This Product Will Change Your Life
"Before this product, I was a fat, lazy, stupid, unwashed schlub who sat on his couch all day eating potato chips and playing Xbox. Now, I'm still a fat, lazy, stupid, unwashed schlub who sits on his couch all day eating potato chips and playing Xbox... but with a cool new hat! Thankyou, This Product*!"
The universal claim of every lifestyle product advertised on late night television is that using it will change your life. Be it cosmetics, diet aids, exercise equipment, financial seminars, etc. your life will be miraculously transformed with the acquisition of the product. The testimonials in these commercials tend to feature crying women or enthusiastic men extolling the life changing features of the product.
So call now! Operators Are Standing By
* Troper General's warning
: Results Not Typical
. This Product may cause nausea, vomiting, ulcers, diarrhoea, repetition, internal haemorrhaging, fever, fluid in mouth, fluid in lungs, fluid in bones, fluid in fluids, fluid... in your pants
, giant festering boils, pestilence, famine, war, death, conquest by religion, repetition, repetitiveness, exploding eyeball, painful death, abnormally fast bone growth, singing venereal worms, slow death
, mild killing sprees,
improbably vast breasts, malignant stomach, spontaneous dismemberment, licky end, false sheep pregnancy, megalomaniacal spleen, psychotic uvula, repetition, explosive exploding explosions
, hallucinations of bats if you're lucky, achy-breaky heart, knock-knees, pigeon toes, bow legs, implosion to black hole and the destruction of the entire fabric of reality, horrible death, repetition, and repetition
. Not for indoor or outdoor use. Do not operate or come within fifteen miles of heavy machinery. Keep out of reach of children under the age of 35. Do not taunt the This Product
. Offer Void In Nebraska
. May contain traces of nuts. Not Kosher for Passover. Reg. Penna. Dept. Agr. Walrus.