- Episode 4, Alan teaching Jake how to use the electric car was very amusing.
Alan: Now, you know, this is the brake and this is the gas.
Charlie: He's got you there, Alan.
Alan: Okay... this is the brake and this the... electric.
- It gets even funnier when Jake actually starts driving the thing.
Alan: Now, just give it a little tap.
Jake: Is it on?
(Jake presses on the pedal and the car suddenly speeds up)
Charlie & Alan: BRAKE! BRAKE! BRAKE!
- Episode 7, Judith accuses Alan of speaking derogatory things to Jake about her.
Judith: Alan, have you been badmouthing me?
Alan: B-B-Badmouthing you? To whom?
Judith: To Jake.
Alan: Oh, to Jake. No, why?
Judith: His attitude towards me lately is so disrespectful. I have to wonder where he's getting it from.
Alan: Well I can assure you that I always make it a point to speak highly of you in front of our son.
Judith: What about your brother?
Alan: Oh, with Charlie I'm completely honest.
Judith: That's not what I meant.
Alan: I know. Smug grin
Charlie walks into the scene, holding a bottle of beer.
Charlie: Hey Judith.
Judith: Charlie, have you said derogatory things about me to Jake?
Charlie: No why, did you want me to?
Judith: I don't why he's acting this way, avoiding me, ignoring me, acting like I'm the enemy.
Charlie: But you get why I'm doing it, right?
- Episode 13: Judith stays at Charlie's due to an earthquake in LA that hit her house hard. Alan ends up staying there briefly due to jealousy and then Charlie and Alan make a plan to get her out by making Judith jealous. When Judith meets Alan's date, Charlie plays certain notes on the piano in response to what's said. When Judith leaves, he plays Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye's chorus.
- Made even better when the voices that usually chorus "mennnn" during the scene changes say "squab" instead.
- Episode 14: Alan pretends to not be home when Judith arrives, followed by Charlie's answering Judith's questions with commentary from the Animal Planet. When Judith leaves after bitching about Evelyn, Charlie says "I'll tell Alan you stopped by." just to piss her off a bit more.
- Alan is trying to get Jake to study for his history test, Charlie walks in drunk and ends up unintentionally helping Jake study for it by making it a pop quiz.
- Not to mention Charlie asking Alan to drive him to the local 7 Eleven so he can get some snowballs and an eskimo pie.
- Season 2 finale, after Judith's done her typical threat of legal consequences because of Jake's behavior for giving her a $25 chip from Caesar's Palace that he won from Charlie, Charlie and Alan mock Judith in high pitched tones that just sells the scene.
- The entire opening scene in "Don't Worry, Speed Racer," but especially:
Alan: Look, Jake, it, it, it— it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex.
Berta and Charlie: Yeah, look at your dad!
Charlie: Really, how much more damage could we have caused?
- Charlie offers to take Alan out for dinner and Alan protests about not getting a choice in where they go like Charlie's dates and Charlie decides to troll him by acting like Alan's his date and making lots of innuendo to make Alan shut up.
- Alan at least tries to pretend to be happy for Judith when he learns that she is getting remarried. As soon as Judith leaves, though...
Charlie: Five, six, seven, eight...
No more a-li-mo-ny! No more a-li-mo-ny! No more a-li-mo-ny!
- Episode 15, Rose is helping Jake study, he needs to learn three contributions to society that the Romans made, Berta asks Charlie the same question.
Charlie: Orgies, wine and bulimia. Go ahead, ask me about the greeks.
- In an episode when Alan and Charlie go out clubbing and Alan is whining about the noise:
Charlie: Will you listen to yourself?!
Alan: I CAN'T listen to myself. All I hear is aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! *walks to the piano* C-Sharp! C-Sharp is the sound of approaching deafness!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!
- Charlie's passed out at the table and Jake sees him there, when Berta walks in, she makes the following comment.
Berta: You really shouldn't see him like this, Jake. *whips out a towel and places it over Charlie's face* There! Now you can enjoy your breakfast.
- Why Charlie wants to go to Evelyn's funeral.
Alan: You'll be going to Mom's funeral, won't you?
Charlie: Of course! As the eldest son it's my obligation to pound in the stake.
Alan: Typical. Nothing for Alan to do.
Charlie: OK, you can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers.
- From the episode "I Merely Slept With A Commie", Charlie's Brutal Honesty and Alan's completely deadpan reaction to how they're supposed to convince Evelyn to change her ways so people will actually want to come to her funeral.
Charlie: What are we gonna say, Alan? "Hey Mom, you're a crazy she-bat and the only way people will mourn at your funeral is if your delighted sons turn it into a three day beer-bash with go-go dancers"?! [Beat]
Alan: Well we wouldn't start there.
Alan: There are alternatives to running away from her!
Charlie: Yeah, but we'd get caught and you'd sell me out for a reduced sentence!
- Myra explaining why Judith doesn't like her.
Myra: [About why Judith doesn't like her] Maybe it's my hair, maybe it's my job, maybe it's my hobbies or maybe it's because I offered my brother a thousand dollars not to marry her.
Charlie: I know what you mean. I did the same to my brother.
Charlie: Well, actually it was a thousand dollar hooker.
- Mixed with a Crowning Moment of Awesome, Alan's phone cojones.
Alan [to Judith on the phone]: I'll tell him [Charlie] to keep his hands off Myra. And then, I'll tell the rain not to fall, the earth not to spin, and you to STOP NAGGING ME! [hangs up] Oh, boy, I'm gonna pay for that.
Berta: You know what your problem is? Phone cojones.
Alan: Excuse me?
Berta: When you're on the phone with her, you got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll.
- Charlie whilst he's drunk at the start of S04 E22, mostly the inability to unlock the front door.
Charlie: Oh hey Alan, come on in!
Alan: Why don't you come in?
Charlie: I can't...I lost my key.
- Charlie's blackout chilli.
- Alan trying to get Charlie to help Jake with his book report.
Charlie: Relax, I'll take Jake to the DMV to get his license.
Charlie: *Holding up a can of beans* Beaaans!
- Charlie's balls are on fire due to some stuff he used to get the grey out of his pubic hair.
Indian doctor: We have a saying in my country. "You can put a tuxedo on a goat, but still a goat. "
Charlie: Yeah, well, we have a saying in my country, too: "Help me, my balls are on fire!"
- Jake sneaks out to go to a concert and sneaks back in with a drugged up Charlie. They get caught by Alan.
Alan: [to Jake] Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?
Charlie: I do not. Do you have any idea how beautiful you look in that light?
Alan: I'm not talking to you.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I'm not talking to you either, except for right now, this is me talking to you, but, no longer. [makes pop sound]
Alan: Would you please just... go to sleep?
Charlie: Okey-dokey. [grabs pillow and goes out of view]
Alan [to Jake]: You and I have some talking to do.
Charlie: Will you make up your freaking mind?
- Charlie has to give a concert as Charlie Waffles, he finds the solution to his stage fright.
Charlie: Hey, Alan, I figured out what went wrong in seventh grade!
Charlie: I hadn't started drinking yet! [walks in drunk]
Alan: Charlie, you have to get out there.
Charlie: Right, the little bastards await.
- Alan summarizing the majority of the series when Charlie sleeps with someone that's connected to someone important in his life.
Charlie: How could you take the fall for me?
Alan: I don't know, but it always seem works out that when you get laid, I get screwed!
- Charlie and Herb's discussions about bushes, planting seeds in soil and making sure the soil is moist
- Charlie's cooking in episode 3, particularly the cinnamon buns tube.
Charlie: I christen thee H.M.S Kitchen Table, godspeed.
Charlie hits the tube on the kitchen table three times and it doesn't open.
Charlie: I think we have a bad bun tube.
Alan: Here, give me that.
Alan hits it on a kitchen bench and opens it
Alan: Just gotta know how to wack it.
Charlie: I bow to your superior expertise.
- Charlie tries to help out Miss Pasternak get back on her feet after what happened the last time they met. It ends the exact same way.
- It's horrible on Charlie and Alan's part, but their threatening Jake with military school is just hilarious. (He's not going to military school.)
- Episode 8, Charlie catches Jake licking his piano after getting grounded for mooning some girls.
Charlie: What are you doing?
Jake: Playing 'Smoke on the Water'
Charlie: With your tongue?
Jake: Pretty cool, huh?
Charlie: That's not cool, it's disgusting. Alan, get in here! [Alan comes in] Your kid's licking my piano!
Alan: Jake, don't lick your uncle's piano.
Jake: But I'm bored.
Alan: Go read a book.
Jake: I don't wanna read a book.
Charlie: Then go lick a book! [Jake leaves] How long is this whole grounding thing gonna go on for?
Alan: Two weeks.
Charlie: Two weeks?
Alan: Charlie, he stuck his ass out a bus window at the girls' track team.
Charlie: That's what you're grounding him for? When you were his age, you mooned the girls' choir.
Alan: No, uh, when I was his age, you pantsed me in front of the girls' choir.
Charlie: Oh, right. Well, either way, you made the yearbook.
- Charlie, Alan, Herb and Jerome's discussions about when they first started dating, first time they had oral sex and when Gordon the Pizza Guy shows up, the names that their penises are called.
- Herb high on pain killers at the hospital after he hurt himself when Judith's water broke and then when he sprained/broke his arm. It works thanks to Ryan Stiles' acting.