I will make sure that I get lots of exercise. That does count dancing or doing star jumps to popular music. To save face, any music that has people cringing, or a song that more than five people don't like, will not be used. But, they will not be allowed to tell ME what I can do!
I will always care for the peasants in my kingdom. That means I will ensure that they are all well-fed and they aren't whipped or beaten by anyone in my employment. A happy worker is an industrious worker, not to mention one that's not plotting my downfall.
Destroying the world (or the universe) as my ultimate goal? VERY bad idea. I will always remember that I am part of the world/universe, and even if I could survive its end, it's not very fun if I'm the only thing left.
In keeping with my status as an Equal-Opportunity Overlord, I will hire a number of deaf or hearing-impaired minions to guard a particular area (what that area actually is irrelevant). That area will be fitted with a sonic-based attack system. While the heroes are lying on the floor with hands over their ears in pain, but before they think to shoot out the delivery system, the deaf minions will fill them full of lead. Simple.
I will not underestimate the power of the Ermine Cape Effect, regardless of what I actually wear. As long as it's not in lieu of good leadership (the monarchies of France, Russia, and China), it's a great way to enhance my stature among my subjects.
If I wear any such outfit that impedes movement it will break away if necessary. If it's puffy, this is a great way to hide extra weapons as well.
I shall never drop a loaded gun on the floor for my enemy to pick up while I run up stairs. I shall take the loaded gun and shoot tied up enemy before running up stairs.
If in charge of a galactic empire, I shall take into account the defense budget before designing super weapons. Good financial management lessens the risk of insurrection.
In keeping with sensitivity training, I shall hire gays and lesbians into my Legions of Terror. However, if they are put on guard duty, I will instruct them to only guard members of the opposite sex. Bisexuals employed as part of my Legions of Terror will be put to more beneficial purposes, such as weapon maintenance.
Now that all of the above has been established, I will stop talking to myself. It gives people the wrong idea.
Before I become an evil overlord, I will first undergo psychological treatment to remove my conscience and useless emotions like love, empathy or guilt. That way I can commit ultimate evil acts to my heart's content.
I will be aware of my emotions and take care to keep them in perspective as no emotion is useless. Each of them is a highly conditioned evolutionary response that helped ensure my species' survival for countless years
I will not give my Doomsday Device a very obviously evil name, no matter how cool it sounds. It's much easier to pretend that Project X25 is just an orbital research station (as opposed to a Kill Sat) than it is to convince people that something called "The Worldslayer" is intended for peaceful purposes.
I will remember the psychological benefit that can be had from giving completely harmless things intimidating names.
If I am to employ tacticians for use in strategic battles, I will hire at least three of them, ensure that all three of them have no connections to each other, and have them constantly fight in mock battles with what I believe will be equivalent forces to what I expect will be fielded during the last stand.
If the hero wants to topple me, he will face a Platform Hell challenge. Should he best me even then, there is no shame in fleeing, noting the hero's abilities, and rebuilding my Legions of Doom with the hero's strengths and weaknesses in mind-minimize the former, pick on the latter.
Screw the Hague convention. My Legions of Doom will use poison-tipped ammunition. And they will always Shoot the Medic First.
I will make sure that the artifact that grants me immortality also grants me eternal youth, unless the army of replacement bodies or robots are already completed.
If exactly one thing in the world/universe/whatever can harm me, I will assume that the hero will somehow gain the ability to use that one thing against me, and plan accordingly. The same goes for any minions I may have with this characteristic.
If I am in control of a modern nation like the United States, I will make sure that I firmly establish that I love NASA (or the equivalent there of) and inform people that my grand master plan is the various uses of space and other celestial bodies for world wide expansion. Plus, with increased space traffic, no one will notice the deployment of a Kill Sat or 20.
Should I ever, through my diabolical scheming and and/or pet Mad Scientist, come up with fantastically profitable technology, screw it. I'll drop my vendettas and sell the technology for a profit. That should guarantee I'll live a life of comfort and ease. I'll even make regular donations to charity, and rein in my underlings to keep them from doing anything evil. No hero will go after me if I'm just another law-abiding citizen.
All of my infantry weapons shall be usable by my all my soldiers with minimum of training and common sense. They shall also be simple and rugged enough to able to operate and be maintained in an array of environments.
All of my mechanized troops shall have standardized vehicles. Said vehicles shall be able to switch out a wide variety of weapons packages made for a variety of situations. This makes field repairs and manufacturing easier.
All of my R&D facilities shall be heavily guarded, with regular background checks and monitoring done for all personnel. I shall also have my prototype dismantled and put into storage so that a hero doesn't end up stealing it.
If the heroes retreat and leave behind their ridiculously adorable pet or team companion I will not take it in as my own cherished pet. I will check said ridiculously adorable animal for any sort of homing device that the heroes may use to locate my evil lair when I take it in as a cherished pet. If I find such, I will either instantly destroy it, or throw it into a pond/lake/ocean/rain forest with poisonous and man-eating animals, and then drop off the creature at a local animal shelter.
If for some reason I fall from power and am executed by the hero, should a subordinate resurrect me so that I may reclaim my title of overlord then I will NOT kill the subordinate as a show of how evil I am. Instead, I will promote them to be my new right-hand man.
I will never assume that just because a certain person is my enemy's child/trusted lieutenant/best friend, it means they will know my enemy's secrets. It doesn't work.
Twins who are separated at birth always end up enemies. If one of my lieutenants turns out to have a twin, that twin will be the hero. I will either arrange an "accident" for my lieutenant, get him to switch to a rival overlord, or "allow" him to stage a coup, so that when the hero takes him out, and can pretend he was the real evil all along.
If I find out twins were separated at birth, I will do my best to get them raised together. I will not try to kill them or their family. That rarely ever works. The twins would just survive and end up working together against me when they grow up.
I will never assume that I have the power of a god, that I AM a god, or that I am in any way a deity. That NEVER works.
If there is a prophesy involving a hero finding and killing me, I will do a lot of research on said prophesy and make absolutely sure that the evil overlord is not going to be me.
If I ever build a Laser Hallway of death, I will make very certain that the lasers are too closely spaced to be bypassed by doing flips. The lasers themselves will be infrared or ultraviolet, so that the hero doesn't even know he's being shot at until he gets hit.
If I create a laser wall, I will ensure that it is properly maintained by a board certified technician, and will not shut down simply because the last mook in the room has died.
I will employ multiple kindly, eccentric, and/or grizzled old men to play the role of mentor to any prospective hero. They will keep me appraised of the hero's weaknesses and movements and be sure to direct the hero's attention only to my enemies. If the hero ever decides to come after me anyway, I will know exactly where to find him and how to kill him. Any real mentors will be taken to an old age home and labeled as completely senile, not killed so they can fuel the righteous vengeance of the hero.
All healing objects placed on my Mooks will be placed internally, and cause Regeneration while it's activated. That way, the Heroes will not be able to take it off their (deceased) person after their defeat.
I will keep the Evil Overlord List away from Mooks and the Heroes, so as to keep them from knowing my plans.
Anyone even remotely competent, intelligent, skillful, good at fighting, or otherwise useful in any way whatsoever should already either be working for me or be dead.
The top tiers of my organization will be made up of people I would trust with my life. I really can't be bothered worrying about who's planning to backstab me next. If I can't find people I'd trust with my life it's not going to be a very successful organization anyway.
I will never double cross anyone I've teamed up with until after we accomplished the goal which forced us to team up in the first place.
If I manage to convert one of the heroes I will not immediately send him to fight against his old friends. Instead I'll give him a free month's stay at a tropical resort as a signing bonus and then deploy him as far away from his previous team as possible.
Sending the hero's evil opposite after him is actually a pretty good plan. But since perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything, I'll send my other elite troops as backup.
Some of my elite troops will spend part of their time locked up in my dungeons, turned into stone, shoved in an alternate dimension, or otherwise replicating whatever storage method I use for the people I do not for some reason choose to kill immediately. They will be recompensed for this service. That way, if the hero ever shows up and starts randomly freeing my prisoners, there will be someone on the spot to either take him out or at least thin the escapee crowd a bit.
If I ever feel like releasing the heroes into a jungle and then riding after them atop an elephant, I will instead kill them and go visit my psychiatrist again.
No matter how much ancient mystical power they hold, collectible card games will not be the key to my evil plan. However, I will not be above marketing them to children and organizing a series of tournaments with a cool and mysterious looking but actually useless object as a prize.
I will keep any cool and mysterious-looking but actually useful objects for examination and, in the event of excessively negative side effects, store them in an inconspicuous safe hurtling an inconspicuous several thousand miles per hour towards the sun.
I will use proportionate response and avoid collateral damage where possible. But if the citizens of an area continue getting uppity, it might just be time to remind them how my Legions of Doom got their name.
If I have the ability to bring people back from the dead, I will milk it for all it's worth. However, I will not raise a beloved relative/mentor of the hero to fight him under my psychic control. That never ends well for me, and now It's Personal.
The different branches of my organizations will have reliable access to relevant information about that organization's activities.
If I do decide to have children after all, I will also gather babies of the same age into my castle. All the children will be given an education and combat training, as well as indoctrinated. Not only will they form the elite core of my empire, this will also give my children the chance to find a love interest long before any hero has the motor skills to get anywhere near them.
If I decide to use biological weapons (i.e. parasites or viruses) as a means of controlling the populace, I will not use the same as my primary method of attack against the hero. Unfortunately, heroes have a tendency to luck into those "one-in-a-million" immunities to such things. In addition, I will never employ any virus as a weapon until a working antidote or vaccine has been mass-produced for my own forces and population.
If, for some reason, I do not wish to kill anyone, I will immediately begin research into creating a device to hold victims in a state of permanent stasis. Alternatively, if such a thing exists within my setting, I will attempt to access and use the Phantom Zone. Both plans come with serious risks, but if the setting I'm in tends to hand out Karmic Death with reckless abandon to anyone who kills so much as a nameless peasant, perhaps they make the safer route.
I will not have my mad scientists conduct cruel experiments on children, especially young girls. This goes double for psychic or otherwise supernaturally-gifted children, and triple for supernaturally-gifted girls. Instead, these children will be given supportive, kindly, and extremely gracious treatment while quietly indoctrinating them to serve me.
If I decide to summon a demon, regardless of age or type, I will be sure that I know the all possible methods to banish it, lest it turns out to be more difficult to command than expected.
When plastering my kingdom with Dead Or Alive wanted posters for the heroes, I will not list their crimes as "Rebellion Against The Throne" or "Thieving from the Royal Coffers" which will gain them unnecessary sympathy among the masses. Instead, the warrant will be put out for Child Molestation, Serial Rape/Murder of Prostitutes, and Littering.
If I ever have to ally myself with a supernatural being, I will always keep in mind that a more powerful and harder-to-destroy being who's opposed to my new patron might exist. If I find out, I'll quickly change sides. No one wants to be on the losing side of Judgment Day. However, any deity's claims to omnipotence and omniscience will be met with careful skepticism.
If I ever attempt to flush out the hero by capturing someone he cares about deeply, but someone else already tried that and it either didn't work or they got their ass kicked, and I decide to kill the hostage instead, I will rethink that decision a lot. If the hero is that deadly, then I have not only committed a Moral Event Horizon (especially so if the murder was brutal), but the hero will be after me now.
Diatribes are a big no-no, nobody needs to know your plans except the people that were at the presentation and planning, and they already know the plan, so it's just a waste at that point.
If I decide to Hypnotize the Princess, I will just do it on someone I am attracted to, and it will just be for a few quickies or to facilitate cooperation in Rule 8 in my original guide. Anything else attempted with this damsel is likely to end badly for me.
If a group of minions report seeing a creature previously believed to be mythical, I will not dismiss their claims simply because the creature is from a "children's story." Instead, I will send a team equipped with cameras and scientific equipment to investigate before I can make a sufficient conclusion.
If captured by the hero for any length of time, I will act polite and nonthreatening like the Magnificent Bastard I am. I will not try to escape until I have a reasonably high chance of success, and I will not taunt my enemies — this will either make the guards let their guard down or unnerve the hell out of everyone. If, however, I'm taken to the rebel base, I will keep an ear open for any signs of attack. If I'm unable to get the hell out of there before such an attack, I'll dodge the Karmic Death by saving the hero's life and escaping with him. Faking a Heel-Face Turn is optional.
I will resist the temptation to humiliate captured enemies through deathtraps, forced signs of subjugation (like kneeling) or forcing them to fight each other. I will treat my prisoners with basic human respect. My dungeons will be well maintained, well lit and possess basic comforts — not only does this make it easier to keep an eye on prisoners and prevent escape, but they will be less eager to do so.
My prisoners will receive proper health care. If I capture somebody in battle, their wounds will be treated. If an important enemy is unconscious when I pick them up and in battle/a deathtrap/et cetera, I will have both their feet amputated and inform them that they were crushed when they wake up.
You know something? Screw this list and all its rules. If I follow all these rules I'll never have any fun and that's the whole point of being an Evil Overlord. Being Genre Savvy IS BORING. So the only rule I'm going to have is not to follow any of these rules. So what if the Hero kills me? At least I get to have fun, and besides, Who Wants to Live Forever??
If I must put in the ability for the hero to hack my equipment, I will make certain to make it literally impossible (for example: if it is done via a pipe-dream-esque setting, I will make the one slot before the exit set off an alarm or cause the device to explode in a violent fashion).
If at all technologically feasible, I will not command my forces from an evil lair or fortress; that will instead be a symbolic center and be used as a barracks and storehouse, if anything. Instead, I will secure a smaller but equally-secure and very-well-hidden hideout some distance away. This A. serves as a backup command when the Big Damn Heroes storm my palatial castle-tower in the middle of Mordor, B. robs the Action Hero of his much-anticipated Boss Battle (in which my victory would be unlikely), and C. acts as a safeguard for the inevitable collapse that could otherwise be my death.
To ensure that "Evil Cannot Comprehend Good" does not come into play, I will familiarize myself with whatever morality system the heroes subscribe to, and so confirm that the reverse is true. Even if this seems trivial, it still can be useful when predicting my enemies' actions. Remember, they have moral and social limits that you do not, so do not fatally overestimate them and assume they think like you.
I will remember that abusing morality systems tends to cause anti-heroes to emerge. Heroes without moral and social limits can be extremely dangerous to the villain that is used to abusing morality systems.
I will not make assumptions about the humanity and morality of the hero who struts about in all black and slaughters every minion he crosses paths with. While some heroes slaughter mooks without a second thought only to spare the Evil Overlord, I will not count on this.
All of my personal grooming will be done by me and me alone, especially if it involves a blade or something that will go in my mouth or eyes, no matter how luxurious, opulent, or flashy it would be to pay others to do it for me.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be autistic, just in case another Simon appears; then, I'll have someone that would have their mind working the same way.
I'll start pretending to be a nice fellow to everyone, and sharpening up my innocent looks. If it worked quite well for Aizen, wouldn't it work for someone that's more of a Genre Savvy than him?
From time to time, I will send people to creep around my evil lair, sneak up on guards, and shout "Boo!" Any guard who jumps will be demoted to light infantry. Any guard who responds by turning around and pointing their weapon at the person will be considered for promotion to my Personal Guard. And at least a raise.
Incidentally, I will learn how to move silently. I will then exercise this knowledge by making as much of the floor in my lair creak as much as possible, to prevent intruders from moving silently. The exception will be floors that lead to my emergency escape route.
When, or if, I actually manage to Take Over the World, I must immediately start working to keep everyone together. La Résistance will likely be trying to ruin my new global order, and I want as few people as possible in said rebellion. Bread and Circuses will be my best way to reduce the rebels' numbers, because La Résistance is often-times formed from an oppressive ruler. And do I really want to have to deal with that problem AFTER I took over the world and have to govern everyone?
If at any point the hero shouts "You're insane/mad/crazy" I will NOT ignore them or laugh. I will be seeing a psychiatrist anyway, since it's hard to enjoy absolute power when you aren't right in the head.
My psychiatrist will NOT be someone that I kidnapped. I will require someone loyal who will engage in Doctor-Patient Confidentiality. Preferably loyalty that will be bought with my obscene wealth versus someone with a conscience.
I will remember that when it comes to blows my choice is not limited to the use of small arms, illegal purchase of second-handnukes and expensive development of awesome, but unreliable Death Rays with subsequent even more expensive and suspicious orbit injection. For those cases when a few bullets fail to convey the message, there are various anti-tank munitions, ThermiteMissile Massacre, explosive-driven magnetic generators (for more hi-tech foes) and other destructive effects to try. At worst, it will give me a chance to disengage and try something else another day, as the laws of the genre are against one's demise until all Impressive Pyrotechnics options are exhausted if one keeps trying — so it's wise to have some more up my sleeve.
Screw the "never bring swords to a gunfight" rules. I will, of course, bring a gun, but I will also bring several knives and a strangling cord to any fight I have.
I will make certain I have a Cool Ship of any variety, if only because they have a tendency to be more powerful than regular ships. And it will be my personal mode of transport, and outfitted so that only I can drive it. That way, those blasted heroes won't swipe it from me and use it against me.
Also, if I absolutely have to control a hero or one of their loved ones, I will use more than one method of control, just in case the hero or heroes manage to break one of the methods.
I will use different, random combinations of letters and numbers for all passwords instead of easily-remembered codewords like "swordfish", or my mother's maiden name. Such common passwords will instead trigger an automatic lockdown and sound the alarm.
If I find myself I absolutely compelled to do the Slouch of Villainy, I will retain the services of a competent chiropractor and a good in-house masseuse.
If I am given a gift of wine and the giver swigs from the bottle to prove it's not poisoned, I will not then drink it from a cup that was also provided by said giver unless they drink from the same cup first. Also, if I have a food taster, I will wait more than five minutes after they have tested a foodstuff before I consume it myself. And my food taster will test EVERYTHING; I don't want to end up diluting safe wine with untested poisoned water. I will of course make sure I build up an immunity to every known poison in the world in the first place, but it never hurts to have a backup plan.
If I must wear an animal skull as a helmet, I will remove the teeth first, or at least blunt them.
I will pull a SHODAN when it comes to dead bodies. Namely, all dead bodies will be cybernetically resurrected and augmented with not only cool abilities but brainwashed to obey me.
I will only convince a less advanced civilization that I am a god if I already meet their qualifications for one, there are no rivaling deities, their religion is not a strictly pacifistic one, and I am benefited in some way by worship. If I have advanced technology, I will share it with them as long as it is not capable of destroying me in any way.
All soldiers will be instructed that anyone I bother sending them after is worth killing, as are their close friends, especially if those friends have powers of their own.
When reading this list, if certain elements contradict each other, I will assume the Original Overlord List to be the more Genre Savvy, and thus follow the rules on that list. Also, I will remember that some things just wouldn't work. For example, although there are some things I must keep on my person at all times, I cannot keep 5 guns, 3 knives, the Infinity+1 Sword, The Infinity Plus One Armor, 5,000 Remote Detonators, 10,000 Keys, The Plans to all my various Schemes, 50,000 of whatever currency I have, several books, a couple of maps, the Game Guide, several Plot Coupons, my shopping list, and my teddy bear all on me. At least not at the same time, and labeling all those keys and detonators would be a pain.
To avoid a situation where the protagonist's weakness gives him a stuffy nose while my weakness causes me to die, I will have my doctors cure my weakness to at least equal to my opponent (if they are unable to cure it completely).
To secure that my loyal subjects don't see that I'm actually an antagonist, I will work my evil empire from afar… like several countries away… using a webcam. My highest ranked men can hopefully be trusted to cause terror and such without fucking something up.
Should I be injured, I will take a vacation rather than put gauze on it, leaving a large target for my opponent to aim at.
My WMDs will be able to be deployed at any moment, regardless of if it is only at 60% power when the hero bursts in to stop me. That way, while the hero is feeling great for reaching me before the doomsday weapon is at full power, I can shoot him in the gut and fire the DeathLaser at the capital city (causing significantly less damage, but I still make my point).
Forget Rule 81, I just won't ever put myself in such a situation in the first place. If I ever have to fight on a moving platform that zooms under low hanging beams, I'll kill my opponent, and then kill the jackass who left a moving plaform in an area with low hanging beams.
The giant cannon sticking out of the top of my lair will actually just be a large spotlight. The real weapon will be disguised as a tourist trap in the middle of Oklahoma or North Dakota.
If I launch a nuke that can be stopped while in flight I will have another attack launched stealthily while the dumbasses are trying to disarm the nukes (like I'd actually waste my time nuking Hoboken, NJ).
If the heroes have already send my plan irrevocably down the toilet, I will not attack them, and if they tell me 'it's over', I'll just surrender. Vilains sometimes have successes, but the survival chance when trying to kill the heroes as revenge for foiling your plot are abysmal.
I will not be in a situation where surrender is my only option.
If the feudal Japanese(-esque) village I dominate is visited by a mysterious swordsman who trounches some of my minions during their routine-terrorising, I'll go to full alert. I will not try to kill, hire, negotiate or even talk with him. I'll take my best men outside of town for a bit to see if he leaves. If he goes to help the villagers, I'll cut my losses and leave in the direction he came from. Wandering heroes like that seldom backtrack, and I'll likely find a village who's previous tyrannical rulers have been disposed off by said hero, which is now ripe for the picking.
If I, or any of my minions, are infiltrating the hero's team, the first order of buisness is to ask him about all those innocent facts about him that I already know. The 6 words any spy dreads to hear is "I never told you my name".
If killing an entire family is neccesary for my evil plan, I'll order my minions to toss a hand grenade under whichever bed would offer the best view of the place where the parents were killed. That's were the last son or daughter who will come after me sooner or later is hiding.
My time-bombs will not include a bright timer, a blinking light, or a beeping sound that would allow anyone to easily find them. My remote-controled bombs will detonate immediately on triggering, not after 5 seconds of blinking light/beeping sound. If the bomb is next to the hero, he might escape, while if it's close to a villain, he'll just stare in horror.
If I make use of a time-bomb at all, all of its wires will be red. Cutting any of them will cause it to detonate. As well, it will be set to detonate when the timer reads one hour and twelve minutes left, as no hero has ever disarmed a bomb with over an hour on the timer.
My ventilation shafts will be man-sized - and a deathtrap.
I will emulate a hero while doing my evil deeds. Roving parties of adventurers always seem to work for them, so why not give it a shot?
I will choose a language in which my Legions of Doom are to give and follow orders—preferably a language my enemies do not speak. Any orders given to them in a different language than the aforementioned are to be ignored, no matter how believable the source's accent ia. Chances are, the hero has someone in his party who can speak the language, regardless.
While an Evil Overlord should have every right to spend his nation's resources on personal comfort, I will make sure before doing so that there is nothing else that desperately needs said resources. I'm probably comfortable enough as it is, and I do not want my authentic Repin to be the reason why I have ill-trained soldiers with too few weapons.
The people of any land I conquer are now my people and should be treated accordingly. Letting my Legions of Doom rape, loot, and pillage to their hearts' content is just asking for partisan problems down the road and will give the hero plenty of allies within my own borders when he visits the area.
If I suspect one of my most brilliant generals is plotting against me, I will make sure I have actual proof from sources less biased than I am before attempting to get rid of him.
Any prisoners that the hero is attempting to rescue will be killed. If the hero's willing to go on a veritable suicide mission to get them out, they're clearly more useful to the hero alive than they are to me alive. The only exceptions are if they have valuable information that I can't obtain by other means, in which case they will be relocated to another detention facility.
Unless I couldn't care less about what becomes of my empire after I die, I will not attempt to divide it among my heirs.
If I am killed, anyone in my will who was involved in my death shall receive nothing but a much shorter life, even if my will entitled them to more.
I will ascend to power by defeating ANOTHER evil overlord. Nothing says "PR" like becoming an Evil Overlord as a hero. I will make sure that the evil overlord I defeated is more evil than I am.
Marrying for political power, wealth, or physical attraction (or any combination of the three) makes my consort a possible threat to my rule. As such, it is better for us to get married simply because we truly love each other. First of all, love is power, and it also makes it more likely that, no matter what other people think of her, I will think of my consort as being very beautiful. Besides, no one said bad guys couldn't experience "good" feelings like love.
If I am holding someone hostage, I will kill them the instant the hero refuses my demands rather than give the hero time to rescue them.
If one or all of the heroes are Shrouded in Myth, I will take all rumors as fact, just to be safe. For example, if I hear they can bend steel with their bare hands, if they are captured I will take measures to ensure that their restraints are stronger than steel.
If I capture a hero who's known to have Eye Beams, I will not have him or her facing the cell door and I will not stand directly in front of them. Rather, I will place a clamp on their head to prevent them from turning and frying me, and so they are facing another hero.
I will never send one of my female minions into the hero's group to seduce the hero, keep an eye on his movements, trick him into doing my dirty work, etc., because she will almost certainly fall in love with the hero, even if he already has a love interest, and turn on me at the worst possible moment. Even if she is my own lover, even if she is the most loyal minion in my ranks (heck, possibly even if she prefers women), she will still almost certainly side with the hero.
I will not use my Kill Sat or any other superweapon to kill the hero, because he CAN and probably WILL survive it. In addition, it might instead kill his love interest or a sidekick who happens to be with him, making his quest to defeat me personal, and thus making the hero even stronger. His forces, on the other hand, are usually vulnerable and are therefore acceptable targets for a superweapon strike—not to mention most of them won't be present when and if the hero is confronting me directly, so it frees up more of my own troops (who can usually be expected to have weapons that CAN kill him) to fight the hero himself.
If the hero is a parent, I will do everything I can to appear awesome to his child. Are you REALLY going to kill your son's idol, Mr. Hero? Do you REALLY want to run the risk of having to kill your own son somewhere down the road?
Scientists who tell me that their project failed will not be punished unless they told me earlier that it was a success. After all, a lot of these projects revolve around things that haven't been tested, so it's inevitable that some of them won't produce the desired results.
Experiments that can destroy cities will be conducted as far away from cities or any mayor import facilities as possible.
I will take all people who take up arms against me seriously, no matter how ridiculous their methods are.
The instant I have an opportunity to kill my enemy without endangering myself or my plans, I will take advantage of it.
I will keep in mind that the laws of reality might not apply to my universe. Even if anyone looking in from the outside thinks whoever created my universe is insane, I will follow the creator's rules. If women in my universe are the worst fighters in existence, then no matter how unfair it may look, I will refrain from giving my female minions any combat-related jobs. Likewise, even if my universe contradicts things everyone knows, I follow the laws of my universe, not the real universe.
If my capital is seized, I will only surrender if the capital was all that was left of my country at that point or if I was seized along with the capital and have no way of escaping alive.
Whilst I shall not approve of hostility between my citizens, thus earning me a few brownie points, I shall encourage people to laugh at those idiots with their pants on the outside.
Should any of my Mooksrun away, I will let them go instead of having my trackers follow and try to kill them. There are always more mooks, and chasing after them runs the risk that they befriended the hero during their wanderings. I will research the why the did run away - after all many mooks sport common sense.
Any autodestruct sequence in any of my bastions will, resources permitting, destroy the entire facility at the same time. Failing that, it will be destroyed from the outside in, preventing any intruder from running out ahead of the blast. If the technology or magic exists, Mooks will be teleported elsewhere immediately, bolstering my popularity and preventing any need for retraining when I establish a replacement for that base.
If the hero is allegedly dead, I'll kill him immediately after this is announced just to make sure.
Any special powers I possess will only be used if I need to use them and never mentioned to anyone. While having telekinetic powers may be useful, I'd rather have the hero find out I have them at a time when it is inconvenient (preferably lethal) for him. It's also a useful last line of defense against traitors who have planned for everything else.
Each and every bit of information I or any of my underlings have will be encrypted in the best and practical encryption available. Likewise is done for any form of communication. Any software I have must be able to deliver Checksums or other proofs of authenticity at any time — especialy AIs and robots.
I will hire and pay royally every hacker I can get. Said hackers will be used to make my systems more secure and to find any holes in software and hardware I or my scientists come up with.
If I am a magican in a modern Muggle world, I will remember to get all sorts of Muggle weapons and technology that could help me or substitute for my magic. Even if my magic can't kill the hero, a well targeted missile will.
All weapons will have biometric safety that disallows attacks aimed near me. This extends to both conventional and any super weapons. Where possible, implosion-based weaponry will be used in place of explosives for anti-vehicular roles.
I will force Disney to remake the Star Wars prequels, and do them right. That ought to gain me the loyalty of about half the nerds on the planet, if not even more. Then I will look into The Matrix sequels and some disputed recent comic book events (you know which ones) if that isn't enough.
Perhaps I shouldn't have children who are evil. Good children might turn against me though. So to minimize the risk, I will adopt a girl who is wise, yet sweet, and raise her as a Princess Classic. She won't continue my evil tradition after my death or ascension to godhood, but I'll be dead or a god, so it won't matter to me. Plus having such a sweet little girl around should earn me adoration points just by being a good parent.
If a rebellion actually happens, and succeeds in freeing part of my empire, I will not tighten my grip on what remains, especially not try to keep my subjects simple and uneducated. That will just invite greater rebellion later on.
My minions, guards, and anyone else with official business in my stronghold will each be equipped with a ring which must be scanned as secured doors to open them. However, the scanner will scan not only the ring, but the RFID chip in the wearer's palm. Anyone who attempts to scan the ring by itself - say, the Hero who just plucked it off a guard he overpowered - will set off the silent alarm.
Having a harem is one of the privileges of being an Evil Overlord. However, in the interest of keeping the women loyal and enthusiastic, inclusion in the harem will be on a strictly voluntary basis, and those who serve in this manner for two years will receive a full-ride scholarship at my University.
Women who are captured will be treated the same as the male prisoners, no matter how beautiful and alluring they are. They will NOT be added to the harem or otherwise made to serve me as concubines. Part of the point of having a harem is to keep me immune to such things, after all.
I will not get married. There are somethings that an Evil Overlord just isn't cut out for. Any woman who could become my bride would necessarily have to be Evil as well, and therefore NOT someone you want to have in you bed every night. Besides, she'd eventually just betray me anyway, and I'd either lose everything I'd worked so hard for, or I'd have to execute her - which isn't as easy as it sounds, even for an Evil Overlord.
I will make sure that bogus prophecies are spread around the populace, which pointedly do not come to pass. That way, if they ever hear the genuine article, they'll ignore it. Even the genuine prophecies only come to pass because people believe in them.
All Innkeepers will be on my payroll, and rewarded for useful pieces of information regarding travelers from afar.
If a wandering bard makes up an unflattering song about me, I'll have a good chuckle along with everyone else, invite him to dinner in my stronghold, and them feed him to my monster for my own private enjoyment. One must keep up the appearance of a benevolent despot, but that doesn't meant you let the bastard get away with it.
There will be absolutely NO death traps in my private chambers which might be turned against me. They're called "private" chambers for a reason, and there should never be any need for me to bring someone in there who I might want to kill.
My personal bodyguard will not have a mechanical arm or a laser-shooting eye as his primary weapon; he will have a pistol. Gimmicky weapons have a way of failing at crucial moments.
If and when I capture the Hero's pet monkey/dog/falcon/other such loyal animal, I will not attempt to have it act in any way for my amusement. It's just either going to bite me or try to steal something and escape.