James Bond as you really, really don't want to see him!
"
Beyond 1984, Beyond 2001, Beyond Love, Beyond Death"
Get ready for Zardoz
, the only movie that manages to be both unbearably tedious and completely fucking insane all at the same time!
It is the year 2293 AD. A post-apocalyptic Earth is inhabited mostly by the "Brutals", simple soil-tilling serf types, who are in turn overseen by Exterminators (no, not
Daleks), the chosen warrior class. The Exterminators worship the god Zardoz, a huge, flying, hollow stone head that dispenses weaponry and ammunition by the truckload. Zardoz teaches:
"The gun is good. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals... Go forth and kill!"
At this point, the movie starts making a lot
less sense.
Zardoz is neither a mindless sci-fi action movie nor a serious SF-as-ideas film
a la Tarkovsky or Kubrick. It's... hard to describe, on account of it really doesn't make a lot of sense. Really. Even
writer-director John Boorman, on the DVD commentary, openly admits at several points that he has no clue what's happening.
Still, some sort of plot description might help. One day, an Exterminator named Zed (a clearly embarrassed, pony-tailed
Sean Connery wearing a red diaper) gets swept up into the hollow stone head and finds himself a prisoner... or test subject... or whatever... of the Eternals, an elite class who long ago discovered the secret to immortality and removed themselves from all that icky penis-having to the rarified heights. There to... er... stand around and dress in pastels a lot.
Not surprisingly, by the time Connery shows up, life is so meaningless that a new face, regardless of it belonging to a grunting guy in a nappy, is hailed as manna from heaven. Some, however, see him as a dangerous threat to their higher-being-ness. As it turns out, a lot of the Eternal scientists are female (including head honcho Charlotte Rampling) and he does have that
evil penis, if the drift is clear.
So they argue all this for awhile. Then others start clamouring for Connery to kill them and end this awful tedium. After what seems like hours of more archly incoherent arguing, chasing, and crystal-gazing, the viewer knows just how they feel. The part where Connery dons a wedding dress may actually induce a need for medication.
So... he finally does kill them.They're ecstatic. And so is the audience, because that means the damn film must surely be...oh, wait, there's an epilogue showing Connery and Rampling having a kid, growing old, and dying! See, it's all come full circle! Whatever it was!
This movie is the result of Boorman trying to adapt
The Lord Of The Rings. While that project fell through, it apparently gave him enough ideas to make
Zardoz. Basically, a trippy dystopian fantasy that cribs a few more ideas from other sources (Huxley's Savage, Wells' Eloi and Morlocks, Moorcock's Jherek Carnelian), adds plenty of Philosophy 101 gobbledygook about Life and Death, some semi-naked babes, a bucket full of psychotropics, more topless women, random pretentious symbolism, did we mention the topless women, and hey presto! You end up with a movie like no other before or since. It's considered more 70's than
That 70's Show.
Zardoz has examples of:
- After The End: Apparently this takes place after a Nuclear War, though it's hard to believe nukes somehow had a hand in making this particular post-nuclear civilization.
- Body Horror: In an (extremely) rare case of an effectively presented idea, the immortals punish the criminal by speed-aging the offender. The more you resist, the closer you get to endless senility... and, um, dressing in tuxedos. Sorry, don't ask, no clue on that one.
- The Cameo: Boorman appears as one of the Brutals that gets shot in the head.
- Cargo Cult
- Catch Phrase: The penis is evil.
- Crossdresser : The Renagades need to get Zed away from rioting Eternals that want to kill him....so they dress him up in a wedding dress. It is exactly as awesome as you think Sean Connery in a wedding dress would be.
- Crystal Spires And Togas: Subverted, in that the film presets this as a Dystopia, too.
- Cult Classic
- Dystopia
- Domed Hometown
- Ending Fatigue: It... just... doesn't... stop.
- Everything's Better On Drugs
- Executive Meddling: The movie studio forced Boorman to add a prologue to make the movie make more sense. Sadly, the guy doing the prologue looks like he's wearing a pair of boxers on his head and has facial hair drawn on with a marker. Amazingly, his little 4th wall breaking chat with the audience fails to make things any clearer. Especially the part where he promises us 'entertainment and amusement.'
- FanDisservice: Sean Connery's costume. Dear GOD, Sean Connery's costume.
- Fan Service: In that very special 70's but-nudity-is-just-natural sort of way.
- Fantastic Aesop: No, 'the penis is evil' does not count.
- Hall Of Mirrors: The Tabernacle.
- Hey It's That Voice!: May is played by Sara Kestelman, who voiced Kreia in Knights Of The Old Republic, one of the most awesome Star Wars characters ever.
- In A World
- Jerkass: Friend
- Memetic Mutation: Apparently something about the penis being evil or something.
- Mind Rape: This happens to both Zed and, of course, to the viewer.
- Mind Screw: The whole movie, from beginning to end.
- Narm: A lot of the movie, but probably the height is when the Eternals sentence Friend to becoming old. "Renegade....RENEGADE..."
- Nightmare Fuel: Sean Connery in a wedding dress.
- Old Shame: Connery took this role largely to avoid being typecast as James Bond. He got more than he bargained for.
- Planet Of Hats
- Revolvers Are Just Better: As noted, Zardoz is very big on this, to the extent that his version of 'showering blessings' involves automatic rifles.
- Science Fiction
- Sex Is Evil: Specifically, the penis is evil.
- Shout Out: By far the WEIRDEST shout out to The Wonderful Wizard Of Oz ever.
- Slap Slap Kiss: More or less the film's entire attitude to romance.
- Squick
- Straw Feminist: The future women (and possibly men) who speak constantly about how horrible and violent sex was, but at the same time, obviously want to get into Connery's
pants nappy. Not to mention that the penis is evil.
- This Is Your Premise On Drugs
- Trickster: Arthur Frayn
- True Art Is Incomprehensible: Zardoz is like a trainwreck unfolding before your eyes.
- Turned Against Their Masters
- Twist Ending: Zardoz is... The WiZard of Oz. Oh, how I wish I was making this up.
- What Do You Mean Its Not Symbolic: It's not that it's lacking in symbols, no sir. It's just in dire need of a coherent plot to make the symbols to make any sense.
- What Do You Mean It Wasnt Made On Drugs: Well... it was. The director has said as such.
- Who Wants To Live Forever: The Eternals long ago succumbed to ennui.
- Xanatos Gambit: all events in the movie occurred exactly as Zardoz had wanted them to.
By the way, did we mention that
the penis is evil?
