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Mark Kermode

Mark Kermode (born 1963) is an English film critic who reviews films on BBC Radio 5 Live, instantly recognizable by his 1950s haircut, his huge flappy hands, his love for classic horror and his hatred of most other movies in general.

He is, however, most renowned for his rants. He can go on and on about how terrible a movie is with an uncanny verbal virtuosity and a Motor Mouth to give Yahtzee a run for his money. His fanbase has coined the term "Kermodian" for a particularly vicious rant.

Kermode maintains a video blog called Kermode Uncut, in which he discusses film in general. He occasionally sits down to react on comments made on his blog, and he is fair minded enough to quote his detractors as well as his fans.

He has also written a memoir, entitled It's Only A Movie (a Shout-Out to his favourite film, The Exorcist). Which he followed up later with The Good, the Bad and the Multiplex which... errr... does what it says on the tin.

In unrelated news, he also plays the double bass in a skiffle band called The Dodge Brothers.

Tropes associated with Mark Kermode:

  • 3-D Movie: Mark is a vocal hater of the phenomenon and will go out of his way to let you know. You might think you like 3D, but Mark is here to tell you you are wrong about that.
  • Ascended Meme: In an offhand comment on Percy Jackson And The Lightning Thief, which Mark considered far too similar to Harry Potter, he said they might as well have called it "Benjamin Sniddlegrass and the Cauldron of Penguins". Guess what? Somebody actually went and made that movie. And got Stephen Fry to narrate.
    • The comments on Mark's hands. Initially an off-hand remark on The Thick of It, but Mayo ran away with it and years later we're still hearing about them.
  • Berserk Button: His hatred of 3D crosses into this. Lampshaded by Simon Mayo: "You must tell me more about your hatred of 3D."
    • Michael Bay is also a rant dead cert, what with mixing several of his least appreciated aspects of modern blockbuster production (unoriginality, crummy dialogue, trope abuse, cardboard characters, over-egged production including 3D and near-constant reliance on jittercam in badly plotted action sequences, randomly cacophonous sound effects, pornographic sensibilities, misogynstic attitudes, racist stereotypes done really badly, mercantile grasping, zombie franchising... and, that's not a complete list). In just one person.
  • B-Movie: The quick way into his heart is to make good, B-Movie, popcorn plot and dialogue work well on screen. Yes, he also loves high concept art house offerings you've probably never heard of, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love a bit of good, solid fun, too.
  • Bread, Eggs, Breaded Eggs: In his review of Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait, he reveals that the thing he hates more than football and conceptual art is conceptual art about football.
  • The Cast Show Off: His video blogs often start with a snippet of music from The Dodge Brothers.
  • Catch Phrase:
    • "I'm right and you're wrong."
    • "I want to be absolutely clear about this..."
    • "Hello to Jason Isaacs!" (David Morrissey, Stephen Fry, Fairport Convention, etc.)
  • Caustic Critic: A fine intellect powers a sharp tongue, aided by powerful lungs. Mark combines an natural ability to take personal offence to a film with an acidic wit and an encyclopedic knowledge of film.
  • Completely Different Title: The German for dilemma is "dilemma". So naturally in Germany The Dilemma is shown as Dickste Freunde — which means Fat Friends. Or less literally Best Friends. This inexplicable transmogrification was riffed on by Mark and Simon. Simon thought Dickste Freunde might have stared in some straight-to-video erotic thrillers.
    Mark: Wally Pfister shoots Dickste Freunde, in The Fat Friends!
  • Deadpan Snarker: A given for a Caustic Critic such as Mark. Sometimes Mark goes into Snark-to-Snark Combat with Simon.
  • Establishing Character Moment / Eureka Moment: Mark calls particularly clunky examples in biopics "Chubby? Hmmm..." moments, after a moment in a biopic of The Carpenters when Karen Carpenter is described as being "chubby".
  • Fan Boy: Though he'll say he isn't, its obvious he has a love for directors such as Wes Craven, William Fredkin, Guillermo del Toro and Christopher Nolan.
  • Finishing Each Other's Sentences: Mayo does this - or at least he can guess the essence of Mark's review solely from the tone Mark uses when naming the film.
  • Foil: Simon Mayo, his co-host and resident Deadpan Snarker on 5 live. Our thoughts go with you.
  • Fourth Wall Mail Slot: The video responses to the comments on his blog.
  • Grammar Nazi: He likes to correct listeners' emails, though Mayo sometimes calls him on this. On this Mayo sometimes calls him. Mayo on this calls him sometimes?
  • Heroes Love Dogs: During his rant on Marley and Me, Dr. K goes on a small tangent about how much he loves dogs. He even starts tearing up, only for him to outright deny it has nothing to do with the movie.
  • Heroic BSOD: As you can see from this episode of Kermode Uncut, he suffers this after watching The Hangover: Part III.
  • I'll Take That as a Compliment: When Werner Herzog called him "Too intellectually warped" to be objective about 3D cinema, naturally Kermode was thrilled.
  • In a World: Frequently parodied, with a silly deep American accent (see below).
  • It Is Pronounced Tro PAY: It's KER-mode, sounding in no way like Commode.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Mark can be a very snarky divisive arse, but all in all, he just wants good cinema and is very polite with guests, even if the film isn't up to his standards.
  • The Knights Who Say Squee: Kermode has blogged about being starstruck around various guests on the show (in this case it was David Tennant, and he was in America and couldn't be there in person). Probably his biggest moment was with legendary SFX designer and director of Silent Running and Brainstorm Douglas Trumbull on the 'phone, which was ten minutes of Kermode's barely contained adoration.
  • Large Ham: He loves to ham it up if he's parodying something. His wrath at bad movies however is perfectly genuine.
  • Like an Old Married Couple: With Mayo. Kermode himself made the comparison.
    Mark Kermode (reviewing Sherlock Holmes): They're like an bickering old couple, in which one of them is a big-mouthed, and full of himself
    Simon Mayo: And he's got big hands.
    Mark Kermode: — big hands, and he's completely unable to pay the correct compliments to the other one. The other one is the reasonable jelly who somehow holds it all together. Shall we hear a clip?
    • Lampshaded again on March 25th, 2011. In response to a listener complaining about her husband not listening to her opinion on films anymore:
    Simon Mayo: "This is for the sake of marital harmony"
    Mark Kermode: What, ours?
    Later.
    Simon Mayo: Always listen to your wife...far more than listen to us.
    Mark Kermode: Can I just say that as far as this particular radio relationship is concerned you never listen to your wife.
    A long pause. Then, later, as Simon reads a listener's review:
    Simon Mayo: ...worth a view if you want to please your other half.
    Mark Kermode: What does that mean?
    Simon Mayo: I don't know — I imagine he's saying —
    Mark Kermode: Are you pleased that I saw it?
    Simon Mayo: ...Can you just stop that kind of line of thought?
    • Even Robert Redford commented on this when he was a guest, much to the live audience's amusement.
    • Mark and Simon identify themselves as Newt and Hermann from Pacific Rim.
      • And as Holmes and Watson (from the review for the first Ritchie film).
  • Man of a Thousand Voices: Very much averted, if only he knew. While he attempts many impressions of actors, they all sound very much alike, and not much like the impersonated. Mayo often calls him on this, as do his fans. Mark isn't above lampshading it. They are often funnier than a good impression would be. Especially of Danny Dyer.
  • Mean Brit: Oh so much.
  • Most Annoying Sound: In-universe. There's quite a few of these for Mark, but nothing comes close to the screams from Fred The Movie. He had to put things in his ears whilst watching it.
  • Motor Mouth: Mark. All the time. At the end of the show Simon sometimes comments they have two minutes left and asks if Mark can review a film. He can.
  • The Nicknamer: Just ask Orloondo Bland, Ikea Knightley, Muriël Strepsil, Snoozy La Beef or David Booey.
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: Simon Mayo seems to be a rather smart and well-educated man... except when his playing dumb has a chance of embarrassing Kermode in one way or another.
  • OOC Is Serious Business: In his video "An Announcement", Mark gives us this:
    Mark: Gravity is worth seeing in 3D.
  • Odd Couple: With Simon Mayo. The two have been likened to a bickering married couple on several occasions.
  • One of Us: That is, if "we" are slightly antisocial horror movie geeks.
    • Considering how big our various Nightmare Fuel pages can get, well, like we're ones to talk... He's also quite happy to use the words "trope" and "MacGuffin" with malice aforethought and will just pile that malice on when any poor, unsuspecting trope has been just plain misused near him. Nothing bugs him more than an abused trope.note  Also, heaven help you if you don't appreciate The Exorcist, the Troperiffic The Princess Bride and anything by Guillermo del Toro. You are so going to be locked out the loop. See Mark's explanation of why Pacific Rim is so much better than Transformers. Very much one of us.
    • He's also a Whovian.
  • Pet the Dog: His desire to see filmmakers treat female characters with intelligence and respect.
  • Punctuated! For! Emphasis!: Occasionally uses this in some of his more scathing rants. For example:
    • He forced himself to sit in front of Charles Dickens's England for TWO! HOURS! TWO! HOURS!
    • He and the audience at the first showing of Movie 43 sat and watched the film in "what can only be described as deathly. Gobsmacked. Jaw-dropping silence."
    • During his review of Terminator Salvation, he launches into an epic rant against McG, and says that the real reason people don't like McG is that he "CAN'T! MAKE! FILMS!"
  • The Rant: Part and parcel of why some (OK... most) tune in. Although, the not-going-to-rant-about rants that then go on to thoroughly skewer, deconstruct and stomp on pointless plot-lines, characterisations and gimmicks at length are usually the classic ones. "Kermodian" is a description for a reason. Beware, however, expecting him to rant on what you would otherwise consider a dead cert going on the trailer, poster, production posse and premise of an upcoming film alone. He's amongst the first to remind you that Tropes Are Tools and that you should Never Trust a Trailer.
  • Recurring Character: Favourite and frequent guest Jason Isaacs.
  • Red Oni to Mayo's Blue Oni.
  • Running Gag:
    • The references to Mark's supposedly huge hands. (They actually spring from an off-hand comment in an episode of The Thick of It.)
    • Listeners saying hello to Jason Isaacs, sometimes in somewhat bizarre circumstances.
    • Danny Dyer! Danny Dyer! A-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo, Danny Dyer!
    • "Listeners writing in to the Fourth Wall Mail Slot giving their qualifications along with their name" — Joe Bloggs, BSc Geology.
  • Sharp-Dressed Man: For the most part, Dr. K is always wearing pretty nifty suits.
  • Sitcom Arch-Nemesis: Danny Dyer like to this of himself as this. Mark doesn't really care.
  • Small Reference Pools: Completely inverted. Kermode will frequently refer to obscure movies, directors or actors while reviewing a particular film. Part of Mayo's job is to get him to explain who, or what, he's talking about:
    Mark: (On The Human Centipede II) It had me longing for the glory days of Jörg Buttgereit and the shorts that he made before he made Nekromantik...
    Simon: Just remind me about him?
    • Played straight outside of films — invariably Mark hasn't seen the TV series/Read the book. His knowledge of sport appears only to that which has been featured in film.
    • And Man In A Blue Suit Watches A Tennis Match.
  • So Bad, It's Horrible: Mark's watched classics and bad movies alike, but this is his view on John Carter, Keith Lemon: The Film, Sex and the City 2, Film Socialisme, Human Centipede (1 and 2), The Hangover Part 2, A Serbian Film, the Michael Bay Transformers films, New Year's Eve and, oddly enough, the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.
    • Although Mark will challenge anybody claiming that a modern blockbuster movie is the "Worst Film Ever" to come to his house and watch some of his obscure erotic and horror movie video tapes to see the real worst films ever made; "A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell", "Over-Sexed Rug Suckers From Mars", and "SS Experiment Camp" being some named examples.
  • So Cool It's Awesome: On the flipside, we can include such works like The Exorcist, Inception, Pan's Labyrinth, Mary Poppins, The Hunger Games, Brazil, Gravity and Pacific Rim for instance. Also Doctor Who.
  • Stock British Phrases: In contrast to his usual well-spoken manner, he has a delightful habit of sometimes spicing up his speech with exaggerated British vernacular. For instance, he described the beginning of Gravity with "Blimey, charlie, big trub coming!"
  • Unusual Euphemism: Since the Radio 5 show is broadcast in the middle of school run time the hosts will resort to some interesting phrases such as the often used 'fruitcake' for another word beginning with 'F' ("Clusterfruitcake" was used once.), and 'melon-farmer' is also used as a substitute frequently. The trope is absent from his books though.
  • Up to Eleven: Compared the inspiration behind Transformers Age of Extinction directly to This Is Spinal Tap and "Break Like the Wind".
    "When most people think of 'epic' they think of David Lean, when Michael Bay thinks 'epic' he thinks of David St. Hubbins."
    • He sometimes refers to this trope by name, talking about when a concept is taken Up to Eleven.
  • Wittertainment: At its most wittertaining. Comes in two flavours: either long, name-dropping laden digresses in Kermode's knowledge of movie history, or Kermode and Mayo bickering Like an Old Married Couple.
    • The word "Wittertainment" became a edit war at The Other Wiki, commented on by Kermode and Mayo: Listeners believed that it was Americans, who don't hear the show, removing the entry for "lack of notability".
  • Why Did It Have To Be Pomegranates in a buried coffin, with Bono and a clown?
  • What The Hell, Casting Agency?: Whenever something like this comes up, expect him to bring up "Meg Ryan as a helicopter pilot", a reference to Courage Under Fire.

Mario Vargas LlosaAdministrivia/Creator Pages in MainMark L. Van Name

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