Funny: VEEP

Season One

  • Amy's opinion on Dan:
    Selina: Okay. What do you think of Dan?
    Amy: Oh, Dan is a shit.
    Selina: You want to expand on that?
    Amy: Sure. He's a massive and total shit. When you first meet him, you think surely to God this man can't be as big a shit as he seems, but he is.
    Selina: See, I -
    Amy: 'Cause like if there were a book with covers made of shit, you'd think "That's intriguing. I wonder what's in this book that they saw fit to give it covers made of pure shit." And then you open it and... shit.
  • After learning that the President was removing his support for Clean Jobs:
    Dan: I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence.
    Selina: That's like trying to use a croissant as a fuckin' dildo.
    Dan: I thought...
    Selina: No no no, let me be more clear. It doesn't do the job, and it makes a fucking MESS!

Season Two

  • Congressman Furlong has been in DC for a while and wants to make an appointment with Selina.
    Selina: I'd rather set fire to my vulva, so that's a no.
    • Later, when Congressman Furlong shows up at the Veep's office.
      Sue: Hello, what do you want, you can't have it, goodbye.
  • Selina's small talk with the newly-elected senators at their swearing-in ceremony. To be fair, she was distracted by the hostage rescue.
    Selina: So you had a good New Year's?
    Senator: Yes, we were skiing in Vermont.
    Selina: Well, that's how the cookie crumbles.
The Vic Allen Dinner
  • Selina confronts Jonah in her West Wing office
    Jonah: I came to tell you that you're a meme, Ma'am.
    Selina: I'm a "Meme Ma'am?" What are you talking about? Speak English, boy!
    Selina: How do we stop this Meme Ma'am shit?
    Jonah: No, it's just a meme, Ma'am. Not a "Meme Ma'am."
    • Later:
      Selina: I cannot believe... that you put [the Kent Davison song] out on Tumble.
      Jonah: It's Tumblr.
  • Dan asks about the annoying British reporter
    Amy: You do not want one of those on your back; they will sell nude pics of their grandma for a glass of hot beer.
  • Selina sneak some cigarettes in her hotel room, while Gary watches accusingly
    Selina: Don't give me that Quaker-in-a-titty-bar look. Don't!
  • Ben bursts into Kent's Dream Metric office and berates the latter about the President not informing the congressional intel committees about the spy operative.
    Ben: Now this isn't a choice, like my diet - it's a necessity, like my drinking!
  • Danny Chung is on CNN lamenting the government shutdown.
    Selina: Now that's the problem with high definition. You don't want to see a dick in high def.
  • After her argument with the Speaker of the House, Selina finds Amy and Ben to inform them that POTUS is blaming her for the government shutdown.
    Ben: Madam Vice President, greatest respect, but it has always been the job of the Vice President to, you know, take it in the ass for the President-
    Selina: Well, this ass is closed for business. This ass is in clench-down mode. Let the President take in the ass sometime, he might like it.
First Response
  • Selina and journalist Janet Ryland's respective teams are scoping each other out before the interview, namely each other's wardrobe
    Cody Marshall: [Selina's] wearing this bluish dress, like she's vomited flowers all over herself.
  • Mike reassuring Selina about Danny Chung potentially running for President:
    The way POTUS is going, heíll probably stumble into a war sooner or later. Chung will re-enlist and hopefully get himself killed
  • Selina literally walking into a glass door.
    Dan: That woman has become a living metaphor of her own career.
    • The herbal painkillers that Gary gives her mixes with her anti-depressants, causing her to get really high. She ends up laughing semi-hysterically with Gary, inviting herself to his parents' 40th marriage anniversary, offering to buy Mike's boat, and laughing hysterically while urinating standing up.
    • Mike frantically running up and down the stairs (instead of taking the elevator) to not alert the press.
    • When Jonah finds out:
      Mike: You just broke his brain Amy.
      Dan: Jesus look at his stupid gaping mouth. Let's put stuff in it.
  • Jonah's new nickname from the VP's office:
    Jonah: The VPís office can be very insubordinate. They insubordinate all the time. Do you know that they call me Jonad? That is tantamount to calling the president Jonad.
    Ben: No, itís not.
  • The fun run:
    • Amy, Mike, and Dan tell Gary to convince Selina to run slower so she won't beat a disabled veteran.
      Gary: You gotta slow down.
      Selina': Why?
      Gary: It looks bad.
      Selina':Oh, God, what? My face.
      Gary: No, your face looks fine. You're beating a disabled guy.
      Selina':Oh, come on. Don't be so hard on yourself, Gary.
      Gary: I can't stop her, she's unstoppable.
    • Jonah shows up to tell Selina to support the president.
      Jonah: (To Mike) Yeah, what's up you fucking Lorax.
      Jonah: Oh God, this zipper is like a cheese grater on my dick
      Mike: HAHA. LORAX
    • The race also involves someone dressed as a banana.
      Dan: Ma'am, I need you to speed up or slow down. We can't have you in a photo finish with a banana.
  • Selina telling Jonah to fuck off in various ways:
    Selina: Jonah, don't talk, don't stay. You need to fuck off and go back to Westworld.
    Jonah: But, ma'am...
    Selina: You need to fuck off.
    Jonah: But, ma'am.
    Selina: I said fuck off. Three fucks, you're out.
    • Later:
      Selina: Excuse me, Ben. Gonna go see the president.
      Ben: Uh, no. No, you're not. He's canceled. And you're gonna meet with me instead.
      Jonah: Ma'am, that is what I was going to tell you earlier today, until you told me to-
      Selina: Fuck off.
      Jonah: Are you finishing my sentence or are you telling me that again?
      Selina: Both.
    • And finally:
      Selina: Jonah. Hey, listen, settle something for me.
      Jonah: Okay.
      Selina: You like to have sex and you like to travel?
      Jonah: Yes, ma'am.
      Selina: Then you can fuck off.
  • Dan's response when he is asked whether Selina plagiarized a speech:
    Dan: Was your mom plagiarizing the Bible last night when she said 'oh God oh God'?
  • The opening scene speculates on the impeachment of POTUS over the spy scandal. Selina's response?
    Selina: Ugh, I hate impeachments. They're so 90s.
  • This gem:
    Secret Service Agent: Ma'am, the President has left the building.
    Selina: Who gives a flying fuck?

Season Three

Some New Beginnings
  • Selina at the book signing, interacting with potential caucus-goers.
    Normal #1: Is that a Star Wars reference, A New Beginning?
    Selina: No, this is actually "Some New Beginnings: Our Next American Journey".
    Normal #1: Too late to change it?
    Selina: It is, yeah.

    Selina: I call it Some New Beginnings because it's plural.

    Selina: Hi! What is... is that butter?
    Normal #5: In the shape of the great state of Iowa.
    Selina: (flustered) Ahh...
    Richard: If it melted, it would become Texas.
    Selina: (still flustered) This is an absolutely (pause) stunning butter st- sculpture.
Alicia Clovis
  • Selina visits the Google-like and Facebook-like titular tech company, and is shown their graffiti wall.
    Mike: (Selina makes to sign the wall) No, Ma'am, that's Ron Jeremy.
    Selina: I know, he'a a great actor. He was Scar in The Lion King!
    Mike: No, Ma'am, that was Jeremy Irons. Ron Jeremy is a porn legend.
    Selina: Oh. (Makes for another blank spot)
    Mike: Uh-uh, that's Lance Armstrong.
    Melissa: We're having that chemically expunged.
  • Later, we see that there are not one, but two parody sites of Selina's campaign website. and
    Craig: If it's any consolation, a porn parody is a sure sign that you've made it.
  • Selina learns that Craig is a billionaire and is only 26.
    Selina: That's wrong. It's too young. No, you shouldn't make your first million until you're in your thirties. That's what Andrew and I did and it kept us completely grounded.
  • Andrew and Catherine discover that Selina's been fooling around with Ray, her personal trainer, just now in her hotel room
    Catherine: Mom, not the help! Jesus, that's tacky!
Special Relationship
  • Jonah reading Dan's chart after Dan had a nervous breakdown, ended up in a hospital and got fired as campaign manager:
    Jonah: Dan Egan. 67, female. Unemployed campaign manager, thirty different types of semen pumped from stomach, inverted nipples, abnormally high douche readings - that makes sense -, cancer of the soul, traces of dog excrement found around the corners of mouth, chronic cretinism, leprosy, anal bleeding, uh... tiny child balls?"
  • Selina in a pub... "Daniwah!"
    Amy: They're laughing at her like a toddler they taught to swear!
  • Jonah is waiting for a British reporter in a garage all by himself ŗ la All The Presidents Men. His interactions with the officer is hilarious.
  • This gem of a quote when Selina decides to "get the merry old fuck out of merry old England."
    Selina: I need to be driven to the airport at Diana speed. But more carefully, please.
  • Gary is building up the anticipation for the reveal of Selina's Important Haircut
    Gary: She's coming! She's coming!
    Mike: I think Gary's about to come!
    Selina: No, no, that's too much buildup!
  • After getting the news that the President is resigning, making Selina his successor for the next few months, Selina and Gary pretty much go Laughing Mad, while also having to deal with Gary getting a nosebleed.
  • Mike during Selina's interview with the pretentious New Hampshire journalist.
    Mike: (whispering) Siri, why does God allow suffering?
New Hampshire
  • Gary has kept an important gift, a pair of shoes, for Selina on the occasion that she should give her first inaugural speech as president. Selina can barely contain her non-excitement.
    Gary: The perfect shoe for the perfect moment in the perfect life of the perfect woman.
    Ben: This is like Kathy Bates in Misery.
    • The shoes make a squeaking noise with every step Selina takes. After she returns from the speech.
      Selina: Take these fucking shoes and shoot 'em in the fucking head!
    • "The President squeaks to the nation"

Season Four

Joint Session
  • Selina's teleprompter debacle during the Joint Session. :/
    Selina: There are literally no words.
    • From Bad to Worse. The speech that shows up on her teleprompter adds a ten billion dollar investment in obsolete submarines rather than cuts the funding.
    Selina: Whole cities of children were going to be saved from poverty. Instead now, that money is going to fund. Obsolete. Metal. Giant. Dildos.
East Wing
  • Kent volunteers to tell Catherine that the public generally find her unlikeable. Unfortunately, he does so without any tact.
    Kent: Catherine, I asked you in because...Catherine, America doesn't like you.
    Catherine: What?
    Kent: That sounded way too harsh when boiled down to a headline thought.
    Catherine: Let me see that.
    Kent: It's not that you are unlikable, it's that there is a perception that you're unlikeable.
    Catherine: They hate me.
    Kent: I wouldn't say hate. You just polarise opinion with the bulk of it gravitating to this pole here. (Touches her shoulder to comfort her) Uh oh, my. You have sharp shoulders.
    Catherine: This is like high school all over again.
    Kent: Yeah, sure, kind of, but much bigger.
  • Gary unfortunately overspends on the state dinner.
    Selina: How much has he spent?
    Ben: Well, imagine Elton John on a day he feels fat.
  • Selina finds out that one of her successful campaign visits targeted recently bereaved parents. The parents were targeted by using stolen government data:
    Kent: If we can just hold our nerve and maintain a bunker mentality—
    Selina: Don't give me that bunker shit. Hitler went into a bunker and when he came out he wasn't the chancellor anymore was he? Plus he was dead! And I'll tell you something, if he were alive right now he'd be very anxious to distance himself from me at this moment.
  • Gary and Mike accidentally get left behind in Tehran. They make it to the back-up plane only to learn that it's damaged and it'll take a week to replace the part. They take all of the booze from that plane to go to the Press plane, but drop it all over the airport. They fail to make it on the plane.
  • Jonah gets called by Bill to inquire about what's going on in the VP's office. Jonah mistakes this as Bill knowing about Teddy molesting him. Unfortunately, Jonah's on speaker phone, which leads to Kent, Sue, and Catherine hearing in as well.
  • Amy's reaction when Sue tells her that, in order to placate VP Doyle, Bill told him about the use of the data concerning the bereaved parents.
    Amy: God that is some elaborate self-sabotage right there. That is Cirque du Soleil suicide bombing. Go back in time and stop that from happening.
  • VP Doyle tells Selina that he's stepping off the ticket, but that he's resigning out of principle whereas Selina and Ben require that he resign for health reasons. Ben decides to blackmail Doyle with sexual abuse allegations, specifically Teddy molesting Jonah.
    Ben: He's been fondling Jonah's balls like he's trying to find a prize inside.
    • When Doyle confronts Teddy, Teddy's last ditch effort to not get fired is to say this:
      Teddy: Sir, everything I have done — everything — has been to serve you, and that goes double for fondling Jonah.
  • Sue's elated face, which is basically the same as her normal face.
  • Selina's attempts to convince Danny Chung to become her VP:
    Selina: What comes after Veep? President, right. And you never know. Someday, somebody might just (imitates shooting herself).
  • Amy's rant directed at Selina's new adviser Karen, who never says anything specific.
    Have you been sent from the future to destroy me? 'Cause it's working. "I think that each candidate has merits and demerits. And I don't know my left butt cheek from my right butt cheek, but I believe in listening to both butt cheeks and then farting out my asshole mouth." It's not even bullshit. Bullshitting takes talent. You have none. You are just a blah, blah, blah, blah bitch.
    • And then she turns on Selina. "You are the worst thing to happen to this nation since food in buckets! And possibly slavery!"
Storms and Pancakes
  • Jonah, going to what he thinks is a job interview, is asked to join a group of women in a lawsuit against Teddy, for sexual harassment. He uncomfortably realizes that they are not only as tall as him, but look like him...
    • Later, when he lashes out at another tall woman (who has nothing to do with the lawsuit), his aide Richard replies:
    Richard: I'm sorry, Ma'am. A number of tall women were molested, and Mr. Ryan was one of them.
Mommy Meyer
  • Selina and her team commenting on her debate:
    Selina: Oh, God, you know what I should've brought up? That rumor about O'Brien's daughter blowing all those hockey players in college.
    Kent: Ooh, that would've been a mistake.
    Tom: Huge mistake. It was the lacrosse players.
  • Dan and Amy lobbying: they get a number of pretty, well-educated women to talk to (much older) Congressmen:
    Dan: Ladies, you are going to be our sale bait.
    Lobbyist: By sale bait, you mean?
    Amy: Independent, well-educated young women like you who also happen to be very hot to lure congressmen into the room in a way that is deeply feminist.
    Dan: The key is to jump in before it becomes an actual assault.
    Amy: I'm afraid we missed the window.
  • Mike tells Tom that the Meyer administration used the health records of dead children to target and appeal to voters who were recently bereaved parents.
    Jonah: It's not really as bad as it sounds. You know, those kids have been dead for a while.
  • Dan starts panicking after Congressman Moyes realises that the data being passed to him by Dan and Amy to vote against the Families First Bill is the same data that Jonah and Richard passed to him to vote for the bill.
    Dan: What if he checks our cover story? Like, what if he informs Congress?
    Amy: Dan, he's a congressman. Congressmen never do anything they say they're gonna do.
    Dan: Jesus, you know, I always thought the old Amy was kind of an uptight bitch, but now I sort of miss her.
    Amy: You know, if I was uptight, I'd be offended by that. In fact, I am offended. You shouldn't call people bitches. You shouldn't do that anymore. Unless it's like "biiiiiiiitch" or something like that.
  • Sue informs Selina that Dan and Amy are in the hospital speaking with Congressman Pierce:
    Sue: All right, ma'am, I've just spoken to Amy. Her and Dan are with Pierce and his mom at the hospital. But there's been a holdup.
    Selina: Oh, God. She's probably gonna die just to spite me. That evil bitch.
  • Dan and Amy having a showdown with Jonah in the hospital:
    Dan: You are not taking him.
    Jonah: His jittery ass is mine.
    Pierce: Guys, I'm right here.
    Jonah: I'm sorry, your jittery ass is the president's.
  • Jonah's nicknames read by a member of the congressional committee set up to investigate Selina's administration:
    Ms. Bennett: Do you recall a document shared on the J-drive titled the Jonad Files?
    Dan: Uh, no. No, ma'am.
    Amy: No. That doesn't ring a bell.
    Ms. Bennett: So it's not a word combining Jonah and gonad?
    Dan: Not to my knowledge.
    Jonah: I can confirm that that is exactly what it is and Mr. Egan knows that.
    Mr. Rakes: In fact, Mr. Egan, I was told that you encouraged staffers to add to this glossary of abuse.
    Dan: I do not at this moment in time recall the action nor the document in question.
    Mr. Rakes: Okay, maybe this will jog your memory. We have some extracts. J-Rock, Jizzy Gillespie, Jack and the Giant Jackoff, Gaylien, Tinker Balls, Wadzilla, One Erection...
    Jonah: Do we have to go through all of these?
    Mr. Wallace: I'm not sure that I see the relevance.
    Mr. Rakes: The witnesses claim they held their former colleague in high regard and I am attempting to prove otherwise.
    Mr. Wallace: Okay, yeah, sure. No, you can proceed.
    Mr. Rakes: The Pointless Giant, The 60-Foot Virgin, Gimpanzee, Jonah Ono, Hagrid's Nutsack, Scrotum Pole, Transgenderformers, 12 Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Benedict Come In His Own Hand, Guyscraper, The Cloud Botherer, Supercalifragilisticexpiali Dick Cheese, Teenage Mutant Ninja Asshole, Spewbacca.
  • Tom James' description of Gary:
    Gary Walsh, you need to understand, is a 12-year-old boy trapped in the body of a 12-year-old girl.
  • In Selina's deposition, when she is questioned about Gary's importance in his involvement in the whole affair
    Selina: Gary has a very limited set of skills. Mainly they involve picking objects up and putting them back down.
Election Night
  • After it looks like there's going to be a tie and Tom James can become president by virtue of a loophole (the 20th amendment), Selina's meltdown
    Selina: I'll tell you what's unprecedented, Kent! A tie is unprecedented! So is becoming the first lady president! So is that jackoff becoming president through the back door! Okay? The rule book's been torn up now, and America is wiping its nasty ass with it!