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Jack Chick aka: Chick Tracts
Sometimes, tragicomedy strikes like a lightning bolt from heaven.
Perhaps Jack Chick's most famous tract is in the process of becoming a live-action movie. "Dark Dungeons: The Movie!" is a Kickstarter funded effort to transform Jack Chick's tract, "Dark Dungeons" into a live-action movie. and the sight of real actors reading the lines in costume and in character has to be seen to be believed. Debate wages on weather the filmmaker believes in the tract or not.
This little gem is from the very first panel of Doom Town:
An especially Narmful moment is when a player receives "the real power" upon reaching level 8. They're taught to cast real spells. For some reason, these spells for players, as opposed to PCs, are not immediately evident in the D&D rulebooks.
The protagonist reacts to her friend's suicide:
"You didn't have to do that!"
The Game Master's screen says Dark Dungeons. The rule books all say Dark Dungeons. Yet, as early as the fourth panel, characters refer to the game as D&D. So, it's Dark and Dungeons now?
"Don't be stupid, Debbie."
"I don't want to be Elfstar anymore. I want to be Debbie."
Go here for a hilarious take on what Moral Guardians think kids do with Dungeons and Dragons books.
More likely the girl (a girl yet, Chick is waaaay out of the loop) must have had issues long beforehand; the kind who'd declare bankruptcy after losing at Monopoly.
Every player in the comic (and the DM) is a girl. Where the Hell is this group, and how do I join? While there are some girls who play D&D, it seems highly unlikely that there's a whole group of girls playing the game, much less so hard-core that they would kill themselves over having a character die
Also, in the comic, it's the Game Master telling what actions the characters do and the players giving the results of the action. In any real roleplaying game, it works the other way around: players give their actions, and Game Masters tell them the results. A Jack-Chick rules RP session should be a weird mix of Railroading and Monty Haul...
"NO, NOT BLACK LEAF! NO, NO! I'M GOING TO DIE!"
"THE INTENSE OCCULT TRAINING THROUGH D&D PREPARED DEBBIE TO ACCEPT THE INVITATION TO ENTER A WITCHES' COVEN." You can't say that with a straight face.
"It's my fault Black Leaf died. I can't face life alone!"
So after the characters realize how eeeeevil Dark Dungeons is, what do they do with their leftover rulebooks/gameboards/dice/etc.? Do they throw them away? Return them to the publisher? Sell them off to a gaming store? No, that would make them normal people. Instead, they all do the good Christian thing and chuck them in a big fat bonfire.
In Who Murdered Clarice?, an abortion doctor is being judged after death for his crime. Who is the judge?
"Surprise, everybody!!! It's the Lord Jesus Christ."
Who he then ate, with some fava beans and a nice chianti. SLURPSLURPSLURP
"YOU DEVIL! ...YOU SOLD HER BABY EARS FOR $75 AND I DAMN YOU TO HELL!"
Bobby in The Last Generation is over-the-top in everything he does, from his Hitler Youth-style uniform to his suggesting that cats and dogs are good sacrifices.
This one is actually a retcon - the original printed version of The Last Generation had cats and dogs as examples of "extinct animals". Chick originally couldn't make up his mind whether to have Atheism or New Age as the enforced state religion - in the reissue, he replaced all science/atheism references with occult-related phrases.
The story about the brothers in Room 310, in which one brother impersonates the other and gets executed for murder, and the other confesses later but avoids punishment because someone paid for the crime, manages to cross the line from Critical Research Failure to funny.
The band in Why No Revival? has two songs titled "Rock of Ages" and "Rock for the Rock". Now, there is a good rock/metal song called "Rock of Ages" out there, but "Rock for the Rock" smacks of Spinal Tap.
Then the pumpkin came off, revealing the killer to be SATAN. Then a cop yells, "AIEEE! Run! 'Tis the Devil himself!" Say what you will about Jack Chick; he's anything but predictable.
Then a teenager gets Satan to leave him alone basically by yelling at him.
"I hate you! And your lousy birthday!"
The otherwise normal Halloween party also randomly involves sacrificing a cat to the devil. You'll notice these inexplicable sacrifices quite a bit in the Jack Chick universe.
The proud declaration at the top of all the pages:
"Publishing cartoon gospel tracts and equipping Christians for evangelism for 40 years."
It's technically true, but...
"I hate you AND your Jesus!"
Chick's rants against the Catholic Church are at once funny and sad. To hear him tell it, an Ancient Conspiracy issuing from the Vatican has been responsible for the following: both WorldWars, the Holocaust (in which Catholics were killed), the assassinations of Lincoln and Kennedy (the first Catholic president), the attempted assassination of Pope John Paul II (it was faked, don'chaknow!), the Ku Klux Klan (also anti-Catholic), Islam (Muslims consider the Bible to be mostly accurate, but incomplete), Communism (which is anti-religion), Mormonism (a.k.a. the Latter Day Saints, which blames Catholics for the corruption of The Bible), Jehovah's Witnesses, and more. When his claims proved so virulent and erroneous that Protestant bookstores stopped stocking his comics, he blamed the Catholics for that!
"My goodness, Susy, we almost became Muslims! I wantJesus!"
Chick gets the theory of evolution wrong and essentially equates it with Hitler.
This. The emphasis is Chick's.
Tyler: Now I see why Jesus is banned in our school and why we hate him and his cruel Ten Commandments! Only weak, inferior people like you believe that nonsense!
He seems to have gotten part of his information about evolution from Devo.
"... We lost our tails!"
"... You'll be in a lake of fire with millions of others who believe we evolved from monkeys!"
"In the beginning, we came from goo!"
"You're dangerous! They don't teach that in school! We came from monkeys, you sicko!"
Cathy told you that I died for you, but YOU REJECTED ME!
Chick talking to himself.
Tyler: There are no absolutes.
Chick's asterisk: Lie! Here's an absolute: the words of God!
Tyler's mother explains morals.
Mother: It's up to you, Tyler. Evolution does away with morals.
Tyler: Wow, anything goes! What's to keep me from becoming a god?
I'm UNWANTED, UNLOVED, DISOWNED... and the doctor says I'm dying of CANCER!"
The man's about to jump. A man comes up to him and starts telling him about Jesus. The first man says this:
"This better be good, or I'm going to jump!"
Any panel where a silhouetted angel casually tosses someone into the Lake of Fire.
The lizard - supposedly Satan in serpent form - in In the Beginning. Geez, has Chick ever seen an actual serpent?
Also, the evangelist looks just like David "Are you serious?" Silverman, an atheist.
In the Bible, God supposedly punished the snake by taking away his legs, so that's something else Chick actually got right.
Giant Faceless God.
"What should I do, Jesus?!"
"Bang on the door!" "Okay!"
His "native" tract is particularly fun:
God is a gleamingEldritch Abomination who eternally damns his children. (Scarily, the first part is one of the few parts of The Bible Chick gets right.)
The shaved heads and long hair. Long hair on men is a symbol of the American Indian Movement, so we'll give him credit for that; but it still has Unfortunate Implications.
Being against having uranium tailings in your water is a sin! Being a teetotaller is a sin!
Naturally, if you don't have long hair, then you have a mohawk.
What's the one where he introduces a typically jolly, respectable-looking Christian evangelist missionary couple who have been running a charity in Africa their whole careers AND dutifully proselytizing the entire time, and they get on a plane, which crashes, and then they get sent to hell for not believing in Jesus hard enough? That honestly took me by surprise.
Actually that was for not shoving their beliefs down people's throats converting enough people. Yeah, if Jack Chick is right, God is a jerk.
That would be the tract called Flight 144.
The picture linked to under Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking from the main page, especially the snarling Sikh who's going to stab you with his giant kirpan.
"You're going to meat the death angel."
Apparently, even mentioning the word "Hell" is no longer acceptable in household conversation, according to "Going Down?"
At chick.com, there are randomised "Tract Myths" and other adlike things at the bottom of each tract page. Tract Myth #3◊, which is about shyness, features a young girl hiding her face. She looks more like she's facepalming at the Chick Tract.
Another good one◊ features a man making a ridiculously cartoonish angry face, with the caption "Ever fear you'll get this if you witness? Try Chick Tracts... people love 'em!". So... what makes them different from witnessing?
In the comic about guardian angels, the angel leaving after one masturbation too many and the random Satanic guy who tries to stab the hero and gets foiled by his angel. Priceless.
The kid hero of "The Little Sneak" getting tragically hit by lightning◊.
The panel in Here, Kitty Kitty that depicts what looks like God casually tossing Jesus down to Earth from a cloud.
Ever see the drawing with the people fighting each other over a Chick Tract? He put that out claiming that it's how people react to the things. Considering that you can find them for free in a lot of public places (or read them on his website), I find that hard to believe.
The tract "Crazy Wolf," which is all about how Native Americans worship Satan, is batshit insane through and through, but the moment when the Indian guy tells Old Mary that he's going to convert to Christianity is particularly funny.
