of each tract page. Tract Myth #3, which is about shyness, features a young girl hiding her face. She looks more like she's facepalming at the Chick Tract.
    • Another good one features a man making a ridiculously cartoonish angry face, with the caption "Ever fear you'll get this if you witness? Try Chick Tracts... people love 'em!". So... what makes them different from witnessing?
  • In the comic about guardian angels, the angel leaving after one masturbation too many and the random Satanic guy who tries to stab the hero and gets foiled by his angel. Priceless.
  • The kid hero of "The Little Sneak" getting tragically killed by lightning.
  • The panel in Here, Kitty Kitty that depicts what looks like God casually tossing Jesus down to Earth from a cloud.
  • There is a drawing by Jack Chick showing people fighting over a Chick Tract. He put that out claiming that it's how people react to the tracts. Considering that you can find them for free in a lot of public places (or read them on his website), this is somewhat hard to believe.
  • The tract "Crazy Wolf," which is all about how Native Americans worship Satan, is batshit insane through and through, but the moment when the Indian guy tells Old Mary that he's going to convert to Christianity is particularly funny.
    And he did! And Satan went NUTS!
  • Surprisingly, "Payback" manages to do this to Jezebel's Family-Unfriendly Death, particularly when you see a dog burping after finishing eating her corpse, and the preacher/narrator's description of it.
    When the dogs were finished with Jezebel, not much was left. It was pretty gross.
  • The face (despite its realistic style) and the caption on the second panel of page 12 of the tract "Killer Storm":
    It's raining! Gasp! Noah was right after all!
  • Goliath's face in The Terminator looks straight out of Planet of the Apes.
  • It's small compared to most of these, but in The Missing Day there's DROOL and GULP Unsound Effects. Understanding what is and is not a sound effect seems to be one of the consistent weaknesses of the tracts, though.
  • In Sin City, a gay reverend is preaching to a man in the hospital about how God loves everyone, including homosexuals. A man in the hall overhears this and bursts through the door to stop him. This laughable attempt at a Big Damn Heroes moment would be narmy enough on its own, but then he screams the words, "I'm going to pray right now!" Oh snap!

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alternative title(s): Chick Tracts
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