Funny / Witches Abroad

  • The story of Bear Mountain's name. It was a bare mountain, but nobody ever bothered to change the name because of the profit from tourists buying maps, souvenirs, trinkets, and hiring guides to help them hunt the bears.
  • "You mean everyone brought potato salad?"
  • There's nothing wrong with a good squint. Looks good on a witch.
    "But you have to know how to use it," said Nanny Ogg. "Old Gertie Simmons used to have a squint and she was always putting the evil influence on the end of her own nose. You can't have people thinkin' that if you upsets a witch she curses and mutters and then her own nose drops off."
  • Whenever Nanny tries to talk in foreign languages.
  • Nanny knows how to start spelling 'banana', but not how to stop. Thus: 'banananana.'
  • One of Magrat's martial arts books is authored by a certain Grand Master Lobsang Dibbler of Ankh-Morpork.
  • Granny and Nanny meet Mrs. Gogol and her black cockerel, Legba.
    Nanny Ogg: That's the biggest cock I've ever seen, and I've seen a few in my time
    Granny Weatherwax: She never had no proper upbringing.
    Nanny Ogg: What with growing up next to a chicken farm and all is what I was about to say next!
  • Granny being angry at an alligator, which just ate her hat. She then proceeds to Whip It Good. With a snake. It's hard not imagining it going pleading-puppy-eyed at her, begging to be let go.
  • Vampires have risen from the grave, the tomb or the crypt... but none have ever risen from the cat.
  • Almost any time the Duc's title comes up, because the witches think it's pronounced "duck". There's this prince, who's a duck, who's really a frog...
  • Jason Ogg being worried about his mother and Granny Weatherwax running into the 'fearsome wild beasts in foreign parts' ... because some of those poor beasts are nearly extinct.
  • The Mystic Horseman's Word used by Jason Ogg (and later Granny Weatherwax) to tame even the wildest of horses: "Well, ma'am, what happens is, I gets hold of 'un and smacks 'un between the eyes with hammer before 'un knows what's 'appening, and then I whispers in his ear, I sez 'Cross me, you bugger, and I'll have thy goolies on t'anvil, thou knows I can'."
  • Casanunda shows up at the ball, as a Royal Guard, to try and seduce Nanny Ogg.
    • Later, when she's in prison, Nanny Ogg asks him how he's a Royal Guard, the rest of whom are at least 6 feet tall, despite being a dwarf.
    Casanunda: I lied about my height, Mrs. Ogg. I'm a world-famous liar.
    Nanny Ogg: Is that true?
    Casanunda: No.
    Nanny Ogg: What about you being the world's greatest lover?
    Casanunda: Well, maybe I'm only No. 2, but I try harder.