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The Kronicals Of Rebecca Swansin
Rebecca Swansin and her Anti-Rape Katana.

"But it hd no efect becuz outsied the gunfite wuz stil going on and insied we were so no sound bullits becuz gun cant sownd"

Kronicals of Rebecca Swansin is a Twilight badfic by TwilightRova. It and its sequel, of which only the first chapter has been posted, has been largely ignored since their creation in 2010. However, ever since Serkadios started snarking it, the fic has gained a following in the Twilight Sucks snarking community (who are rather famous for creating numerous headcanons of badfics, even going so far as to create an expanded universe for a certain fanfic).

The fic is divided up into three story arcs so far.
  • Arc I (Chapters 1 - 11) introduces the character of Rebeeca Swansin (whose friends call her Moon), Bella Swan's cousin, who recently moved in with Bella and her dad in Forks. Rebecca is an "enviyournmentalist" who... Doesn't really do all that much besides hate on Bella and talk to Edowird. The other characters, however...
  • Arc II (Chapters 12 - 22) picks up dealing with the next week of life at Fourks High following Rebecca's murder of her uncle, Charlie. The school is invaded by riot police and quarantined for unknown reasons. Meanwhile, the once-human Angela tries to claim Bella's life.
  • Arc III (Chapters 23 and on) is so far dealing with the Volture coming to Fourks. The likes of Alec, Jane and Original Character Claritee Etude Simphonia have joined Rebecca's ever-growing posse.

Honestly, this fic is a lot better than you'd think, if you're looking for trollfic lulz. It also provides quite a few opportunities for fun headcanons.

The Kronicals of Rebecca Swansin contains examples of:

  • Action Girl: Alice as of chapter 4.
    • Rosalie in chapter 14
    • Angela is built up to be this.
  • All Men Are Rapists: Rebecca's attitude, judging by the locker room incident.
  • Alpha Bitch: Rebecca.
  • Attention Whore: Rebecca. At one point, she literally started to cry to get Edward's attention, just because she felt that she wasn't being noticed enough.
  • Author Filibuster: Twilight Rova goes into these from time to time, covering topics such as Yaoi, pre-marital sex, and transexuality.
  • Back-to-Back Badasses: Rebecca and Tanishashanqua in Arc III's fight against Angela.
  • Bad Ass: Rosalie, full stop.
  • Berserk Button: Rebecca has so many of these that it's hard to count. Simply the thought of losing Edward sends her into a manic state of frenzy.
  • Big Bad: It seems that the series has finally decided on Angela being this.
    • Bigger Bad: With Esme being the actual mastermind behind everything.
  • Big Damn Heroes: Tanishashanqua and Alice in chapter 16, in the most awesome way possible.
    Tanishashanqua: "yo homie wats up" tanishashanqua sed.
    IT WAS ALICIA AND TANISHASHANKWA DEY WEER HEER TO RESCU ME!
  • Big Heroic Run: It's implied that Rebecca does one of these as she runs from the clearing back to Forks High.
  • Black Best Friend: Tanishashanqua to Bella, Rebecca, and Alice.
  • Breaking the Fourth Wall: There was one memorable instance of this by Rebecca.
    if it wuznt in publki an edoweird wuznt hear i wuld hav statred 2 mastorbeet fuoriusly. but i cant do dat cuz im a gurl so wtf u tinking reador.
  • Break the Cutie: Bella Swan. Raped, mistreated by her cousin, her best human friend in canon turned into a vampire, who then killed all her other friends (except, oddly enough, for Mike), shot, and gets her truck vandalized repeatedly by Rebecca, who then brutally murders her father and forces her to live in a shed, where she's forced into prostitution in the sequel.
  • Butt Monkey: Bella, of so much. See Break the Cutie above.
  • Chase Fight: The vast majority of chapter 28's action occurs via one of these.
  • Cluster F-Bomb: Rebecca is very fond of these.
    ''"WHA TDA FIUCK R U FUICKORZ LOOKING AT U MOTHAFUCKIERS!?!?!?!" i asdek.
  • Curb-Stomp Battle: Rebecca's fight against the third Vampire she encounters in chapter 7; she kills him by throwing a ROCK at his head.
    • Rebecca vs. Charlie. Poor, poor Charlie.
  • Dark Action Girl: Rebecca, especially after she kills Charlie.
  • Disproportionate Retribution: Rebecca, on so many occaisions. Refer to the Protagonist-Centered Morality entry below.
  • Everyone Is Armed: Every. Single. Person.
  • Five-Man Band: One seems to be forming by the end of Part II. There are two versions of this:
  • Genre Savvy: Rebecca frequently fluctuates between being this and utterly imbecilic, to the point where its quite jarring.
  • Girl with Psycho Weapon: Rebecca and her "anti-rape knife". Also:
  • Groin Attack: Rebecca's use of an "anti-rape knife" might or might not have resulted in this.
  • Guns Akimbo: Rosalie becomes this in chapter 14 when she starts a firefight in the school against a few cops and begins to take on legions of SWAT team members as the school gets invaded.
  • Gun Fu: It feels like absolutely every single character in this story is trained in professional firearm usage.
    • Perhaps even more ludicrous is just how every single character has a gun on them at all times, even if it makes no sense for them to have one. In her first appearance, even Clarity Etude Simphonia takes out a gun, despite her having vampire powers that would eliminate any need for keeping a gun on hand for self-protection.
  • Hooker with a Heart of Gold: Bella after she's forced into prostitution.
  • Hormone-Addled Teenager: Rebecca fits the bill for this. Since the entire story is told from her perspective, we're left without knowledge of if the others actually are like her at all.
  • Informed Judaism: Rebecca. Possibly.
  • Innocent Bystander: Mike Newton, Bella's only human friend to survive Angela's attacks, is gunned down by Alice in chapter 3
  • Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy: A notable aversion of this trope. Almost any deliberate shot that a character makes results in a hit.
  • Improbable Aiming Skills: Rebecca in chapter 7. She kills a vampire from across a clearing with nothing but a rock.
  • Katanas Are Just Better: Vampire!Angela certainly seems to think so.
    • After chapter 16, Rebecca begins to use one in combat as well.
  • Karma Houdini: Rebecca, considering all she's done throughout the series and especially for what she does to Charlie.
  • MacGuffin: The "vyle" which Rebecca must take to the Principal's office towards the end of chapter 19.
  • Made of Iron: Bella can be shot fourteen times in a row, survive it, and be out of the hospital in a matter of hours.
    • Maybe not as strong of an example, but in the final showdown, Rebecca takes seven shots to her arm while fighting Charlie and doesn't even flinch. She never mentions going to the hospital afterwards either, implying that she just walked around for the rest of the day with those injuries without ever getting them checked.
  • Oh My Gods!
    Rebecca: Juda fuocking dammit
    Tanishashanqua: "god (judah) gurl what is it"
  • Original Character: We actually have quite a few. The star of the series, Rebecca, is Bella Swan's Cousin. Then there's Mr. Chocolove and his daughter, the ever-popular Tanishashanqua.
    • In Arc III we're introduced to Clarity Etude Simphonia, who's only characterization is that she's Rebecca's old friend.
  • Out of Character: Oddly averted with Edward and Jacob, as an argument can be made that they retain their devotion from the original series. However, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Angela, and Charlie are all massively out of character.
  • Product Placement: Oddly enough, Pop Tarts.
  • Protagonist-Centered Morality / Double Standard: For instance, Rebecca follows a hot guy in the boys' locker room, accuses him of being a pervert for "flashing her" — while he had actually not even noticed her — and uses her anti-rape knife against him, then when a whole bunch of guys get out of the shower to see what the commotion is about, she accuses them of attempting to rape her.
  • Purple Prose: We have several examples, but this one from chapter 10 fits the bill the most:
    ...as i sed it my raben hare wuz floing in da wind and da streekz were swahing in frunt of my faece an den a singol teer drop fel frum my eyes 2 sigify my gowing saddnes...
  • Rape Is The New Dead Parents: Not actually used on Rebecca herself, but she does accuse others of trying to (see above) and carries an anti-rape knife. Bella is the one who is actually raped, and is treated poorly after this. Rebecca even implies her cousin "became a bitch" after her rape.
  • Rouge Angles of Satin: YES. As expected of a My Immortal copycat. Notably, "Biology Class" is almost always spelled with some sort of "lol" in the middle, leading to a Running Gag of the class being taught with Lol Cats.
  • Stepford Smiler: Rebecca implies that Esme is a Type C.
  • Straight Gay: As of chapter 19, Emmet.
  • Spotlight-Stealing Squad: Rebecca comes across as this. The backstory is actually incredibly entertaining, but you have to wade through so much of Rebecca's whining to get to it.
  • Thong of Shielding: Angela wears one of these in chapter 16.
  • Walking Shirtless Scene: Samiel and Jacob are prime examples of this.
  • What the Hell, Hero?: Rebecca receives one in Chapter 15 from Bella, who almost convinces Edward to stop Rebecca's tyranny.
  • Why Don't You Just Shoot Him??: Subverted in chapter 21, wherein Rebecca shoots the principal of her school with shotgun before he even has a chance to attack them.
  • Wolverine Claws: Hilariously, Jasper/Jasmine and Edward apparently have the ability to use these.
  • Woman Scorned: Rebecca becomes this at the drop of a hat.
  • Yaoi Fangirl: Why Rosalie didn't mind Emmet's relationship with Seth.
  • Ye Olde Butchered English: After a few chapters, Edward starts talking like this.
Bella Swan Pregnant And FuriousFanFic/LiteratureThe Wedding Crashers
Kröd Mändoon and the Flaming Sword of FireWorkPagesInMain/J to LThe Krypton Factor

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