Hypocritical Humor / Other

  • "Tomorrow, I'll stop procrastinating."
  • "I never brag. I'm awesome like that."/"I'm too awesome to brag."
  • "I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
  • "Thank God I'm an atheist." - Luis Buuel
  • "I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong."
  • "All generalisations are false."
    • Likewise, an eerily similar phrase has gone memetic after Obi-Wan Kenobi said it in Revenge of the Sith, apparently without realizing the irony: "Only a Sith deals in absolutes."
  • "95% of all surveys/statistics are made up".
  • "Watch your fucking language!"
  • "As a Capricorn, I don't believe in astrology."
  • Bill Engvall on discipline: "Hey!" *smack* "We do NOT hit!"
  • "If anyone says he hates war more than I do, he'd better have a knife, that's all I have to say." -Jack Handey
  • "Proponents of eugenics shouldn't be allowed to reproduce".
  • "All extremists should be killed."
  • "I have to say, I think I'm especially modest."
  • "all sentences should begin with a capital letter."
  • "I am the nicest person in the world. And if there is ever anyone nicer than me, I'll kill them and will be the nicest one once again."
  • "Why must you always think that I'm criticizing you?"
  • "Those who are against freedom of speech should be denied the right to say that."
  • Redneck dating tip: "Don't be sexist or vulgar. Bitches hate that shit."
  • "Don't anthropomorphize computers. They don't like it."
  • There's an old joke about a woman whose son and daughter got married within a week or two of each other. A few months later, a friend asks her about how her daughter is doing. The mom gushes about her son-in-law, how he cooks for her daughter, gives her lots of gifts, and sends his wife to a spa once a month. The friend then asks how the son's marriage is, and the mother gets a disgusted look on her face and begins going on about how her daughter-in-law doesn't cook, wants lots of gifts, and always wants to go to the spa...
  • This joke:
    A guy says, "I don't smoke, I don't cuss, and I don't drink." Then, a second later, he says, "Fuck, I left my cigarettes down at the bar."
  • In "Our Dumb World" (an atlas by The Onion), the entry on Italy describes the nation as a place where "...citizens base their opinions of other ethnicities on appearance and stereotypes alone. But then, what more do you expect from a bunch of greasy, filthy womanizers?"
  • Banksy is fond of this trope. Obvious examples include "We can't do anything to change the world until capitalism crumbles. In the meantime we should all go shopping to console ourselves." And his list of people who should be shot- "Fascist thugs, religious fundamentalists, and people who write lists telling you who should be shot."
  • Bobby Kennedy was fond of joking that he would "destroy" anyone who called him ruthless.
  • Used brilliantly by Pamela Anderson on her Roast. "It's great to see Hulk here, because every roast needs a Dumb Blonde with huge tits".
  • Barack Obama during his spiel at the 2013 White House Correspondents Dinner: "One senator who has reached across the aisle recently is Marco Rubio, but I dont know about (running for President in) 2016. I mean, the guy has not even finished a single term in the Senate and he thinks hes ready to be President. (laughter) Kids these days."note 
  • "An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me." - Ambrose Bierce
  • This T-shirt.
    1. Silly T-shirt slogans
    2. Irony
    3. Lists
  • Sunday Times editor Sir Harold Evans once collected the following ten guidelines for written English:
    1. Don't use no double negatives.note 
    2. Make each pronoun agree with their antecedent.note 
    3. When dangling, watch your participles.note 
    4. Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.note 
    5. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.note 
    6. About those sentence fragments.note 
    7. Try to not ever split infinitives.note 
    8. It is important to use apostrophe's correctly.note 
    9. Always read what you have written to see you any words out.note 
    10. Correct spelling is esential.note 
  • At his high school reunion, Gabriel Iglesias was called up to give a speech as the celebrity of the class. He was completely hammered at the time, and went on a drunken tirade that ended with him calling two women who rejected him back in high school fat. One of them pointed out the obvious hypocrisy: Gabriel is also fat. However, he had a comeback for that: "I know, but I was fat back then too. I kept my figure, how come you couldn't?"
  • "There are three things in this world I can't stand. Hatred, bigotry, and midgets." (pause for laughter) "I'm sorry, I just don't like 'em." - James Gregory