- "I pulled the guy's heart out, and showed it to him, and he was like, 'Nice.'"
- "They say when you die, you **** your pants. But not me; I'm gonna **** my heart."
- "Are you so retarded you even answer rhetorical questions?"
- The entirety of "Shakashuri Blowdown".
- "You look so superficial, you probably judge things by their appearances".
- "At least he died with God in his heart. You can taste it. Could use a little coconut."
- "It's an earthquake, a SOULSHAKE!"
- The hot dog business meeting.
Xavier: I know I was moving my hot dog in and out of Peterson's wife's buns last night. (Laugh Track)Peterson: My wife is dead. (Audience goes "Aw...")Xavier: I never said it was consensual. (Laugh Track) Don't worry, I used condiments. (Laugh Track) She enjoyed it with relish. (Laugh Track) Her mouth passed mustard. (Laugh Track) I could hardly ketch-up to her vagina! (Laugh Track) - How to distract sports fans: Simply pump your fist and chant "SPORTS!"
- Four words: Blue Chocolate Chip Tampons.
- "QUESTION MARK"
