"Don't anthropomorphize computers. They don't like it."
There's an old joke about a woman whose son and daughter got married within a week or two of each other. A few months later, a friend asks her about how her daughter is doing. The mom gushes about her son-in-law, how he cooks for her daughter, gives her lots of gifts, and sends his wife to a spa once a month. The friend then asks how the son's marriage is, and the mother gets a disgusted look on her face and begins going on about how her daughter-in-law doesn't cook, wants lots of gifts, and always wants to go to the spa...
A guy says, "I don't smoke, I don't cuss, and I don't drink." Then, a second later, he says, "Fuck, I left my cigarettes down at the bar."
In "Our Dumb World" (an atlas by The Onion), the entry on Italy describes the nation as a place where "...citizens base their opinions of other ethnicities on appearance and stereotypes alone. But then, what more do you expect from a bunch of greasy, filthy womanizers?"
Banksy is fond of this trope. Obvious examples include "We can't do anything to change the world until capitalism crumbles. In the meantime we should all go shopping to console ourselves." And his list of people who should be shot- "Fascist thugs, religious fundamentalists, and people who write lists telling you who should be shot."
Bobby Kennedy was fond of joking that he would "destroy" anyone who called him ruthless.
Barack Obama during his spiel at the 2013 White House Correspondents Dinner: "One senator who has reached across the aisle recently is Marco Rubio, but I don’t know about (running for President in) 2016. I mean, the guy has not even finished a single term in the Senate and he thinks he’s ready to be President. (laughter) Kids these days."note Obama was first elected to the Senate in 2004, then was elected President in 2008. Senate terms are six years.
"An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me." - Ambrose Bierce
Sunday Times editor Sir Harold Evans once collected the following ten guidelines for written English:
Don't use no double negatives.note So, do use double negatives?
Make each pronoun agree with their antecedent.note The pronoun "their" implies a plural antecedent, but it refers to "each pronoun", which is singular.
When dangling, watch your participles.note The participle "dangling" should refer to "participles"; as written, it refers to the person being instructed.
Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.note They're not?
Verbs has to agree with their subjects.note "Verbs" (the subject) is plural, but "has" (the verb) is singular.
About those sentence fragments.note Yes, about them. This sentence has neither a subject nor a verb, and a complete sentence usually has both.
Try to not ever split infinitives.note There should be no words in the middle of the infinitive "to split".
It is important to use apostrophe's correctly.note Start by getting rid of the one in "apostrophe's".
Always read what you have written to see you any words out.note "... to see if you have left any words out" is just one way to fill in the forgotten words.
Correct spelling is esential.note "Essential" has a double S.
"STOP USING ONLY CAPITAL LETTERS!!!!!"
At his high school reunion, Gabriel Iglesias was called up to give a speech as the celebrity of the class. He was completely hammered at the time, and went on a drunken tirade that ended with him calling two women who rejected him back in high school fat. One of them pointed out the obvious hypocrisy: Gabriel is also fat. However, he had a comeback for that: "I know, but I was fat back then too. I kept my figure, how come you couldn't?"