A Date with Rosie Palms

"I implore you. I implore all women everywhere on behalf of all men. Do not take the wrongness of masturbation from us!"
Steve, Coupling

Most people masturbate, although it's not something you'd bring up in polite conversation. However, it's given quite a different treatment in fiction. Unlike Nobody Poops or No Periods, Period (where the function is simply not mentioned because it would be Nausea Fuel), masturbation in fiction often fits into a few different categories:

Of course, there's a pretty valid reason why "normal" masturbation isn't depicted very often — it's actually quite a mundane and meaningless thing (see People Sit on Chairs). There aren't many ways that masturbation could advance the plot of a story, and because it's generally a solitary activity, there usually won't be any character interaction involved.

Also note that male masturbation is used far more often than female (except in porn, for the above-mentioned reasons)... though that's not to say that female masturbation isn't given any attention in fiction (the "Rumpelstiltskin" tale supposedly had the original message, "women who masturbate become infertile"). In older media, expect references to hairy palms and/or blindness, two widespread myths used to keep boys from masturbating.

List of masturbation tropes:

Examples from Teen Fiction

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    Anime & Manga 
  • In The End of Evangelion, Shinji does this over Asuka's comatose body. With an indescretion shot of his creamed hand... yeech!
  • One very disturbed individual in Shigurui (that is, more disturbed than all the other batshit characters) performed auto-fellatio while thinking about the dead young man he was out to avenge.
  • Code Geass. Nina Einstein, the local Shrinking Violet, to a picture of her crush, using the edge of a table. Though she is quite Yandere, she was perfectly sane at the time, and she doesn't actually have the massive Freak-Out until later, after said crush's very unfortunate death. The fandom's reaction to the scene? Squick, Memetic Mutation, Hate.
  • Satou from Welcome to the N.H.K. is shown to reach for a tissue every now and then, and after discovering that there's lolicon on the internet, he is shown surrounded by empty tissue boxes. In the manga, this goes further — his porn obsession eventually leads him to build a massive customized rig just for pornography, complete with cavernous hard-drive, several monitors, high-fidelity headphones and a leather massage chair. In his parents' spare bedroom. Needless to say, it does not end well.
  • In Gankutsuou, Héloise is shown masturbating while thinking about the Count and the poison ring he gave her. Squick.
  • Both husband Makoto and wife Yura are shown to do this in Futari Ecchi. Makoto does it out of frustration at not having been able to have sex with Yura for several days. Yura does it on her sister's advice to teach herself "what feels good."
  • Farnese in Berserk is shown to be turned on by people burning alive to the point where she spends some "alone time" thinking very hard about that. Berserk is like that.
  • Konuma Ryuuko of Wolf Guy - Wolfen Crest is a nymphomaniac middle-schooler with what appears to be profound psychological damage from repeated rapes in her past, but she's such a nihilistic sociopath that even this isn't enough to make her sympathetic. Notable acts include breaking into the protagonist's apartment to masturbate and (unsuccessfully) seduce him, and climaxing on a school rooftop after a bloody shooting.
  • Full Metal Panic! has Gates, who's an Ax-Crazy rapist Lolicon that is shown to masturbate to animal nature videos.
  • Ichi the Killer has one of the most Squick-tastic examples ever. Ichi cuts his palm with a knife and masturbates to the sight of his favorite prostitute being beaten and raped by her husband.
  • Serial Experiments Lain: Lain's friendship with Alice breaks down when one of the Lains spreads rumors around school that she likes to fantasize about a certain teacher while "playing with herself".
  • In the beginning of Midori Days, Seiji bemoans this being his fate, as his badass Delinquent status actually seems to make it harder to get a girlfriend. He specifically says being stuck "with his right hand for a girlfriend", then it happens literally. Ironically, having Midori on his hand effectively prevents him from masturbating, as she throws out all his porn. A few chapters are dedicating to Seiji attempting to relieve the built-up pressure, but Failure Is the Only Option.
  • Ax-Crazy Sako of Upotte!!! gets far too turned on by the heat of battle in episode 5 and fondles her magic spot out of pleasure behind a tree. Moments later, she masturbates, with the stuff visibly dripping off her hand- er, if anthromorphized assault rifles actually can do that sort of thing.
  • Implied in Death Note. L's says it's normal for a 18 year old boy.
  • In episode 4 of Kokoro Connect, Taichi tells Inaba a secret that he hoped to take to the grave with him after she reveals that she worries a lot and can't trust anyone. He said he masturbated to pictures of her, as well as Iori and Yui. Inaba seems shocked at first, but then starts laughing. At the end of the episode, she also reveals one of her secrets, she did the same thing with his picture.
  • Bird's Nest does this after running into Leo juggling for a crowd on the street in Copernicus Breathing.
  • Implied a few times in Wandering Son chapters, especially when the characters have begun high school. The protagonist in particular is prone to scenes that cut to a bathroom, after they've interacted with their girlfriend.
  • In the fourth episodes of the second season of Rozen Maiden, the dolls said that Jun is in the toilet reading "magazines."
  • The manga Onani Master Kurosawa. In translation: Kurosawa, the Master of Masturbating.
  • Pokémon fanfic communities refer to this as "Handshipping". On one board, there was an actual flame war between the Handshippers and the Otherhandshippers, leading to the obvious joke.
  • In Koe de Oshigoto!, Kanna is scolded for not doing this after taking home some examples of eroge... for training purposes, of course. What makes it funny is that she managed to... achieve the same effect without actually involving her hands or any physical stimulation whatsoever. Everyone else, like Motoki, are all straighter cases, and they use their hands.
  • B Gata H Kei features both female and male leads doing this; more often in the manga, and more often the girl. She states that there are two types of masturbation: the "good" kind, doing it to relieve frustration, and the "bad" kind, doing it out of boredom. She is then shown making a tally of the dozens of times she's done the "bad" kind in the last few weeks.
  • Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt devotes a whole episode to a tissue shortage that is disastrous because no one can masturbate. Turns out that the tissue shortage was caused by the Ghosts of wasted sperm.
  • Because Genshiken is a manga/anime about Otaku, it features the characters reading or talking about Doujinshi. Most Doujinshi are erotic, and the series alludes (or more than alludes) to several of the main characters (male and female alike), ah, getting use out of them for the sake of comedy.
  • Tajima from Big Windup has a habit of talking about his masturbation habits in front of others, much to the chagrin of his friends.

    Comics 
  • Y: The Last Man: Mentioned several times, seeing as virtually the entire male population has died. One women casually mentions the difficulty of finding replacement AA batteries for vibrators, and titular last man Yorick tells of one extensive 'session' where the government installed open-air showers outside a hotel he was staying in.
  • In the Aliens Vs Predator comic book, a Marine left to guard the base is told there's some petroleum jelly in the supplies "in case he gets lonely".
  • During Neil Gaiman's run on The Sandman in the early 90's, he was explicitly told by the editors that nobody masturbates in the DC Comics universe. In Gaiman's own words, "actually, that explains a lot. That’s probably why the characters all dress in tight costumes and go around thumping the shit out of each other."
  • The plot of the porn comic Small Favors opens with lesbian Annie being informed by an aspect of herself that she's exhausted her lifetime allotment of masturbation time. The photographic evidence supplied is a stack of photographs at least a foot tall... all of her masturbating at different times, all taken on the same day.
  • Lost Girls: Dorothy masturbates for the first time while a tornado is passing through her farm and dangerously close to her house. According to her, she didn't know what she was doing, but thought she was going to die, so why not?
  • Empowered: The title character does this a lot, as does her best friend Ninjette. In Emp's case, it's because her super-suit massively enhances sensation and increases libido; she mentions that she never even bothers with "Mr. Shower Head" since she got it.
  • Transmetropolitan: My name is Spider Jerusalem... I masturbate constantly and fling my steaming poison semen out the window onto your hair and food.
  • Horndog: Issue 3 has a strip that reveals that Bob has the ability to perform oral sex on himself.
  • Deadpool: One story ended with him having to honor an old bet he made with a classmate when he was younger. He had to give him a set of porn magazines. Wade apologized for some of the sticky pages and said they had "extra love".
    Fan Fic 
  • In the dreaded My Immortal, Lupin is caught "masticating" in the bath to a video that he and Snape took of Ebony. Later on she says that he "MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong)". (Yes.)
  • Neon Genesis Evangelion lemon fic A Glass Of Wine has Asuka calming an anxious and embarrassed Hikari that "taking care of herself" will get rid of her wet dreams since such dreams are indicators that her brain is craving for an orgasm. Hikari is initially against the idea (no surprise there, knowing her character) until Asuka finishes the job herself. For the cast's most innocent girl.
    Asuka: "Now if your smart you'll take doctor Soryu's prescription and apply liberally until the symptoms go away."
  • This fic by Dawn Felagund. This troper was inspired to rename one of the characters Johnny Appleseed.
  • A humourous fanfic by the creators of Bag Enders featured an adolescent Pippin being upset because his mother had told him kittens would die if he masturbated and he'd found a dead kitten in the garden and been convinced she was right. Merry gave him a kitten so he could watch it and stop if the kitten started looking ill to prove it wasn't true. Unfortunately, Pippin couldn't bring himself to do it with the kitten staring at him, so Merry ended up spending several evenings sitting in the next room and watching the kitten for him.
  • Shows up in The Best Of All Possible Worlds, as Voltaire mentions he often resorted to this to help him through puberty. This comes up when he finds out Celestia has cast a spell to pretty much unperson the concept from Equestria (along with the concept of murder).

    Film 
  • Vincent of Pulp Fiction spends some time in the bathroom psyching himself up to not give into the temptation to have sex with Mia Wallace (because she's the wife of his boss), and mentions masturbating to relieve the tension and "get over it" once he gets back home. But given Vincent's general track record of bad things happening when he goes to the bathroom during the movie, things do not end well.
  • In the movie Dogma, Rufus the Apostle attempts to prove to Jay and Bob that he's really from heaven:
    Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.
    Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
    Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
    Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
    Silent Bob: *shocked stare*
    Jay: ... Dude, not all the time!
  • In Young Frankenstein, as Gene Wilder's Victor boards the train from New York he overhears a married couple arguing behind him:
    Woman: Harry, he's been at it again.
    Man: So, what do you want me to do about it?
    Woman: Every day!
    Man: Let him! Let him!
    • When Victor arrives in Transylvania via train, he overhears another couple having the same argument... in German.
    • Later in the film, Victor is disconsolate after his attempt to re-animate the Monster is (he believes) unsuccessful.
      Igor: You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him, the things he'd say to me.
      Victor: (interested) What did he say?
      Igor: "What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?"
  • In Idiocracy, pornography is now common on normal TV. The channel is fittingly named The Masturbation Channel
    Frito: *Joe knocks at his door* Go away, I'm 'bating!
  • Comes up in There's Something About Mary. Mary tells her friends she doesn't need a man, she has a vibrator. Later, Ted's friend encourages him to "spank the monkey" before his big date. This doesn't lead to the main character getting caught with his pants down, but to the movie's signature hair gel scene.
  • In Being There, Eve tries to seduce Chance The Gardener; when he tells her "I like to watch" - he's referring to television - she proceeds to pleasure herself on the floor.
  • In Secretary, Maggie Gyllenhaal's character indulges herself while thinking of her sadomasochistic relationship with her boss. This causes many male audience members to later follow suit...
  • In Terror Firmer, the protagonist, Jennifer masturbates while picturing Casey shirtless, flexing his arms at the foot of her bed. Later, she learns the truth...
  • There is much pitch-black comedy in the viciously depressing Korean movie Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance (from the director of Oldboy). Of note here is a scene where four young men are seen masturbating together, their ears pressed to the wall to hear what they believe to be the moaning of a woman nearing climax. What they are hearing is in fact groans of pain from a young woman suffering from kidney failure.
  • In Zack and Miri Make a Porno, the two title characters have a discussion about male versus female masturbation:
    Zack: How come you get to be all Buck Rogers, having sex in the 25th century with Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, and I'm stuck with a bottle of Jergen's in the bathroom?
    Miri: Holy Bejeesus, tell me you don't use my Jergen's to whack it in our bathroom.
    Zack: No, you know what I do? I light a bunch of candles, and I sprawl out on my sheets, and I listen to Sting. No, I'm a guy. You give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to fuck it, like a filthy MacGyver!
  • In Kinsey, several people study a video of a woman masturbating to learn more about human sexuality.
  • In Human Nature, a man masturbates in front of another person, which is meant to show that he is unaware of society's taboos.
  • Very brief scene in L.I.E., in which we see Howie in bed—and only from the neck up, mostly—but it's obvious what he's doing.
  • In Woody Allen's 19th-Century Russian Lit parody Love and Death, his character meets a gorgeous countess. After a room-wrecking bout of sex she compliments his abilities - he shrugs and says "Thanks...I practice a lot when I'm alone."
  • In Annie Hall, Woody Allen's character Alvy and Annie are arguing and he focuses on a pretentious school course she's taking:
    Alvy: What's the difference? It's all mental masturbation.
    Annie: Oh, well, now we're finally getting to a subject you know something about.
    Alvy: Hey, don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
  • A scene around the beginning of Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay.
  • Clerks had an elderly customer ask Dante for a restroom, some soft toilet paper, and a girlie magazine. It didn't end well.
  • Clerks II had an inebriated Elias turned on by the donkey show. "I'm sorry, Jesus..."
  • Played for laughs in Brain Donors:
    Volare: Do you realize what I was doing at the age of seven?
    Flakfizer: I can imagine and you must be thankful you didn't go blind.
    Volare: I was dancing professionally!
    Flakfizer: Whatever you call it. Flogging the carrot, polishing the cuestick, choking the chicken, clearing the snorkel...
  • Crazy Stupid Love: Robbie does it while thinking of Jessica his babysitter that he loves.
  • In the Biopic The Runaways, Sandy West tries to masturbate, but complains that she cannot feel anything. Joan Jett suggests she think of the hottest guy she knows, but it doesn't work. Joan then suggests she think of Farrah Fawcett. After switching to a shower head it works.
  • The Simian Line: Samantha Mathis watches Cindy Crawford pleasure herself.
  • Diane Lane masturbates while thinking about her recent tryst with Oliver Martinez in Unfaithful.
  • Tracy Ryan is seen pleasuring herself in a couple of scenes in Close Enough to Touch.
  • Kim Basinger has a memorable scene in an art gallery basement, costarring a slide projector's remote control, in 9½ Weeks, set to the Eurythmics' "This City Never Sleeps."
  • The "sock scene" from American Pie.
  • The famous Caught with Your Pants Down scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Which was later homaged in the video for Stacy's Mom.
  • The first scene in Mel Brooks "History of the World, Part 1" ("The Dawn Of Man") starts with ape-men with a rising dawn behind them rising from sleep and then masturbating until they fall back down again, exhausted, all in silhouette.
  • In the film Real Genius, the plucky charismatic underdogs implant a radio in the braces of the pompous, sycophantic Kent. Kent thinks he's being addressed by the voice of God. At the end of one transmission, Mitch adds, "And Kent? From now on, stop playing with yourself!" Kent wonderingly murmurs, "It is God."
  • But I'm a Cheerleader: While poking fun at the ridiculous notion of a camp for curing homosexuality, the movie shows a couple of girls releasing their sexual frustration. The girls are all given small electric prods to punish themselves when they have "impure" thoughts; one girl gets creative with hers. And a short scene of the main character rubbing herself through her nightgown almost got the film an NC-17 rating.
  • The title character in Saint Ralph does this in a pool while looking at a naked woman's buttocks, without any hands. The water jet in the pool causes him to have an accident.
  • Fucking Åmål — Agnes' hand-down-the-pants scene while looking at Elin's photo.
  • In the action-comedy The Big Hit, one of the assassins doesn't even seem to know what masturbation is; he explains that he has been sleeping with women since he first entered puberty, and never had to resort to gratifying himself. One of the other characters explains it to him, and from that point on in the movie, he's shown using a grip-strengthener, deciding between bottles of lotion, and at the end there's a poster of him as "Customer of the Year" in the Adult Video section of a video store.
  • In Slackers there was a scene where a male character had to steal something from a female character's dorm while she wasn't there. After trying the door he was impatiently allowed in by the female character's (also female) roommate who was annoyed at having been interrupted masturbating. She continues to masturbate (quite enthusiastically) in the main room while he goes to the bedroom to find the whatever it was.
  • Cthulhu (2007). A flashback shows the protagonist and his friend as teenagers jerking off together under a pier while talking of the female movie stars they fancy; ironically it's a Ho Yay scene as both of them are gay, but presumably have not admitted this at that stage in their lives.
  • The teenage boy in Serial Mom. While his parents are being murdered, no less.
  • In the sex-ridden Y Tu Mamá También, the two male protagonists are quite open about their bodies and sexual functions together, and have a dual wank on the diving boards by the pool. A mysterious white liquid then falls in the water.
  • Very explicit in Ken Park.
  • The Invention of Lying: The basis of this movie is that everyone tells the absolute truth all the time. So when Mark shows up early for a blind date with Allison she tells him she's just been masturbating.
  • Mulholland Dr.: One of the more disturbing masturbation scenes comes thanks to David Lynch (who else?), as Diane (Naomi Watts) masturbates quite furiously while crying.
  • The Book Of Revelation: Another more disturbing example occurs in the Australian film. Daniel is captured by a group of anonymous women and, among other forms of sexual and psychological torture, is instructed by one of the masked women to masturbate. She then begins to masturbate herself, standing over him, before he defiantly tells her than when "every man masturbates, he only thinks of himself". Ouch!
  • The protagonist Marie masturbates in the French horror film High Tension after seeing her best friend Alex showering through the bathroom window earlier that night. Since she's listening to her walk-man during the act, this prevents her from hearing the killer get into the house until the murders are well under way.
  • Nick Twisp does this off-screen right within the first 30 seconds of Youth in Revolt.
  • The memorable 1979 sex-education film Am I Normal? is all about this. Hilarious in its well-meaning ineptitude, the film combines typical earnest sex-ed material with the story of Jimmy, a lad going through puberty. As just one illustrative example of the painful "comedy" in Jimmy's story, at one point he's at the library, where he has to ask a hard-of-hearing librarian for help by loudly exclaiming "I want to know about the male penis!" One patron is so shocked by this that his toupée does a flip-take, flying several feet up off his head.
  • The 1994 film Spanking the Monkey used masturbation as a thematic and symbolic plot device (as the title suggests). The young protagonist's sexual frustration as he cares for his convalescing mother is compounded by the fact that he never gets to successfully masturbate.
  • Lester in American Beauty is obviously depressed, and more than once mentions masturbation in contrast with all he hates about his life. His unloving Stepford Smiler wife catches him in bed doing what he calls "choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying 'hi' to my monster" because it's literally been years since she's deigned to have sex with him. The one time in the film they get close to, um, getting close, she stops it because she's afraid he'll spill beer all over her precious, precious furniture.
  • The feature film Serenity (based on the Firefly series) has a scene where a frustrated Kaylee gripes that "going on a year now, I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries!" Much to the dismay of most of the crew, who were standing near her when she mentioned this:
    Mal: Oh, GOD! I can't know that!
    Jayne: I could stand to hear a little more.
  • There's a scene in Mulholland Dr. where Naomi Watts masturbates angrily while crying. She's spiralling into depression and a mad jealousy, after a roller-coaster romance with another woman ( which may all have been a paranoid delusion anyway) leaves her feeling emotionally abused.
  • The remake of Psycho recreated the original virtually shot-for-shot... except that, at the end of the peephole scene, Norman glances downward, and the sound of a closing zipper is plainly audible. Kind of obvious in retrospect.
  • In Single White Female, the mentally disturbed Hedy masturbates after seeing her roommate have sex.
  • The scene in Pleasantville comes to mind. Some serious repression up until that point, to set a tree on fire.
  • In Velvet Goldmine, Arthur Stuart (played by Christian Bale) is caught masturbating by his father, and is kicked out of the house for his perceived crime. It's unclear whether the father just took a really dim view of masturbation in general, or if he noticed that his son was looking at a homoerotic image.
  • The original Shrek movie finds Lord Farquaad in bed ordering a disgusted magic mirror to show him the princess... again! Farquaad peeks under the covers as though confirming some pleasant surprise. The scene seems intended to make him more creepy and villainous.
  • In The Silence of the Lambs, Miggs, the prisoner in the cell next to Hannibal Lecter's, masturbates and flings his semen on Clarice Starling. It's this unforgivable "rudeness" that compels Lecter to aide Starling.
  • In Being There, the repressed and unhappy Eve masturbates in front of Chance when he says he "like[s] to watch," not realizing that he means it literally, and he calmly flips the channels on the TV while she writhes around.
  • In Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, the titular character masturbates (as seen by his shadow) in a hut after a close conversation with the tribal princess. He gets walked in on by the correspondent who accompanied him. His excuse is he was just "practicing my mantra" and will finish his "meditation" in 10 minutes.
  • Black Swan: Somewhat averted in that Nina's time alone is suggested to her by her ballet instructor (yes, it's that kind of movie), but Nina clearly has massive psychosexual issues.
  • In A Serbian Film, the main character's brother talks to the main character's wife about being single, and then takes a trip to the little boy's room to (predictably) masturbate. It doesn't help that at another part in the movie, a porn director talks about how the main reason porn is popular is so people can "cum into a napkin what they couldn't into a woman."
  • In one scene in A Clockwork Orange, Villain Protagonist Alex masturbates in his room after a night of "ultra-violence" while listening to Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, staring at his sacrilegious decor, and fantasizing about violent and satanic images.
  • Starinski experiences Death by Sex shortly after helping himself to a dead German soldier's porn stash and proceeding to, well, help himself in Deathwatch.
  • A character in Full Metal Jacket was nicknamed "Hand Job" for his habit of masturbating at least ten times a day. It's also an example of the "mental health/sexual frustration" variety of masturbation in that the other recruits referred to him as a "crazy fucker" and that it ultimately got him scheduled for a Section 8 discharge when he was caught doing it in the waiting room after being sent to see a Navy psychologist, and he ultimately would have gotten shipped out if not for him getting killed by a VC booby trap.
  • Jarhead. See the quote in the entry under "Film"
  • Not exactly the "military setting" described above, but: In The Right Stuff, the astronauts have to provide a sperm sample. The Battleaxe Nurse tells them, "the best results seem to be from fantasization, followed by masturbation, followed by ejaculation." So they head to the bathroom stalls, and the Marine starts humming From the Halls of Montezuma, and the Air Force guy joins in with Off We Go Into the Wild Blue Yonder...
  • Survival of the Dead: The female member of the National Guard unit masturbates openly in front of her fellow soldiers, because there aren't any women available.

    Literature 
  • In Stephen King's The Stand (the book, not the miniseries), Lloyd masturbated so he could sleep after the Captain Trips superflu killed everyone in the prison but him.
    • Harold Lauder has a couple of even more disturbing and squick-inducing scenes along these lines. Squick-inducing even for unrepentant masturbators.
      • This could belong in the mental health section above. The fat, homely and awkward Harold was nicknamed "Whack-Off Lauder" in high school from a rumor that he habitually masturbated into his pants. Throughout the story he gradually becomes more fit, attractive, and confident, practically thriving in the post-apocalypse world... but there are still disastrous consequences for the torment he was put through.
  • Another by King, The Dark Towers Roland Deschain provides personal compensation by stating the fact that even though he's missing a few fingers on his right hand (a previously fine tuned killing machine of a hand), it's fine because "I jack off left handed."
    • In a flashback, a fourteen year old Roland was planning to do this until he is called aside by Marten to show him that he's been having sex with Roland's mom. He tops off the scene by telling Roland "I hope you enjoy your hand."
    • In another flashback, Susan Delgado masturbates for the first time a few hours after meeting Roland.
    • The young, psychotic Detta Walker indulged in this while doing destructive things such as breaking plates.
  • Another King example, this one from The Talisman: When Jack meets the friendly bumpkin Wolf in the Territories, Wolf starts casually playing "pocket pool" in his overalls while explaining his role as shepherd.
  • In The Frog King Harry resignedly wrings out 'a wank only Henry Ford could love' while his girlfriend is drunk and in the shower less than five feet away.
  • Masturbation, ritual or otherwise, is a running joke in the Complete World Knowledge series.
  • In The Shockwave Rider, Nick Haflinger moves into company housing of his new employer. He notes a kit which seems standard for such housing in the future. It contains videos, a mask with scents, and a device which women can leave pushed out and men can push in...or not. He reminds himself that he should use it a few times...but not too often. As the company will be making note of it.
  • James Joyce's Ulysses.
  • Mother's Younger Brother does this in E.L. Doctorow's Ragtime.
  • Rabbit and his wife do this together in John Updike's Rabbit Redux.
  • "Guts", the infamous first story from ''Haunted 2005 deals with stories of masturbation gone horribly, horribly wrong. Considering who it's written by, it's not really a surprise.
  • A female example in the Night Huntress books. Cat is just beginning to accept her own sexuality. A few hours after making out with her love interest, she takes a bath and accidentally touches herself. Then she does it on purpose, and then she starts to get really into it.
  • A weird version in The Red Tent. In the time that the book takes place, when girls get their first period their female relatives have a ceremony for them and uses a goddess statue to break their hymen. The main character Dinah actually has an orgasm.
  • In Isaac Asimov's The Gods Themselves, a race of parallel universe is featured which can (to an extent) control their own density and are having sex by merging with each other. Alternately, they can use the decreased density to either pull the tips of their limbs through each other (the feeling afterwards was described by someone as "nicely sleepy") or by trying to merge with a rock. To those who still don't get the analogy, the latter is called rock-rubbing. Both are considered socially unacceptable.
  • Deenie: A book by Judy Blume, the title character mentions touching her "special place" and wondering if that's why she developed scoliosis. Blume said that a principal banned the book from his school library, saying he might've allowed it if the character were a boy.
    • Similar passages in Blume's Then Again, Maybe I Won't have made the book a favorite target of censors. Or perhaps it's because of the boy protagonist's nocturnal activities.
  • In Tales of the Otori, sexuality in general is given generally pragmatic treatment: occasionally it's an important part of the plot, but for the most part it's just in the background of the characters' lives. As such, masturbation is mentioned, but only... off-handedly.
  • Skinny has a rather squicky scene where a young girl masturbates while in the tub.
  • In Robert A. Heinlein's To Sail Beyond the Sunset, a wife, who has an open relationship with her husband, asks him over the phone if he's going to pick up a woman that night, and he admits he's too tired, it will just be "mother thumb and her four daughters."
  • Portnoy's Complaint: The titular complaint is that, apparently, Jewish men aren't supposed to masturbate.
  • Anatomy Of A Boyfriend: The main character is unable to experience "the big O" with her high school sweetheart. So after they break up, her friend buys her a personal massager. It's not for her back.
  • Mentioned very matter-of-factly in both the book and movie version of Jarhead.
    Swoff: Suggested techniques for the Marine to use in the avoidance of boredom and loneliness: Masturbation. Rereading of letters from unfaithful wives and girlfriends. Cleaning your rifle. Further masturbation. Rewiring Walkman. Arguing about religion and meaning of life. Discussing, in detail, every woman the Marine has ever fucked. Debating differences, such as Cuban vs. Mexican, Harleys vs. Hondas, left- vs. right-handed masturbation. Further cleaning of rifle. Studying of Filipino mail order bride catalog. Further masturbation...
  • Lawrence Waterhouse from Neal Stephenson's Cryptonomicon spends one chapter complaining to himself about how his sex drive is inversely connected to his math skills. He comes up with a technological euphemism: "Manual Override". There are even graphs.
    • Actually, there's so much (not illogical) technical language in that section that by the time the plot resumes the reader has almost forgotten that the topic is types of sexual experience.
  • While Liir is in the Household Guard in Son of a Witch, it is noted that he doesn't masturbate... much.
  • On the other hand masturbating during guard duty is strongly discouraged in the novel Beaufort by Ron Leshem, about an Israeli Defense Force outpost in southern Lebanon.
  • Pops up in Lord John And The Succubus, where one officer uses the euphemism "boxing the Jesuit", and their Austrian hosts don't get it. Lord John has to explain by way of hand gesture.
  • Mentioned in All Quiet on the Western Front. Notably, how all the impoverished Russian POWs had even stopped masturbating.
  • Mentioned in the novel Flight of the Intruder
    Seaman: "I've beat off so many times in the shower that I get a hardon every time it rains!"
  • Mentioned in the Black Hawk Down novel, but I don't remember if it's in the movie or not.
  • When Ciaphas Cain and his aid Jurgen get stuck on an escape pod for three weeks, Ciaphas spends time at sword practice and Jurgen locks himself in the cockpit and entertains himself in ways Ciaphas prefers not to muse over. Hint: Jurgen is an established connoisseur of porno slates.
  • A subversion appears in a somewhat obscure POW narrative from WWII called Yanks Don't Cry. When the camp doctor claims the mass outbreak of night blindness is being caused by masturbation, all of the men are horrified by the very suggestion that they could be masturbating. This may be because the author didn't want to admit to whacking off when the book was published in 1947, or have more to do with the prevailing attitudes towards masturbation at the time. At any rate, he mentions the burning envy every man felt for one inmate's ability to have lucid wet dreams whenever he wanted.
  • A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway. The Italian officers in the mess tease the priest (who doesn't go to the brothel) by saying: "Priest every night, five against one!"

  • Masturbating due to a lack of social life is a running gag in The Areas of My Expertise.
  • In the novel and movie Little Children; Ronnie, who is a registered sex offender and pedophile, goes on a date with a cohort to suppress his urges, then he feels so awkward being with her that he drives to a playground and masturbates in front of her.
  • In A Confederacy of Dunces, the overweight, unemployed, Unsympathetic Comedy Protagonist Ignatius Reilly masturbates in one scene while fondly remembering his dead dog. Ew. Later on, his stained bedsheets make an appearance as a protest banner, which, not surprisingly, no one wants to touch.
  • The book Fools Die mentions the ex-wife of one of the characters is advised by her psychiatrist to set aside some alone time each day to use a vibrator. Everyone in the house, including the children, refer to it as the "Happy Hour."

    Live-Action TV 
  • An episode of Rob Brydon's comedy-drama series Human Remains has Rob playing a man whose compulsive masturbation apparently stems from the loss of his mother.
  • There are constant jokes at Richard's expense in Bottom to show how pathetic he is (he is, in fact, a wanker). He even called his autobiography: "Richard Richard: I Did it My Way. On My Own. Quite a Lot. Now I've got a Sore Hand."
  • There's an EXTREMELY uncomfortable example of female masturbation in season two Skins. Maxxie's stalker Sketch breaks into his house, sneaks into his room, fondles and smells his underwear, and proceeds to masturbate on his bed. When Maxxie comes home unexpectedly early, she quickly hides under his bed — where she stays for the rest of the night.
  • In a 30 Rock episode, Frank mentions he has plans for Valentine's night. When asked with who, he replies "nobody".
  • Firefly: "I'll be in my bunk." It must be *ahem* hard for Jayne, being trapped on that ship with Inara, Kaylee, Zoe, and River, and not able to touch any of them.
  • True Blood. After drinking vampiric blood to heal herself, Sookie has her libido amped up, and she begins to stroke herself at night. In a later scene she's seen rubbing herself through her shorts to satisfy her lust.
    • Jason however, has a much worse run in with vampire blood. He overdosed, and he didn't need healing, so it all went to his libido. He jacked off until he developed a sore on his hand, and finally had to go to a doctor to deflate his penis.
  • When a character on Bones swears off men, her unsatiated libido compels her to hit on any male she meets. To quell her advances, one of her co-workers brings his psychiatrist girlfriend to the lab, who quite sensibly recommends some solitary release as an alternative.
    • When Mr. Fisher the depressed assistant gets in trouble for sleeping with a suspect, he replies:
    Mr. Fisher: Can I please keep my job if I promise never ever to have sex again with anyone, which, by the way, suits me temperamentally? I happen to be very self-sufficient.
  • Near the end of his dementia-ridden father's life, Mark Greene on ER had to stop his dad from engaging in public masturbation.
  • Played for Laughs in The Big Bang Theory when Howard, after seeing how good his robotic hand was and how real it felt while massaging his back, decided to gave the hand another use. That was until it jammed.
  • One of the Alien Nation TV movies makes a reference to Jocelyn Elders' firing when Susan worries that Buck doesn't have an "outlet" and wants George to talk to him about not letting his fluid build up. The Tectonese are more frank about sex than most Americans, so Susan doesn't see what all the fuss was about.
  • Brass Eye reported a story about American senator Dale Lee Aggsby "Extracted his genitalia at a rally and manipulated them to issue" "Several quarts of reproductive mucous were expelled rhythmically into the crowd". It seemed he suffered from Prestodidwick's Congina, a rare blood disorder which causes involuntary erective pressure.
  • The crew of Red Dwarf generally don't have much choice about this, there seldom being any women around:
    Cat: You mean after all this, I still haven't got a date? Damn! Another year when I have to send a Valentine's card to my hand!

    Rimmer (On learning he has (briefly) become alive again): Kryten! Unpack Rachel, and get out the puncture repair kit!

    Fem!Rimmer: How could you even contemplate making love to yourself?
    Rimmer: Well, why break the habit of a lifetime?
  • In Mad Men, Betty Draper leans against a running washing machine and orgasms while fantasizing about a door-to-door salesman who had visited the day before. (She's sexually frustrated because her husband is rarely home, and when he is he often claims to be too tired. The real reason? Like any self-respecting early-'60s executive, he has multiple girls on the side.)
  • This was combined with A Man Is Not a Virgin into a Running Gag for Bud Bundy and his pathetic, increasingly desperate attempts to get laid on Married... with Children. Getting caught doing this in the library resulted in an episode-long Crowning Moment of Funny in the ninth season.
    • Bud isn't the only one. Peg has made countless references to having to finish sex herself after Al falls asleep, as well as using an obscene amount of batteries...
    • And her various shower-heads...
    • During the time between Steve and Jefferson, Marcy made a reference to "doing her taxes". Which is odd, as she has shown more than once that she can "get a refund" without even being touched.
  • Better Off Ted's obligatory sexual harassment episode nods at this:
    Veronica: Sheila claims you propositioned her for a threesome.
    Ted: Veronica, I work full-time and I have a eight-year-old daughter. I don't even have the energy for a onesome.
  • In Oz, Alvarez once masturbates in his prison cell and Ryan O'Reilly, a Stalker with a Crush Yandere for Dr. Nathan, does this while thinking of her.
    Keller: How many times can a guy jerk off in one day anyway?
    Glynn: I suppose it depends on the man.
    Alvarez: Will you keep it down?! Some of us are trying to masturbate!
  • Mentioned on several occasions but (unlike the frakking) never actually shown in Battlestar Galactica.
  • This is briefly seen (with a wall as a censor bar) and interrupted in HBO's Generation Kill.
    • One of the episodes is named "Combat Jack" for the Marines' masturbating after the adrenaline rush of a firefight.
    • The book itself actively describes Marines going through this; in one case, there's even a quote from one Marine who said he had to do it three times in rapid succession, and was worried something was broken down there.
    • "Hey, reporter! If you lay with your cock against the ground when a tank goes by, it feels fuckin' great!"
  • Family Feud: Questions that include a euphemism for "masturbate" are asked on a regular (at times, seemingly daily) basis. One common example is to the question, "Name something a squirrel does with a nut," to which an answer was "scratches it." ("Nut" being slang for a part of the male crotch, and scratch being the "masturbate" synonym.) However, the answer came up once during the Richard Karn-hosted era, when during an NBA Stars special, a contestant answered "masturbate" to the question, "Name something a teenaged boy could do all day?"... and it got him two points!
  • Tuvok rather guiltily uses a holodeck when he Ponn Farrs in Star Trek: Voyager. He balked at first and had to be talked into it. He did not go blind.
    • It was not mentioned when Reginald Barclay got into trouble for using the holodeck with simulated other members of the crew who (in his holodeck simulation) practically worshiped Barclay. It was merely mentioned that it was wrong of him to simulate them, but no mention was made of the obvious potential there.
    • In "Descent", Data mentions that he's tried to do this as he's attempted to explore his emotions, but to no effect.
  • Seinfeld infamously built an entire episode around a bet over who could go the longest without masturbating, without actually using "masturbate" or any of its slang terms. That episode, "The Contest" made popular the meme "Master of your own domain".
  • Farscape. In "Sons and Lovers" Aeryn Sun suggests sex would be a practical means of relieving the Unresolved Sexual Tension between her and John Crichton, without all this weird human emotional-attachment stuff he's into.
    John: "You know what? I got two hands (makes masturbating gesture) I can alternate, I can release all the tension I want. I don't need your charity."
    Aeryn: "And I don't need your emotions. But we can have sex if you want."
    • In "Look At The Princess", John is pointing Braca's gun at different parts of his own body. Including, at one point, his hand:
      John: "My sex life! Kill my sex life!"
    • In "Coup By Clam", Noranti decides to use the vibrating apparatus she's working with for something it was not originally intended for. This left D'Argo, who was linked to her at this point, in an awkward situation. An odd case of A Date with Rosie Palms by proxy.
  • Chewbacca's dad Itchy is clearly cracking one off to Diahann Caroll during The Star Wars Holiday Special. While his grandson and daughter in law are in the other room.
  • A subplot of an episode of Black Books features Fran attempting to get off on the Shipping Forecast (no, not that kind of Shipping) because she finds the announcer's voice irresistibly sexy.
  • Discussed and shown every so often in Sex and the City, one of the more memorable instances being Charlotte's "addiction" to the Rabbit vibrator, necessitating an "intervention" by her friends.
  • Comes up quite a few times on Scrubs, most notably J.D. hurting his "me-time hand".
    • Also when J.D. says to Turk "Why don't you take care of yourself?" Turk responds he's only ever done that twice in his life. J.D. says the same but his monologue adds "If by "in my life" you mean "since dinner".
    • Dr. Cox also gives this advice to Turk:
      Dr. Cox: I'll be more than glad to tell you what a lot of doctors do to relieve the stress: Just take a little trip to "Palmdale."
      Turk: What?
      Dr. Cox: Okay. Give yourself the old "low-five."
      Turk: I'm not getting it.
      Dr. Cox: Physician, love thyself.
      Turk: Are you talkin' about down-town, Lester Brown?
      Dr. Cox: Lowers the heart-rate, releases the endorphins. It's basic physiology.
    • Elliot also discovers the joy of masturbating in one of the earlier episodes (thanks to Carla's advice about washing machines).
  • A reference was explicitly removed from an episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus: during the "All-England Summarize Proust" competition, Graham Chapman lists his favorite hobbies as "strangling animals, golf and masturbation", which forces the host to kick him out seeing as 'golf's not very popular around here'. The BBC forced them to remove the word from reruns, despite objections from the cast. "Everybody masturbates!" Terry Jones apparently retorted to the head of quality control. "Don't you masturbate, sir?" Unfortunately that didn't work, and most home video copies contain the clumsily edited version (though notice the subtitles include 'masturbation')
  • From a Hoedown on Whose Line Is It Anyway:
    Drew: Let me tell you, ever since I was thirteen / You've given me the best lovin' that I've ever seen. / Let me tell ya something, that I know you can't stand / I've been cheating on you with my other hand!
  • House has on multiple occasions made snarky jokes about viewing porn in his office and masturbating. Given most of the walls are made of glass one hopes he is joking. Being that he's House, who knows.
    • Appears to be true, and not just a House snark. At least we know from Cameron that he keeps his porn in the second desk drawer.
    • There's also a rather squicky clinic scene where House deduces that a toddler's symptoms are result of this.
    • When Wilson was staying with House he arrives at his apartment to find a stethoscope on the doorknob:
      Wilson: You said... you'd hang the stethoscope if you were having sex.
      House: I didn't say it had to be with another person.
      Wilson: [...] I was waiting out there for hours!
      House: Well, I need a lot of foreplay. And then there's the cuddling afterwards.
    • As of season six, we now also have House freaking Wilson when he walks into the living room to find House is "picking lint out of his belly button." Which he later happily admits he wasn't actually doing. In addition, in Private Lives his answer to Wilson's question about what he's doing that night is simply a gleeful "Masturbating!"
    • When House went bowling with Chase (in "No More Mr. Nice Guy"), he explained that this was because bowling isn't "one of the two things guys do by themselves." Chase, knowing House very well, asked what the second thing is... "Other hand," replies House.
  • In How I Met Your Mother, Marshall was worried about "reading a magazine" at work. Barney answered that he (Barney) "reads a magazine" several times at work. Barney was talking about masturbation, whereas Marshall was talking about taking a deuce at work.
    • Also in episode 13 of the sixth season, he's asked to do it in order to get his sperm checked by a doctor. However, it becomes quite difficult to carry out...
  • Johnny Vegas, on an episode of QI, joked that Kellogg's Corn Flakes were designed to prevent masturbation in young boys.
    Stephen Fry: Johnny Vegas, take some points!"
    Johnny Vegas: (surprised) "You're Joking!"
  • The UK's Channel 4 attempted as series of documentaries under the banner "Wank Week". This was met with the inevitable response.
  • and suddenly - phht! Bingo! You wake up. And you're lying there sweating, desperately looking for the tissue which you ''know'' is still in your pocket, and the remote control which is ''somewhere'' on the floor, and it's like walking in on yourself, you know? It's just like "What you doing?"
  • Mal alludes to masturbation in the Firefly episode "Our Mrs. Reynolds," where he comments that "no one but me's taken hold of my plow in a good long while."
    • Though she doesn't do anything visible, River also has an intense reaction to Zoe and Wash making out on the bridge in "Objects In Space," and, in the Big Damn Movie, she spies on Simon and Kaylee making love in the engine room.
      • "Ceiling River is watching you procreate."
  • In one episode of CSI, a 12-year-old girl is found to be sexually abused and her brother is suspected when his semen is found on her nightdress. He gets interrogated harshly but can't stick up for himself until Nick quietly takes him to the side and tells him that there's nothing wrong with masturbation. The brother then admits that the nightdress was the closest thing he could grab to clean up after himself but that he was too ashamed to tell the police this. It was her dad, who had also raped her.
    • In a more serious example, a peeping tom's activities kept escalating, which, according to Catherine, would eventually lead to breaking-and-entering and rape (they did.) The clue to this was that, while earlier he had limited himself to peeping and stalking, they suddenly found evidence of him masturbating at the scene.
  • Used in the episode "Out on a Limb" of Arrested Development. Lindsay notes that she has hit 3 climaxes in one night plenty of times. A flashback clip shows she is by herself during such
  • Nancy Grace asked what a caller would think the buzzing sound is on her phone as compared to Scott Peterson's when she covered his murder trial. One of the lawyers suggested that the caller would think it's her vibrator.
  • It's referenced a few times on Supernatural. The most blatant example comes in "I Believe The Children Are Our Future", where, due to the influence of the Antichrist, Dean winds up with hairy palms. His explanation? "Got bored. That nurse was hot."
  • A That Mitchell and Webb Look sketch features a pair of self-employed work-from-home types who meet at a party and, while their wives are getting the drinks, admit to each other that they've yet to fully overcome the 'have a lot of covert wanks while my wife is out the house at work' issue.
  • In a third season episode of Entourage, Johnny Drama is filming his first scene in a new television pilot. However, as the director keeps making his monologue longer and more difficult, Drama starts to have a panic attack. However, remembering advice that Turtle gave him earlier, he proceeds to release some stress. Of course Drama being Drama, he forgets to turn off his microphone and the whole studio crew hears him
  • The 10-year-old Sally Draper in Mad Men is caught masturbating (fully clothed) to Ilya Kuryakin while at a sleepover at a friend's house. Neither the friend's mother (who caught her) nor Betty was amused. It's possible she simply didn't know what she was doing, though - it's not uncommon for children younger than her to realize that touching yourself in certain places feels good, and it's likely the sexual education classes of the early 1960s wouldn't have helped to clear anything up...
    • In an earlier episode, the team try to find a way to advertise something that claims to be a way of losing weight, but really is actually a device for female masturbation. (Or, 'a way of simulating a man, without the man'.) When Peggy first tries it on and realizes what it is she is shocked, but by the end of the episode, she is seen looking at it speculatively and pulling it out of the box.
  • On The Colbert Report Stephen reacts to political candidate Christine O'Donnell's claim that masturbation is a form of adultery by marrying his hand, just to be safe. In a later episode he's shocked to realize that that might make him gay because he's been "doing it with a dude."
  • Outrageous Fortune has enough examples it could probably have it's own page.
  • In That '70s Show, Fez, Eric and Kelso, mainly Fez, have mentioned their fondness for hands-on love. We don't know about Hyde, but he voiced his support for the practice — when Fez asked how much masturbation is too much, Hyde responded, "There's no such thing as too much."
    • Nina, Fez's co-worker and later girlfriend whom he finally loses his virginity to, lampshades this by noticing that Fez's right hand is "stronger" than the other. Fez just says he's taken up fencing.
    • It's also mentioned, that Donna does it too, but she "makes an evening of it", with music and candles. Hyde wonders whether Jackie masturbates also, but he reasons that she doesn't, because "she won't even go to a self-serve gas station."
    • Kelso gets a job donating sperm at a sperm bank. The gang is in the basement sharing a bowl of popcorn, when he comes back from his job. He takes the bowl, dips his right hand in to take a handful then asks, "Who else wants some?" Everyone yells, "NO!"
    • In one episode, someone has been breaking into the record store, so they set up a camera, and they find out Fez has been living there.
    Fez: I thought I was alone...
    Hyde: I've known Fez for a long time. And if he thought he was alone, we need to turn this off right now.
  • Sid from Skins is shown masturbating in the pilot episode, although it's debatable whether he falls into the 'nerdy loser' version of this trope. Knowing Skins, there are probably definitely a million other *ahem* meetings with Rosie Palms within the show.
  • In an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffy herself alludes to masturbating to a friend in 5th grade. "I moped over you for months. Sitting in my room listening to that Divinyls song 'I Touch Myself'". Which she pretends to have not known what it meant at the time. Considering Willow and Tara "doing spells" together — well, they are into magic (and each other) - Xander says, "Sometimes I think about two girls doing a spell together... and then I go do a spell by myself."
    ** In season 7 Andrew has locked himself in the bathroom to edit his documentary on Buffy.
    Anya: For God's sakes, Andrew. You've been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing?
    Andrew: Entertaining and educating.
    Anya: Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?
    ** When Xander tells the others he's taking Anya to the prom:
    "Choice is kind of a broad term for my situation. See, it's either Anya or the sock puppet of love for this boy. (holds his right hand in puppet shape, speaks in silly voice) I love you, Xander. I'll never leave you."
    • Buffy's not the only Slayer to do this. In Chaos Bleeds, upon finding a stake Faith might comment on keeping it under her bed as a dildo. Ya gotta pity whoever that thing's used on after she's put it Lord knows where. The comics suggest she still does this.
    • Then of course there was the episode Hush where it looks like Buffy's idea of beating the Gentlemen is to beat them off.
    • Willow accuses Oz of doing this when he won't see her. Turns out it's because he's about to turn into a werewolf and he wants to protect her.
    • In the episode "Band Candy" all the adults are turned into children, and Cordelia says her father was doing this in the bathroom.
  • Blaine in Glee. In "The First Time" he is having a conversation with his boyfriend Kurt about sex. Up to this point, they have agreed on taking things slowly, but now they're exploring the possibility of doing the deed. When Kurt asks him if he's ever tempted to go there with him, he replies that yeah, he is, but "that's why they invented masturbation", implying as a bonus that he thinks of Kurt when he engages in such activity.
  • Rom of Star Trek: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: the sexually frustrated Ferengi had been giving himself Oo-mox.
  • In a spoof Very Special Episode of Roseanne in which D.J... * cough* figures out how his plumbing works and ends up spending over an hour in the bathroom, Darlene explains to their puzzled father (and the howling audience) that it means "...he's either really good at it... or really bad at it."
    • A similar plot was used in Weeds.
  • My Wife and Kids: Junior manages to "sprain" his penis from overuse on one episode.
  • An episode of The Hughleys had D.L.'s wife remark that their son's been taking two to three showers a day now, and must be "the cleanest boy in the neighborhood." D.L. and their neighbor exchange knowing looks, and the neighbor replies "or the dirtiest." The two men then use a series of artful euphemisms to gently explain to the mother what's really going on. Hilarity ensues through the episode, as with every appearance, their son says or does something suggestive of his new hobby, like furiously pumping a bottle of mustard to wring out the last few drops.
  • On The League of Gentlemen, Harvey Denton has a bizarre paranoia about walking into the living room to find his nephew, Benjamin, "shaking the hot, white coconuts from the tree of love", "conducting himself in a solo symphony", or engaged in any other of a slew of Unusual Euphemisms.
  • In The Young Ones, Rick has accidentally killed Neil. He buries the body in the garden, then can't sleep as his conscience reproaches him. He imagines himself on trial, then imagines some pretty girls in the courtroom pleading for him to be spared, then imagines them taking their clothes off, then he starts wanking off until his conscience yells at him to stop it.
  • In Parenthood the grandfather—concerned about the ecological impact of Drew taking five showers a day—decides they must have The Talk.
  • Degrassi as it already tackled No Periods, Period back in Season 1, had a plot in Season 8 over self-gratification. Jane admits to Clare and Alli she does own a vibrator, acting in a Big Brother Mentor fashion that being interested in sexual gratification isn't a bad thing, and it's a good thing to seek it from yourself. Eventually Clare gets 'the talk' she wanted from her mother over these subjects. She called it awkward.
  • In Black Books, Fran's subplot in the episode "The Big Lockout" basically involves her having a wank while listening to the shipping forecast because she finds the voice of the guy who's delivering it irresistibly arousing.
  • In the US version of Queer as Folk, Ted has watched so many porno tapes that when a customer asks the cashier of the porno shop for a suggestion in which tape to rent, the cashier directs the customer to Ted.
  • On Teen Wolf in the eleventh episode of season 2, when Coach Finstock is finally going to let Stiles, who is normally a bench-warmer, into a lacrosse game this comes up.
    Stiles: I'm playing? On the field? With the team?
    Finstock: Yes! Unless you'd rather play with yourself!
    Stiles: I already did that today. Twice.
  • Taboo: Cholmondeley asks James if Laura Bow is free for him to pursue, luridly exhorting that she's so pretty that she's not just someone he wants to sleep with but masturbates about.
  • Dear White People: Lionel in Episode 2 to the sounds of Troy screwing the women he has over one of them turning out to be Coco in Episode 3 - he manages to "go all the way" in the end of the episode.

    Music 
  • The Dresden Dolls song "Shores of California" says that "The girls are crying and the boys are masturbating" because guys want sex and girls want romance.
    • On the subject of the Dolls, the song "First Orgasm" is about a lonely girl masturbating on a Thursday morning and eventually declaring, "I think I could last at least week without someone to hold me".
  • From "Telepathy" by Swans: "I saw you through the window/Masturbating to the violence" (by the standards of M. Gira's work, this is a fairly tame example)
  • "Homemade" by Sebadoh is about becoming addicted to masturbation due to depression and loneliness.
  • "Touch of my Hand" by Britney Spears is about appreciating self-love in the absence of one's partner.
  • "Oops (Oh My)" by Tweet; she admires herself in the mirror while touching herself
  • Diva Destruction's "The Broken Ones" appears to be about this:
    Pornography exposed
    Innocence unrobed
    Masturbate your emptiness
    Fornicate your selfishness
  • Weezer's "Why Bother" is about giving up on romantic relationships due to fear of heartbreak, and briefly mentions masturbation in this context:
    But it's just sexual attraction
    Not something real, so I'd rather keep whacking
  • A lot of people thought the song "Holdin' My Own" by The Darkness was about masturbation, though the band themselves denied this.
  • The song "Unglued" by Stone Temple Pilots is about masturbation.
    • As is their song "Crackerman". Slightly more subtle than "Unglued" but still painfully obvious in the first stanza.
  • The Australian band The Divinyls has a song titled "I Touch Myself"; you can guess what that implies.
  • Ska band Desorden Publico has a song, "Manuela", who is half Intercourse with You, half this trope, down to the title (who is a transparent allusion to the way "Rosie Palms" is known in Spanish). To add controversy to the mix, part of the lyrics are taken from real letters that the Liberator Simon Bolivar sent to his lover Manuela Saenz.
  • Mexican Hard Rock band Cuca also has a song called "Manuela". Translated loosely, the first verse has the singer bragging that because of his ...habit, he "is a being incapable of being manipulated, because he's self-sufficient, and even believes he's intelligent"
  • There's an old Cuban song "Manuela no me pelea" ("Manuela doesn't fight with me"), about a man who lives a wonderful life because he can party late and his wife Manuela doesn't get mad and fight him. Anyone who doesn't get this—whether or not they speak Spanish—is officially living under a rock.
  • "Blister in the Sun", by Violent Femmes. ("Big Hands, I know you're the one...")
  • "Pictures of Lily", by The Who.
  • "Rosie" by Jackson Browne; it's pretty blatant in the chorus. "Rosie, you wear my ring" and "I got to hand it to me" indeed...
  • "Get a Grip" by Semisonic.
  • "Teenage Kicks" by the Undertones.
  • "Thinking About You" by Radiohead.
  • "Orgasm Addict" by the Buzzcocks.
    • Not as obvious, "Fiction Romance" also by the Buzzcocks. Giveaway phrases include references to "magazine pages," and that the fantasized lover(s) "can be yours just by taking hold."
  • "Vibrator Dependent" by Mojo Nixon.
  • "Praying Hands" by Devo.
  • "Muscle of Love" by Alice Cooper.
  • Chuck Berry's "My Ding-a-Ling" blends this trope with a bucketload of Double Entendre.
  • Billy Joel's "Sometimes a Fantasy" (in the context of phone sex)
  • Tori Amos' "Icicle" is about doing this... in church.
    • To be more specific, it's about her getting off to Jesus while her father is singing prayers downstairs.
  • Reverend Horton Heat's "One Time for Me" is about getting off on watching somebody else doing this.
  • "She Bop" by Cyndi Lauper.
  • "Touching Me Touching You" by Squeeze. "I'm always touching myself/ I've got nothing else to do/ And when I'm touching myself/ I'm always thinking about you...."
  • "Fingers" and "U + Ur Hand" by P!nk, with the latter song suggesting that jerks in the bar will have to settle for this, because she's not interested.
  • "It's Only Me (the Wizard of Magicland)" by Barenaked Ladies.
  • "Later Tonight" by the Pet Shop Boys is subtler than some examples here but still unambiguous.
  • "Imaginary Lover" by the Atlanta Rhythm Section. One of the rare examples of a song that's unambiguously about masturbation and managed to still become a US Top 10 hit (Yes, it was The '70s)
  • From "Weird Al" Yankovic's "One More Minute":
    I guess I might seem kinda bitter
    You got me feelin' down in the dumps
    'Cause I'm stranded all alone at the Gas Station of Love
    And I have to use the self-service pumps!
  • Implied at the end of Big Star's "Back of a Car".
  • Kunt and the Gang's appropriately-titled "Have a Wank".
  • Masturbation is pretty much the signature subject of British comedian Ivor Biggun, who has at LEAST half a dozen songs about it such as "I'm a Wanker", "The Wanker's Rock and Roll", and "Wanking Your Blues Away".
  • Green Day's "Longview". "Bite my lip and close my eyes, take me away to paradise...", "When masturbation's lost its fun..." , "some say quit or I'll go blind", and "I'm so damn bored I'm going blind", in reference to the myth.
  • Madonna's song "Secret" is clearly about this: "Happiness lies in your own hand..."
  • Aerosmith's "Shake the Rattlesnake".
  • "Zwitter" by Rammstein is about a hermaphrodite who is in love with hirself, and even claims to be able to make hirself conceive...
  • "Menage a Moi" by Chick McGee of The Bob And Tom Show.
  • t.A.T.u's song "Prostie Dvijenia" ("Simple Moves"). It's all about masturbation. Check out the music video sometime.
  • Jon Lajoie's "alone in the universe" is about nothing but masturbation.
  • "My Wena" by Bowling For Soup: "She's only happy when I'm holding her tight/Oh, my Wena/Take a look at my Wena"
  • Jellyfish's "He's My Best Friend", where lots of double entendre makes it clear that the "friend" in question is actually the narrator's penis (a couple of the more blatant examples being "my hand's a five leaf clover /it's palm sunday over and over" and "I pick him up when he's feeling down / I guess he's always been hanging around"). Funnily enough, the music is innocent-sounding enough that the song was included on an official itunes "Friendship Songs Mix".
  • Mindless Self Indulgence's song Masturbates. The name says it all, really.
  • "Boy" by Book of Love": "I sit at home at night, and play with my toys"
  • Captain Jack - "Little Boy".
  • "Guys Eyes" by Animal Collective appears to be about masturbating so as not to look like all the narrator wants his girlfriend for is fox sex. See lines: "I really want to do just what my body wants to, I really want to show to my girl that I want her", "I want to do what my body needs to, I want to show to my girl that I need her", and "I started using my mind, And I used my hands, It was what I want to do"
  • "Part of Me" by Tool.
  • The Gorillaz song "DARE" has been interpreted this way, although (like many Gorillaz songs) it's unclear whether it was actually meant to mean anything in particular.
  • The Decemberists' "Billy Liar." "Decked by a Japanese geisha with a garland of pearls," indeed.
  • Bawdy Song "Masturbation", to the tune of "Alouette":
    Masturbation, we like masturbation!
    Masturbation, we like to masturbate!
    (leader) How I love to choke my chicken!
    (response) How he loves to choke his chicken!
    (l) Choke my chicken!
    (r) Choke his chicken!
    (l) Masturbate!
    (r) Masturbate!
    [Chorus]
    continue with "spank my monkey", "bash the bishop", "beat my meat", "jerk the Turk" et cetera ad nauseam.
  • "Never Enough" by The Cure.
  • Subverted with "Jizz in my Pants" by The Lonely Island.
  • "Darling Nikki" by Prince from the movie Purple Rain begins out with "I knew a girl named Nikki, I guess you could say she was a sex fiend / I met her in a hotel lobby, masturbating with a magazine." This was the song that prompted Tipper Gore to establish the PMRC and require the Explicit Advisory sticker on raunchy recordings.
  • Elton John's "Jamaica Jerk-Off".
    • More subtly, "Tiny Dancer in my hand..."
  • Subverted by the video for Jessica Simpson's song A Public Affair, of all places. When Jessica and her hot friends come up to the counter to get their roller skates, the attendant reaches into his pocket and starts digging in his pants. Jessica and her friends are Squicked out until the attendant pulls out his camera, whic is what he was actually reaching for. The girls are both relieved and happy to pose for pictures.
  • "The Big 'M'" by Lust Control
  • "Depuis que tu n'es plus là" by the French comedian Max Boublil sounds like a romantic song at first but it really is about masturbation. He even says that he is going to marry his right hand.
  • "Lonely Is The Night" by Billy Squier
    • His song, "The Stroke" was believed to be about masturbation, until the singer revealed its about being on the receiving end of a handjob. Which is close, but no cigar.
  • "Dancing With Myself" by Billy Idol. " Well there's nothing to lose, and ther's nothing to prove, I'll be dancing with myself"
    • Billy has said MANY TIMES that it's about Japanese dance clubs. And yet no one really listens...
  • Mr.Bungle has "Girls Of Porn" a funky song about the world of porn and all it's crazy little genres, obviously Played for Laughs. Then they have the song "Dead Goon" a song about a loner kid who dies while participating in a round of auto-erotic asphyxiation in his mother's panties and the family walking.
  • "Pink Thing" by XTC ("When I stroke your head I feel a hundred heartbeats high"). Word of God is that it's about a father's love for a newborn baby, but it's so full of innuendo that there's no way Andy Partridge didn't have a double meaning in mind.
  • "You're Makin' Me High" by Toni Braxton is mostly Intercourse with You, but the song begins with "I'll always think of you inside of my private thoughts/I can imagine you touching my private parts/With just the thought of you/I can't help but touch myself." It doesn't help that she starts moaning in the background towards the end of the song.
  • The Lonely Island's "Watch Me Do Me" is Exactly What It Says on the Tin.
  • Bruno Mars' "The Lazy Song" has a line where he says he can "put my hand in my pants" because "nobody will tell me I can't."
  • Christina Aguilera has her ode to all sorts of self love in "Vanity".
    every time I look at me/I turn myself on, yeah/I turn myself on, yeah
    Can't love no one else/Love yourself
  • Da Yoopers' "Da Couch Dat Burps" is preceded by a skit in which the singer (Sandy Kempa) says, "Sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand."
    • Much later, on We're Still Rockin', they did a punk-styled song about how "shuckin' da cob" made the singer a man, despite his parents telling him it'd make him blind.
  • W.A.S.P. - Animal (Fuck like a beast).

    Mythology 
  • In Egyptian Mythology, this was how the world was created, by the god Atum masturbating the universe into existence.
    • It's even squickier in the R-Rated version of the myth, where Atum actually ejaculates into his mouth, whereupon he spits out his children Shu and Tefnut. No joke, Egyptian theologians debated for centuries whether the world's first female was Atum's hand or his mouth.
  • Greek Mythology: guess what Zeus, his brother Poseidon and his son Hermes did simultaneously onto a bull skin in order to create the hero Orion.
    • Most versions say they urinated into it, actually. The name Orion means "the urinated one"
  • It's the very same god Hermes who, according to Diogenes, taught the trick to his son Pan pining for the nymph Echo, to relieve his suffering. Pan, in turn, learned the habit to the shepherds.
  • BibleAn older name for masturbation, onanism, comes from a misinterpretation of a passage in the Hebrew/Christian book of Genesis, thus making the trope Older Than Dirt. The actual event mentioned was Onan having sex with his late brother's wife. (This was practiced to keep the dead person's line from dying out.) Not wanting to sire a child that would not have been considered his, he 'spilled his seed' (pulled out before climax) on the ground instead, and was stricken for his disrespect.

    Professional Wrestling 

    Tabletop Games 
  • Regent Fokuf in Exalted is regarded as a completely boneheaded puppet leader for the Realm for two reasons. One is that he rubber stamps anything that comes past his desk without a care for the contents. The other is that he spends the rest of the day getting off on the saucier passages in the Realm's religious documents.

    Theatre 
  • Avenue Q: Just grab your dick and double-click for porn, porn, porn!]].
  • RENT: Mucho masturbation!
  • Me and My Dick: Unsurprisingly has this as it's about sexual organs. Joey and Dick try to masturbate in the opening scene even! Later Vanessa and Flopsy imply they're about to.
  • In the musical Spring Awakening, it's mostly played for laughs when Hanschen is masturbating to a post card of a girl, but he is also sexually disturbed as he dreams of raping her.

    Video Games 
  • Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas has a gag where Maccer, one of the Brit junkies, starts "having an appointment with Dr. Hans Jerkov" in Madd Dogg's studio.
    • It's a sort of running gag—the guy is apparently addicted to it.
  • When ordering a Riflemen squad to move something in Company of Heroes, the unit leader may reply to your order with: "Drop your dicks and move out!"
  • Half-Life: One of the rewards offered to Combine grunts appears to be some sort of 'alone time' - especially useful given the suppression field preventing natural sex.
    Radio operator: Reminder: 100 sterilize credits qualifies non-mechanical reproduction simulation.
  • Mass Effect has a very subtle mention of this if a male Shepard decides to rebuff Ashley's advances toward the end of the game. She shrugs and says she'll head back to her own bunk to "find my own entertainment". A specific dialog choice when asking Kaidan about his past will have Shepherd indirectly, but pretty obviously, ask if he and the other teenagers in biotics training coped with boredom, loneliness and home-sickness with mutual masturbation; Alenko replies that it's not the sort of thing he does "lightly".
    • That is a possible interpretation, though Occam's Razor would suggest Shepard thought they were hooking up and having rather than engaging in mututal masturbation...
    • In Mass Effect 2, there's a quarian on Ilium who mentions that she's had a neural stimulator (which "every responsible adult has") installed on her suit, capping off a background conversation about her breaking it off with her human boyfriend. Her turian friend (and probably the player) goes "what" at this knowledge. Sadly, it's only then that they notice that you're listening in...
    Quarian: Ugh, excuse me human, private conversation?
    • Tali's dossier in the Lair of the Shadow Broker DLC hints very strongly at this — along with her lingering crush on Shepard.
  • Metal Gear Solid: In an optional (and hysterical) scene, Snake can call Otacon on his CODEC while playing... with his "Solid Snake" during the Tanker Mission. Raiden can be indirectly accused of doing this later.
    • Snake's response removes all doubt. "You were watching?!"
  • In Disgaea 2, Tink mentions that old habits (taking long showers) die hard, even though he is a frog.
    • Lovely Rod: Makes a nice present for your girlfriend.
  • In Dragon Age II, Isabela notes that since she's usually the only female on her ship and doesn't typically let her crewmen touch her, she makes sure they get plenty of "alone time."
    • And in the first game, Oghren remarks that he deals with "tension" by "polishing his sword" and asks Alistair if he does the same; when Alistair reacts with shocked embarrassment ("I think that's private!" and "You do it in the open, where other people can see you? That's disgusting!") Oghren pretends to have meant the comment innocently.
      • Considering he has a similar conversation with Wynn about Alistair 'twirling his pike' (it turns out he was being serious), it's possible he actually wasn't making any implications.
  • In No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle, pay attention to Travis after Henry wakes up from his dream fight with Mimmy. He's sitting in his chair jerking off, and freaks when Henry wakes up. It gets even funnier when you hear the Bizarre Jelly theme in the background.
  • In Katawa Shoujo, Lilly does this while Hisao is blindfolded in their third h-scene.
  • When Jak is challenged to beat a score in Jak 3: Wastelander, Daxter's reply is that Jak "beats" things all the time.

    Visual Novels 
  • In Fate/stay night, one of the side effects of Zouken's magical parasite worms on Sakura is increased sexual frustration, which she tries to cope with through masturbation. It doesn't work, but she moves on to Shirou soon enough.
    ** Another is Shirou's erotic dream about Tohsaka in the same route. It's implied that this is something related to Rider and Sakura when we see Tohsaka's eyes, as they are the same as Rider's real ones. Also, he awakens with the same drained feeling as when Sakura has been leeching his magical energy. However, it's merely played as something to embarrass Shirou and never comes up again after talking to Tohsaka the next day.
  • In Super Dangan Ronpa 2, there are at least two occassions where Sonia is heavily implied to have masturbated. She refers to it as something dirty and her country mustn't know about it or else she can't become the queen anymore.
  • Yami to Boushi to Hon no Tabibito has one of the only scenes where this isn't played for squick, comedy, or both. Hazuki gets herself off twice thinking of her best friend/adoptive older sister Hatsumi, whom she is madly in love with. The second time is more subtle, but she does it on Hatsumi's bed...

    Web Animation 
  • In the Matt N Dusty episode "We Are Legend", Dusty has to choose between pleasuring himself in an airport restroom or spending time with Matt (literally the last living thing on Earth). He ends up dragging the whole airport restroom down to the lobby.

    Web Comics 
  • In Questionable Content, after a date in which everything went wrong, Steve gets off in Marten's bathroom.
  • Honeybee Samuel's curse afflicting Candi in the Ciem Webcomic Series makes it so that masturbation is the only thing (never explicitly mentioned in the comics) that keeps Candi sane when she begins having Erotic Dreams about Denny. When she decides she doesn't like resorting to that, especially after she gets Donte back, she has actual sex with him regularly to avoid the need. The books intend to give a little more mention to her issue.
  • Several characters in Ménage à 3.
    • Unbeknowst to him, Gary's activity is used as "background music" for Matt and Dillon's lovemaking.
    • Zii, watching all-male pornography while calling DiDi's name. She does not notice the contradiction there.
  • There's a weird example (which isn't actually masturbation) in El Goonish Shive. Elliot completely fails at fantasizing about women, which his girlfriend Sarah and her friend Susan discuss at length. Susan thinks he should be praised for his restraint, while Sarah thinks it isn't healthy.
    Sarah: Don't you remember what it's like being a teenage boy?
    Susan: I try not to.
  • In Jet Dream, while Marlene claims a lack of interest in romance of any sort after her sex change, she also makes several veiled references to using "the science of vibration" or her "Jet Dream Vibrostick" to deal with her new feminine urges.
  • PK Comic directly references this trope in this comic
  • The webcomic Sexy Losers had an entire storyline, "Mike's Left Hand", where the title character was a shameless, guiltless chronic masturbator. He even wrote books and taught classes on how to masturbate. His sister was later shown to be exactly the same way. Mike's roommate, unable to avoid him, steadily went insane (though he eventually recovered).
  • Wonderella shows here that she'd rather play "Hello Kitty The Home Game if you know what I mean" than save the city from monsters and stuff.
    • And there's "Lil' Pinky" the robot spy. The places he has been... the wonders he has seen...
  • In Sabrina Online, the title character gets walked in on by her roommate during a "hands-on" cybersex session with her (as yet unseen) online boyfriend, "RC". (Whom Amy dubs "Sticky Fingers").
  • In Sparkling Generation Valkyrie Yuuki, as Yuuki is coming to grips with his Gender Bent status, (s)he finds himself getting heated up by his own reflection in the bathroom mirror. After a brief self-Squick over this, he decides that a quick "hand-check" couldn't hurt. It swiftly turns not-so-quick.
    Caption: An Hour Later.
    Hermod: Yuuki! I'm hungry. Where's the food?
    Yuuki (off-screen): *PANT* D-Down *PANT* The hall, in the... Ki-Kitch... OHHHHHH YESSS!!
    Hermod (walking away): Not going near there for the rest of the night...
  • The Order of the Stick had Belkar recommend to a half-naked implied sex partner that, while he finished his sandwich(es), she should start a "solo adventure" until he could join the quest. This did not go over entirely well with the entire audience, or the presumed audience.
    • Belkar also made an onanistic reference when one of his party-mates was turned into a female by a cursed belt. Upon seeing that character restored to his proper form, he asked where the hot chick had gone off to; when told that 'she would never be coming back,' he responded with "that's okay, I can always preserve the memory of her for when I'm... alone." Of course, he's merely trying to Squick out Roy, who he knows was the girl during a moment of Gender Bender.
    • Therkla tells Elan that he's "Grade-A, lock-the-bathroom-door, 'No, Ma, I'm just taking a long shower,' fantasy material."
  • The Lyrical Nanoha Fan Web Comic by Entropy Max, has another Gender Bendered example having a more intimate encounter with his new body in Yuuno. In his case, he was discovered in the act by Admiral Leti... who proceeded to give him tips on how to masturbate as a female.
  • Questionable Content has a full story arc about Dora helping Faye to tame her libido.
  • Khaos Komix: quickly mentionned with Amber and her Homoerotic Dream of Nay, more relevant to the plot is Alex's habit; he borderlines asexuality, except for his masturbation habit, which apparently takes precious time he could use playing videogames. And then he meets Tom.
    • Jamie also has a scene of this nature about Charlie that's much more disturbing than sexy because of his massive guilt/sexuality issues.
  • Barry has a moment in this Atland strip.
  • Ben from Loserz, as mentioned in this strip.
  • Graphically overheard in this Wapsi Square comic.
  • One of Davan's previous girlfriends in Something*Positive nearly broke up with him because she was disturbed that he masturbated. They compromised; he could still masturbate, but only if she was doing all the work.
  • Girls with Slingshots:
    • It does this a lot with Hazel during the early part of the strip, emphasizing the fact that she hasn't had sex for a while.
    • It also has a very open view on masturbation, and treats it as normal behaviour. Several strips revolve around the female characters buying or using vibrators.

    Web Original 
  • The Web Original Spanish Super Hero spoof Cálico Electrónico has a Running Gag about every time Ms. Fanservice character "La Ladrona" appears, the title character goes to the bathroom, where some... particular sounds... are covered by Calico singing (badly) opening themes of several old cartoons, the one from the Spanish dub of Captain Tsubasa being the most favored.
  • In Look a Vlog, Will is dragged out of the bathroom by Emily. When she asks what he was doing, he says, "Masturbating." Then goes back in.
  • Beautiful Agony: It's full of this trope. Only, like, two or three of the video clips on that site show sexual intercourse.
    • And even then they don't really show it, since all the videos are only from the neck up. The most you'd see of a second person would be mad snogging.
  • Orochimaru's initial response in Naruto: The Abridged Series to having his soul arms removed:
    "No, now alone time is useless!"
  • The Flash series Pulp Phantom had the "Vincent and Mia" scene, but with Darth Maul and Queen Amidala instead. Maul is taking his time in the bathroom and talks into the mirror:
    Maul: You're going to say 'good night' and walk out the door. Door leads to ship, ship leads to home, home leads to jerking off... (grins) Jerking off leads to the Dark Side.
  • Red vs. Blue. When Tex returns as a ghost and mentions that she's beeen watching the Blue team, Tucker awkwardly asks if she had been watching all the time, while nervously glancing at a rock with the words: "Tucker's rock! Keep out!" painted on. Tex then says he ought to be ashamed of himself.
    • In Recreation, this exchange occurs during an argument:
    Grif: You fucked a rock!
    Tucker: Your sister's name is "a rock"?
  • From The Professor Brothers song about JFK:
    And if he shook your hand, you'd make love with it for hours.
  • The Onion News Network: "Americans Observing 9/11 By Trying Not To Masturbate"
  • One of the constant complaints made by Los Hermanos, a member of the titular hero team in the Global Guardians PBEM Universe, was that he felt an overwhelming urge to do this every time the team encountered Cheesecake, a supervillainess whose pheremone-based powers made her irresistable to all men, everywhere.
    • Cheesecake couldn't turn Los Hermanos into a lovesick puppy as she did with every other male hero... all she could do was make him extremely uncomfortable.
  • On The Ricky Gervais Show in a part of their ongoing series of "asking Karl questions to make him uncomfortable." They ask if he would, after having his head transplanted onto another man's body, he would be willing to masturbate with the other man's penis.
    Karl: Well, they're not my hands then either.
    Ricky: (riotous laughter) You're a fucking genius! So, what you're doing is watching someone else wank.
  • Happens on a single occasion in Survival of the Fittest (it's of the 'sexually frustrated') variety. The character, Beth Vanallen was subsequently Caught With Her Pants Down.
  • Mackenzie, the protagonist of Tales of MU, masturbates in her sleep due to her nature as a repressed Horny Devil.
  • Whateley Universe: The use of the special Hydroflux showers, for the girls.

    Western Animation 
  • Beavis And Butthead has lots of masturbation jokes, mostly from Beavis, particularly in The Movie.
    • It becomes a significant plot point: The Feds can't find Beavis because he's off whackin' in Tom Anderson's trailer.
  • In the Family Guy episode "Barely Legal", when Meg becomes obsessed with Brian:
    Meg: I'm going to the mall later, maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear.
    Brian: Uh, I don't think that's going to be a possibility, uh, I have plans, with Chris! Chris and I have plans this afternoon!
    Chris: We do?
    Brian: Yeah, yeah! We're doing that thing, we're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon!
    Chris: Masturbate?
    Brian: That's it, that's what we're going to do together.
    Chris: Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this.
    • In "Stewie Kills Lois", Meg brings a pack of hot dogs to her room, and says: "I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks!" Peter later mentions that he has to buy hot dogs because "we keep running out for some reason".
    • In "Partial Terms of Endearment", when Peter thinks he's going to be in a threesome, Meg mentions that she had a "onesome" once.
    • Chris is also portrayed to masturbate more often than an average teenager would, especially in the episode "German Guy" where Lois shows the family Chris' blanket is completely hard as a rock and then shatters to pieces when Lois drops it because of Chris doing nothing but masturbating in his room all day and Lois believes the washing machine got pregnant somehow. When Chris comes downstairs to see everyone, his own clothes shatter to pieces the same way as his blanket did.
  • The whole plot in the American Dad! episode "A Smith In Hand". Stan tries to teach Steve to sublimate the "urge" with arts and crafts, like he does. However, Stan gets hurt and the doctor prescribes an ointment; in the process of applying it, he accidentally masturbates and, realizing for the first time in his life how good it feels, gets addicted.
    • Another mention in "The People vs. Martin Sugar" when Jeff is forced to quit smoking pot cited it's for his medical condition. Jeff hides in different places and get caught by Francine.
    • In another episode where Steve finally gets a date with a hot girl, he tells her he needs to "check his schedule", so he opens up a day planner and we see that his plans for every night say, "Whack it".
  • This trope directly leads to the main plot of the episode "Going Downklok" in Metalocalypse: the band members masturbate so much due to having no fans to sleep with that they develop carpal tunnel syndrome, and they have to deal with trying to release their sexual tension without masturbation, ranging from exercise to attempting to get into the pants of their female producer.
  • An episode of Moral Orel deals with Reverend Putty's private shame over his masturbation.
    • God's Baker runs with it to disturbing extremes.
  • In the Family Guy episode "Saving Private Brian", when Brian and Stewie join the army, they're talking at night, and one guy yells, "You know, you guys are really making it hard to masturbate!" prompting another guy to yell, "Not for me!"
  • In an episode of The Venture Bros., Rusty rents The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas and invites Brock to watch it with him. When Brock demurs, Rusty admits the movie was "meant to be watched solo a mano." He's also deaf to warnings that the movie doesn't live up to its title.
    • 24 is seen perusing porn several times due to the low chance of meeting women in his henching job.
      24: Don't knock or anything! It's not like I live with 80 guys and no women, so there is no chance that I am masturbating!
    • This is revealed to be the reason that Rusty invented the "joy can". And the reason that it locks from the inside.
    • "I'm practicing being a boyfriend, Pop!"
      • Actually he was just kissing his hand to practice kissing.
    • The Monarch is at a monitor watching Dr. Girlfriend seduce Rusty and absently starts fondling himself, breaking off abruptly when a henchman wanders through for a glass of juice.
    • In the Trial Of The Monarch episode, in a flashback, Dr. Girlfriend is handed her old superhero costume by her old boyfriend (Phantom Limb). She remarks that there are now "hard chunks" in the fabric, which Limb claims are tears. Monarch naturally becries this, claiming that Limb was "just pounding his invisible meat" into it, at which point he's cut off by Dr. Venture, who doesn't want the boys hearing about that. But then Hank protests it's okay because he's seen Dean do it, at which point Brock quickly gets the boys to another topic.
      • The judge didn't want to hear it either:
      Judge: I want that comment stricken from the record and my mind.
  • Family Guy: Numerous masturbation jokes abound. A few examples:
    • In one episode, Mayor West is shown trying to marry his right hand (which his left tries to object to).
    • In the episode "Wasted Talent", there's a flashback where Peter as a kid asks a tour guide in a museum: "Why did all the dinosaurs die out?" He responds: "Because you touch yourself at night."
    • The episode "PTV" has a send-up of The Waltons closing tag, where various family members reflect on the episode's events and say their good nights. Here, John Boy doesn't respond initially, and then shouts out in frustration, "Damn it, can't a guy masturbate in his own house?"
  • Looney Tunes - Bob Clampett's "An Itch in Time" has a scene of a dog scooting around on his hindquarters after being bitten by a flea; at one point, he pauses to tell the audience, "Hey, I'd better cut this out, I may get to like it!"
    • The over-the-top line had been included for the studio's annual in-house gag reel, with the expectation that the Hays Office would order it excised (and overlook the lesser jokes they actually wanted to keep) before the short was released to the public; amazingly, it was allowed to go out intact.
  • Drawn Together has Foxxy show Wooldoor, in elaborate detail, how she masturbates in "Clum Babies".
    • Because it's about as sexual as a potato singing "Baa Baa Black Sheep", Wooldoor masturbating is shown multiple times. It involves breaking his own finger, among other things. Go figure.
  • In one episode of The Critic when Margo Sherman has to attend a debutante's ball, she wears a white dress symbolizing her virginity - except (as she points out) the gloves, which are hussy white.
    Dressmaker: We dressmakers have a very strict code, so I need to know. Do you deserve to wear virginial white? Because if you don't, you'll have to wear an off white, what we call a "hussy white". So which will it be? White white?
    Margo Sherman: Yes... um, except for the gloves.
    • Actually, this may refer to giving handjobs. Even for the virgo intacta, here are other venues, you know.
  • An episode of Robot Chicken had Zelda refuse to have sex with Link after saving her from Gannon. So Link says to his hand, "Then I will save you, my princess."
    Also, You won't believe you're eating Ron Jeremy's Butter!
    As well as, Mrs. Doubtfire meets Thundercats, which ended with the Caught with Your Pants Down bit.
    When you wake up in the morning, what's the first thing that you see? It's your morning wood! "Hello, I'm Bruce Campbell, and I can't start my day by waxing my morning wood."
  • Played with (heehee) in ReBoot on one occasion.
    Ray Tracer: You blokes should try logging off. Relieves tension.
  • Futurama has its moments of subtle implication, and other times not so subtle. Actually a pretty surprising amount for a show on FOX at that time.
    • A great one, Dr. Zoidberg laments how he will get rid of his male jelly when he fails to mate. Fry holds up his dismembered arm and says "I'll lend you this."
    • From the episode "Spanish Fry," the Omicronian Emperor Lrr wants to use Fry's "lower horn" as an aphrodisiac. Innocent Innuendo' is used, which Bender points out and jokes about.
    Lrr: I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.
    Bender: It's used to it!
    • In one of the What-If machine episodes, a recently turned human Bender tried to "fix his antenna" down there. But Fry quickly stopped him from doing it because it'll "make God cry."
    • In "A Head In The Polls" Richard Nixon's head tells Fry and Leela that he loved his body, this resulted in this quote:
    Fry: I spent most of my teen years loving my body... of course it was tough love but...
    Leela: *elbows Fry* Fry, He (Nixon) opened relations with China, he doesn't want to hear about your ding-dong.

(Opening door) Oops! Sorry! When you said you were going on the computer for a while, I just assumed you'd be on TV Tropes!


Alternative Title(s): Masturbation, Touching Yourself, Ill Be In The Basement, Onanism, Yourself

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ADateWithRosiepalms