Mulder: There is a weird feel to this place. Maybe there's some truth to those rumors. Scully: I think he incited your imagination. I think this case is nothing more than a murderer taking advantage of local folklore. I mean, there's nothing odd about— (Scully is interrupted by a rain of toads) Mulder: So... lunch? Scully: Mulder! Toads just fell from the sky! Mulder: I guess their parachutes didn't open. You were saying something about this place not feeling odd?
Scully:(on the phone with Manners, to Mulder) He says he's found your bleeping dead alien.
"Hey, I didn't spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a little something about courage."
And Mulder's "girly scream" upon seeing the alien body, still with a deadpan expression.
"The proper authorities showed up with a couple of men in black. One of them was disguised as a woman, but wasn't pulling it off. Like, her hair was red... but it was a little too red, you know. And the other one, the tall lanky one, his face was so blank and expressionless."
"I don't know which was more disturbing, his description of the inner core reincarnated souls sex orgy... or the fact that the whole thing was written in screenplay format."
The goofy UFO conspiracy theorist giving a somber, existentialist speech about what the future holds, concluding with a casual, offhand warning about "the lava men."
"Beyond the Sea" is absolutely tearjerking, but a bright spot is Mulder's deadpan recap of how he spent an afternoon with a serial killer:
Mulder: It was five hours of Boggs's "channeling". After the first three hours, I asked him to summon up the soul of Jimi Hendrix and requested "All Along the Watchtower".
Scully:(looks at substance on Mulder's fingers) I think it's bile. Mulder: Is there any way I can get this off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior?
Scully's ultimatum to Mulder in "The Erlenmeyer Flask":
Scully: I'm warning you — if this is monkey pee, Mulder, you're on your own.
One really wonders how the actors managed to keep straight faces during an exchange in the episode "Per Manum", when Scully is talking to Mulder about sperm donation:
Mulder: At that part, I'm a pro.
"Home" was a very weird episode overall, but there was one hilarious scene scene that stood out:
Mulder: Isn't there some way to get these pigs moving? Scully: Bah, ram, ewe. Bah, ram, ewe. I babysat my nephew this weekend. We watched Babe fifteen times a day. Mulder: And people call me Spooky...
Another one from Home: Mulder's frowny face when he found a newspaper that says Elvis died at 42.
Most of "Bad Blood".
Scully recounting a drugged-out Mulder singing the theme to Shaft.
Mulder:I did not!
Mulder's attempts to fend off a group of vampires with a cross... made from a pair of breadsticks.
A flying squirrel jump:
Scully: You're saying that I actually hit him two times? Mulder: Square in the chest. No effect. Scully: And then he sort of flew at me like a flying squirrel? Mulder: Well, I don't think I'll use the phrase "flying squirrel" when I talk to Skinner, but... yeah, that's what happened.
The (un)lucky coroner:
Skinner:: The coroner's throat's been bitten. Mulder: The coroner's dead? Skinner: No, his throat was bitten. Sort of... gnawed on.
Scully is a bit surprised by this development.
Scully: But... he was dead. Mulder:[Smugly] I noticed that. Scully: With a stake through his heart. Mulder: I noticed that too.
While comparing stories, Mulder makes a point of mentioning the sheriff had "big buckteeth", which Scully of course contradicts. When they return to the little town and we find out the sheriff doesn't actually have buckteeth, Scully just looks at Mulder and taps her front teeth with her finger. When he called on this by Scully, Mulder sheepishly retorts that the sheriff "had a slight overbite". When we meet the sheriff again he does, in fact, have a slight overbite. Scully's memory wasn't entirely accurate either, it seems...
After being pestered all morning to admit to Skinner that he was drugged, and refusing adamantly to do so, the very first thing Mulder does upon seeing Skinner leave his office is jump up and blurt out "I was drugged!"
Scully: "Having completed the autopsy I checked into the Davey Crockett Motor Court." Mulder: "The name of it was actually the Sam Houston Motor Lodge." And the name of the place on screen is re-typed...
Luke Wilson was absolutely hilarious in his role of the vampire Sheriff Lucius Hartwell. Especially from Mulder's point of view. Scully's has its own merit too, though.
At the beginning, Mulder is trying — and failing — to write a report that satisfactorily explains this whole mess, and has been trying for several hours, judging by the crumpled up balls of paper surrounding his wastepaper basket. When his latest effort fails to go into the bin as well, Mulder gets up to apparently clean up the mess, only to suddenly explode and start kicking and stomping the shit of the bin instead. All the while Scully just watches incredulously.
"Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose": The whole episode is absolutely hilarious, while also being a Tear Jerker and Nightmare Fuel. Quite an achievement, really. Concrete funny moments:
This exchange, when Mr Bruckman out-deadpans and out-snarks even Mulder:
Clyde Bruckman: You know, there are worse ways to go, but I can't think of a more undignified way than autoerotic asphyxiation. Mulder: Why are you telling me that? Clyde Bruckman: Look, forget I mentioned it. It's none of my business.
Bruckman's obsession with figuring out what kind of pie he sees Mulder stepping in before the killer gets him.
Mulder trying to convince Scully the random Man in Black is really him:
Mulder: Look, your full name is Dana Katherine Scully. Your badge number is... hell, I don't know your badge number. Your mother's name is Margaret, your brother's name is Bill. He's in the Navy and he hates me. Lately you've been having for lunch, I dunno, this six ounce cup of yogurt, plain yogurt into which you stir some bee pollen because you're on some kind of bee pollen kick, even though I tell you you're a scientist and you really should know better. Scully: That information could've been gathered by anybody. Mulder: Even that yogurt thing?... That's so you. That's so Scully. The fact that you haven't changed is still somewhat comforting.
We have Scully's comment after she's finally caught wise to the MIB and Mulder finally having switched bodies. After having put up with Faux Mulder calling her "baby" a lot and trying to hit on her, she finally agrees to come to "Mulder's" apartment and plays along — only long enough to get a chance to handcuff him to the bed, pull a gun on him, and then growl, "'Baby' me one more time and you'll be PEEING THROUGH A CATHETER."
Mulder threatens Scully:
Scully: I must remind you, this goes against the bureau's policy of male and female agents staying in the same motel room while on assignment. Mulder: Try any of that Tailhook crap on me, Scully, and I'll kick your ass.
When Mulder encourages Scully to "sing something to keep yourself awake," and she first panics a little because she "can't sing", but after Mulder eggs her on, finally she shyly begins: "... Jeremiah was a bullfrog...."
Scully: Mulder, you need to keep warm. Your body’s still in shock. Mulder: I was told once that the best way to regenerate body heat was to crawl naked into a sleeping bag with some body else who’s already naked. Scully: Well, maybe if it rains sleeping bags, you’ll get lucky.
After Mulder heads off to the mystery of the week alone and leaves Scully stuck on their stakeout, she gives him a cell phone message:
"Mulder, when you find me dead, my dessicated corpse propped up staring lifelessly through the telescope at drunken frat boys peeing and vomiting into the gutter, just know that my last thoughts were of you... and how I'd like to kill you."
"Small Potatoes" is full of hilarious moments:
Eddie Van Blundht-as-Mulder, checking out Mulder's office and apartment.
Scully talking about how great it is that the bizarre corpse they found is "preserved and intact"... just as Mulder, unseen by her, breaks the tail off it. The Oh Crap look on his face is priceless.
Eddie Van Blundht Sr. asking if they want to see his tail. Mulder looks excited while Scully cannot say quickly enough, "No! No, thank you."
Amanda's dead-serious description of the father of her daughter: "His name's Luke Skywalker. He's what they call a Jedi Knight."
Blink-and-you'll-miss-it example: Eddie van Blundht's pet peeve? People misspelling his name, forgetting the silent H all the time. When Mulder and Scully come to his house, there are letters on the wall that read VAN BLUNDHT. As Mulder walks past it, the H falls off.
"The War of Coprophages":
"....The entomologist's name is 'Bambi'?" Scully is amused.
"You two look pooped." The local law enforcement guy is not very subtle in his jokes.
Mulder explaining to Scully how he hates bugs:
Mulder: I had a praying mantis epiphany and, as a result, I screamed. No, not... not a girly scream, but the scream of someone being confronted by some before unknown monster that had no right existing on the same planet I inhabited. Did you ever notice how a praying mantis' head resembles an alien's head? I mean, the mysteries of the natural world were revealed to me that day, but instead of being astounded, I was... repulsed. Scully: Mulder... are you sure it wasn't a girly scream?
Mulder picks on Scully after they both have been covered by manure:
Mulder: Scully, I never thought I'd say this, but you smell bad.
He sure smelled of roses or something.
The phone conversations between Mulder and Scully are all funny, but the Queequeg one is BY FAR the best.
The Cigarette-Smoking Man's Forrest Gump speech from "Musings of a Cigarette-Smoking Man".
Cigarette-Smoking Man: Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you're stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast and the taste is... fleeting. So, you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. And if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers."
CSM is revealed to be the reason the Bills keep losing the Super Bowl.
This classic exchange from "Pusher":
Mulder: He put the whammy on him! Scully: Please explain to me the scientific nature of "the whammy".
From the first movie:
After Mulder was in a building with a large bomb:
Scully: I saw your face, Mulder. There was a definite moment of panic. Mulder: You've never seen me panic. When I panic, I make this face. (remains entirely deadpan)
Gets a Call Back later when Mulde is face-to-face with a bomb, on the phone with Scully:
Mulder: Remember that face I showed you, Scully? I'm making it again.
"I had you big time." First time, funny. Second time, heartwarming.
As cringeworthy as "First Person Shooter" was, with its Totally Radical dialogue and... well, not "implications" so much as blatant assertion that men are all inherently violent, childish perverts, and as much as all this is doubly unforgivable because William Gibson should really know better, everyone admits the part at the end where Scully puts on futuristic battle armor and goes into the game to save Mulder is solid gold.
Byers: Scully's on fire! Langley: The blood thirst is unquenchable!
From "Three of a Kind":
Drugged Scully, poor woman, but she was hilarious, and even drugged she was nice to people.
Langley: Did you figure out how he died?
Scully: My medical opinion? Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep *splat*.
Mulder and Scully go undercover as a newlywed couple. When they are finally left alone, following exchange takes place:
Scully:(takes off her coat rather suggestively) You ready? Mulder: Let's get it on, honey. Scully: Alright then. (hands him a rubber... glove to lift forensic evidence with)
Mulder: Admit it, all you want to do is play house. Woman! Get in here and make me a sandwich! Scully:(throws glove at him) Mulder: Did I not make myself clear?
Virtually all of "Humbug", but Scully eating the cricket takes the prize. Double so because, despite having the alternative of a more palatable, Gillian Anderson actually ate it. Though there are rumours that she just put it in her mouth and didn't eat it for real... We will never know.
"Humbug" was the first real comedy episode of the show, and still possibly the funniest of the whole run. A good one is when one of the circus-folk characters looks disgustedly at Mulder, who is unconciously striking a catalogue pose in the background, and asks Scully, 'can you imagine going through your whole life looking like that?'
Even if you are not too great a fan of this episode, this phone conversation is pure gold:
Mulder: Yeah... he wants advice. Dating advice. Scully: Dating advice? From whom? Mulder: Yours truly. — Hello? Hey, Scully. Scully, you there? Scully: I heard you. Mulder, when was the last time you went on a date? Mulder: I will talk to you later. (he hangs up) Scully:(to herself)The blind leading the blind.
"Syzygy" is full of funny moments.
This one in particular is a gem:
Scully: Why do you always have to drive? Because you're the guy? Because you're the big macho man? Mulder: No, I just wasn't sure your little feet could reach the pedals.
When she finally gets to drive... She has to pull the seat forward for reaching the pedals. (A Fandom Nod to a common bit of fan pedantry.)
Quite a bit of "Triangle", though special mention has to go to Kersh's past!doppelganger, and his insistence that the ship is GOING TO JAMAICA! Also Skinner's counterpart, The Mole among the Nazis.
Skinner:(shoots the soldier pursuing Mulder and past!Scully) God bless America. Now get your asses out of here.
The bubble bath scene:
Mulder: So, what are you up to right now, sir? Skinner: I'm takin' a bubble bath. Mulder: Uh, uh... hold on just one second, sir. (Switches to the other line) Hey Scully, Skin-Man is calling me from a BUBBLE BATH! Skinner: It's still me, Mulder.
Their expressions when they're watching the movie based on them are just priceless◊, especially Scully's.
In "Je Souhaite"...
Anson Stokes: I wish that I could turn invisible... at will. Genie: You're kidding. Anson Stokes: No, no. This is perfect. Yeah, I could have an advantage that nobody else on earth can have. I can, um, you know, spy and learn secret information, pick up stock tips. Genie: Sneak into a women's locker room. Anson Stokes: Not just that, okay?
In "Fight Club", Mulder being sucked by a manhole, complete with "Oh Crap".
Most of "Quagmire" is a funny episode. Though the Queequeg in the car moment and the scenes with the locals stand out especially.
The autopsy of the bisected warden:
Scully: Should we arrest David Copperfield? Mulder: Yes, but not for this.
Scully: Spontaneous human combustion. Mulder:(nearly breathless in disbelief, as if he was complimented in the sweetest way ever) Scully! Scully: Well, isn't that where you're going with this? Mulder: Dear Diary, today my heart leapt when Agent Scully suggested spontaneous human combustion. Scully: Mulder, there are one or two somewhat well-documented cases. (Mulder says nothing but he keeps nodding thoughtfully) Scully: Mulder, shut up. (Mulder gives Scully a somewhat confused look)
"Post-modern Prometheus" is a gem of an episode:
The scene after the teaser. Mulder is driving and Scully has just finished reading a letter from Mrs. Berkowitz which suggests that Mulder has become America's go-to guy for people who have encountered the paranormal.
Mulder: Scully, do you think it’s too soon to get my own 1-900 number? (Scully just rolls her eyes)
Mulder goes into the diner and everyone stares and smiles at him. He finds it a little strange. He looks humble but he also seems to enjoy the attention. Absolutely hilarious scene, accompanied by the episode's amazing score. This is later mirrored by an equally funny scene when Mulder enters the diner, smiles at the folks... and everybody is positively hostile towards him. The same great music keeps playing.
A lot of entertaining stuff is going on in "Chinga" (i.e. the phone calls between Mulder and Scully) but the final scene in the office is really one crowning moment of funny. Mulder is obviously bored without Scully and plays with his pencils, carefully sharpening them, making a nice row of them and also throwing and sticking them into the ceiling. When Scully walks in the office, he is very charming in his attempts to hide it from her. She by the way pretends that she is rested after weekend off, spent with some guy Jack. When the pencils start falling down and hitting Mulder, it gets hysterical. In addition, the truth is that they both need each other and the mystery of the X-files, which add the layer of heart-warming.
Mulder:(after being hit with a pencil) There’s got to be an explanation. Scully: Oh, I don’t know. I think some things are better left unexplained.
Basically any time when Mulder is flirting with Scully or hitting on her. Most of the time he just enjoys messing with her, but nevertheless UST it is.
Mulder comments Frohike's earlier remark: "I think it's remotely plausible that someone might think you’re hot."
Mulder got turned on over the phone by discussing alien life: "Scully... what are you wearing?"
Scully guesses Mulder's theory and he's impressed: "Should we be picking out china patterns or what?"
Mulder climbs a tree and shouts: "Hey, Scully, is this demonstration of boyish agility turning you on at all?"
Scully vigorously names an impressive number of paranormal stuff that might help her crack a little off side project she's investigating. Mulder is bewitched and he just gasps: "Marry me!"
Many of those when they are undercover as a married couple in "Arcadia". For instance, Mulder taps on the bed and invites Scully to join him with: "Come on, Laura, you know... We're married now."
After Scully immediately identifies the model of the plane whose underwater wreckage they're looking at: "I just got very turned on."
One scene in "Schizogeny" is very funny on two levels. It involves Mulder and Bobby the troubled teenager. When Booby asks who is Kennedy, Mulder doesn't respond to that. Not a single snark, just a confused "Am I getting old?" expression passes his face. So either some American kids are really this uneducated, or more likely, our dear Deadpan Snarker just got trolled.
Mulder:(looking at Bobby’s poster) "Ich bin ein Auslander." "I am an outsider." You know, when Kennedy told the Germans "Ich bin ein Berliner", he was actually saying "I am a cocktail sausage". Bobby: Who’s Kennedy?
From "Tithonus": Scully is assigned to work on a case with another agent in New York. Naturally, Mulder is bored and a bit envious. He spies on their investigation and at one point, he calls Scully on her cell, disguising his voice as some nerdy type, as if he was calling to arrange a school re-union: "Hi. My name is Fox Mulder. We used to sit next to each other at the FBI." Very cute, very funny. Even Scully is amused.