Don't You Dare Pity Me - Television Tropes & Idioms

alt title(s): Dont You Dare Pity Me

"I think it's rather an impertinence to pity people," said the Dean.
"Hear, hear!" said Harriet. "Nobody likes being pitied. Most of us enjoy self-pity, but that's another thing."
— Dorothy L Sayers, Gaudy Night

"Every fuckin' one of them... They have the gall to take pity on me... and they don't even know... how much they're hurtin' me by doin' it. I don't do mercy. Strong, weak, infant, monster... I just smash 'em all to pieces... I don't give 'em a chance to get up a second time. I don't..."
— Nnoitra Jiruga, Bleach

An injured or suffering character is approached by another, eager to help - but the injured is offended by any show of pity. This reaction of humiliation and resentment may be spoken, or acted upon, or merely felt, but it is some variation on "I don't want your pity" or "Dont You Dare Pity Me." This may be used as actual Stock Phrases, but the reaction does not have to be verbalized.

The more serious the problem, the more likely this is to cause serious conflict. Temporary situations can invoke it for a time, as when Manly Tears or (worse) Sand In My Eyes causes a character to try to comfort the weeping character.

Obviously, the more likely the more touchy a character is. The Broken Bird, Troubled But Cute, The Tsundere, the Jerk With A Heart Of Gold, the Ice Queen are particularly likely to react this way; indeed, it may develop that their touchy character stems from this and can be resolved if it is. The Woman Wearing The Queenly Mask doubly so, since anything for which she can be pitied is a weakness and danger. The Stoic Woobie is often this trope embodied.

There is a range of possibilities of interaction. At one extreme, an injured character tries to avoid insensitive and boorish, demonstrative "sympathy" that rubs salt in the wound. They might also fear that any response to their problem will break them down, when they can not afford to break down. Or the pity may be effusive to the point of suffocation for a trivial problem, or even one that the character doesn't consider a problem, as a Handicapped Badass who is, thank you, managing just fine. At the other extreme, the character rejects sorely needed help and suffers all the more for it — and inflicting suffering in the process. Frequently he accuses the other of having Come To Gawk rather than to help.

Genuine pity is generally portrayed as not compatible with The Power Of Love, but as an affront to the dignity of the pitied, the pitied character is portrayed as justly disliking it, and a character must outgrow it to actually love the pitied character. She may be convinced that what she is offering is really love, but the injured person can see through it.

The injured character may hide from the other to preempt the pity by preventing them from learning of the problem.

For any such character, mentioning his problem may hit a Berserk Button.

The character can wallow in self-pity, but — that's different.

The effect is more dramatic if the characters knew each other before the injury, and it produced a noticeable change in behavior. Or, if the problem is invisible, the pitying character may change after The Reveal. It can still raise if the injury is part of the Back Story and if the other character learns of it when they first meet. If the other person is in any way responsible for the injury - things can get very ugly indeed.

Compare Think Nothing Of It, for when a character wants to avoid praise for admirable behavior, and Bad Dreams, where the character's suffering is not displayed at all — while he's conscious.

Examples

Anime and Manga

Elfen Lied issue 51 has Kouta finding Yuka on a beach as she is reflecting on her Unrequited Love. Her exact line to him as he offers to take her home was along the lines of, "stop wasting your sympathy!" his response? slap to the face for not considering how worried he was about her.
- This was also Lucy's response to Kouta mentioning how sad she looked during her childhood.
In Fruits Basket, Kagura warns Tohru that if her love for Kyo is pity inspired by his curse, she will wrong Kyo. The last "cat" had a female companion who eased his life but stayed with him only out of pity, which he did not deserve. Thus pressed, Tohru concludes that she actually loves him.
- Kyo himself invokes the trope when Tohru sees his true form for the first time, lashing out at her in fear of rejection.
- When Kyo says that Tohru probably feels anxious about her future, Tohru begs him not, because she will break down and cry. He tells her he's used to her tears.
- When Kagura confesses her selfishness to Kyo and cries, he stays with her until she stops — though admitting that he will never reciporate her feelings. When she goes home, her mother sees she's been crying, but she tells her that she doesn't need pity or sympathy — she's just realized she's "a very selfish girl."
- Akito invokes this when Tohru offers her her friendship towards the end of the manga. She slaps Tohru and scream: "Do NOT talk to me like you understand! Do you pity me? You can't deceive me! We can't reconcile... I'm... I'm dirty!". Tohru cries at this and says she's not perfect as well, that she also is in pain, and Akito panics and has her Villainous Breakdown.
Neon Genesis Evangelion: Asuka. So, SO much.
Mai Tokiha in Mai-Hime, especially in the manga.
In One Piece, Chopper goes over to treat Usopp after he loses his duel against Luffy, saying he needs help, but Sanji tells him that Usopp knew what would happen, and it would be even more painful to be pitied after his loss. Chopper opts for just leaving medical supplies for Usopp to tend to his own wounds.
- Chopper's done this a few times as well, but it's played for humor.
In Bleach, many of Nnoitra's decisions are based on his desire not to be pitied, as he is deeply hurt by then-Espada Neliel Tu Oderschvank following him around to keep him alive because he is weaker than she is, and at one point after losing to Neliel angrily thrusts his weapon at his Fraccion Tesla when he asks if he is alright, warning him not to pity him. After being defeated by Kenpachi, he gets up even when Kenpachi believes the fight is finished, angered by being dismissed, and charges him again, but is killed.
Inuyasha: In the manga, when Sesshoumaru is badly injured by Magatsuhi after losing the Meidou Zangetsuha, Inuyasha gives him a pitiful/guilty look, at which point Sesshoumaru gets pissed.
In Ranma 1/2, after a fight with a stronger and faster Ranma, Ryoga has been twisted into a human knot. Akane is trying to untie him, and explains how Ranma is stronger and faster due to his training/fighting with Cologne (Shampoo's great-grandmother). Ryoga doesn't "want to see pity in those eyes," so he runs away... on his hands.
Toris aka Lithuania from Axis Powers Hetalia doesn't have a good life since he works for Russia and is in a very weird and tragicomic Love Triangle with his boss and said boss's little sister, but hates telling others (even his old friend Feliks aka Poland) about his problems. In fact, Poland only learns about Lithuania's woes by accident, when he gets ready to sneak behind Lithuania when he's in the bath tub and happens to see the massive scars on his back.
May Wong from Kaleido Star invokes this trope on Sora Naegino twice. First, after her Break The Haughty episode, when she thinks Sora will mock her for being abandoned by Leon and tells her to go away, when in reality Sora wanted to tell her that she flunked Leon's last test. Second, when Katie asks a punished Sora (meaning, she's not allowed to perform for almost dropping out of the Stage) to challenge her during rehearsals, but Sora refuses and May even slaps her in the middle of her upcoming Heroic BSOD.
Sailor Moon: Used big time by Nehellenia. After finding out about her past the Sailor Senshi start to pity her, causeing her to fly off the handle "Those eyes again... DON'T LOOK AT ME WITH SUCH EYES!" and then attack them. They keep it up an she breaks down and gives up.
Claire from Planetes.
Through the entire run of Air Master, Sakiyama Kaori had been caught in a Cant Catch Up dynamic with the titular street-fighter, Maki. No matter how strong she got - quickly going from being a joke, to taking down championship-level wrestlers with a single attack - she still couldn't reach Maki's level, and every fight they had ended with Kaori unconscious or even near death. In the final episode, as Maki is on her way to face her final challenge against 'The Strongest Man', Kaori challenges her one last time. She is at the peak of her power, even embracing a rage-powered near-Super Mode, and yet Maki - and the viewers - knows that she doesn't have a prayer. But when Maki says "I'm sorry, but... it'll only take one minute", Kaori literally explodes in fury - not at Maki's confidence in her own skills, which is well-founded, but in the pity inherent in the first part of the statement. Taken aback, Maki apologizes and recants. "One minute." (It barely takes 10 seconds, but Kaori is smiling as she goes down.)
Cyborg009: "Shut up, Lina! You're not my mother!"
Mahou Sensei Negima did this during Negi's fight with Rakan. Jack patronizingly tells Negi that while he's impressed with his progress, he should just give up because he really has no chance to win. Negi doesn't take it well. Of course, knowing Jack, he probably said it just to get Negi to fight harder.
- Fate's minion Homura pulls this on Rakan as well, when he briefly reads her mind and finds out she's a war orphan taken in by Fate.
Revy of Black Lagoon gets at least two of these during the series.
Pumpkin Doryu of Rave Master says this when the heroes begin to feel sorry for him upon learning his Start Of Darkness.
Tatsumasa Oda from Slam Dunk is the poster-boy for this trope.
Shadow Link holds this attitude toward Princess Zelda at one point, in the manga adaptation of The Legend Of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures.
Jun Misugi is an uber version of this. To the point that he'd rather put his life in risk (he's an Ill Boy with a weak heart) than abandon his team in their hour of need.

Comics

After DC Comics's Damage is seriously scarred in battle, he is resentful, bitter, belligerent, and unwilling to join any other heroes. The Justice Society Of America manages to slowly integrate him into their team — then, his character takes a sudden turn for the sunnier when his scars are healed.
- Sunnier nothing, his step-brother Atom-Smasher derides Damage for essentially being "Vanity Smurf with superpowers". Damage's face was healed by Gog, so Damage spread Gog's message, all the while showing off his "perfect face". This leads to a Kick The Dog moment when Damage destroys Atom-Smasher's (originally Damage' and A.S.'s father's) house full of priceless memories because he didn't want to be "linked to a dwarf". When Gog dies, Damage's face gets re-scarred and is this all over again.
DC's The Ray foolishly caused his father to go into respiratory arrest and saved him with mouth-to-mouth. The father immediately berated him for his stupidity, but the Ray ignored him in his relief that he was alive, which was so great that he started to cry. His father realized it, stopped the scolding, and tried to put his arm about him. Ray angrily shrugged it off. (A second attempt was more successful.)
In Marvel's "Age Of Apocalypse" alternate history, Quicksilver learned that his father had been kidnapped by his worst enemy, his half brother had vanished, and a virtual stranger had also been captured. He had to decide to rescue the stranger. When his girlfriend Storm tried to sympathize, he refused to talk with her because if he thought of what he was doing, he would not be able to do it.
Star Wars: Obsession — Asajj Ventress tells this to Obi-Wan as she battles him, and notes that he no longer as pity in his eyes as she dies. (Or does she?)
Ultimate Spider-Man. Issue 122. That is all. (uh, if you followed it since the early days. Or even just the annuals.)
- Since that is not all, courtesy explanation for the rest of us?
- The trope can also be applied to the main character with his discussion with Nick Fury after the Clone Saga. Although its either a subversion or a Justified Trope. Or both as the case may be.
Another example courtesy The DCU: In issue 13 of the '80s Batman and the Outsiders, Katana (who actually Is Just Better, by the way) is tracking a poisoned and delusional Batman. She stops to save a civilian's life and thus, loses Bats. So she expresses her regret to substitute commander Black Lightning, prompting the following conversation:
Black Lightning: Don't go committin' Hara-Kiri or anything over it, Katana! You've been through a lot lately!
Katana: Don't pity me because of the death of my husband, Lightning! I won't have that!
Black Lightning: Sorry! But any of us would have done the same thing!

Film

In Midnight Cowboy, where Dustin Hoffman's character refuses all attempts to help him over the course of the movie. Moral? he dies on the bus to Florida
I don't want your apology. I want my scroll! Interrupting a Sympathy For The Devil moment, for that matter.
In The Heat Of The Night:
Gillespie: Don't you ever get just...a little lonely?
Tibbs: No lonelier than you, man.
Gillespie: Oh, now, don't get smart, black boy. I don't need it. No pity, thank you. No, thank you!
In Chocolat (2000), Armande (Judi Dench) turns out to be hiding the fact that she's diabetic from Vianne, the chocolate shop owner. After Armande's daughter reveals this, chews Vianne out for giving her sweets, and leaves in a huff, Vianne asks the old woman why she did not let her know. But Armande won't let anyone boss her around about how she lives her life, and as she leaves, says "Don't you dare pity me!" She dies the night after a sweets-filled birthday party Vianne caters for her, but this is seen by the film as preferable to living out her life in a nursing home.
In Disney's less-popular 1992 musical Newsies, Crutchy states, "I don't want nobody carryin' me. Never, ya hear?" when Jack and David go to break him out of the Refuge.

Literature

Dorothy L Sayers's Harriet Vane found it difficult to accept Lord Peter Wimsey because he had fallen in love with her after she had been arrested for murder and was in serious danger of execution.
In the Sherlock Holmes story "The Crooked Man" a soldier had been betrayed to the enemy by his rival in love and suffered horrific tortures. He had avoided his old love for fear of inspiring her pity for many years.
In Sorcery and Cecelia, at the beginning of her Season, Kate has no partners at her first dance except for one who seemed rather distracted during the dance and immediately afterward claimed his dance with her sister, making the sister's magniminity a little too blatant for Kate.
In Robert Asprin's Hit or Myth, Aahz makes or breaks heavy promises to his family in order to rejoin his apprentice Skeeve — and finds out that Skeeve is evidently coping just fine without him. Skeeve quickly realizes how crushing this is, but other characters happily burble about how well Skeeve is doing before coming to belated awareness. Panic-stricken, they look to Skeeve to convince Aahz that he really is still needed, and they aren't saying so out of pity.
In John Barnes's One For The Morning Glory, Amatus's behavior is so erratic after Gorlias's death that people worry that he doesn't sit about spurning sympathy despite his otherwise melancholy behavior.
Ender's Shadow: Achilles doesn't want your pity, and in fact will kill you if he detects even a hint of it in any of your interactions. Of course, he may just kill you anyway, he's like that.
In Animorphs, Marco presents the facade of aloofness because he hates feeling pitied, which ultimately fails when his teammates find out that his mother is Visser One, leader of the Yeerk Invasion. Likewise, teammate Tobias eventually becomes accustomed to being a hawk, but still tries to avoid the feelings of pity from his friends. That said, he is Emohawk, so he spends most of the time wangsting.
In Lois Mc Master Bujold's Mirror Dance, Mark Vorkosigan says as much to Elena, stating, "Don't you dare pity me."
Belle in Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol breaks up with Scrooge soon after a death in her family (likely her father), accusing him of not loving her enough. When Scrooge points out he still wants to marry her, she rejects it as pity or a sense of obligation.
In Dan Abnett's Gaunts Ghosts novel The Armour of Contempt, Dalin Criid feels, and knows he dares not express, a deep pity for Merrt after the Ghost ends up in RIP with thim.
Eowyn, in JRR Tolkien's The Lord Of The Rings, says this to Faramir with the line "I desire no man's pity."
In William King's Warhammer 40000 novel Space Wolf, when Strybjorn is injured, he snarls at Ragnar "I don't need your help" — but gets only to his knees before he starts to topple. Ragnar helps him up and to walk.
- In Wolfblade, Ragnar at one point thinks of helping Haegr to his feet — and gets a warning glance that keeps him silent.
Star Wars: Heir to the Empire: After Mara Jade reveals her origins to Luke, she lets him know that she doesn't need his sympathy. She gets it anyway!
- Funnily enough, she grows to admire this quality, although the only people she'd ever admit that to are her husband and son (Luke and Ben, obviously).
In The Wheel of Time, every time one of the heroes meets some Traveling People (who are pacifists) the main response toward him is pity for his readiness to do violence (even in self defence). One of the sharpest examples was with Perrin, who actually feels guilty doing violence but understands the necessity, and gets one of those looks from one such a woman. In the middle of a battle!He pretty much starts shouting the name of the trope at her. In a rare occurence she actually breaks that principle to protect him and gets killed.
In Brian Jacques's Redwall, Impoverished Patrician Squire Julian of Gingivere disdains his ramshackle estate and repels Matthias's sympathy because he knows nothing of loneliness or trying to preserve standards.
Erik has this down to a t. Having a face like a skull can train you for that.
In Jim Buttcher's Dresden Files novel Small Favor, Harry is angry with Michael's pity — partly because he can tell that Michael thinks he's deluded, and he knows he's not.

Live Action TV

The title character of House accuses Cameron of pitying rather than loving, and it's implied that it was the reason for her attraction to her husband (who was dying of cancer) and to House himself.
- Effectively subverted on the recent episode "Emancipation." The patient, an emancipated minor and orphan, vehemently rejects any pity from the other characters. She maintains this stance when she later states that she lied about her parents' death and ran away from home because her father raped her. Ultimately, House realizes that the reason she's so adamantly against being pitied is because she doesn't think she's worthy of it; the real reason she ran away from home was that she (accidentally) killed her brother.
Used repeatedly in Stella, most often by Michael Showalter. That he also frequently does it in West Virginia coal miner a la "Coal Miner's Daughter" accent is deliberate.
Stephen Colbert to the cheering Studio Audience, after yet another flubbed line:
No, no, I don't want your pity!
In Lost, after Kate learns of Sawyer's backstory and self-loathing, he warns her never to feel sorry for him.
- Locke almost epitomizes this trope. Especially in his first centric episode.
  Don't tell me what I can't do.
- Said by Jack in the season 3 Finale, "Okay, I'll tell you what...you do this...you get my father down here. Get him down here right now and if I'm drunker than he is you can fire me. Don't you look at me like that. Don't you pity me."
Aeryn from Farscape doesn't object to pity... at the start she objects to every single emotion. In one episode, instead of talking things out with Crichton and letting him comfort her, she pounds a punching bag until it's stained with her own blood. Oww.
Subverted in the first episode of Foyles War: DCS Foyle approaches Sgt. Milner, who is recuperating after having his leg shot off in the Battle of Norway (and is consequently a little shell-shocked and shaken) and asks for his help in investigating the case. Milner bitterly replies that he doesn't want Foyle's pity. Foyle immediately responds that he doesn't have time for pity; he's trying to solve a murder of an unpopular German woman with, thanks to World War II, a severely reduced staff in an atmosphere of fear and chaos, and is approaching Milner because he's a trained police officer and Foyle needs all the help he can get, but if Milner wants to lie around uselessly feeling sorry for himself, that's Milner's problem. Milner eventually agrees to help.
MASH: Margaret is incredibly torn up over the death of a small dog that had been wandering around camp, and when Hawkeye tries to comfort her, she has this reaction. It doesn't last, though, and the floodgates eventually open.
Kara uses almost these exact words on Lee in the Season 2.5 Battlestar Galactica episode "Scar."
- As does Gaeta in Season 4.5's "Blood on the Scales."
After Gus in Road To Avonlea is blinded, he lets Felicity think he is dead rather than to have her pity him.
After the study group in Community learns that Jeff is living in his car, they attempt to offer him a place to stay. "The next person who offers me charity or pity gets mentioned by name in my suicide note," Jeff responds.
Joy's mother says this all the time in My Name is Earl because she's in a wheelchair. She's not really disabled. She's just pretending.

Music

The lyrics of Rick Astley's Cry For help are about a man getting frustrated because his girlfriend is the poster girl for this pose.
Metallica's underrated song Low Man's Lyric

Poetry

Rudyard Kipling's "The Comforters"
So, when thine own dark hour shall fall,
Unchallenged canst thou say:
"I never worried you at all,
For God's sake go away!"

Professional Wrestling

Ric Flair went into WWE's Wrestlemania 24 about 10 years past his prime, rapidly decaying in the ring, and laboring under a decree from Vince McMahon that meant that the next match he lost would be his last. Knowing this, he challenged Shawn "Mr. Wrestlemania" Michaels to a match at the show. And when Michaels showed pity for his opponent in a promo a couple of weeks before the show, and hinted that he might not bring his A-game, Flair called him out on it, demanding that Shawn give him everything he has, because, win or lose, he wanted to come out of the show with his honor and integrity intact.

Real Life

The rallying cry of the autism rights movement. Literally — it was started by Jim Sinclair with his essay "Don't Mourn for Us".
- Not just the autism rights movement. The disability rights community as a whole has taken it up, too. No wonder—being constantly pitied gets old real fast.
Randy Newman's acceptance speech on receiving his Academy Award for Best Song after countless nominations began with the line, "I don't need your pity."

Theatre

In Wicked, Nessarose asks Boq if he only took her to the dance because he feels sorry for her: "it's because I'm in this chair, and you felt sorry for me...". As a matter of fact, that is not the reason.

Video Games

Skuntank to the player character in Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Darkness/Time.
Edgeworth to Phoenix in case 5 of Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations, after he faints because of an earthquake and the defendant escapes from him.
- Which echoes the same reaction in the 4th (and until the DS remake, final) case of the first game, where his aversion to earthquakes is explained (naturally the event which caused his phobia is linked directly to the case).
- Fortunately, his adopted sister Franziska is around to whip some sense into him. Literally.
"I will break you before I let you show me mercy..."
In Baldurs Gate II, Jaheira's immediate response to finding Khalid's mutilated corpse is to instantly rebuff all and any attempts at consoling her, stating clearly that "the only voice I want to hear... Is no more."
In Neverwinter Nights 2: Mask of The Betrayer Gann approves of the player saying "good ridence" to his parrents (who abandoned him unwillingly and disproves of pity for his situation.
In Disgaea Hour Of Darkness, Flonne takes pity on ~~the 'Dark Adonis' Vyers~~ Mid-Boss as he has no one to make his lunch for him, but he asks her to stop as "That sends a sharp pain to moi heart!"
In Super Mario RPG the Samurai Boss Boomer grumbles that he doesn't want Mario's pity after him and the other good guys trounce him, and instead offs himself by cutting the chandelier he was standing on during the boss fight. Granted, it's hard to tell exactly if Mario was offering pity when his only form of communication is jumping up and down.
When Ratchet in Ratchet And Clank Future: Tools of Destruction questions Big Bad Emperor Tachyon as to how he could get himself to kill Lombaxes when they were the ones who saved his egg and raised him, Tachyon simply yells: "Those filthy creatures had the gall to pity me!".
In Sword Of Mana, once you fight and defeat Devius, Julius arrives and cheerfully offers to heal him. Devius' pride is so offended by this that he declares he'd rather kill himself than accept Julius' pity, and then does. This starts getting a little creepy in retrospect, as Julius may have actually invoked this reaction so as to have less competition for Dark Lord's attention.

Web Comics

In Sabrina Online, Sabrina learns a bit about her boss, Zig Zag, and her Tragic Past (hints of childhood sex abuse). When Sabrina tries (awkwardly) to offer sympathy, Zig Zag launches into a tirade about how that kind of pity is exactly why she doesn't tell anyone about her past: She is who she is, refuses to use any Freudian Excuses, and hates it when someone tries to on her behalf.
Galatea, here, in The Inexplicable Adventures Of Bob.
In Abel's Backstory of DMFA, Abel learns that another character's mother and father left him/died. Abel begins to say something along the lines of 'Sorry, I didn't know.' when he is cut off by the other person who complains that he wasted enough time pitying himself and wanted no more.
In Precocious, Autumn violently rebuffs Max when he attempts to turn his extravagent birthday party into an actual pity party for her.