- The Malkavian player character is the source for 90% of the game's humor.
Anchor: [about the hunters taking Johansen] Police officials have gone on record as saying "Don't worry, that crazy bastard will save him."
- The Malkavian conversation with a stop sign. "No, you stop!"
- "You've made a powerful enemy today, sign!"
- The best moment for the Malkavian player character option is probably listening to the various television sets' news reports. If you've played the game on normal mode, you may be surprised to hear the newscaster suddenly start addressing you or talking like a Looney Tunes character in his usual deadpan Ted Baxter-esque voice.
Anchor: Los Angeles citizens were left shocked today following a vicious gun battle between the LAPD...and you. They were all like, "BANG! BANG! Ya filthy varment!", and you were all like "POW! POW! Oooh, you wascaly wabbit! You got me!"
Anchor: [about the thugs killed in the Surfside Diner] Police say that vigilantism will not be tolerated, and that they know it was you.
Anchor: [about the warehouse explosion] Police don't have any suspects at this time, but they're pretty sure the source of the explosion came from you.
Anchor: An official statement issued by the president says that he can do whatever he wants. Who do you think put him there?
Oh shit. A Malkavian. I suppose I'll figure out what the hell you're talking about in a month or so. Man, I hate talking to you guys! I always feel like I'm getting an answer to a question I haven't even asked yet. Oh well.
- The fact that most Kindred seem seriously annoyed that they have to deal with a Malkavian. Bertram's response is a classic example:
[In a 'I'm-talking-to-a-five-year-old' voice] Yes, yes. I'm sure it was quite an experience.
- LaCroix's "uh-huh" reaction when you give him the bullet point summary of all the horrible things you've encountered in Santa Monica like ghosts, Thin-Bloods, serial killers, and worse.
Aaaah, Dream Creature, hmmmm? O-kay, somebody's circulating the bad candy again, I see. But that's alright! No sense, no fear, right?
- Venus' reaction to your "confession" ("When the Dream Creature waves, sometimes I wave back!") is pretty similar, and arguably even funnier:
Samantha: What's it like being a turtle?
- The abuses for Dementation are just horrible (and horribly funny). While some, like making Chunk feel worthless are kinda sad, most of them are just plain Crazy Awesome.
- Two such examples take place in Hollywood. How do you get that loud and obnoxious critic to write a bad review for a restaurant? Get him to think he's eating maggots! How to get Samantha off your back when she recognizes you? Make her think you're her pet turtle that she flushed down the toilet long ago!
PC: It's like being a walking house that eats lettuce.
Milligan: The moon... Yes, yes, the moon! (starting to laugh) I have to catch the moon! I must hold her, I must hold her in my arms... I must tell her how much I adore her glow, her glow! Out of my way! The moon!
- There's another great moment of Video Game Cruelty Potential that is also just damn HILARIOUS. When Heather the Ghoul brings home a guy, you can cause him to go to the police and shout "I have a gun, piggies!" It causes a loss of humanity but it's tempting given the guy threatened your sweet but bugnuts servant.
- You can also deal with Milligan (the TV host in Pisha's lair) by making him fall in love with the moon!
Velvet: There is only one part of me I don't want anyone inside. My mind.
- How do you get past Officer Chunk? Make him realize that his life is a joke. You can also make him think you're a key-chain, or get him to go to The Asylum and dance the night away. It's less mean, and a lot funnier.
- The Malkavian ability to know secrets no one else should know allows you to screw with people in some truly hilarious ways. Ming Xiao is a perfect example as she waxes on and on about how Cainites are inferior. However, you can call her on her Fantastic Racism by mentioning the Yama Kings, the demonic Hell gods that are always threatening to eat Kuei-jin souls.
- Not to mention when you instinctively know Velvet Velour's real name.
Heather: I went fishing today... and I caught a big one. Can you hear him flopping around the bathroom? That's how you can tell he's fresh.
- Just about all of the Malkavian quotes.
- "Do you rage against the machine?"
- "I'm a mighty thesaurus! Rawr!"
- "I will invade this orifice."
- Heather the ghoul is sweet, adorable and eager to please and, if the player character is a Malkavian...absolutely nuts. The part where she went fishing and brought her catch home for you because you might like to dine in is priceless, as is the mild horror of the Malkavian at having a breach of the Masquerade in their bathroom. "You stay. Sit. Be good."
Malkavian: No no no no no... fish travel in schools!
Heather: You don't like fish? I thought it would be nice if you ate home, for a change...
Trip: "The keymaster"?! What have you been smoking? And more importantly, where can I get some?
- Making the Vandal Cleaver go Laughing Mad after having denied you any future blood. After spending several dialogue options just laughing his ass off, he soundly recovers and asks the player what the hell they were talking about, after which the player will be able to buy blood from the guy like nothing ever happened in the first place.
- Before you stab LaCroix with his letter opener: "Give you a massive chest wound? My pleasure!"
- In the same line as the Stop Sign conversation, there's also the scene in which you can talk to the news anchor inside the TV and tell a few jokes with each other.
- When you first meet the bail bondsman Arthur Killpatrick in Santa Monica: "Are you the keymaster?"
- If you then get the info from Killpatrick that Trip sells weapons, the Malkavian will actually still refer to him as the Keymaster when asked who told him about that. Resulting in this reaction from Trip:
- When you have to tell the three Russian mobsters in the Empire Arms Hostel parking lot that Venus won't pay her debt this time, one of the lines consists of using Dementation to convince their leader that he is a hungry bear and his friends are salmon. Doing so results in the leader attacking his own friends, thus sparing you the pain to fight them as they kill each other.
- When you meet Beckett in the museum basement he'll eventually ask for your opinion on why vampires exist. A Malkavian can give the response: "We exist because the jellyfish wills it so. WHY ELSE?" Beckett will react to this simply with a deadpan "Can't say I've heard that one before."
- The fact the Malkavian PC is somehow convinced Boris is the Tzar and Grünfeld Bach the Pope.
- The Malkavian secret ending. "You dancing fool!" indeed. For reference, choosing this option causes Lacroix to turn into a werewolf and start dancing while techno music plays in the background.
- The Malkavian conversation with a stop sign. "No, you stop!"
- Combined with Video Game Cruelty Potential, any vampire character can convince one of the Thin-Bloods that he needs a holy stake and unicorn blood to become human again. You can also send him to his senseless death by telling him he needs to kill Prince LaCroix or the President of the United States. Why? Because they're the head vampire.
- "Hail to the Chief! The President is a bloodsucker!"
- The fact that the PC can run around Los Angeles wielding a severed arm to beat people to death and no one calls them on it.
- In a Doctor Seuss meets Superfly Pimp outfit or Stripperiffic Policewoman's uniform too potentially.
- Throughout the game one can listen to a radio show where a woman takes calls from all sorts of people that tend to be oddballs. One of the more special guests though is Andrei the Tzimisce. After his rants about how the end of the world is coming, the radio host just brushes off his statement and continues with her show.
- A frequent caller on said show is Gomez the Conspiracy Theorist. After spending the game babbling insane over the top theories involving cameras on traffic lights, secret moonbases and the Illuminati, his final call to the show is...a summary of the entire plot of the game.
- A more intellectual bit of humor is the fact that the entire game is one long Spanner in the Works joke. LaCroix sends you on a mission to die almost immediately after you're embraced. You survive because the Sabbat aren't at the warehouse at the time and then go on to pretty much survive every trap laid out for you. By the end, LaCroix's entire empire has unravelled because of your obstinate refusal to die when you're told.
- The way certain people react to a Nosferatu protagonist: Trip the pawnshop owner compliments you on your body-sculpting job, the stranded Blue-Blood can only mumble "Oh my...", Officer Chunk vomits in terror, Fat Larry nearly shits his pants (and gives you an earful for it), Venus provides directions to the Corpse Fluid gig playing at Possession, the clerk at Red Spot tries not to mention your facial deformities and fails, the bartender at the Asylum nightclub thinks you're an actor for a movie, and a few people ask if you've been tortured. You can nonchalantly pass it off as a birth mark, a bad blender accident, or from getting into fights with people who ask about your face.
- And the obnoxious critic? All you have to do to get him to leave in a puking fit is mention that you're a chef at the restaurant he's reviewing. Or, if you're in a really sadistic mood, ask him to check if the boil on your shoulder is still leaking.
- The hostess at the Red Dragon can only stare at you in horror and utter "Oh my god..." for several speech panels until she finally calls for security. In the meantime, your Nosferatu character is trying to get information out of her and acting as if he or she doesn't know why the hostess is so horrified.
- The cultist girl inside the Brotherhood of the Ninth Circle building will mistake you for Brother Kanker, one of the higher-ranking members of the cult. Quite apart from the girl's stammering awe and terror, what makes this even more hilarious is the fact that you killed Kanker to find the building in the first place. This also happens before you kill the guy too, when questioning the homeless people on the streets; because you have no way of disguising yourself with Obfuscate in the game, you're forced to scare the shit out of them. And yes, this results in your last informant, Tin Can Bill, having a heart attack while under the impression that Kanker has come back to eat him.
- If you go to the Surfside Diner to try and find a lead on Lily, you can talk to the old lady at the counter. "Yeah, yeah, what'll it be... LORD! OH, SWEET JESUS!" You will only get out three words before she literally dies of shock. For a Nosferatu, looks CAN kill.
- Boris's bodyguard mistakes you for Baba Yaga of all people and immediately starts shooting at you. Made even funnier if you know the lore of the source material and realize Baba Yaga IS a Nosferatu, a rather low generation one at that. Backhanded compliment much?
- In the old Soviet fairytale-based films, Baba Yaga indeed looks the part◊.
- The retired hitman Ji Wen Ja offhandedly addresses you as "Hey, Ugly!" and goes into full Grumpy Old Man mode if you try to intimidate him for it:
"What you do, break my other hip? Oh look! Is Mistah Senior Citizen Boxing Champ!"
- The sight of you throws off the ex-military herbalist's No Indoor Voice delivery completely.
"WELCOME TO TSENG'S HERBAL REMEDIES! I AM TSENG! HOW MAY I— Ughhhhh. Um... Tseng is not licensed to medical advice... but I don't think herbs will help your... uh... condition..."
- Chunk. Female PC. Clueless admirer. "Security teddy bear", anyone? Half the comedy comes from the knowledge that if she could, your character would reach through the monitor and kill you for what you're putting her through.
- Alistair Grout's musings on the superstition of the Camarilla.
"...their linguistic flourishes belie a faith in superstition over the providence of empirical reason that must be an all-pervasive theme in this society of darkest night...damn it all, now I'm doing it too."
"The one called John went so far as to gnaw off his arm and escape into the floorboards like some feral rodent. I still hear him scurrying about at night; he must be making an atrocious mess..."
- Grout also complains about his Ghoul test subjects, most of whom are incredibly uncooperative due to being exposed to debilitating Malkavian blood and/or the finest in pre-freudian psychology techniques:
- Many of the radio ads count, but the Insane Troll Logic heavy political ads really take the cake:
Announcer: [sinister music] Last year, Democratic Candidate Micheal Rebbins has purchased a Sports Utility Vehicle. Three months later there have been two separate incidences of hit-and-runs by unidentified SUVs in his area. Is Democratic Candidate Micheal Rebbins to blame? Can you afford that chance? Can your children? [upbeat music] Vote Republican Senator Robert Thorne, a candidate who has never committed vehicular homicide!
Announcer: [sinister music] Democratic Candidate Micheal Rebbins has never publicly stated his opinion on child pornography. Is it because he's hiding something? Would you want a child pornographer voting on this nation's laws? Would you trust your children's future to someone like that? [upbeat music] Vote Republican Senator Robert Thorne, who is committed to locking up child pornographers!
Announcer: [sinister music] Democratic Candidate Micheal Rebbins recently sued Senator Robert Thorne for accusing Rebbins of being a murderous child pornographer. But Rebbins had previously said he was against clogging up courts with frivolous lawsuits. Wouldn't this make him a hypocrite? Would you want a hypocrite as your next Congressman? Would you want your children to become hypocrites? [upbeat music] Vote for Republican Senator Robert Thorne! A candidate not accused of being a murderous child pornographer!
- One of the more interesting weapons to use for a stealth kill in the game is the baseball bat - when your character uses it, the sound effect that plays afterwards is a crowd cheering.
- You also get crowd cheers if you manage to pitch a severed head into a basketball hoop.
- Not sure if you only get this if you're a Malkavian, but-
Hostess: Hey, Andrea! Uh-huh? What? The Dark Father returns? No, he's not! No, he's not! No, he is not! Hold on, Andrea, I've got another call. Hey, Serena, did you hear about-? Yeah, he is! Yes, he is! Yes, he totally is! I know! I was just on the phone with Andrea, and I was all "No, he's not!" Yes, he is!
- You do only get this if you're a Malkavian. If you're not a Malkavian, the hostess still talks to Andrea about "no he's not yes he is", but she doesn't mention the part about the Dark Father.
- Persuading Vandal to sell you blood by telling him a story of violence and death from your Multiple-Choice Past, and his reaction:
That's some vile, depraved maniacal shit. You are sick, mother! Yeah, I'll sell you some blood.
- The drug dealer's introduction:
Uh-huh, yeah, you look real good at me. Before we do business, before anything changes hands, I want you to hear this: if you try to cross me, I will fuck you. If you tell the cops about me, I will find you, then I will fuck you. And if you are a cop... I will fuck you and your whole family, includin' that squirrel in your front yard!
- Fat Larry's introduction:
Playa, what's the score, how they hangin', good evening and all that commotion! Welcome to Fat Larry's Truck of Mack, the only store for all your needs after ten o'clock: I am the proprietor and salesman of the months several years in a row, the ladies call me "Oh God!" but you can call me Fat Larry with an F-A-T, cuz I know I got a weight problem an' I just don't give a fuck!
Fine, no feast of Ben Franklins for the fatman tonight.
- If the player character is female, however, Fat Larry's introduction has a slight variation: instead of saying "cuz I know I got a weight problem an' I just don't give a fuck!", he says "cuz there's mo' of me to love!"
- His immediate response to a Malkavian is to insist he doesn't sell "that stuff" anymore. The Malkavian reply:
- If you initially refuse to cooperate in the Fu Syndicate while playing as a Malkavian, the voices actually say "You're in for it now..."
- Also, when Ming Xiao offers you tea, the voices say "Try the free arsenic..."
- Said by the player character right after helping a Japanese demon-hunter dressed like a schoolgirl to slay a Japanese Shark Man:
Wow... bet you're glad that thing didn't have tentacles, huh?
- The museum mission briefing adds this little gem if you're playing a low-Humanity character:
LaCroix: (...) And no killing.
Player Character: What, none?
- One of the 'sins' you can confess to Venus is 'voted Republican'. She sarcastically notes that she's not sure what she can do to wash away that sin.
- Just about anytime Beckett speaks. It is amazing how he manages to make every line sound sarcastic, even when he clearly didn't mean to.
PC:(About Johansen's whereabouts) And you worked all that out by sniffing around?
- And there are many intentionally sarcastic remarks that're truly funny:
Beckett: Actually, there were two hunters on the roof of the building opposite the hotel who were positively delighted to tell me everything they knew - provided I stop dangling them headfirst over the side.
Beckett: ...And I suspect most Kindred in this city would love to sink their stakes or teeth into its imagined occupant. If indeed rocketing it to the moon was out of the question.
- (About what's in the Sarcophagus)
PC: What do you think's inside?Beckett: Put your ear to it - I'll shake it and you tell me what you think's inside.
- Directly asking him what he thinks is in there:
- Sneaking into the Santa Monica warehouse lets you listen in on this little conversation:
First Guy: I'm hungry, let's order a pizza.
Second Guy: Order a pizza, ORDER A PIZZA? Where they gonna deliver it, numbnuts? Thirteen abandoned warehouse full of kill on sight hot heads way?
- The anarch and independent endings, provided you kept your Humanity up. Karmic retribution on LaCroix? Good. Karmic retribution that gives him just enough time to watch his aspirations turn to ash before blowing him sky-high without you having to lift a finger? Better. Karmic retribution that you realize has been set up before the plot started, has spent the plot getting to its rightful recipient, and comes complete with a send-off note with a smily face on it that makes LaCroix crow like a madman? Hilarious.
- Playing a low-Humanity vamp during the plaguebearers quest in downtown LA. A high-Humanity PC will react with shock and disgust at seeing how brutally the Brotherhood of the Ninth Circle treats humans. But drop your Humanity below 5 - and the PC actually tries to repeatedly join the Brotherhood. It's made even funnier when you fight your way to Bishop Vick, and the PC asks "So are you the guy I need to talk to if I want to join up?"
- One of the callers on the Deb of Night radio show is a wannabe screenwriter (who has never actually written anything) who pitches his idea for a screenplay about an FBI agent trying to track down a serial killer, only to discover that he is the killer. Cliché Storm doesn't even begin to describe it.
- A male Toreador can resolve the Samantha situation by pointing out that you look almost identical to a fourth of the NPCs in Hollywood.
- One of the Malkavian's lines in the same conversation mentions "feeling generic".
- The blue-screen message on the computer controlling access to the Warrens.
A fatal error occurred, you should be panicking. 09.31.2004.Your system will now explode. It is now safe to go to your happy place.* Press the any key to help others learn how to read.* Press CTRL + CTRL + CTRL to donate money to me, you know the computers will soon take over, why fight it?Press the any key to continue.
- For added Fan Bonus, 09.31.2004 is the date when the "Old World of Darkness"-setting canonically ended in its original run.
- If you sneak around the Elizabeth Dane and eavesdrop on the cops, you'll hear some of them talking about the symbols written in blood around the sarcophagus. They will go over various possibilities - occultism, gang symbols, pirate signs - until one of them provides a completely mundane, but hilarious explanation. Oh, Jack, you're such a troll.
Cop#1: It's a bunny.Cop#2: A what?Cop#1: A bunny.
- If you say to a Japanese Hunter that you aren't a demon she tells you to go to a hospital because your heart has stopped beating.
- The stealth kill for the fire axe and the sledgehammer is giving a powerful sideways swing straight to your target's head. Even though it sends them flying through the air, trailing blood as they go, it's still silent.
- One of the sidequests for Gary involves him asking you for specific items (a video tape of one of his old movies, a Nosferatu picture owned by Haunted LA...) and exchanging them for naughty posters of various female characters in the game to decorate your haven with. The first and second ones are posters of Jeanette and Velvet, and the third one is... Ming Xiao.
Gary: I got a picture of this Kuei-Jin through security camera. It would have been wrong to turn it into a dirty poster using photoshop. So I did it.
- A later poster he promised is described as representing a lovely woman "you won't look in the eyes". When you actually get said poster, it turns out to represent a woman who is literally eyeless.
- If you choose the right dialogue options, you can get this exchange with Venus when she sends you to kill Boris:
PC: What's the catch?Venus: Boris is high-ranked in the Russian Mafia. Is that a problem?PC: I didn't think it would be that easy.
- Jack's political 'discussions' and his viewpoints on most things are usually hilariously crude and/or to the point. Especially the one given to the Society of Leopold:
Jack: Ah yes, holy vampire hunters. "STAKIN' FER JESUS!"
- Even better is his opinion of the Sabbat, which he compares to fake zombie tits: fun to watch, but serves no real purpose.
- If you manage to hack the mails on Milligan's computer, you can find two mails. One of them is from an angry viewer who rightfully calls out Haunted LA for being a hoax... except the one example he lists (their episode stating there is a werewolf in Griffith Park) turns out to actually be true later on in the game.
- It gets even better - if you check the 'future shows' folder, you can learn that their next show after the old hospital was going to be the same graveyard in Hollywood that you end up going to on behalf of Isaac. You know, the one where there is a small-scale Zombie Apocalypse...
- Asking Rosa (the thin-blooded Malkavian) if she knows who stole your bike in fifth grade causes her to remind you that she sees the future, not the past.
- If you ask her if you'll win in the end she tells you it doesn't matter if you beat the game, just if you bought it.
Funny / Vampire: The Masquerade – Bloodlines
For such a serious game, Vampire: The Masquerade – Bloodlines has a lot of hilarious moments.