- Before the time skip, we have Ghost having people sneak up on HIM. He lampshades this:
(Tsume saying she wants a word) "Oh come on! WHY is it that whenever I go through a big battle, people just freely know how to find me even when I try to hide? (pokes air in front of him repeatedly) Is this thing broken?"
- Crypt gives us this beauty:
Crypt: "OH MY GOD! PLANK IS THE LOG'S SON! *head explodes*
- Naruto vs his stomach
stomach: (growls)Naruto: "Oh hush up. We can eat later."stomach: (growls)Naruto: (serious) "Your counter-argument is very persuasive and logical."
- Ghost when showing Naruto how he uses the 7th sense to massage women.
"I used to go to hot springs and make the women think they were haunted by a dead masseuse. Ooooh. I am a dead guuuuuy! Let me rub your back and booobiiiieeeesss! F cuuuuuup. Very niiiiiiiiccccceeee… hold on a second I think I felt a luuuuuummmmp… false alaaaaarm, it was just your niiiiiiipleeeees. My baaaaaaad…"
(in time with banging his head on the tree he and Ghost are perched on) "Why. Why. Why. Why..."
- Naruto's subsequent reaction.
- When linked!Sakura is brought in and starts training with the Oogakari. She gets to go through the same high-velocity evasion training Naruto got to go through. Only at the hands of Waltz.
- Chapter 20 opens with the Konoha 12 in a tight circle with their backs to one another, scanning the training field, waiting for Ghost to try and surprise them. Turns out, he appears in the middle of the group with two airhorns to get the drop on them. They start talking to him normally, until...
Ghost: (standing against a tree several yards away) Who are you talking to?
Tenten: Wait. If you're over there, then who...
(They turn to "Ghost" who then poofs away to reveal a model cow covered in exploding tags.)
Ghost: Thare are no innocents; there are only the hunted...and the cows.
Anko: You have serious problems.
- Congratulations, Naruto! You've made Chuunin! And you're fast-tracked to make special Jonin! All you have to do is complete this list of tasks that the Third Hokage has laid out for you. Not only is the last one, having to help teach at the academy for six months the biggest shocker, the subsequent reactions are better: Naruto lets out a village-wide Big "WHAT?!". Naruto then curses out Tsunade. Tsunade beats the everloving shit out of Naruto, leaving him all bandaged up. Sakura ends up finding out about his requirements. Cue Sakura manhandling Naruto on her way to her gigantic Freak Out.
- Two of Scabbard's latest eccentricities in Chapter 66.
- First and foremost, "Science." Cue the hysterical panic.
Ghost: "WE MUST FIND THE NEAREST VOLCANO AND THROW OURSELVES INTO IT! BY THE TIME OUR BODIES HAVE REPAIRED THEMSELVES, ENOUGH TIME SHALL HAVE PASSED THAT SCAB WILL NO LONGER HAVE THE DESIRE TO WARP OUR MINDS AND OR BODIES… OR HE WILL USE SOME OTHER UNFORTUNATE SOUL FOR HIS EXPERIMENTS!"
- Shadow also forbids Crypt (in usual Oogakari fashion) from making a new volcano for them to jump into. If one were to think about it, they'd figure out it's because Scab always finds them if he does.
- Secondly, whenever Scabbard comes out on top via an improvised plan.
Scabbard, smoking a cigar while addressing Naruto: "You know how lots of people smoke cigarettes after sex? Well this is my cigarette, and my sex is when an amazing plan that I pulled out of my ass comes together. While I am smoking this beauty, you are to address me as Hannibal. You shall be Howling Mad Murdoc, Zabuza is "Face", and Bee here is "Mr. T." and together, we are the "A-Team"… God I love my sex…"
- First and foremost, "Science." Cue the hysterical panic.
- Ino temporarily becoming a Harem Seeker. And everyone's reaction.
Hinata's thoughts: "As long as she doesn't go for Naruto-kun, I don't mind either way. No one's taking my one man harem away from me. Not if I have anything to say about it."Naruto: "I don't believe it. I've been trying and planning for months on how to get back at Ero-ni in the most horrible and embarrassingly humiliating way possible… and Ino singlehandedly pulls it off without even thinking about it. That shouldn't be possible… I'M the pranking king of Konoha… I should be the one to be able to do that so easily… it's like nothing makes sense in the world anymore…"Sasuke(while shivering uncontrollably): "… I'm renewing my restraining order on Ino after this…"Shikamaru to Chouji: "… I'm starting to think broken is too small of a word to describe what you did to her Choji…" "… but I think you got your answer as to what she thinks of you… I think…"Shikaku: (thinking, and sitting right next to Inoichi) 'Must. Not. Laugh. Laugh. Equals. Mind Rape. Mind Rape. Is. Troublesome.'Hana: "Oh dear god mom's going to kill me."Tsume: "They will all die. Painfully. Slowly. Locked naked in a box with Tora and 5 kilos of catnip. There will be no mercy…"Jiraiya: Jiraiya said nothing as he frantically scribbled down notes in his notepad as if his life depended on it. He was really questioning why he never came back to Konoha when he should have been looking after Naruto. He had completely forgotten how… inspirational… kunoichi could be, and you couldn't find more kunoichi than in a major ninja village.Scabbard, Zuzushi, Waltz, and Kiba: Laughing their asses off.
- Major example from chapter 61, just released, staring Suigetsu: "My ass is frozen, and so are my drinks, sir!
- Upon Naruto winning a bet with Tsunade:
Long after the war with Madara ended, the academy still raves about the week that Naruto Uzumaki taught an academy class with the Hokage's hat on his head.
- From Chapter 22 As Naruto trains Sakura and Sasuke in the Wave Arc:
"QUACK QUACK MOTHERFUCKER""Gentlemen…" Announced a third clone in a stiff and uptight manner as the group prepared for Sasuke's and Sakura's onslaught. "It has been an honor working with you in this glorious task of aiding our comrades' training. I wish you grand harvests and virgins aplenty in the next life."
- Ghost's arrival at the climax of the Wave Arc:
"GATO." Spoke a deep and menacing voice from the direction that he just flew from. Everyone turned to see… a huge head on top of the bridge. Its features were blocked out by the steam, but Naruto already knew who it was. "YOU HAVE ANGERED THE GIANT BIG HEADDED TIKI GODS WITH YOUR SHORTNESS AND YOUR CRUEL TREATMENT OF THIS COUNTRY. AS THE GRAND TIKI ELDER HEAD, I, M. NIGHT SHAMALAMADINGDONG McTOOTTOOT, I CONDEMN YOU TO… OOOOH CRAP MY NECK!" During the entire speech, the head was continuously swaying side to side with greater movement each time until it just about fell over the edge. "SHIT! I'M FALLING OVER THE EDGE! NONONONONONONONONONONO!" Said giant head rolled over the side of the bridge, causing everyone watching to sweat drop excessively. They all were staring at where the head just was and trying to comprehend what the hell just happened as a man crawled back over the edge of the bridge. "Holy crap that was close." He yelled to himself. "Now I know why people don't use the big head technique more often. It's fucking murder on the neck! Owwww."Everyone proceeded to sweat drop more. "Yeah, sensei…" Naruto sighed. "Ero-Ni's here."
- Crypt and
the floor poultry HyuugaEVERYTHING. That is allEVERYTHING."Heheheh. I was the girl singer.""They had sex…"
- Shadow and/or Hinata plus Foxy Naruto.
Hinata: "Naruto-kun is mine, and so help me if you get near him again I will use the extent of my power to blow up your tits lady..." The girl growled as she coldly stared at the already unconscious woman and causing everyone else to naturally back up from her.Anko: "Damn… and I thought I was violent when someone unwanted goes after my man…" Anko whistled in an impressed tone.Ghost: Ooookkkkk… we might want to lighten up on the crazy when it comes to Hinata for now…
- Kakashi and Gai have definitely had a few.
"Sorry Gai. I wasn't paying attention. I kept on hearing the term "3 for 3" in my head repeatedly for some strange reason and it just happened to block out everything else…""NOOO!" Gai roared as he realized that all of his students failed to beat any of Kakashi's. "DAMN YOU KAKASHI AND YOUR HIP ATTITUDE AND YOUR UNYOUTHFUL BOOKS AND YOUR MEDDLESOME YOUTHFUL STUDENTS AND YOUR PESKY DOGS AND YOUR FLYING MACHINES AND YOUR…!"
- Gai and Lee do the Sunset jutsu while embracing in a manly fashion. Then Ghost shows up and joins in, canceling the jutsu but making it far, far more disturbing. (Even Gai and Lee are disturbed!)
- Anko plus any of her girlfriends equals this.
"Sensei's vow of silence?""Vow of silence.""All I'll say is that I feel sorry for blondie when the girl finally gets out of her shell. Kage level stamina or not, he definitely won't be able to outlast-""VOW OF SILENCE!"
Anko: Try not to have sex with any of your cousins tonight!(Hana trips and headbutts the door of a crowded restaurant.)Hana: Why you… Two can play that game… Only as long as you don't get lonely enough that you have to summon your snakes for the extra "company" Anko!Anko: That was only that one time and you know it Hana! (sees everyone is staring at her now) …ah fuck.
- Both Ghost and Naruto's attempts to copy Anko's Dynamic Entry maneuver.
Naruto: My name is Naruto Uzumaki and I'll be your assistant teacher for the next semester! … And slightly delerious for the next hour. Lesson one: how to treat a concussion. GO!
- Tenten and her first meetings with Zabuza and Waltz... and their blades.
Tenten: (while tied up in rope made to hold Shadow and Crypt) JUST LET ME TASTE IT!
Waltz: What is your malfunction, child?!
- Anything with Ghost that isn't a legitimately pressing issue, and some things that are.
"… I'm hiding in a tree!" Someone hidden shouted. "… IT'S FUCKING BRILLIANT!"
- This happened twice.
- And the kicker
"You see children, unlike the Legendary Sucker Tsunade, whose luck is always in the pits when it comes to gambling unless something bad is about to happen, MY luck is like an unstable blind chipmunk on many, many drugs, meaning that one moment everything could be going my way, and the next I am being seduced by three overweight transvestites, oddly all named Bob, while tied up in a makeshift dungeon in one of their basements… only to escape seconds later, get them arrested and unknowingly gain a massive award for the aid in capturing three notorious rapist criminals. The lesson of the story children is that it is surprisingly difficult to find an overweight transvestite named Bob."
- Zabuza and Haku upon returning to Konoha and hearing the doorbell while at Ghost's home:
"Go forth my tool and do your master's bidding. Open the front door of horrors." Zabuza said in a mocking tone, enjoying Haku's reaction. "What? We're in the home of an insanely overpowered psycho of a man. Might as well act the part."
- The other chainlinked characters are concerned over Ghost's obvious corruption of Naruto. One example from the Princess Koyuki arc.
"Yep." Naruto deadpanned as he looked at the massive balloon machine that hovered over the small town. "Can I…""No." Kakashi answered before the boy even finished his sentence, knowing exactly what the he was asking. "Even if you actually do become Hokage, I would make it one of my life's missions to prevent you from having one."
- And...this came when Naruto is given FULL PERMISSION on HOW to destroy Dotou's Castle.
"Kakashi-san… I'm scared…" Haku whimpered as she saw the calm smirk on the whiskered boy's face."We all are Haku… we all are…" The cyclops wept.
- Konoha's respect for the Ninja Log just gets creepier and funnier over time.
"All hail that who sacrifices itself on our behalf for all time. The selfless deity of the forest. All hail the log." The three (Hiruzen, Hashirama, and Tobirama) chanted in a brainwashed fashion.
"And the lord doth said, "May not-eth my ninja be slain, but in his place be his scapegoat made thy image for but a few moments, the log." And there was much rejoicing. Amen." Prayed a devout Naruto from the side of the ring, clapping his hands together in prayer. "Amen." replied Iruka as he bowed his head
- Onoki and Roshi getting blasted with Orioke No Jutsu (Sexy Technique) by Naruto AND Konohamaru's group.
Onoki: Moving...here...after...I retire...(calms down) Ugh. What the hell happened…?Hiruzen: I'd appreciate it if all the men here didn't start fantasizing about my 7 year old grandson…
- When Naruto considers the theoretical implications of fangirls learning how to use Shadow Clones... well...
Random Hyuuga Branch Member: (After a thump is heard from outside Naruto's hospital room) "Hiashi-sama! Sasuke Uchiha has just collapsed for some reason! We swear we had nothing to do with it!"
- Naruto's reaction to Zuzushi on his head.
Lee: "YES! YOUR FLAMES OF YOUTH ARE MOST BRIGHT TODAY NARUTO-KUN! I WILL RUN WITH YOU UNTIL YOU CANNOT RUN ANYMORE AND IF I CANNOT DO THAT I WILL-"Naruto: "FOR THE LAST TIME FUZZY BROWS MY FLAMES OF YOUTH ARE NOT BURNING BRIGHTLY THERE IS SOMETHING RAPING MY HEAD HELP ME GET IT OFF FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"
- Crypt ambushing Naruto right when he was going to greet Kushina for the first time:
- Naruto's moment of joy after being recognized by enemy shinobi:
Naruto: "Someone I don't know called me by my nickname as if I was someone dangerous for the first time… I never thought I'd ever see this happen… Ero-Senin! Kakashi-Sensei! I did it! I finally did it! All that training, blood sweat and tears! All the humiliation I had to go through! All the cow bombings and running from mobs of angry women covered in their underwear! It finally paid off!"
- Naruto's Atomic F-Bomb in chapter 62. For context, he is under two silencing seals—one on him and one on the table at the restaurant he and his crew are at. And he screams loud and long enough to actually pass out.
- Sasuke and Tenten's fight ends up with a Double KO. As it turned out Naruto flipped a coin. This is the conversation.
Scabbard: "You flipped a coin when you placed bets on this fight didn't you."Naruto: "Yeah, you got me."
- Naruto reminding Gaara that he literally Ass Shove a Kunai with an exploding tag...in front of about half the Bijuu and their hosts.
- And repeating it against Han....Two for Two after all.
- Anytime "The Hunt" is taking place, as Naruto, Waltz, and Jiraya can attest to.
- The first time it happens, Shadow has both legs broken, Hinata's out of chakra, and Naruto is hiding behind Tsunade while completely scared for his life, his brand new fox tail bent in very odd angles behind him.
- After Shadow leaves while emitting killing intent that scared Shukaku.
Shukaku: "Rejoice human! We have been in the presence in the Sky Mother when she was pissed and remain alive and unmaimed! I'm so happy I feel like I just killed an entire town of humans!"
- A good portion of the Beach Episode chapter, especially Naruto's reaction to Hinata's swimsuit.
Naruto: "Fox boy obey pretty lady..."
- In the last chapter, the one time Crypt is acting sane. Why is he sane?
Crypt: "God I am so fucking high right now."
- The many ways in which the hospitalized Ghost is kicked out of the hospital...bed and all...
Ghost: I was minding my own business...
Tsunade: BULLSHIT! (punts Ghost's bed—and all the IV units he's hooked up to—right through a wall and to the ground six stories below)
- Itachi plus pocky:
Kisame: So eh, Itachi. You mind giving me a stick?
Itachi: (continues to munch on one of them, completely ignoring Kisame)
Kisame: Well ok then.
- In a preview for the sequel the author puts this line (probably said by Ghost) about Naruto:
(nervous) "Okay. So while we were training the minion created a move that could destroy a country. Normally that's not a move a hero should have... but we thought it was too awesome to let go."
- Everything Naruto listed that Ghost made him do over their absence. Such things include freezing him in his fox form then stranding him in a magical all-girls school, making him something of a deity to a number of civilizations, and covering him in the blood of a murder victim, then dropping him in front of the body in front of a load of witnesses. Naruto's revenge was a scroll of Chinese food.
- Prologue of Take Two: First day at the academy...
Iruka: Hello everyone. My name is Iruka, and—
(Crypt explodes into the room)
Shadow: HEY KIDS! WANNA SEE HOW TO BEAT A MAN TO DEATH WITH HIS OWN SKULL?!
- Chapter 1 of Take Two:
Kurama: "If you don't mind, I will now interpret any and all silence from all of you as your way of apologizing."
- Naruto gets lost and Kushina defends him when Kurama says that with Naruto's luck he'll run across an enemy. Cue Kabuto showing up.
Naruto: "I should have been more specific when I said no killing."Kabuto: "If you had a problem with me permanently crippling my targets, you should have said so sooner."Naruto: "You crushed at least seven of the bandit's spines with giant snakes and bit off the legs of twelve others."Kabuto:"Don't be such a poor winner. You took out twice as many bandits as I did, and I as the loser paid for lunch as we agreed. Considering you somehow made a good number of them fly headfirst into walls doesn't make you any more innocent than I. I believe that the townsfolk were talking about the place being guarded by some vengeful snake spirit when we were leaving the building. They don't even know that we were involved in the "divine retribution."Naruto: "Paid my ass. You used your snakes to loot the bodies of the ones you crippled to pay for it." Naruto deadpanned. "Don't think I didn't notice."Kabuto:"To the winner go the spoils." Kabuto continued to chuckle in good humor.
- Not only that, but Naruto actually convinces Kabuto to sit and eat with him in a friendly exchange of information...when the bandits raid the town. They decided to hold a contest on who can take out the most of them without leaving their seats, no clones, and no killing. Loser pays for the meal. The Result?
Ghost: Clean... Me...Kisame: ...What?Ghost: Clean... Me...Itachi: He's delirious. Not even worth killing. Come Kisame. We have to go-Ghost: Clean... Me... Or... I... Will... Hug... You.Itachi and Kisame freeze up.Kisame ...Is it me, or was that honestly one of the more terrifying threats that you've ever heard in your life?
- Then there is Itachi and Kisame running into Ghost, and becoming terrified by him when he follows them everywhere in an attempt to get them to wash away the results of Naruto's Chinese food prank.
- In Chapter Two of Take Two, Naruto blows up the Ichibi's head. This conversation follows:
Gaara: "Naruto. Tell me there is a logical reason why you just blew up my biju's head."Naruto: "Would you believe that he said heinous things about ramen?"Gaara: "Naruto."Naruto: "He insulted my mother?"Kushina: "I'd be the one responsible for blowing up his head if that was the case and you know it!"Naruto: "He insulted your mother?"Gaara:"Naruto!"Naruto: "He didn't brush his teeth in years and his breath was bad enough to legitimize such treatment for the sake of all that is decent in the world, and only the utterly violent destruction and recreation of his head would suitably cure?"Gaara: "So help me UZUMAKI!"
- In Take Two Round Two Chapter 8 alone we have:
- Naruto's reunion with Shion goes a bit differently than he expected because she remembers his promise back when he was stupid. She gives him a Big Damn Kiss in front of Hinata. Hinata then starts bearing down on him with a murderous gleam in her eyes while being absolutely polite and kind and gentle. Knowing he's screwed, he resorts to his full fox form and begs for death as she glomps him. When they others refuse he blasts them for taking the easy way out rather than facing an angry Hinata. This causes Shadow to sense Naruto's change from over a continent away, and she has a Freak Out over it.
- Shino's reaction to going on a mission with Naruto for once.
- Chapter 11:
Jiraiya looked up to the sky in a random direction."Something wonderful just happened."
- How does Hinata keep Naruto (still stuck as a small, cute, fox) safe while also pissing off Shion (who remembers the preious timeline and still loves Naruto)? Keeping him in between her breasts.
- The hunt for Shadow's vagina.
- Chapter 12's Omake. Scab is the Crocodile Hunter to A, Bee, C, Darui, and Yugito's crocodile. And A is having a...moment. And forgot Mabui's birthday. Again. Yep.
- Sasuke learns about his past-timeline self, and is... less than pleased. Furthermore, Past!Sasuke's behavior is not Yet-Again!Sasuke's only complaint...
Sasuke (upon seeing Naruto's image of his past-timeline self): ...There's no way I wore my shirt open like that in public.
Funny / Yet again
Some of the best Crowning Moments of Funny for Third Fang's Naruto fanfic Yet again, with a little extra help.