I'm assigned to three different Japanese middle schools. The grade levels are ichinensei,
ninensei, and sannensei. These translate to "1st years," "2nd years," and "3rd years," and are
equivalent to American 7-9th grades. So the kids are about 12-15 years old. The ichinensei are
just beginning to learn English. So this means they know nothing. Well, they know "Good
Morning" and "I go to school by bike" but that's about it. Some of them don't even know that.
You know what's kind of funny though? Some kids can't yet say "Good morning" but damn near all
of them can ask if I have a big dick. Or "bigu dikku" in Engrish.
Gaijin
Smash Chronicles
is the story of Jeffrey "Azrael" Windham, an African-American who moved to Japan as part of the JET teacher exchange program. It originally started as a blog called
I Am A Japanese Schoolteacher, about his experiences teaching English at two middle schools in a Japanese town, but has since moved to its own domain and going further into his experiences as a foreigner in the Land of the Rising Sun, even after he moved on from that job.
The term Gaijin Smash is about the "ability" foreigners—especially
large foreigners—in Japan seem to have that allows them to often ignore certain customs (and at one point, jump a train turnstile without paying) through sheer force of will and/or
Refuge in Audacity (doubly so for Az, given that he's seen as a
Scary Black Man by default). In other words, a weaponized form of
Eagleland.
In June 2010, the blog switched names to the "Gaijin Chronicles".
Gaijin Smash provides examples of:
- Arch-Enemy: "Watson". Kid spends three years of his junior high school life pretty much constantly attacking Az's butt/penis whenever possible; when Az questions him on this, he responds "Honestly, does it even matter at this point?"
- Ass Shove: Kancho.
- Butt Monkey: Az's opinion of himself. "I’m am officially God’s court jester or something."
- Comic Sutra: The Octopus
- Cuteness Proximity
- Dirty Old Woman
- Funny Foreigner: As of November 2009 Az has done some sketch comedies on Japanese programs that require one of these.
- Groin Attack: It's bad enough that Az's kids have heard of the "black guys/big penises" stereotype. At least a couple of the more adventurous ones try to grab his trouser snake.
- Hospital Hottie: Hot Nurse.
- Hot Dad: One of Az's female coworkers testified that she couldn't look Ultimate Sweetness's father (see I'm Taking Her Home with Me! below) in the eyes without getting all faint in the knees. Said father is also a national-level judo champion and built his family's house himself. Az comments on how impossible their family sounds.
- Kawaiiko: Ultimate Sweeetness. Az claims it's something like penguin-suit Chiyo-chan, times ten.
- I'm Taking Her Home with Me!: Az jokes that one of his students is so adorable he'd want to kidnap her. Fortunately his fellow teachers don't take it too seriously, he even comments that if he did, the police would just find them having a tea party and nothing else.
- It Makes Sense in Context: "You are a 12-year-old Japanese boy being held off the ground by a large black man who is bound and determined to penetrate your ass."
- Likes Older Women: Azrael.
- Marshmallow Hell: Az gets one of these from behind from one of his 15-year-old students. Unfortunately, he makes the mistake of turning his head to see what's pressed up against it.
- Meganekko: Ms. Americanized is a subversion. She looks like a Meganekko, but she's pretty much the opposite of a Shrinking Violet, having gained her nickname in part from being outspoken and vulgar even by American standards.
- Never Mess with Granny: Many, many examples. According to Az, they are the most powerful force in Japan. Especially if that Mount Fuji story is anything to go by.
- Nice Guy: Well...
- The Nicknamer: Az himself. See Only Known by Their Nickname. His real first name is known (it's Jeff), but almost never used.
- "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer: You could almost make a drinking game out of it, though usually reserved for "Japan's weird did you know that?" entries.
- Not What It Looks Like: The pic in this article, taken with the same girl from the Marshmallow Hell incident above.
- Occidental Otaku: Subverted; Azrael had/has some otaku-ish interests, but he either grew out of them or has to be discreet about them. At one point (after getting married), he mentions that he has to sneak out of the house to see the Rebuild of Evangelion movies.
- Only Known by Their Nickname: With the exception of Moeko, pretty much everybody, for anonymity's sake.
- Overprotective Dad: Ever since finding out he will be having a daughter, Az has been figuring out how to smuggle rocket launchers into Japan just in case.
- Platonic Life Partners: Several readers insisted that Az hook up with Ms. Americanized, to the point that he had to specifically tell them not to (besides, she was already dating someone else).
- Romantic Two-Girl Friendship: Ultimate Sweetness and her best friend.
- Take Our Word for It: "The Octopus."
- Very Special Episode: Bullying Chapter.
- Worthy Opponent: Good luck, kid.◊
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