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Speed Sex
aka: Premature Ejaculation
So much for that question.

"I used to call you the Minuteman. Now I long for those days."
Peggy Bundy, Married... with Children

One of the standards of sexual prowess for a guy, at least in fiction, is how long sex with him can be expected to last. Thus, a male character's real or alleged inability to maintain a Raging Stiffie long enough for it to provide much pleasure for his partner is a frequent subject for insults, gossip, or Self-Deprecating Humor. Sometimes it has implications of selfishness (if the guy is only interested in his own orgasm and assumes sex is over once it's happened) or inexperience/ineptitude (premature ejaculation also features often here). Men might Think Unsexy Thoughts to avoid this.

While this can be a problem for men in Real Life, it tends to be exaggerated in fiction, mostly for purpose of comedy. You may also find numerous references to "seven minutes" out there in tropeland. Rest assured; seven minutes is actually the median time for an act of human sexual congress. But that doesn't mean a session has to be seven minutes!

Compare The Loins Sleep Tonight, for when he can't get it up in the first place. If the couple decides to do something else sexual instead, check Technical Virgin. A man ejaculating before he can even get his clothes off is Jizzed in My Pants.


Examples:

    open/close all folders 

    Anime and Manga 
  • Funny example in Eden: It's an Endless World!. For his first time, Helena makes Elijah finish in 9 seconds. She timed it with a stopwatch.

    Comic Books 
  • In Watchmen, Hollis Mason recalls a joke about the 1940s "masked avenger" team to which he once belonged, namely that they were called the Minutemen because of their bedroom performance.
  • In one The Defenders arc, The Hulk was abducted by Dark Dimension Lord Umar for her bedroom entertainment. Not even he could keep up with her for more than about six minutes. (She wasn't too discouraged, apparently, because she abducted him again in a post-World War Hulk story when he was in full Worldbreaker mode — this time he was equal to the challenge).

    Film 

    Literature 
  • In Stephen King's It, Beverly's friend, Kay McCall (a feminist writer) says this about her ex-husband: "Two pumps a tickle and a squirt, that was ole Sammy's motto. The only time he could keep it up for longer than seventy seconds was when he was pulling off in the tub."
  • The first time that John Kelly and Pamela Madden make love in Without Remorse, Kelly isn't able to last very long due to the fact he hasn't gotten laid in a while. Pamela, being the Hooker with a Heart of Gold, doesn't mind and the second time he does much better.
  • The first time we read of Mack Bolan having sex in the first The Executioner book, this happens, but his partner, another Hooker with a Heart of Gold, also doesn't mind commenting that "You guys always come back full of TNT or something" and gives him another opportunity to do better.

    Live Action TV 
  • The episode of The West Wing where Abbey tells Bartlet his health is good enough to have sex again for the first time since he was shot.
    Abbey: We'll coordinate our schedules and find a free hour.
    Bartlet: I don't think it's gonna take more than a couple minutes, but I appreciate your confidence.
  • In an episode of Have I Got News for You they're talking about good songs to have sex to (because of Alan Clark's sex scandal) and Paul Merton says his would have to be the Minute Waltz.
  • Home Improvement had a similar Minute Waltz joke.
  • In the episode of Friends that flashes back to the night Monica and Chandler hooked up, we see that once they agree to have sex, Chandler undressed really quickly. Monica remarks on this and Chandler replies, "It bodes well for me that speed impresses you."
  • Al Bundy from Married... with Children is constantly mocked for his "5 second sex". This was taken Up to Eleven after Al had to abstain from sex for a month due to a mix-up at the hospital giving him a circumcision - it lasts two seconds, and the impact is enough to shake the house.
    • And averted in the episode "Til Death Do Us Part" where Al, tired of being mocked for this trope, manages to get his stamina to a point where he and Peg have sex for two full days.
  • In the That '70s Show episode "The Velvet Rope", Jackie and Kelso are shown kissing and laying down on her bed. The camera then shifts to a 1970s-style digital clock as it ticks away... two minutes.
  • Blackadder had several examples, such as a "time passes" fade to the post-sex cigarette with a title card reading "Two Minutes Later."
  • The Golden Girls: This and being an incurable skirt-chaser are the defining traits of Dorothy's ex-husband, Stan. In fact, Stan's lack of stamina is mentioned more than his infidelity by Dorothy, specifically the night that resulted in her Shotgun Wedding was retold as "It took twelve seconds. I wasn't sure we did anything until nine months later when the baby came."
    • The crowner was in an episode where Blanche starts dating Stan. Blanche insists nothing is happening, but Dorothy doesn't believe her. When they're out very late one night, Dorothy asks what they could be doing.
    Sophia: You know what they're doing.
    Dorothy: I also know Stan, we were married for 38 years. And if you add up all the time we did what they're doing right now, Blanche still should have been home 15 minutes ago.
  • In an episode of Frasier that had a running gag of characters making Innocent Innuendo and being overheard and misunderstood, Niles walks in just in time to completely misinterpret Roz lamenting how an elderly friend in a retirement home died, and so gives a suspiciously indignant reaction...
    Roz: One minute he's lying in bed, smiling and happy, and ten seconds later it's over.
    Niles: Oh for heaven's sake, it happens to every man a couple of times in his life! Why can't you women take it as a compliment?
  • In Misfits, Nathan ejaculates within seconds after a scene of intense foreplay involving kissing, removal of clothes and intimate touching. Ruth laughs - not at Nathan's sexual mistake, but at the face he pulls during orgasm. Thankfully, she lets him have another go, but unfortunately turns into an 82 year old woman (her true form) as she orgasms. The other characters find out and mock him, particularly as it becomes apparent he went down on her.
  • The New Statesman (the tv series, not the newspaper) has a Running Gag that, in addition to his Teeny Weenie, sex with Alan lasts 30 seconds: in one episode he and his wife use sex as an egg timer. Strangely, his frequent talk of his sexual prowess often includes references to his lack of stamina, and he seems to consider it a point of pride that he's "getting quicker". But then, expecting Alan B'Stard to be a considerate sexual partner...
  • The Secret Life of the American Teenager: According to Amy, her first time with Ricky was "like two seconds". He must have just been having an off night, since he's shown to be quite the ladies' man with everyone else and when he and Amy get together officially, they have great sex.
  • House: The episode "Nine to Five" shows Cuddy and her boyfriend having (at his insistence) sex for anywhere from one to a whopping two minutes.
  • Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Faith can't resist getting in a snarky line upon meeting Xander's new girlfriend. (Xander was a virgin when Faith slept with him, so was rather inexperienced).
    Anya: We were going to light a bunch of candles and have sex near them.
    Faith: Well, we certainly don't want to cut into that seven minutes.

    Music 
  • Flight of the Conchords' song Business Time discusses this.
    Making love
    Making love for
    Making love for two
    Making love for two minutes
    (When it's with me, you only need two minutes, 'cause I'm so intense)
  • According to his autobiography, Violent J is a self-described "minute-man". He explains that this is because he gets way too excited during the first round of sex with a new groupie, but that the second time around he averts this trope decently enough after getting "used" to her. He also says that the reason he put this embarrassing bit of info in his autobiography, which might or might not be mostly fictional, is because he's "sure a bunch of the women [he's] slept with have already posted it on several 'celebrity slam sites' anyway".
  • Lily Allen's "It's Not Fair" is about resenting her (otherwise very decent) boyfriend for being crap in bed:
    I look into your eyes, I want to get to know you
    But then you make this noise, and it's apparently all over
  • Swedish rock singer Magnus Uggla's "4 sekunder" ("4 Seconds") is about a guy with this problem.
  • Lonely Island/Akon's "I Just Had Sex". "Best thirty seconds of my life!"
  • The Macc Lads had a song called "Two Stroke Eddie" which is pretty self explanatory. "He just made a mess / All over me dress..."
  • Inverted in the infamous "Make It Last All Night", featured in For Your Eyes Only.

    Stand Up Comedy 
  • One of Dave Chappelle's old stand-up jokes was that he was a "speed fucker" and that he had gotten his best time down to a minute twenty.
  • The joke about Superman being faster than a speeding bullet, which was used in a MAD magazine satire of Superman II.
  • Jack Whitehall managed to work this into a joke: "When it comes to sex, I'm very British: two minutes in the dark, then roll over, curl up into the foetal position and cry for a few minutes."

    Theatre 
  • Near the beginning of Next To Normal, Dan teasingly complains to his wife Diana that he's going to be late for work because they were having sex. Her sarcastic reply goes largely unheard.
    Diana: That'll teach you to take a whole seven minutes.

    Web Comics 

     Web Original 
  • Zero Punctuation - When Yahtzee isn't making fun of everyone else (Your Mom in particular) or pointing out how not gay he is, he's joking about his atrocious sex life.
    [On Modern Warfare] The single-player mode is short as fuck, and let me tell you, when I'm around fucks are legendarily short. [Two pairs of eyes in darkness with the speech "Sorry".]

    Western Animation 
  • The Simpsons
    • "And Maggie Makes Three", has a joke about this and Maggie's conception. Homer and Marge are kissing in bed; cut to a "Seconds Later" title card, and a mini-Homer sperm joins an egg saying "Woo hoo!".
    • In the episode "Life on the Fast Lane", after Marge & Homer have resolved their Marriage Problem of the Week, Marge surprises Homer at work:
      Homer: Marge! What a lovely surprise! You're here to see me, right?
      Marge: Of course! (cuddles and kisses him on the cheek)
      (Homer picks her up and carries her past his cheering co-workers ('Way to go Homer, Way to Go!'))
      Worker: Hey, what will I tell the boss?
      Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
    • In a "Treehouse of Horror" episode, Marge gets abducted by Kang and Kodos to be impregnated. After selecting The Alley Behind a Porno Theater from a list of "common human spawning locations:"
      Kang: Look behind you! (Marge looks, Kang fires a green ray at her) Insemination complete!
      Marge: Is that it?
      Kang: What are you implying?
      Marge: Nothing... Nothing...
      Kang: (checks imaginary watch) Oh, look at the time, I've got to go. You're a super girl, though. Call you sometime! (Dumps Marge out of the spaceship)
    • In "22 Short Films About Springfield," Apu intentionally provokes this: It's over in two seconds, as he's in a hurry.
  • Family Guy
    • In the episode "PTV", the FCC starts censoring real life. When Lois and Peter are about to have sex, a guy from the FCC appears:
      FCC man: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Those actions are highly inappropriate.
      Lois: What? Wait a minute. We're not allowed to have sex?
      FCC man: Oh, you can have sex, just no moaning, no tongue-kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever.
      [Beat]
      Lois: Well, this isn't very romantic. I mean, how are we supposed to...
      Peter: I'm done. 'Night, Lois. (falls asleep on top of her)
    • In the movie, Stewie arranges his loser future self, Stu to lose his virginity to his co-worker, Fran, which turns out badly:
      Stu: I'm sorry. That's, um... That's never happened to me before.
      Fran: Which part? The eight seconds of sex, or the 40 minutes of crying?
    • The episode Blind Ambition had a scene where we could hear Peter and Lois having sex with the sound of all the coins Peter has ingested jangling around inside him, which lasts about ten seconds.
    • In a cutaway sequence, Peter is surprised to find Superman playing cards in hell. Superman replies that he killed a hooker after she made the well-worn "faster than a speeding bullet" crack.
  • Joked about in Justice League, much like the above old joke about Superman.


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alternative title(s): Premature Ejaculation
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