Funny: VEEP

Season One

  • Amy's opinion on Dan:
    Selina: Okay. What do you think of Dan?
    Amy: Oh, Dan is a shit.
    Selina: You want to expand on that?
    Amy: Sure. He's a massive and total shit. When you first meet him, you think surely to God this man can't be as big a shit as he seems, but he is.
    Selina: See, I -
    Amy: 'Cause like if there were a book with covers made of shit, you'd think "That's intriguing. I wonder what's in this book that they saw fit to give it covers made of pure shit." And then you open it and... shit.
  • After learning that the President was removing his support for Clean Jobs:
    Dan: I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence.
    Selina: That's like trying to use a croissant as a fuckin' dildo.
    Dan: I thought...
    Selina: No no no, let me be more clear. It doesn't do the job, and it makes a fucking MESS!

Season Two

  • Selina's small talk with the newly-elected senators at their swearing-in ceremony. To be fair, she was distracted by the hostage rescue.
    Selina: So you had a good New Year's?
    Senator: Yes, we were skiing in Vermont.
    Selina: Well, that's how the cookie crumbles.

  • Danny Chung is on CNN lamenting the government shutdown.
    Selina: Now that's the problem with high definition. You don't want to see a dick in high def.

  • Selina telling Jonah to fuck off in various ways:
    Selina: Jonah, don't talk, don't stay. You need to fuck off and go back to Westworld.
    Jonah: But, ma'am...
    Selina: You need to fuck off.
    Jonah: But, ma'am.
    Selina: I said fuck off. Three fucks, you're out.
    • Later:
      Selina: Excuse me, Ben. Gonna go see the president.
      Ben: Uh, no. No, you're not. He's canceled. And you're gonna meet with me instead.
      Jonah: Ma'am, that is what I was going to tell you earlier today, until you told me to-
      Selina: Fuck off.
      Jonah: Are you finishing my sentence or are you telling me that again?
      Selina: Both.
    • And finally:
      Selina: Jonah. Hey, listen, settle something for me.
      Jonah: Okay.
      Selina: You like to have sex and you like to travel?
      Jonah: Yes, ma'am.
      Selina: Then you can fuck off.
  • Dan's response when he is asked whether Selina plagiarized a speech:
    Dan: Was your mom plagiarizing the Bible last night when she said 'oh God oh God'?
  • The opening scene speculates on the impeachment of POTUS over the spy scandal. Selina's response?
    Selina: Ugh, I hate impeachments. They're so 90s.
  • This gem:
    Secret Service Agent: Ma'am, the President has left the building.
    Selina: Who gives a flying fuck?

Season Three

Some New Beginnings
  • Selina at the book signing, interacting with potential caucus-goers.
    Normal #1: Is that a Star Wars reference, A New Beginning?
    Selina: No, this is actually "Some New Beginnings: Our Next American Journey".
    Normal #1: Too late to change it?
    Selina: It is, yeah.

    Selina: I call it Some New Beginnings because it's plural.

    Selina: Hi! What is... is that butter?
    Normal #5: In the shape of the great state of Iowa.
    Selina: (flustered) Ahh...
    Richard: If it melted, it would become Texas.
    Selina: (still flustered) This is an absolutely (pause) stunning butter st- sculpture.


  • Selina visits the Google-like and Facebook-like titular tech company, and is shown their graffiti wall.
    Mike: (Selina makes to sign the wall) No, Ma'am, that's Ron Jeremy.
    Selina: I know, he'a a great actor. He was Scar in The Lion King!
    Mike: No, Ma'am, that was Jeremy Irons. Ron Jeremy is a porn legend.
    Selina: Oh. (Makes for another blank spot)
    Mike: Uh-uh, that's Lance Armstrong.
    Melissa Connors, CFO of Clovis: We're having that chemically expunged.
  • Later, we see that there are not one, but two parody sites of Selina's campaign website. and
    Craig Juergensen, CEO of Clovis: If it's any consolation, a porn parody is a sure sign that you've made it.
  • Selina learns that Craig is a billionaire and is only 26.
    Selina: That's wrong. It's too young. No, you shouldn't make your first million until you're in your thirties. That's what Andrew and I did and it kept us completely grounded.

  • Andrew and Catherine discover that Selina's been fooling around with Ray, her personal trainer, just now in her hotel room
    Catherine: Mom, not the help! Jesus, that's tacky!

Special Relationship
  • Jonah reading Dan's chart after Dan had a nervous breakdown, ended up in a hospital and got fired as campaign manager:
    Jonah: Dan Egan. 67, female. Unemployed campaign manager, thirty different types of semen pumped from stomach, inverted nipples, abnormally high douche readings - that makes sense -, cancer of the soul, traces of dog excrement found around the corners of mouth, chronic cretinism, leprosy, anal bleeding, uh... tiny child balls?"
  • Selina in a pub... "Daniwah!"
    Amy: They're laughing at her like a toddler they taught to swear!
  • Jonah is waiting for a British reporter in a garage all by himself la All The Presidents Men. His interactions with the officer is hilarious.

  • After getting the news that the President is resigning, making Selina his successor for the next few months, Selina and Gary pretty much go Laughing Mad, while also having to deal with Gary getting a nosebleed.
  • Mike during Selina's interview with the pretentious New Hampshire journalist.
    Mike: (whispering) Siri, why does God allow suffering?

New Hampshire
  • Gary has kept an important gift, a pair of shoes, for Selina on the occasion that she should give her first inaugural speech as president. Selina can barely contain her non-excitement.
    Gary: The perfect shoe for the perfect moment in the perfect life of the perfect woman.
    Ben: This is like Kathy Bates in Misery.
    • The shoes make a squeaking noise with every step Selina takes. After she returns from the speech.
      Selina: Take these fucking shoes and shoot 'em in the fucking head!