- There are many of these, thanks to both the marvellous word-play and the skilful performances by Nigel Hawthorne, Paul Eddington and Derek Fowlds; sadly, many tend to lose something in being written down. Nevertheless some shorter ones are still as good, such as:
Hacker: Humphrey! Do you see it as part of your job to help ministers make fools of themselves?
Humphrey: Well I've never met one who needed any help.
- Or 'The Skeleton in the Cupboard', when Sir Humphrey loses his equanimity for the first time, when it looks like a very serious cock-up he made earlier in his career is about to come back to bite him in the press, with Humphrey getting increasingly flustered as he tries to prevent the seemingly oblivious Hacker from releasing it:
Humphrey: We'd have to get clearances!
Hacker: Who from?
Humphrey: [Clearly grasping] ... Security implications! Foreign powers, national interests. We have to consult our allies, top brass. NATO, SEATO, Moscow!
Humphrey: Not Moscow. I didn't mean Moscow.
- Add to this one, Hacker's pure delight when he eventually cottons on to the reason for Humphrey's agitation, and his realisation that he finally has something he can use over Humphrey, with both Bernard and Hacker barely able to restrain their amusement:
Hacker: The question is, how am I going to deal with it?
Bernard: Well, you could...
Hacker: [Unrestrained glee] The question was purely rhetorical, Bernard.
- When Humphrey is summoned to Hacker's office after Hacker realises why he's so jumpy about everything, Humphrey initially peeps around the door like a nervous schoolboy summoned to the headmaster's office for a telling off.
- When about to deliver the coup de grace to Humphrey, to give him some dignity (and make him more compliant) Hacker apologetically asks Bernard to leave the room. Bernard complies, but can't quite stop himself from releasing a snort of laughter as he walks past Humphrey.
- Yes, Prime Minister has the last five minutes of 'The Key', in which Sir Humphrey's increasing paranoia about being replaced and the increasing obstructions placed on his access to the Prime Minister (most of which, ironically, resulting from his own pompous instructions to Bernard earlier in the episode about persons without appointments or passes being allowed access to Number 10) lead to him clambering out of his window and climbing up a drain pipe, accidentally setting off an alarm in the process. When the bedraggled, upset Cabinet Secretary finally sees Hacker, it leads to one of the show's ultimate examples of Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness:
Humphrey: Prime Minister I must express in the strongest possible terms my profound opposition to the newly instituted practice which imposes severe and intolerable restrictions on the ingress and egress of senior members of the hierarchy and will, in all probability, should the current deplorable innovation be perpetuated, precipitate a progressive constriction of the channels of communication, culminating in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis which will render effectively impossible the coherent and co-ordinated discharge of the function of government within Her Majesty's United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland!
Hacker: ... You mean you've lost your key?
- Here it is the scene mentioned above.
- Whilst Nigel Hawthorne's speeches as Humphrey were legendary and his ability in flawlessly reciting them rightly lauded, it's also down to Paul Eddington's perfectly played reactions that elevate some of them into the realm of genius; such as Hacker's response to Humphrey's typically verbose announcement that he's moving on to a new job: an utterly nonplussed and uncomprehending "... I see."
- The newspapers scene:
Hacker: Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers. The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country, The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country, The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country, The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country, The Financial Times is read by people who own the country, The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country, and The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.
Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?
Bernard: Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits.
- Suddenly, all those jokes at Fark make a lot more sense.
- And also:
Hacker: Europe is a community of nations, dedicated towards one goal.
Sir Humphrey: Oh, ha ha ha.
Hacker: May we share the joke, Humphrey?
Sir Humphrey: Oh, Minister, let's look at this objectively. It is a game played for national interests, and always was. Why do you suppose we went into it?
Hacker: To strengthen the brotherhood of free Western nations.
Sir Humphrey: Oh really. We went in to screw the French by splitting them off from the Germans.
Hacker: So why did the French go into it, then?
Sir Humphrey: Well, to protect their inefficient farmers from commercial competition.
Hacker: That certainly doesn't apply to the Germans.
Sir Humphrey: No, no. They went in to cleanse themselves of genocide and apply for readmission to the human race.
- While we're on the subject:
: You're blathering, Bernard. Bernard
: Yes, Minister. Hacker
are you blathering, Bernard? Bernard
: It's my job, Minister.
- Pretty much the entirety of "A Diplomatic Incident":
- Hacker's series of facial expressions when he is told of his predecessor's death are a particular highlight. He is initially delighted that the former Prime Minister is taking scandalous details to his grave with him, but then remembers that he's supposed to be sad that a beloved public figure has died, and quickly contorts his ecstatic smile into something resembling an expression of grief.
- Also, the entirety of the scene where Bernard and someone else are on the phone. Beautiful lines like this occur: "Yes, we will be wanting simultaneous translators for the meeting with the PM. ... No, not when the PM meets the leaders of the English-speaking nations. ... Yes, the English-speaking nations can be said to include the United States. With a certain generosity of spirit. ... No, you can't have alphabetical seating at the Abbey. You'd have Iraq and Iran next to each other. Plus Israel and Jordan all sitting in the same pew. We'd be in danger of starting World War III. ... Yes, I know "Ireland" begins with an "I", but no. That doesn't make it any better. Ireland never makes anything any better." What's especially funny about this is that seating in the UN General Assembly is alphabetical, so Iran and Iraq are directly next to each other, and Ireland is directly between Iraq and Israel.
- ("Quarantine, Prime Minister!")
- 'The Quality of Life', where unbeknown to Hacker, Humphrey has royally screwed him for planning permission for a bank in the area, by sabotaging the minister's visit to a city farm (he ensured it was threatened so the bank could step in and save Hacker's reputation in order to get the permission they needed).
Bernard: [It's] Mrs Phillips, sir...The warden of the city farm you visited yesterday.
Hacker: Ah, is she happy with the publicity I got? For her?
Bernard: She doesn't seem too pleased.
Bernard: She's just heard the farm is being closed...the lease is up at the end of the year, and she's just heard it's being turned into a car park. For Inland Revenue inspectors.
Hacker: (A little later) This must be stopped. What idiot authorized that?
Bernard: You did, Minister. (Hacker is told how he unknowingly did it). And, Mrs Phillips is still waiting to see you.
Hacker: She's the last person I want to see. This is the greatest disaster of this century, Bernard!
Bernard: There were two world wars, Minister.
Hacker: Oh, come on, Bernard. Fighting on the beaches is one thing; evicting cuddly animals and small children to make room for tax inspector's cars is quite another league.
- Hacker's brilliant about face and total demolition of a journalist at the end of 'The Moral Dimension', completely bamboozling her and leaving her speechless, and actually impressing Humphrey immensely. The discussion about 'creative negotiation' in Qumran between Humphrey and Hacker also qualifies.
- From "The Middle Class Ripoff", where Bernard demonstrates he may be naive, but he is not that naive, and then perfectly anticipates Hacker's response to a given problem and plans ahead (not included below).
Hacker: I thought these planning inspectors were supposed to be impartial?
Bernard: Oh, really, Minister. So they are. Railway trains are impartial too. But if you lay down the lines for them, that's the way they go.
- And sometimes even the guest actors get involved, such as in "A Victory for Democracy" when Hacker solves the pending international crisis the Foreign Office doesn't want the UK to get involved in and neatly shifts the blame on to his Foreign Office Liaison, Luke, who, in addition to not having the British representative at the UN abstain in a vote against Israel, as Hacker had ordered, had been doing his utmost to ensure Hacker didn't know the crisis was brewing. And then, in addition to the blame, "rewards" Luke with a new job as an ambassador.
Luke: (suspiciously) Where?
Hacker: Tel Aviv.
Luke: (anguished) My career will be ruined! They know I'm on the Arabs' side!
Hacker: It may come as a surprise to the Foreign Office, but you're supposed to be on our side!
- Hacker realises that Bernard has dropped him in it with Sir Humphrey:
Hacker: (stern) Bernard - how did Sir Humphrey know where I was?
Bernard: Err... God works in mysterious ways.
Hacker: Bernard. I would like to make one thing quite clear. Sir Humphrey is not God. Okay?
Bernard: Will you tell him or shall I?
- Pretty much any of the scenes were Bernard points out a badly Mixed Metaphor, but this one is a standout:
Hacker: The point is, this situation is now a real hot potato. If I don't do something it could become a banana skin.
Bernard: Excuse me, Prime Minister, a hot potato can't become a banana skin. If you don't do anything a hot potato will merely become a cold potato.
- Hacker's diary for the episode reads, "I wonder if Bernard ever realises how close to death he sometimes comes."
- Bernard gets another stellar moment when he objects to the phrase "stampeding herd of vultures": vultures are a flock, not a herd, and they don't stampede... "What do they do?" the PM asks icily, and unable to come up with a comparable word for "stampede", Bernard just does a bizarre impression of a vulture.
- In "Big Brother", Hacker finds out that Sir Humphrey's been fooling him, and his wife (Annie) urges him to ring Sir Humphrey. Hacker protests that it's two in the morning, and Annie says that it'll establish his authority. After Hacker's conversation with an audibly dishevelled Sir Humphrey comes this:
Hacker: (hangs up) Oh—damn! I forgot to tell him to come and see me about it before Cabinet.
Annie: Don't ring him now.
Hacker: No, I suppose it is a bit late.
Annie: Give him another ten minutes.
- In The Remake, there's a scene parodying the current trend of politicians to "look casual" by not wearing a full suit. Hacker takes off his tie, Bernard removes his jacket, and the determinedly uncasual Sir Humphrey rolls his eyes, and pushes his handkerchief all the way into his breast pocket.
- Pretty much any time Hacker starts doing his Winston Churchill impression or tucks his hand into his jacket like Napoleon.
- In "The Bed of Nails", the department has been saddled with an unwanted assignment directly from the Prime Minister to develop a unified transport policy, and Hacker and Humphrey are united to try and get rid of it. They hit upon the idea of developing a guaranteed-to-be-unpopular approach that would require intensive restructuring and enormous public cost, using a constituency chosen entirely at random as an example... the constituency happening to be the Prime Minister's. Hacker and Humphrey proceed to gleefully engage in a hypothetical destruction of the Prime Minister's constituency.
Hacker: [Delighted] Oh, look! A park!
- Three days into Hacker's career as PM, he tells Humphrey he wants to get rid of Trident and re-introduce conscription. In between this, the camera keeps cutting back to Humphrey's utterly aghast expression.
- During the same episode, Hacker learns the PM has to have his own cook if he wants a meal, as Annie goes out to work. Therefore, his only meal that day is half a Yorkie chocolate bar.
- The exchange between Sir Humphrey and Bernard when he realises Hacker's still trying to scrap Trident.
Sir Humphrey: What does he think he's doing?
Bernard: Trying to run the country.
Sir Humphrey: Well, stop him, Bernard!
- Spending most of "The Bishop's Gambit" and being faced with candidates who are unacceptable either due to excessive "Modernism"note or "Disestablishmentarianism"note , Hacker is finally faced with a choice between a religious conservative and the Dean of Ballie Collegenote , a dullard who shows no interest in anything but cricket, the history of Islam and steam trains:
- Firstly, Humphrey points out that the first candidate's conservative beliefs would lead him to publicly and outspokenly challenge government policy on issues such as birth control, abortion, media violence, Sunday trading, sex education and pornography:
Hacker: [Nervous] But these are issues on which the government is hoping to have no policy. Our policy is not to have a policy.
Humphrey: Well, quite. He's against your No Policy Policy.
- He then points out that the Dean is still an option:
Hacker: Well, he's not really up to it, is he? I gather he's very lazy, vain and totally uninterested in Christianity.
Humphrey: [Enthusiastic] Yes, but he's not against it! I think he'd make a thoroughly British bishop: cricket, steam engines and a complete ignorance of theology.