"EMMETT CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN I AM READING PROUST!!!!"
Once upon a time, the obsession known as
Twilight was and is still a great source of parody around the Internet. Mid-2008, two LJ-ers by the names of saint_renegade and oxymoronassoc went on a RP-ing session that greatly exaggerated the characters of
Twilight, especially Edward and Emmett Cullen.
In short,
Twilight was
Turned Up to Eleven.
Icons and approval abounded, and in total five RP-ing sessions were posted, one official batch of icons, and many, many, many quotes.
Can be read
here
.
Tropes:
- Actor Allusion: "NO I DO NOT THINK IT BIG HEADED TO THINK THAT I AM AS HANDSOME AS CEDRIC. IT IS JUST A FACT OF LIFE"
- All Men Are Perverts/All Women Are Prudes: Edward assumes that the kinkier aspects of Emmett and Rosalie's relationship are all Emmett's idea, since Rosalie is "TOO PURE FOR SUCH THINGS."
- Awesome Mccoolname: "WE ARE NAMING OUR KID EMMETTALIE IF WE EVER GET ONE...BOY OR GIRL, THAT'S IT'S NAME. IT'LL KICK THIS KID'S ASS. THE MIDDLE NAME IS GOING TO BE BASEBALL, THOUGH."
- The Atoner: Edward becomes this whenever he breaks stuff.
- Auto Erotica: Edward is horrified to learn that Emmett and Rosalie have had sex in his car.
- The Beard: Rosalie becomes convinced Bella and Edward are this to each other.
- Can't Hold Her Liquor: Bella apparently. This is likely just Edward overreacting once again.
- Canon: In Midnight Sun it turns out the Cullen's really do have family meetings. And Edward says himself in Breaking Dawn that he had a lot of time to pick up hobbies, since he wasn't involved with anyone.
- Character Exaggeration: Half - no, all - of the fun.
- Chivalrous Pervert: Emmett when he thinks Edward is raping Bella. "THERE ARE RULES."
- Comedic Sociopathy: Edward's tendencies toward stalking...and emotional abuse...and being pissy...
- Creepy Child: Renesmee. Emmett especially is creeped out by her power and the Wife Husbandry.
DUDE YOUR KID IS LIKE 8 MONTHS OLD AND MAKING GOO-GOO EYES AT THE DOG. I DON'T LIKE IT.
- Digital Piracy Is Evil: "THESE PEOPLE HAVE TO FEED THEIR FAMILES YOU KNOW"
- Dirty Mind Reading: "YOUR MIND CONFUSES ME EMMETT, PLEASE GO BACK TO THINKING ABOUT FOOTBALL...NO! NO EMMETT I SAID FOOTBALL, MY GOODNESS. NO I DO NOT WONDER WHAT [BELLA] LOOKS LIKE NAKED"
- Emo Teen: Edward, to a ludicrous extent.
- Everything Is Better With Monkeys: Subverted when Edward flees to South America to deal with the break-up."VERMIN! LEAVE ME!"
- Family Unfriendly Violence: How Edward sees Emmett's video-game habits.
"MUST YOU PISTOL WHIP EVERYONE, EMMETT?"
- Freudian Excuse: "THESE YOUNG WOMEN HAVE OBVIOUSLY HAD A HARD LIFE SO THEY HAD TO SELL THEIR BODIES ON THE STREETS."
- Homemade Sweater From Hell: Edward knits to get out his aggression.
- I Am a Monster: Word for word when Edward breaks Emmett's stereo and LET HIS CONTROL SLIP. And again when he uses the word "dick."
- Ikea Erotica: "IT SEEMS PRETTY SIMPLE TO ME, EDWARD" "INSERT TAB A INTO SLOT B"
- Intercourse with You: "NO EMMETT I DO NOT THINK THAT SONG IS ABOUT COPULATION."
- The Internet Is for Porn: This too offends Edward.
- Ivy League For Every One: At least according to Edward.
- Jerk Jock: Emmett.
- A Man Is Not a Virgin: Averted with Edward.
- Murder Simulators: When Emmett changes the music in the Volvo of Justice from Nickelback to 50 Cent, Edward uses this argument.
- My Girl Is Not a Slut: "NO I DO NOT THINK SHE HAS HAD CARNAL RELATIONS WITH MIKE."
- Neat Freak: Did you know Edward will scrub the grout on the bathroom with a toothbrush?
"THIS IS GROSS, HOW DO YOU WE LIVE LIKE THIS?"
- No Indoor Voice: All of Edward's lines ARE IN CAPITALS. Emmett's too.
- Most of the time. Sometimes the lines will revert to normal writing, which just makes it funnier when they go back to screaming at each other.
- No Periods, Period: Averted. Alice advises Bella on what to do for Edward's sake. And, y'know, Edward tracks Bella's periods.
- Not So Different: Emmett can rant and throw tantrums just as well as Edward when his buttons are pushed. Especially if sports are involved.
- Pretty Fly for a White Guy: Emmett.
- Punctuated! For! Emphasis!: JASPER I KNOW YOU ARE LAUGHING. I CAN READ. YOUR. MIND.
- The Quiet One: Jasper never says anything, though he's just as antagonistic toward Edward as Emmett is.
- Right Through the Wall: Rosalie is loud just to fuck with Edward's ship-in-a-bottle.
- Sensitive Guy and Manly Man: Edward and Emmett, obviously.
- Serious Business: Everything is this with Edward. Scrapbooking. Cleaning. Knitting. Everything.
- Sexy Santa Dress: Emmett tries to get Rosalie to wear one.
- Shotgun Wedding: "YES, IF JACOB KNOCKED RENESSME UP I WOULD MAKE THEM MARRY POSTHASTE. IT WOULD ONLY BE PROPER."
- Sophisticated as Hell: Given Edward tends to speak primarily in archaic patterns, some of the more casual words stand out a little.
- The Straight Man: Jasper is this to Emmett.
- Stalker with a Crush: Edward, though that is canon.
- Team Pet: Emmett refers to Jacob as a dog or pet.
- You Need to Get Laid: Edward really needs to get laid. (Though judging by the parts set after Breaking Dawn, it didn't help much.)
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