"Take that! Taste the pain!"
—anyone who beats up Xavier
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Season 1
What Life D-D-Doth
- When Xavier goes to a US Army base to infect a computer with a disease to stop said computer's virus that's digitizing reality...
Army Desk Clerk: Welcome to the US Army, how can I help you?Xavier: I need some of that disease you guys invented.Army Desk Clerk: Crack?Xavier: The other one.Army Desk Clerk: (sighs) AIDS?Xavier: That's the spice!
- When Xavier tells the clerk he doesn't have time to fill out the necessary forms, the clerk gives him a giant bottle helpfully labelled "AIDS" that someone left in the Lost and Found.
- The "I want you" Recruitment poster on the wall behind the desk clerk has Uncle Sam's face replaced with the face of Osama Bin Laden.
- "I pulled the guy's heart out, and showed it to him, and he was like, 'Nice.'"
- "This is what gang-banging ought to be about."
- "At least he died with God in his heart. You can taste it. Could use a little coconut."
- "They say when you die, you shit your pants. But not me; I'm gonna shit my heart."
- When Xavier and the son of a rich mogul try and do impressions of each other, the boy BENDS his knees in similar fashion to Xaviers all while a distorted version of the shows theme song plays in the background.
- We have this gem, from his self monologue as he washes himself under a waterfall.
Xavier: I dream HARD of helping people. Ohh yeah helping people! Ooh helping people! Oohh! Oh God! I'm gonna pop-pop-pop-pop!
- Four words: Blue Chocolate Chip Tampons.
- "QUESTION MARK"
- This brilliant piece of Circular Reasoning:
Xavier: Rain, it's just God's tears. I know a shamanic Navajo rain dance that hasn't just blown minds, it's blown ducts, tear ducts.Farmer: I'm willing to try any precipitation boogie you got!Xavier: HAY A HO HAYaaaw, shucks, I forgot it! But we can jog my memory, with the Lakota memory jogging dance.Farmer: Just show me how!Xavier: AY YO HWA! AY...can't remember the memory jogging dance. I know, the irony is rich, so all we have to do is the Iroquois irony melting dance, and we'll be golden.Farmer: Do you remember that one?Xavier: Of course! This noodle is a steel cage! But only God can do that dance. And it has to be raining. That's the irony part.
- When the desperate farmer shoots at the sky in order to force God to bring rain upon his crops, he utters this line:
- When a sentient cloud blows black smoke at civilians, covering them in ash, police arrive to beat the said civilians.
- "Are you so retarded you even answer rhetorical questions?"
- "You look so superficial, you probably judge things by their physical appearance."
Season 2
Vibracaust
- "It's an airquake, a SOULSHAKE!"
- A weather scientist explaining to Xavier his newly created wind slaves...
Scientist: Hayaa! I'm putting you out to work the fields!Xavier: Wippity wippity whaaaa???Xavier: What do you call these wind monkeys!?Scientist: Wiggers.
- At one point, we see a wigger being hung from a tree for "staring saucy at [his] mistress".
- How to distract sports fans: Simply pump your fist and chant "SPORTS!"
- Xavier's line when he accidentally kills some people who were cryogenically frozen:
Xavier: You know, it takes fewer muscles to say "Thank you" than it does to die.
- "Clutch the dark-purple hairs of the galloping orangutan of normalicy and RIDE, NIGGA, RIDE!!"
- The hot dog business meeting.
Xavier: I know I was moving my hot dog in and out of Peterson's wife's buns last night. (Laugh Track)Peterson: My wife is dead. (Audience goes "Aw...")Xavier: I never said it was consensual. (Laugh Track) Don't worry, I used condiments. (Laugh Track) She enjoyed it with relish. (Laugh Track) Her mouth passed mustard. (Laugh Track) I could hardly ketch-up to her vagina! (Laugh Track)
- When Xavier tries to reason with angry locals who he thought were going to beat him up, only for them to beat up upon an Arab.
Xavier: I gotta warn you, if you beat me up, one day that pain will come back to me, sex fooold.Local: Not you freak, this here terroristical sand negroid!
- "Please, they prefer to be call sandfrican americans."
