NOT to be confused with Marcia
Cross from Melrose Place
and Desperate Housewives
. Though that would be quite interesting...
Maria Cross is a solo Visual Kei
singer allegedly of the Oshare Kei style
, known best for street performances in Tokyo that are closer to the extremes of noise music, grindcore, and noisegrind. Is zhe a Stealth Parody
of Visual Kei
or just Giftedly Bad
? No one really knows, although zhe has attained legendary status
in some corners of Visual Kei
for being either or both. That said, Maria Cross is something that, for the true visual kei fan, cannot be described, but simply must be experienced.
In this experience, one may find some form of absolute zen understanding
... or simply wonder why the Dreadful Musician
page cannot have just one
real life example.You Have Been Warned
- Ambiguous Gender: No one knows. Zhe has referred to zirself as male and as female, as have outside sources, though zhe was born male. The nongendered pronouns are probably best, because, again, no one really knows.
- Brown Note: It is likely zhe has created a few of these.
- Butt Monkey: Has become a near memetic symbol of failure at Visual Kei, for a variety of reasons ranging from zis child molestation arrest to zis singing style by those who just see it as straight up bad music rather than Stealth Parody, to zis very derivative take on Oshare Kei and yet inability to match anything but the appearance of it. It's often said that zhe would have made a workable (and successful) Eroguro or metal singer with zis screaming capacity (zis Harsh Vocals can easily rival Kiyoharu, Kyo, Ume and even Seth Putnam, and zis cleans are far better than Dynamite Tommy's...), or if zhe marketed/presented as a noise artist like Merzbow or Melt Banana, that would have been a far better genre.
- Careful With That Axe: EVERYTHING ZHE SINGS.
- Death Metal/Grindcore: Straight-up deathgrind and noisegrind, genres that any sane Oshare kei musician would never, ever try.
- Dye Hard: Just look at the image, again.
- Follow the Leader: Looks like every other Oshare Kei artist, ever.
- In the one actual Oshare work zhe has, this PV, the music is the most bland, derivative Oshare ever, right down to the sound effects. It is possibly Stealth Parody... we hope.
- Giftedly Bad: Maybe. This is highly debatable.
- Impossible Hair Color
- Indecipherable Lyrics: If you can actually tell what zhe's saying in any song other than in the Oshare PV, congratulations! You win a prize... to take back with you to the insane asylum.
- Intercourse with You: Zhe apparently likes writing the word "sex" in zis lyrics. Over and over again.
- Lolicon/Shotacon: Arrested for and convicted for child molestation, although if zhe wasn't lying about zis age, the incident involved an older teen when zhe was in zis early 20s, so whether the incident was actually indicative of true pedophilia is debatable.
- Metal Scream: ...except from a non-metal vocalist. And at random nonsensical points.
- Mind Screw: What this possibly is to Visual Kei.
- Mohs Scale of Rock and Metal Hardness: Beyond 11. "Phyllis" and "Hoshi no Suna", while at Levels 7 and 9, respectively, are just as mutable as zis other works.
- Neoclassical Punk Zydeco Rockabilly: The best label for whatever zis musical style is.
- No Indoor Voice: Possibly the defining characteristic of his music.
- Otaku: Very possible. If articles about him on various sites are to be believed, zhe apparently likes anime music and is good friends with Shoko Nakagawa. Zhe apparently likes animesque cute girls. And porn.
- Piss Take Rap: Occasionally...
- Postmodernism: Has possibly brought the world's first Dadaist postmodern take on Visual Kei... unless zhe really is just that bad.
- Refuge in Audacity
- Screams Like a Little Girl: One of zis most-used vocal techniques.
- Secret Identity: With the connections and similar that Maria has, there's rumors that zhe is actually an active professional visual kei artist (though either as a non-vocalist or sticking to a more traditional style) or a seiyuu, and that the entire Street Musician thing is an act to parody something.
- Soprano and Gravel: Maria tries. Instead it's more like Gravel and Meatgrinder. Zhe has his soprano moments, though zhe ends up sounding like a bad clone of Dir En Grey vocalist Kyo.
- Stealth Parody: VERY possible. The Strictly Formula PV, the failure at everything related to the style zhe claims to represent, the most execrably written lyrics possible... in fact, pretty much the only ways to interpret Maria Cross is as postmodern Stealth Parody of Visual Kei, or as, at the very best, downright atrocious.
- Street Musician: This is Maria's primary way of performing. With no permits and no controls on amplified sound etc, so zhe tends to get in a lot of trouble with the police.
- Stylistic Suck: If it is a parody.
- Three Chords and the Truth: Zis recording and performance setups are pretty...low-fi at best, so zis singing may actually be forgivable due to that.
- Visual Kei
- What Could Have Been: Had zhe taken on another look than "cute Oshare-kei," and had zhe also worked in some way to fuse Visual Kei with grindcore or noise, and, you know, not screwed a kid, zhe possibly would have been as famous as Boris or Merzbow or MeltBanana for actual artistic work, rather than famous for being a public nuisance, a likely parody of genre and style, being in gay porn, and screwing a kid.
- Word Salad Lyrics: When they're written down or semi-comprehensible at all, they are often this.
- Widget Musician: Best described as "Seth Putnam meets Phil Anselmo meets Tastes Like Diabetes meets Japan."