"EMMETT CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN I AM READING PROUST!!!!"
Once upon a time, the obsession known as Twilight
was and is still a great source of parody around the Internet. Mid-2008, two LJ-ers by the names of saint_renegade and oxymoronassoc went on a RP-ing session that greatly exaggerated the characters of Twilight
, especially Edward and Emmett Cullen.
In short, Twilight
was Turned Up to Eleven
Icons and approval abounded, and in total five RP-ing sessions were posted, one official batch of icons, and many, many, many quotes.
Can be read here
- Actor Allusion: "NO I DO NOT THINK IT BIG HEADED TO THINK THAT I AM AS HANDSOME AS CEDRIC. IT IS JUST A FACT OF LIFE"
- All Men Are Perverts/All Women Are Prudes: Edward assumes that the kinkier aspects of Emmett and Rosalie's relationship are all Emmett's idea, since Rosalie is "TOO PURE FOR SUCH THINGS."
- Awesome Mccoolname: "WE ARE NAMING OUR KID EMMETTALIE IF WE EVER GET ONE...BOY OR GIRL, THAT'S IT'S NAME. IT'LL KICK THIS KID'S ASS. THE MIDDLE NAME IS GOING TO BE BASEBALL, THOUGH."
- The Atoner: Edward becomes this whenever he breaks stuff.
- Auto Erotica: Edward is horrified to learn that Emmett and Rosalie have had sex in his car.
- The Beard: Rosalie becomes convinced Bella and Edward are this to each other.
- Can't Hold Her Liquor: Bella apparently. This is likely just Edward overreacting once again.
- Canon: In Midnight Sun it turns out the Cullen's really do have family meetings. And Edward says himself in Breaking Dawn that he had a lot of time to pick up hobbies, since he wasn't involved with anyone.
- Character Exaggeration: Half - no, all - of the fun.
- Chivalrous Pervert: Emmett when he thinks Edward is raping Bella. "THERE ARE RULES."
- Comedic Sociopathy: Edward's tendencies toward stalking...and emotional abuse...and being pissy...
- Creepy Child: Renesmee. Emmett especially is creeped out by her power and the Wife Husbandry.
DUDE YOUR KID IS LIKE 8 MONTHS OLD AND MAKING GOO-GOO EYES AT THE DOG. I DON'T LIKE IT.
- Digital Piracy Is Evil: "THESE PEOPLE HAVE TO FEED THEIR FAMILES YOU KNOW"
- Dirty Mind-Reading: "YOUR MIND CONFUSES ME EMMETT, PLEASE GO BACK TO THINKING ABOUT FOOTBALL...NO! NO EMMETT I SAID FOOTBALL, MY GOODNESS. NO I DO NOT WONDER WHAT [BELLA] LOOKS LIKE NAKED"
- Emo Teen: Edward, to a ludicrous extent.
- Everything Is Better With Monkeys: Subverted when Edward flees to South America to deal with the break-up."VERMIN! LEAVE ME!"
- Family-Unfriendly Violence: How Edward sees Emmett's video-game habits.
"MUST YOU PISTOL WHIP EVERYONE, EMMETT?"
- Freudian Excuse: "THESE YOUNG WOMEN HAVE OBVIOUSLY HAD A HARD LIFE SO THEY HAD TO SELL THEIR BODIES ON THE STREETS."
- Homemade Sweater From Hell: Edward knits to get out his aggression.
- I Am a Monster: Word for word when Edward breaks Emmett's stereo and LET HIS CONTROL SLIP. And again when he uses the word "dick."
- Ikea Erotica: "IT SEEMS PRETTY SIMPLE TO ME, EDWARD" "INSERT TAB A INTO SLOT B"
- Intercourse with You: "NO EMMETT I DO NOT THINK THAT SONG IS ABOUT COPULATION."
- The Internet Is for Porn: This too offends Edward.
- Ivy League For Every One: At least according to Edward.
- Jerk Jock: Emmett.
- A Man Is Not a Virgin: Averted with Edward.
- Murder Simulators: When Emmett changes the music in the Volvo of Justice from Nickelback to 50 Cent, Edward uses this argument.
- My Girl Is Not a Slut: "NO I DO NOT THINK SHE HAS HAD CARNAL RELATIONS WITH MIKE."
- Neat Freak: Did you know Edward will scrub the grout on the bathroom with a toothbrush?
"THIS IS GROSS, HOW DO YOU WE LIVE LIKE THIS?"
- No Indoor Voice: All of Edward's lines ARE IN CAPITALS. Emmett's too.
- Most of the time. Sometimes the lines will revert to normal writing, which just makes it funnier when they go back to screaming at each other.
- No Periods, Period: Averted. Alice advises Bella on what to do for Edward's sake. And, y'know, Edward tracks Bella's periods.
- Not So Different: Emmett can rant and throw tantrums just as well as Edward when his buttons are pushed. Especially if sports are involved.
- Pretty Fly for a White Guy: Emmett.
- Punctuated! For! Emphasis!: JASPER I KNOW YOU ARE LAUGHING. I CAN READ. YOUR. MIND.
- The Quiet One: Jasper never says anything, though he's just as antagonistic toward Edward as Emmett is.
- Right Through the Wall: Rosalie is loud just to fuck with Edward's ship-in-a-bottle.
- Sensitive Guy and Manly Man: Edward and Emmett, obviously.
- Serious Business: Everything is this with Edward. Scrapbooking. Cleaning. Knitting. Everything.
- Sexy Santa Dress: Emmett tries to get Rosalie to wear one.
- Shotgun Wedding: "YES, IF JACOB KNOCKED RENESSME UP I WOULD MAKE THEM MARRY POSTHASTE. IT WOULD ONLY BE PROPER."
- Sophisticated as Hell: Given Edward tends to speak primarily in archaic patterns, some of the more casual words stand out a little.
- The Straight Man: Jasper is this to Emmett.
- Stalker with a Crush: Edward, though that is canon.
- Team Pet: Emmett refers to Jacob as a dog or pet.
- You Need to Get Laid: Edward really needs to get laid. (Though judging by the parts set after Breaking Dawn, it didn't help much.)