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Just For Fun
If I Am Ever Head Of An Alien Monitoring Agency
Things to think about if I ever run a counter alien agency.

Part of The Universal Genre Savvy Guide.

The Zeroth Law

  • When considering all of the following advice I will hold one thing uppermost in my mind. If I have a choice between ignoring the advice or only following it half-heartedly (say for financial reasons) I will ignore it and ensure that I follow those that I can to the utmost.

Security and Secrecy

  1. If I am the head of an alien invasion task force, I will not assume all strange events are purely terrestrial. My job is there for a reason.
  2. If I believe that a system fitted to my group's bases, vehicles, or other equipment is suspect, I will have it removed.
  3. My first job will be to create a website revealing my existence. I will link to all the strange conspiracy sites I can find, use very poor or dubious photos, lots of bad science and include forums. This has the twofold purpose of discrediting anyone who finds out about me and letting me know what the conspiracy nuts are noticing.
  4. I will watch carefully any piece of technology that suddenly and rapidly manages to be in everything, especially if it involves common pieces of technology like mobile phones or sat navs which should by all rights have several competing systems.
    • I will also remember that a patent explains how to make the patented device. Any ubiquitous piece of technology that depends on an unknown black box or on unknown technology should be very conspicuously unpatented.
  5. All agents' phones will be monitored to allow me to track them in an emergency and detect treachery.
  6. I will never have all of my commanders in any one place. They will never go all to one meeting, and if requested to do so, some will employ an advanced system known as "teleconferencing".
  7. Base computer systems will not be connected to the Internet. Internet terminals will exist but they will be unconnected to any other base function.
  8. I will not be so stupid as to "disappear" members of the media. All their friends and colleagues are paid to be nosy and you end up having to "disappear" whole population centres.
  9. I will not store alien artifacts in a major city, in my headquarters, or in my pocket.
  10. All high ranking members of the agency will run on carefully chosen code names only. They will not be allowed to connect with their "normal" lives for safety reasons. A name like "Mr. Steven" will protect you in ways body armour can only imagine.
    • Despite this, all high-ranking officers will wear body armour and have at least as good a guard detail as a major political figure.
  11. I will let the heads of the major world governments know about me only on sufferance, assuming one of them is not my boss. If they are aware of me, I will make it as clear as possible that I am there to fight aliens, not other human nations.
  12. I will endeavour not to let all world leaders join together in one place to meet aliens. Teleconferencing is still an option.
  13. My organisation will not have a single head. There will be an inner circle of at least half a dozen, each with supreme authority over one area. As such, multiple people will have to be compromised to significantly control the organisation.
  14. If aliens do something really public like destroy an aircraft carrier, I will go public and lobby for more powers and an increased budget, not create some ill-conceived cover story about asteroids that nobody will believe.
    • Except, of course, before going public: People will be more inclined to believe in the agency's existence if they suspect it than if I proudly announce it.
  15. I will insist on at least a basic investigation of all significant technological advances.
  16. If an alien artifact of unknown origin and power suddenly pops into existence in my HQ, I will immediately move all command functions to a different building.
  17. I will upgrade to new HQs every now and again. Old HQs will be mothballed, and I will keep a spare key.
    • They will also be well patrolled in case someone has the bright idea to take them over.
    • This will not, however, be allowed to proceed to the point where an unlimited string of old HQs dots the landscape.
  18. Just because I employ an R&D department does not mean I do not need to understand how things work.
  19. If possible, I will commission an animated cartoon or anime depicting people somewhat like us fighting aliens somewhat like the ones we fight. This will allow me to better pass off any sighting as part of a live-action movie.
  20. If an invasion seems unavoidable, I will go public. Sure, the public will panic, but they won't be quietly sipping coffee in a cafe when the aliens start blowing them up either.
    • If in doubt as to whether the situation counts as 'unavoidable' I will remind myself it is better to get the panic over with sooner rather than later. If the situation resolves itself, I can always claim the credit and use the incident to press for more funding and cooperation from the rest of the world.
  21. All heads of government and all heads of security services will be kept under very close scrutiny, for their protection.
  22. All my equipment and vehicles will have at least as good anti-theft devices as civilian versions, such as immobilisers in cars and The Club.
    • Said vehicles will all be makes, models, ages, body styles, trim levels and colors not typically used by law enforcement, military, or other government agencies in the part of the world in which they are deployed. Random units will have aftermarket equipment otherwise seen only on personal private vehicles added to them.
    • Black Suburbans will only be used after they are equipped with clamshell car-top luggage-carriers and/or at least two child seats; one for for an infant, one for a toddler. They will also have a bumper sticker advising the world that "My child is an Honor Roll student at [X] school." or a similar locally appropriate sticker.
    • If I am based in or have a base in the United Kingdom I will not use Land Rovers or any variant thereof unless they are green, covered in mud, and equipped with a gunrack, a very ratty old dog basket in the back and a Country Alliance “59% of the British Public Say keep Foxhunting” bumper-sticker. To complete the camouflage these vehicles will always be driven by women of a certain age and class equipped with huge slobbery dogs, Holland & Holland Shotguns, tweed and wellies. Very well trained and aggressive huge slobbery dogs, Tungsten flechette loaded Holland & Holland’s and Kevlar-lined tweed and wellies if needs be.
    • I will not emblazon my black vans with the name of my top-secret organization. Bloody Torchwood
  23. If we take any aliens prisoner, they will be stripped of all their technology, and held in a maximum security facility.
    • I will always assume they have mind control and shape-shifting capabilities, even if there is no evidence of such, and take appropriate counter measures. I will also have multiple contingency plans for if they fail, ranging up to nuking the entire prison.
    • All prisons for aliens will have security systems at least as good as ordinary human prisons. Doors that open when the power goes off are right out.
    • This by no mean applies only to prisons. All doors in my bases will have Chubb or protector lock, Yale lock and mechanical combination locks in addition to the electronic locks, retinal and fingerprint scans ect ect. And bolts. Thick bolts.
    • Also, I will not keep all alien prisoners in the same detention facility. Yet, I should be limited to only ten facilities at most. If I need more than that, I am obviously not doing my job and should be replaced. With a sickeningly sweet severance package, so I don't get any ideas.
  24. If at all possible; breaking glass will be cued to the security systems, the room where the glass broke will be locked down. If it is someone who just dropped the coffee pot, well, no harm done. But I don't want The Klutz working in my alien HQ.
  25. I will have scanners of some type at the front door that are capable of detecting secretly planted bombs. If I don't have the technology for this, that means I don't have security.
  26. Rather than just having a single, all purpose, password I will use a system of passwords. Each person will have more than one, unique to them, one of which will mean "I am being forced to do this".

Recruiting and Personnel

  1. My organisation will be large and inclusive, not A Half Dozen Guys In A Basement.
    • If I absolutely must have an organization made up of half a dozen people in a basement, I'll recognize that it's easy to entirely take out, and will have emergency resources and procedures in place for surviving agents. These will at a minimum include money, weapons, a list of contacts, and a password encrypted DVD holding information that may be useful in an emergency.
  2. I will recruit from the world's finest soldiers. As such, my forces will be able to use cover and avoid obvious hazards.
  3. Any humans who voluntarily get involved with aliens will be screened. Megalomaniacs and power-mongers will be killed. Xenophiles will be recruited. Any humans who involuntarily become involved with aliens will be dealt with on a case-by-case basis, but will at the very least receive a thorough physical.
  4. I will look everywhere for my agents. Often all a serial killer or bored Internet terrorist needs is a constructive outlet for his skills. Better have them in pissing out than out pissing in, after all.
    • However, I will make sure that said agents remain well-supervised and keep them away from any benevolent aliens who keep turning up.
  5. I will employ a large — I repeat, a large — staff of behavioural physiologists and behavioural zoologists. This will ensure that my troops can get therapy and I can immediately call on trained professionals to help me understand the possible mindset of any encountered alien.
  6. I will study the various invasion techniques from history. I will recall that the Europeans whose descendants now rule America did not arrive all weapons blazing, for example.
  7. Unless this is a cartoon or a movie, I shall remember that torture works (on humans).
    • But, when used, can often yield highly inaccurate or suspect information.
    • Torture will never be the first resort. The first resort is trying to have a decent, civilized conversation. Torture is reserved for openly hostile visitors, and never used to attempt to acquire detailed information.
      • Also, I will keep in mind that the threat of torture is often just as effective, if not more so, as torture itself.
      • I will also keep in mind that said alien may have many friends with long memories.
      • Having looked at history I will remember that no successful regime ever used torture as it primary means of gathering information. I will have sensible information gathering methods including turning, not torturing captured enemy agents. I will also bear in mind people will be less willing to turn in their alien-possessed children or report their UFO experiences if they will be tortured than if they will be helped/cured. the Gestapo were very good at convincing German civilians to collaborate willingly with them because they only used torture of targets most Germans found acceptable and hid those acts that would have caused them bad PR. Although successful they then lost the information war to the Brit's as they tortured and killed rather than turned SOE agents: I will learn from their example and instigate a “Double-Cross” system where alien spies will, immediately after capture and before any miss-treatment, get given the chance to work for me. The alternative will not bear thinking about.
  8. I will not randomly lock up very competent scientists without charge or trial because their parents have been held hostage and they've been forced to steal state secrets. Instead, I will offer them a job, as they have just demonstrated both scientific and espionage skill, along with basic loyalty instincts.
  9. Guards at my bases will be equipped at least as well as the regular army.
  10. I will presumably be running at least a small military and they will need training to guard my facilities. They cannot do this concealed. As such, I will take care to have people assume that they are the local National Guard, not random people with guns.
  11. My pension plan and pay scale will be very good. The last thing I need is some scientist hawking xeno-tech for cash.
    • However, I will also hire a shady-looking someone to occasionally bribe my scientists to steal useless tech in order to weed out those who would be tempted. I will not get too damned clever with this, however.
    • If needed, I will hawk alien tech for cash myself. I will prefer sale of equipment with limited fuel/ammo/batteries that cannot be reproduced by the buyers, but only if there is a large on-hand supply of such. Under no circumstances will I sell anything with limitless use that provides new capabilities other than structural strength. I will also not sell any material vital to the use of alien tech I have integrated into mainline units.
  12. I am an equal opportunity employer. Ethnic slurs, as well as spur-of-the-moment xeno-slurs, are not to be tolerated. The last thing we need is a war because someone was compared to a water cooler. Or a pepperpot.
    • On second thought, the aliens that usually get called pepperpots pretty much have maxed out their propensity for war anyway. Insulting Daleks can't really make things worse.
  13. Related to the above: I will not assume that cyborgs and Half Human Hybrids are automatically evil. If they're sapient, they are capable of independent decision-making. I will treat them with the same respect as anyone else.
  14. I will consider that, however cool uniforms with berets look, helmets might be a better choice of headgear for combat operations.
    • In fact, I will not use berets as uniform headgear at all. They are high-maintenance and require two hands to put on. Patrol caps in the same camouflage pattern as the uniforms are much simpler for non-combat situations.
  15. I will employ several conspiracy nuts, and keep them under close observation. Admittedly, most of their theories will be nonsense, but sometimes a 300% increase in honey prices is important. They will be culled from the website I already set up in point number 3 above.
  16. I will employ several people in the media. They help kill any security leaks I have, and they get to have the exclusives on any non-alien scandals and threats I uncover.
    • Preferably, the majority of these individuals will be senior editors or producers, or even station or paper owners who actually control what is aired and printed, and not just reporters who submit stories in hopes that they will be printed or aired.
    • However, I will also keep a small cadre of hot, bisexual A-list investigative reporters in my payroll just in case one of the aliens has a thing for them.
  17. I will employ a group of competent accountants and lobbyists to make sure I am not constantly underfunded or on the verge of having my funding cut off by the government.
    • They will also keep an eye out for suspicious expenditures.
  18. If I reverse-engineer weapons, I can also reverse-engineer civilian goods. I can then get non-governmental funding from patents.
    • I shall remember that I am defrauding the government by trying to patent something which has prior art (even if secret). However, if we're the good guys, we might be able to get away with it.
  19. Any Artificial Intelligence will be treated as my equal and be kept under just as much protection and scrutiny.
  20. I will include as least as much oversight of operations as an average intelligence agency. More, in fact.
  21. Outsourcing is not in my dictionary.
    • Neither is Public-Private Finance. Unless our alien-tech business is the Private, and under our strict control.
  22. If I do decide to use reverse-engineered xeno-tech for civilian purposes, such as to provide cheap clean power, I will first predict the likely effects of such on the world economy. Nothing like destroying a major industry to plunge the economy into chaos.
  23. Rather than reverse-engineering alien weapons, the first thing I will attempt to recreate is alien sensors. That way, if titanic starships appear overhead, at least I'll know ahead of time.
  24. The planet Earth is unlikely to be more advanced than aliens. This means that we are unlikely to be able to compete in the tech market if we make contact. To avoid economic domination, I will make sure we are ready to push out art and culture to get some financial leverage. Amy Winehouse will be the first to go.
    • Likewise Alien imports will be subject to a punitive import tariff to protect earth’s industries. Laissez-faire free-market capitalism is all very well and good, but there is no place for the “invisible hand” of free-market wealth if the hand in question belongs to an alien power. It goes without saying that a good percentage of the cash raised by this tariff will go to my organisation and that we will have the final say in if any particular import licence is granted.
  25. I will have experts in mythology on staff. If aliens have visited us before, someone must have written something down.
    • And a staff of anthropologists specializing in prehistory, in case the aliens may have visited before the advent of writing.
  26. I will make sure large amounts of money are put into R&D for future generations. I don't want to find that my descendants in the 42nd century will still be stuck with M-16 rifles.
  27. Elite troops often have real difficulty adapting to normal life after they have to leave. I need as many highly trained experts as possible. This should be clear enough.
  28. On that subject, I'll let my employees leave my organization without being harmed. If kept under observation, they don't pose much more of a security risk than employees on the job, and forcing disgruntled employees to stay on is probably more of a security risk; mind-wiping them not only has ethical problems, but reduces morale a lot.
  29. I will maintain good relations with all other agencies in my field.
  30. I will develop a rich and varied after-work environment for my employees, especially those who have to be cut off from the world.
  31. I will also develop a very strict, professional no-nonsense work environment.
  32. As a consequence of the two above rules, sneaking off to have a quick one whilst you are on duty (and similar) is a Class 1 disciplinary matter. Aliens always invade whilst the guards either have their trousers down or are lighting up.
  33. As cabin fever is not desirable, all personnel assigned to remote locations will receive frequent relief, at least daily (monitored) contact with the outside world, and basic leisure facilities for use when off shift.
    • As they will often consist of 100% of my agents' contact with the outside world on these occasions, radio operators/communications officers will be encouraged to be chatty and informal after they have received all necessary info and will be asked to remain online for at least 20 minutes, with time available for at least half an hour.
    • Also, since internet access is limited (see above), I will shower my employees with porn.
  34. One of my revenue streams should be a games company. This has the now familiar screening benefits (see previous points), but also gives me the advantage of employing a group of people whose job it is to consider strange scenarios and who will be running forums, presumably, for people who do the same as a hobby. Some gamers can be dangerously fiendish.
    • I should also take a gander at NetForce: The Archimedes Effect. For those who haven't read it yet, the important part was the villain's use of an online video game to test ways to get into secure facilities. I will carefully weigh the pros and cons of this idea and, should the pros outweigh the cons, a similar system will be implemented.
    • I will also arrange for agents at the abovementioned remote postings to get prerelease copies (full versions, not betas) of this company's games.
  35. Keep an eye out for anti-alien sentiment. We don't want contact with a friendly species ruined by someone on our planet.
  36. Investigative personnel will wear casual clothing appropriate to the area being examined, and not black suits with sunglasses.
    • Unless, of course, they are investigating a science-fiction convention.
  37. I will investigate my superiors for signs of an Ancient Conspiracy, a larger, more sinister Government Conspiracy (than my job already implies). If my superior's name is Xanatos or they are suggesting some vague mystical crap called Instrumentality, I'm just going to shoot them all.
  38. I will hire Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman. I don't know what I'll do with them, but I'm sure they'll come in handy at some point.
    • Until I work out what to do with them, I will keep them busy.
  39. My organisation will have an official Devil's Advocate to ensure that we consider the alternative courses of action. His job will be to put forward alternate policies to the default in all circumstances to ensure we aren't overlooking something.

Working with friendly aliens

  1. I will learn to spot the telltale differences between intelligent species with whom I can negotiate, and beasts with which I cannot negotiate.
  2. I will try and recruit aliens if at all possible. I will take all possible security measures in dealing with them, however.
    • If conventional security techniques such as photo IDs are, for whatever reason, inapplicable to my alien ally (e.g. can shapeshift, can regenerate), I will make a note of this in his/her/its file, so our field agents don't waste valuable time going "But you don't look like him..."
  3. If I am lucky enough to have as a resource an advanced and incredibly knowledgeable alien who occasionally helps our organisation, I will request that he tell us as much about the most common kinds of alien threats as possible rather than explaining only when he meets them.
    • I will also arrange for some kind of contact method with him, as well as for anyone who he may have traveled with and trained up.
      • I will not treat people travelling with him like tagalong children. They probably know more about aliens than I do, and would likely make great recruits for my organization.
    • And I'll do everything I reasonably can to entice him to join the organization full time, or at least to be on priority retainer.
    • Failing that, I will hire a reasonably unobtrusive, but charismatic young woman who will "resign" from the organization in order to travel with said alien. I will be able to contact this operative at a moment's notice.
    • I will do everything in my power, and command my subordinates to do everything in theirs, to not piss him off.
  4. If the friendly and hugely powerful alien tells my organisation, more than once, that bullets are not the best way to deal with a problem, then I will have a team of competent planners come up with some less violent plans.
  5. If my incredibly advanced and intelligent alien buddy tells me that I cannot negotiate with an alien species, I will assume he is correct, but try anyway, just in case.

Weapons and operational procedures

  1. Rule Number One of Facility Security Operations: You WILL NOT fall for The Schlub Pub Seduction Deduction. Those who fail to remember this and survive the experience won't be fired. They will be shot. I apologize, but this is unforgivable in my book.
  2. All members are to be reminded that wandering off on their own is bad.
  3. In view of the fact that many aliens are immune to standard weapons, several forms of non-standard weapons will be on hand.
  4. I will demand pedantic and frequent radio protocol. If you send a message and do not get a “Roger!” in response, you are to assume that your message was blocked. Likewise, the only excuses for missing in a check-in are death, capture or incapacitation. As such, I will assume one of those.
  5. I will remember that human armies have access to a full variety of systems, including heavily armoured tanks, aircraft, bulletproof body armour, helicopter gunships, guided bombs and cruise missiles. For this reason I will think twice before attempting to counter any alien emergency with either light infantry or nuclear bombs.
  6. I will only ever use reverse-engineered or Earth technology for standard missions. If I cannot replicate it, I cannot predict, control, or fix it.
    • I will, however, break the above rule in emergencies.
  7. No unit securing a structure, especially the dark basement area of that structure, will operate in teams of fewer than 12.
  8. All units will contain at least one anti-tank level piece of equipment and one mass suppression piece of equipment with strict rules on their use. Thus they will never be forced to fight a swarming horde or a tank with small arms. Grenades will also be available.
  9. If one of my agents is travelling in a civilian vehicle fitted with some form of suspect device and it begins behaving strangely, he or she will park the vehicle and catch a bus.
  10. I will not commit crimes in front of highly moralistic allies, no matter how logical or necessary it is.
  11. I will not assume that aliens have the same mental outlook or ideas as humans.
  12. Emergency response plans will exist in case any of my bases are taken over by alien forces. These will not be known to all the people at said bases.
    • Some of them will be known to the people at said bases. These are only the ones that require or involve the cooperation of said people. One example of such a plan is RUN.
  13. All of my electronics and high level facilities will be up to code and meet Health and Safety regulations.
    • They will also include a high level of EMP and TEMPEST shielding.
  14. The first thing I will do in any area I think is under alien control is to check if the workers are hypnosis victims, zombies or alien clones.
  15. If newly arrived aliens turn out to be able to understand English, I will want to know why. They may have a very very useful universal translator, or they may simply have been here longer than they claim.
  16. My troops will be trained to call in for backup before investigating a strange area, not after entering said area.
  17. All important staff will be assigned their own bodyguard units during field ops.
  18. As of yet, no logical reason for a self-destruct sequence has ever been put forward, especially on a static building.
  19. It is my job to protect the planet. As such the governments of said world and the rights of citizens of said world are secondary concerns. They may complain, but dead people can't.
    • A world-spanning police state is therefore an emergency option.
    • I will, however, try to maintain good working relationships with terrestrial civilian law enforcement agencies if at all possible. Earth should not collapse because of a pissing match about jurisdiction. Also, you never know if you need an emergency source to research Emily Dickinson for you, so it pays to be nice.
  20. If I clearly can't win, I won't fight. Sometimes — no, wait, all of the time — you can do more as a heavily armed, well-organised and well-led resistance than getting slaughtered in a blaze of glory.
  21. In general, glory is a waste of life.
  22. For some reason aliens may want to invade to eat humans. This makes no sense based on size and time to mature, but if they do try, I will instead offer them a large stock of more traditional livestock, feed plants, and a manual on animal husbandry.
    • Also, aliens who want to invade to steal our water will be offered low-priced concessions on Saturn's rings or the Kuiper Belt.
  23. All guard posts will be manned by no fewer than three people, so that if one is in the loo and another gets shot, I still have one to raise the alarm.
    • Important guard posts, such as entrances and prisons, will include a deadman's switch linked to the alarm. If technology and budget permits, I will incorporate personal versions into the standard uniform and radio.
  24. Any equipment failures are to be considered an emergency until proven otherwise. Especially those involving security or communication systems.
  25. I shall employ competent electricians, industrial engineers, and members of other trades and professions to inspect and maintain my facilities. While I am head of the alien monitoring agency, I shall not regard myself as superior to the various industrial-hygiene codes, as they were enacted to prevent accidents that would have a worse effect on my operations than would simply complying with them. It is far simpler to ensure that my Ultimate Weapon is properly grounded and equipped with the appropriate number of fire extinguishers than it is to rebuild my entire base.
  26. Even if they are airborne battleships, I will operate all warmachines in groups of at least two, or at the very least give them competent backup.
  27. If unknown attackers suddenly descend upon the cities of the Earth and are then repelled by a second unknown group with casual ease I will not necessarily trust the second group.
  28. When meeting aliens, the security detail for any meeting will not consist solely of alien human hybrids, mutants or normal humans in case the aliens have some kind control power over one of these groups.
  29. While my military personnel is not a Legion Of Terror, I will keep in mind that some evil overlord procedures are still applicable to them. Also, The Universal Genre Savvy Guide will be a required reading.
  30. Named stars are generally bright. Bright stars are generally big. Big stars are generally unsuitable for life. Most of them do not live long enough for life to emerge in any case. If a race of aliens claims to come from Deneb or Rigel, I will proceed on the assumption that they are lying until and unless they can provide some kind of proof for their claim. I will bear in mind that if they are telling the truth, they are probably refugees from the imminent (<1M years) supernovae of their home stellar system and sending them back is not going to be an option. I will also keep an open mind in case the Rigel they're from is different from the Rigel we're familiar with. Though I'm gonna want an idea where that Rigel is.
  31. I will not assume anti-personnel weapons work on alien soldiers.
  32. I will issue dragon-skin body armor to combat personnel until and unless it is proven to be like unto paper against alien weaponry. If such proof arrives, I will immediately withdraw it from the combat teams, to be replaced with light anti-shrapnel armor and order development of armor that actually does work, using alien armor technology as a starting point if recovered examples prove resistant.
  33. Despite how sensible it may be, I will not follow through any plan to save the Earth that will doom our alien protector in the process if he may literally be moments from safety.
  34. If I capture aliens about whom I know absolutely nothing, I will not immediately resort to dissection as a method of information gathering; moral issues aside, this may result in my missing important intel such as "Earth is about to be invaded."
  35. If I have a scanning device that can detect my enemies if it seems to break I will not just let the people I used it on go.
  36. All base systems will have sensible backups. And by sensible backups I mean in addition to back up electronic generators and batteries, their will be a diesel geni on each floor, and rules forcing all operatives to keep a lighter on their keas and an butane lamp under their desk at all times in case the power does go out, and Guns in their desk draws, preferably revolvers in case we are attacked then, and, should Alien Tech Bane stop firearms from working, swords, preferably Katanas. And typewriters and hand cranked mimeographs so power-outages will not keep them from their paperwork: I am not an Obstructive Bureaucrat, but no-one would let people with the sort of powers my operatives will need have that much power without keeping track of it, electricity or no.

Medical

  1. All members must undergo a weekly physical examination to guard against alien infiltration.
    • These weekly examinations will NOT, repeat, not, be held on the same day every week. Preferably, they will be held no more nine days apart, or before four days after the previous examination.
  2. All members will have their DNA on record.
  3. All members will have a sub-dermal microchip fitted. This will not be for identification, but as a guard against shape-shifters or clones, as these can rarely replicate inorganic components as well (this will not be taken for granted either).
    • These microchips will be manufactured exclusively in house by a team of several dozen randomly selected engineers, to avoid them being used to infiltrate me.
      • These microchips will monitor their brain waves to tell me if thay are hypnotised.
  4. All politicians and high military commanders will be subject to the same tests as my personnel. Due to the great power that comes with their positions, keeping their bodies unchecked is a Very Bad Idea.
  5. Whilst dealing with uncatalogued organisms and chemicals, I will maintain a total quarantine of the area.
  6. Autopsy is the least efficient way to gather data about an alien's physiology and capabilities.
    • If I have to perform an autopsy for any reason it will be in a specially designed, entirely sealed, remote bunker with remote controlled robotic medical instruments and emergency chlorine gas dispensers and flame-throwers. Just in case.
    • All such procedures will be filmed using the best motion picture equipment available to ensure clear images. At the same time, a handheld super-8 camera with a dirty lens will also be used to shoot jumpy, poorly-lit, out-of-focus, scratchy footage of the operation, which will be posted to You Tube.
      • The cameraman for the above will be Uwe Boll; ensuring no one will take it seriously.
  7. I will develop a technique to find out whether people are under hypnotic control. That technique will be used regularly.
    • In addition, the people performing these tests will be trained to shoot or try to otherwise control those who turn out to be mind-controlled. This policy will be known by all employees, so they are aware of a risk. Ideally, all examinations will be performed in the presence of several already-checked armed guards.
  8. If I wish to use aliens for medical experiments, I will at the very least conduct proper animal testing to make sure that they do not have horrible parasites that hatch inside the victims, alien mind control or other side effects.
  9. All agents will have regular psychological checks.
    • From real psychologists with more care and attention than a school counsellor.
      • Due to the high security nature of most of the info they will be dealing with they will be among my most carefully monitored personnel, the chief counsellor most likely on my inner circle.
  10. Alien Sex is Danger Sex.
  11. There is no reason to even assume that human and alien physiologies are compatible. I will therefore not eat or drink anything until I have had a full toxicity scan run.
    • Likewise, I will insist on a similar test before allowing any food, drink or medication to be given to an incapacitated alien. The last thing we need is to kill a friendly alien because we didn't know they were allergic to, say, aspirin.
  12. My rules on using only technology I can replicate and understand goes double for medical technology. While formerly pregnant men can be useful leaders, if medical technology is the reason for the pregnancy, you're doing it wrong!
  13. No medical experimentation on my employees. Especially not without their consent. I do not ask for trouble.
  14. All medical techniques I do reverse-engineer will undergo testing at least as stringent as normal medicine before implementation.
  15. All visitors from off-planet will be quarantined before interaction with humans to protect mankind from extraterrestrial diseases. Visitors will be kept in a sterile environment and, if possible, vaccinated against common Earth viruses. The last thing we want is an interstellar diplomat getting killed by chicken pox.
    • On the other hand, in case of alien invasion, the first thing we will try is a water balloon full of those same common, harmless earth viruses and bacteria.
      • Or alternatively send a few ill people to the enemy home planet if possible.
      • I will also keep in mind that diseases that affect humans will not necessarily affect aliens. However, should these ailments affect aliens I will remember how much we hate HIV. And tuberculosis. And mosquito-borne viruses.
    • Also in the same thought process I will make sure that if said off-planet visitors have a foreign disease a vaccine for it will be produced immediately and distributed to the population.
  16. If my daughter dies of a mysterious illness, I will understand that it would be disrespectful of her sacrifice to forbid an autopsy. In fact, I will treat all members of my personal circle with as much care as I would my employees.
  17. Any staff coming back from missions or leave will have a full medical afterward.
  18. Any alien children discovered in mysterious spacecraft will be placed under the care of Muggle Foster Parents and will be put under proper surveillance. If they are Human Aliens, they will be told of their origins as soon as possible. However, annual visits to a doctor under my employ will be regularly expected.

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