Below, you will find the whole series. So far. Please enjoy!
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In the fifth episode of the first season, when Jeremy tried to program numbers into the telephone located on the newest (at the time) Mercedes S-Class.
Car: Dial Number Clarkson: No, don't dial that. I don't know who it is, it might be the Queen.
The "Master of the Universe" segment from Episode 8. It was mainly villains (with the exception of the 6th Doctor), and it went alright... up until it was the Dalek's' turn to drive around the test track. Upon examining it and seeing only humanoids could operate it... well, EXTERMINATE. Only a couple had left the area and were spared.
During a Cool Wall segment, Jeremy tries to explain to 2 rather attractive girls in the audience why the rollbar (or, as they put it, scaffolding) renders the car into "Seriously Uncool" territory. The moment one of them tells him that a car like that would get him a 2nd date with her, however? It goesrightinto the "Sub-Zero" category. (Jeremy and Richard can be seen having a bit of a crisis afterwards as well.)
Episode 3: Jeremy forcibly evicts a member of the audience from the studio for calling the Vauxhall VX-220 a bad car.
During the Monaro test in the 6th episode of the 3rd season, Clarkson turns the traction control on. Promptly the car begins to insult him in Australian slang, calling him a poofter and saying that England got lucky when they won the rugby world cup.
When Richard Hammond is hypnotized into forgetting how to drive a car, and then thinking a small pedal car is a brand new car he recently bought.
The very first "cheap cars challenge" in Series 4. The final challenge is to crash the car into a brick wall at 30 mph, which leads to two Crowning Moments: first James May appears to have died, and Clarkson casually turns to the camera with a spiel about "if you want a job on Top Gear, write to..."; then, Clarkson's Volvo's speedometer is broken, so he guesses and actually hits the wall at 40 mph...whereupon the Volvo demolishes the wall and, unlike the other two cars, is still going afterwards.
And the challenge finishes with Clarkson dozens of points behind and apparently out of the race...but he wins due to economy, because his Volvo cost ONE POUND!. Which is also a CMOA.
Series 4, Episode 6: Hammond harvests methane from cow manure to run a Rover - which then loses a drag race to a petrol Rover and a "human poo" methane Rover. After which James May gets out a calculator and starts calculating to see if it'll really save money as Richard tries to convince him it was a just a joke.
After Hammond has convinced May that the cow program was a joke, and wouldn't work:
James May: How much are four humans?
From Episode 7, Jeremy finds that the voice recognition software for the phone in the Mercedes C-class is as unco-operative as it was in the S-class in Series 1.
Clarkson: Dial - number. Computer: Dialling. Clarkson [bewildered]: ... I haven't told you what to dial yet! Let's try again. Dial - number. Computer: The number, please. Clarkson: Oh-one-seven-eight-five... Computer: Zero. Seven. Eight. Five. Clarkson: No, you've missed the one. Computer: Pardon? Clarkson: You've missed the one. Computer: The number has been deleted. Clarkson [to camera]: See what I mean? Computer: Two. Zero. Two. Clarkson [utterly confounded]: ... where did that come from?! Computer: Pardon?
Episode 4. Hammond having 'to go' into a 'wee bag' in the backseat of a Smart Forfour in a challenge where May and Hammond had to spend 24 hours in the car without ever getting out.
Episode 6. The cheap Porsche challenge. James' car boot at first didn't open, then had to be taped shut; Clarkson's car broke down about seven times on the way to Brighton, haemorrhaged steam, smoke, water and petrol, and arrived there on the back of a tow lorry...
Also, Clarkson put his "lonely hearts" ad for that part of the challenge in a "men seeking men" column.
Series 6, Episode 4: James May's advertisement for a used BMW, written purely in classified-car-ad abbreviations.
Clarkson: ...The essence of it is that, from now on, small car ads are going to be impossible. We're not going to know what on earth they're written about. May: I've written one, for a BMW. "For sale, BMW 528. 19k, VGC, TNT, FSH, PAS, AAC, OBC, ICE, ABS, EBD, PDC, DTC, DSC, £15,000."note DSC & DTC are two proprietary BMW traction control systems, Dynamic Stability Control and Dynamic Traction Control; PDC is Park Distance Control; EBD is Electronic Brakeforce Distribution; ABS is Antilock Brake System; ICE is In-Car Entertainment; OBC is On-Board Computer; AAC is probably Advanced Audio Coding - .m4a music files, or Auxiliary Air Control valve, a device that controls the engine's idle speed; PAS is probably Progressive Activity Sedan, another BMW proprietary idea; FSH is Full Service History; TNT is Taxed aNd Tested; VGC is Very Good Condition; and 19k is the mileage. BMW 528 is, of course, a model number of a Bayerische Motoren Werke AG (Bavarian Motor Works) 5-series (E39) from 1995-2000 with the 2.8 litre inline-six engine. [general laughter.] Hammond: Nice. May: "ONO." note And ONO is Or Near Offer.
An episode has Hammond, Clarkson and May's mothers testing three cars. Cue the usual sequence of senior citizens knowing nothing about advanced car mechanics ... except when Mrs. May starts discussing her dislike of low-profile tires as they generate more noise when driving. The expression on James' face was priceless.
May: Where did you learn that?
Not to mention the fact that Captain Slow's mum of all people has gotten two speeding tickets.
Then there's James' claim that its her driving style that traumatized him at an early age.
Hammond: ...and so far we've learnt that James's Lamborghini is rubbish, Jeremy's Maserati is slow, and my Ferrari is... Clarkson: Is not a Ferrari. Hammond: It is! Clarkson: It is not a Ferrari — Teeth, be quiet! Hammond:It -- I -- Itisa-- Clarkson: Let's get back to the action!
In the episode where Clarkson in the Bugatti Veyron races May and Hammond in a private plane (piloted by May), when Clarkson refers to his opponents as "Captain Captain Slow and his Hammond hand-luggage".
In Series 7, Episode 3, Clarkson annouced to the audience that Top Gear has won an Emmy Award for Best Non-Scripted Entertainment Show Not Made in America. Then Hammond asks Clarkson why he didn't go along to the ceremony to pick it up in person.
Clarkson: Well, 'cause I was writing the script for this week's show.
In Series 7, Episode 5, Hammond and May reach the end of the race between their Cessna 182 plane and Clarkson's Bugatti Veyron, and enter the restaurant serving as their meeting place. They initially think that they've won... until they find Clarkson tucked in the far back, behind a wall. May's reaction is priceless.
May: YOU UNBEARABLE MAN! I can't stand it!
In Series 7, Ep. 7, the Winter Olympics special, James and Jeremy have a Top Gear Biathalon. During the shooting segments Jeremy opts for a full-auto submachine gun instead of the traditional bolt-action rifle. The first time Jeremy burns through the magazine and hits...no targets. The second time Jeremy does it again and hits...a tree behind the shooting range.
The White Van Challenges are hilarious as a whole, but the climax was when it was Hammond's turn to take his itty bitty van around the track (in typical Top Gear fashion, of course). Hammond was just so full of confidence that cornering fast in a vehicle with a narrow wheelbase and high center of gravity would be no trouble at all. You can, perhaps, see where this is going...
Don't forget Richard's last words - "I reckon I'll give it a bit of the old Scandinavian flick". Immediately followed, of course, by a bit of the old Scandinavian flip as he puts it right on its side.
May races a pair of free runners through Liverpool. He thinks he's won, is giving his victory speech and then he looks up at the clock tower... to see the free-runners have climbed almost to the very top of it.
May: Oh for Pete's sake!
The caravan holiday. Then they accidentally set the caravan on fire. If you don't laugh at their misfortunes, you've clearly been dead for some time.
Clarkson: It's not a pan fire anymore, it's a van fire.
That one segment after the train was heard in the distance.
Series 8 Episode 1, where they introduce the new Reasonably Priced Car by holding a (comically small) garden party for several stars to turn up and record lap times. Only problem is, the first one is James Hewitt and neither Clarkson nor Hammond know who he is - they end up putting him on the board as "Well-Spoken Man".
The whole of the amphibious cars challenge is pure comedy gold, but of note is the point when Jeremy needed to remove a component from the front of his car to make way for a hull. Unfortunately, the car he chose was a Toyota Hilux. Cue Jeremy hitting the front of the car repeatedly with a sledgehammer before trying to cut through the bar. Hilarity, of course, ensued.
Later, while trying to drive across a reservoir, Richard broke the propulsion system on his "Damper Van". Of course, it began to sink, prompting this exchange when Jeremy pulled up alongside:
Clarkson: Hammond! How much? Hammond: For what? Clarkson: A lift. Hammond: I'll give you a million quid, or this bucket! Clarkson: What do we think, viewers?
Then when Hammond climbed aboard the "Toybota" and began bailing the water out of it, we got this:
Hammond: I've come up with a problem. Clarkson: What? [Hammond holds up aforementioned bucket, which has several holes in it] Clarkson:You-! Have- You owe me a million pounds!
May: Is that your car? Clarkson: Yes. May: It's the wrong way up. Clarkson: Don't give me technicalities.
Finally, the kicker: the revelation that the challenge broke Jeremy's Hilux.
In S 8 Ep 1 the boys attempt to make a mini-van/people carrier with a convertible roof. Highlights include:
Richard repeatedly shooting sparks at James while attempting to cut off the roof.
Jeremy trying to sew the canvas roof together and accidentally sewing the sleeve of his jacket to the machine.
James bending the support strut the wrong way.
Attempting to drive their convertible van through a wildlife park. James keeps insisting the monkeys are more dangerous than the lions.
Hammond's return to the show after his life-threatening accident: Awesome. Getting a bearhug from Clarkson on stage: Heartwarming. Negotiating a jetway flanked by showgirls to the tune of "Upside Down": Priceless.
Stolen directly from the quotes page, from Episode 1, after viewing the footage shot of Hammond's successful runs in the Vampire dragster:
Hammond: We weren't trying to set records, I just wanted to go really, really fast. Clarkson: So you did 314 [mph]? Hammond: Yeah. Clarkson: And you wanted to know what it was like to go really fast? Hammond: Yeah. Clarkson: So you'd found out. Why didn't you just get into your car and go home? [Hammond looks sheepish.] Hammond: I don't know really. The thing is, that run that you just saw, that was at 5 o'clock, and we had the runway until 5:30, and... [general laughter.]
The scene in the tractor episode where Richard Hammond is trying to round up a field of sheep.
From the same episode...
Clarkson [chasing James May with a pitchfork] MAY! You're gonna die! I'm gonna feed you into your own machine!
The "Starship Enterplough" crack from Clarkson about Hammond's machine.
The expressions of Richard Hammond and James May during the successful launch of a Reliant Robin they had turned into a Space Shuttle...followed shortly by their expressions when the failure of an explosive bolt led to the creation of a large crater in the English countryside.
May: That's why— Hammond: How are you gonna use it again?!
Everything about the series nine episode where they go to Scotland, play golf (and get thrown off the course), and try to convince some modern art critics why their cars should considered works of art.
James calls Richard's Mazda "chintzy" and looks like a golfer's car, so Richard gets his golf bag and dumps all of his clubs out.
May: Now that's just childish! And doesn't solve the argument!
At the Gallery of Modern Art in Edinburgh:
Clarkson: Richard, you went to art college, you should be good at this! Hammond: If you've ever been to art college, you would know that what you do there is drink and pursue women!
The reason you shouldn't put a motorcycle on the Cool Wall. Chainsaw Good.
Then there was their competition against German motoring show D Motor, set in Belgium. It began with the Top Gear presenters arriving in Spitfires, followed by double-decker car racing, a drag race between cars representing the nations of the Axis and the Allies (in which Clarkson cracks a joke about hoping the Italian Lamborghini switches sides in mid-race), copious amounts of cheating and an apparent last minute switch from James "Captain Slow" May to The Stig for one of the races. Add in a few more references to the Second World War and The Battle of Britainnote the 1969 film as well as the 1940 World War II battle than you'd think would be allowed on The BBC and you have one of the funniest episodes of the series.
"My arm's come off! My arm's come off!"
Jeremy explaining how the Double Decker car challenge worked.
You need eight people to operate the four cars. Each team is allowed to get someone from the film crew to help out, and that's a problem for the Germans, because while they have a cameraman, a sound recorder and a director, he is the same man. So their coverage of the race is going to look like this. [snow] Mind you, it'snot that brilliant for us. Although we have a very large film crew, there was only one volunteer to sit above me, and if I'm honest, it's not the one I would have picked. [Kiff the One Armed Soundman] Still, he is very brave. He once fought a shark. He lost, but anyway.
Crossing the English Channel. More specifically, trying to get out of the harbor into the English Channel.
Hammond: I can just see sky, sea, sky, [gets pitched violently forwards] SEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
During the race across London: Jeremy Clarkson calls the Stig to check on his progress. When it rings, Stig stares at his ringing phone like it's a bomb about to go off. The fact his ringtone is the Coronation Street theme makes it doubly funny. The episode also "reveals" that The Stig sees every vehicle as a car, and is confused by most mundane actions such as reading the paper.
Stig gets another laugh when he figures out how to read the paper, throwing it away in disgust when he stumbles upon an article praising F1 driver Lewis Hamilton.
The Stig takes public transportation, complete with odd looks from fellow passengers.
From the same episode, Hammond riding a bicycle. Most of his shots consist of him cursing and yelling at the other drivers, yet he still manages to win.
And when we see Clarkson pull up to the airport in a boat on the Thames, dock it, rush inside (assuming he's won)...only to find Hammond sitting there waiting for him.
Absolutely everything in the challenge where they had to prove that not everything British Leyland made was crap. "Still, I'd only lost one thing." note Clarkson's door had fallen off.
The Rover SDI's door opens. Well, the outer part does anyway.
One challenge involves filling the interiors of the cars with water and driving until the water level inside the car drops below the steering wheel. Hammond gets part of the way around the track and May passes Hammond and then passes him again. Clarkson? Well, first his car was so leaky that they drained the tanker trucks trying to fill a car that wouldn't fill. Then, after they got so fed up and sent him on his way, Clarkson got a short distance (at the most) down the track before one of his doors fell off and the whole load of water drained out. And it wasn't even the same door he'd lost in an earlier challenge.
David Tennant's lap around the studio track, which basically consisted of him repeatedly feeling for third gear. He left it all over the track.
Immediately after which, however, Clarkson gets Cowell to admit the real reason
Cowell: Yeah, the other reason is you'd be funnier than me!
In the news segment in Episode 6, the conversation leads to the suggestion that all animals be removed from the countryside and put into the cities, followed by a discussion about the price of bull sperm. It really has to be seen to be believed.
The BMW car converted for racing in Silverstone was decorated with the fake sponsors "Larsen's Biscuits" and "Penistone Oils"; when the doors were opened these respectively displayed "Arse Biscuit" and "Penis". On top of this, James May has the LGBT flag next to his name instead of the British flag.
High points included the sirens (James May's ice cream truck, at one point playing the Monty Python's Flying Circus theme); the effects of Clarkson's Boadicea wheels on handling (Hammond: "I'm hearing a lot of noise but not a lot of movement; it's very much like Jeremy, that car"); James May in a hot pursuit situation (Clarkson: "How long have you got until you have to go home tonight?"), and then everyone's car-stopping techniques backfiring spectacularly:
Clarkson [narrating]: Sadly, there was one invention James hadn't considered. [The Stig turns on the wipers to remove May's layer of paint] ... [Hammond's doormat-and-nail construction fails to stop, or for that matter reach, the Stig's BMW] James May: Oh dear, he's gone round it. [cracks up] ... Hammond [watching the Boadiceas in action] I presume at some point there's going to be a simply hideous accident. [Clarkson's wheel comes off] Clarkson: Something's gone wrong with the handling!
The motto on the side of Clarkson's car was "In jail no one can hear you scream."
Clarkson: I have been rescued [Referring to the two women with him] and I haven't even broken down. Hammond: Well then you don't— [Cut into James, who just arrived] May:Hello.
Also, when they take their cars to the track and compete with vastly superior performance cars. Then Richard and James suffer mechanical failure and spend the rest of the track day in the pits. Jeremy tries to pass another car, then discovers he's going into the turn too quickly. Cut back to Richard and James.
[Clarkson and May attempt to push their cars, with no success] Title Card: several days later [Clarkson and May are still pushing, and the cars have just begun to move]
Clarkson spends most of the challenge claiming that his horn is incredibly loud. When May causes a bunch of other drivers to start honking their horns at him, Clarkson finally proves that he wasn't kidding. It gets them kicked out of the parking garage and can be heard from across the city.
Even funnier with the Beach assault. Especially when the Royal Marines beach, to the soundtrack of the 1812 Overture, complete with explosions filled in where the original piece was supposed to have cannons. It provides such gems as :
James May being so disgusted with his muscle car (it grows on him later) that he tries to win a motorbike in a Reno casino to ride instead...while American bystanders ask him if he's from Australia. (It's something of a memetic Running Gag among Britons that Americans will always assume any British accent other than an old-fashioned BBC English one is Australian instead).
Partway into the episode, "Jessica" by the Allman Brothers comes onto the radio..better known to fans of the show as the opening theme.
James [points at radio]: I wasn't expecting that! Jeremy [in his best Announcer voice]: On tonight's program... [laughs]
...they got completely off topic and started talking about home decorating.
Clarkson: Maybe we should start a program. Young: "Jeremy and Will Do up Surrey Houses", eh? Clarkson: Oh, I'd love to do up Surrey houses. Young: Us fighting over shagpile carpet. I can see it. Clarkson: I don't like shagpile. Young [a little too quickly]: Neither do I. [awkward pause while audience laughs]
And then just kept going.
Clarkson: Have you ever been to the Chelsea Flower Show? Young: I — [laughs, embarrassed] — I have, actually! Clarkson: See, I went to the Chelsea Flower Show to get a water feature — [aside, to the audience] I'm sorry, talk among yourselves — and they are pathetic! Useless water features!
And then, after they finally got back to the subject of cars (specifically, Young's lap), Clarkson is trying to decide how to mark the strip for the track condition:
Clarkson: I'll put a D on it. Or an M. Which do you want: do you want a 'moist' or a 'damp'? [beat] [general laughter] Young [shaking his head]: We got to do that show, you know, it'll be brilliant.
Add to that all the times Richard's teased Jeremy about it.
Hammond: Jeremy's in love!
The expressions on poor Mika Häkkinen's face when James May drove him around Finland.
Episode 1: Clarkson reviews the Porsche GT2. Normally theses segments are seven to ten minutes long. Here is a full transcript of this one:
Clarkson [driving]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Clarkson [narrating]: —and that concludes my road test of the GT2. It's terrifying.
Clarkson: Now, the time has come, I fear. Lots of complaints after last week's program — Internet kind of awash with hate, people demanding an apology — and I am only too happy to give one. I am very sorry that I didn't put the [Porsche] GT2's time on the board ... [general laughter] ... really, I don't know what to say.
The Race to Blackpool, where the presenters have to drive all the way from Basel in Switzerland, whoever gets there first gets to turn on the Blackpool Illuminations but they have to ration their fuel to make sure they make it, and if none of them arrive then the Stig is on hand to do it in their place...
James finds the other presenters have packed heavy items into the back of his car, including a lorry gearbox.
Clarkson declares the whole thing impossible and gets a fuel-thirsty Jaguar with the intention of running out of fuel outside his front door in the Cotswolds. He not only reaches Blackpool but with petrol left in the tank!
The Stig passes the time in Blackpool by visiting the Pleasure Beach amusement park, and falls asleep on Britain's biggest rollercoster.
After Clarkson and Hammond both make it, they argue about who should turn on the lights while in the background the Stig steps up and does it.
Richard: And that I haven't done one of these in some time and I've forgotten to make up a second thing. All we know is he's called The Stig.
Also, when we find out why Richard had to perform the hosting duties.
James: And now the news and it's great news, ladies and gentlemen. It's news to warm the hearts of nations. Jeremy Clarkson has lost his voice!
During the 17-year-old's car challenge: "Guys! Problem! I've shoved my anarchy flag through my water lilo!" "Nobody's ever said that before!"
He also crashes into the summer house later.
Oh, and turning on James May's stereo on the 'parking quietly' challenge. (James improved his car by giving it "a banging stereo for me tunes", Jeremy and Richard exploit this by changing the music, gluing up the control unit and "borrowing" the remote control.)
Blink and you'll miss it, but when Hammond's talking about the premiums for girls being cheaper you can see Stig walk up behind him and put his head in the photocopier!
Also in the same category, James has a framed picture of the Queen on his desk. Hammond has a box of teeth whitener. Clarkson? He's got a picture of Will Young.
The whole segment is practically comprised of these. The Top Gear BBC office is apparently full of random clutter like stacks of gold bullion, bits of Dalek, all sorts of weird stuff is cluttered about.
Also Richard Hammond says he hasn't had any car crashes in the last 5 years when asked by the insurance company.
His guilty look to the camera is the thing that really sells it, though.
When the man in the forklift starts overturning their cars, the look on Clarkson's face is priceless.
May: This man is destroying your Volvo. Are you going to sort him out?
Finally, when they are adding up the totals at the end and May needs 4 points from the judges to win.
Clarkson: So if you've got four— The girls gave you four poi— they did, didn't they? They did. What did they give you? May [after holding out and looking smug for as long as he can]: Nothing.
Steam train v. car v. motorbike. Captain Slow triumphs!
May [to an exhausted, soot-covered Clarkson]: You have permission to say "Oh, cock."
The Return of the Cool Wall. After one short joke too many, Hammond brings out a scissor lift. Too bad it has an emergency stop button that's easily accessible from the ground....
13x01: The belated Star in a Reasonably-Priced Car lap: "MICHAEL SCHUMACHER IS LOST!"
Two words: Car Sauna — a game played by waiting for a hot, sunny day and getting into a car with the windows rolled up and the heater at maximum. The first person to exit the car loses. The lads played it, and Clarkson was the first to abandon ship when the internal temperature reached 62 degrees C (143 degrees F).
Jezza and Captain Slow making car commercials. Period. If you're not laughing your ass off throughout that feature then there's something SERIOUSLY absent about your sense of humor!
One episode had Hammond buy a 1953 London taxi. His car was falling apart on the way home and when they came back, he showed a piece of paper that showed everything that was wrong with the car. As Jeremy was saying "Oh, that's not so much..." Hammond releases the rest of the spool of paper to unroll, fall to the ground, and pool around his legs from about head height.
Michael MacIntyre's account of driving and Austin Princess in the "loser lane" and trying to overtake a Porsche. It made Clarkson laugh so hard he cried.
Clarkson: ...I'm not quite sure how to sum it up, but they're the sort of person who'd go away for the weekend with his wife to a hotel, some romantic place, and spend the entire night flirting outrageously with the waitress, and it's okay because he's got a Jaaaaag. Hammond: Yeah, you can get away with anything. "I'm terribly sorry, I ran over your dog..." "Oh!!" "...in my Jaaaag." "Oh, well, never mind." May: Is it fair to say, do you think, that no Jag owner is ever entirely trustworthy, but it's in a really nice, likeable way?
The best part is that everybody's mind goes there at approximately the same time as Jeremy's and the audience cracks up again.
In the fourth episode of Series 14, during the News segment: because of the New Year's-related delay between taping and broadcasting, the boys struggle to keep straight the discrepancy. Jeremy giddily talks about the Citroen DS3 and says it'll be one of the best cars "that will be coming out next year", (which at the BBC 2 2009 airing means the US BBC America 2010 airing). He beams for a moment at his own magnificence and thumbs-ups the audience, thinking he's got the discrepancy nailed. When Hammond and May correct him ("this year"), he drops the mother of all F bombs. Cue despondency.
The group's discussion about unnecessary speed restrictions on motorway roadworks is already pretty funny...thenJesus shows up. Read the whole thing here (it used to be on YouTube but sadly it was taken down).
From that episode 8, we have the Gocycle, and May thinking it is pronounced Gock-ickle. Then he finds out he had to BUILD it instead of it being a fold-up.
Also, James May saying "Isn't wasn't".
And Clarkson talking about his cycle thing as Hammond comes round a corner with his electrically-powered skateboard and almost falls off. Then they race and Clarkson almost falls off his vehicle.
Also the news section in episode 6, when the Trio suggest useless items to put car-manufacturer-badges on. Jeremy starts off with a plate of vomit (with a BMW badge), Richard suggests a wizard's sleeve... and then James pulls out a literal pork sword.
Jeremy: James, don't do the pork sword. (Pulls out a stuffed rooster) This cock... Richard: Has it got four rings on it? Jeremy: Yes, it has. [turns it to reveal an Audi badge glued to it]
From the Romania trip (looking for the best driving road... in the world). Clarkson gets James an actual Dacia Sandero to drive. It's then wrecked when a semi hits it.
Could also slip into Tear Jerker territory when you think about how damn happy he was to get it and drive it...
Hammond's Ferrari spontaneously and randomly deciding to ring up Vernon Kay.
And it just continues the Refuge in Audacity with all the references to gypsies in Romania.
Yes, that was funny as hell, but EVERYTHING about the "Geoff"/Hammerhead Eagle i-Thrust film was completely hilarious! From the moustache on the front to the box for Hamster's head, to Clarkson not saying the name the same way even TWICE in a row... honestly, that episode is one gigantic CMOF for the boys!
It gets even more hilarious if you read Autocar (yes, the review the boys cited was a real one). The Hammerhead Eagle i-Thrust was given a rating of half a star. The comparison car the trio used (the Reva G-Wiz)...was given no stars. That has to be the ultimate Take That against the G-Wiz.
Jeremy's 'Mood Room'. "Big cats, jet fighters... the actor Peter Bowles."
The segment of the Twingo Renaultsport 133, which is done in a serious manner. This includes Clarkson making a metaphor about how driving the car is like driving a mosquito (then saying "Not literally" because the segment is for a guy that wrote in about how the show wasn't serious) then Jeremy driving it on a hockey rink in the middle of a team's practice, him trying to catch the ferry by jumping (and failing miserably) and then the fact that they put Ross "Ultimate Force" Kemp in the back, who gets abused constantly throughout the time he's in the back. Then there's one question that asks "Is it green?" Jeremy's response?
Jeremy [as the camera shows the bright red 133]: No. It's red.
Being a callback to the last time they did a 'sensible' car test, which involved a (green) Ford Fiesta. And some terrorists. And a shopping centre. And the Royal Marines.
Episode 5: Jeremy sprays himself in the face with minicab perfume. "MY EYES!! I'M BLIND!"
James: Between now and whenever you're watching this, anything could've happened: we might've invented a car that, errr, I dunno, runs on jelly, we might've declare war with France... [Slasher Smile]
The airport vehicles race, in which the driver of a catering truck forgets about the laws of physics and rolls his vehicle. Also, there's a "no contact" restriction. Guess what happens.
During the discussion of the Porsche Boxster Spyder's gearbox, known as Doppelkupplungsgetriebe,note roughly, "double-clutch gearbox" it is revealed that the only sentence James can say in German is "Naturally Hans is wet. He's standing under a waterfall."
Clarkson [in a poor German Accent]: Vorwarts! May [accidentally backing the car up] Scheisse!
Some who have driven that exact model of car would like to testify that the gears are indeed shit.
Staying the night in the hotel that now occupies Colditz. Hammond and May stage their own Great Escape. Clarkson just pays with his credit card.
In Episode 1, it is implied that James May possibly set off the Eyjafjallajökull volcano in Iceland while filming a segment in which he drove up the volcano.
Clarkson: James, have you been working on any oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico recently?
Clarkson's look at the Reliant Robin three-wheeler/tribute to South Yorkshire in episode 1 of Series 15. Especially Clarkson crashing a meeting of a Reliant Robin owner's club. Emphasis on 'crashing'.
He rolls the car seven times during a 14-mile drive, and his car is righted by "friendly locals" including Human League lead singer Phil Oakey, nightclub mogul Peter Stringfellow, veteran cricket umpire Dickie Bird (after Clarkson drives across a cricket pitch), and BBC Look North presenter Harry Gration (after Clarkson rolls in the background while Gration is doing a piece to camera... twice).
Made better in the next episode, when a Reliant Robin enthusiast sends a letter claiming Clarkson's many crashes and flips are due to his being a terrible driver. The boys accept his challenge and attempt a lap around the studio track in a different Robin only to flip it on the first turn. Who was driving this time? The Stig.
Before even setting off on the challenge, he stated that he was wearing a crash helmet and had a four-point safety harness fitted because driving it was as dangerous as "Invitin' your mom around for an evening of Chatroulette."
Clarkson [as the camera shows his car wobbling violently from side to side] Ahhh! Uhh! Ahhh! Ohh! Oh my God! No, this is terrifying! [cutting to an inside view] I - it - it's un- I can't begin to describe what this feels like. It's - it's- [car shakes back and forth] ooookay, wallowing quite badly... Clarkson [narrating]: I asked James to pull in behind and assess the gravity of the situation... but he wasn't much help. [shot of May laughing uproariously as Clarkson looks terrified] Clarkson [narrating]: And, to be honest, nor was Hammond. [shot of Hammond, unable to speak for laughing] Clarkson [gasps in shock] I've- I've cocked up, I've- I know I've cocked up- ohh, uhh, ohh, low bridge! [the "caravan" narrowly misses the underside of a low overpass] Hammond [into walkie-talkie] Jeremy, did you make a note of how tall it actually is? Clarkson [to himself] ... no, I didn't. [into walkie-talkie] Yes. Richard [to himself] He hasn't got a clue.
Clarkson talks about how the last time he cooked in a motorhome he wound up setting it on fire, while in the background Hammond's bursts into flames.
The night after the fire a couple of sheep infiltrated Hammond's collapsible motorhome and shat all over the floor.
The final misadventure: The boys parked near a scenic cliff and Clarkson went off for a walk. While he was gone Hammond and May decided to prank him by pushing his motorhome to the very edge of the cliff...but they failed to account for the slight slope. I think you can see where I'm going with this.
Episode 4: When Jeremy Clarkson mocks James May for not even passing a bus.
The British sports cars. Not just the bare-faced lying throughout the show. THATanagram....
Having windows that won't shut is a safety feature in a British sports car. As well as the really uncomfortable seats that have you keep on taking breaks.
The Stig drives his non-British non-sports car into a car wash, and when he comes out he's underwater.
While Hammond is looking at muscle cars, particularly the Chevy Camaro.
Hammond: Now if you're under 12, then to you this car is Bumblebee from the Transformers movies. And in a minute it's going to stand up and throw an oil tanker at my face.
While discussing the Stig revealing his identity (which was treated as a Face-Heel Turn)
May: Well at least we know now what his real name is. (beat) Judas Iscariot!
The Christmas episode, where Jeremy takes the lights out with the little remote control plane, so they light candles to great "romantic" effect, then Hammond lights his notes on fire, Jeremy tries to put it out but instead sets the tree on fire, and then James calmly suggest they "Pour some pussy on it." (Pussy being the name of an energy drink they'd been discussing previously.) How he managed to say that with a straight face beggars belief.
The guys get their secondhand cars tested at a forensics lab. Jeremy's is pretty benign (with the worst thing being some crisp fragments), while James and Richard find out theirs have mucus, feces, blood and pubic hair in them. James wears a face mask, while Richard goes for a full biohazard suit.
Jeremy gives this description: "Having a drag race in a car with an automatic gearbox is like being in a 100m sprint while wearing welliesnote rubber boots for the Yanks...full of tadpoles."
James May picking up (who he thinks) is Cher in Las Vegas:
In Albania, Jeremy warned that they can't say the word "car" or "peach" because both words are slang for private parts there. Richard decides to play with this.
Hammond: And I have never experienced a car this big and so powerful.
Also in Albania, Jeremy couldn't get a Bentley to drive around in and so he had to pass a Yugo as a Bentley. He was disappointed in this Bentley.
Marauder test drive in Johannesburg:
Hammond [driving a red Marauder] Oh, that gap's big enough. [crashes through wall] Hammond: Well, it is now.
Try ordering a cheeseburger in one of those bad boys.
The South Africa Rozzers bring in a tow truck to nick the Marauder after Hammond parks it somewhere he shouldn't have. He responds by getting in, putting the Marauder in gear, and having a tow truck tug-of-war. The tow truck loses.
Hammond [points forward] We're going that way.
The news regarding the E-type replica named the "Growler".
Reaches its peak once Jeremy goes all fake German, despite the said car was made in Switzerland.
Clarkson:GOTT IN HIMMEL! Wolfgang, we have accidentally named our car after a fraugarten!
More so when James and Jeremy make a Shout-Out to May's slip-up in Series 13:
May: If [the Growler] is based on an XK, has it got four seats? Clarkson:No, you can't get in the back. [beat, followed by laughter from the audience]
In one episode, the presenters were tasked with building their own trains. Jeremy went for a "sports train" which was a Jaguar pulling a trailer while James and Richard went for four caravans being towed by an Audi. Jeremy ended up being stuck behind Hammond and May, then got involved in a Mexican Standoff with an actual train. However, one of the caravans (the buffet car) on Hammond and May's train caught fire, and then, after the passengers had fled, a passenger train smashed the rear caravan to scrap iron.
And when Jeremy nearly crashes his sport train into the back of a stopped train in front of him, we get this gem:
Clarkson [still in his car which has stopped just inches away from the other train]: SOME POO'S COME OUT!
Hammond and May fighting over who makes the announcements.
May: Ladies and gentlemen, please brace yourselves, the incompetent steward is about to pour tepid coffee into your crotch.
Hammond: CHRIST'S SAKE, JAMES, STOP MAKING (Sound Effect Bleep) ANNOUNCEMENTS! THAT'S MY JOB! I'M THE STEWARD! YOU DRIVE, I STEWARD!
May: It's my train, and the driver makes the bleeding announcements! That's the way it is!
And then it just gets childish.
May: Penis penis penis penis penis penis penis...
The demolition challenge, in which they had to take out six buildings before a trained demolition team could. In ex-military vehicles. High points included:
Clarkson trying to convince May and Hammond of the virtues of his demining machine by claiming Princess Diana owned one. You can hear the crew crack up behind the camera.
Richard Hammond firing his harpoon thingy at the roof of one building, missing, and destroying a Porta-Loo instead.
Clarkson losing control of his demining machine and mincing someone's car.
Just generally, it turns out that the Top Gear crew are better at destroying buildings when they're not trying.
In the same episode, Hammond is introduced at the driver's meeting as the pace car driver. After a high-ranking air force officer and his wife and nearly given a standing ovation when introduced to the crowd, Hammond is given a few scattered claps and gives a sheepish half-stand and wave in response.
Also in the same episode, Clarkson and May go to China to look at Chinese cars and consider the claim that the Chinese are going to take over the car industry in a few years. At the end of the segment, it cuts back to the studio to reveal that the presenters have been replaced by Chinese analogues.
The episode 5 news includes Jeremy and Richard revealing James May's Fiat Panda parked in front of the loading bay doors at the BBC studios underground car park. What makes it funny is that no direct accusation is made, but everyone in the audience seems to simultaneously make the realization of whose car it is and begin laughing at James while he looks more guilty than ever before.
Also from the news is James May driving a Suzuki Swift around the track while completely cocooned in a sleeping bag. Just to see if he could do it.
May: Shuffle shuffle shuffle shuffle!
Clarkson's description of the bright yellow (and ironically named) Mercedes-Benz C63 AMG Black as "Winnie the Pooh with road rage!"
Clarkson's P45 road test from the first episode, replete with Clarkson headbutting the helmet every time there's a bump in the road (and demanding it be edited out), and appearing on Dragon's Den.
Clarkson insulting Duncan Bannatyne has to take the prize for episode's funniest moment.
Bannatyne: Well, Jeremy, I'm the last Dragon in, and I tried to tempt them by making an offer and hoping they'd come in with me. Clarkson: I'm sorry, I can't understand a word you're saying. Bannatyne: That is... I'm out.
As well as him taking it on the A3. Most of his dialogue consists of screaming.
Then there's Damian Lewis' lap in the same episode. The conditions are terrible and the entire track is covered in snow. Not only does Lewis cross the finish line sideways, he sets the slowest lap time in the history of "Star in a Resonably Priced Car". However, because of the conditions, Clarkson declares it instead to be the fastest snow lap time and puts it at the top of the board.
The news that James May has turned fifty.
Hammond: Yes, but mate, you were born in your fifties.
It's time to build a car for the elderly, so let's have an A-Team Montage! But a nice, quiet one. After all, you don't want to upset the poor dears now.
And the bollocking they give May during the segment, culminating with them naming the car "the James."
And Jeremy's solution to the problem of elderly drivers going the wrong way on a motorway; Rig their cars to blow up if they turn into the wrong lane.
After the boys have had a match on a Rugby field using cars, Clarkson displays how absolutely knackered the field is. Cutting to the studio, Hammond begins to berate them about how that field was considered "hallowed turf". It leads to this:
On the same episode, it's Lewis Hamilton's second time to lap the test track. Almost as a nod to his previous attempt where he was singing at one point (earning some criticism from Jeremy), he does it again, as well as a few other things (like flashing a Peace Sign and yelling "Peace!") that seemingly imply that he's just joyriding and not seriously doing a fast lap. Nevertheless, he ends up beating Sebastian Vettel's timeby over a second and tops the board.
In Episode 2's news, they cover a Volvo that can park itself after you get out of it and discuss the various problems of the design. Like what happens if it gives up and goes home?
Hammond: What worries me about this is that the roads are going to be packed with driverless, slightly panicky Volvos. "I'm gonna park here! I'm gonna park here! No, where can I go?!" It's gonna be terrified! Clarkson: All the lamp posts are going to have "Missing Volvo" pictures on them. "He's only a year old and his name is Tiddles and he went off to find a parking space and I haven't seen him siiiiiince!"
Episode 3 involves the boys finding the perfect budget supercar and going on a test-drive in recession-hit Spain. They visit a major airport that has no one in it. They never find anyone during their entire time there, and they just take the runway to use as their own!
While at the airport, the cars gain dust damage from the unused runway. The Audi James was driving suffers no damage.
Clarkson: Why do the Germans put the paint on in such a way that it is impossible to get off? May: Because they are Germans and [puts on accent] it is impossible to paint a car badly!
The attempt to build a hovervan in Episode 4 goes awry almost immediately, resulting in a scene of Jeremy Clarkson in a wetsuit with a fountain of water spouting from a hole at the small of his back.
The van is built and tested in Penistone, West Yorkshire, which all three of them insist on pronouncing as "Penis-tone" (it's actually Pennis-tun).
The sign reading "Top Gear Penistone Engineering Workshop" being rendered as "Top Penis Engine Work" when the gate is open.
After refitting the hovervan with a 600 horsepower engine, Jeremy's reaction to learning that they didn't give it a bigger fuel tank, meaning they have to refuel again after just 10 minutes.
The chaos the hovervan causes in Stratford. Crashing into trees, crashing into other boats, crashing into historic bridges, knocking a man out of his boat and blowing away several restaurant tables with the exhaust fan. Cue them quickly deciding to test how fast the van can run away.
When Hammond and May take too long to open the lock, Jeremy decides to get out of the van to shout at them.
Hammond: Who's driving the van?! Clarkson: Well it's— [Clarkson realises it's drifted off]
Hammond getting drenched when he and Clarkson attempt to recapture the van.
After going the wrong way due to James' terrible sense of direction, they come across a weir and manage to successfully navigate their way down it! Naturally Clarkson gets cocky and attempts to reverse up the weir to do this again. Except his attempt to do so overtaxes the engine, burns it out and causing them to begin sinking. Oops.
From the beginning of episode 5:
Clarkson: 1963 saw the birth of two things that I'm not very interested in: the Porsche 911 and James May.
The news segment covering David Cameron's attempt to restrict porn access in Britain, ending in Jeremy referring to the past Africa Special in a special way in the hopes that the porn filters would erase the quote from the internet.
During the crossover test, Jeremy stops his Mazda in a car park after a minor accident puts some warning lights on and wrecks the intercooler. They decide to wait for a tow truck... Then they spy Phil Mitchell.
May [narrating]: We were waiting in the car park for quite some time. And the following morning, the memories were still with us! [cut to Clarkson and May with a thousand-yard stare at the camera]
The Running Gag about caravanners going to recycling centers and throwing away perfectly good furniture and appliances, culminating in them throwing The Stig away after he finishes his lap tests.
The list of bumper stickers on May's caravan:
It's not our fault it's the Allegro in front
Relax...and enjoy the view of our lovely caravan
BACK OFF! I'm doing the speed limit!
Made from recycled Concorde
Clarkson and May both deciding to take off-road routes when racing to their caravan site. Turns out caravans are not great at off-roading.
Clarkson: James, are things as bad back there as I suspect they are? May: Well, let me put it this way: I've run over your left hand wall. Oh, and your portable lavatory! [cracks up]
The sudden reveal of a pair of fuzzy handcuffs hanging inside May's caravan.
From Episode 6:
The news segment discussing Highways Agency Traffic Officers and their tendency to close down roads for minor accidents and slow down traffic.
Hammond: I think they should only be allowed to close the roads if certain words have been used to describe the incident. "Inferno", "Crater", "Apocalyptic". Clarkson: "Felt in Japan". May:"Can't find the head".
Followed by suggesting that they be restricted to picking up trash, which ends in a suggestion that they be dressed as The Wombles. Because "nobody would run over a Womble! They'd be heartbroken!"
In one episode Jeremy reveals he's got a bicycle that he rides through town, but he can't say what kind it is because he thinks all bikes are the same. So Richard asks any viewers who see Jeremy on his bicycle to send in a picture. The next episode Richard says that someone has sent in a picture. Cut to a photo of an orangutan riding a child's bicycle.
From Episode 1, the "supermarket sweep" challenge. Specifically, Clarkson and Hammond's attempts. Clarkson hits virtually every shelf in the supermarket while shouting in panic, while Hammond manages to hit the few shelves Clarkson didn't hit and thanks to his car's tendency to roll manages to end the lap on his side.
Before that there was Hammond's attempt at the hill-climb. He set the fastest time going up, decided to go at full speed back down the hill... and promptly rolled into a ditch.
The various stickers on the back window of Jeremy's Golf: "THIS STICKER ADDS 5.BHP" and "DON'T WORRY, I WELDED IT" are included.
Clarkson presenting a fatal flaw in the Vauxhall Nova's electronic that allows to start the car without the key or hot wiring.
James May escaping arrest by being slow.
Hugh Bonneville calling Jeremy's sister a bitch.
As the episode becomes more goofy, the Top Gear presenters went back to the storage for decommissioned military vehicles and picked a few for the Top Gear Police Force, resulting in an escalating number of heavy vehicles attempting to bring down a 30 years old hatchback. It culminates in Richard driving a tank to try and take out James.
Whenever the other two drive the police cars, they wear fake Seventies moustaches. Hammond later claims that it made it impossible to concentrate on catching Clarkson, because all he could think about was "I've got a moustache...I've got a moustache...I've got a moustache..."
Teenage Stig. AKA, The Stig with headphones, a mobile, and exposed underwear.
From episode 2:
Richard reveals that he had painted a Confederate flag on the roof of his car when he was 17....in North Yorkshire.
When examining a decommissioned Soviet nuclear missile, James May flicks his lighter behind it like it's a giant firework.
James' doves escape from his magic kit into the back of his Dacia Sandero. He throws one out of the window to keep it from pooing on everything. It promptly gets hit by a truck, much to his distress and Hammond and Clarkson's taunting.
Hammond's attempt at wasting fuel in his Ford by zig-zagging the entire 100 mile drive gets the whole convoy of camera and producer trucks pulled over with him by the police. Hammond continues to sit at maximum rev just to keep wasting fuel during the stop.
Jeremy saying that, because he was forced to walk out of Pripyat, he's had to do the entire show with two penises. Then joking that it's not that strange, since he's had to present Top Gear with two penises for the last eleven years.
After Jeremy reveals that Madame Tussauds are going to make a waxwork of him, Hammond and May needle him about how much wax would be needed for the statue and how horrifyingly ugly the end result would be. Jeremy instantly gets his revenge on Hammond by bringing up a fault with the new Porsche GT3 - which Hammond had recently bought - that could cause it to catch fire, culminating in him testing his theory thatpizzas are fire-retardant by strapping a couple of deep-pan pizzas to Hammond's crotch and taking a blowtorch to them. Luckily, Hammond comes away from it seemingly unscathed.
Jeremy tries to pull off the Tablecloth Yank trick using a Nissan GT-R, to emulate an old advert showing a BMW superbike successfully pulling it off, and prove to Hammond that cars are better than bikes. The GT-R isn't quite as successful.
Clarkson: (viewing the resulting carnage in slo-mo) There's the problem, he's going too slowly! note The Stig was doing the driving, not Clarkson.
James May voicing the opinion of everyone who hates winter:
May: Can I make it absolutely clear, here, now, that I'm only here because the producers said I had to be. I don't like snow, I hate being cold, I hate outdoor pursuits, I hate the idea that I've got to push my body to find the limit, I can't stand this stupid clothing that makes this rustling noise when you move all the time, and I hate the zips, and the toggles, and all the pockets, and that velcro thing and I hate the stupid truck.
Soon afterwards, Clarkson commenting to May that this means he's the first person to go to the North Pole who didn't want to go.
After Clarkson takes advantage of the lack of drink driving laws in international waters, Hammond starts referring to Clarkson and May as "Team G&T" as opposed to his own "Team Dog".
Clarkson attempting to teach Hammond and May how to ski is full of pratfalls and humor, including Hammond accidentally finding himself stuck in the rope tow lane and repeatedly apologizing as he attempts (and fails) to dodge incoming skiers and hops away on one ski (the other was knocked off by a collision).
The American roadtrip episode:
The "Don't Get Shot Or Arrested" challenge.
Clarkson: James, what I reckon you've done there is, you've killed your friend.
While trying to put a dead horse's head in James' tent, they end up trapped there because a hippo has come into the camp. And then...
Hammond: Hang on- That's my bag in James' tent! ...This is MY tent!!
"OLIVER!!!!!"note This one wound up being their favorite sound of the year.
After Hammond sinks Oliver, he's told it's probably never going to run again. Next morning, Hammond shows up in Oliver, running better than ever. Clarkson and May are at a complete loss for words.
Clarkson: Is that even technically possible?! Hammond: Probably not.
In the episode after that, it's revealed Richard bought "Oliver" and was having "him" shipped to England. The following exchange takes place:
May: Are you sure it's not just a typical holiday romance? You'll get him home, and he'll be horrid! Clarkson: Richard. He only wants a British passport. May: Or an MoT. Hammond: Listen, it'sreal! He loves me, and he's coming home! That's a fact. [audience goes "awwwwww"] This is happening. Clarkson: I'm going to be sick.
"There's a man over there with the best comb over I have ever seen in my life."
Becomes even more funny when one learns the song was an anti-war song that did not portray being born in the USA as a necessarily good thing.
However, the DVD edition uses "The Star-Spangled Banner" instead, so that makes it a little confusing.
Also, every single second that Jeremy Clarkson was on a motorbike.
Clarkson:I am the most MISERABLE human being ALIVE!!!
The Running Gag of the presenters cheering each other up with "We've bought you a present!" - which inevitably turned out to be something huge, bulky and hard to get on the back of a motorbike.
After the sheer amount of bonding and hardship they go through, they all seem to get quite depressed when their presents are subsequently ruined, and if that's really a spoiler you haven't been watching this show very long (especially James May) and so there's a quite nice scene where they try and stitch everything back together while on a train. And no, it doesn't really make sense in context either.
There's a good Bait and Switch moment in the latter scene where Hammond is trying to fix his damaged painting and decides to paint a car into the scene. We don't see the painting while he's working on it and are primed to expect something awful, but then it turns out he actually did quite well.
"Ive bought this, which is a ... a m-motorcycle." (More of a scooter)
Clarkson discovering someone has written the word "Penis" on his helmet. Cue Gilligan Cut;
Hammond [Cheerfully]: I did that!
Clarkson presenting Hammond with a child-sized mannequin. "Your suit’s ready - here it is!"
"...James and I quite liked the snake blood vodka. And so, later that evening, we decided to make mischief with Hammond's helmet." Jeremy and James then proceed to flatten Richard's helmet, and in the morning present him with a new helmet they had bought, which is bright pink. May: "Understand Hammond that pink is the color of warriors here!" "Stop talking, stop- flapping your lips about with sound coming out of them."
The entire part where they have to go to driving school to enter North Vietnam.
"Always give way to the car from the right!" "You had a one in a hundred chance of being right, but it was in the wrong language."
Followed shortly afterward by the revelation that Clarkson actually learned enough Vietnamese to understand the oral driver's exam, and answer the question directed at him; the legal age required to get a full motorcycle license (the answer being 18).
Clarkson: Did you not bother learning Vietnamese before you came here?
"Jeremy Clarkson: Fail."
Hammond falling over his motorbike and headbutting May in the "gentleman's region," almost immediately followed by Jeremy Clarkson crowing that he was going "where no American had gone before" and then promptly taking a tumble.
After learning the last part of the challenge where they have to make their bikes amphibious to reach the finish line.
Clarkson: How hard can it be? Hammond:Don't say that!
By the middle as three middle aged English men ride motorcycles through Vietnam in brightly colored suits being comical at every end you'll start to wonder when this episode of Top Gear became a very good Wes Anderson movie.
Jeremy's closing monologue, which ends with most surprising things ever to come out Jeremy's mouth: "Vietnam: You don't know, man! You weren't there!"
When James and Jeremy got all of the natives to paint Hammond's motorbike, one native took some paint and started painting someone else's bike.
The South American Trip:
Right at the start, the helicopter shots, with Clarkson's narration.
Jeremy Clarkson sinking into the river.
Clarkson [narrating]: As I sank into the ooze, my colleagues became increasingly concerned. Hammond [choking with laughter]: His plums are in the Amazon, look!
The opening moments of their first drive through the jungle, complete with dramatic music and exciting action shots, only for it to stop abruptly because Clarkson forgot his phone at the river bank. Which was still within literal shouting distance. Who knew the Top Gear guys could make the act of drinking water epic?
When they first try to cross the gully, Jeremy's Range Rover gets stuck at the bottom, and James tries to winch the car out with his Suzuki. Inevitably, the Range Rover stays put while the Suzuki gets pulled down into the gully after it.
From the deleted scenes, Clarkson attacks May's truck with a chainsaw, causing them to nearly get in a chainsaw vs. machete fight.
Clarkson [looking at chainsaw]: I like this! Hammond: Yeah, I know. If you do anything more manly, you're in danger of making yourself pregnant...
And from the episode proper, Clarkson's unveiling of the chainsaw.
Clarkson:I am the God of Hellfire!
Richard: Does he have a chainsaw?
Richard: Oh god...
While they're traveling across the deadliest road in the world, James, who is terrified of heights, threatens the other two with his machete if they rear-end him. Jeremy truly accidentally does, not that this stops James from sticking a machete through his window. Hammond is in the back and you can't tell if he's scared or just amused.
Hammond repeatedly freaking out at all the bugs in the Amazon.
Hammond getting a buzz off coca leaves in Bolivia and chatting at double speed.
At the end of special, they're about to go down the big dune that's the last obstacle of their challenge. Hammond gets out of his car to say something. As he's talking his car starts rolling down the hill (complete with a few curses) and crashes. Hammond then runs after it, yelling out the name of his car. "Donkey!"
The start where the doors to the cargo plane open and reveal that they're still hundreds of feet in the air, with all of their cars lined up to drop out the back. All of them begin screaming in terror immediately, with Hammond (at the front) getting a closeup as James tells him to put the handbrake on.
When Hammond asks why they can't simply drive east through Iraq, Jeremy looks at him like he's a bit simple and says in the most condescending way possible- "Have you ever seen a television program called the news??
Their message from the producers when they cross the border into Turkey: "You Idiots." While the boys have been worrying about being in Iraq and are happily ditching their flack jackets. The message continues: "You have just left a region where there is no war [Kurdistan] and are entering a region where there IS war [that region of Turkey.]"
Clarkson: You really are better? May: Completely. Clarkson: Who am I? May: You're a big cock. Hammond: And who am I? May: Irritating little sod. Clarkson and Hammond [happily]: He's better.
Jeremy's delusions that he's Jesus Christ in the by the Sea of Galilee. "I've invented swimming!"
The India Special:
The boy's Oh Crap expressions when given a direct order from the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom to stay away from India.
The idea of the special is that they're to advertise Britain in India. At the start of the trip, after Clarkson and May have picked at each others' cars, Hammond arrives in a Mini with a British flag on the roof...
Clarkson:(sotto voce) "That is a thing of beauty."
This one hasn't been as well-received as the others, but it does have one of the best Deadpan Snarker moments ever delivered by James May:
May: Why don't you go and wash the cars? That would be really useful... Clarkson: I've washed them... May: You haven't. I can see from here that it's still dirty and it still says "penis" on the bonnet. Go and do it properly.
And then, after Jeremy "accidentally" squirts James, the two proceed to fight over the garden hose like two kids.
When the Mini's entire front rips off as a result of trying to winch up the Rolls-Royce. Even funnier because Hammond doesn't realize what's happened and is still trying to direct the other two in the winching job while they try to get him to shut up and look at his car. Then his expression when he does see the Mini is hilariously pathetic.
Hammond's horrified look when he realised he'd accidentally painted the Mexican flag on the bonnet of his mini, not the Indian flag.
The credits replacing everyone's last name with an Indian dish as the out of control lawnmower from the garden party slowly rolls through the Himalayas in the background to "Hey Jude".
As part of the "promote British industry in India" Excuse Plot, the lads decide to put banners on the sides of the trains, reading "THE UNITED KINGDOM PROMOTES BRITISH I.T. FOR YOUR COMPANY" and "EAT ENGLISH MUFFINS". Then the train decouples, tearing the banners in the worst possible place.
Jeremy's genuine amazement over how a woman, who barely reaches his chest in height, can casually carry a bowl of bananas on her head, which turns out to be so heavy that he needs her help to carry all them into his car.
There's also the fact that Jeremy just wanted to buy one banana, but due to not knowing the money exchange rate, accidentally buys the entire bowlful, which was easily big enough to take up two of his car's seats.
Clarkson trying to fix a throttle problem with his car by simply tapping the top of his engine with a large sledgehammer as James and Richard try not to laugh, as if they're waiting for him to notice....
Clarkson: What else is electrical in here? May and Hammond [simultaneously]: Not the exhaust manifold. Clarkson: Well, I've done the fuse box if that's what that is. May and Hammond [simultaneously]: That's an air filter.
Richard's fear of insects causing him to litter his car with bug zapper lamps.
The presenters find a town named Jezza. Cue a series of bad puns.
Richard's Insane Troll Logic that tea plantation fields have hotels in them, due to people who sample tea for companies, needing somewhere to stay. Cue the title card revealing them still driving "Many, many, miles later...".
At the hotel Richard found, Jeremy discovering that the mattress in his room is covered in excrement.
Jeremy's crackpot theory on why the British explorers had so much problem following the Nile to its source. The idea being that they just wanted to have fun for a few years away from their wives and made the whole trip up.
Followed by the presenters constantly thinking up false letters to their wives in this fashion.
During the interminable wait at the border crossing between Rwanda and Tanzania, Jeremy and James amuse themselves by re-arranging the letters in "SUBARU" on the back of Richard's car to read "U ARSE".
Later followed by changing the letters on James's car to "OLD".
Just like in the previous Africa special, their belief that watching American tourists is more interesting than any local wildlife.
The presenters' Escalating War of constant theft of pieces from each other's cars to mend their own.
When the skid plate of James' Volvo is torn off after a collision with a speed bump, he fashions a crude replacement by cutting a square piece out of the passenger side door of Jeremy's BMW and bolting it onto the underside of his car. Jeremy doesn't even notice until several days later.
Later, Jeremy gets revenge for the door theft by cutting a hole in James' bonnet to put over the hole in his door. James, inevitably, is less angry about the theft than he is at Jeremy's shoddy workmanship in cutting the hole ("It looks like it was done with a knife and fork by the Council!"). He in turn cuts a portion of Richard's bonnet to cover the hole in his car. Richard completes the circle by putting a piece of plywood with the toilet seat from Jeremy's "outside toilet" over the hole in his bonnet.
That toilet was originally hanging off of Jeremy's driver door, and the entire crew is seen lining up to use it. They still do when it's right over Hammond's engine.
Speaking of the Escalating War, James' discovery of Jeremy stealing part of his bonnet also counts:
Clarkson [narrating]: As dawn broke, the peace and serenity of this beautiful Ugandan morning was shattered by the bellow of a wild animal. May:CLARKSOOOOOOOOOON!!!
Because neither the handbrake nor the throttle of his car are fully functional, Jeremy ties a log to the back of the car so that, if he needs to make a hill start, he can place the log parallel to the back of his car, roll back into it, and make a hill start without worrying about the car rolling backwards. He is delighted with his new invention... until, as the trio are driving down a hill, the log bounces up and completely shatters his rear window. When Richard is selecting what to cook for dinner that night (beans), Clarkson's Aside Glance at the camera as notices and begins measuring the rear window of Hammond's car reveals his intent to steal it during the night to replace his broken one. And so he does. Richard puts another piece of plywood over the boot lid, making it impossible to see out of the back of the car.
The forfeit car for the challenge (ie, the car the presenters will be obliged to drive if their cars break beyond repair) is a Ford Scorpio. After they have towed their own cars across a river using a "homemade" car ferry, they are celebrating their first ever "Ambitious, but Rubbish" success as, in the background, the labcoat-clad producers are loading the Scorpio onto the ferry... only for the car to plunge into the river and sink to the bottom.
Hammond's armchair falling into the river because Clarkson stole the rope securing it for use in constructing the ferry. Becomes even more amusing when after floating a short way down the river, they notice a local man fishing it out and carrying it away, apparently having declared "Dibs!"
Hammond: Enjoy it!
Jeremy praying to God as James loads his Volvo onto the ferry to "make it go upside-down."
Making the car ferry to the tune of an African remix of the A-Team theme.
Jeremy trying to distract Richard during the race to the finish by blaring Genesis from his rooftop bullhorn.
Hammond: ....oh God!
The photo at the end with the text reading James May. Discoverer of the true source of the river Nile. And two other blokes.
The credits adding "Dr." and "I presume?" to every name.
From the Burma special:
The trio run out of diesel and need to go to the next village... on horses. Jeremy calls his "Tesco".
May thinks he is clever when he attaches a mountaineering tent to the end of his lorry's crane to sleep in. Unfortunately, his snoring also keeps Clarkson awake. Three guesses how Clarkson moves the tent.
The second time James does this, Clarkson hangs the tent over the river... and tips James out.
After admiring the Burmese for preparing for the future by building a twenty-lane motorway around their capital city, they point out that the current size of the capital means there is absolutely zero traffic on it most of the time, demonstrating by stopping to play football in the middle of it.
When the weight off all the bricks in the back of his lorry prevents him from getting enough traction to climb the hill, Clarkson, being... well, Clarkson, decides to dump the entire lot of them into the middle of the road. He then decides to happily drive off, forcing Hammond and May to shift the bricks, blocking the road for their own lorries.
"You're reversed into the sports lorry!
The trio commenting in the Shan State that they're possibly the first Westerners these people have ever seen... standing right in front of a banner advertising Chelsea football club.
Jeremy Clarkson driving up in a massive crane next to the one driven by James May, as dramatic music blares in the background...only for Clarkson's crane to tip over and land on its side.
In the 50 Years of Bond Cars special, Hammond attempts to replicate the car cloaking device from Die Another Day with his Particularly Enigmatic New Invisibility System.
May [to Gordon after beating him at the recipe challenge]: Are you any good at driving?
The entire Ground Force special. However the best moments have to be the repeated destruction of James' shed, Hammond getting stuck in the concrete, Hammond's jet powered barbecue (which set the shed on fire) and Jeremy's turbocharged water feature. Which exploded, firing off the top bit which predictably took out the green house which happened to be the one thing that actually worked.
The Winter Olympics episode. Any given challenge (which can be said for the show as a whole), but the biathlon just starts things off. Jeremy Clarkson. Enough said.
May: The thing about Jeremy's shooting is that you are perfectly safe as long as you are standing right in front of the target.
When he has to do the shooting a second time, he claims to know how to fold the seats away, as he has one at home. He winds up having to call his wife for help.
And then, once he gets around to the shooting, he claims to have learned his lesson from last time. After his attempt to apply More Dakka with a MP5 submachine gun on full auto, it's revealed that he cut down a tree instead of hitting the targets.
From the Australian version: Ewen Page did a review of the Volvo S60note power:304 hp, a car with marketing that claims it's "naughty enough to whip the Germans". Naturally, when the time came to test this the first German car used was a Porsche 911 Turbo Snote power:500 hp. When this proved significantly superior, they reached for a vehicle that the Volvo had a reasonable chance of beating - a post-WWII Messerschmitt pedal carnote power: 1 spp (Steve-Pizzati-power) which trundled down the track accompanied by jangly piano music. Having given it quite a significant head start, the Volvo cruised past in reverse, with Ewen Page waving cheerfully out of the window.
From the "Worst Car in the History of the World" special, as James drives a Mercedes SLS around the track to demonstrate how bad it is, Jeremy mocks his choice in personal car - a Fiat Panda. Cue a Morris Marina dropping on it.
From the "Perfect Road Trip" DVD, Hammond figures out the perfect car for parking in front of the Hotel de Paris in Monte Carlo that won't be moved by the valet parking team in favour of something flashier and more expensive... a Model T Ford. 'Cause neither he or Clarkson can work out how to drive the thing, the valets certainly won't.
Then there is Hammond in his forfeit t-shirt that says "I <3 James May", complete with a picture of him on the back. He's clearly not happy about it, but then again at least the person in question wasn't with them.
Unsorted (please help!)
When Jeremy turns a car demonstration into a snuff film when he GOES AFTER THE CAMERA CREW. There's then a screen card that says something to the effect of "Due to Compliance issues with the BBC it is now illegal to involve camera crews in stunts".
Whenever you hear May yell "CLARKSON!" you know that one of these is either about to happen, is happening now, or has happened.
Whenever May yells "Mayday!" during a challenge.
The boys walk into a pub. They walk straight back out again.