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Groin Attack: Real L Ife
    Played for Comedy 
  • One of the Darwin Awards involved a handicapped man attacking a burglar with his crutch. The burglar lost his nuts. He didn't get better.
    • Man tries to wash his own balls in a golf ball washer. Not a pretty sight.
    • Another guy blew off his nuts with a BB gun.
    • A drunken man once tried to have sex with a raccoon. Let's say teeth were involved.
    • A guy pleasured himself on a piece of running heavy machinery.
    • A man was found dead face-down on his couch... that had a hole in the cushion with a portable belt-sander beneath (sans sandpaper). Turns out the guy died of electric shock when a liquid came into contact with the plugged-in sander.
    • A couple guys used a shotgun shell to keep their car running when one of their spark plugs failed. Naturally, it went off, hit the driver in one of his testicles, caused him to lose control of the vehicle and resulted in a fatal crash.
    • Another winner was a man who got sexually aroused by having his wife press an unloaded double barrel shotgun on his testicles and pull the trigger. The last time they did this, the man had forgotten to unload the gun after a hunting trip that day.
    • Still another winner blew off his nadges when he stuffed a sawed off shotgun down the front of his pants.
    • One man was reported as having been brought to the emergency room wearing nothing but a shirt and a bloody towel with a groin full of porcupine quills. How they got there is strictly speaking a matter of conjecture (the patient being distinctly incoherent due to alcohol and pain) but there are not that many possibilities.
  • Liverpool defender Phil Babb taking a goalpost to the nads is one of the most recycled clips on football blooper shows.
    • As bad as that looks the impact is spread out over a larger area. Try having a single testicle crushed between the toe of a soccer cleat and one's pelvic bone. Crying is recommended but not easy...
  • Monkey Steals the Peach.
    • "The impact will lift the enemy off the ground."
  • A popular prank in real life:
    Guy: What is the capital of Thailand? BANGKOK! (cue owies)
    You know what my favorite play is? The Nutcracker! (GAH!)
    Did you know I got a job at the airport? Oh yeah, what do you do? Check Baggage! (OUCH!)
  • Doritos.
  • "Posting" was an old method of English playground bullying. Step 1: find your victim, preferably smaller and weedier. Step 2: hold his arms and get two others to hold each leg. Step 3: separate legs and run him full-tilt into a nearby post.
  • In foil fencing the groin shot is a legitimate move, the target area being the torso and crotch. It's also legal in Epee, but in that everywhere is a legal target. The only time it isn't legal is with slashing weapons, like a saber. Getting stabbed in the nuts isn't a pleasant experience.
    • In fencing most gents opt from day one or soon after to wear a cup to defend against this. Target area being what it is and less-experienced fencers propensity to have less control of the blade, a nutshot in fencing is a When, not an If, proposition. Those that consciously choose not to defend themselves are rarely afforded sympathy when the inevitable happens.
      • ...and here is the same in samurai style
    • This match suggests that sometimes old-school is the only way to go. Killer finishing move...
  • This Finnish battlecry during WWII: "Fire at their balls!"...because their militiamen tended to fire 'high' because they let their rifles jerk up in their hands when they fired. Urging militamen and raw-recruits to fire at the enemy's groins or feet is a trope as old as gunpowder-warfare itself.
  • Baseball
    • Cardinals outfielder Matt Holliday took a line-drive to the pills in a game versus the Dodgers. The fact that this was A) The third out of the ninth inning with a Cardinals' lead and B) A playoff game in C) a series the Cardinals would go on to lose means that we'll be seeing that replay for a long time to come. Cardinals fans will react predictably.
    • Then-Seattle Mariners third baseman Adrian Beltre, who doesn't wear a cup, took one to the happy place and was put on the DL for a severely bruised testicle. What makes it funny is that Ken Griffey Jr had the Mariners PA play The Nutcracker Suite during Beltre's first at-bat back
    • Also back in 1997 on the Mariners, reliever Josias Manzanillo took a Manny Ramirez comebacker right to the groin and had to get a testicle removed!
    • Such incidents seem to be commonplace in Seattle Mariners history. In 1980, pitcher Mike Parrott took a liner to the man area early in the season. Parrott went from 14-12 in 1979 (the team went 67-95) to 1-16 in 1980.
    • This poor umpire ended up on the wrong end of a fastball from Washington Nationals pitching phenom Stephen Strasburg. The catcher missed (or barely grazed) the ball. The sound you hear is (fortunately) the umpire's cup, but when a ball hits the man region at 96 MPH, there's only so much a cup can do. (The count after this pitch was one ball, one strike. Make of that what you will.)
    • Phillies first baseman John Kruk was holding a runner on first, when pitcher Mitch Williams threw a ball over to keep the runner on. The ball bounced and hit Kruk right in the nads. In an uncommon twist, examination of the injury actually revealed that Kruk had testicular cancer, which, thanks to being caught early, was successfully treated.
  • This seemed to be missed by most people, but in 2006 when the Dallas Mavericks were playing the San Antonio Spurs for the NBA Western Conference championship, coach Avery Johnson made a last second player change, and Josh Howard received some collateral damage.
  • I Kicked Burning Terrorist So Hard in Balls That I Tore a Tendon in My Foot: Best. Headline. Ever. Because they still make MEN up in Scotland.
  • This slalom skiier had an unfortunate encounter with a flag.
  • Groin attacks are the bread and butter of America's Funniest Home Videos.
  • According to an Urban Legend, an old martial artist challenged a roomful of martial arts masters to knock him down. One by one they tried and were countered. Then Bruce Lee stepped forward and kicked him in the balls. note 
  • Juggling with poi involves spinning two weights on the end of a rope, elastic or — oh horror — chain. Beginners spend much of their time hitting themselves in the face; ''male'' beginners, on the other hand...
  • This guy took a tennis ball to the nads For Science!. Said tennis ball was travelling at 50 mph. You can cry now.
  • Nasty The Horse, who posts various videos online of him finding new and wince-inducing ways of destroying his testicles.
  • A guy takes a bite to the scrotum from a bluefish.
  • This prank in a segment called "With Friends Like These" featured on the April 28, 2010 episode of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
  • Visitors and potential visitors to Six Flags Magic Mountain should be aware that the spinning roller coaster Green Lantern: First Flight has a problem with the spinning mechanism, the safety harness design or both so that at least some of the riders end up taking a substantial amount of the force applied on them by the coaster right in the crotch. In a lesser example at the same park, the adjustable seats on the stand-up roller coaster Riddler's Revenge have an unfortunate tendency to abruptly rise when the ride operator releases the safety restraints.
    • Heck, any stand-up roller coaster coaster, particularly those designed by the Swiss roller coaster company, Bolliger & Mabillard, can be painful in the crotch because the "seats" are essentially height-adjustable bike seats with shoulder restraints over them. Riddler's Revenge at Six Flags Magic Mountain (mentioned above), Green Lantern at Six Flags Great Adventure, and Mantis at Cedar Point deserve special mention as they are the tallest, fastest, and most intense of these coasters.
  • A famous Russian joke, also riffing on the large numbers and supposed incredible obedience of the Chinese:
    The Chinese Government asked for help in curbing population growth. The Europeans, Americans and Japanese all offered the latest developments in birth control, but they were all too slow and expensive. The Russians offered to do it for free and in an instant, and won the contract. They sent a number of Russian Army officers, who gathered up a line of 100 million Chinese males.
    Officers: "Ten-hut! Put down your pants!"
    Without hesitation, the men drop trou.
    Officers: Turn to your right!"
    The Chinese do in perfect unison. One junior officer mutters, "Wish I could get just 10 Russian rookies to do a right-face like that..."
    Officers: "Bend down and take your neighbour's balls in your mouth!"
    Again, they obey without hesitation. Then a soldier came to one end of the line, and kicked the first Chinese in the balls. The sound of "Chomp, chomp, chomp..." receded in the distance...
  • In one of Rooster Teeth's podcasts, there's one story where Burnie kicked Gavin into a metal sheet, penis first, while he was taking a piss. Gavin was pissed (as in angry). Sometime later, a drunken Gavin attempted revenge and flubbed it, getting hit again.
  • Although it was a little of both funny and serious, TLC's "OMG! EMT!" series had a segment with a particularly combative old lady who did this to one of the paramedics who'd been called when she refused to go to the hospital for a procedure.
  • San Francisco 49ers tight end Vernon Davis was, on a play in 2014, tackled via groin grab. The resultant writhing in pain was completely understandable. See it here

    Played for Drama 
  • Policeman Frank Serpico fired upon an unknown assailant who refused to stop when challenged. Assailant was hit, staggered, but got away. Assailant presents to precinct house claiming scrotal mutilation by persons unknown. Serpico says "No, that's the guy I fired on." When pressure is applied, the truth is revealed. Assailant, now devoid of testicles thanks to Serpico's bullet, is wanted for rape.
  • An extreme (and non-comedic) real life example is the case of John and Lorena Bobbit, the latter of whom chopped off the former's penis after he allegedly raped her.
    • Another version of the story said that he'd raped and beaten her regularly throughout their marriage — it was his raping her anally that precipitated the attack.
    • Then there is Catherine Kieu Becker who, in 2011, drugged her estranged husband, cut off his penis, then threw it into the garbage disposal and turned it on. And despite calling the police to inform them of what she did (saying that her husband "deserved it"), she recently entered a Not Guilty plea.
    • Slightly related, there are horrifying coral-eating things called Bobbit worms. If they eat coral, imagine what those jaws can do to your flesh...
  • Word of wisdom: you may be able to out-fight your lover when you're both awake, but if they use a weapon or if you're asleep or someone fights with/for them? Think again. A father shot his daughter's abuser in the testicles. With a .410 gauge shotgun.
  • A type of tiny Amazon River catfish (parasitic, feeds on blood — fish, animal, human, it doesn't matter) called the candiru does a groin attack to males and females alike, mainly because that's the only part of a human or animal body (they swim into the gills of fish) likely to be in the water for an extended period of time — it finds prey by homing in on urine in the water, swims up the closest available orifice, whether that's the anus, vagina, or even the urethra, and extends spines to keep itself in place. Isn't nature wonderful?
    • The fish is real, and is attracted to urea because freshwater fish excrete small amounts of this substance via their gills, where the candiru wants to go. The part about them defying gravity to swim up a stream of urine and attack a guy who's only whizzing in the river is what's an urban legend - if a person's groin is below water-level at the time they urinate, it's fair-game.
    • Thankfully it has been repeatedly proven that the Candiru is not attracted to urea - in fact it cannot detect urea at all. As noted, fluid dynamics also make it impossible for the fish to "travel up a stream" of urine. Moreover, the only documented case of a Candiru being lodged anywhere (in the case it was a male urethra) is widely considered to be a hoax if for no other reason than the fish being to large to have gotten as far in without outside forces.
  • During WWII, Major William Fairbairn, who trained many special forces operatives for the Allies, was widely reputed to have a strong distaste for "fighting fair". Supposedly, when explaining the best way to take a man out in a given circumstance, the last step was always "And then kick him in the testicles". As in warfare it's very often "kill or be killed", military hand to hand combat training usually has not much room for fair fighting, so groin attacks are rather common.
  • Woe unto any predatory animal, male or female, that dares attack the ratel, aka the honey badger (not the tank named after it, though, but it is STILL quite a threat, too!)... If they can fight puff adders (extremely poisonous snakes in Africa, where both it and the ratel are from) and eat them, too, they won't hesitate to inspire fear to anybody that dares to go within spitting distance of one! The ratel viciously attacks anyone or any animal that threatens it. What's worse, the ratel will (at the right moment) lunge at the crotch of either gender of attacker, and tear their groin out with their teeth, leaving the unfortunate attackee to bleed to death in the most excruciating pain unimaginable. Wildebeest and LIONS have died from bleeding to death by having their scrotums torn off by this 3-foot animal, and HUMAN MALES weren't above being ruinously castrated by ratels, too, when they approached one! If you go to Africa, and see a ratel... be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
  • In Game 1 of the 2008 Stanley Cup Eastern Conference Quarterfinals, Philadelphia LW Patrick Thoresen took a shot in the groin. He was hospitalized and told he might have to have one of his testicles removed. He was back on the ice for Game 3.
  • During the Battle of Stamford Bridge (1066), a lone Viking berserker stood on said bridge and held off the entire Saxon army for an hour. The berserker was finally killed when a quick thinking Saxon soldier floated under the bridge in a barrel and shoved a spear through his groin from below.
  • In the band's "Behind the Music" episode, Metallica lead singer James Hetfield recalled an incident following the infamous pyrotechnic accident during one of their tours where James took the worst of the damage, and had to have his arm in a cast during which time he couldn't play guitar. One of the tour's technical crew accidentally hit James' arm, and James got so angry that he "punched him right in the nuts."
  • Tom Green essentially sees the time he had cancer as this (since it was in cancer in that particular area).
  • Sam Houston took an arrow in the groin at the Battle of Horseshoe Bend, the injury keeping him out of the rest of the War of 1812. The Eric Flint Alternate History novel The Rivers of War changed this as the point of departure from our universe, the arrow only nicking his outer thigh, after slipping on a dirt mound, leaving Ensign Houston available during the War of 1812 to rally the defenders of Washington, DC (much to the despair of Francis Scott Key).
  • Territorial male seals attempt to bite each other in the groin when they fight, rendering their rivals incapable of competing for females.
  • Snails and slugs are hermaphrodites, but prefer to breed as males, so attempt to neuter each other with Groin Attacks before mating: whichever snail loses its testes is the one that gets pregnant. Flatworm penis fencing! Isn't nature fascinating?
  • Rabbits also target their rivals tender portions when they fight. Territorial does do this when they don't want to make more little rabbits. To make matters worse, these fights usually end with said unfortunate bunny issuing the dreaded "rabbit scream."
  • Some guy in San Francisco removed his penis with an X-Acto knife because... it doesn't say why. He wasn't even drunk or high. It was either Too Dumb to Live or it was just a severe case of BDD.
    • Similarly, there's a video floating around online that was (supposedly) an entry for the BME Pain Olympics, which shows a man castrating himself. The title is only here for those with a bad enough case of Bile Fascination to search for it.
  • Removal of the male reproductive organs (and possibly including the penis itself) was one of the many, many ways you could lose a part of yourself in ancient Chinese penal codes. It most famously happened to the historian Sima Qian, who tried to speak up for a general who didn't do the honorable thing and commit suicide after he was captured by barbarians.
  • The Israeli martial art style of Krav Maga has a thing for groin shots. The whole idea of Krav Maga is 'Screw the rules, use any and all weak points to defeat your opponent.' The groin attack is one of the first things they teach you. Growing out of the mindset not to do it is one of the first challenges many Krav Maga practitioners find themselves going through, particularly if they had previous experience with a more traditional martial art. In another Israeli martial art named Aiki, they call the crotch ‘The Electric Company’, as the body shuts down when it takes a hit there.
  • Elephantiasis, resulting from an infestation of parasitic worms in the lymph nodes, can cause an internal Groin Attack, swelling the scrotum to basketball-size or larger.
  • Illustrated sword-fighting manuals from Renaissance times include this trope in their arsenal of combat moves, both as a target for sword-blows and kicks. Definitely not Hollywood fencing.
  • The Groin Attack was the favorite duelling tactic of count Fyodor "The American" Tolstoy, famous Russian adventurer and duelist of the XIX century. In his numerous duels Tolstoy, a crack shot, usually aimed for the opponent's groin, reasoning that "There won't be a sin of murder on my soul, and he won't be breeding any more fools". At least one his opponent - Naryshkin - died from the groin shot anyway.
  • Another Darwin Award winner injected cocaine into his urinary tract, resulting in severe priapism that led to gangrene that cost him his penis, his legs, and nine of his fingers.
  • At least one (female) psychologist finds the idea of attacking the testes to be absolutely disgusting, and, among other things, suggests calling Groin Attacks "non-sexual genital assaults" to make them seem less funny.
    • Hmm... It's not doing the trick. In fact, the lack of any sexual element is what normally makes them so funny.
  • Adam Lambert took one of these at the Manila performance of his GlamNation tour. During the dancers' intros he dirty-dances with his choreographer, who at this particular show tried to counter a hip-thrust with a butt-bump at exactly the wrong time and got The Glam One right where it hurts. Check it out at 8:23 and onward. (This Glambert can't help laughing at his reaction every single time . . . even though it really shouldn't be funny.)
  • Many self-defense classes suggest kicking an attacker in the balls then running while he's still in shock.
    • Subverted by other classes that recommend aiming for the shins. (The damage may interfere with the attacker's ability to run.)
      • On top of that, still other classes advise going for the eyes, as a kick to the balls will not do enough in the short-term to hamper an attacker's ability to chase after a potential victim.
  • Some cultures (predominantly in Northeast Africa) practice female genital cutting (or mutilation), which involves taking a pubescent girl and cutting away some of the tissue around her vagina. Mild cases involve trimming away the exterior labia or clitoris, while more extreme cases cut away everything and sew up the site, leaving only a hole for urine and menses to pass through. Some practitioners believe it is a necessary part of raising a girl properly, on the theory that it reduces a girl's libido and helps her resist illicit sexual behavior.
    • "Controlling libido" is technically true, in that many affected women can't stand sex at all because it's so painful, and therefore will not have it. ...If they develop any libido at all. (They often get triggered into flashbacks of their circumcision, as well.) The more well-intentioned men who genuinely think this is a good way to find a decent woman are unpleasantly surprised to find they can't even consummate their marriage.
    • Almost the entire world thinks it's a gruesome, barbaric, and misogynistic practice that should be ended. The act is designed to deny the woman any sexual pleasure, and it is often performed in a less-than-medical environment (e.g. a dirty hut with a large knife). To their credit, both the civil and religious authorities in the countries where it exists have condemned the practice in no uncertain terms.
    • The more extreme version can also make childbirth extremely dangerous to both mother and child, if not nigh impossible. Midwives from countries where FGM is a common practice are often shocked by how easy (relatively speaking) labor is for women in the rest of the world.
  • Giving birth can result in extremely nasty tears around the vagina (compared to our closest relatives our adults have narrow pelvises and our babies very big heads; you do the math's). Until Penicillin V became available there in the mid-1950s, in Europe the death-rate for giving birth was 15% owing largely to gangrene (childbed/puerperal fever) - the current European death-rate being less than 0.01%. Of course, the normal/old death-rate remains in some of the least economically-developed parts of the world where antibiotics are still an expensive rarity.
  • Worryingly enough, a Groin Attack can occur more or less spontaneously and without warning. It's called a testicular torsion and is what happens when a testicle twists around a bit too far and cuts off its own blood supply. Not only is it very painful, but the testicle must be untwisted within a few hours or it will die - which, if it wasn't enough for ya, will result in gangrene if it's not promptly removed.
  • The sadomasochistic practice of cock and ball torture. Exactly What It Says on the Tin.
  • For some reason, it's common for people to think that kicking a woman in the groin is ineffective. Being kicked ANYWHERE is painful. The lack of testes means that a kick to the groin won't be quite as severe, but the female genital region still has nerve endings. A groin attack can still hurt a member of either sex.
    • Females are also more likely to suffer permanent damage from a groin attack, for a number of reasons.
      • Some of this damage involves (besides nerve damage) breaking the pubic bones. In the female, these bones are set at an obtuse angle (to facilitate childbirth), and they are more easily accessed. CRACK!!!
    • Any girl or woman who has sat down too quickly on a bicycle, or tried to hop a fence and slipped, knows just how painful getting hit in the groin is.
    • Plenty of playground girl fights show how common it is for a Groin Attack to floor a girl with the agony. This trope description implies it requires trained fighters or specialists to be able to damage a girl with a Groin Attack. Most of these examples show how wrong that is.
  • Don't whiz on the electric fence, or a fence in a lightning storm. Loss of manhood may result.
    • Busted by MythBusters.
      • Urinating on an electric fence isn't dangerous because of the discontinuity of the flow, but a lightning strike certainly is. Remember that a lighting is basically electricity breaking through the resistance of air.
  • Also, look up Wikipedia user Tim Nu, who claims to have undergone penectomy at the age of 12 due to a serious infection and now wants to shed light on the subject. The picture he uploaded to Wikicommons is pretty Squick-enducing.
  • Rats. The less said the better...
    • Bonus points: there were no medical personnel around as he lay dying in his pool of blood. Worst Aid at its finest.
  • This woman set her boyfriend's crotch on fire.
  • This article. The man in the article pulled a Plaxico Burress. note  Except the bullet went through his penis AND his leg. You can all wince now.
  • Just type the words 'skater' and 'nuts' into YouTube's search engine if you get an enjoyment out of wincing.
  • Some thieves stole... We're not gonna go any further. Read the story here if you're really that curious. Police suspect the attackers were women the victim was cheating on. Perhaps this article will decrease the infidelity rate.
  • Marcus Junius Brutus, during the assassination of Caesar, elected to stab him in the nuts. Some say that this was an indication that Brutus thought he was Caesar's illegitimate son, but how much credence can be given to the theory is debated. "Most unkindest cut of all" indeed.
  • During a post-fumble pileup in a 2010 game, one Texas A&M player executed this trope against Nebraska's Ben Cotton, presumably to draw a personal-foul penalty for retaliation. Sadly enough, it worked — as is often the case in American football, the referees only saw the retaliation, and saw fit to penalize Nebraska a whopping 30 yards on the play.
  • Shaolin Monks train themselves to be resistant to crotch attacks. [1]
  • Inverted with the usik or walrus penis-bone, traditionally used as a cudgel by Arctic natives.
  • Interestingly, this method can be used to see if an enemy soldier lying on the ground is alive or dead. Simply spread the legs, and kick'em like you were going for a penalty shot in Soccer/Football. If they're alive, they WILL make a noise, and you can proceed to treat them like a POW.
  • Sex itself can be considered a Groin Attack because (although pleasurable) both parties do feel a certain amount of pain while in the act. Only if you're doing it wrong. If it hurts you didn't use enough lubricant, didn't let your bodies adjust to the action, or were just plain moving too fast.
  • In 1986, rugby player Wayne Shelford of New Zealand caught a cleat in a very unfortunate spot during a pileup. He was able to get off the field under his own power and get back on after getting stitches. Let's just say said stitches were needed to keep certain genetically important objects enclosed in skin where they belonged.
  • A man takes it upon himself to bite his (now former) friend's penis off because he was asked to turn down the volume of his Xbox. The man somehow managed to do this with only two teeth.
  • Surprisingly, this trope actually allowed someone to survive an assassination attempt. In 1981, CIA Double Agent Boris Korczak got a ricin-laced bullet to the kidney courtesy of the KGB. Luckily for him, the body treated the bullet as if it were a kidney stone.
    • Kidney stones themselves. On the microscopic level, they're covered in crystallized Spikes Of Doom, and they feel the part.
  • Fournier gangrene (Wikipedia page featuring a squicky picture). It is a form of gangrene affecting the pelvis and genital area.
  • Origen was rumored to having castrated himself to shield himself from the temptations of the flesh after inspiring himself from Matt. 19:12 before later treating it as an Old Shame having prevented him from being ordained a priest in Constantinople.
  • Several religious sects practised ritual castration:
    • The Cybele's Galli cut their genitals during ecstatic festivities.
    • The Valesians in the second century AD only allowed castrated men to eat meat, and forcibly castrated anyone who traveled in their Arabian lands.
    • The Skoptzy, on account of the same verse than Origen, in Imperial and later Soviet Russia, from 1750s to 1970s, though castration generally stopped and/or reduced after the 1910s.
    • Some Heaven's Gate members went to a Mexico clinic to remove their testicles.

Western AnimationGroin Attack    

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