Bill Engvall on discipline: "Hey!" *smack* "We do NOT hit!"
"If anyone says he hates war more than I do, he'd better have a knife, that's all I have to say." -Jack Handey
"Proponents of eugenics shouldn't be allowed to reproduce".
"All extremists should be killed."
"I have to say, I think I'm especially modest."
"all sentences should begin with a capital letter."
"I am the nicest person in the world. And if there is ever anyone nicer than me, I'll kill them and will be the nicest one once again."
"Why must you always think that I'm criticizing you?"
"Those who are against democracy should be denied the right to say that."
Redneck dating tip: "Don't be sexist or vulgar. Bitches hate that shit."
"Don't anthropomorphize computers. They don't like it."
There's an old joke about a woman whose son and daughter got married within a week or two of each other. A few months later, a friend asks her about how her daughter is doing. The mom gushes about her son-in-law, how he cooks for her daughter, gives her lots of gifts, and sends his wife to a spa once a month. The friend then asks how the son's marriage is, and the mother gets a disgusted look on her face and begins going on about how her daughter-in-law doesn't cook, wants lots of gifts, and always wants to go to the spa...
A guy says, "I don't smoke, I don't cuss, and I don't drink." Then, a second later, he says, "Fuck, I left my cigarettes down at the bar."
In "Our Dumb World" (an atlas by The Onion), the entry on Italy describes the nation as a place where "...citizens base their opinions of other ethnicities on appearance and stereotypes alone. But then, what more do you expect from a bunch of greasy, filthy womanizers?"
Banksy is fond of this trope. Obvious examples include "We can't do anything to change the world until capitalism crumbles. In the meantime we should all go shopping to console ourselves." And his list of people who should be shot- "Fascist thugs, religious fundamentalists, and people who write lists telling you who should be shot."
Bobby Kennedy was fond of joking that he would "destroy" anyone who called him ruthless.
Barack Obama during his spiel at the 2013 White House Correspondents Dinner: "One senator who has reached across the aisle recently is Marco Rubio, but I don’t know about (running for President in) 2016. I mean, the guy has not even finished a single term in the Senate and he thinks he’s ready to be President. (laughter) Kids these days."note Obama was first elected to the Senate in 2004, then was elected President in 2008. Senate terms are six years.