Nice try, but bikes can't climb trees!
You start practicing in your head, "What seems to be the problem officer? What seems to be the problem?" Then you roll down your window, "GAHBUH DOO BABLEM OBBISUH?!"
An intoxicated character is interacting with a police officer, generally as a result of a traffic stop. They are clearly impaired, but are trying to act as if they aren't. Expect an Alcohol Hic or two.
Almost always leads to Hypocritical Humor, Implausible Deniability, Blatant Lies, and/or I Resemble That Remark! Needless to say, often times it is Truth in Television. (As such, it can evoke reactions of "Dude, Not Funny!", as Drunk Driving is a pretty serious problem in real life.)
See Spoonerism for the swapping of syllables without necessarily being drunk.
Examples:
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Advertising
- Seen in PSAs about not driving drunk. All of the people pulled aside have their cars (literally) filled with some kind of alcoholic drink (beer, red wine, or a martini complete with olives) and otherwise couldn't be more obvious about being intoxicated. One such PSA has a drunk motorcyclist, with his helmet full of booze. Don't ask. This was to symbolize that it was impossible for them to hide that they were drunk to a trained cop with a breathalyzer.
Anime And Manga
- England gets drunk in Hetalia: Axis Powers: "You don't know me! I'm the United bloody Kingdom and I can hild my loquer better than you any day!"
Film
- In The Man with Two Brains, Dr. Hfuhruhurr is stopped by a traffic cop while attending a conference in Austria; when asked if he has been drinking, he replies "No, I dron't dink... don't drink".
- Gordon Bombay gets caught drinking and driving and sets off the plot of The Mighty Ducks. The cop who pulled him over for erratic driving, gets tipped off when Bombay, after he gets him to turn down his car stereo, admits that it was "a 'widdle' noisy".
- In North By Northwest, Roger Thornhill is force-fed a quart of bourbon and put behind the wheel of a car on a cliffside road to kill himself. He manages to escape his foes, but gets caught by the police. At the station, Roger absolutely admits that he's drunk, but can't get them to believe the circumstances under which he got drunk.
- In Super Troopers, some state troopers pull over some kids. The kids had to get rid of the drugs, so one of them eats all their weed before they throw out what was left. The troopers notice this, and play mind games to screw with the stoners before the arrest. (And after.)
Littering and... littering aaaaand...
...smokin' the reefer. - Withnail and I, the "GETINTHEBACKOFTHEVAN!" scene.
Jokes
- The classic one has a guy pulled over by a policeman say, “I swear to drunk ociffer, I’m not God!”
Literature
- At one point in Discworld, Death attempts to get drunk.
You drunk I'm think, don't you?
- In one of the Teenage Worrier books, Letty offers this advice;
"If in trouble with the law, do not try to be funny. My own father was pulled over for drunk driving. He said 'I admit I've been driving but I'm perfectly fit to drink.' This Did Not Go Down Well. He might have done better if he hadn't been wearing a 'Free the Tottenham Three' T-shirt."
Live Action TV
- Several Chappelle's Show skits show various reactions to this. In one instance, the stoned driver convinced the cop to smoke his weed, and then sped off.
- Terriers: Ex-Cop and recovering alcoholic Hank's old drinking buddies call him "Occifer" even when they're sober.
Brit: 'Occifer?'Hank: It's what drunks call cops so if they're pulled over, they can't tell if they're slurring their words.
- Zane does this in Eureka after crashing a flying scooter thing. He's not actually drunk — he's accidentally high on oxygen.
- One episode of The Likely Lads had Bob get caught drunk driving (this was the 1970s when it wasn't seen as such a social sin), the trope was played with in that he managed to bluff his way through talking to the policeman but then when he went to get back in the car he opened the rear door and sat down in the back seat and tried to use the driver's seat as a steering wheel.
- On Mythbusters the team tested various ways folklore says a breathalyzer test can be defeated. None worked, and most would be pretty impractical and too obvious to use anyway. ("Oh, hello, Officer. Want a bite of my onion?")
- Happens several times in Reno 911! In one notable instance, the stoned occupants of the vehicle are seen throwing bongs, bags of weed and even entire marijuana plants out the windows while the cop isn't looking.
- That '70s Show
Leo: Is there a problem, Ociffer?Cop: Did you just call me... ociffer?
- World's Dumbest... features almost every variation possible, from numerous drunks who fail their ABC's in unusual ways, to the guy who claims that the placenta in his knee is torn ("Your knee's about to have a baby.") to the guy who says that he's "not that [BLEEP]ed up" right before he keels over...the list goes on and on.
- In Yes, Minister Hacker tries this once or twice. On one notable occasion, a senior minister does it too, off camera, shortly after launching a campaign to stop drunk driving.
Music
- Comedian/folksinger Martin Pearson gives a detailed (and hilarious) description of this happening to him, leading to his arrest, in the introduction to "The Wine Song" on the album Too Close for Comfort.
- Yoshiki Hayashi's first DUI arrest in the US (that got taken down to reckless driving later in court) involved, from his own recounting of the incident, talking to the officer while holding an open bottle of wine that he had been drinking.
- Vazelina Bilopphøggers's "Blå lys" is about an inebriated Viggo being stopped in traffic. He claims that he "only drinks water". The officer doesn't buy it and confiscates his driving licence.
Stand Up Comedy
- Bill Hicks had a joke about talking with a policeman while on LSD.
- Change drunk to stoned and you get part of Robin Williams at the Met.
Robin: You start practicing in your head, " What seems to be the problem officer? What seems to be the problem?" Then you roll down your window, "GAHBUH DOO BABLEM OBBISUH?!"
- He did it before that on "An Evening With Robin Williams", too (though this was portrayed as much as the police messing with people they suspect).
Robin: "[The police] get out of the car and they walk toward you like this! [Walking and talking in slow motion] 'Wooouuulllld yyyyooouuu geeeettt ooouuuut oooofff thhheee ccaaauuurr?'"
- Then he does a bit about the "new test" for allegedly intoxicated drivers, which starts out as the usual "touching your nose", then rapidly becomes a complicated dance routine, finishing up with him saying "At this point you just look the officer right in the eye, and you say 'fuck it, I'm drunk!'"
- One act had this dialogue:
Sir, your eyes look bloodshot, have you been drinking?
Ociffer, yer eyes look glazhed, have you been eating donutsh?
Theatre
- Happens with the drunk driver in the play Money Talks. She staggers onto the stage clutching a steering wheel and tries to tell the court she is "as jober as a sudge".
Video Games
- Sierra's Police Quest 1: In Pursuit of the Death Angel has the player character (a traffic cop) pull over a drunk man who is a textbook example of this trope, "ociffer" and all.
- In True Crime: New York City, if the player hassles pedestrians and subjects them to unwarranted pat downs, some people may refer to you as "ociffer" as a snide insult.
Web Comics
- Lackadaisy: Zib starts trying to come up with an excuse for why he's laying across the sidewalk with a hip flask in hand, then gives up after stumbling on his words, downs the contents of the hip flask and mouths off to the officer instead. He is next seen beaten and in a jail cell, mumbling that if you're going to get arrested the least you can do is make sure you deserve it.
"See? Now there's no problem left. Except the proximity of your ugly face son.
- The title character of Sandra on the Rocks demonstrates the trope to the full, in a flashback to her prom night here.
With side-orders of Noodle Incident and Tempting Fate.
Web Video
- LoadingReadyRun: in Crapshots 196: The DUI, the driver (Beej), who hasn't even started the car yet, gives increasingly desperate excuses to the cop (James) until the sketch ends in a Beejdrop (a running Crapshots gag, wherein another character suddenly becomes Beej).
Cop: Alright, buddy, get outta the car.
Driver: You can't arrest me. *hic* I'm not drunk enough yet.
Cop: You don't have to be drunk, sir. Get out.
Driver: ...but I'm not even driving.
Cop: Sir, you could start driving. Now exit the vehicle, and please give me your keys.
Driver: Thhhhat's impossible. This isn't even my car!
Cop: Sir, I'm placing you under arrest for suspicion of auto theft.
Driver: I'd like to see you try. You're not even a cop!
(The cop suddenly realizes he's now dressed in plainclothes)
Driver: And you're me.
(The cop has been replaced with the driver; cue Beejdrop music sting
Western Animation
- American Dad!: An inebriated Francine gets pulled over by a cop, who she refers to as "Pig Fucker". Turns out his name is Officer Figpucker.
- In The Boondocks episode Mr. Medicinal, Grandad is high on marijuana, when he is pulled over by an officer, Officer Douche. While cracking up, he tries to pronounce it Officer Douché (doo-SHAY) while faking innocence to win over the cop. The officer corrects him that it is indeed Douche, before eventually arresting him.
- Robot Chicken: From one of the Star Wars specials:
Boba Fett: It's alright, I always drunk better when I'm driiiiiiiiiiive!
- The Simpsons: In the season four episode "Duffless," Barney and Homer drive home drunk from a tour of the Duff Brewery. Their car gets pulled over and Homer is forced out the car and made to balance on one foot, touch his nose, and sing "The ABC Song" (with the ending "...won't you come and play with me?" instead of "Tell me what you think of me?" which was also acceptable). Homer does a good job... Until Barney asked Eddie and Lou to use the Breathalyzer. Homer gets arrested, while Barney gets away scot-free — and ends up knocking Chief Wiggum (in a beer stein costume) down a hill, where he merrily rolls until he hits a tree and blows up.
- South Park: "What seems to be the officer, problem?"
- This was actually quoted on an episode of Jem, believe it or not, in "The Rock Fashion Book" when Clash was causing trouble for Jem and The Holograms on the set of a photo shoot. Upon being caught by a security guard, she actually said "Sorry, occifer!" and ran away. The only thing that separates her from the other examples was the fact that she wasn't drunk when she said it.
- Played with in Beavis And Butthead episode "Buy Beer". The boys watch a television commercial for a non-alcoholic beer, which states you don't have to be 21 to buy it (because you can't get drunk on it, which the commercial also repeatedly says). After procuring it they are completely convinced they are getting drunk on it (and are acting drunk) until a passing police officer tries (unsuccessfully) to get them to do some sobriety tests. Then he notices the beer is non-alcoholic, at which point he concludes “You’re not drunk. You’re just stupid!”
- Total Drama World Tour: After a plane lands on him (and Izzy), Owen uses the confessional to assure the viewers that he's just suffered a concussion and "Can you parents my phone and worry them not to tell... Santa?" Then he falls unconscious.
Real Life
- The reason André the Giant was never charged with chasing four guys, and flipping their car over with all four in it. Would you believe four drunk guys ranting about an angry giant?
- One of the drunken Youtube Mexicans of the day was an extremely drunken girl who vehemently denied being drunk and claimed that it was the tree that hit her.
- This trope is why you should never interact with police officers if you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs, if you can possibly help it. You will do nothing to help your defense or others' defense. If you have to interact with police in such a state, refuse to speak as much as is possible and do not agree to anything, but politely ask to be let go (if you were stopped on the street walking, or were in a car with an intoxicated driver, or otherwise in a situation where you aren't the primary reason for their presence). If they refuse to allow you to leave, or if you were being detained or arrested to begin with, demand a lawyer and SHUT UP! (This assumes, of course, that you have the presence of mind to hold your tongue in front of the cops while you're that drunk. As Ron White once said of a similar situation, "I had the right to remain silent...but I didn't have the ability.")
