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->''"I implore you. I implore all women everywhere on behalf of all men. Do not take the wrongness of masturbation from us!"''
-->-- '''Steve''', ''Series/{{Coupling}}''

Most people masturbate, although it's not something you'd bring up in polite conversation. However, it's given quite a different treatment in fiction. Unlike NobodyPoops or NoPeriodsPeriod (where the function is simply not mentioned because it would be NauseaFuel), masturbation in fiction often fits into a few different categories:
* It's aimed at or about teenagers (usually PlayedForLaughs) and the character is usually a horny teenage boy, and another character, usually the parents, think that he's masturbating when he is very obviously ([[InnocentInnuendo or sometimes not so obviously]]) ''not''.
* The character masturbating is [[HollywoodDateless sexually frustrated]], disturbed, perverted, or is a [[ThisLoserIsYou nerd/has no social life]]. When SexIsCool and EverybodyHasLotsOfSex, masturbating is portrayed as a shameful last resort for losers who can't get laid. Except for those depicting as doing it as one part of a sexual encounter itself, of course.
* It's a military or a prison setting (or a single-sex boarding school). The masturbation here would be explained by the [[HelloSailor shortage of women]] ([[AmazonBrigade or men]]), boredom and loneliness.
* Artificial insemination due to [[OnlyYouCanRepopulateMyRace lack of partners]], [[AllLesbiansWantKids incompatible sexual orientation]], etc.
* In UsefulNotes/{{porn|ography}} or erotica, it can be used for the sexual titillation of the viewers.

Of course, there's a pretty valid reason why "normal" masturbation isn't depicted very often -- it's actually quite a mundane and meaningless thing (see Administrivia/PeopleSitOnChairs). There aren't many ways that masturbation could advance the plot of a story, and because it's generally a solitary activity, there usually won't be any character interaction involved.

Also note that male masturbation is used far more often than female (except in porn, for the above-mentioned reasons)... though that's not to say that female masturbation isn't given ''any'' attention in fiction (the "Literature/{{Rumpelstiltskin}}" tale supposedly had the [[ValuesDissonance original message]], "women who masturbate become infertile"). In older media, expect references to hairy palms and/or blindness, two widespread myths used to keep boys from masturbating.

!!List of masturbation tropes:

[[index]]
* BreakingInOldHabits - A character receives a replacement hand and immediately uses it to masturbate.
* CaughtWithYourPantsDown - A character is caught masturbating.
* IllBeInMyBunk - A character who steps off-stage is humorously portrayed as leaving to masturbate.
* JizzedInMyPants - Yeah, self explanatory.
* ManIFeelLikeAWoman - After a [[GenderBender man transforms into a woman]], the first thing he does is test his new "equipment".
* MistakenForMasturbating - Characters think someone is masturbating when they actually aren't.
* PoorMansPorn - A character gets off to something not strictly intended to be used for that purpose.
* PornStash - A character has a personal collection of pornography, and can usually be assumed to use it as an aid to masturbation.
* SelfAbuse - Masturbation is portrayed as bad for you.
[[/index]]

!!Examples from Teen Fiction

[[foldercontrol]]

[[folder:Anime & Manga]]
* In ''[[NeonGenesisEvangelion The End of Evangelion]]'', Shinji does this [[spoiler:[[DudeShesLikeInAComa over Asuka's comatose body.]]]] With an indescretion shot of his creamed hand... yeech!
** [[PrecisionFStrike "I'm so fucked up..."]]
* One very disturbed individual in ''Manga/{{Shigurui}}'' (that is, more disturbed than all the other batshit characters) performed auto-fellatio while thinking about the dead young man he was out to avenge.
* ''CodeGeass''. Nina Einstein, the local ShrinkingViolet, to a picture of her crush, using the edge of a table. Though she is quite {{Yandere}}, she was perfectly sane at the time, and she doesn't actually have the massive FreakOut until later, after [[spoiler:said crush's very unfortunate death]]. The fandom's reaction to the scene? {{Squick}}, MemeticMutation, [[TheScrappy Hate]].
** There's a sort-of running joke about her being interrupted by Nunnally: it's questionable who's luckier, [[HarmfulToMinors Nunnally because she's blind]] or [[CaughtWithYourPantsDown Nina because Nunnally's blind.]] Otherwise, Nunnally would probably need BrainBleach in the form of her brother [[LaserGuidedAmnesia Geassing her into forgetting it]].
* Satou from ''WelcomeToTheNHK'' is shown to reach for a tissue every now and then, and after discovering that [[TheInternetIsForPorn there's lolicon on the internet]], he is shown surrounded by empty tissue boxes. In the manga, this goes further -- his porn obsession eventually leads him to build a massive customized rig just for pornography, complete with cavernous hard-drive, several monitors, high-fidelity headphones and a leather massage chair. ''In his parents' spare bedroom''. Needless to say, [[CaughtWithYourPantsDown it does not end well]].
* In ''{{Gankutsuou}}'', Héloise is shown masturbating while thinking about the Count and the poison ring he gave her. {{Squick}}.
* ''YamiToBoushiToHonNoTabibito'' has one of the only scenes where this isn't played for {{squick}}, comedy, or both. Hazuki gets herself off twice thinking of her best friend/adoptive older sister Hatsumi, whom she is madly in love with. The second time is more subtle, but she does it ''on Hatsumi's bed''...
* Both husband Makoto and wife Yura are shown to do this in ''FutariEcchi''. Makoto does it out of frustration at not having been able to have sex with Yura for several days. Yura does it on her sister's advice to teach herself "what feels good."
* Farnese in ''{{Berserk}}'' is shown to be turned on by people burning alive to the point where she spends some "alone time" thinking very hard about that. ''Berserk'' is like that.
* Konuma Ryuuko of ''WolfGuyWolfenCrest'' is a nymphomaniac middle-schooler with what appears to be profound psychological damage from repeated rapes in her past, but she's such a nihilistic sociopath that even this isn't enough to make her sympathetic. Notable acts include breaking into the protagonist's apartment to masturbate and (unsuccessfully) seduce him, and climaxing on a school rooftop after a bloody shooting.
* ''LightNovel/FullMetalPanic'' has Gates, who's an AxCrazy rapist {{Lolicon}} that is shown to masturbate to animal nature videos.
* ''IchiTheKiller'' has one of the most {{Squick}}-tastic examples ever. Ichi cuts his palm with a knife and masturbates to the sight of his favorite prostitute being beaten and raped by her husband.
* ''SerialExperimentsLain'': Lain's friendship with Alice breaks down when one of the Lains spreads rumors around school that she likes to fantasize about a certain teacher while "playing with herself".
* In the beginning of ''MidoriDays'', Seiji bemoans this being his fate, as his badass Delinquent status actually seems to make it ''harder'' to get a girlfriend. He specifically says being stuck "with his right hand for a girlfriend", then it happens literally. Ironically, having Midori on his hand effectively ''prevents'' him from masturbating, as she throws out all his porn. A few chapters are dedicating to Seiji attempting to relieve the built-up pressure, but FailureIsTheOnlyOption.
* AxCrazy Sako of ''{{Upotte}}!'' gets ''far'' too turned on by the heat of battle in episode 5 and fondles her magic spot out of pleasure behind a tree. Moments later, she masturbates, with the stuff visibly dripping off her hand- er, if anthromorphized assault rifles actually can do that sort of thing.
* Implied in ''Manga/DeathNote''. L's says it's normal for a 18 year old boy.
* In episode 4 of ''LightNovel/KokoroConnect'', Taichi tells Inaba a secret that he hoped to take to the grave with him after she reveals that she worries a lot and can't trust anyone. [[spoiler: He said he masturbated to pictures of her, as well as Iori and Yui.]] Inaba seems shocked at first, but then starts laughing. At the end of the episode, she also reveals one of her secrets, [[spoiler: she did the same thing with his picture.]]
* Bird's Nest does this after running into Leo juggling for a crowd on the street in ''Manga/CopernicusBreathing''.
* Implied a few times in ''WanderingSon'' chapters, especially when the characters have begun high school. The protagonist in particular is prone to scenes that cut to a bathroom, after they've interacted with their girlfriend.
* In the fourth episodes of the second season of RozenMaiden, the dolls said, that Jun is in the toilet, reading "magazines."
* The manga ''OnaniMasterKurosawa''. In translation: Kurosawa, the Master of Masturbating.
* ''Anime/{{Pokemon}}'' fanfic communities refer to this as "Handshipping". On one board, there was an actual flame war between the Handshippers and the Otherhandshippers, leading to the obvious joke.
* In the manga ''KoeDeOshigoto'', Kanna is scolded for ''not'' doing this after taking home some examples of eroge... for training purposes, of course. What makes it funny is that she managed to... achieve the same effect without actually involving her hands or any physical stimulation whatsoever. Everyone else, like Motoki, are all straighter cases, and they use their hands.
* ''BGataHKei'' features both female and male leads doing this; [[{{Bowdlerise}} more often in the manga]], and more often the girl. She states that there are two types of masturbation: the "good" kind, doing it to relieve frustration, and the "bad" kind, doing it out of boredom. She is then shown making a tally of the dozens of times she's done the "bad" kind in the last few weeks.
* ''Anime/PantyAndStockingWithGarterbelt'' devotes a whole episode to a tissue shortage that is disastrous because no one can masturbate. Turns out that the tissue shortage was caused by [[spoiler: the Ghosts of wasted sperm.]]
* Because ''{{Genshiken}}'' is a manga/anime about {{Otaku}}, it features the characters reading or talking about {{Doujinshi}}. Most Doujinshi are erotic, and the series alludes (or more than alludes) to several of the main characters (male and female alike), ah, getting use out of them for the sake of comedy.
* Tajima from ''OokikuFurikabutte'' has a habit of talking about his masturbation habits in front of others, much to the chagrin of his friends.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Comics]]
* ''ComicBook/YTheLastMan'': Mentioned several times, seeing as virtually the entire male population has died. One women casually mentions the difficulty of finding replacement AA batteries for vibrators, and titular last man Yorick tells of one extensive 'session' where the government installed open-air showers outside a hotel he was staying in.
* In the ''AliensVsPredator'' comic book, a Marine left to guard the base is told there's some petroleum jelly in the supplies "in case he gets lonely".
* During NeilGaiman's run on ''ComicBook/TheSandman'' in the early 90's, he was explicitly told by the editors that nobody masturbates in the DC Comics universe. In Gaiman's own words, "''actually, that explains a lot. Thatís probably why the characters all dress in tight costumes and go around thumping the shit out of each other.''"
* The plot of the porn comic ''SmallFavors'' opens with lesbian Annie being informed by an aspect of herself that she's exhausted her lifetime allotment of masturbation time. The photographic evidence supplied is a stack of photographs at least a foot tall... all of her masturbating at different times, all taken on ''the same day''.
* ''ComicBook/LostGirls'': Dorothy masturbates for the first time while a tornado is passing through her farm and dangerously close to her house. According to her, she didn't know what she was doing, but thought she was going to die, so why not?
* ''Comicbook/{{Empowered}}'': The title character does this a lot, as does her best friend Ninjette. In Emp's case, it's because her super-suit massively enhances sensation and increases libido; she mentions that she never even bothers with "Mr. Shower Head" since she got it.
* ''ComicBook/{{Transmetropolitan}}'': My name is Spider Jerusalem... I masturbate constantly and fling my steaming poison semen out the window onto your hair and food.
* ''ComicBook/{{Horndog}}'': Issue 3 has a strip that reveals that Bob has the ability to perform oral sex on himself.
* ''ComicBook/{{Deadpool}}'': One story ended with him having to honor an old bet he made with a classmate when he was younger. He had to give him a set of porn magazines. Wade apologized for some of the sticky pages and said they had "extra love".
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Fan Fic]]
* In the dreaded ''FanFic/MyImmortal'', Lupin is caught "masticating" in the bath to a video that he and Snape took of Ebony. Later on she says that he "MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong)". ([[AskAStupidQuestion Yes.]])
* ''NeonGenesisEvangelion'' lemon fic ''[[http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3043801/1 A Glass Of Wine]]'' has Asuka calming an anxious and embarrassed Hikari that "taking care of herself" will get rid of her wet dreams since such dreams are indicators that her brain is craving for an orgasm. Hikari is initially against the idea (no surprise there, knowing her character) until Asuka finishes the job herself. For the cast's most innocent girl.
-->'''Asuka''': "Now if your smart you'll take doctor Soryu's prescription and apply liberally until the symptoms go away."
* [[http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3070350/1/Another_Mans_Cage This fic]] by Dawn Felagund. This troper was inspired to rename one of the characters Johnny Appleseed.
* A humourous fanfic by the creators of ''FanFic/BagEnders'' featured an adolescent Pippin being upset because his mother had told him kittens would die if he masturbated and he'd found a dead kitten in the garden and been convinced she was right. Merry gave him a kitten so he could watch it and stop if the kitten started looking ill to prove it wasn't true. Unfortunately, Pippin couldn't bring himself to do it with the kitten staring at him, so Merry ended up spending several evenings sitting in the next room and watching the kitten for him.
* Shows up in ''Fanfic/TheBestOfAllPossibleWorlds'', as Creator/{{Voltaire}} mentions he often resorted to this to help him through puberty. This comes up when he finds out [[WesternAnimation/MyLittlePonyFriendshipIsMagic Celestia]] has cast a spell to pretty much [[{{Unperson}} unperson]] the concept from Equestria ([[BreadEggsMilkSquick along with the concept of murder]]).
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Film]]
* Vincent of ''PulpFiction'' spends some time in the bathroom psyching himself up to not give into the temptation to have sex with Mia Wallace (because she's the wife of his boss), and mentions masturbating to relieve the tension and "get over it" once he gets back home. But given Vincent's general track record of bad things happening when he goes to the bathroom during the movie, things do not end well.
* In the movie ''{{Dogma}}'', Rufus the Apostle attempts to prove to Jay and Bob that he's really from heaven:
-->'''Jay:''' Yo man, tell me something about me.\\
'''Rufus:''' You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.\\
'''Jay:''' Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.\\
'''Rufus:''' When you do it, you're thinking about guys.\\
'''Silent Bob:''' *shocked stare*\\
'''Jay:''' ... Dude, [[HoYay not all the time]]!
* In ''YoungFrankenstein'', as Gene Wilder's Victor boards the train from New York he overhears a married couple arguing behind him:
-->'''Woman:''' Harry, he's been at it again.\\
'''Man:''' So, what do you want me to do about it?\\
'''Woman:''' Every day!\\
'''Man:''' Let him! Let him!
** When Victor arrives in Transylvania via train, he overhears another couple having the same argument... in German.
** Later in the film, Victor is disconsolate after his attempt to re-animate the Monster is (he believes) unsuccessful.
--->'''Igor:''' You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him, the things he'd say to me.\\
'''Victor:''' (interested) What did he say?\\
'''Igor:''' "What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?"
* In ''Film/{{Idiocracy}}'', pornography is now common on normal TV. The channel is fittingly named ''[[ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin The Masturbation Channel]]''
-->'''Frito:''' *Joe knocks at his door* Go away, I'm 'bating!
* Comes up in ''TheresSomethingAboutMary''. Mary tells her friends she doesn't need a man, she has a vibrator. Later, Ted's friend encourages him to "spank the monkey" before his big date. This doesn't lead to the main character getting caught with his pants down, but to the movie's signature hair gel scene.
* In ''BeingThere'', Eve tries to seduce ChanceTheGardener; when he tells her "I like to watch" - he's referring to television - she proceeds to pleasure herself on the floor.
* In ''{{Secretary}}'', MaggieGyllenhaal's character indulges herself while thinking of her sadomasochistic relationship with her boss. This causes many male audience members to later follow suit...
* In ''TerrorFirmer'', the protagonist, Jennifer masturbates while picturing [[VillainousCrossdresser Casey]] shirtless, flexing his arms at the foot of her bed. Later, [[{{Squick}} she learns the truth]]...
* There is much pitch-black comedy in the viciously depressing Korean movie ''SympathyForMrVengeance'' (from the director of ''{{Oldboy}}''). Of note here is a scene where four young men are seen masturbating together, their ears pressed to the wall to hear what they believe to be the moaning of a woman nearing climax. What they are hearing is in fact groans of pain from a young woman suffering from kidney failure.
* In ''Film/ZackAndMiriMakeAPorno'', the two title characters have a discussion about male versus female masturbation:
-->'''Zack''': How come you get to be all BuckRogers, having sex in the 25th century with Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, and I'm stuck with a bottle of Jergen's in the bathroom?
-->'''Miri''': Holy Bejeesus, tell me you don't use my Jergen's to whack it in our bathroom.
-->'''Zack''': No, you know what I do? I light a bunch of candles, and I sprawl out on my sheets, and I listen to {{Sting}}. No, I'm a guy. You give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to fuck it, like a filthy Series/MacGyver!
* In ''Kinsey'', several people study a video of a woman masturbating to learn more about human sexuality.
* In ''Film/HumanNature'', a man masturbates in front of another person, which is meant to show that he is unaware of society's taboos.
* Very brief scene in ''L.I.E.'', in which we see Howie in bed--and only from the neck up, mostly--but it's obvious what he's doing.
* In Creator/WoodyAllen's 19th-Century Russian Lit parody ''LoveAndDeath'', his character meets a gorgeous countess. After a room-wrecking bout of sex she compliments his abilities - he shrugs and says "Thanks...I practice a lot when I'm alone."
* In ''Film/AnnieHall'', Creator/WoodyAllen's character Alvy and Annie are arguing and he focuses on a pretentious school course she's taking:
-->'''Alvy:''' What's the difference? It's all mental masturbation.\\
'''Annie:''' Oh, well, now we're finally getting to a subject you know something about.\\
'''Alvy:''' Hey, don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
* A scene around the beginning of ''Film/HaroldAndKumarEscapeFromGuantanamoBay''.
* ''{{Clerks}}'' had an elderly customer ask Dante for a restroom, some soft toilet paper, and a girlie magazine. It didn't end well.
* ''ClerksII'' had an inebriated [[spoiler:Elias]] turned on by [[spoiler:the donkey show]]. "I'm sorry, Jesus..."
* Played for laughs in ''BrainDonors'':
-->'''Volare:''' Do you realize what I was doing at the age of seven?\\
'''Flakfizer:''' I can imagine and you must be thankful you didn't go blind.\\
'''Volare:''' I was dancing professionally!\\
'''Flakfizer:''' Whatever you call it. Flogging the carrot, polishing the cuestick, choking the chicken, clearing the snorkel...
* ''Film/CrazyStupidLove'': Robbie does it while thinking of Jessica his babysitter that he loves.
* In the {{Biopic}} ''TheRunaways'', Sandy West tries to masturbate, but complains that she cannot feel anything. JoanJett suggests she think of the hottest guy she knows, but it doesn't work. Joan then suggests she think of FarrahFawcett. After switching to a shower head it works.
* ''The Simian Line'': Samantha Mathis watches Cindy Crawford pleasure herself.
* Diane Lane masturbates while thinking about her recent tryst with Oliver Martinez in ''Unfaithful''.
* Tracy Ryan is seen pleasuring herself in a couple of scenes in ''Close Enough to Touch''.
* Kim Basinger has a memorable scene in an art gallery basement, costarring a slide projector's remote control, in ''[[NineAndAHalfWeeks 9½ Weeks]]'', set to the Eurythmics' "This City Never Sleeps."
* The "sock scene" from ''Film/AmericanPie''.
** [[CargoShip "And this one time, at band camp..."]]
** This scene was also parodied in ''Film/NotAnotherTeenMovie'', but this time it was a girl who was walked in on.
** And in ''Film/AnotherGayMovie'', where it's the boy with a collection of oddly shaped vegetables.
* The famous CaughtWithYourPantsDown scene from ''Film/FastTimesAtRidgemontHigh''. Which was later homaged in the video for ''Stacy's Mom''.
* The first scene in Creator/MelBrooks "History of the World, Part 1" ("The Dawn Of Man") starts with ape-men with a rising dawn behind them rising from sleep and then masturbating until they fall back down again, exhausted, all in silhouette.
* In the film ''Film/RealGenius'', the [[CoolLoser plucky charismatic underdogs]] implant a radio in the braces of the pompous, sycophantic Kent. Kent thinks he's being addressed by the voice of God. At the end of one transmission, [[CoolLoser Mitch]] adds, "And Kent? From now on, stop playing with yourself!" Kent wonderingly murmurs, "It ''is'' God."
* ''Film/ButImACheerleader'': While poking fun at the ridiculous notion of a camp for curing homosexuality, the movie shows a couple of girls releasing their sexual frustration. The girls are all given small electric prods to punish themselves when they have "impure" thoughts; one girl gets creative with hers. And a short scene of the main character rubbing herself through her nightgown almost got the film an NC-17 rating.
* The title character in ''Film/SaintRalph'' does this in a pool while looking at a naked woman's buttocks, without any hands. The water jet in the pool causes him to have an accident.
* ''[[Film/ShowMeLove Fucking Åmål]]'' -- Agnes' hand-down-the-pants scene while looking at Elin's photo.
* In the action-comedy ''Film/TheBigHit'', one of the assassins doesn't even seem to know what masturbation is; he explains that he has been sleeping with women since he first entered puberty, and never had to resort to gratifying himself. One of the other characters explains it to him, and from that point on in the movie, he's shown using a grip-strengthener, deciding between bottles of lotion, and at the end [[BrickJoke there's a poster of him as "Customer of the Year" in the Adult Video section of a video store]].
* In ''Film/{{Slackers}}'' there was a scene where a male character had to steal something from a female character's dorm while she wasn't there. After trying the door he was impatiently allowed in by the female character's (also female) roommate who was annoyed at having been interrupted masturbating. She continues to masturbate (quite enthusiastically) in the main room while he goes to the bedroom to find the [[MacGuffin whatever it was]].
* ''Film/{{Cthulhu}}'' (2007). A flashback shows the protagonist and his friend as teenagers jerking off together under a pier while talking of the female movie stars they fancy; ironically it's a HoYay scene as both of them are gay, but presumably have not admitted this at that stage in their lives.
* The teenage boy in ''Film/SerialMom''. While his parents are being murdered, no less.
* In the sex-ridden ''Film/YTuMamaTambien'', the two male protagonists are quite open about their bodies and sexual functions together, and have a dual wank on the diving boards by the pool. A mysterious white liquid then falls in the water.
* Very explicit in ''Film/KenPark''.
* ''Film/TheInventionOfLying'': The basis of this movie is that everyone tells the absolute truth all the time. So when Mark shows up early for a blind date with Allison she tells him she's just been masturbating.
* ''Film/MulhollandDrive'': One of the more disturbing masturbation scenes comes thanks to David Lynch (who else?), as Diane (Naomi Watts) masturbates quite furiously while crying.
* ''Film/TheBookOfRevelation'': Another more disturbing example occurs in the Australian film. Daniel is captured by a group of anonymous women and, among other forms of sexual and psychological torture, is instructed by one of the masked women to masturbate. She then begins to masturbate herself, standing over him, before he defiantly tells her than when "every man masturbates, he only thinks of himself". Ouch!
* The protagonist Marie masturbates in the French horror film ''Film/HighTension'' after seeing her best friend Alex showering through the bathroom window earlier that night. Since she's listening to her walk-man during the act, this prevents her from hearing the killer get into the house until the murders are well under way.
* Nick Twisp does this off-screen right within the first 30 seconds of ''Film/YouthInRevolt''.
* The memorable 1979 sex-education film ''Film/AmINormal?'' is all about this. Hilarious in its well-meaning ineptitude, the film combines typical earnest sex-ed material with the story of Jimmy, a lad going through puberty. As just one illustrative example of the painful "comedy" in Jimmy's story, at one point he's at the library, where he has to ask a hard-of-hearing librarian for help by loudly exclaiming "I want to know about the male penis!" One patron is so shocked by this that his [[DodgyToupee toupée]] does a flip-take, flying several feet up off his head.[[hottip:* :In case you're curious, the answer given to the titular question is "Yes" - you're normal if you do, and normal if you don't.]]
* The 1994 film ''Spanking the Monkey'' used masturbation as a thematic and symbolic plot device (as the title suggests). The young protagonist's sexual frustration as he cares for his convalescing mother is compounded by the fact that he never gets to successfully masturbate.
* Lester in ''AmericanBeauty'' is obviously depressed, and more than once mentions masturbation in contrast with all he hates about his life. His unloving StepfordSmiler wife catches him in bed doing what he calls [[HurricaneOfEuphemisms "choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying 'hi' to my monster"]] because it's [[SexlessMarriage literally been years since she's deigned to have sex with him]]. The one time in the film they get close to, um, getting close, she stops it because she's afraid he'll spill beer all over her precious, precious furniture.
* The feature film ''Film/{{Serenity}}'' (based on the ''{{Firefly}}'' series) has a scene where a frustrated Kaylee gripes that "going on a year now, I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries!" Much to the dismay of most of the crew, who were standing near her when she mentioned this:
-->'''Mal:''' Oh, GOD! I can't know that!\\
'''Jayne:''' I could stand to hear a little more.
* There's a scene in ''MulhollandDrive'' where NaomiWatts masturbates angrily while crying. She's spiralling into depression and a mad jealousy, after a roller-coaster romance with another woman ([[spoiler: which may all have been a paranoid delusion anyway]]) leaves her feeling emotionally abused.
* The remake of ''{{Psycho|1998}}'' recreated the original virtually shot-for-shot... except that, at the end of the peephole scene, Norman glances downward, and the sound of a closing zipper is plainly audible. Kind of obvious in retrospect.
* In ''SingleWhiteFemale'', the mentally disturbed Hedy masturbates after seeing her roommate have sex.
* The scene in ''{{Pleasantville}}'' comes to mind. Some serious repression up until that point, to set a '''tree''' on fire.
* In ''VelvetGoldmine'', Arthur Stuart (played by ChristianBale) is caught masturbating by his father, and is ''kicked out of the house'' for his perceived crime. It's unclear whether the father just took a really dim view of masturbation in general, or if he noticed that his son was looking at a homoerotic image.
* The original ''{{Shrek}}'' movie finds Lord Farquaad in bed ordering a disgusted magic mirror to show him the princess... again! Farquaad peeks under the covers as though confirming some pleasant surprise. The scene seems intended to make him more creepy and villainous.
* In ''TheSilenceOfTheLambs'', Miggs, the prisoner in the cell next to Hannibal Lecter's, masturbates and flings his semen on Clarice Starling. It's this unforgivable "rudeness" that compels Lecter to aide Starling.
* In ''BeingThere'', the repressed and unhappy Eve masturbates in front of Chance when he says he "like[s] to watch," not realizing that he means it literally, and he calmly flips the channels on the TV while she writhes around.
* In ''AceVentura: When Nature Calls'', the titular character masturbates (as seen by his shadow) in a hut after a close conversation with the tribal princess. He gets walked in on by the correspondent who accompanied him. His excuse is he was just "practicing my mantra" and will finish his "meditation" in 10 minutes.
* ''Film/BlackSwan'': Somewhat averted in that Nina's time alone is suggested to her by her ballet instructor (yes, it's [[SurrealHorror that kind of movie]]), but Nina clearly has massive psychosexual issues.
* In ''A Serbian Film'', the main character's brother talks to the main character's wife about being single, and then takes a trip to the little boy's room to (predictably) masturbate. It doesn't help that at another part in the movie, a porn director talks about how the main reason porn is popular is so people can "cum into a napkin what they couldn't into a woman."
* In one scene in ''Film/AClockworkOrange'', VillainProtagonist Alex masturbates in his room after a night of "ultra-violence" while listening to [[SoundtrackDissonance Beethoven's Ninth Symphony]], staring at his sacrilegious decor, and fantasizing about violent and satanic images.
* Starinski experiences DeathBySex shortly after helping himself to a dead German soldier's porn stash and proceeding to, well, help himself in ''[[Film/{{Deathwatch 2002}} Deathwatch]]''.
* A character in ''FullMetalJacket'' was [[ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin nicknamed "Hand Job"]] for his habit of masturbating at least ten times a day. It's also an example of the "mental health/sexual frustration" variety of masturbation in that the other recruits referred to him as a "crazy fucker" and that it ultimately got him scheduled for a Section 8 discharge[[labelnote:*]]Section 8 is a military discharge for those deemed mentally unfit for service[[/labelnote]] when he was caught doing it in the waiting room after being sent to see a Navy psychologist, and he ultimately would have gotten shipped out if not for him [[spoiler:getting killed by a VC booby trap]].
* ''{{Jarhead}}''. See the quote in the entry under "Film"
* Not exactly the "military setting" described above, but: In ''TheRightStuff'', the astronauts have to provide a sperm sample. The BattleaxeNurse tells them, "the best results seem to be from fantasization, followed by masturbation, followed by ejaculation." So they head to the bathroom stalls, and the [[SemperFi Marine]] starts humming ''From the Halls of Montezuma'', and the Air Force guy joins in with ''Off We Go Into the Wild Blue Yonder''...
* ''SurvivalOfTheDead'': The female member of the National Guard unit masturbates openly in front of her fellow soldiers, because there [[SorryImGay aren't any women available]].
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Literature]]
* In Creator/StephenKing's ''TheStand'' (the book, not the miniseries), Lloyd masturbated so he could sleep after the Captain Trips superflu killed everyone in the prison but him.
** Harold Lauder has a couple of even more disturbing and squick-inducing scenes along these lines. Squick-inducing even for unrepentant masturbators.
*** This could belong in the mental health section above. The fat, homely and awkward Harold was nicknamed "Whack-Off Lauder" in high school from a rumor that he habitually masturbated into his pants. Throughout the story he gradually becomes more fit, attractive, and confident, practically thriving in the post-apocalypse world... but there are still disastrous consequences for the torment he was put through.
* Another by King, ''TheDarkTower''s Roland Deschain provides personal compensation by stating the fact that even though he's missing a few fingers on his right hand (a previously fine tuned killing machine of a hand), it's fine because "I jack off left handed."
** In a flashback, a fourteen year old Roland was planning to do this until he is called aside by Marten to show him that [[spoiler: he's been having sex with Roland's mom]]. He tops off the scene by telling Roland "I hope you enjoy your hand."
** In another flashback, Susan Delgado masturbates for the first time a few hours after meeting Roland.
** The young, psychotic Detta Walker indulged in this while doing destructive things such as breaking plates.
* Another King example, this one from ''TheTalisman'': When Jack meets the friendly bumpkin [[OurWerewolvesAreDifferent Wolf]] in the Territories, Wolf starts casually playing "pocket pool" in his overalls while explaining his role as shepherd.
* In ''TheFrogKing'' Harry resignedly wrings out 'a wank only Henry Ford could love' while his girlfriend is drunk and in the shower less than five feet away.
* Masturbation, ritual or otherwise, is a running joke in the CompleteWorldKnowledge series.
* In ''TheShockwaveRider'', Nick Haflinger moves into company housing of his new employer. He notes a kit which seems standard for such housing in the future. It contains videos, a mask with scents, and a device which women can leave pushed out and men can push in...or not. He reminds himself that he should use it a few times...but not too often. As the company will be making note of it.
* James Joyce's ''{{Ulysses}}''.
* Mother's Younger Brother does this in E.L. Doctorow's ''{{Ragtime}}''.
* Rabbit and his wife do this together in John Updike's ''Rabbit Redux''.
* "Guts", the infamous first story from ''Literature/{{Haunted 2005}} deals with stories of masturbation gone horribly, horribly wrong. Considering [[ChuckPalahniuk who it's written by]], it's not really a surprise.
* A female example in the NightHuntress books. Cat is just beginning to accept her own sexuality. A few hours after making out with her love interest, she takes a bath and accidentally touches herself. Then she does it on purpose, and ''then'' she starts to get really into it.
* A weird version in ''TheRedTent''. In the time that the book takes place, when girls get their first period their female relatives have a ceremony for them and uses a goddess statue to break their hymen. The main character Dinah actually has an orgasm.
* In IsaacAsimov's ''The Gods Themselves'', a race of parallel universe is featured which can (to an extent) control their own density and are having sex by merging with each other. Alternately, they can use the decreased density to either pull the tips of their limbs through each other (the feeling afterwards was described by someone as "nicely sleepy") or by trying to merge with a rock. To those who still don't get the analogy, the latter is called ''rock-rubbing''. Both are considered socially unacceptable.
* ''Literature/{{Deenie}}'': A book by Creator/JudyBlume, the title character mentions touching her "special place" and wondering if that's why she developed scoliosis. Blume said that a principal banned the book from his school library, saying [[PositiveDiscrimination he might've allowed it if the character were a boy]].
** Similar passages in Blume's ''Then Again, Maybe I Won't'' have made the book a favorite target of censors. Or perhaps it's because of the boy protagonist's [[NaughtyBirdwatching nocturnal activities]].
* In ''Literature/TalesOfTheOtori'', sexuality in general is given generally pragmatic treatment: occasionally it's an important part of the plot, but for the most part it's just in the background of the characters' lives. As such, masturbation is mentioned, but only... off-handedly.
* ''Literature/{{Skinny}}'' has a rather {{squick}}y scene where a young girl masturbates while in the tub.
* In Creator/RobertAHeinlein's ''Literature/ToSailBeyondTheSunset'', a wife, who has an open relationship with her husband, asks him over the phone if he's going to pick up a woman that night, and he admits he's too tired, it will just be "mother thumb and her four daughters."
* ''Literature/PortnoysComplaint'': The titular complaint is that, apparently, Jewish men aren't supposed to masturbate.
* ''Literature/AnatomyOfABoyfriend'': The main character is unable to experience "the big O" with her high school sweetheart. So after they break up, her friend buys her a personal massager. It's not for her back.
* Mentioned very matter-of-factly in both the book and [[TheFilmOfTheBook movie version]] of ''{{Jarhead}}''.
-->'''Swoff:''' Suggested techniques for the Marine to use in the avoidance of boredom and loneliness: Masturbation. Rereading of letters from unfaithful wives and girlfriends. Cleaning your rifle. Further masturbation. Rewiring Walkman. Arguing about religion and meaning of life. Discussing, in detail, every woman the Marine has ever fucked. Debating differences, such as Cuban vs. Mexican, Harleys vs. Hondas, left- vs. right-handed masturbation. Further cleaning of rifle. Studying of Filipino mail order bride catalog. Further masturbation...
* Lawrence Waterhouse from Creator/NealStephenson's ''Literature/{{Cryptonomicon}}'' spends one chapter complaining to himself about how his sex drive is inversely connected to his math skills. He comes up with a technological euphemism: [[UnusualEuphemism "Manual Override"]]. There are even ''graphs''.
** Actually, there's so much (not illogical) technical language in that section that by the time the plot resumes the reader has almost forgotten that the topic is types of sexual experience.
* While Liir is in the Household Guard in ''[[Literature/{{Wicked}} Son of a Witch]]'', it is noted that he doesn't masturbate... much.
* On the other hand masturbating during guard duty is strongly discouraged in the novel ''{{Beaufort}}'' by Ron Leshem, about an Israeli Defense Force outpost in southern Lebanon.
* Pops up in ''[[{{Outlander}} Lord John And The Succubus]]'', where one officer uses the euphemism "boxing the Jesuit", and their Austrian hosts don't get it. Lord John has to explain by way of hand gesture.
* Mentioned in ''Literature/AllQuietOnTheWesternFront''. Notably, how all the impoverished Russian [=POWs=] had even stopped masturbating.
* Mentioned in the novel ''FlightOfTheIntruder''
--> Seaman: "I've beat off so many times in the shower that I get a hardon every time it rains!"
* Mentioned in the ''BlackHawkDown'' novel, but I don't remember if it's in the movie or not.
* When CiaphasCain and his aid Jurgen get stuck on an escape pod for three weeks, Ciaphas spends time at sword practice and Jurgen locks himself in the cockpit and entertains himself in ways Ciaphas [[BrainBleach prefers not to muse over]]. Hint: Jurgen is an established connoisseur of porno slates.
* A subversion appears in a somewhat obscure POW narrative from WWII called ''Yanks Don't Cry''. When the camp doctor claims the mass outbreak of night blindness is being caused by masturbation, all of the men are horrified by the very suggestion that they could be masturbating. This may be because the author didn't want to admit to whacking off when the book was published in 1947, or have more to do with the prevailing attitudes towards masturbation at the time. At any rate, he mentions the burning envy every man felt for one inmate's ability to have lucid wet dreams whenever he wanted.
* ''Literature/AFarewellToArms'' by Creator/ErnestHemingway. The Italian officers in the mess tease the priest (who doesn't go to the brothel) by saying: "Priest every night, five against one!"
[[folder:Literature]]
* Masturbating due to a lack of social life is a running gag in ''TheAreasOfMyExpertise''.
* In the novel and movie ''Little Children''; Ronnie, who is a registered sex offender and pedophile, goes on a date with a cohort to suppress his urges, then he feels so awkward being with her that he drives to a playground and masturbates in front of her.
* In ''Literature/AConfederacyOfDunces'', the overweight, unemployed, UnsympatheticComedyProtagonist Ignatius Reilly masturbates in one scene while [[{{Squick}} fondly remembering his dead dog. Ew]]. Later on, his stained bedsheets make an appearance [[spoiler: as a protest banner, which, not surprisingly, no one wants to touch]].
* The book ''Fools Die'' mentions the ex-wife of one of the characters is advised by her psychiatrist to set aside some alone time each day to use a vibrator. Everyone in the house, including the children, refer to it as the "Happy Hour."
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Live-Action TV]]
* An episode of RobBrydon's comedy-drama series ''Human Remains'' has Rob playing a man whose compulsive masturbation apparently stems from the loss of his mother.
* There are constant jokes at Richard's expense in ''{{Bottom}}'' to show how pathetic he is (he is, in fact, a wanker). He even called his autobiography: "Richard Richard: I Did it My Way. On My Own. Quite a Lot. Now I've got a Sore Hand."
* There's an EXTREMELY uncomfortable example of female masturbation in season two ''{{Skins}}''. Maxxie's stalker Sketch breaks into his house, sneaks into his room, ''fondles and smells his underwear'', and proceeds to masturbate on his bed. When Maxxie comes home unexpectedly early, she quickly hides under his bed -- where she ''stays for the rest of the night''.
* In a ''Series/ThirtyRock'' episode, Frank mentions he has plans for Valentine's night. When asked with who, he replies "nobody".
* ''Series/{{Firefly}}'': "I'll be in my bunk." It must be *ahem* hard for Jayne, being trapped on that ship with Inara, Kaylee, Zoe, and River, and not able to touch any of them.
* ''TrueBlood''. After drinking vampiric blood to heal herself, Sookie has her libido amped up, and she begins to stroke herself at night. In a later scene she's seen rubbing herself through her shorts to satisfy her lust.
** Jason however, has a much worse run in with vampire blood. He overdosed, and he didn't need healing, so it all went to his libido. He jacked off until he developed a sore on his hand, and finally had to go to a doctor to deflate his penis.
* When a character on ''{{Bones}}'' swears off men, her unsatiated libido compels her to hit on any male she meets. To quell her advances, one of her co-workers brings his psychiatrist girlfriend to the lab, who quite sensibly recommends some solitary release as an alternative.
** When Mr. Fisher the depressed assistant gets in trouble for sleeping with a suspect, he replies:
-->'''Mr. Fisher:''' Can I please keep my job if I promise never ever to have sex again with anyone, which, by the way, suits me temperamentally? I happen to be very self-sufficient.
* Near the end of his dementia-ridden father's life, Mark Greene on ''{{ER}}'' had to stop his dad from engaging in public masturbation.
* PlayedForLaughs in ''Series/TheBigBangTheory'' when Howard, after seeing how good his robotic hand was and how real it felt while massaging his back, decided to gave the hand another use. That was until it jammed.
* One of the ''Series/AlienNation'' TV movies makes a reference to Jocelyn Elders' firing when Susan worries that Buck doesn't have an "outlet" and wants George to talk to him about not letting his fluid build up. The Tectonese are more frank about sex than most Americans, so Susan doesn't see what all the fuss was about.
* ''BrassEye'' reported a story about American senator Dale Lee Aggsby "Extracted his genitalia at a rally and manipulated them to issue" "Several quarts of reproductive mucous were expelled rhythmically into the crowd". It seemed he suffered from Prestodidwick's Congina, a rare blood disorder which causes involuntary erective pressure.
* The crew of ''Series/RedDwarf'' generally don't have much choice about this, there seldom being any women around:
-->'''Cat:''' You mean after all this, I still haven't got a date? Damn! Another year when I have to send a Valentine's card to my hand!\\
\\
'''Rimmer''' ([[spoiler:''On learning he has (briefly) become alive again'']]): Kryten! Unpack Rachel, and get out the puncture repair kit!\\
\\
'''[[spoiler:Fem!]]Rimmer''': How could you even contemplate making love to yourself?\\
'''Rimmer:''' Well, why break the habit of a lifetime?
* In ''MadMen'', Betty Draper leans against a running washing machine and orgasms while fantasizing about a door-to-door salesman who had visited the day before. (She's sexually frustrated because her husband is rarely home, and when he is he often claims to be too tired. The real reason? Like any self-respecting early-'60s executive, he has [[YourCheatingHeart multiple girls on the side]].)
* This was combined with AManIsNotAVirgin into a RunningGag for Bud Bundy and his pathetic, increasingly desperate attempts to get laid on ''MarriedWithChildren''. Getting caught doing this in the library resulted in an episode-long CrowningMomentOfFunny in the ninth season.
** Bud isn't the only one. Peg has made countless references to having to finish sex herself after Al falls asleep, as well as using an obscene amount of batteries...
** And her various shower-heads...
** During the time between Steve and Jefferson, Marcy made a reference to "doing her taxes". Which is odd, as she has shown more than once that she can "get a refund" without even being touched.
* ''Series/BetterOffTed'''s obligatory sexual harassment episode nods at this:
-->'''Veronica''': Sheila claims you propositioned her for a threesome.\\
'''Ted''': Veronica, I work full-time and I have a eight-year-old daughter. I don't even have the energy for a onesome.
* In ''{{Oz}}'', Alvarez once masturbates in his prison cell and Ryan O'Reilly, a StalkerWithACrush {{Yandere}} for Dr. Nathan, does this while thinking of her.
\\
-->'''Keller''': How many times can a guy jerk off in one day anyway?\\
'''Glynn''': I suppose it depends on the man.
\\
-->'''Alvarez''': Will you keep it down?! Some of us are trying to masturbate!
* Mentioned on several occasions but (unlike the [[UnusualEuphemism frakking]]) never actually shown in ''Series/{{Battlestar Galactica|Reimagined}}''.
* This is briefly seen (with a [[PeekABoo wall as a censor bar]]) and interrupted in HBO's ''GenerationKill''.
** One of the episodes is named "Combat Jack" for the Marines' masturbating after the adrenaline rush of a firefight.
** The book itself actively describes Marines going through this; in one case, there's even a quote from one Marine who said he had to do it three times in rapid succession, and was worried something was broken down there.
** "Hey, reporter! If you lay with your cock against the ground when a tank goes by, it feels fuckin' great!"
* ''FamilyFeud'': Questions that include a euphemism for "masturbate" are asked on a regular (at times, seemingly daily) basis. One common example is to the question, "Name something a squirrel does with a nut," to which an answer was "scratches it." ("Nut" being slang for a part of the male crotch, and scratch being the "masturbate" synonym.) However, the answer came up once during the Richard Karn-hosted era, when during an NBA Stars special, a contestant answered "masturbate" to the question, "Name something a teenaged boy could do all day?"... and it got him two points!
* Tuvok rather guiltily uses a holodeck when he Ponn Farrs in ''Series/StarTrekVoyager''. He balked at first and had to be talked into it. He did not go blind.
** It was not mentioned when Reginald Barclay got into trouble for using the holodeck with simulated other members of the crew who (in his holodeck simulation) practically worshiped Barclay. It was merely mentioned that it was wrong of him to simulate them, but no mention was made of the obvious potential there.
** In "Descent", Data mentions that he's ''tried'' to do this as he's attempted to explore his emotions, but to no effect.
* ''{{Seinfeld}}'' infamously built an entire episode around a bet over who could go the longest without masturbating, [[NotUsingTheZWord without actually using "masturbate" or any of its slang terms]]. That episode, "The Contest" made popular the meme "[[UnusualEuphemism Master of your own domain]]".
* ''Series/{{Farscape}}''. In "Sons and Lovers" Aeryn Sun suggests sex would be a practical means of relieving the UnresolvedSexualTension between her and John Crichton, without all this weird human emotional-attachment stuff he's into.
-->'''John''': "You know what? I got two hands (makes masturbating gesture) I can alternate, I can release all the tension I want. I don't need your charity."\\
'''Aeryn''': "And I don't need your emotions. But we can have sex if you want."
** In "Look At The Princess", John is pointing Braca's gun at different parts of his own body. Including, at one point, his hand:
--->'''John''': "My sex life! Kill my sex life!"
** In "Coup By Clam", Noranti decides to use the vibrating apparatus she's working with for something it was not originally intended for. This left D'Argo, who was linked to her at this point, in an awkward situation. An odd case of ADateWithRosiePalms by proxy.
* Chewbacca's dad Itchy is clearly cracking one off to Diahann Caroll during TheStarWarsHolidaySpecial. [[{{Squick}} While his grandson and daughter in law are in the other room]].
* A subplot of an episode of ''BlackBooks'' features Fran attempting to get off on the Shipping Forecast (no, not ''that'' kind of ''{{Shipping}}'') because she finds the announcer's voice irresistibly sexy.
* Discussed and shown every so often in ''SexAndTheCity'', one of the more memorable instances being Charlotte's "addiction" to the Rabbit vibrator, necessitating an "intervention" by her friends.
* Comes up quite a few times on ''{{Scrubs}}'', most notably J.D. hurting his "me-time hand".
** Also when J.D. says to Turk "Why don't you take care of yourself?" Turk responds he's only ever done that twice in his life. J.D. says the same but his monologue adds "If by "in my life" you mean "since dinner".
** Dr. Cox also gives this advice to Turk:
--->'''Dr. Cox''': I'll be more than glad to tell you what a lot of doctors do to relieve the stress: Just take a little trip to "Palmdale."\\
'''Turk:''' What?\\
'''Dr. Cox:''' Okay. Give yourself the old "low-five."\\
'''Turk:''' I'm not getting it.\\
'''Dr. Cox:''' Physician, love thyself.\\
'''Turk:''' Are you talkin' about down-town, Lester Brown?\\
'''Dr. Cox:''' Lowers the heart-rate, releases the endorphins. It's basic physiology.
** Elliot also discovers the joy of masturbating in one of the earlier episodes (thanks to Carla's advice about washing machines).
* A reference was [[ExecutiveMeddling explicitly removed]] from an episode of Series/MontyPythonsFlyingCircus: during the [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwAOc4g3K-g#t=2m15s "All-England Summarize Proust" competition]], Graham Chapman lists his favorite hobbies as "strangling animals, golf and masturbation", which forces the host to kick him out seeing as 'golf's not very popular around here'. The BBC forced them to remove the word from reruns, despite objections from the cast. "Everybody masturbates!" Terry Jones apparently retorted to the head of quality control. "Don't you masturbate, sir?" Unfortunately that didn't work, and most home video copies contain the [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hx8Qc6Lv_7w#t=2m58s clumsily edited version]] (though notice the subtitles include 'masturbation')
* From a Hoedown on ''Series/WhoseLineIsItAnyway'':
-->'''Drew:''' Let me tell you, ever since I was thirteen / You've given me the best lovin' that I've ever seen. / Let me tell ya something, that I know you can't stand / I've been cheating on you with my other hand!
* Series/{{House}} has on multiple occasions made snarky jokes about viewing porn in his office and masturbating. Given most of the walls are made of glass one hopes he is joking. Being that he's House, who knows.
** Appears to be true, and not just a House snark. At least we know from Cameron that he keeps his porn in the second desk drawer.
** There's also a rather squicky clinic scene where House deduces that a toddler's symptoms are result of this.
** When Wilson was staying with House he arrives at his apartment to find a stethoscope on the doorknob:
--->'''Wilson''': You said... you'd hang the stethoscope if you were having sex.\\
'''House''': I didn't say it had to be with another person.\\
'''Wilson''': [...] I was waiting out there for hours!\\
'''House''': Well, I need a lot of foreplay. And then there's the cuddling afterwards.
** As of season six, we now also have House freaking Wilson when he walks into the living room to find House is "picking lint out of his belly button." Which he later happily admits he wasn't actually doing. In addition, in Private Lives his answer to Wilson's question about what he's doing that night is simply a gleeful "Masturbating!"
** When House went bowling with Chase (in "No More Mr. Nice Guy"), he explained that this was because bowling isn't "one of the two things guys do by themselves." Chase, knowing House very well, asked what the ''second'' thing is... "Other hand," replies House.
* In ''Series/HowIMetYourMother'', Marshall was worried about "reading a magazine" at work. Barney answered that he (Barney) "reads a magazine" several times at work. Barney was talking about masturbation, whereas Marshall was talking about taking a deuce at work.
** Also in episode 13 of the sixth season, he's asked to do it in order to get his sperm checked by a doctor. However, it becomes quite difficult to carry out...
* Johnny Vegas, on an episode of {{QI}}, joked that Kellogg's Corn Flakes were designed to prevent masturbation in young boys.
--> '''StephenFry:''' Johnny Vegas, [[TheCuckoolanderWasRight take some points]]!"
--> '''Johnny Vegas:''' ''(surprised)'' "You're Joking!"
* The UK's Channel 4 attempted as series of documentaries under the banner "Wank Week". [[MoralGuardians This was met with the inevitable response]].
* [[{{Spaced}} and suddenly - phht! Bingo! You wake up. And you're lying there sweating, desperately looking for the tissue which you ''know'' is still in your pocket, and the remote control which is ''somewhere'' on the floor, and it's like walking in on yourself, you know? It's just like "What you doing?"]]
* Mal alludes to masturbation in the ''Series/{{Firefly}}'' episode "Our Mrs. Reynolds," where he comments that "no one but me's taken hold of my plow in a good long while."
** Though she doesn't do anything visible, River also has an intense reaction to Zoe and Wash making out on the bridge in "Objects In Space," and, in the BigDamnMovie, she spies on [[spoiler:Simon and Kaylee]] making love in the engine room.
*** "Ceiling River is watching you procreate."
* In one episode of ''Series/{{CSI}}'', a 12-year-old girl is found to be sexually abused and her brother is suspected when his semen is found on her nightdress. He gets interrogated harshly but can't stick up for himself until Nick quietly takes him to the side and tells him that there's nothing wrong with masturbation. The brother then admits that the nightdress was the closest thing he could grab to clean up after himself but that he was too ashamed to tell the police this. [[spoiler:It was her dad, who had also raped her.]]
** In a more serious example, a peeping tom's activities kept escalating, which, according to Catherine, would eventually lead to breaking-and-entering and rape (they did.) The clue to this was that, while earlier he had limited himself to peeping and stalking, they suddenly found evidence of him masturbating at the scene.
* Used in the episode "Out on a Limb" of ''Series/ArrestedDevelopment''. Lindsay notes that she has hit 3 climaxes in one night plenty of times. A flashback clip shows she is by herself during such
* Nancy Grace asked what a caller would think the buzzing sound is on her phone as compared to Scott Peterson's when she covered his murder trial. One of the lawyers suggested that the caller would think it's her vibrator.
* It's referenced a few times on ''Series/{{Supernatural}}''. The most blatant example comes in "I Believe The Children Are Our Future", where, due to [[spoiler:the influence of the Antichrist]], Dean winds up with hairy palms. His explanation? "Got bored. That nurse was hot."
* A ''Series/ThatMitchellAndWebbLook'' sketch features a pair of self-employed work-from-home types who meet at a party and, while their wives are getting the drinks, admit to each other that they've yet to fully overcome the 'have a lot of covert wanks while my wife is out the house at work' issue.
* In a third season episode of ''Series/{{Entourage}}'', Johnny Drama is filming his first scene in a new television pilot. However, as the director keeps making his monologue longer and more difficult, Drama starts to have a panic attack. However, remembering advice that Turtle gave him earlier, he proceeds to release some stress. Of course Drama being [[ButtMonkey Drama]], he forgets to turn off his microphone and the whole studio crew hears him
* The 10-year-old Sally Draper in ''Series/MadMen'' is caught masturbating (fully clothed) to [[TheManFromUNCLE Ilya Kuryakin]] while at a sleepover at a friend's house. Neither the friend's mother (who caught her) nor Betty was amused. It's possible she simply didn't know what she was doing, though - it's not uncommon for children younger than her to realize that touching yourself in certain places feels good, and it's likely the sexual education classes of the early 1960s wouldn't have helped to clear anything up...
** In an earlier episode, the team try to find a way to advertise something that claims to be a way of losing weight, but really is actually a device for female masturbation. (Or, 'a way of simulating a man, without the man'.) When Peggy first tries it on and realizes what it is she is shocked, but by the end of the episode, she is seen looking at it speculatively and pulling it out of the box.
* On ''Series/TheColbertReport'' Stephen reacts to political candidate Christine O'Donnell's claim that masturbation is a form of adultery by marrying his hand, just to be safe. In a later episode he's shocked to realize that that might make him gay because he's been "doing it with a dude."
* ''Series/OutrageousFortune'' has enough examples it could probably have it's own page.
* In ''Series/That70sShow'', Fez, Eric and Kelso, mainly Fez, have mentioned their fondness for hands-on love. We don't know about Hyde, but he voiced his support for the practice -- when Fez asked how much masturbation is too much, Hyde responded, "There's no such thing as too much."
** Nina, Fez's co-worker and later girlfriend [[spoiler:whom he finally loses his virginity to]], lampshades this by noticing that Fez's right hand is "stronger" than the other. Fez just says he's taken up fencing.
** It's also mentioned, that Donna does it too, but she "makes an evening of it", with music and candles. Hyde wonders whether Jackie masturbates also, but he reasons that she doesn't, because "she won't even go to a self-serve gas station."
** Kelso gets a job donating sperm at a sperm bank. The gang is in the basement sharing a bowl of popcorn, when he comes back from his job. He takes the bowl, dips his right hand in to take a handful then asks, "Who else wants some?" Everyone yells, "NO!"
** In one episode, someone has been breaking into the record store, so they set up a camera, and they find out Fez has been living there.
--> '''Fez:''' I thought I was alone...
--> '''Hyde:''' I've known Fez for a long time. And if he thought he was alone, we need to turn this off ''right'' now.
* Sid from ''Series/{{Skins}}'' is shown masturbating in the pilot episode, although it's debatable whether he falls into the 'nerdy loser' version of this trope. Knowing ''Skins'', there are probably definitely a million other *ahem* meetings with Rosie Palms within the show.
* In an episode of ''Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer'', Buffy herself alludes to masturbating to a friend in 5th grade. "I moped over you for months. Sitting in my room listening to that Divinyls song 'I Touch Myself'". Which she pretends to have not known what it meant at the time. Considering Willow and Tara "doing spells" together -- well, they are into magic (and [[LesYay each other]]) - Xander says, "Sometimes I think about two girls doing a spell together... and then I go do a spell by myself."\\
** In season 7 Andrew has locked himself in the bathroom to edit his documentary on Buffy.
--->'''Anya:''' For God's sakes, Andrew. You've been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing?\\
'''Andrew:''' Entertaining and educating.\\
'''Anya:''' Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?\\
** When Xander tells the others he's taking Anya to the prom:
-->''"Choice is kind of a broad term for my situation. See, it's either Anya or the sock puppet of love for this boy. (holds his right hand in puppet shape, speaks in silly voice) I love you, Xander. I'll never leave you."''
** Buffy's not the only Slayer to do this. In ''Chaos Bleeds,'' upon finding a stake Faith might comment on keeping it under her bed as a dildo. Ya gotta pity whoever that thing's used on after she's put it Lord knows where. The comics suggest she still does this.
** Then of course there was the episode ''Hush'' where it looks like Buffy's idea of beating the Gentlemen is to beat them off.
** Willow accuses Oz of doing this when he won't see her. Turns out it's because he's about to turn into a werewolf and he wants to protect her.
** In the episode "Band Candy" all the adults are turned into children, and Cordelia says her father was doing this in the bathroom.
* Blaine in ''Series/{{Glee}}''. In "The First Time" he is having a conversation with his boyfriend Kurt about sex. Up to this point, they have agreed on taking things slowly, but now they're exploring the possibility of doing the deed. When Kurt asks him if he's ever tempted to go there with him, he replies that yeah, he is, but [[ADateWithRosiePalms "that's why they invented masturbation"]], implying as a bonus that he [[GettingCrapPastTheRadar thinks of Kurt when he engages in such activity]].
* Rom of ''Franchise/StarTrek: Series/StarTrekDeepSpaceNine'': the sexually frustrated Ferengi had been giving himself Oo-mox.
* In a spoof VerySpecialEpisode of ''Series/{{Roseanne}}'' in which D.J... * cough* figures out how his plumbing works and ends up spending over an hour in the bathroom, Darlene explains to their puzzled father (and the howling audience) that it means "...he's either ''really good'' at it... or ''really bad'' at it."
** A similar plot was used in ''Series/{{Weeds}}''.
* ''Series/MyWifeAndKids'': Junior manages to "sprain" his penis from overuse on one episode.
* An episode of ''Series/TheHughleys'' had D.L.'s wife remark that their son's been taking two to three showers a day now, and must be "the cleanest boy in the neighborhood." D.L. and their neighbor exchange knowing looks, and the neighbor replies "or the dirtiest." The two men then use a series of artful euphemisms to gently explain to the mother what's ''really'' going on. Hilarity ensues through the episode, as with every appearance, their son says or does something suggestive of his new hobby, like furiously pumping a bottle of mustard to wring out the last few drops.
* On ''Series/TheLeagueOfGentlemen'', Harvey Denton has a bizarre paranoia about walking into the living room to find his nephew, [[OnlySaneMan Benjamin]], "shaking the hot, white coconuts from the tree of love", "conducting himself in a solo symphony", or engaged in any other of a slew of {{Unusual Euphemism}}s.
* In ''Series/TheYoungOnes'', Rick has accidentally killed Neil. He buries the body in the garden, then can't sleep as his conscience reproaches him. He imagines himself on trial, then imagines some pretty girls in the courtroom pleading for him to be spared, then imagines them taking their clothes off, then he starts wanking off until his conscience yells at him to stop it.
* In ''Series/{{Parenthood}}'' the grandfather--concerned about the ecological impact of Drew taking five showers a day--decides they must have TheTalk.
* ''Series/{{Degrassi}}'' as it already tackled NoPeriodsPeriod back in Season 1, had a plot in Season 8 over self-gratification. Jane admits to Clare and Alli she does own a vibrator, acting in a BigBrotherMentor fashion that being interested in sexual gratification isn't a bad thing, and it's a good thing to seek it from yourself. Eventually Clare gets 'the talk' she wanted from her mother over these subjects. She called it awkward.
* In ''Series/BlackBooks'', Fran's subplot in the episode "The Big Lockout" basically involves her having a wank while listening to the shipping forecast because she finds the voice of the guy who's delivering it irresistibly arousing.
* In the US version of ''Series/QueerAsFolk'', Ted has watched so many porno tapes that when a customer asks the cashier of the porno shop for a suggestion in which tape to rent, the cashier directs the customer to Ted.
* On ''Series/TeenWolf'' in the eleventh episode of season 2, when Coach Finstock is finally going to let Stiles, who is normally a bench-warmer, into a lacrosse game this comes up.
-->'''Stiles:''' I'm playing? On the field? With the team?\\
'''Finstock:''' Yes! Unless you'd rather play with yourself!\\
'''Stiles:''' I already did that today. Twice.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Music]]
* The DresdenDolls song "Shores of California" says that "The girls are crying and the boys are masturbating" because guys want sex and girls want romance.
** On the subject of the Dolls, the song "First Orgasm" is about a lonely girl masturbating on a Thursday morning and eventually declaring, "I think I could last at least week without someone to hold me".
* From "Telepathy" by Swans: "I saw you through the window/Masturbating to the violence" (by the standards of M. Gira's work, this is a fairly tame example)
* "Homemade" by Sebadoh is about becoming addicted to masturbation due to depression and loneliness.
* "Touch of my Hand" by BritneySpears is about appreciating self-love in the absence of one's partner.
* "Oops (Oh My)" by Tweet; she admires herself in the mirror while touching herself
* Diva Destruction's "The Broken Ones" appears to be about this:
-->Pornography exposed
-->Innocence unrobed
-->Masturbate your emptiness
-->Fornicate your selfishness
* {{Weezer}}'s "Why Bother" is about giving up on romantic relationships due to fear of heartbreak, and briefly mentions masturbation in this context:
-->But it's just sexual attraction
-->Not something real, so I'd rather keep whacking
* A lot of people thought the song "Holdin' My Own" by TheDarkness was about masturbation, though the band themselves denied this.
* The song "Unglued" by Stone Temple Pilots is about masturbation.
** As is their song "Crackerman". ''Slightly'' more subtle than "Unglued" but still painfully obvious in the first stanza.
* The Australian band The Divinyls has a song titled "I Touch Myself"; you can guess what that implies.
* Ska band Desorden Publico has a song, "Manuela", who is half IntercourseWithYou, half this trope, down to the title (who is a transparent allusion to the way "Rosie Palms" is known in Spanish). To add controversy to the mix, part of the lyrics are taken from real letters that the Liberator Simon Bolivar sent to his lover Manuela Saenz.
* Mexican Hard Rock band Cuca also has a song called "Manuela". Translated loosely, the first verse has the singer bragging that because of his ...habit, he "is a being incapable of being manipulated, because he's self-sufficient, and even believes he's intelligent"
* There's an old Cuban song [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBnG5DVi4x0 "Manuela no me pelea"]] ("Manuela doesn't fight with me"), about a man who lives a wonderful life because he can party late and his wife Manuela doesn't get mad and fight him. Anyone who doesn't get this--whether or not they speak Spanish--is officially living under a rock.
* "Blister in the Sun", by Violent Femmes. ("Big Hands, I know you're the one...")
* "Pictures of Lily", by TheWho.
* "Rosie" by JacksonBrowne; it's pretty blatant in the chorus. "Rosie, you wear my ring" and "I got to hand it to me" indeed...
* "Get a Grip" by Semisonic.
* "Teenage Kicks" by the Undertones.
* "Thinking About You" by Radiohead.
* [[CaptainObvious "Orgasm Addict" by the Buzzcocks.]]
** Not as obvious, "Fiction Romance" also by the Buzzcocks. Giveaway phrases include references to "magazine pages," and that the fantasized lover(s) "can be yours just by taking hold."
* "Vibrator Dependent" by Mojo Nixon.
* "Praying Hands" by Devo.
* "Muscle of Love" by Alice Cooper.
* Chuck Berry's "My Ding-a-Ling" blends this trope with a bucketload of DoubleEntendre.
* Billy Joel's "Sometimes a Fantasy" (in the context of phone sex)
* Music/ToriAmos' "Icicle" is about doing this... in church.
** To be more specific, it's about her getting off to Jesus while her father is singing prayers downstairs.
* Reverend Horton Heat's "One Time for Me" is about getting off on watching somebody ''else'' doing this.
* "She Bop" by Cyndi Lauper.
* "Touching Me Touching You" by Squeeze. "I'm always touching myself/ I've got nothing else to do/ And when I'm touching myself/ I'm always thinking about you...."
* "Fingers" and "U + Ur Hand" by {{Pink}}, with the latter song suggesting that jerks in the bar will have to settle for this, because she's not interested.
* "It's Only Me (the Wizard of Magicland)" by Barenaked Ladies.
* "Later Tonight" by the PetShopBoys is subtler than some examples here but still unambiguous.
* "Imaginary Lover" by the Atlanta Rhythm Section. One of the rare examples of a song that's unambiguously about masturbation and managed to still become a US Top 10 hit (Yes, it was TheSeventies)
* In one of his racier lyrics, Music/WeirdAlYankovic's "One More Minute" contains the line: "I'm stranded all alone at the gas station of love and I have to use the self-service pump".
* Implied at the end of Big Star's "Back of a Car".
* Kunt and the Gang's appropriately-titled "[[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UbApLud2Po Have a Wank]]".
* Masturbation is pretty much the signature subject of British comedian Ivor Biggun, who has at LEAST half a dozen songs about it such as "I'm a Wanker", "The Wanker's Rock and Roll", and "Wanking Your Blues Away".
* Music/GreenDay's "Longview". "Bite my lip and close my eyes, take me away to paradise...", "When masturbation's lost its fun..." , "some say quit or I'll go blind", and "I'm so damn bored I'm going blind", in reference to the myth.
** Then there's "All By Myself", the HiddenTrack on that same album. "I was all by myself/there was nobody looking/I was thinking of you."
** A song from the GreenDay side-project The Network is called "Right Hand-A-Rama" and is about [[ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin exactly what you think it's about.]]
* {{Madonna}}'s song "Secret" is clearly about this: "Happiness lies in your own ''hand''..."
* Music/{{Aerosmith}}'s "Shake the Rattlesnake".
* "Zwitter" by Rammstein is about a hermaphrodite who is in love with hirself, and even claims to be able to make hirself conceive...
* "Menage a Moi" by Chick [=McGee=] of [[http://www.bobandtom.com The Bob And Tom Show]].
* t.A.T.u's song "Prostie Dvijenia" ("Simple Moves"). It's all about masturbation. Check out the music video sometime.
* JonLajoie's "alone in the universe" is about nothing but masturbation.
* "My [[PunnyName Wena]]" by Bowling For Soup: "She's only happy when I'm holding her tight/Oh, my Wena/Take a look at my Wena"
* Jellyfish's "He's My Best Friend", where lots of double entendre makes it clear that the "friend" in question is actually the narrator's penis (a couple of the more blatant examples being "my hand's a five leaf clover /it's palm sunday over and over" and "I pick him up when he's feeling down / I guess he's always been hanging around"). Funnily enough, [[LyricalDissonance the music is innocent-sounding enough]] that the song [[IsntItIronic was included on an official itunes "Friendship Songs Mix"]].
* Mindless Self Indulgence's song [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyKDNp9uRSY Masturbates]]. The name says it all, really.
* "Boy" by Book of Love": "I sit at home at night, and play with my toys"
* Captain Jack - "Little Boy".
* "Guys Eyes" by Animal Collective appears to be about masturbating so as not to look like all the narrator wants his girlfriend for is fox sex. See lines: "I really want to do just what my body wants to, I really want to show to my girl that I want her", "I want to do what my body needs to, I want to show to my girl that I need her", and "I started using my mind, And I used my hands, It was what I want to do"
* "Part of Me" by {{Tool}}.
** "Thinking of You" by APerfectCircle.
* The Music/{{Gorillaz}} song "DARE" has been interpreted this way, although (like many Gorillaz songs) it's unclear whether it was actually meant to mean anything in particular.
* TheDecemberists' "BillyLiar." "[[UnusualEuphemism Decked by a Japanese geisha with a garland of pearls]]," indeed.
* BawdySong "Masturbation", to the tune of "Alouette":
-->Masturbation, we like masturbation!
-->Masturbation, we like to masturbate!
-->(leader) How I love to choke my chicken!
-->(response) How he loves to choke his chicken!
-->(l) Choke my chicken!
-->(r) Choke his chicken!
-->(l) Masturbate!
-->(r) Masturbate!
-->[Chorus]
-->continue with "spank my monkey", "bash the bishop", "beat my meat", "jerk the Turk" et cetera ad nauseam.
* "Never Enough" by TheCure.
* Subverted with "Jizz in my Pants" by TheLonelyIsland.
* "Darling Nikki" by {{Prince}} from the movie PurpleRain begins out with "I knew a girl named Nikki, I guess you could say she was a sex fiend / I met her in a hotel lobby, masturbating with a magazine." This was the song that prompted Tipper Gore to establish the [[MoralGuardians PMRC]] and require the Explicit Advisory sticker on raunchy recordings.
* EltonJohn's "Jamaica Jerk-Off".
** More subtly, "Tiny Dancer in my hand..."
* Subverted by the video for JessicaSimpson's song ''A Public Affair'', of all places. When Jessica and her hot friends come up to the counter to get their roller skates, the attendant reaches into his pocket and starts digging in his pants. Jessica and her friends are {{Squick}}ed out until the attendant pulls out his camera, whic is what he was actually reaching for. The girls are both relieved and happy to pose for pictures.
* "The Big 'M'" by Lust Control
* "Depuis que tu n'es plus là" by the French comedian Max Boublil sounds like a romantic song at first but it really is about masturbation. He even says that he is going to marry his right hand.
* "Lonely Is The Night" by Billy Squier
** His song, "The Stroke" was believed to be about masturbation, until the singer revealed its about being on the receiving end of a handjob. Which is close, but no cigar.
*** No, it's about [[MusicIsPolitics the process of getting a record deal]].
* "Dancing With Myself" by Billy Idol. " Well there's nothing to lose, and ther's nothing to prove, I'll be dancing with myself"
** Billy has said MANY TIMES that it's about Japanese dance clubs. And yet no one really listens...
* Mr.Bungle has "Girls Of Porn" a funky song about the world of porn and all it's crazy little genres, obviously PlayedForLaughs. Then they have the song "Dead Goon" a song about a loner kid who dies while participating in a round of auto-erotic asphyxiation in his mother's panties and the family walking.
* "Pink Thing" by {{XTC}} ("When I stroke your head I feel a hundred heartbeats high"). WordOfGod is that it's about a father's love for a newborn baby, but it's so full of innuendo that there's no way Andy Partridge didn't have a double meaning in mind.
* "You're Makin' Me High" by Toni Braxton is mostly IntercourseWithYou, but the song begins with "I'll always think of you inside of my private thoughts/I can imagine you touching my private parts/With just the thought of you/I can't help but touch myself." It doesn't help that she starts moaning in the background towards the end of the song.
* Music/TheLonelyIsland's "Watch Me Do Me" is ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin.
* Music/BrunoMars' "The Lazy Song" has a line where he says he can "put my hand in my pants" because "nobody will tell me I can't."
* ChristinaAguilera has her ode to all sorts of self love in "Vanity".
--->every time I look at me/I turn myself on, yeah/I turn myself on, yeah
---> Can't love no one else/Love yourself
* Music/DaYoopers' "Da Couch Dat Burps" is preceded by a skit in which the singer (Sandy Kempa) says, "Sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand."
** Much later, on ''We're Still Rockin''', they did a punk-styled song about how "[[UnusualEuphemism shuckin' da cob]]" made the singer a man, despite his parents telling him it'd make him blind.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Mythology]]
* In EgyptianMythology, this was how the world was ''created'', by the god Atum masturbating the universe into existence.
** It's even {{squick}}ier in the R-Rated version of the myth, where Atum actually ejaculates into his mouth, whereupon he spits out his children Shu and Tefnut. No joke, Egyptian theologians debated for ''centuries'' whether the world's first female was Atum's hand or his mouth.
* ''GreekMythology'': guess what Zeus, his brother Poseidon and his son Hermes did simultaneously onto a bull skin in order to create the hero Orion.
** Most versions say they urinated into it, actually. The name Orion means "the urinated one"
* It's the very same god Hermes who, according to Diogenes, taught the trick to his son Pan pining for the nymph Echo, to relieve his suffering. Pan, in turn, learned the habit to the shepherds.
* ''Literature/{{Bible}}''An older name for masturbation, ''onanism'', comes from a misinterpretation of a passage in the Hebrew/Christian [[http://biblebrowser.com/genesis/38-9.htm book of Genesis]], thus making the trope OlderThanDirt. The actual event mentioned was Onan having sex with his late brother's wife. (This was practiced to keep the dead person's line from dying out.) Not wanting to sire a child that would not have been considered his, he 'spilled his seed' (pulled out before climax) on the ground instead, and was stricken for his disrespect.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Professional Wrestling]]
* Referenced in a zing by CMPunk in his [[Series/MysteryScienceTheater3000 MST3K]]-like commentary of ''Wrestling/{{WWE}} NXT'' Season 3 ([[MsFanservice the Rookie Divas season]]) during a promo challenge when one of the Divas talks about the old "view people in their underwear" public speaking trick.
--> '''CM Punk''': You know, it's funny, [[GettingCrapPastTheRadar I'm actually not wearing pants, and that's how I watch NXT every week.]]
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Tabletop Games]]
* Regent Fokuf in ''{{Exalted}}'' is regarded as a completely boneheaded puppet leader for the Realm for two reasons. One is that he rubber stamps anything that comes past his desk without a care for the contents. The other is that he spends the rest of the day getting off on the saucier passages in the Realm's religious documents.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Theatre]]
* ''Theatre/AvenueQ'': Just grab your dick and double-click for porn, porn, porn!]].
* ''Theatre/{{RENT}}'': Mucho masturbation!
* ''Theatre/MeAndMyDick'': Unsurprisingly has this as it's about sexual organs. Joey and Dick try to masturbate in the opening scene even! Later Vanessa and Flopsy imply they're about to.
* In the musical ''SpringAwakening'', it's mostly played for laughs when Hanschen is masturbating to a post card of a girl, but he is also sexually disturbed as he dreams of raping her.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Video Games]]
* ''[[VideoGame/GrandTheftAuto Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas]]'' has a gag where one of the Brit junkies starts "having an appointment with Dr. Hans Jerkov" in Madd Dogg's studio.
** It's a sort of running gag--the guy is apparently addicted to it.
* In ''VisualNovel/FateStayNight'', one of the side effects of [[spoiler:Zouken's magical parasite worms]] on Sakura is increased sexual frustration, which she tries to cope with through masturbation. It doesn't work, but she [[IntimateHealing moves on to Shirou]] [[GoodPeopleHaveGoodSex soon enough]].\\
** Another is Shirou's erotic dream about Tohsaka in the same route. It's implied that this is something related to Rider and Sakura when we see Tohsaka's eyes, as they are the same as Rider's real ones. Also, he awakens with the same drained feeling as when Sakura has been leeching his magical energy. However, it's merely played as something to embarrass Shirou and never comes up again after talking to Tohsaka the next day.
* When ordering a Riflemen squad to move something in ''CompanyOfHeroes'', the unit leader may reply to your order with: "Drop your dicks and move out!"
* ''{{Half-Life}}'': One of the rewards offered to Combine grunts appears to be some sort of 'alone time' - especially useful given the [[NoSexAllowed suppression field preventing natural sex]].
-->'''Radio operator:''' [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cF3k37j_wc4#t=3m14s Reminder:]] 100 sterilize credits qualifies [[ExpospeakGag non-mechanical reproduction simulation]].
* ''VideoGame/MassEffect'' has a ''very'' subtle mention of this if a male Shepard decides to rebuff Ashley's advances toward the end of the game. She shrugs and says she'll head back to her own bunk to "find my own entertainment". A specific dialog choice when asking Kaidan about his past will have Shepherd indirectly, but pretty obviously, ask if he and the other teenagers in biotics training coped with boredom, loneliness and home-sickness with mutual masturbation; Alenko replies that it's not the sort of thing he does "lightly".
** That is a possible interpretation, though Occam's Razor would suggest Shepard thought they were hooking up and having rather than engaging in ''mututal masturbation''...
** In ''VideoGame/MassEffect2'', there's a quarian on Ilium who mentions that she's had a neural stimulator (which "every responsible adult has") installed on her suit, capping off a background conversation about her breaking it off with her human boyfriend. Her turian friend (and probably the player) goes "[[FlatWhat what]]" at this knowledge. Sadly, it's only ''then'' that they notice that you're listening in...
-->'''Quarian:''' Ugh, excuse me human, private conversation?
** Tali's dossier in the Lair of the Shadow Broker DLC hints ''very'' strongly at this -- along with her lingering crush on Shepard.
*** [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOMNMojfono All but confirmed]] in ''VideoGame/MassEffect3''.
* ''VideoGame/MetalGearSolid'': In an optional (and hysterical) scene, Snake can call Otacon on his CODEC while playing... with his "Solid Snake" during the Tanker Mission. Raiden can be indirectly accused of doing this later.
** Snake's response removes all doubt. "You were watching?!"
* In ''VideoGame/{{Disgaea 2|Cursed Memories}}'', Tink mentions that old habits (taking long showers) die hard, even though he is a frog.
** Lovely Rod: Makes a nice present for your girlfriend.
* In ''VideoGame/DragonAgeII'', Isabela notes that since she's usually the only female on her ship and doesn't typically let her crewmen touch her, she makes sure they get plenty of "alone time."
** And in the first game, [[BoisterousBruiser Oghren]] remarks that he deals with "tension" by "polishing his sword" and asks Alistair if he does the same; when Alistair reacts with shocked embarrassment ("I think that's private!" and "You do it in the open, where other people can see you? That's disgusting!") Oghren pretends to have meant the comment innocently.
*** Considering he has a similar conversation with Wynn about Alistair 'twirling his pike' (it turns out he was being serious), it's possible he actually wasn't making any implications.
* In ''NoMoreHeroes2'', pay attention to Travis after Henry wakes up from his dream fight with Mimmy. He's sitting in his chair jerking off, and freaks when Henry wakes up. It gets even funnier when you hear the Bizarre Jelly theme in the background.
* In ''VideoGame/KatawaShoujo'', Lilly does this while Hisao is blindfolded in their third h-scene.
* When Jak is challenged to beat a score in ''VideoGame/Jak3Wastelander'', Daxter's reply is that Jak "beats" things all the time.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Web Animation]]
* In the ''WebAnimation/MattNDusty'' episode "We Are Legend", Dusty has to choose between pleasuring himself in an airport restroom or spending time with Matt (literally the last living thing on Earth). [[spoiler: He ends up dragging the whole airport restroom down to the lobby]].
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Web Comics]]
* In ''QuestionableContent'', after a date in which [[FinaglesLaw everything went wrong]], Steve [[http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1556 gets off in Marten's bathroom]].
** Then there's the one where Faye's new shrink suggests it as an outlet for sexual frustration. [[http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=808 It's no longer doing the job for Faye.]]
* Honeybee Samuel's curse afflicting Candi in the CiemWebcomicSeries makes it so that masturbation is the only thing (never explicitly mentioned in the comics) that keeps Candi sane when she begins having EroticDreams about Denny. When she decides she doesn't like resorting to that, especially after she gets Donte back, she has actual sex with him regularly to avoid the need. The books intend to give a little more mention to her issue.
* Several characters in ''MenageA3''.
** Unbeknowst to him, Gary's activity is used as "background music" for Matt and Dillon's lovemaking.
** Zii, watching all-male pornography while calling [=DiDi=]'s name. She does not notice the contradiction there.
* There's a weird example (which isn't actually masturbation) in ''Webcomic/ElGoonishShive''. Elliot completely fails at fantasizing about women, which his girlfriend Sarah and her friend Susan discuss at length. Susan thinks he should be praised for his restraint, while Sarah thinks it isn't healthy.
-->'''Sarah:''' Don't you remember [[GenderBender what it's like being a teenage boy]]?\\
'''Susan:''' I try not to.
* In ''Webcomic/JetDream'', while Marlene claims a lack of interest in romance of any sort after [[GenderBender her sex change]], she also makes several veiled references to using "the science of vibration" or her "Jet Dream Vibrostick" to deal with her new feminine urges.
* ''PKComic'' directly references this trope in [[http://www.pk-comic.com/comic0016.html this comic]]
* The webcomic ''SexyLosers'' had an entire storyline, "Mike's Left Hand", where the title character was a shameless, guiltless chronic masturbator. He even wrote books and taught classes on how to masturbate. His sister was later shown to be exactly the same way. Mike's roommate, unable to avoid him, steadily went insane (though he eventually recovered).
* ''{{Wonderella}}'' shows [[http://nonadventures.com/2006/09/30/a-flash-of-despair/ here]] that she'd rather play "''HelloKitty The Home Game if you know what I mean''" than save the city from monsters and stuff.
** And there's "[[http://nonadventures.com/2007/07/07/hardware-conflict/ Lil' Pinky]]" the robot spy. The places he has been... the wonders he has seen...
* In ''Webcomic/SabrinaOnline'', the title character gets walked in on by her roommate during a "hands-on" cybersex session with her (as yet unseen) online boyfriend, "RC". (Whom Amy dubs "Sticky Fingers").
* In ''Webcomic/SparklingGenerationValkyrieYuuki'', as Yuuki is coming to grips with his [[GenderBender Gender Bent]] status, (s)he finds himself getting heated up by his own reflection in the bathroom mirror. After a brief self-{{Squick}} over this, he decides that a quick [[ManIFeelLikeAWoman "hand-check"]] couldn't hurt. [[http://www.sgvy.com/archives/Edda1/Issue5/Page3.html It swiftly turns not-so-quick.]]
-->'''Caption:''' An Hour Later.\\
'''Hermod''': Yuuki! I'm hungry. Where's the food?\\
'''Yuuki''' (off-screen): *PANT* D-Down *PANT* The hall, in the... Ki-Kitch... OHHHHHH ''' ''YESSS!!'' '''\\
'''Hermod''' (walking away): Not going near there for the rest of the night...
* ''Webcomic/TheOrderOfTheStick'' had Belkar recommend to a half-naked implied sex partner that, while he finished his sandwich(es), she should start a "solo adventure" until he could join the quest. This did not go over entirely well with the entire audience, or the [[WhatDoYouMeanItsNotForKids presumed audience]].
** Belkar also made an onanistic reference when one of his party-mates was turned into a female by a cursed belt. Upon seeing that character restored to his proper form, he asked where the hot chick had gone off to; when told that 'she would never be coming back,' he responded with "[[{{Squick}} that's okay, I can always preserve the memory of her for when I'm... alone]]." Of course, he's merely trying to {{Squick}} out Roy, who he knows was the girl during a moment of GenderBender.
** [[HalfHumanHybrid Therkla]] tells [[SpoonyBard Elan]] that he's "Grade-A, lock-the-bathroom-door, 'No, Ma, I'm just taking a long shower,' fantasy material."
* The ''MagicalGirlLyricalNanoha'' FanWebComic by [[http://www.entropymax.com Entropy Max]], has another {{Gender Bender}}ed example having a more intimate encounter with his new body in Yuuno. In his case, he was discovered in the act by [[TheStoic Admiral Leti]]... [[http://img22.imageshack.us/img22/8426/nanorr42translated.png who proceeded to give him tips on how to masturbate as a female]].
* QuestionableContent has a full [[http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1378 story arc]] about Dora helping Faye to tame her libido.
* ''KhaosKomix'': quickly mentionned with Amber and her HomoeroticDream of Nay, more relevant to the plot is Alex's habit; he borderlines {{asexuality}}, except for his masturbation habit, which apparently takes precious time he could use playing videogames. ''[[SingleTargetSexuality And then he meets Tom]]''.
** Jamie also has a scene of this nature about Charlie that's much more disturbing than sexy because of his ''massive'' guilt/sexuality issues.
* Barry has a moment in [[http://www.realmofatland.com/?p=50 this]] ''{{Atland}}'' strip.
* Ben from ''Webcomic/{{Loserz}}'', as mentioned in [[http://the-qlc.com/loserz/go/119 this strip]].
* Graphically overheard in [[http://wapsisquare.com/comic/me-time/ this]] WapsiSquare comic.
* One of Davan's previous girlfriends in SomethingPositive nearly broke up with him because she was disturbed that he masturbated. They compromised; he could still masturbate, but only if she was doing all the work.
* ''GirlsWithSlingshots'':
** It does this a lot with Hazel during the early part of the strip, emphasizing the fact that she hasn't had sex for a while.
** It also has a very open view on masturbation, and treats it as normal behaviour. Several strips revolve around the female characters buying or using vibrators.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Web Original]]
* The WebOriginal Spanish SuperHero spoof ''WebAnimation/CalicoElectronico'' has a RunningGag about every time MsFanservice character "La Ladrona" appears, the title character goes to the bathroom, where some... particular sounds... are covered by Calico singing (badly) opening themes of several old cartoons, the one from the Spanish dub of ''CaptainTsubasa'' being the most favored.
* In ''WebVideo/LookAVlog'', Will is dragged out of the bathroom by Emily. When she asks what he was doing, he says, "Masturbating." Then goes back in.
* ''WebVideo/BeautifulAgony'': It's full of this trope. Only, like, two or three of the video clips on that site show sexual intercourse.
** And even then they don't really ''show'' it, since all the videos are only from the neck up. The most you'd see of a second person would be mad snogging.
* Orochimaru's initial response in NarutoTheAbridgedSeries to having his soul arms removed:
-->''"No, now alone time is useless!"''
* The Flash series ''Pulp Phantom'' had the "Vincent and Mia" scene, but with Darth Maul and Queen Amidala instead. Maul is taking his time in the bathroom and talks into the mirror:
-->'''Maul:''' You're going to say 'good night' and walk out the door. Door leads to ship, ship leads to home, home leads to jerking off... (grins) Jerking off leads to the Dark Side.
* ''Machinima/RedVsBlue''. When Tex returns as a ghost and mentions that she's beeen watching the Blue team, Tucker awkwardly asks if she had been watching ''all'' the time, while nervously glancing at a rock with the words: "Tucker's rock! Keep out!" painted on. Tex then says he ought to be ashamed of himself.
** In ''Recreation'', this exchange occurs during an argument:
-->'''Grif:''' You fucked a rock!
-->'''Tucker:''' [[YourMom Your sister's]] name is "a rock"?
* From TheProfessorBrothers song about JFK:
-->And if he shook your hand, you'd make love with it for hours.
* TheOnion News Network: "[[http://www.theonion.com/video/americans-observing-911-by-trying-not-to-masturbat,14366/ Americans Observing 9/11 By Trying Not To Masturbate]]"
* One of the constant complaints made by Los Hermanos, a member of the titular hero team in the ''GlobalGuardiansPBEMUniverse'', was that he felt an overwhelming urge to do this every time the team encountered Cheesecake, a supervillainess whose pheremone-based powers made her irresistable to all men, everywhere.
** Cheesecake couldn't turn Los Hermanos into a lovesick puppy as she did with every other male hero... all she could do was make him extremely uncomfortable.
* On ''TheRickyGervaisShow'' in a part of their ongoing series of "asking Karl questions to make him uncomfortable." They ask if he would, after [[ItMakesSenseInContext having his head transplanted onto another man's body]], he would be willing to masturbate with the other man's penis.
-->'''Karl''': Well, they're not my hands then either.
-->'''Ricky''': (riotous laughter) You're a fucking genius! So, what you're doing is watching ''someone else'' wank.
* Happens on a single occasion in ''SurvivalOfTheFittest'' (it's of the 'sexually frustrated') variety. The character, Beth Vanallen was subsequently [[CaughtWithYourPantsDown Caught With Her Pants Down]].
* Mackenzie, the protagonist of ''TalesOfMU'', masturbates in her sleep due to her nature as a repressed HornyDevil.
* ''Literature/WhateleyUniverse'': The use of the special Hydroflux showers, for the girls.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Western Animation]]
* ''WesternAnimation/BeavisAndButthead'' has ''lots'' of masturbation jokes, mostly from Beavis, particularly in TheMovie.
** It becomes a significant plot point: The Feds can't find Beavis because he's off whackin' in Tom Anderson's trailer.
* In the ''WesternAnimation/FamilyGuy'' episode "Barely Legal", when Meg becomes obsessed with Brian:
-->'''Meg:''' I'm going to the mall later, maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear.\\
'''Brian:''' Uh, I don't think that's going to be a possibility, uh, I have plans, with Chris! Chris and I have plans this afternoon!\\
'''Chris:''' We do?\\
'''Brian:''' Yeah, yeah! We're doing that thing, we're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon!\\
'''Chris:''' Masturbate?\\
'''Brian:''' That's it, [[EmbarrassingCoverUp that's what we're going to do together]].\\
'''Chris:''' Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this.
** In "Stewie Kills Lois", Meg brings a pack of hot dogs to her room, and says: "I'm gonna pretend you're the ''New York Knicks!''" Peter later mentions that he has to buy hot dogs because "we keep running out for some reason".
** In "Partial Terms of Endearment", when Peter thinks he's going to be in a threesome, Meg mentions that she had a "onesome" once.
** Chris is also portrayed to masturbate more often than an average teenager would, especially in the episode "German Guy" where Lois shows the family Chris' blanket is completely hard as a rock and then shatters to pieces when Lois drops it because of Chris doing nothing but masturbating in his room all day and Lois believes the washing machine got pregnant somehow. When Chris comes downstairs to see everyone, his own clothes shatter to pieces the same way as his blanket did.
* The whole plot in the ''WesternAnimation/AmericanDad'' episode "A Smith In Hand". Stan tries to teach Steve to sublimate the "urge" with arts and crafts, like he does. However, Stan [[GroinAttack gets hurt]] and the doctor prescribes an ointment; in the process of applying it, he accidentally masturbates and, realizing for the first time in his life how good it feels, gets addicted.
** Another mention in "The People vs. Martin Sugar" when Jeff is forced to quit smoking pot cited it's for his medical condition. Jeff hides in different places and get caught by Francine.
** In another episode where Steve finally gets a date with a hot girl, he tells her he needs to "check his schedule", so he opens up a day planner and we see that his plans for every night say, "Whack it".
* This trope directly leads to the main plot of the episode "Going Downklok" in ''WesternAnimation/{{Metalocalypse}}'': the band members masturbate so much due to having no fans to sleep with that they develop carpal tunnel syndrome, and they have to deal with trying to release their sexual tension ''without'' masturbation, ranging from exercise to attempting to get into the pants of their female producer.
* An episode of ''WesternAnimation/MoralOrel'' deals with Reverend Putty's private shame over his masturbation.
** ''God's Baker'' runs with it to disturbing extremes.
* In the ''FamilyGuy'' episode "Saving Private Brian", when Brian and Stewie join the army, they're talking at night, and one guy yells, "You know, you guys are really making it hard to masturbate!" prompting another guy to yell, "Not for me!"
* In an episode of ''TheVentureBrothers'', Rusty rents ''TheBestLittleWhorehouseInTexas'' and invites Brock to watch it with him. When Brock demurs, Rusty admits the movie was "meant to be watched ''solo a mano''." He's also deaf to warnings that the movie doesn't live up to its title.
** 24 is seen perusing porn several times due to the low chance of meeting women in his henching job.
--->'''24:''' Don't knock or anything! It's not like I live with 80 guys and no women, so there is ''no chance that I am masturbating!''
** This is revealed to be the reason that Rusty invented the "[[LotusEaterMachine joy can]]". And the reason that it locks from the inside.
** "[[MistakenForMasturbating I'm practicing being a boyfriend, Pop!]]"
*** Actually he was just kissing his hand to practice kissing.
** The Monarch is at a monitor watching Dr. Girlfriend seduce Rusty and absently starts fondling himself, breaking off abruptly when a henchman wanders through for a glass of juice.
** In the Trial Of The Monarch episode, in a flashback, Dr. Girlfriend is handed her old superhero costume by her old boyfriend (Phantom Limb). She remarks that there are now "hard chunks" in the fabric, which Limb claims are tears. Monarch naturally becries this, claiming that Limb was "just pounding his invisible meat" into it, at which point he's cut off by Dr. Venture, who doesn't want the boys hearing about that. But then Hank protests it's okay because he's seen Dean do it, at which point Brock quickly gets the boys to another topic.
*** The judge didn't want to hear it either:
--->'''Judge:''' I want that comment stricken from the record ''[[BrainBleach and my mind.]]''
* ''FamilyGuy'': Numerous masturbation jokes abound. A few examples:
** In one episode, [[{{Cloudcuckoolander}} Mayor West]] is shown trying to marry his right hand (which his left tries to object to).
** In the episode "Wasted Talent", there's a flashback where Peter as a kid asks a tour guide in a museum: "Why did all the dinosaurs die out?" He responds: "Because you touch yourself at night."
** The episode "PTV" has a send-up of ''TheWaltons'' closing tag, where various family members reflect on the episode's events and say their good nights. Here, John Boy doesn't respond initially, and then shouts out in frustration, "Damn it, can't a guy masturbate in his own house?"
* ''WesternAnimation/LooneyTunes'' - BobClampett's "An Itch in Time" has a scene of a dog scooting around on his hindquarters after being bitten by a flea; at one point, he pauses to tell the audience, "Hey, I'd better cut this out, I may get to like it!"
** The over-the-top line had been included for the studio's annual in-house gag reel, with the expectation that the [[MediaWatchdog Hays Office]] would [[CensorDecoy order it excised]] (and overlook the lesser jokes they actually wanted to keep) before the short was released to the public; amazingly, it was allowed to go out intact.
* ''DrawnTogether'' has Foxxy show Wooldoor, in elaborate detail, how she masturbates in "Clum Babies".
** Because it's about as sexual as a potato singing "Baa Baa Black Sheep", ''Wooldoor'' masturbating is shown multiple times. It involves breaking his own finger, among other things. Go figure.
* In one episode of ''TheCritic'' when Margo Sherman has to attend a debutante's ball, she wears a white dress symbolizing her virginity - except (as she points out) the ''gloves'', which are hussy white.
-->'''Dressmaker:''' We dressmakers have a very strict code, so I need to know. Do you deserve to wear virginial white? Because if you don't, you'll have to wear an off white, what we call a "hussy white". So which will it be? White white?
-->'''Margo Sherman:''' Yes... um, except for the gloves.
** Actually, this may refer to giving handjobs. Even for the ''virgo intacta'', here are [[MyGirlIsNotASlut other venues]], you know.
* An episode of ''RobotChicken'' had Zelda refuse to have sex with Link after saving her from Gannon. So Link says to his hand, "Then I will save you, my princess."
-->Also, You won't believe you're eating Ron Jeremy's Butter!
-->As well as, [[http://video.adultswim.com/robot-chicken/mumm-ra-is-mrs-mumbletipeg.html Mrs. Doubtfire meets Thundercats]], which ended with the CaughtWithYourPantsDown bit.
-->When you wake up in the morning, what's the first thing that you see? It's your morning wood! "Hello, I'm Bruce Campbell, and I can't start my day by waxing my morning wood."
* Played with (heehee) in ''ReBoot'' on one occasion.
-->'''Ray Tracer:''' You blokes should try logging off. Relieves tension.
* ''{{Futurama}}'' has its moments of subtle implication, and other times not so subtle. Actually a pretty surprising amount for a show on FOX at that time.
** A great one, Dr. Zoidberg laments how he will get rid of his male jelly when he fails to mate. Fry holds up his dismembered arm and says "I'll lend you this."
** From the episode "Spanish Fry," the Omicronian Emperor Lrr wants to use Fry's "lower horn" as an aphrodisiac. InnocentInnuendo' is used, which Bender points out and jokes about.
-->'''Lrr:''' I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.\\
'''Bender:''' It's used to it!
** In one of the What-If machine episodes, a recently turned human Bender tried to "fix his antenna" down there. But Fry quickly stopped him from doing it because it'll "make God cry."
** In "A Head In The Polls" Richard Nixon's head tells Fry and Leela that he loved his body, this resulted in this quote:
-->'''Fry:''' I spent most of my teen years loving my body... of course it was ''tough love'' but...
-->'''Leela:''' *elbows Fry* Fry, He (Nixon) opened relations with China, he doesn't want to hear about your ding-dong.
[[/folder]]
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[-''(Opening door)'' [[CaughtWithYourPantsDown Oops! Sorry!]] When you said you were going on the computer for a while, I just assumed you'd be on Wiki/TVTropes!-]

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