Funny: The Simpsons Seasons 1 To 8
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1. - Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire
- Homer answers the phone.
Homer: Y'ello?Patty: Marge please.Homer: Who is this?Patty: Can I speak to Marge?Homer: [irritated] This is one of her sisters, isn't it?Patty: Is Marge there?Homer: Who shall I say is calling?[long pause]Patty: Marge please.
- Bart steps into a tattoo parlor.
Bart: One "Mother," please.Tattoo Artist: Wait a minute, how old are you?Bart: 21, sir.Tattoo Artist: Get in the chair.
- Homer has a Drama Queen moment when he discovers Marge paid all the Christmas shopping money to remove Bart's tattoo.
Homer: It's true! The jar's empty! Oh my God! We're ruined! Christmas is cancelled. No presents for anyone!
- Homer hits his head on the workshop door while working as a mall Santa.
Homer: Hey, little ones! Santa's back! Ho ho [thump] D'OH!
- After coming home to rest, Patty & Selma irked him into buying a Christmas tree.
Homer: Merry Christmas.Patty: It's Christmas? You wouldn't notice that around here.Homer: [about to go upstairs] And why is that?Selma: Well, for one thing there's no tree.Homer: Well I was just on my way out to get one!Lisa: Can we go too, dad?Bart: Yeah, can we?Homer: NO!! [slams the door]
2. - Bart the Genius
Teacher: You know what happens when you mix acids with bases, don't you?Bart: Of course I do.[KABOOM!; Everyone and everything is covered in green goop]Bart: Sorry.[The 2 hamsters run away.]
- After Bart confesses to Homer, Homer switches and chases a naked Bart to his room, leading to Homer angrily beating on the door and this simple gem of a dialogue.
Marge: What's going on with those two?Lisa: I think Bart's stupid again.
- The famous Kwyjibo scene.
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell us what a kwyjibo is!Bart: Kwyjibo: um, a big dumb balding North American ape... with no chin.Marge: And a short temper!Homer: I'll show you a big dumb balding ape!Bart: Uh oh, kwyjibo on the loose!
- When Skinner has Bart, Marge, and Homer in his office:
Skinner: He's frequently absent from school, then gives teachers pathetic excuse notes that are obviously childish forgeries when compared to...
(Skinner notices that the check Homer just wrote for him has the same scribbly handwriting as a so-called forged note)
Skinnner: ...Well, at any rate, it is my reluctant decision...
3. - Homer's Odyssey
- Headline: "Enough already, Homer Simpson!"
- Bart's prank call to Moe's;
Moe: (Answers phone) Moe's Tavern.Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?Moe: Who?Bart: Freely! First initials, I.P.Moe: Hold on, I'll check. (To bar) Uhh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I. P. Freely!(Bar patrons snicker)Moe: ...Wait a minute. (Into phone) Listen to me, you lousy punk, when I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!(Bart and Lisa laugh their heads off. Moe hangs up.)Homer: You'll get that punk someday, Moe.Moe: Oh, I dunno, he's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name!
4. - There's No Disgrace Like Home
- Marge sings "Hey brother, Pour the Wine" at the company picnic.
- When Homer rescues Marge from herself, her head is tilted back and her mouth is hanging open! Marge is completely gone!
Homer: Snap out of it, Marge! Mr. Burns wants to make a toast.Marge: Oh, I'm not much of a drinker. [Marge passes out.]
- When Homer rescues Marge from herself, her head is tilted back and her mouth is hanging open! Marge is completely gone!
- The visit to Dr. Marvin Monroe. ("My finger slipped. [bzzt] AAAH!" "So did mine!") At the height of it, they burden the energy grid, causing all the lights in the city block to flicker.
5. - Bart the General
- Abe tells Bart to stand up for himself when Nelson bullies him, only for Jasper to walk through and take his newspaper despite his protests.
- Any scene with Herman, the one-armed military antiques store owner.
- One of the words Abe doesn't want to hear on TV again: "family jewels". Earlier, Homer claiming kicking people in the "family jewels" is a traditional Simpson technique.
- Homer calling his dad a "tall, grey haired kid."
6. - Moaning Lisa
- Homer and Bart play a video boxing game:
Homer: Come on, come on, let's go.Bart: [as announcer] In the red trunks, with a record of 48 wins and no losses, the undisputed champ of the town, Battling Bart Simpson! And in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats... oh, correction, humiliating defeats, all of them by knock-out...Homer: Must you do this every time...Bart: Homer "the Human Punching Bag" Simpson!
- Followed by a KO in the first round.
- Bart's boxer defeats Homer's boxer by punching his head off. Bear in mind this was a couple years before Mortal Kombat was made.
- There's also the last scene of that arc, which has Homer about to beat Bart thanks to lessons from a local video game wizard... and then Marge switches the game off to announce Lisa's recovery from depression, allowing Bart to quickly retire from video boxing to preserve his record as the undefeated champion.
7. - The Call of the Simpsons
- Homer sets a trap for a rabbit, which flings it far into the distance. Animal abuse has never been funnier.
- Homer is surrounded by animals biting at him. He tries to get them off by rolling on the ground while moaning amusingly.
- Homer as Bigfoot.
- Homer: Avenge me son. Avenge my death. *begins snoring*
- The results on whether or not Homer is Bigfoot: inconclusive.
Doctor: He's either a brilliant beast, or simply a below-average human being.
8. - The Telltale Head
- Homer listens to a football game on a Walkman and the broadcast somehow syncing up with Reverend Lovejoy's sermon.
"IT'S GOOD! IT'S GOOD! IT'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!! It's... good to see you all today."
Bart: Uh, ma'am, what if you're a really good person but you're in a really, really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?Sunday School Teacher: For the last time, Bart, yes!
9. - Life on the Fast Lane
- Homer being so depressed, he doesn't even react to getting hit in the head.
Bart: Dad, you didn't even say, "Ouch!"Homer: Oh sorry. Ouch.
Homer: My birthday?Lisa: No.Homer: It's my birthday?! What do I get? I love birthdays!Marge: No, Homer! It's mine!
10. - Homer's Night Out
- Homer is about to strangle Bart after finding out he was the one who took the picture of him dancing with Princess Kashmir, but he is stopped by Marge, who strangles Homer for dancing with the stripper in the first place.
Homer: Why you little...Marge: Why you big...[to Bart]: Bart, go to your room!Bart: I'm outta here.Homer: Look, Marge? Honey? Baby? Doll?Marge: Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now.Homer: What are you saying, honey?[Marge points out the door]Homer: But, where would I sleep?Marge: My suggestion, is for you to sleep in the filth you created!!Homer: Would a motel room be okay?[Marge slams the door in annoyance]
- Homer stays at Barney's apartment room.
Homer: [looking out the window] Hey Barney, see those tiny rows of light? The middle one is my house. Someone must have left the porch light on.Barney: Hey, that's rough, pal. [leaves offscreen] Hello? Is this Marge? Turn off the damn porch light![Homer sees Barney on the phone]Homer: Barney!Barney: Homer's not made of money, you know.[Homer grabs the phone from him]Marge: [through the phone Who is this?Homer: Don't listen to him, Marge! He's—Marge: It's you! Hmph! [hangs up]
11. - The Crepes of Wrath
- The Krusty doll repeats the lines "I like to play with you" over and over until the batteries die.
- Homer miraculously recovers from his back injury when Bart agrees to go to France on foreign exchange.
- Homer's final promise to Albanian exchange student/spy Adil has humor in it. As Adil is being loaded onto the plane to be deported, Homer tearfully promises to send him "those civil defense plans you wanted!".
- Bart: [sincere] Bye, Spanky.
12. - Krusty Gets Busted
- Everything from the Krusty the Klown show that opens the episode.
- Krusty's on-air heart attack.
- An old clip of Sideshow Bob shows him smothering a pie in Krusty's face and Krusty decking him in response.
- Everyone laughs at Homer when they see in the surveillance video that Homer screamed and jumped into the chips when she saw "Krusty" carry a gun.
- Krusty nearly blows things at his trial from the beginning.
Judge: Krusty the Clown, how do you plead?Krusty: I plead guilty, your honor![The crowd gasps. Krusty's attorney whispers something to him.]Krusty: [laughing] Oh, sorry, I mean not guilty. Opening night jitters, your honor.[Krusty's attorney Face Palms.]
- Then there's his trial:
- Krusty: [nearly crying] Is it a crime to bet on sporting events?Attorney: Yes, it is!Krusty: [sheepishly] Oh. Sorry.
13. - Some Enchanted Evening
- "Leave Homer?!" "Don't use his name!" "Leave Pedro?!"
- The entire Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers Babysitting Service scene. Marge calls but the family is blacklisted from there because the kids are hellians. Homer calls back using the fake name "Sampson" just for the receptionist to badmouth the Simpsons, referring to Homer as the big ape father. Homer's facial expressions are hysterical.
Bart: You don't have a clue, do ya dad?Homer: [throws shaving cream at him] Out, boy! Out!Bart: [leaving] What a grump!
- Homer at the flower shop.
Homer: I'd like some flowers.Florist: What kind of flowers?Homer: Y'know, pretty ones. Not dead.Florist: We have some beautiful long-stem roses. They're $55 a dozen.Homer: One, please.
14. - Bart Gets an "F"
- Bart has a moment of regret after celebrating the fact that he passed his history test.
Bart: I passed, I passed, I... KISSED THE TEACHER! [spitting in disgust]
15. - Simpson and Delilah
- This dialogue:
Marge: I love you, Homer!Homer: I love you, Karl! Uh, Marge!
- The third thing Homer says to Bart that'll haunt him.
Homer: Baldness is hereditary!Bart: [worried] It is?
16. - Treehouse of Horrornote
A. - Bad Dream House
- Ominous Voice: They are all against you, Bart... You must kill them all... They all must die!Bart: Are you my conscience?Ominous Voice: I- Yes! I am...
Homer: [calling the estate agent] Mr. Bloot? Homer Simpson here. When you sold me this house, you forgot to mention one little thing: YOU DIDN'T TELL ME IT WAS BUILT ON AN INDIAN BURIAL GROUND! ... NO YOU DIDN'T! ... Well, that's not my recollection ... Yeah? Well, all right, goodbye! [hangs up] He said he mentioned it 5 or 6 times.
- The scene where the Ominous Voice threatens the family by describing how they will die in such gross and disturbing methods, which eventually angers Marge enough to suddenly screech:
Marge: SHUSH!! SHUT UP! Quit trying to push us around! Stop saying those horrible things and show some manners!Marge: ...Look. I've never been so angry. My hands are shaking.Homer: Better than your eyes bursting.
Bart: Hey, do the thing!Ominous Voice: What?Bart: Make the walls bleed!Ominous Voice: No!Bart: Hey come on, man! We own you!Ominous Voice: I don't have to entertain you!Bart: Hey come on! Do it! Do the blood thing! Come on, do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
B. - Hungry are the Damned
C. - The Raven
- There's an inherent silliness in having Homer as the main character of the poem's recreation, as he's reciting Edgar Allen Poe's lines in his Simpleton Voice. Until he gets so fed up with Bart!Raven and breaks character, yelling, "Why, you little!" He hits his head, and gets circling ravens going "Nevermore: over and over.
17. - Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish
- The song on Mr. Burns' campaign commercial: "Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote/For Monty Burns!"
- The state motto: "Not Just Another State"
- Bart's blasphemous prayer:
Bart: Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing. (gasps from everyone else)
18. - Dancin' Homer
- After Mr. Burns throws the first pitch in the baseball game, Homer and Bart heckle him.
Bart: Hey, you throw like my sister, man!Lisa: Yeah, you throw like me!
19. - Dead Putting Society
- Homer is so confident that Bart will win the miniature golf tournament that he places a written wager with Flanders, involving the loser's father mowing the winner's lawn in their respective wife's Sunday dress. At Flanders' insistence, Marge changes the loser part to say "the father of the boy who doesn't win". After Bart and Todd agree to a draw, Flanders believes it's a tie and they can put it behind them now. But Homer reminded them the wager is for the boy "who doesn't win", Flanders says they both have to get mowing. Lisa comments that she's going to need therapy in the future. Homer's plan backfires since Ned enjoys it, as it reminds him of his fraternity days. Homer can be heard muttering words of lament as the episode ends.
- Homer reads up Ned's apology letter to the family, ridiculing the ridiculously awkward lines with his children. Marge chides them all for laughing at Ned's attempt to apologise to Homer for the argument they had earlier and leaves the room... to hold back her own laughter.
20. - Bart vs. Thanksgiving
- Bart passes out in the gutter after donating blood on the bad side of town (and using Homer's driver's license to get away with it).
- "It's your fault America lost its way!"
21. - Bart the Daredevil
- Lance Murdock's failed stunt. He successfully jumps over a large tank of water full of sharks, electric eels, piranhas, alligators, and a lion but as he rests his bike at the top of the landing ramp and waves to the crowd he falls in. Then he tried to climb over the side, almost makes it and is pulled back in by the lion.
- Homer successfully stops Bart from jumping Springfield Gorge. However, he is standing on Bart's skateboard and rolls down the ramp where he is launched into the air over the big gap. All the kids gasp as he begins the jump.
Homer: I'm gonna make it. I'M GONNA MAKE IT! THIS IS THE GREATEST THRILL OF MY LIFE! I'M KING OF THE WORLD! WOO-HOO! WOO-HOO! I- [yelling] WHAAAAH!
- He falls down the gorge, hitting the rocky side multiple times along the way. When he lands at the bottom, the skateboard lands on Homer's head. The rescue workers inadvertently cause Homer to hit his head a few times on the way up. Being injured, Homer is put on to on a stretcher and into an ambulance. It starts to drive away and it hits a tree; Homer rolls out of the ambulance and falls back down the gorge. It is an iconic moment and one of the funniest in Simpsons' history.
- Even better: Years later, in The Movie, Homer and Bart go back to that location on a motorcycle in the climax and the ambulance is still there.
- The short scene immediately after shows Homer in the hospital bed next to daredevil Lance Murdock, saying one of the best lines in the show's history.
Homer: You think you've got guts? Try raising my kids.
22. - Itchy & Scratchy & Marge
- Maggie knocks out Homer in a parody of the shower scene from Psycho.
- "AND THE HORSE I RODE IN ON!?"
- During Marge's protest, she asks if anyone can sympathize with her about her daughter (Maggie) hitting her husband (Homer) on the head with a mallet. She gets chants from several fathers with bandages on their heads.
23. - Bart Gets Hit by a Car
- Mr. Burns invites Homer and Marge to his home in hopes of making a cash settlement, but first he offers some wine.
Mr. Burns: There's plenty more where that came from.Homer: Mr. Burns, are you trying to get me drunk?Mr. Burns: Yes.
24. - One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish
- Bart making a prank call to Moe's Tavern is funny, but what makes this one notable is that Homer is trying to call Marge at the moment. After Moe angrily hangs up on Bart, Homer comes back and laments "Oh, it was busy."
- When the Simpsons enter the sushi restaurant, the chefs greet them rather loudly, scaring the hell out of them. When a waitress explains that the chefs were just saying hello, Homer turns to the chefs (whose backs are turned) and shouts "HELLO!", scaring them as well.
- "Do not worry, sir, there is a map to the hospital on the back of the menu."
- Homer goes through all Five Stages of Grief in roughly 10 seconds.
Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson your progress astounds me.
- Homer asking Bart for a man-to-man talk. Bart takes it to mean he's going to get spanked.
25. - The Way We Was
- Bart pretends to gag and choke after Homer and Marge's heart-warming ending.
- Teenaged Homer tells teenaged Barney that he doesn't need English class because he's never going to go to England (funnier still when you realize that Homer would end up in England on the season 15 episode "The Regina Monologues".)
26. - Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment
- The rude cashier:
Marge: I ate 2 grapes, so you may charge me.Cashier: 2 grapes!? Are you kidding me?Marge: Just do it.Cashier: [sighs] Hey! I need a price check on 2 grapes. That's right, 2 measley stinkin' grapes! [all while Marge gives a 'are you happy now' look at Lisa, who gives a 'yes I am' look right back.]
27. - Principal Charming
- Bart's "Homer Sexual" prank call.
Moe: Is anyone here Homer Sexual!?Homer: Don't look at me.
28. - Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
- Bart sings an improvisational "Bastard, bastard" song after trying to defend the use of the word. (Bart was using it right in describing Herbert Powell, as Herbert was the product of a one-night stand between Grampa Abe Simpson [who was single at the time] and a dunk-tank carny who had sex with men for money.)
- Homer's proposed car The Homer is a truly absurd sight.
29. - Bart's Dog Gets an "F"
- The "Where Are They Now?" Epilogue shows what happened to the dogs after they graduated obedience school.
30. - Old Money
31. - Brush with Greatness
- Bart and Lisa pester Homer into taking the family to Mt. Splashmore after hearing Krusty's none-too-subtle song about it on TV.
- Homer gets stuck on the water slide at Mount Splashmore; The news broadcasts talk about Homer's weight.
- Also, Homer's swim trunks have a smiley face across the seat, but when he pulls them on, the smiley face turns to a frowny face.
32. - Lisa's Substitute
33. - The War of the Simpsons
- Grampa tricks the kids into cleaning the house by crying over being a bad babysitter.
- There's a flashback of how Bart scared off his first babysitter: by trying to run her down with the family car.
Bart: [sinister] Back for more?
- When Grandpa asks if the kids are sure they're allowed to have coffee, Bart snaps "for the last time, yes!".
- The weirdos at the bait shop describe Homer to a patron:
- Bait shop owner: If you ask me, and most people do, he's 100 if he's a day.Man: Has anyone ever caught him?Bait shop owner: One man came close. Name of Homer Simpson. Seven feet tall... with arms like tree trunks. And his eyes were like steel, cold and hard. Had a shock of hair, red, like the fires of Hell.
34. - Three Men and a Comic Book
- The Comic Book Guy's sarcasm is funnier here than it would be in later episodes.
- Marge tells Homer to check on Bart and his friends, as they're in the treehouse and it's beginning to storm. Homer lazily looks out the window as lightning strikes the tree and says, "They're fine."
- Bart asks the actor who used to play Fallout Boy in the Radioactive Man TV show if the ghost of Radioactive Man's actor, Dirk Richter, haunts the bordello the police found his bullet-riddled body in. Said actor breaks down in tears and tells the audience to leave Richter alone, which just confuses the audience of con goers.
35. - Blood Feud
- The beginning of the episode has the mayor introduce a sign to keep people informed of what is happening at the nuclear plant and what to do.
Radiation Leak = Roll-up windowsMeltdown = Flee CityCore Explosion = Repent Sins
- Homer's reaction to the last one. "Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there's no power to go to that sign."
- Homer poses as Mr. Burns at the Springfield Post Office to reclaim a very insulting letter he wrote to him earlier.
Homer: [using fake voicenote ] Hello. My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.Clerk: OK, Mr. Burns. What's your first name?Homer: [still using fake voice; Beat] ...I don't know![cut to Homer and Bart outside the Post Office]Homer: [sarcastically] Great plan, Bart.
- This comment from Mr. Burns, after reading Homer's letter:
Mr. Burns: I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... Oh, what the hell, I'll just crush him like an ant.
- Homer's letter to Mr. Burns:
Dear Mr. Burns,
I'm so glad you enjoyed my son's blood. And your card was just great. In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You... Stink! You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy with bony girl-arms, and you smell like an elephant's butt.
- When Marge tries to calm down Homer when he gets angry about getting only a thank you card from Mr. Burns,
Homer: Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a world of make-believe. With flowers and bells and leprechauns, and magic frogs with funny little hats.Bart: Yeah, Mom. We got hosed!
36. - Stark Raving Dad
- The mental patient who thinks he's Michael Jackson (with the real Michael Jackson providing his speaking voice; Kipp Lennon did his singing voice on the "Lisa It's Your Birthday" sequence), makes a phone call to Bart, who is understandably incredulous that the person on the other end is Jackson:
"Michael": It's true. I'm with your father in a mental institution.Bart: Uh-huh. And is Elvis with you?"Michael": He could be. It's a big hospital.
- This bit:
Bart: Mom, Dad's in a mental hospital!Marge: Oh, dear. Mother was right.
- When Michael introduces Homer to The Chief from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, saying he hasn't said a word in years.
Homer: Hiya Chief!Chief: Hello. *Doctors crowd around him all amazed* ...well no one tried to open up to me.
- Homer talks to Bart on the telephone as he's in the mental hospital.
Homer: [on the phone with Bart] Boy! When I get home I'm gonna wrap my hands around your neck and... [sees asylum doctors looking at him questioningly] ...and smother you with kisses.Bart: Geez, Dad, whatever they have you on, cut the dose.
- Marge tries to convince one of the hospital doctors to release Homer.
Marge: If you'd just talk to my husband for five minutes without mentioning our son, Bart, you'd realize how sane he is.Doctor: You mean there really is a Bart?! Good Lord!
37. - Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington
- The airplane scene shows Bart in the cockpit.
Pilot: The controls on the plane are similar to the ones on your bicycle. So, do you wanna see where we hang up our coats?Bart: No thanks. I'd rather just push this button.Pilot: No! [Bart pushes it, oxygen masks fall out of compartments over passengers]Homer: [screams] We're all gonna die! [Passengers scream as the plane lands]
- The Simpsons tour Washington D.C.:
Homer: [On a balcony seeing money being pressed] Oh, money... [drools]Worker: [Homer's drool lands on his head.] Hey! Watch it, chief!
- Visiting the Smithsonian:
Marge: Oh look, Homer! It's the IRS.Homer: BOOO!IRS agent: [peeks out of window] Oh, boo yourself.
- The IRS:
[Bart is inside the cockpit of an airplane, pretending to fly it and making sound effects.]Homer: Bart! Get out of the "Spirit of St. Louis!"[Bart ignores him and continues to make sound effects.]
- The National Air and Space Museum:
- The pianist at the contest annoys Bart so much he finally slingshots him while singing a song about Lisa.
Lisa: Bart!Bart: Lise, you taught me to stand up for what I believe in.
38. - When Flanders Failed
- Bart tries to fight back against Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney when the trio are harassing Lisa. The trouble is, Bart skipped out on all of his karate lessons and only knows how to do "The Touch of Death" from playing video games.
39. - Bart the Murderer
- Fat Tony "explains" to Bart how hijacking a truckload of cigarettes isn't wrong.
Bart: Are you guys crooks?Fat Tony: Say Bart, is it wrong for a man to steal a loaf of bread to feed his starving family?Bart: No.Fat Tony: Suppose you have a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them?Bart: Uh-uh.Fat Tony: And say your family don't like bread, they like... cigarettes.Bart: I guess that's OK.Fat Tony: And what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart?Bart: ...Hell no!Fat Tony: Enjoy your present.
- Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this city. He is a cancer, and I am the... uh... What cures cancer?
40. - Homer Defined
- As the plant is about to catastrophically melt down, Mr. Burns is putting on an advanced radiation suit while Smithers stands by.
Smithers: Sir, where's my radiation suit?Mr. Burns: [annoyed] Oh, how the hell should I know?
- The suit is clearly labelled "Smithers" by the way.
- Also, Smithers says something to Mr. Burns only seconds away from the meltdown.
Smithers: There may never be another chance to say: "I love you, sir."Mr. Burns: Oh, hot dog. Thanks for making my last moments on Earth socially awkward.
41. - Like Father, Like Clown
- This exchange:
Lisa: We've come to talk to you about your son.Rabbi Krustofski: I have no son! [slams the door]Bart: Rats. We came all this way and it's the wrong guy.Rabbi Krustofski: [opens door] I didn't mean that literally! [slams door again]
- Lisa: A man that envies our family is a man in need of help.
42. - Treehouse of Horror IInote
- Jimbo and Kearney threaten to egg Homer's house if Homer doesn't give them any candy — and they still egg the house just because they're jerks.
A. - The Monkey's Pawnote
- Homer tries to make a wish that can't backfire with the monkey's paw.
Homer: I want a turkey sandwich on rye bread with lettuce and mustard and and I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises. Got it?[A turkey sandwich appears and Homer eats it.]Homer: Not bad. Nice hot bread, good mustard, the turkey's a little dry- The turkey's a little dry! Oh, what foul demon from the depths of hell created thee?
B. - The Bart Zonenote
- Bart's class is taught different material in school.
Edna: Well, class, the course of history has been changed once again, in accordance with the answers on Bart Simpson's test. America was now discovered in 1942 by some guy, and our country isn't called America anymore. It's Bonerland.
- And then later in the episode the sign on Dr. Marvin Monroe's door proclaims him to be a member of the Bonerland Medical Association.
- Bart's powers force Krusty to stay on TV constantly.
Krusty: Well, we're still on. 346 consecutive hours, and all because of one little boy who... who WON'T LET ME STOP!! Anyway, now let's go over and see if Sideshow Mel has any more of those legal, over-the-counter wake-up drugs of his!
Otto: "Hey, this is fun, isn't it?! We're gonna die, aren't we?!"
- "Oh, good! The curtains are on fire!"
- "The ball is turning into a fat, bald man! And it's no good!"
- Otto's reaction to Bart driving the bus:
- Bart changes Homer back into a human after they bond and sharing a lot of heartwarming moments... and then Bart wakes up from his dream screaming his head off.
C. - If I Only Had a Brainnote
- Homer gets a job as a grave digger... on the night that Mr. Burns and Smithers are searching for a brain to implant into their new robot.
Mr. Burns: Hello! An open grave! Smithers, get him out quickly; the stench is overpowering.Smithers: Uh, sir? That's Homer Simpson... [scoff] he wasn't exactly a "model employee."Mr. Burns: Well, who is a model...[Death Glare] employee?[Smithers' head vanishes, replaced with just a floating brain wearing glasses]Smithers: [panicking] Simpson will do just fine, sir![Smithers drags the bag with Homer in it over rocks, etc., making him moan in pain.]Smithers: Did you hear that, sir?Mr. Burns: No, I didn't. Who is it? Frankenstein? The booger man?!Smithers: It's the man in the bag, sir; I think he's alive!Mr. Burns: [walks over to the bag, wielding a shovel] Bad corpse! [thwack] Bad corpse! [thwack] Stop! [thwack] Scaring! [thwack] Smithers! [Homer whimpers inside the bag, now out cold] Satisfied?Smithers: Thank you, sir.
- Mr. Burns is removing Homer's brain from his head so it can be placed into the robot.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, hand me that ice cream scoop.Smithers: Ice cream scoop?Mr. Burns: Damn it, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!
"Every bone... shattered. Organs... leaking vital fluids. Slight headache. Loss of appetite."
- "Well, now that I've saved the world maybe I oughta spruce-up the ol' homestead!"
- "Look at me! I'm Davy Crockett!"
- Burns describing his symptoms, after the robot fell on top of him:
43. - Lisa's Pony
- Bart performs a "Boy of 1,000 Voices" act at the talent show, which makes him the boy with 1,000 daysnote detention.
- Homer hints around the idea of purchasing a horse (for Lisa) to Marge right before they go to sleep.
Marge: You sound like you're going to buy a pony. Promise me you won't.Homer: Mm.Marge: What was that? Was that a "yes" or a "no"?Homer: Ba.Marge: [angrily] Those aren't even words!Homer: Sna. [Marge groans and shuts off the light; Homer grins happily in the dark.]
- Bart mocks Homer's effeminate tea-party mannerisms while Homer is playing with Lisa, and the 2 get chased down by Homer.
- Homer is tired from working the graveyard shift at the Kwik-E-Mart. He parks the car in the garage and walks upstairs to the bedroom where he falls asleep for less than 2 seconds. As the alarm clock rings, Homer shuts it off and gets back up.
- Lisa barely eats any of the humongous ice cream sundae Homer bought her.
Lisa: I'm done.Homer: Aww, that cost $80!
- This dialogue:
Mr. Burns: [laughs evilly] [cough cough] I was just thinking of something funny Smithers did.Smithers: I didn't do anything funny today.Mr. Burns: [whispers] Shut up.
- And this:
Bart: How come Lisa gets a pony?Homer: Because she doesn't love me.Bart: I don't love you! Give me a moped!Homer: I know you love me, so you don't get squat.
- Homer explains to Marge about his new job. Then, the kids react.
[cut to the kids at the kitchen table, they hear a loud thump]Bart: Oh my God, she killed him![the kids run to the living room and see Homer asleep]
44. - Saturdays of Thunder
- Bart initially makes his first cart, complete with Homer's absolute obliviousness as to why his son is asking for power tools, capped off by him yelling "BART! You can't weld with such a little flame! Stupid kid." as he and Lisa leave for the video store.
- Martin crashes into the wall and catches fire during the soap box derby race. A rescue crew puts out the fire on the racer as Martin runs screaming.
- Barney gets pepper-sprayed after asking Patty and Selma if either of them is Mary Tyler Moore.
- Nelson is told not to smoke in the pit area and he extinguishes the cigarette using his tongue.
- The sheer out-of-nowhere bizarreness that is the "Underwater Parenting" test and its shark-induced failure.
45. - Flaming Moe's
- The Flaming Moe song:
When the weight of the world has got you downAnd you want to end your lifeBills to pay, a dead end jobAnd problems with your wifeWell don't throw in the towel cause there'sA place right down the blockWhere you can drink your miseries awayAt Flaming Moe's (let's all go Flaming Moe's)Where Liquor in a mugCan warm you like a hugAnd happiness is just a Flaming Moe awayHappiness is just a Flaming Moe away
- Homer exaggerates what Marge tells him in the bedroom.
Marge: Maybe you could take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.Homer: Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I am the magical man from happy land! In a gumdrop house on lollipop laaaaaaane! [storms out, then sticks his head back in] Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic!Marge: Well, duh.
- Bart's prank call to Flaming Moe's backfires.
Hugh Jass: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
46. - Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerknote
- Homer's Dream Sequence in "The Land of Chocolate" is an absolute classic. Just the sheer childlike joy he radiates as he munches on everything in sight (including a chocolate Scottish terrier) is enough to induce helpless giggling.
[Homer is still singing and daydreaming]Hans: Mr. Simpson...? Mr. Simpson...?Fritz: [angrily] Mr. Simpson!Homer: [snapping out] Oh, I'm sorry. We were talking about chocolate?Fritz: That was 10 minutes ago!
- Mr. Burns' reaction to the amount of money he'll get by selling the plant.
- Burns' prolonged routine of pretending to be scared of the Germans, as they stand there and ineffectually tell him to stop.
- Homer's line of "I own stock?!?" after his stock broker calls him.
47. - I Married Marge
- Homer and Marge leave the cinema after seeing Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back.
Homer: Wow, what an ending! Who would have ever guessed that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father?[Everyone in line starts complaining]Man Waiting To See The Film: Thanks a lot, Mr. Blow-The-Movie-For-Me!
- Baby Bart's first act of random destruction is setting Homer's tie on fire.
Homer: WHY YOU LITTLE— He did that on purpose!Marge: Homer, how could he? He's only 10 minutes old!
- Dr. Hibbert's horrified reaction upon learning Homer's now a nuclear technician.
- Homer yells, "D'oh!" (and a man in traction shares in his pain) after Dr. Hibbert implies that Marge is pregnant.
48. - Radio Bart
- Bart sticks a "Property of Bart Simpson" label on Homer's butt after Homer tells Bart not to use the microphone/radio set for pranks. A very nice visual stealth pun of the phrase, "Your ass is mine" (or "...belongs to me.")
49. - Lisa the Greek
- The lame Super Bowl half-time show, which just consists of guys in alien costumes singing "Rock Around the Clock".
Bart: Oh, this sucks. Come on, snipers, where are you?
50. - Homer Alone
- Homer gets attacked by Santa's Little Helper while trying to cheer Maggie up with a puppet show.
- Lisa says "Wish I thought of that." after seeing Maggie clutch to the door upon learning that she will be staying with Patty and Selma while Marge is on vacation.
51. - Bart the Lover
- Homer makes contributions to the Swear Jar; every time he swears, he has to put in a quarter. This starts a montage of scenes in which he can't control his swearing:
[In church, Homer blindly puts money into a collection plate]Bart: Homer, that was a 20!Homer: [pause] DA—![Jump Cut to him dropping 2 coins into the jar.][While bowling, the last pin fails to fall over]Homer: Oh, you son of a—![Jump Cut to him dropping more change into the jar.][Homer sees Ned Flanders after being suggested by Homer to shave his mustache while taking out the trash.]Ned: Hey Homer! You know, I owe you one, buddy! No sooner than I shaved off the ol' cookie-duster that a lady cast me in a commercial! [checks mail] I tell you, the way these checks keep coming it, it's almost criminal.Homer: [after Ned walks away] YOU DIRTY BAS—![Jump Cut to him dropping even more change into the jar.][Homer finishes building a very shoddy dog house. It doesn't have a door.]Homer: Whaddya think, Lisa?Lisa: How's the dog supposed to get in?Homer: Well, he just goes...[pause] Awwwwww—[Jump Cut to him dropping still more change into the jar.][Homer is asleep in a hammock. Out of nowhere, a beehive falls down and on to his stomach.]Homer: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—[Jump Cut to a badly stung hand dropping a huge pile of change into the jar.]
- A little later, Homer is building the doghouse and smacks his thumb with a hammer.
Homer: Oh. Fudge. That's... broken. [He turns around and steps on a nail, which goes through his foot and sticks out of the top of his shoe.] Fiddle-dee-dee. That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear, but I am going to... KICK THIS DOGHOUSE DOWN! [He does just that, with his 'injured' foot]
- The whole family composes a letter to Mrs. Krabappel explaining why "Woodrow" (a fake man Bart made up to screw with her after he saw her personal ad) can't see her again. They come up with a lot of rejected ideas. Bart's and Homer's are the funniest ones, from Bart suggesting that "crocodiles bit off my face," to Homer repeatedly pitching "3 simple words: I am gay."
- Homer's drunken post card:
Maybe it's the beer talking Marge, but you've got a butt that won't quit. They've got these giant pretzels eegaaafooa beer $5? Get out of here.
52. - Homer at the Bat
- Barney Gumble gets into an argument with Wade Boggs.
Barney: And I say England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!Barney: LORD PALMERSTON!Boggs: PITT! THE! ELDER!Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs! [he punches out Boggs]Moe: Yeah, that's showin' 'im, Barn! 'Pitt the Elder'...Barney: LORD PALMERSTON! [he punches out Moe]
- The professional players go through mishaps, including what happens to Ozzie Smith.
- Mr. Burns constantly getting on Don Mattingly for sideburns only he can see. Even after Mattingly completely shaves both sides of his head, Burns still claims to see them and boots him off the team despite already having lost seven other ringers.
Mattingly: I still like him better than [George] Steinbrenner.
- Homer wins the game for his team by getting hit in the head with the baseball. Then there's the team's victory photo (which closes out the episode). We see the professional players all reflecting their predicaments (such as Ozzie Smith being a ghost, and Ken Griffey Jr. and his gigantism), and an unconscious Homer lying down face-first.
- The Umpire explaining the rules when the SNPP plays the Springfield Police.
Umpire: Ok, let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.Chief Wiggum: Hey, we know how to play softball!
53. - Separate Vocations
- During a montage of Bart acting as Hall Monitor, he proves to Principal Skinner that Nelson wrote a note from his mother excusing his absence.
Seymour: Forgery! So he didn't have leprosy.
54. - Dog of Death
- This conversation between Mr. Burns and Smithers.
Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.Mr. Burns: Nonsense, dogs are idiots. Think about it Smithers, if I came into your room and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?Smithers: Umm...if you did it, sir?
- Kent Brockman wins the lottery on the air during the newscast.
Kent: [reading his numbers] 38? 49? Oh my God. I won. I WON!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [spins around in his chair] Ahem. Recapping our top story, the winner of the state lottery is... me, Kent Brockman. Can we get a shot of me? [an image Kent spinning around in his chair is posted] There ya go. In other news... [clearly disinterested] tragic mishap today in Cleveland.... many people killed..... ummmm........ goodbye! [runs off]
- Homer and Marge discuss about Kent Brockman.
Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.Marge: What's that?Homer: A dinosaur.
- When Homer is upset about not being able to buy lottery tickets because he needs to afford the dog's operation, he has an Imagine Spot of what would happen if he won the lottery. Somehow, he thinks winning the lottery will result in him becoming gigantic, golden, and covered in jewels and being made King of Springfield.
- Upon losing the lottery
Grampa: Sigh, I knew we wouldn't win...Homer: Well, why didn't you tell the rest of us? [beat] WHY DID YOU KEEP IT A SECRET?!
55. - Colonel Homer
- Homer is not used to compliments.
Lurleen: Oh Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar.Homer: Thanks! You did say sugar, right?
- Another example:
Homer: Guess what, Lurleen. I got you a gig on TV!Lurleen: Oh, Homer! You're as smart as you are handsome!Homer: [angrily] Hey! Oh, you meant that as a compliment.
- Lurleen wants Homer to be her manager.
Homer: Really? Well, I should warn you, I'm not great with figures.Lurleen: That's okay.Homer: I make a lot of stupid decisions.Lurleen: Nobody's perfect.Homer: I did bad in school.Lurleen: I didn't even go.Homer: My personal hygeine has been described as...
- Marge first meets Lurleen.
Marge: You told me she was fat.Homer: Marge, it takes 2 to lie: one to lie and one to listen.
56. - Black Widower
- Sideshow Bob gives a "review" of MacGyver to Selma.
Bob: No, Selma, this is lying: "Well, that was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch!" (The withering sarcasm of Kelsey Grammer and the hilarious poses Bob goes through make for a great combination.)
- Bob can't resist taking a shot at Krusty after winning the "Best Children's TV Sidekick" Emmy while still in prison, and Krusty gives it right back to him: "This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!" "Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!" "No-talent shill!" "Second banana!" "Panderer!" "Bore!" Then Bob has to be restrained and sedated by the guards.
- When Bob is describing how the overcrowded prison cells reduced him and the other cons to mere animals, cut to Bob in one such cell.
Bob: Who took my chapstick?Offscreen Voice: Oh sorry. Here. [hands it back]Bob: I don't want it.
- I'll be back! You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever! And when they get in, I'm back on the streets! With all my criminal buddies!
57. - The Otto Show
- The entire first half with Spinal Tap. "We salute you, our half-inflated dark lord!"
- Otto's drives madly to school after his impromptu concert (which includes crashing into Spinal Tap's bus, none of the police officers bothering to get the license number of the bus as it crashed through a police picnic, and all the bystanders rushing to pay phones after seeing the "How Am I Driving?" bumper sticker on the detached bumper). This is followed by his explanation to Principal Skinner and the cops that he doesn't have a license or wears his own underwear.
- Otto mistakes Marge's sister Patty for a male-to-female transsexual.
Otto: Have you always been a chick? I-I don't want to offend you, but you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me. I'm open-minded. [Patty quickly discards the green pen used for correct answers.]
- Otto studies for his driver's test.
Otto: Alcohol increases your ability to drive. [flips to answer key] False?! Oh, man!
- Patty tells Otto that he failed every segment of his driver's test, and misspelled "bus" on his application.
58. - Bart's Friend Falls in Love
- The entire Raiders of the Lost Ark parody at the beginning, complete with Homer acting out the roles of both the giant boulder and the natives from the beginning of the film.
- The "Homer Sez: Increase Your Wordiness" still features Homer-esque definitions for words he used in the subplot where Marge tries to order him a subliminal weight-loss tape, but the company sends him a vocabulary builder tape.
- Marge has an Imagine Spot of Homer's funeral, in which Homer had to be buried in a piano crate because of how obese he is. The crate ends up crushing everyone mourning his loss.
Marge: [sobbing] I wish they had never invented fried cheese!
- His tombstone shows how much he weighed when he was born and his weight at the time when he died instead of his date of birth and date of death, also adding to the humor.
59. - Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?
- Homer is getting a physical exam at the power plant.
Doctor: This can't be right, this man has 104% body fat...Hey, no eating in the tub!Homer: [nonchalantly] Go to Hell.
- Herb shows up at the Simpsons' front door.
Herb: What am I going to say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions, how to express them?[Homer opens the door]Homer: Herb? [Herb punches Homer]
- A little bit later:
Herb: Sorry, Homer, but I'm still mad at you. Every word you say makes me want to punch you in the face!Homer: Well, while you're a guest in my house could you just kick me in the butt?Herb: I'll try, but I'm not making any promises!
- This exchange between Homer and Herb:
Homer: I can't believe we blew 2,000 bucks on this, when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks!Herb: Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass?!Homer: I try, but it's hard...
- Herb goes bankrupt in a game of Monopoly. Homer pokes fun at him about it and gets punched in the face for his troubles.
- And at the end:
Herb: And Maggie, the one who helped me reclaim my fortune, I'll give you anything your heart desires.Maggie: [baby gibberish]Translator: I want what the dog's eating. [cut to a shot of Santa's Little Helper eating from his dish]Homer: D'oh!
60. - Kamp Krusty
- At the start of the episode, Bart has a dream about Principal Skinner telling everyone to tear down the school to "School's Out" by Alice Cooper.
- Bart and Lisa talk to Homer and Marge before leaving on the bus for camp.
Bart: Don't look in my closet. In fact, stay out of my room altogether.Lisa: [yelling from the bus] If the pets die, don't replace them, I'll know!
- Lisa: [writing a letter to home] I no longer fear hell, for I have been to Kamp Krusty.
- The tyrannical Mr. Black dines with Jimbo, Dolph, and Kearney.
Mr. Black: [toasting] Gentleman, to evil!
- The "Kamp Krusty" theme montage features a frog leaping from Lisa's bowl of gruel, Bart falling into a ditch while trying to catch a pop fly, and a random kid at the camp infirmary getting cigarette smoke blown in his face by the nurse (who just used his cast to light the match).
- Bart and Lisa are not enjoying Kamp Krusty at all.
Lisa: Bart, I think we're going to die.Bart: We're all gonna die Lis.Lisa: I meant soon!Bart: [sadly] So did I.
- This bit, at the weight loss part of camp:
Drill sergeant instructor: All right, you balls of pan-drippings! I wanna see Crisco coming out of those pores! (walks up to Martin) We're not leaving... until this Christmas HAM!... gives me a pull-up.
- Homer and Marge hear of the hostile takeover of Kamp Krusty on the news. When they see Bart has become the ringleader, Homer (who had spent the entire summer completely stress-free and had gotten into notably better shape) yells out, "D'OH!", and immediately, his newly grown hair falls from his head, and his gut expands to his pre-summer shape.
- Krusty reacts to Bart's grievances.
Bart: Krusty, this camp was a nighmare! They fed us gruel, they forced us to make wallets for export, and one of the campers was eaten by a bear!Krusty: Oh my God! [breaks down sobbing]Bart: ...actually, the bear just ate his hat.Krusty: [collected] Was it a nice hat?Bart: Oh yeah.Krusty: Oh my God! [breaks down sobbing again]
61. - A Streetcar Named Marge
- Marge goes crazy and almost knocks Ned over after being fueled by Homer being a boorish jerk to her.
- Jon Lovitz's entire performance as Llewelyn Sinclair, but especially his powerhouse introduction: "The review-'Play Enjoyed By ALL'-speaks for itself!"
- Following his introduction, there's Marge's reaction.
Marge: (hrrms) Maybe I should've taken that Japanese calligraphy class...Chief Wiggum: Oh, forget it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.Sinclair: Quiet!
- Following his introduction, there's Marge's reaction.
- The Ayn Rand Daycare Center for Tots, operated by Sinclair's sister, also voiced by Lovitz.
Ms. Sinclair: Mrs. Simpson, do you know what a baby is saying when she reaches for a bottle?Marge: "Ba-ba?"Ms. Sinclair: She's saying "I am a leech!" Our goal here is to develop the bottle within.Marge: (Hrrms)Ms. Sinclair: Mrs. Simpson, I don't mean to toot my own horn, but we're the only daycare center in town that is not presently under investigation by the state.
62. - Homer the Heretic
- While skipping church, Homer pours pancake batter, caramels and liquid smoke into a waffle iron, wraps it around a stick of butter, and eats it like a burrito.
Homer: Mmmm, fattening...
- TV Announcer: We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you...a football game.
- The Flanders family tries to convince Homer to return to church. They practically stalk him while singing "God Said To Noah," which turns into an action-movie-style car chase that ends with Homer on a garbage barge.
- Ned drags Homer's unconscious body upstairs away from the flames and tosses him out the window onto a perfectly positioned mattress below; Unfortunately for him, Homer bounce right off the mattress and back into the house.
- The Flanders' house briefly catching fire (with Homer pointing out that Ned Flanders is a regular Joe Church and God is letting his house burn), only for a rain storm to put out the flames.
- Ned tells Homer that he saved him from the house fire because Homer would have done the same for him. Homer then imagines himself lazily lying in a hammock and laughing at Ned as he yells for help from his flaming house.
- Kent Brockman's report on the fire:
Brockman: Fire: Man's oldest foe. Insatiable, remorseless, unquenchable.
Wiggum: Hey, it's out!
Brockman: Coming up next, which work better: Springy clothespins or the other kind?
- On the way to the Simpson's house, the volunteer fire department are stalled by ducks crossing a road. Dozens of them. Apu's reaction sells it.
Apu: You ducks are really trying my patience! ... but you're so cute.
63. - Lisa the Beauty Queen
- At the school carnival, Groundskeeper Willie trying to sell haggis from his stand (which looks like it's nowhere near the school carnival).
- Otto cranks up the speed on a Rocket Spinner ride; the car flies off and crashes into the school. Otto then tells Bart that he's going to Mexico until this blows over and is chased by an angry mob.
- Milhouse goes into a shoddily-built haunted house that turns out to be a shed with the 3 bullies (Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney) standing under a bare light bulb, getting ready to beat Milhouse up. When Milhouse steps out, Bart steps in, thinking that it's a regular haunted house.
- Lisa is crowned "Little Miss Springfield" (after the actual winner gets struck by lightning). A new wax figure is created in the Springfield Wax Museum. The problem is the curators just stuck Lisa's head on a wax statue of Dr. Ruth. The funny part is that Dr. Ruth's head now resides in the Chamber of Horrors next to Mr. T and Ronald Reagan.
- Lisa claims that college football diverts necessary resources from education and the arts, which causes 4 stereotypical nerds to chase a football team off of the field.
64. - Treehouse of Horror IIInote
A. - Clown Without Pity
- Homer is buying the cursed doll:
Shop Keeper: Take this object. But beware, it carries a terrible curse.Homer: Oh, that's bad.Shop Keeper: But it comes with a free frogurt!Homer: That's good!Shop Keeper: The frogurt is also cursed.Homer: Oh, that's bad.Shop Keeper: But you get your choice of topping!Homer: That's good!Shop Keeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate. [Homer stares blankly] That's bad.Homer: Can I go now?
- The Krusty doll advances on Homer, laughing evilly but then stops and sees his pull cord has run out. He motions for Homer to pull it back out. Homer does.
- Homer tells Marge about the Krusty doll attacking him.
Homer: Marge! The doll's trying to kill me and the toaster's been laughing at me!
- The Krusty doll attempts to kill Homer while he's in the tub and Homer runs naked and screaming through the kitchen, where his wife and his sisters-in-law are having lunch.
Patty: There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.
- This particular moment becomes Hilarious in Hindsight when the Season 16 episode "There's Something About Marrying" revealed that Patty was a lesbian.
- The revelation that the Krusty doll is evil because of a switch on its back and not because of a horrible curse.
- The Krusty doll becomes Homer's slave.
- Home subduing the Krusty doll with some of his old socks.
B. - King Homer
- Smithers had just knocked out King Homer with a gas bomb:
Mr. Burns: Excellent work, Smithers! When we get back, I'm giving you a raise! [King Homer eats Smithers in his sleep;Beat] ...Oh, well.
- Mr. Burns sings "I was strolling through the gas one day..." after trying to throw a gas bomb, only to lob it near his feet.
- All of Barney's lines, but especially his response to the unveiling of King Homer: "Wow! Look at the size of that platform!"
- King Homer eats Shirley Temple during her performance of "On the Good Ship Lollipop".
- King Homer has broken free and starts a rampage.
Mr. Burns: I'm dreading the reviews, I can tell you that.Marge: [sees Homer outside] Oh hi, Homie!
- King Homer has fallen 3 stories.
Marge: He's not dead!Mr. Burns: No, but his career is. I remember when Al Jolson ran amok at the Winter Garden and climbed the Chrysler building. After that, he couldn't even get arrested in this town.
C. - Dial 'Z' for Zombies
- The zombies have risen from the grave so Bart and Lisa urgently tell Homer.
Bart & Lisa: Dad, dad we've done something terrible!Homer: Did you crash the car?Bart & Lisa: No.Homer: Did you raise the dead?Bart & Lisa: Yes.Homer: But the car's OK?Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.Homer: All right, then.
- Also this moment, which is said to be Matt Groening's favorite line:
Bart: Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!Homer: He was a zombie?
- Homer attempts a Heroic Sacrifice, only for this to happen: the zombies go over to Homer saying "Brains!" in Simpleton Voices. Then they tap his head, only to find nothing. They then agrily shout "BRAINS!" and move away from him. The icing on the cake is how hurt and offended Homer looks afterward.
- Homer twirls a lever-action shotgun and simultaneously cocks it, shouting "TO THE BOOK DEPOSITORY!" upon learning the family has to head for the school library. Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome just for being so badass.
- Krusty is attacked by a zombified Sideshow Mel. This is followed by a We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties sign.
Zombie Krusty: To enter, send me your parents' brains, or write "Parents' Brains" on a 3x5 card and send it to...
65. - Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie
- Marge has an Imagine Spot of Bart as a fat, sleazy male stripper who gets booed at by his "adoring" female fans and lies moaning under the garish disco lights after someone hurls a bottle at his head.
- Homer threatens to put his dad in the "crooked home [he] saw on 60 Minutes" if he doesn't start making sense (though some episodes do depict the Springfield Retirement Castle as a crooked assisted living home like the ones Homer saw on "60 Minutes", especially with Homer's line about the nurses stealing Grampa's money and "the thing" on Grampa's neck getting bigger)
- Homer attempts to punish Bart.
Homer: Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.Abe: Oh, this is going to be sweet.Marge: No, no, no!Abe: Aw...
- Abe tries to get his friend Jasper's teeth out of the glass (in the aftermath of Bart breaking Grampa's teeth) while he sleeps. Jasper wakes up and draws a gun on him.
Jasper: Well, well, if it isn't the Tooth Fairy.
- Homer's advice to Bart about how to get out of jury duty: "The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."
- A possible explanation to Homer's intelligence:
Homer: You know, when I was your age I wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get one for me, so I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.Bart: Dad, what is the point of this story?Homer: I like stories.
- There is a Cutaway Gag of Al Capone dancing the Charleston on top of a flagpole. He falls off.
66. - Marge Gets a Job
- Bart falls out his bedroom window after Homer tells Marge that the sinking foundation isn't that big of a problem in their house.
- Bart sets up the house (whose foundation is sinking) as a sideshow called The Slanty Shanty. He introduces Homer as "Cue Ball: The Man Who No Hair."
- Lionel Hutz freaks out and runs after seeing Mr. Burns' squad of 10 high-priced, professional lawyers. Then Homer opens Lionel's briefcase he forgot to take with him.
Homer: Hey, he left his briefcase behind. [opens it] It's full of shredded newspapers.
67. - New Kid on the Block
- As Bart is sneaking around in the Powers' basement, he meets Laura right after fainting.
Bart's Brain: She's beautiful. Say something clever.Bart: I fell on my bottom.Bart's Brain: D'oh!
- Laura mind-screws Dolph and Kearney by implying that they're gay.
Kearney: Hey, baby, how 'bout puttin' your finger in my ear?Laura: Well, I don't know. Your boyfriend looks like the jealous type.Kearney: Hey, what the...?!Dolph: That chick's messin' with our minds!Kearney: Let's get outta here!
- Homer orders a pizza during his trial against not getting his fill at The Frying Dutchman's "All You Can Eat Buffet."
- Homer and Captain McAllister reach a deal which involves Homer being put to work as a sideshow freak (Bottomless Pete: The Man Who Can't Stop Eating, a.k.a. Nature's Cruelest Mistake) for the Frying Dutchman. As Homer is busy eating, people are watching through the window and a random man says "I heard they shaved a gorilla."
68. - Mr. Plow
- Homer doesn't want to tell the Insurance Officer what Moe's Tavern really is.
Insurance Officer: Now this place, Moe's, you left before the accident, this is some kind of business?Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar. [gasp] But what else is open at night?Homer's Brain: Heh, heh. I would've never thought of that.
- The wind blows off Barney's diaper (leaving him naked), and he runs after it.
- Every moment with Adam West.
Adam West: I never needed plastic molding to improve my physique. [taps chest] Pure West. And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi? [He begins dancing and grunting rhythmically while a disturbed Homer, Bart, and Lisa back away slowly.]
- During Homer's commercial, Bart asks Homer if his service is legal.
Homer: [smiling] My prices are so low, you'll think I've suffered brain damage!Bart: You are fully licensed and bonded by the city, aren't you Mr. Plow?Homer: [stops smiling, talks out of the corner of his mouth] Shut up, boy.[Homer growls angrily at Bart as they watch the commercial on TV]Homer: So, [cue jingle] "Call Mr. Plow. That's my name. That name again is Mr. Plow."
- Homer talks to a female customer about shoving snow off her driveway.
Woman: Could you make sure not to scrape my asphalt?Homer: [muttering] Kiss my asphalt...
- Homer reassures Marge his plow truck will be safe as he goes to rescue Barney.
Homer: Don't worry, this baby's as surefooted as a mountain goat. [Cut to nearby mountain goat, which slips off a cliff repeatedly.]
- Homer has a hair-raising trip across a rickety wooden bridge, during which he sees a full, stable suspension bridge a short distance away that he could have used and says, "D'oh!".
- Homer rescues Barney from the snowy mountain and apologizes for tricking him. They agree to be partners.
Homer: With 2 friends working together, not even God can stop us.God: Oh no? [the snow instantly melts]
69. - Lisa's First Word
- Homer tells baby Lisa that he opened a college fund for her at Lincoln Savings and Loan (which infamously shut down in the 1980s). This is followed by Homer dismissing Marge's fears that Bart will be jealous of his new baby sister with: "Yeah, well, Bart can kiss my hairy, yellow butt!"
- Grampa Simpson reveals that he won his house during the 1950s quiz show scandal by ratting out everybody and getting away with it.
- Infant Bart refuses to address Homer properly.
Bart: Homer!Homer: Homer's what grown-ups call me. Call me Daddy.Bart: Homer.Homer: Daddy.Bart: Homer.Homer: Daddy!Bart: Da-da-da... Domer! [chuckles]Homer: Why you little—! [strangles Bart]
- Bart flushing Homer's wallet (and later his keys) after Homer says that he's got his nose.
- Baby Lisa does the same thing infant Bart did earlier, even after naming everything else correctly.
Homer: Can you say Daddy?Lisa: Homer.Homer: No, sweetie. Daddy.Lisa: Homer.Homer: D'oh!
- Krusty's massive moment of hubris. His giveaway is rigged so that all the scratching cards are in favour of the events the communists excel at... and then the Soviet boycott occurs. Krusty stands to loose several millions dollars, and takes it hard.
Krusty: You people are pigs! I will personally spit in every fiftieth burger!Homer: I like those odds.
70. - Homer's Triple Bypass
- The COPS opening features a suicidal man choosing to hurl himself off a building rather than come to Chief Wiggum, Chief Wiggum, Eddie, and Lou shooting at a mummy with Chief Wiggum throwing his gun, and these lyrics to the song.
"Springfield's cops are on the takeBut what do you expect with the money we makeWhether in a car or on a horseWe don't mind using excessive force"
- Wiggum's attempt to arrest a cattle-rustler (Snake), which sees him raid the wrong house, next door to one with a number of cattle outside.
Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of... you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect Is Hatless. Repeat, hatless.(Cut to Homer watching the show in bed)Homer: I can't wait until they throw his hatless butt in jail!
- A mechanic tries to warn Homer about his heart, then has a brief conversation with a boy named Billy.
Billy: Where's he going?Mechanic: You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix?Billy: We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikopopolous?!Mechanic: You're a dull boy, Billy.
- A throwaway gag when Homer is in the ambulance, which has to stop at a deer crossing.
Driver: How do the deer always know to cross there?
- It's especially funny if you know that this kind of confusion may or may not have happened in real life.
- Homer comes out of his second heart attack and tells Dr. Hibbert that he was in a "wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone, and there were all these guys in red pajamas sticking pitchforks in my butt."
- Dr. Nick: Call 1-800-D.O.C.T.O.R.B! The "B" is for Bargain!
- This Dr. Nick bit:
P.A. System: Dr. Nick Riviera, paging Dr. Nick Riviera. Please report to the coroner's office immediately.Dr. Nick: The coroner?! I'm so sick of that guy.
- Dr. Nick Riviera informs Homer about the surgery, then leaves the hospital room.
Dr. Nick: OK, see you in the operating place. [Reporters are outside the door; One asks "Where are the bodies?"] It's such a nice day. I think I'll go out the window. [Jumps out the window]
- Dr. Nick watches a video on how to perform a triple bypass, shortly before he has to perform that surgery on Homer: "Oh no, blood!"
- The operation video is interrupted by a talk show called People Who Look Like Things.
Pumpkin-Head Guy: All we ask is that we get treated with dignity.Host: And a new candle every now and then?Pumpkin-Head Guy: Yes, and a new can- NO!
- The operation video is interrupted by a talk show called People Who Look Like Things.
- Dr. Nick talks to the O.R. team before Homer's surgery.
Dr. Nick: Now remember, if something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved. You know what they say: "One hand washes the other." Oh, that reminds me... [washes hands]
- As Homer is falling asleep from the anesthetic, Dr. Nick can't identify something.
Dr. Nick: What the hell is that?
- A defining moment for Apu:
Apu: Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?Customer: Gimme some jerky.Apu: Would you like some vodka with that?Customer: Oh, what the hell, sure!
- As he does the surgery, Dr. Nick does an improvisational song to the well-known spiritual song called "Dem Bones".
Dr. Nick: "The kneebone's connected to the something; the something's connected to the red thing; the red thing's connected to my wristwatch" ...Uh-oh.
- After Dr. Nick successfully operates on Homer, he encounters a former patient.
Mr. McGreg: Dr. Nick Riviera. Remember me?Dr. Nick: Well if it isn't my old friend Mr. McGreg! With a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg!
71. - Marge vs. the Monorailnote
- Homer has a Flintstones theme song spoof on his way home from work.
Homer: "Simpson, Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history! / From the town of Springfield, He's about to hit a chestnut tree." [screams]
- As the first official episode guide puts it, "And he does."
- Mr. Burns and Smithers haul away a barrel of nuclear waste that was sealed up by Lenny and Carl.
Smithers: Well sir, where shall we dump this batch? The playground?Mr. Burns: No, all those bald children are arousing suspicion. [enthusiastically] To the park![The scene cuts to the city park at night; Mr. Burns and Smithers are heard straining and grunting as they stuff the barrel of nuclear waste into a tree.]Smithers: I think it's full, sir.Mr. Burns: That's ridiculous! The last tree held 9 drums.
- Cut to said tree, which has tentacles and a squirrel with laser eyes.
- Marge notices that many Springfield citizens showed up for the City Hall meeting on how to spend Mr. Burns' fine of $3,000,000. Then there's a cut to many criminals robbing the homes of people who aren't there.
Snake: [carrying a TV] Could this town be any stupider?
- Mayor Quimby wants to follow standard procedure at the City Hall meeting, but some people are impatient.
Mayor Quimby: Order, [bangs gavel] please rise for the uh, "Pledge of Allegiance".Homer: Get to the money!Mayor Quimby: In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.Apu: Get to the money!Rev. Lovejoy: Get to the money!Abe: Get to the moneeeeeey!
- Apu gives his suggestion for what to do with the $3,000,000.
Apu: Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot 8 times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.Chief Wiggum: [deadpan] Crybaby.
- As Marge describes the condition of Main Street in Springfield, there's a flashback to Homer driving his car down the road with chains wrapped around the tires and a piano tied to the roof of his car. The weight causes chunks of the road's concrete to break off and scatter in different directions.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Look at that pavement fly!
- Grampa Abe doesn't think Main Street should be repaired, but the people in the crowd misunderstand him.
Abe: Now hold on just one minute. Sure, we could fix up Main Street. We could put all our eggs in one basket. [crowd cheers] SHUT UP! I wasn't done yet. I'm just sayin', we could blow all our money on a stupid little street, but... [crowd cheers again and lifts him up] Ohhh. Oh, I ain't fer it, I'm agin' it.
- The last few lines of "The Monorail Song" go like this.
Marge: "But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!Everyone except Marge: Monorail! / Monorail! / Monorail!" MONORAIL!Homer: "Mono..." D'OH!!!
- The trailer for "Truckasaurus: The Movie".
Announcer: Coming soon, it's "Truckasaurus: The Movie", starring Marlon Brando as the voice of John Truckasaurus.John Truckasaurus: You crazy car, I dunno whether to eat you or kiss you.Announcer: [Beat] Celebrity voice impersonated.
- Homer sees a TV ad for Lyle Lanely's monorail school and tells Marge.
Homer: Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor.Marge: Homer, no.Homer: It's my lifelong dream!Marge: Your lifelong dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game. And you did it last year, remember? [Marge points to a framed sports page, with a picture of Homer running onto a baseball field in the middle of a game, with the headline, "Idiot Ruins Game/Springfield Forfeits Pennant"].Homer: Oh yeah.
- Bart is proud of his dad's decision to become a monorail conductor and hopes he can follow in his footsteps (metaphorically).
Homer: Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you "Ho-Ju"!Bart: ...I'll get back to you.
- Homer and Bart watch Barney Gumble instruct a crane operator to put the monorail engine on to the monorail.
Barney: Come on, keep it comin'! Over, over! Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. [turns and waves] Hi, Homer! [The crane drops the monorail engine over a house, crushing it entirely.] [moans] Ohh, I hate that sound.
- Lyle Lanley instructs the people who all want to be the monorail conductor.
Lanley: So then, mono means "one" and rail means "rail". And that concludes our intensive 3 week course.Otto: Hey wait, man! Who gets to be conductor?Lanley: Oh right, that. Well I've been monitoring your progress closely, [he looks in a book with a picture of himself driving to Tahiti with lots of money] but this gentleman here clearly stands out above the rest. [Does general arm sweep across room and gets ready to leave.]Homer: Who, me?Lanley: Yeah, sure.Homer: Woo-hoo!
- Homer: "I call the big one Bitey!"
- At the grand opening ceremony for the Springfield monorail, Mayor Quimby says a quote from the wrong science fiction franchise to Leonard Nimoy.
Mayor Quimby: And let me say, "May the force be with you!"Leonard: [annoyed] Do you even know who I am?Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?
- As the monorail departs from the station, Marge returns from North Haverbrook with Sebastian Cobb. Cobb's hair looks different than it did earlier.
Marge: WE'RE TOO LATE!Sebastian: I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut. Sorry.
- On the out-of-control monorail, Leonard Nimoy notices the moon moving in front of the sun.
Leonard: A solar eclipse: the cosmic ballet goes on.Man sitting next to Leonard: Anybody want to switch seats?
- The monorail is going haywire and Krusty doesn't want to be on it anymore.
Krusty: KRUSTY WANTS OUT!!! [attempts to jump out of the runaway monorail]Leonard: No! [saves him] The world needs laughter.
- Also a Crowning Moment of Awesome as Nimoy was able to save Krusty despite that Krusty was already out the monorail door.
- Marge uses a radio to inform Homer about Sebastian Cobb (who helped Mr. Lanley create the defective monorail in North Haverbrook).
Marge: Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you!Homer: Batman?!Marge: No, he's a scientist.Homer: Batman's a scientist!Marge: It's not Batman!
- Homer has to find a anchor to stop the monorail. He looks at Bart and pictures him as a anchor.
Bart: Think harder, Homer.
- The Springfield Monorail is stopped, so Leonard Nimoy leaves.
Leonard: Well, my work here is done.Barney: Whaddaya mean, "Your work is done"? You didn't do anything!Leonard: Heh, heh. Didn't I? [beams away]
- The ending.
Marge: [narrating] And that was the only folly the people of Springfield embarked upon. Except for the popsicle stick skyscraper. And the 50 foot magnifying glass. And that escalator to nowhere.
- The file photo◊ of Homer after he is chosen as the monorail conductor.
72. - Selma's Choice
- "And I don't think George Washington will ever be the same!" (Well, no, not after Bart pulled down the robot's pants.)
- Homer and Bart singing "Ding-Dong The Witch Is Dead" after Marge objects to them singing "On Top of Spaghetti" during their drive to Great Aunt Gladys' funeral.
- Lionel Hutz re-dubs Great Aunt Gladys's video will.
Marge: Mr. Hutz!Lionel: You'd be surprised how often that works. You really would.
- The fortuneteller mistakes truth serum for a love potion.
- Homer mentally snarks, "Yeah, 'The Legend of the Dog-Faced Woman'" after Selma says, "Her [Great Aunt Gladys'] legend will live forever."
- Homer declares that he's okay to go to Duff Gardens (despite being sick from eating a rotten hoagie) only for him to pass out on the floor and crawl away.
- Homer tries to drive. Note that by this point, he's turned blue.
Homer: Duff Gardens! Hurrah! [He passes out, and his head hits the car horn.]
- After seeing Bart and Lisa leave with Selma to go to Duff Gardens, Homer finds the rotten hoagie on top of the garbage can.
- Lisa drinks the "water" on the Duff ride and promptly goes insane. She believes Selma is a monster and tries to attack her with an oar, plus Lisa almost got run over when she dances right into the parade. She's later delivered to Selma pale, shivering, and looking around wildly while covered in a towel.
Security Guard: We found this one swimming naked in the fermentarium.
- Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney ride off into the sunset on stolen bumper cars (though bumper cars don't work unless they're attached to the electric ceiling and in an earlier scene, the 3 bullies were arrested in a Duff Gardens commercial).
73. - Brother from the Same Planet
- Krusty has a disastrous stint hosting Tuesday Night Live. It's funny considering that some of the early Simpsons writers (Jon Vitti, George Meyer, Conan O'Brien, and John Swartzwelder, especially) were SNL writers in the mid-1980s (making the whole joke a mix between Affectionate Parody and a joke about the common claim that Saturday Night Live relies too much of its humor on one-note characters and that its sketches are insanely long.note
- TV Announcer: Tonight on Wings...ah who cares?
- The nun screams, "This isn't funny!" as she gets blown away in the storm and explodes.
- Homer runs naked out of the house after realizing he forgot to pick up Bart from soccer practice.
- Homer ad-libs constellation names while Pepi and him look at the stars, nearly referring to them all as some sort of cowboys.
- Kent reports on Tom and Homer's brawl
Kent: Early reports indicate, and this is very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. (inset of Godzilla) (to off-camera aide) Do we have a source on this? Uh huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys. All right, I could use some names. I.P. Freeley. (groans)
- During the aforementioned fight, Homer attempts to tackle Tom right into a china shop to beat on him some more. However, Tom calmly walks out of the store and we see Homer was recklessly breaking glassware instead of beating up his opponent.
- The end of the fight scene shows Tom delivering a series of blows to Homer's head, knocking him out. Homer falls backwards... and lands on top of a fire hydrant, breaking his back and twisting his body into a U-shape with a loud crack. Tom's expression says it all.
74. - I Love Lisa
- Principal Skinner, while broadcasting over the intercom about Bart's latest prank, suddenly has a Vietnam flashback about one of his friends getting gunned down after making a Valentine for his girlfriend.
Seymour: [over the intercom] JOHNNY!!!Bart: Cool, I broke his brain!
- Bart offers to go as Lisa with Ralph to the Krusty's Anniversary special.
Lisa: What if he (Ralph) wants to hold hands?Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.Lisa: What if he wants to kiss?Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.Lisa: What if he-Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.
- Chief Wiggum tells Lisa and Ralph the story of how he got tickets for Krusty's show - by bumping into Krusty at a porno movie and the clown mistakenly thinking it was a bust.
Lisa: That story's not appropriate for children.Chief Wiggum: Really? I keep my pants on in this version.
- YMMV for the moment when Bart shows Lisa the frame-by-frame of Ralph becoming distraught.
Bart: Watch this, Lise! You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half. [Ralph's face contorts frame by frame, stopping on gritted teeth] aaaand...now.
- The "Mediocre Presidents" song.
- During the Presidents' Day play, Milhouse plays Abraham Lincoln, while Bart is John Wilkes Booth. The play's version of the assassination boils down to a mock fight and Bart as The Ahnold - leaving everyone in the audience silent and gaping. Well, almost everyone.
Homer: C'mon, boy! Finish him off!
- "You're next, Chester A. Arthur!" [Miss Hoover grabs hold to Bart] "Unhand me, Yankee!"
75. - Duffless
- Homer has a conversation with his brain in the kitchen.
Homer: Well, time to go to work.Homer's Brain: Little do they know I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.Homer: Roll in at 9, punch out at 5, that's the plan.Homer's Brain: Heh, heh, heh. They don't suspect a thing. [camera pans down to Homer's mouth, but he doesn't say anything] Well, off to the plant.Homer: Then to the Duff Brewery.Homer's Brain: Uh, oh. Did I say that or just think it?Homer: I've got to think of a lie fast!Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?Homer: AAAAH! [he runs out the front door, gets in his car, and drives away]
- As Homer is making his dramatic escape from the plant, he encounters a gigantic spider.
Homer: [reading off a scroll] "To overcome the Spider's Curse, simple quote a Bible verse!"? Uh, thou shalt not... oh! [he throws a rock at the spider, knocking it out senseless]
- Homer throws himself out the window after Reverend Lovejoy tells him that, with Alc-Anon's help, he'll never have a beer again.
- Homer confesses that he was so desperate for a beer he snuck into a stadium after a football game so he could eat the dirt under the bleachers. This prompts a horrified Rev. Lovejoy to kick him out of Alc-Anon.
- Homer sees Ralph Wiggum's science fair project and has his own vision of an alcohol-fueled car.
Homer: [puts the fuel nozzle in the car] One for you. [removes it] One for me. [inserts the nozzle into his mouth, takes a drink of "GASOHOL", and puts it back in the car] One for you. [removes it again] One for me. [sticks the nozzle in his mouth a second time and drinks some more]
76. - Last Exit to Springfield
- The name of the dentist's office: Painless Dentistry, formerly Painful Dentistry.
- The entire scene with "The Big Book of British Smiles".
Wolfe: (as he finishes Ralph's examination) How often do ya brush, Ralph?Ralph: Three times a day, sir.Wolfe: (glaring) Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?Ralph: Alright! I don't brush! I don't brush!Wolfe: (picks up a book) Let's look at a picture book. The Big Book of British Smiles! (he flips through the book, showcasing horrible British teeth)Ralph: (covers the final picture and begins sobbing) That's enough! That's enough-gh-gh!
- The lead in with Doctor Wolfe
- Homer points out a scar on his head, which he claims to have gotten from a labor strike at the plant years ago. There's a flashback to said strike, with Homer's colleagues all shouting for this noble cause (equitable treatment from management). Instead of doing the same thing, Homer is at the empty snack van, periodically smacking the counter with his fist.
Homer: [yelling] WHERE'S MY BURRITO?! WHERE'S MY BURRITO?! WHERE'S MY BURRITO?! [The awning falls down and crushes his head.] OWWW!
- Homer: Hired goons?
- After Marge explains to Homer that his co-workers' niceness is really them picking on him, an upset Homer claims that "first thing tomorrow morning, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head!" Guess what happens in the next scene...
- "You can't treat the working man this way! Someday, we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless, and then the Japanese will eat us alive!"
- Mr. Burns reads a page from one of his many typing monkeys.
Mr. Burns: [reading] "It was the best of times. It was the blurst of times!" You stupid monkey!
- Mr. Burns ends the tour of his home:
Mr. Burns: And here's my basement.Homer: It isn't as impressive as the rest of your house.Mr. Burns: Yes, I really should stop ending the tour with it.
- Homer runs off to the bathroom in Mr. Burns' mansion ("23rd door on the left.")
Mr. Burns: Find the bathroom all right?Homer: [eyes shifting slightly] Uhhhh...yeah.
- Homer mistakes Mr. Burns's negotiation tactics for coming onto him.
Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.Homer: [thinking] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.Homer: [thinking] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?Homer: [thinking] My God! He is coming onto me!Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.Homer: [thinking] Aaaaaagh! [aloud] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans! Sure I'm flattered; maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no!
- "Where was I? Oh yeah, the important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time..."
- Mr. Burns agrees to the labor union's demands. Then Homer celebrates in a weird manner.
Mr. Burns: All right, Homer. You can have the dental plan, but you must resign as head of the union.Homer: WOO-HOO! [gets on the floor and spins around in circles on his left shoulder] WHOO woo-woo-woo-woo woop-woop-woop!Mr. Burns: Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.Homer: [still spinning] WHOO woo-woo-woo woop-woop-woop! WHOO woo-woo-woo woop-woop-woop! WHOO woo-woo-woo woop-woop-woop!
77. - So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show
- Bart's "April Fools' Day" prank on Homer involves Bart taking a can of Duff beer to a local hardware store and shaking it up in a paint can shaker. Then he places it in the refrigerator as it shakes around vigorously and waits for Homer to take it out and drink it. Bart becomes impatient with Homer so he turns up the temperature in the house. Being thirsty due to the heat, Homer goes to the refrigerator and takes out the very same can. As he opens it, Bart shouts "April Foo-" and the house explodes in a mushroom cloud.
- In a police car, Lou notices the mushroom cloud coming from the Simpsons' house (after the above events) and tells Chief Wiggum.
Lou: That explosion looks like it came from the Simpsons' place.Chief Wiggum: Forget it, Lou. That's 4 blocks away.Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.Chief Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code 8. [exits the car]Lou: [reporting on the radio] We need pretzels. Repeat: Pretzels! [Cut to Wiggum, running like hell to the Simpsons' place with a hungry expression on his face.]
- Various characters come visit Homer at the hospital.
- Barney makes a One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest reference, in which he picks up a water fountain, chucks it out the window, and runs off.
- Homer scares his dad Abe by foaming at the mouth.
- Mr. Burns tries to take Homer off life support.
78. - The Front
- Krusty insists on not mentioning his Jewish heritage on the air (despite that he introduced the audience to his rabbi father in "Like Father, Like Klown").
Lisa: It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.Homer: Marge, it happened again![Homer walks in with a plunger stuck to his head. He tries to pull it loose, but the handle comes off and he exits.]Bart: What are you gonna change your name to when you grow up?Lisa: Lois Sanborn.Bart: Steve Bennett.
- Homer and Marge get ready to go to their Springfield High School reunion.
Homer: It'll be great to see the old gang: Potsie, Ralph Malph, the Fonz.Marge: That wasn't you. That was Happy Days.Homer: No, they weren't all happy days, like the time Pinky Tuscadaro crashed her motorcycle, or the time I lost all my money to those card sharks and my dad Tom Bosley had to get it back.
- "Homer's not here, man!"
- Homer didn't graduate as Marge thought, so he tells her the truth and completes the course he had not passed. The following conversation takes place as Homer gets his final exam.
Principal Dondelinger: This is your exam. It's a series of questions, answered True or False.Homer: True.Principal Dondelinger: Eh, I was just describing the test, Homer.Homer: True.Principal Dondelinger: Look, Homer, just do the test, and you'll be fine.Homer: False.
- Immediately after that, Homer discusses with his brain again.
Homer: All right, brain, you don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this so I can go back to killing you with beer.Homer's Brain: It's a deal.
- Grampa Abe "checks" his underwear so he can tell Bart and Lisa his first name.
Lisa: Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?Abe: I... don't... know!
- Grampa Abe dreams of being "Queen of the Old West".
- Roger Myers giving a tour to Bart and Lisa:
Roger Meyers, Jr.: Are you coming?Abe: Any stairs?Roger Meyers, Jr.: Just one.Abe: Nuts to you! [resumes sleeping]
- When Abe describes to Homer his job of being paid to tell a cat and mouse what to do, Homer has an Imagine Spot of wheel-barrowing his gibbering dad to the nuthouse.
79. - Whacking Day
- The ceremony before "Whacking Day" commences has Mayor Quimby introducing a special guest.
Mayor Quimby: Ladies and gentlemen, Larry White!Barry White: Barry White!Mayor Quimby: The card says "Larry."Barry White: I think I know my own name.Mayor Quimby: Oh yeah? Well, we'll see!
- Barry is shocked at finding out what Whacking Day is all about.
Barry White: You people make me sick! [crowd cheers] Are they even listening to me?Mayor Quimby: My guess would be no.
- Grampa Abe tells a most insane war story where he poses as a German cabaret singer in Dusseldorf and flirts with Adolf Hitler. After the flashback, he admits that the only part of the story that was true was that he cross-dressed in the 1940s ("Oh, they had designers then!")
- Bart refers to Johnny Tremaine as Johnny Deformed after Marge tells Bart about how the protagonist got his hand deformed in an accident.
- Homer gives advice to Lisa on what to do about her feelings against Whacking Day: "Just squeeze your rage into a bitter, little ball, and release it at an appropriate time. Like that time I hit the referee with a whiskey bottle. [in a baby voice] Remember that? When Daddy hit the referee."
- I am Evil Homer! I am Evil Homer!
80. - Marge in Chains
- The Flanders family wonder how they got the flu. Ned recalls how he once laughed at an episode of Married... with Children.
Ned: Oh, the network slogan is true: Watch FOX and be damned for all eternity.
- Lionel Hutz delivers his closing argument with no pants on — then commits jury tampering by submitting a cocktail napkin that still says "Guilty" on it...and he has the word misspelled.
- The aftermath of a bake sale makes the people of Springfield realise the consequences of putting Marge in jail.
Park Ranger: $15 short, exactly what Marge Simpson's marshmallow squares usually bring in. Can we still afford that statue of Lincoln?Man: No, I'm afraid we'll have to go with something cheaper.
- The statue the was purchased is unveiled to the townspeople.
Mayor Quimby: People of Springfield, I give you this statue of our 39th President, Jimmy Carter!Man in Crowd: Oh, come on!Second Man in Crowd: [points angrily] He's history's greatest monster!
- When Marge is released, the city presents her with a statue of "her" (which turns out to be the Jimmy Carter statue with her signature hairdo added to it), which the kids turn into a tetherball pole.
- Chief Wiggum releasing the hounds on rioters. It doesn't go how he expects.
Chief Wiggum: Release the dogs!Lou: Gee, they look pretty mad.Wiggum: Yeah, I've been starving them, teasin' 'em, singing off key. (starts singing off-key at the dogs, just as they're let out. They maul him)
- During the riot, one man can be seen in the background stealing a TV in nothing but his underpants.
- Lionel Hutz as Marge's lawyer.
Hutz: Mrs. Simpson claims she forgot she was carrying this bottle of bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors. (holds the bottle close) What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial! (to the judge) Excuse me.(Hutz slowly begins walking out of the room, only to break into a run until he reaches a payphone)Hutz: Hello, David? I'm really tempted...David Crosby: Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you.Hutz: I love you too, man.
- Clashing wits with Apu.
Hutz: So, Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that is your real name, have you ever forgotten anything?Apu: No. As a matter of fact, I can recite pi to six thousand places. The last digit is one.Homer: Mmm, pi...Hutz: Is that so? Then tell me this, what kind of tie am I wearing?Apu: You are wearing a red and white club tie in an up-Windsor knot.(Oh Crap! expression from Hutz, as he begins wrestling with his tie)Hutz: Oh, really? Is that what you think? Because if that is what you think, I have something to tell you, something that may shock and discredit you, and that thing is as follows: (turns back to face Apu) I'm not wearing a tie at all!Apu: But if I am wrong about that, perhaps I am wrong about Mrs. Simpson.Hutz: (lifts his arm, revealing his tie is stuffed up his sleeve) No further questions.
- Clashing wits with Apu.
81. - Krusty Gets Kancelled
- Due to "The Itchy & Scratchy Show" going to the "Gabbo" show, Krusty shows a cartoon from Eastern Europe called "Worker and Parasite".
Krusty: [standing still dumbfounded and smoking a cigarette] What the hell was that?!
- Krusty begs Sideshow Mel to join him for his comeback (which then turns into a heartwarming moment).
Krusty: Ah, come on. You wanna spend your life hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers?Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, Mister. Whoops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow-w-w! Ow-w-w!Sideshow Mel: Sorry Krusty, I like it here. Mr. Johansen treats me with dignity.Mr. Johansen: Is this clown bothering you, Mel?Sideshow Mel: It's all right, Mr. Johansen, I'll handle it.Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, sir.Krusty: I don't want it!Squeaky-Voiced Teen: But this comes out of my salary! If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.
- Mayor Quimby is having a press conference about a money scandal and borrows Gabbo's catchphrase.
Mayor Quimby: [totally nonchalant] I admit I used the city trust to fund the murder of my enemies. But as Gabbo would say, "I'm a bad widdle boy."
- The newspaper immediately following has the headline, "More Bodies Surface in Harbor."
- Bette Midler has a Disproportionate Retribution on highway litterers.
Snake: Oh, no! Bette Midler!
- Old Jewish Man: The old grey mare just ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be...
- And now, The Crazy Old Man dancers...
- Krusty drinks a lot of milkshakes and becomes morbidly obese. Bart and Lisa find out.
Lisa: Krusty, what have you done to yourself?Krusty: I wanted to get in shape so I've been drinking nothing but milkshakes.Lisa: You mean those diet milkshakes?Krusty: Uh-oh.
- Krusty dismisses the Red Hot Chili Peppers' performance in their underwear as degrading...minutes before he has to dress up like a little kid from the early 19th century for a sketch. Hypocritical Humor at its finest.
- Luke Perry is shot out of a cannon. He crashes through jars of acid Apu had stacked (for some reason), he can be heard screaming, "My face! My valuable face!" Then Luke lands safely in a pillow factory... only to have it demolished while he's still inside.
82. - Homer's Barbershop Quartet
- "Melvin and the Squirrels".
Bart: What the hell is this?Comic Book Guy: Melvin and the Squirrels; Part of the rodent invasion of the 1960s.Melvin and the Squirrels: Stuck a feather in his hat and called it Rice-A-Roni!Dave Seville Expy: Mel-VIN!!!
- The Be Sharps are performing at the Springfield Retirement Castle.
Abe: That's my son up there!Old Jewish Man: What, the balding fatass?Abe: Er... no, the Hindu guy.
- The Be Sharps perform in front of convicted criminals at the Springfield State Prison.
Snake: [holding a small gray rock] I'm gonna nail that cop right between the eyes... right after this song is over.[The Be Sharps finish singing. From the crowd, Snake throws the rock and hits Chief Wiggum, knocking him off the stage. Then Snake laughs.]
- The group of singers is holding tryouts to replace Chief Wiggum. Homer decides he has had enough of putting up with his dad's audition.
Homer: Get off the stage!Abe: I want to, but I can't!
- Apu is told by the group's agent, Nigel, that he needs to have his last name changed.
Apu: Oh, that is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god. But okay!
- A reporter asking Apu (who had to change his last name to Beaumarchais for the group) if he is Hindu.
Apu: By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie.
- Homer meets George Harrison in the flashback.
Homer: [narrating] And then came the greatest moment of my life.George: Hello, Homer. I'm George Harrison.Homer: Oh my God! OH MY GOD! Where did you get that brownie?!?George: Over there, there's a big pile of them.[Homer just spends the next 20 seconds shoving brownies into his mouth, without regarding George Harrison at all.]Homer: Ohhh, man... [continues gorging]George: [sincerely] Well, what a nice fella.
- Barney and his girlfriend record a song that supposedly sounds similar to the start of John Lennon's song "Revolution #9".
Number 8. [BELCH] Number 8. [BELCH] Number 8. [BELCH] Number 8. [BELCH] Number 8. [BELCH] Number 8. [BELCH] Number 8. [BELCH]
- "I'd like a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a man's hat."
- And then Moe produces exactly that, without comment.
- George Harrison takes one look at the Be Sharps' rooftop concert and sums up the entire episode.
83. - Cape Feare
- The Simpson family looks through all of Sideshow Bob's threatening letters to Bart. Marge notices that one reading "I KILL YOU SCUM!" isn't written in blood. It turns out Homer wrote that after Bart somehow wrote the words "WIDE LOAD" on his butt. Marge, Lisa, Abe, and Nelson (who randomly appears at the kitchen window) all laugh about it.
- There's a brilliantly delivered Noodle Incident which occurs as Bart and Lisa try to figure out who is sending Bart letters written in blood.
Lisa: Bart, I just figured it out! Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years?Bart: Linda Lavin?Lisa: No, someone who didn't deserve it!
- "No one who speaks German could be an evil man..."
- Sideshow Bob and the Simpsons end up meeting each other by coincidence at a movie theater after he's granted parole.
Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son!Bob: Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right...stay away...forever!Homer: Oh, no!Bob: Wait a minute. That's no good. [groans, leaves, then returns] Wait, I've got a good one now - Marge - say, "Stay away from my son!" again.Marge: [annoyed] No. [Bob groans and leaves]
- Chief Wiggum glances over some other laws in a book.
Chief Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling. [the camera pans over to some other cops doing just that] Boys, knock it off!
- Chief Wiggum informs Homer about a certain way the law works.
Chief Wiggum: Once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and legal.Homer: Is that so? [leans head out window] Oh Flanders, won't you join me in my kitchen?[Homer stands lying menacingly in wait behind a doorframe, pounding his fist into his other hand]Chief Wiggum: Uhh, it doesn't work if you invite him. [Flanders arrives at that very moment]Ned: Hidely-hey!Homer: Go home.Ned: [turns right around] Doodely-doo!
- The Witness Relocation Program attempts to move the Simpsons to a new location.
Agent 1: Don't worry, Mrs. Simpson. We've helped hundreds of people in danger. We'll give you a new name, a new job. New identities.Homer: Ooh! I wanna be John Elway![dissolve to Homer's fantasy of playing for the Denver Broncos, also the only player in a leather helmet]Announcer: Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown! Thanks to Elway's patented last second magic, the final score of Super Bowl XXX, Denver: 7 San Francisco: 56.Homer: [back in the office] Woo-hoo!
- The discussion continues.
Agent 2: We have places your family can hide in peace and security. Cape Feare, Terror Lake, New Horrorfield, Screamville...Homer: Ooh! Ice Creamville!Agent 2: Uh, no. Screamville.Homer: [screams]
- The Agents tell Homer he is now Homer Thompson and address him with that name.
Agent 1: Tell you what: From now on, you'll be Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice for a bit. When I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi."Homer: Check.Agent 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. [Homer sits at the table silently.] Remember now: Your name is Homer Thompson.Homer: I gotcha.Agent 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. [Again, Homer sits at the table silently][Agents 1 and 2 look at each other, there's a transition to much later where they've taken their jackets off, 2 is smoking, and the other Simpsons look exhausted.]Agent 1: [exasperated] Now when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.Homer: No problem.Agent 1: [while stomping repeatedly on Homer's foot] Hello, Mr. Thompson.Homer: [looks at his foot, pauses, then leans back and whispers to Agent 2] I think he's talking to you.
- The discussion continues.
- While getting ready to move, Homer accidentally locks Abe out of the house.
Abe: Hello! Helloooooo! You have my pills! Hellooooooo? I'm cold and there are wolves after me.[howling is heard in the distance]
- Homer unknowingly torments Sideshow Bob as the family drive to their new home. Bob had strapped himself to the underside of the Simpsons' car, but couldn't plan on Homer's... unique style of driving.
Homer: [seeing a whole lot of cacti in the distance] Hey, kids? Who wants to drive through that cactus patch?Bart: Yeah!Lisa: Yeah!Sideshow Bob: [horrified] NO!Homer: Oop! 2 against 1! [He turns and drives through the cacti, oblivious to Bob's moans and screaming in agony.]
- The highlight of Sideshow Bob's long and memorable existence:
- ker-THWACK!! (annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!!(annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!! (annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!!(annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!! (annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!!(annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!! (annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!!(annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!! (annoyed grumble/moan)
- The Brick Joke later on, when Bob springs into action. The first thing that happens? ker-THWACK!
- Bart discovers that Sideshow Bob has followed the family to Terror Lake.
Bob: Surely there is no harm in lying in the middle of a public street? [A parade occurs and everything tramples over him] AHHH, NOT the elephants! [He gets crushed by elephants carrying marquees that says: "Terror Lake. Salutes. Hannibal. Crossing. The. Alps."]
- A separate elephant was used for the word "The".
- Bart is trying to fall asleep in the houseboat, but Homer scares him twice within a matter of seconds:
Homer: BART! YOUWANTSOMEBROWNIESBEFOREYOUGOTOBED?!Homer: BART! YOUWANNASEEMYNEWCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK!?
- Sideshow Bob bursts into Bart's bedroom.
Bob: Your family can't help you now![The entire family is shown tied up, including Santa's Little Helper and Snowball II. Homer is still asleep and drooling.]Lisa: Oh no, dad's been drugged!Marge: No, he hasn't.
- Chief Wiggum: Bake him away, toys.
- "It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel."
- As the Simpson family gets to go back home after Sideshow Bob is arrested (again), they see Abe standing outside the house, begging for the family to let him in so he can take his medication as he has turned into a woman (physically, as in, he grew breasts and a curvy body). Jasper (Grampa's on-again/off-again friend) offers the newly-feminized Grampa a date rather than have the family go in the house and get his meds.
- At the very beginning of the episode, Lisa receives a call from her pen-pal Anya, in a wonderful burst of Black Comedy.
Dear Lisa, as I write this, I am very sad, for our president has been overthrown (voiceover chances to a gruff male voice)'' And replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull, and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, little girl.
84. - Homer Goes to College
- When the Nuclear Power Plant is having a meltdown, Mr. Burns gets in an escape pod and locks Smithers out.
Smithers: For the love of God sir, there are 2 seats!Mr. Burns: [opens pod door and pokes his head out] I like to put my feet up. [closes door again]
- The escape pod malfunctions soon after takeoff, sending Mr. Burns crashing down the street.
- Homer: The bee bit my bottom, now my bottom's big!
- One of the inspectors is baffled about the work station simulation meltdown that Homer caused.
Inspector: I still don't understand how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck.
"RAAAWWWR!! MUST. DESTROY. MANKIND. [watch beeps] Ooooh, lunchtime!"
- And Homer's brief rampage:
- Mr. Burns has a giant demon chair. He attempts to bludgeon a board member with a baseball bat and fails.
Board Member: What are you doing?Mr. Burns: [already pained and struggling] I'm giving you the thrashing of your life.Board Member: Look, if- Stop that. If you wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so?(Burns collapses)Mr. Burns: Smithers, dismember the body and send his widow a corsage.
- Lisa helps Homer apply to college.
Lisa: Dad, don't let these college essays get you down. Let's see: "List your 3 favorite books and how they've influenced your life".Homer: Is TV Guide a book?Lisa: [flatly] No.Homer: Son Of Sniglet?Lisa: [flatly] No.Homer: Katherine Hepburn's Me?Lisa: [annoyed] No!Homer: [moaning] Aw, I suck!
- Homer receives a letter in the mail which tells him he has been accepted into Springfield University.
Homer: Woo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma anymore! [lights it on fire] I am so smart, I am so smart, I am so smart, I am so smart. S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T!
- Homer laughs hysterically when the professor drops his notes.
- Homer learned everything he needs to know about college life from a cheesy Animal House ripoff movie called The School of Hard Knockers.
- Homer attempts to prank call the dean.
Homer: [in a badly disguised voice] Hello Dean, you're a stupid head!Dean: [looks out the window and sees Homer on a pay phone] Homer, is that you?Homer: [screams and runs away]
- "It's time for your bribe. You can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box."
- "The Box! The Box!"
- The nerds assuring Homer that they can survive on their own.
Snake: Uh, wallet inspector!Doug: [the nerds immediately give him their wallets] Here you go. I believe these should be in order.Snake: Whoah! I can't believe that worked!
- Homer boasting that he's worked in a nuclear power plant.
Homer: Uhh, excuse me, Professor Brainiac, but I worked in a nuclear power plant for ten years and I think I know how a proton accelerator works.Professor: Well, please come down and show us.Homer: All right, I will![Smash Cut to the building emitting a green glow. Student run away screaming while Homer, once again glowing green, addresses two technicians in radiation suits]Homer: In there, guys.Technicians: Thanks, Homer.
85. - Rosebud
- The opening scene shows guards outside Mr. Burns' mansion.
[Wizard of Oz-esque guards goose-step in sync with one another while chanting]Guards: All we own, we oo-wwe. All we own, we oo-wwe![Mr. Smithers pops his head out of the window, quietly and beratingly shushing the guards]Guards: [whispering, on tiptoes] All we own, we oo-wwwe. All we own, we oo-wwwe!
- Smithers envisions what he would want for his birthday.
Smithers: The preparations for your birthday have begun.Mr. Burns: I won't get what I want.Smithers: No one does. [dreams about Mr. Burns bursting out of a cake wearing nothing but a sash singing "Happy birthday, Mr. Smithers...", moans]
- The Ramones perform "Happy Birthday" for Mr. Burns.
Smithers: Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are gonna go far. Ladies and gentlemen, The Ramones. [applause]Mr. Burns: Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.Joey Ramone: I'd just like to say this gig sucks!Johnny Ramone: Hey, up yours, Springfield!Joey Ramone: 1-2-3-4! [punk rock music]The Ramones: "Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!) Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!) Happy Birthday, Burnsie! Happy Birthday TO YOU!"C.J. Ramone: Go to Hell, you old bastard! [Mr. Burns looks shocked; the curtain closes]Marky Ramone: Hey, I think they liked us.Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.Smithers: But sir, those aren't...Mr. Burns: Do as I say!
- "This is all ''your'' fault!"
- Mr. Burns is trying to reclaim his long lost bear Bobo, which is now in Maggie's possession. Smithers and him use a zip-line from on top of the Flanders' roof to get inside the Simpsons' house.
Mr. Burns: Now remember, Smithers. We have to get in and out in exactly 60 seconds.[climbs onto zip-line, kicks off....then gets stuck midway across. Transition to the next morning, and a rescue effort]Marge: More cocoa, Mr. Burns?Mr. Burns: Yes.
- A second attempt to get the stuffed bear back involves Mr. Burns and Smithers climbing across the Simpsons' kitchen ceiling, at night, using suction cups. Homer walks in, oblivious to the 2 intruders, opens the fridge and pulls out a stack of processed cheese.
Homer: Mmmmm, 64 slices of American cheese. [He eats a slice of cheese.] 63. [He eats another.] 62.[The scene transitions to morning; Homer is still sitting in the same place with a much smaller stack of cheese.]Homer: [sounding very ill/sick/full] 2. [He eats the last slice.] 1.[Marge walks in and sees Homer sat at the table; He now looks visibly ill.]Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese?Homer: I think I'm blind![Mr. Burns and Smithers fall off the ceiling, get up]Mr. Burns: Good day to you.[Mr. Burns and Smithers walk away.]
- Mr. Burns and Smithers take away TV and then feel the need to provide original programming.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, I'm home! [canned laughter]Smithers: What, already? [canned chuckle]Mr. Burns: Yes. [loud canned laughter]Lisa: Is it my imagination or is TV getting worse?Homer: It's about the same. Uh oh, look out, Smithers! (laughs) I love this show.
- Bart faces the fallout for Homer's actions.
(Bart is surrounded by the bullies in the playground)Nelson: My old man can't get a bear because his old man won't give a bear to another old man! Let's get him!Jimbo: Wait, why're we gettin' him?Martin: Look fellows, the first snapdragon of the season.Nelson: Never mind. Let's get him!
- Adding to this is the fact that Bart is in a crouching position through the whole scene, and never once moves.
- Mr. Burns finally makes a move, taking over every channel on TV one by one.
Mr. Burns: As you can see Simpson, I've taken over all seventy-five channels, and I won't return them, until you give in. What's that? You can live without television, so long as you have beer?Homer: That's right!Mr. Burns: Wrong! All beer trucks heading towards Springfield have been diverted. This town will remain as dry as a bone. And if any of the rest of you beer-swilling tube-jockeys have a problem with this... talk to Homer Simpson. (Mr. Burns begins laughing)(someone rings the Simpsons' doorbell. Homer answers it to find an unhinged Barney holding a gun)Barner: Homer... give him what he wants!Homer: Look, Barney, leave me alone. (Homer slams the door in Barney's face. There's the sound of Barney falling over, the gun firing, a woman screaming and the sound of police sirens.)Barney: uh-oh.
86. - Treehouse of Horror IVnote
A. - The Devil and Homer Simpson
- Homer tempts Devil Flanders by finding a loophole.
Devil Flanders: Now remember, the instant you finish that donut I own your soul.Homer: Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, right?Devil Flanders: Well, technically no...Homer: [singsong] I'm smarter than the de-vil! I'm smarter than the de-vil!Devil Flanders: [morphs from Flanders into Chernabog] YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN ME! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL YET, HOMER SIMPSON! [he then shrinks and disappears]
- Homer in Hell's Ironic Punishment Division
(Homer is strapped into a chair, as a demon looms over him. Behind them is an entire wall of donuts.)Demon: So, you like donuts, eh?Homer: Yuh-huh.Demon: Well, have all the donuts in the world!(A machine begins force-feeding Homer donuts two at a time. The scene fades to several hours later. The wall of donuts are gone, the machine is still force-feeding a bloated Homer... and he's still going.)Homer: More.Demon: I don't understand it! James Coco went mad in fifteen minutes!
- "Oh, you Americans, with your "due process" and "fair trials". This is always so much easier in Mexico."
B. - Terror at 5½ Feet
C. - Bart Simpson's Dracula
- In the opening, Bart narrates about a painting that was so terrifying they couldn't make a story out of it, so they just threw together something with vampires. And just what is that painting?
Homer: [shouts] They're dogs...and they're playing poker! [runs off screaming and completely insane]
- Mr. Burns is a vampire and invites the Simpson family to his castle in "Pennsylvania".
Mr. Burns: [over intercom] Come in, come in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead.Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of the button.Mr. Burns: Oh, son of a bi-
- If you watch Mr. Burns' shadow while he's talking to the family, you can see it pull out a yo-yo for a single second.
- Grampa Abe wants to kill Bart.
Abe: (runs into room with a stake) Quick! We have to kill the boy!Marge: How'd you know Bart's a vampire?Abe: He's a vampire? AAAH! [runs away]
- In the shot of the family after Bart turns into a bat and flies away, Maggie is shown waving good-bye to Bart. A mix of funny and adorable.
- Homer is told that he has to kill Mr. Burns in order for Bart to turn back to normal.
Homer: What? Kill my boss?! [thinking] Do I dare live out the American dream?
- Homer: Super Fun Happy Slide!
- Homer tries to kill Mr. Burns and is unsuccessful.
Homer: Take that, vile fiend! [hammers the wooden stake through Mr. Burns]Lisa: Dad? That's his crotch.Homer: ...Oh, right. [pulls it out]
- He drives a wooden stake through Mr. Burns' heart and he dies, only to come back to life and shout "You're fired!" before turning to dust.
- Marge reveals that she is the Head Vampire.
Lisa: Mom?! You're the Head Vampire?!Marge: What? I do have a life outside of this house, you know?
- The family lunges towards Lisa, ready to strike - and then they all turn to the screen, saying "Happy Halloween, everybody!" in unison. Then they all start humming "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" as it starts snowing, with Milhouse playing a tiny piano and Santa's Little Helper dancing Snoopy style.
87. - Marge on the Lam
- Homer's vision of ballet is of a bear wearing a fez hat while driving a small car in circles.
- Which as it turns out, is also Lenny's idea of ballet.
- At the end of the day, when Homer is about to go home and take Marge to the ballet as he promised her, he sees a vending machine and tries to pull a soda out of it, but gets his arm stuck in it. He tries to leave anyway, to honor his promise, but gets distracted by another vending machine, and gets his other arm stuck in it. Even then, he somehow manages to phone Marge, who unfortunately but obviously doesn't believe him.
Paramedic: *holding a buzzsaw* Homer, this is never easy to say... I'm going to have to cut off your arms off.Homer: They'll grow back, right?Paramedic: (eyes dart nervously) Oh, Yeaaaah.Paramedic 2: *looking in machine with flashlight* Homer... are you just holding onto the can?Homer: Your point being?*cut to Homer walking away from the plant with laughter in the background, rubbing his arms and looking ashamed*
- The fire department's "rescue" of Homer
- Marge notices smoke coming from her house's chimney. It turns out to be babysitter Lionel Hutz burning documents in the fireplace.
Lisa: Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal records?Lionel: As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!
- Bart and Lisa wake up and realize that neither of their parents are home yet. Lisa points out that Lionel Hutz is still there to care for them. Lisa tries to wake him up. Lionel jumps with a start, brandishing a knife, and yelling, "Don't touch my stuff!" When he realizes where he is, he sheepishly laughs, "Hey, this isn't the YMCA."
- Kent Brockman: IT'S IN REVELATIONS PEOPLE!!! [a graphic stating "Please stand by" depicting Kent Brockman in a straitjacket with a cuckoo clock bird popping out of his head appears on the screen.]
- The epilogue reveals the fates of the major characters from the episode.
- How Lionel Hutz wound up babysitting Bart and Lisa in the first place
Hutz: (Homer answers the door to find Hutz standing there) Mr. Simpsons, I was just going through your garbage and I couldn't help overhearing that you needed a babysitter. Of course, being a highly skilled attourney, my fee is a hundred and seventy-five dollars an hour.Homer: We pay eight dollars for the night and you can take two popsicles out of the freezer.Hutz: Three.Homer: Two.Hutz: Okay, two, and I get to keep this old bird-feeder! (holds up a dilapidated bird-cage)Homer: Done.Hutz: Still got it!
88. - Bart's Inner Child
- Homer reads the "Free Items" column in the newspaper and sees an advertisement for a free trampoline.
Homer: Oh my God!Lisa: What is it?Homer: TRAMAMPOLINE! TRABOPOLINE! [he runs off]Bart: He said what, now?Marge: Please, don't bring back any more old crutches!
- Jimbo and Kearney use Homer's car as a trampoline after Homer gets rid of the actual trampoline (either by leaving it in the desert note or letting Snake steal it note ).
- In Troy McClure's video, Troy can't read the cue cards correctly.
Troy McClure: That's right, it's the Brad Goodman [Squinting at cue-cards] something-or-other...
- Fridge Brilliance: We later learn in A Fish Called Selma that Troy McClure wears glasses and can't read anything without them.
- Not to mention he's got a can of fortified wine with him, which he's eagerly drinking.
- Brad Goodman uses an exercise at the seminar he hosts in the Springfield Community Center.
Brad: Now, listen to your inner child. What's he saying?[camera pans to Ned Flanders]Ned's Inner Child: Stay the course, Big Ned! You're doing super![camera pans to Homer]Homer's Inner Child: Food goes in here!Homer: It sure does![camera pans to Moe Szyslak]Moe's Inner Child: [with heavy Italian accent] 'Ey, Moe, wassa matta, huh? Why you no talk wit you accent no mo?Moe: [clapping hands on face in astonishment] Mamma Mia!
- Brad Goodman states that Bart doesn't repress his inner child, and that everyone should be like Bart. The scene cuts to Lisa with a dark look.
- People start fighting with each other at the "Do What You Feel" festival. Reverend Lovejoy believes it's happening because they had made a false idol out of Brad Goodman. Apu tells him that's not true, and the people turn on Bart.
Apu: You must not blame yourself, Reverend. It was that little boy's fault. He started it all.Random Man: [talking about Bart] Let's get him!Bart: Eeep. [he starts running and an angry mob of people chase him]
- At the end, the Simpson family is watching McGarnagle, a show about a Cowboy Cop.
[The exterior shot of the house is seen with just the voices heard]Chief: You're off the case McGarnagle!McGarnagle: You're off your case chief!Chief: What does that mean exactly?Homer: [yelling] IT MEANS HE GETS RESULTS YOU STUPID CHIEF!!Lisa: Dad, sit down.Homer: Sorry.
- This dialogue:
Brad: And if we can all be more like little Rudiger--
Marge: His name is Bart.
Brad: His name isn't important!
- "We like Roy! We like Roy!"
89. - Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood
- Marge leaves to go to the grocery store and tells Homer.
Marge: Homer, I have to go out to pick up something for dinner.Homer: Steak?Marge: Money's too tight for steak.Homer: Steak?Marge: [lying] Sure, steak.
- Homer loses the last peanut he was going to eat. Thinking it fell under the couch, he looks for it and pulls out a $20 bill.
Homer: [moans] Aww, $20? I wanted a peanut.Homer's Brain: $20 can buy many peanuts.Homer: Explain how.Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.Homer: [shouts] Woo-hoo![He turns around and slips on the peanut he was looking for, causing him to fall down. The $20 bill floats away outside the open window into the wind and Homer screams because he lost it.]
- Homer unknowingly passes by Bart and Milhouse who are covered in bubble gum.
Homer: Mmm... free goo.
- After the Disney Acid Sequence of a musical number, Barney Gumble (wearing a sailor suit) wakes up groaning in a pile of burlap sacks filled with baklava on a Greek ship in the middle of an ocean.
Barney: [realizing where he is] Uh-oh! Not again!
- Homer is sitting on the couch. Bart points out an error in an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon.
Lisa: Come on, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.[A second Homer walks past the window]
- Bart reads a book on pocket knife safety.
Bart: "Don't do what Donny Don't does." [sigh] They could have made this clearer.
- Bart walks into the living room wearing his Junior Camper uniform. Homer proceeds to poke fun at him.
Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees? And make crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? [The chair he is sitting in collapses.] D'oh! Stupid poetic justice.
- Bart versus Homer in a battle of wits:
Bart: I don't want Homer to come with me, and he doesn't want to go. So I'll ask him, and he'll say no. Then it'll be his fault.Homer: I don't want to do this, so if the boy asks, I'll just say yes.Homer's Brain: Wait, are you sure that's how this thing works?Homer: Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a q-tip!(Bart and Homer march out onto the landing and square off)Bart: (through clenched teeth) Dad, I really want you to come on this trip with me!Homer: (also through clenched teeth) Bart, I'd be delighted to go on this trip with you!Bart and Homer: D'oh!
90. - The Last Temptation of Homer
- Homer and Mindy are stuck in the elevator together. Homer tries his hardest to Think Unsexy Thoughts (which includes his sisters-in-law shaving their legs together in the bathroom and picturing Barney Gumble in a jumbo thong bikini drunkenly humming the I Dream of Jeannie theme). He fails at that (as he immediately pictures Mindy in a bikini blowing a kiss) and just jumps out of the elevator in mid-ascent.
- Also, it's weird how the elevator was somehow halfway up the cooling tower.
- Especially since the elevator was travelling downwards to get there.
- Homer tries to talk about his problem to Moe without using his own name.
Homer: See, I got this friend named...Joey...Joe Joe...Junior...Shabadoo?[A random man in Moe's Tavern looks up with interest]Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.[The man runs out crying]Barney: [yells]] Hey, wait! Joey Joe Joe!
- Homer, Carl, Lenny, and the factory worker Charlie fall unconscious in a trapped room of toxic gases and somehow get out alive.
- Homer is greeted by his guardian angel, who takes A Form You Are Comfortable With. Unfortunately, Homer doesn't recognise his preferred choice.
Newton: Homer, I'm your guardian angel. I've assumed the form of someone you'd recognise and revere: Sir Isaac Newton.Homer: Sir Isa-who-who?Newton: [sighs] Oh, very well [transforms]Homer: Colonel Klink! Did you get my letters?Klink: I'm not actually Colonel Klink. I'm just assuming his form.Klink: Hooooo-MERRRR!
- Homer calls out to his guardian angel as the situation he is in gets worse.
Homer: Oh, this is the worst crisis my marriage has ever faced. COLONEL KLINK, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!Klink: [appearing] What is it? Do you have a question?Homer: Heh-heh, did you know Kinchloe had a radio in the coffee pot?Klink: He did? [disappears in a huff]
- Homer's guardian angel (tries) to show him the miserable life he'd live if he lived with Mindy: They live in a giant mansion with no children around, and play tennis.
Mindy: (with upper-class accent) I'm so happy, darling.Homer: (with similar accent) I as well. Are you happy, Jeeves?Jeeves: Yes, sir. Quite.Homer: Then we're all happy!Klink: Let's get out of here!(The two fly away)Klink: Sure, life is good for you... but what about Marge?(The two look down at something)Homer: Marge lives here?(The camera pulls back to reveal the White House)Aide: Madam President, your approval rating is soaring!Marge: Hrrm.Klink: This dream is ov-er.
91. - $pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)
- Mr. Burns remembers a childhood memory when he repeatedly rammed an Irish worker with a bumper car, causing him to start laughing continuously over several hours (even while he's asleep).
Mr. Burns: [finally stops laughing] Now what was I laughing at again? [pause] Oh yes! That crippled Irishman! [bursts out laughing again]
- Homer wants to become a blackjack dealer.
Homer: It's been my lifelong dream to be a blackjack dealer![Footage from The Gong Show shows Homer and Barney in a giant pair of overalls playing an equally giant harmonica and dancing. They are getting booed, loudly, while one of the panelists violently and repeatedly rings the gong.]Homer: [nostalgically] We got more gongs than the breakdancing robot that caught on fire...
- A Deleted Scene involves Homer dealing a game of blackjack between James Bond and Ernst Blofeld.
Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer. [Homer gives him a card] Joker? You were supposed to take those out of the deck.Homer: Oh, sorry. [He deals another card]Bond: What's this? "Rules for draw and stud poker"?Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond. [Jaws and Oddjob grab Bond]Bond: But, I never lose! It's Homer's fault! [Bond starts getting dragged away] At least tell me your plans for world domination.Blofeld: I'm not falling for that one again.
- Homer attempts to make his own breakfast by combining a full bottle of cloves, a similarly full bottle of Tom Collins mix, and a frozen pie crust. The expression on his face as he tastes it is unforgettable.
Homer: [in a VERY deadpan tone after one bite of his breakfast.] Let's go get mom...
- The boogeyman sequence.
Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but their may be a Boogie Man or Boogie MEN in the house!Bart: YAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
- Homer sums up the situation to Lisa (who just described herself as a "monster" thanks to her Florida costume).
Homer: The only monster around here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to free your mother from his neon claws!
- Mr. Burns points a gun at Smithers as he forces him to get inside a small model airplane called the "Spruce Moose".
Mr. Burns: I said hop in......
- Made funnier by the fact that's their last scene in the episode.
- Homer breaks Marge's gambling machine.
Homer: [yells gibberish]Marge: Homer, what is it? Slow down!Homer: [says the same gibberish slowly and clearly]Marge: Think before you say each word.
Homer: You broke a promise to your daughter.Marge: What?Homer: You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed — she's such a little trooper.
- The rest of the dialogue manages to be both a Tear Jerker and one of these:
- Principal Skinner announces the costume contest results.
Seymour: And special awards go to the 2 students who obviously had no help from their parents: Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum.Ralph: I'm Idaho!Seymour: Yes, of course you are.
- When Marge comes home in the middle of the night and apologizes for being out so late, Homer says it's like a heartwarming moment in a sitcom. He then trips over the ottoman.
92. - Homer the Vigilante
- The family wakes up and discovers that they have been burglarized.
Bart: Dad! We've been robbed!Lisa: [shouting rapidly] Wake up, Dad, wake up! There was a burglar and he took my saxophone!Homer: Woo-hoo!Bart: And our portable TV!Homer: D'oh!Marge: And my necklace!Homer: [nonchalantly] Eh, that's no big loss.Marge: Homer, that necklace was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom.Homer: Oh, you probably got a whole drawer full of 'em.Marge: [pulls a necklace from a huge wad of red pearl necklaces] Well, yes I do, but they're all heirlooms, too.Bart: Burglar even took my stamp collectionLisa: [in a mocking tone] You had a stamp collection?Homer, Marge, & Lisa: Ha ha ha ha ha! [the phone rings, Bart picks it up]Nelson: Stamp collection? Ha-ha!
- Homer attempts to use a megaphone designed for rappers.
Homer: [through Rap Master 3000] Move along there. [drives off]Kid on street: [gasps] It's Hammer!
- Homer and members of the Vigilante (Moe, Apu, Principal Skinner, & Barney) are patrolling the street they're walking on and see a street musician who's playing a saxophone.
Homer: Hey, you! Where'd you get that saxophone?Musician: [pause] Sears.Homer: GET HIM! [They proceed in chasing the guy.]
- Homer and his vigilantes kick a man's burning leaf pile.
Homer: No burning leaves without a permit!Man: I got one.Homer: [as the group members and him run away] TOO LATE!
- The vigilante group encounters Jimbo Jones using purple spray paint to write "CARPE DIEM" on a wall.
Homer: [holding a tire iron in his hand] You'd better have a good reason for doing that, boy.Jimbo: It makes me feel like a big man.Homer: Let me check my list. [checks it] Yep, it's there.Jimbo: Hey, you're that drunken posse. Wow! Can I join ya?Homer: I don't know, can you swing a sack of doorknobs?Jimbo: Can I!Homer: Okay, you're in. Here's the sack.Moe: But you gotta supply your own knobs.
- At the dinner table, Homer tells Lisa what the Vigilante is doing.
Homer: Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back, but we've also expanded into other important areas: Literacy programs. Preserving our beloved covered bridges. World domination.Lisa: [beratingly] World domination?Homer: [chuckling nervously] Eh, that might be a typo. [thinking] Mental note: the girl knows too much.
Lisa: If you're the police, who's going to police the police?Homer: I 'unno. Coast Guard?
93. - Bart Gets Famous
- Homer answers the phone at work.
- Homer is informed Bart went missing from the box factory field trip (he ran away to the TV studio next door):
Homer: [grabbing Principal Skinner] Whaddaya mean, you lost him? He might have fallen into one of these machines! [he notices Bart's hat on a box in the assembly line] Oh, my God: that's his lucky red hat! He's a box! My boy's a box! [looking at the sky] DAMN YOU! A BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX!
- Bart steals a Danish from Kent Brockman and gives it to Krusty (who also wants one).
Krusty: Oh, great. Now where am I gonna get a Danish?Bart: Here's a Danish, Krusty.Krusty: [excited] Gimme, gimme, gimme. [chews] Now that's Danish. Where'd you get it?Bart: I stole it from Kent Brockman.Krusty: Great. [stops chewing] He didn't touch it, did he?Bart: No.Krusty: [resumes chewing] Good job, kid. What's your name?Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. I saved you from jail... I reunited you with your estranged father... I saved your career, man! Remember your comeback special?Krusty: Yeah, well what have you done for me lately?Bart: I got you that Danish.Krusty: And I'll never forget it.
- A flashback of Homer as a teenager shows him performing "Tighten Up" by Archie Bell and the Drells as part of a one-man band. He ends up getting attacked by an Italian organ grinder's monkey.
- Bart tries to show Nelson, Lewis, Milhouse and Martin his name in the credits for Krusty's TV show.
Milhouse: Looks more like Brad Storch.Martin: No. It says Betty. Betty Symington.Nelson: [punches Bart in the stomach] That's for taking credit for other people's work!
- Bill & Marty on the radio after Bart's disastrous performance:
"And that was "Kung Fu Fighting". Say, speaking of one-trick ponies, whatever happened to that "I didn't do it" kid?" "Boy, did that get old fast. Whoa! You know, if you wanna last in this business, you gotta stay fresh." (cue wacky, recycled stock sound effects)
94. - Homer and Apu
- Homer confronts Apu at the Kwik-E-Mart after eating some rotten expired ham.
Homer: Your old meat made me sick!Apu: Oh, I'm so sorry. Please accept 5 pounds of frozen shrimp. [lifts up a bucket and places it on the counter]Homer: [picks up a shrimp and sniffs] This shrimp isn't frozen, and it smells funny!Apu: [lifts up a second bucket] Okay, 10 pounds.Homer: Woo-hoo! [Cuts to an ambulance]
- Apu tries to square himself with Homer.
Homer: You're...selling what now?Apu: I'm selling only the concept of karmic realignment.Homer: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos! [slams the door]Apu: He's got me there.
- Homer finds out Apu is hanging around the house still wanting forgiveness.
Homer: Is he still out there?Marge: Yes, he's raking the yard.Homer: What?! That's your job! If he starts doing Lisa's wood-chopping...!
- Homer compares Lisa's shenai playing to an album that Grampa released. (Which, sadly, we don't get more information on, not even in later episodes.)
- James Woods curses a blue streak as he's scraping caked cheese off the microwave walls and arguing with his agent on the phone. Not even Family Guy could come up with anything that funny for James Woods.
95. - Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy
- Grampa Abe rants about different things on the car ride home from the mall.
Abe: Why didn't you buy something useful, like storm windows, or a nice pipe organ? I'm thirsty. Eww, what smells like mustard? There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Ooh, look at that one! [Homer parks the car and the other family members quickly pile out] Ow, my glaucoma just got worse. The President is a Demmycrat! Hello? I can't unbuckle my seatbelt! HELLO! [honks car horn, despite being strapped in the backseat].
- This bit, when Lisa realizes her Malibu Stacy doll is sexist:
Lisa: They cannot keep making dolls like this! Something has to be done!
[Homer, Bart, and Marge continue eating normally]
- Grampa Abe decides to go back into the work force and takes a job at a local Krusty Burger.
Abe: [wearing a headset and twiddling knobs on a control panel] Come in, come in...Mayday! I'm losing your transmission...[A man is in his car outside, at the Krusty Burger drive-through. A line-up of cars is behind him.]Man: [yells] I said "FRENCH FRIES!"Abe: [surprised and uncertainly] What the...? Do we sell...French...fries?"
- Smithers turns on his computer to find some information about Stacy LaVelle for Lisa. A pixeled image of Mr. Burns (who is implied to be naked) shows up on the computer monitor.
Mr. Burns Image: Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on.Smithers: Uhmmm, you probably should ignore that...
- Lisa enters Stacy LaVelle's mansion. A teenager comes rushing behind her, exclaiming, "All right! I've been waiting nine years to get my Frisbee back!" and retrieves his Frisbee. Before the show cuts to commercial, we see the Frisbee fly back into Stacy's yard and the boy groans in exasperation.
- Lisa rants to Bart about how girls will be affected by Mailbu Stacy's shallow morals and throws the Talking Malibu Stacy out the window. Grampa Abe is riding a bike in the street in an attempt to be young and carefree. The doll gets caught in the spokes of the bike, sending Grampa screaming into an open grave (with two grave diggers having lunch and not doing anything about the old man who just fell in the hole).
Abe: Hey...this ain't so bad...
Lisa: It's not funny, Bart! Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act — that they can never be anything more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and land a rich husband! (fumes with rage)Bart: (beat) Just what I was gonna say.Lisa: (growls with rage)
- Before that, Lisa is outraged by Bart's comments about the doll's phrases and goes on a breathless rant, with Bart just staring at her on confusion.
- Grampa Abe decides to quit his job at Krusty Burger when he realizes the senior citizens are right to make complaints.
Abe: And one more thing! I never once washed my hands! That's your policy, not mine!
- The elderly diners lift Abe in victory — then promptly collapse because of their frailty.
96. - Deep Space Homer
- Homer becomes distraught at the NASA press conference.
- Homer's face changes into Popeye.
Homer: [in Popeye's voice] I CAN'T STANDS NO MORE!
- There's a Star Trek-esque fight that Barney and Homer participate in which is apparently part of astronaut training at NASA.
- "Esque" nothing. They use the actual fight music from the show. One of the scientists even bets in quatloos.
- Homer is told that astronaut training doesn't have a swimsuit competition like in beauty pageants.
Homer: You mean I shaved my bikini zone for nothing?!
- Barney takes a few sips of non-alcoholic champagne. The camera zooms in on Barney as dramatic music cues his shift back to alcoholism.
Barney: It BEGINS!
- Barney then struggles with NASA scientist Dr. Babcock for the champagne bottle, eventually taking it from him. He proceeds to hijack an experimental NASA jetpack. Barney hums an off-key rendition of the "Charge" song, proceeds to take off, flies for a few feet, before crashing face-first into the roof of a pillow factory, and then getting run over by a marshmallow truck.
Dr. Babcock: I don't understand. That was non-alcoholic champagne.
- Barney then struggles with NASA scientist Dr. Babcock for the champagne bottle, eventually taking it from him. He proceeds to hijack an experimental NASA jetpack. Barney hums an off-key rendition of the "Charge" song, proceeds to take off, flies for a few feet, before crashing face-first into the roof of a pillow factory, and then getting run over by a marshmallow truck.
- Kent Brockman: And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.
- Everything involving the Inanimate Carbon Rod.
- "Hey, what is that?" "It's an inanimate carbon rod!" Smash Cut to the rod on the cover of Time, followed by it getting a parade.
97. - Homer Loves Flanders
- Ned Flanders offers Homer the other football game ticket he won in a radio contest. Homer slams the door in his face and starts complaining.
Homer: [yelling at the ceiling] Why do you mock me, O Lord?Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.[Marge pries the waffle off of the ceiling. Homer catches it.]Homer: I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but... [nom] ...Mmm, sacrilicious.
- Ned drives past Lenny and Carl in the football stadium parking lot. Homer doesn't want to be seen with Ned, so he pushes Ned down to hide him.
Lenny: Hey look, Homer's got one of those robot cars![The car crashes because Ned could not see where he was driving]
Homer: (yells at Lenny and Carl) THIS IS NED FLANDERS, MY FRIEND!
Lenny: What did he say?
Carl: I don't know. Something about being gay.
- Homer receives the game ball from Stan Taylor. At home, he removes the wedding picture of Marge and him off the mantle so the football can go in its place, then throws the picture and frame in a garbage can.
Marge: [takes the picture out of the trash] Homer, that's our wedding photo.Homer: Marge, quit living in the past.
98. - Bart Gets an Elephant
- The Simpsons' house is very filthy and Marge prevents Bart, Homer, and Lisa from doing anything else until it's clean. She instructs each of them to choose a place they want to clean.
Homer: I CALL THE BASEMENT!Bart, Marge, and Lisa: [reluctantly, in unison] Fine!Homer: D'oh? [opens the basement door and sees a big mess] D'oh!
- In the basement, Homer gets high off the cleaner fumes (after not heeding to the warning, "Use only in well-ventilated area") and imagines all of the cleaner bottle mascots (the Turtle Wax turtle, Mr. Clean, the Scrubbing Bubbles) attacking him.
Mr. Clean: I must destroy you!(Homer starts screaming as the mascots attack him)Marge: What's going on down there?(The mascots stop attacking and look about sheepishly)Homer: ... nothing.Marge: Then stop screaming so loud!(The mascots go back to attacking Homer, who just whimpers quietly)
- Radio DJs Bill and Marty attempt to dissuade Bart from wanting the elephant gag prize.
Marty: We think we know how your mind works, Bart. So how about this: we pay your principal $10,000 to pull down his pants and keep them down for the rest of the school year, ha ha!Seymour: [deadpan] I'll do it, Bart.Bart: Ermmm...no.Bill: OK, OK...what if we use the $10,000 to, er, surgically transform Skinner here into, er...some kind of a lobster-like creature?Seymour: [deadpan] Now wait just a minute: that wasn't discussed with me.
- Bart and Homer are tossed out of the radio station because Bart demands an elephant. Homer says "Whee!" as he is thrown outside. Bart starts shouting loud enough outside the station to be heard over the airwaves.
Bart: [on the radio] Where's my elephant?!Abe: Hey, they're playing The Elephant Song.Jasper: I like this song. It reminds me of elephants.
- Kent Brockman reports on what happened to Bart.
Kent: So isn't that what we're all asking in our own lives: "Where's my elephant?" I know that's what I've been asking.
- Stampy uses his trunk to send a young boy flying a small distance in the backyard. Homer then demands payment from the boy's mother.
Homer: Your kid flew 10 feet. That counts as a ride. 2 bucks.
- When a cattle egret lands on Stampy and starts pecking him,
Homer: (gasps) That bird! He's killing the elephant! Stop him!
- When Stampy stomps through the Flanders' yard:
Ned: (wakes up) It's the four elephants of the apocalypse!
Maude: That's horsemen, Ned.
Ned: Well, gettin' closer. (goes back to sleep)
- Lisa blames Mr. Blackheart the ivory dealer for Bart and Stampy's disappearance. Homer becomes mad.
- A peanut factory foreman sees Stampy approaching the building.
Foreman: This is the moment we feared, people! Many of you thought it would never happen. But I insisted we spend 2 hours every morning training for it. You all thought I was mad. Many of you requested to be transferred to another peanut factory. But now we... [Stampy bursts through the door and crushes the foreman.]
- Homer hits a deer statue with his car.
Homer: D'oh!Lisa: A deer!Marge: A ''female'' deer!
- Homer is pulled out of the Tar Pits.
Homer: I'm saved! And I owe it all to this feisty feline....Lisa: Dad, a feline is a cat.Homer: Elephant. It's an elephant, honey. And I'm sure he'll make a grand piano.Lisa and Bar: Dad!
- When Stampy is brought to the elephant sanctuary at the end, Homer head-butts the guide repeatedly as the bull elephants head-butt each other.
99. - Burns' Heir
- Waylon Smithers has a bump in the road with the infatuation he has for his boss.
Mr. Burns: [sadly] Smithers, I just realized... I have no one to leave my legacy to. [Smithers clears his throat] You? (laughs) Oh, no my dear Smithers. I have a much greater reward in store for you. When I pass on, you shall be buried alive with me. [shows a diorama of the grisly plan, complete with screaming model Smithers]Smithers: ...Oh — goody.
- Mr. Burns holds auditions for a young man suitable enough to inherit his vast fortune.
Milhouse: I have nothing to offer you but my love.Mr. Burns: I specifically said, "No geeks!"Milhouse: But my mom says I'm cool.Mr. Burns: Next.Nelson: [demanding] Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!Mr. Burns: Oh, I like his energy. Put him on the call back list.Martin: [singing] "Clang, clang, clang went the trolley / Ring, ring, ring went the bell / Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings... / Oooh! [Nelson punches him]Mr. Burns. Thank you. Give the bully an extra point.
- Homer demands Bart to leave Mr. Burns' mansion and come home.
Mr. Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees at you? Well go ahead, do your worst![Bart, Mr. Burns, and Smithers retreat inside. Homer runs to the door and tries to open it.]Homer: He locked the door! I'll show him! [He rings the doorbell and runs away.]
- (There's something about the sheer incredulity in Homer's voice when he says "He locked the door!", as if it's something really unusual.)
- There's an alternate/deleted scene for Homer at Mr. Burns' mansion when he demands Bart to come home. (It was first shown on the "138 Episode Spectacular" clip show in Season 7.)
Mr. Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees at you? Well go ahead, do your worst!Mr. Burns: My worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.[A hidden door opens, and out pops...a robot that looks like Richard Simmons.]Robo-Simmons: [accosting Homer] Come on, big boy! Shake the butter off those buns![A speaker juts out the side of its head, and starts blasting a song by KC and the Sunshine Band called "(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty". After about 5 seconds of this, Homer screams in fear and runs away.]Robo-Simmons: [suddenly appearing next to Bart, Mr. Burns, and Smithers] Come on, come on, girls! Shake, shake, shake!Mr. Burns: [shooing Bart away] Smithers, it's out of control!Smithers: [pulls out a shotgun] I'll take it out, sir![Smithers fires a shot at the Robo-Simmons' head, leaving a huge hole...which then morphs back into place T-1000-style. Robo-Simmons continues singing and dancing, but the recording breaks down, then plays at many times the original place, as the robot shakes violently.]Smithers: His ass is gonna blow![They all scream and run back into the house. The robot then explodes, its severed head landing near the gates of Burns Manor.]
- Arguably the best part of that scene is how the way Mr. Burns says "The robotic Richard Simmons" indicates that he has other versions of robot Richard Simmons waiting to be unleashed.
- Homer: Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably! The lesson is, never try! (snickers at Bart) Right in the butt.
- Homer: Lisa, stop getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas!
- Homer: That's it! Abusing your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your room!
- Mr. Burns hires actors to play the rest of Bart's family so he can convince Bart to stay. He has to flip through the script to tell the fake Homer what his line is supposed to be because it was incorrect.
- Marge wants Hans Moleman (posing as Bart) out of the house. Homer kisses him on the forehead and says it's "like kissing a peanut".
100. - Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song
- Groundskeeper Willie has to catch Santa's Little Helper in the air ducts of Springfield Elementary school.
Willie: Lunchlady Doris...have ye got any grease?Doris: [flatly] Yes. Yes we do.Willie: [tears off his shirt] THEN GREASE ME UP, WOMAN!Doris: [stares, then goes back to usual] ...Okey-dokey.
- Willie: There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman!
- Apu rants to Principal Skinner about his novel idea which he calls Billy & The Clonesaurus.
Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through...[cut to later, and Apu is still ranting]...it was on the bestseller list for 18 months! Every magazine cover had...[cut again to later still]...one of the most popular movies of all time, sir! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? I mean, thank you, come again.
- When Bart visits Skinner at boot camp, Skinner calls off a rocket-launching drill. Since the fuses had already been lit, the troops could only redirect their shots. Cut to Apu opening up a gas station just outside the Kwik-E-Mart and noticing something coming from the sky. The scene then cuts back to Skinner and Bart, just as a familiar-looking "K" lands several meters away.
101. - The Boy Who Knew Too Much
- As Bart is walking down the street, he sees Homer and Homer spots him. Both of them gasp and hide behind a wall.
Bart: I can't let Dad see me playing hooky.Homer: I can't let the boy see me skipping work.[Bart brushes his hair forward; Homer uses a comb as a mustache]Bart: [walking past] Good afternoon.Homer: [walking past] How do you do, sir?Bart & Homer: [chuckle] Sucker...
- Principal Skinner is pursuing a truant Bart (who ditched school), and walks straight through a river.
- At Freddie Quimby's trial, Homer (on jury duty) knows Bart can somehow read his thoughts, and then goes into the Meow Mix jingle.
- Freddy Quimby's trial is going smoothly until Freddy believes his lawyer mispronounces a certain word.
Lawyer: Even though I've proven Freddy Quimby's innocence already, I would like to call him to the stand so we can all bask in his gentle decency. [Freddy takes the stand] Mr. Quimby, did you assault Mister Lacoste?Freddy: Of course not, I love every living thing on God's green earth.Lawyer: Well then, you'd certainly never become incensed over something as trivial as the pronouncement of "chowder"?Freddy: That's chowdah! CHOWDAH!! I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! Especially those of you in the jury!! [people in the courtroom gasp]
- Lionel Hutz has Dr. Hibbert on the stand for use as testimony against Freddy Quimby. He doesn't understand what he says afterward.
Lionel: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty, but that he is also innocent of not being guilty. I refer you to my expert witness, Dr. Hibbert.Dr. Hibbert: Well, only one in two million people has what we call the "evil gene". Hitler had it, Walt Disney had it, and... Freddy Quimby has it.Lionel: Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. I rest my case.Judge: You rest your case?Lionel: What? Oh no, I thought that was just a figure of speech. Case closed.
- At the hotel, Homer watches Free Willy on the television.
Homer: Jump, Free Willy. Jump! Jump with all your might![On the TV, Willy jumps over a rock barrier as a little boy smiles, but a shadow looms on his face and the smile turns to fear; the boy gets crushed by the whale.]Woman on TV: Oh, no. Willy didn't make it. And he crushed our boy!Man on TV: Ew. What a mess.Homer: Ohh, I don't like this new director's cut.
- During his clash with his conscience, Bart decides to watch TV.
Announcer: Next up on Magarnacle, Magarnacle is framed for a crime he didn't commit. The only witness - a little sissy boy too scared to confess.Magarnacle: Tell them what you saw, Billy.Billy: (through tears) But I'm so scared, Mister Magarnacle.Magarnacle: You gotta do this for me, kid.Billy: Okay. For you, Magarnacle!(The scene cuts to Da Chief ranting at Magarnacle)Da Chief: Well, Magarnacle, Billy is DEAD because of you! They slashed his throat from ear to ear!Magarnacle: Hey, I'm trying to eat lunch here!
102. - Lady Bouvier's Lover
- Mr. Burns is smitten with Marge's mother.
Mr. Burns: I'm in love!Smithers: [flatly] Whoop-de-do, sir.Mr. Burns: Yes, whoop-de-do! Whoop-de-do to the world! Whoop-de-do, Mr. Florist! Whoop-de-do, Mr. Physical Trainer! Whoop-de-do, Mr. President!Bill Clinton: I'm happy you finally found love.Mr. Burns: Whoop-de-do, Tarantula Town! [talks into the Nuclear Plant's speaker system] Whoop-de-do, employees! Everyone that's found true love may leave early today![Homer and a bunch of excited employees run off, leaving one sad worker by himself.]
- Abe's reaction when he believes he's in love.
Grandpa: Oooh, I feel all funny.... I'm in love! ...No, wait. It's a stroke!Cuts to an ambulance zooming down the streetGrandpa: Wait, it IS love!The ambulance stops and tosses the stretcher carrying Grandpa into the road, which goes zooming down itGrandpa: I'M IN LOOOOOOVVVEEEEEEE!!!! The stretcher carrying him zips down the off-ramp into a freeway
103. - Secrets of a Successful Marriage
- Carl tells Homer that he's slow. By the time he's processed what he's just heard, a few hours have passed.
Homer's Brain: Something was said, not good! What was it? "Don't yell at Homer?" No, that's okay... [gasp] Slow! They called you slow.''Homer: How dare you call me that! I... huh? [He finds that it's now late at night and everyone is gone. Lenny is in his pajamas at the fridge.]Lenny: Whoa, Homer, you're still here? Wow, you are slow!Homer's Brain: Something was said, not good...!Lenny: Get the hell out!
- Homer tries to liken a good marriage to eating an orange.
Willie: If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I would've taken the orange-eatin' class.[cut to said class]Moleman: The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage.Abe: JUST EAT THE DAMN ORANGES!
- Homer chats with the Krusty Burger order box — which, in the city of Springfield, is a felony offense.
- Marge doesn't like Homer telling his class secrets about their marriage. He tries to defend it.
Homer: Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like — I'm the one out there putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge! It's Chinatown!"Marge: [yanks Homer's collar; yells] Homer, don't ever tell them personal stuff about me again!Homer: [sheepishly] Yes, ma'am.
- Lisa encounters Homer's fake version of Marge he made out of a tall plant and a paper plate stuck to it for her face.
Homer: Good news, Lisa. I don't need your mother anymore. I've created a replacement that's superior to her in almost every way!Lisa: Dad, that's just a plant.Homer: Lisa! You will respect your new mother! Now, give her a kiss. KIIIIISS her! [The plant falls out of the treehouse and smashes] Aah! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! All right, let's get our stories straight — she tripped, right?Lisa: ...Look, I brought you some rice pudding.
- Homer asks his brain for advice on winning Marge back.
Homer's Brain: [rapidly] Eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding.
- Homer: [to Marge] That's it! I've found out what I can give you that no one else can: Complete and utter dependence!
- Homer runs a red light, claiming he's allowed to do it since he's a teacher. Ms. Hoover overhears him, exclaims "I didn't know we could do that!," and proceeds to run the light as well.
Season 6: part 1
104. - Bart of Darkness
- Springfield is being affected by a heat wave.
- Hans Moleman stares at the sun. His Coke bottle glasses concentrate the sun rays and set him on fire, burning him similar to what a magnifying glass does to an ant.
- Principal Skinner complains that he's up to his knees in the original cast of M*A*S*H. (He is in a wax museum that apparently had fresh wax figures that weren't dried yet or their wasn't any means of keeping the figures from melting.)
- A hippie makes the mistake of singing John Denver's "Sunshine on My Shoulders" and is punched by a random guy (who looks like the one that insulted Barney Gumble when Barney was dressed up as the Lullabuy$ baby).
- Bart and Lisa nag Homer for a swimming pool in their backyard.
Lisa: Dad, as you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of...Bart & Lisa: [rapidly, in unison] Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad?Bart: Can we- [Lisa stops him]Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
- The Simpson family's first attempt at building a backyard pool turns into a large barn being built.
Homer: All right! Everybody in the pool!Random Amish Man: Tis a fine barn, but it sure ain't no pool, English.Homer: D'OH-ETH!
- Bart playing Stratego by himself.
Bart: I swear, I don't know where the bombs are! Only the miners know that!
- Homer and Marge are skinny dipping. A police helicopter flies over.
Chief Wiggum: Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Aw, c'mon. Continue! C'mon! [Beat] All right, Lou, open fire.
- Bart using the telescope and spying on L.B. Jefferies from Rear Window.
L.B. Jefferies: [after Bart leaves his room to try to save Lisa] Oh no! That crazy looking kid is coming to kill me! Help! Help! [falls over in his wheelchair]
- Bart: There was an optics festival and I wasn't informed?! You go now.
- Lisa is trapped in the pool after everyone gets out to go swim at Martin's pool.
Lisa: Huh? Hello? Hey, I'm stuck in here! I gotta think of a way to get out!Lisa's Brain: Well, well, well. Look who's come crawling back.
- Ned Flanders was mistaken for murdering his wife Maude. Homer doesn't realize Maude is right there with the others.
Homer: There's still the little matter of the whereabouts of your wife!Maude: Um, I'm right here.Homer: Oh, I see! So then I guess everything's all wrapped up in a neat little package! [Beat] Really, I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic!
- When Martin gets his own pool:
Martin:Soon I'll be queen of summer! Oh, uh king! King!" (Cut to two bemused-looking pool guys)
- Later, when Martin's pool has been destroyed by having too many kids in at once, Nelson yanks his trunks off and leaves him standing naked and forlorn amidst the wreckage of his pool. Then Martin starts singing.
105. - Lisa's Rival
- Lisa's class is taking a test.
Ralph: [whispering] Lisa, what's the answer to number 9?Lisa: [whispering] Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.Ralph: [pause] My cat's name is Mittens.
- Marge and Lisa agree about their food tasting weird. Homer tells them why it does.
Marge: Homer, I really appreciate you making dinner, but this food tastes a little strange.Lisa: It hurts my teeth.Homer: That's because I've loaded it with sugar! [holds up a bag containing "Farmer Homer's Sweet Sweet Sugar"] Marge, our ship has come in! I found 500 pounds of sugar in the forest that I'm going to sell directly to the consumer! All for a low, low price of $1 per pound.Marge: But the grocery store sells sugar for 35 cents a pound.Lisa: And it doesn't have nails and broken glass in it.Homer: Those are prizes! [eats a mouthful, then takes something out of his mouth] Ooh, a blasting cap.
- Marge wants Homer to get rid of the sugar pile. Homer gives her reasons for why he won't do it.
Homer: Never, Marge. Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"
- Bart somehow got Milhouse's name on the FBI Most Wanted List.It ends up with him in a parody of The Fugitive.
- Some bees find their way to Homer's sugar pile and start eating it. Homer tries to shoo them away and he gets stung by them.
Homer: OW!! AHHHH! They're defending themselves somehow!
- The beekeepers find out their bees were attracted to Homer's sugar pile. For whatever reason, they're modeled after Adam West and Burt Ward as Batman and Robin.
Beekeeper #1: Simpson, you diabolical...
- Homer's fear about people taking his sugar proves accurate when he finds an Englishman in it, holding a cup of tea.
Homer: Alright pal, start talking. Where'd you get the sugar for that tea?Man: I nicked it, when you let your guard down for that split second, and I'd do it again. (sips tea, while walking away) Goodbye.
- Lisa gets depressed that Allison gets a seat in the school band and does an imagine spot where the second best musicians to form the second best band only to get booed.
Lisa: Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?
106. - Another Simpsons Clip Show
- Marge tells Homer that he spent his Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool instead of working all day at the nuclear plant.
- Homer throws Marge's copy of The Bridges of Madison County into a fireplace that magically appeared in the bedroom (it was actually recycled footage from "Dog of Death").
- The DVD commentary for the episode. Since it was a clip show and a little thin on humor and actual plot, the writers used the commentary time to go over how a Simpsons episode is created from start to finish. After an exhaustive cataloging of the tremendous amount of work that goes into each one, David Mirkin notes that the process isn't truly complete until the fans label it the worst episode ever (even if the episode is considered one of the classics).
107. - Itchy and Scratchy Land
- When Bart and Lisa eagerly ask Marge if they can go to Itchy and Scratchy Land. Marhge straight-up says "no"and tells them they're going to see the bird sanctuary. Cut to Bart and Lisa looking both crestfallen and slightly off-model.
- Marge leaves Grampa Abe some instruction on how to take care of the household pets while they are on vacation.
Marge: [to Abe] And remember, every morning give one bowl of Kibble to Santa's Little Helper. Do you want me to write any of this down?Abe: No! I ain't senile, dad-blast it.Marge: OK, bye-bye.Homer: Bye!Bart: Bye!Lisa: Bye, Grampa! [Homer drives the car away]Abe: Wait a minute! What was that last thing you said? "Grampa's Little Helper"...what's that? [looks to the animals] Which one of you is the mailman?[The animals roll their eyes slowly towards one another.]
- Homer and Marge go to a 70s nostalgia bar. Marge notes how the bartender looks like John Travolta. The bartender, who is indeed Travolta, mutters "Yeah, looks like."
- Some people would say it's even funnier considering he would make his comeback with Pulp Fiction right around this episode's original airdate.
- Bart and Lisa view an Itchy & Scratchy short where Itchy is "Pinitchio".
Scratchy (Geppetto): Now you be-a good, Pinitchio. And don't-a you lie.Itchy (Pinocchio): I promise I will never hurt you.[Pinitchio's nose grows and skewers one of Scratchy's eyes out.]Scratchy (Geppetto): OUCH-A!
- Bart and Lisa check out what is for sale at the gift shop.
Bart: Cool...personalized plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"..."Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"?Boy: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.Mother: No. Come along, Bort.Man: Are you talking to me?Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.
- The vacation starts turning into hell for the Simpson family.
Marge: [to clerk] I want all 5 T-shirts to say "Best Family Vacation Ever!".P.A.: Attention, Marge Simpson! Your son has been arrested.[shoppers gasp]Female Shopper: I'd be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy's mother...[Marge groans]P.A.: Attention, Marge Simpson! We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.[Marge groans more]
- On top of that, notice the clerk very quickly pressing the first shirt before Marge can change her mind.
- As Lisa and Marge go to get Homer and Bart, a park employee reports that all the Bort license plates have been bought in the gift shop.
- This led to defictionalization, as the Universal Studios theme parks sell Bort key-chains. And yes, they frequently sell out.
- Lisa and Marge arrive at the jail cell with Homer and Bart inside.
Marge: Oh, I'm so embarrassed I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die.Guard: [German accent] OK, throw her in the hole.Marge: Oh, please: it was just a figure of speech!
- Professor Frink believes his math is correct, but he ends up tempting fate.
- The Simpson family is left to deal with an army of killer Itchy & Scratchy robots. As they use flash photography to stop the robots, Homer attempts to imitate Bart channeling his inner movie action hero.
Homer: Die bad robots! Die! [laughs] With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero.
108. - Sideshow Bob Roberts
- Marge gets rid of Bart's fireworks, believing that they're for a prank.
Bart: [condescending tone] Well, um, I'm doing a school project on, er, fireworks. [displays a bundle]Marge: Mmm...Bart, I wish you wouldn't lie like that. [takes the bundle, douses it in sink, and throws it away][Cut to Springfield Elementary School]Seymour: And now, as a special sendoff and a way to say "Gong Hei Fat Choy" to our visiting Chinese principals, Bart Simpson has promised us a fireworks display. [He motions to Bart; Bart looks at Mrs. Krabappel and she groans as she gives him an "F".]Principal #1: All week, he promise big firework display.Principal #2: Bad student.Principal #1: Uh-uh...bad principal.
- When Sideshow Bob is released from jail, he falls into the water because the prison is established on an island.
Guard: Boat's on the other side!Bob: Yes, thank you.
- The local Republicans meet at Castle Dracula and start off every meeting with Ominous Latin Chanting. Then they select a new mayoral candidate, which happens to be Sideshow Bob.
Barlow: If you'll just open that door, you'll see the next mayor of Springfield.[The door opens to reveal a water cooler; everyone applauds. The cooler bubbles.]Senator: What'd it say?Barlow: No, no, no, Bob. Bob, come in!Bob: A fine "Mahoke" to you all.Dr. Hibbert: Why, he's even better!Rainier: I agree. I like the human touch.
- Jimbo Jones bums bumper stickers off Bart and Lisa. He covers Milhouse in a bunch of them, puts him in a shopping cart, and rolls him down a hill.
Jimbo: All right! The mummy's ready for his mystical journey!
- Bob: That was a big mistake, Bart. No child has ever meddled with the Republican party and lived to tell about it.
- Sideshow Bob kicks Bart out of his limo. Next, Homer gets kicked out of a car with the Archie gang - "Duhh, stay outta Riverdale!". Noodle incidentary at it's finest!
- The Springfield voters can be pretty stupid.
- Homer is shown inside a voting booth, reading a pamphlet.
Homer: Hmm, I don't approve of his Bart killing policy. But I do approve of his Selma killing policy. [pulls lever]
- After him there's a cut to Krusty in the voting booth.
Krusty: He did frame me for armed robbery, but man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut. [pulls lever]
- Homer is shown inside a voting booth, reading a pamphlet.
- The Simpsons family gets a rude awakening due to an earthquake-like rumble.
Homer: Aaaaahhhh! It's the rapture! Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes! [he runs outside and sees Mayor Sideshow Bob]Bob: So sorry, Mr. Simpson. Your house is blocking construction for our new Matlock Expressway. [A big bridge is seen under construction above the Simpsons residence and other surrounding houses.] However, I an a fair man. You will have 72 hours to vacate. At that time, we will blow up your house and any remaining Simpsons.Marge: Homer, we have to stop them!Homer: I know what you're up to, Mayor Terwiggiger. And no one in my family is gonna stand for it![A honking sound is heard on the bridge where Grampa Abe is driving a car.]Grampa: Move your gol-darn house, son!
- Bart and Lisa are told to meet a mysterious man in a parking garage, as he has information to give them.
Lisa: This is so cool, Bart. We're just like Woodward and Bernstein.Homer: [reading the comic and grumbling] Stuck-up Riverdale punks. Think they're too good for me.
- Bart And Lisa finding out Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper apparently voted for Bob. The Bopper's tombstone has a figure of him holding a telephone with "GOOOOODBYE, BABY!" inscribed under it.
Bart: Hey, um...he did try to kill me.
- Bart's reaction to Lisa declaring "Now it's personal!" after finding out her dead cat was involved in Bob's election fraud.
- There's a decent A Few Good Men parody between Bart and Sideshow Bob in court.
Bob: What do you want?Bart: We want the truth!Bob: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler, you! Bah, I deride your truth-handling abilities!
- Sideshow Bob's gives a political satire speech in court.
Bob: Because you need me, Springfield! Your guilty consciences may force you to vote Democratic, but inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! That's why I did this! To protect you from yourselves! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a city to run.Judge Snyder: Bailiffs, place the mayor under arrest!Bob: What? ... oh, yes. All that stuff I did.
- Mayor Quimby's political jingle.
- Without a Mayor Quimby, our town would really stink.We wouldn't have a tire yard or a mid-sized roller rink.We wouldn't have our gallows, or our shiny Bigfoot trap.It's not the mayor's fault that the stadium collapsed!
- Bart being sent back to kindergarten by Bob's manipulations. He turns out to be perfectly happy with it.
- Adding to this is when Skinner informs Bart about this. Mrs. Krabapple appears behind Bart with a bottle of wine and a wine glass, and laughs at him.
109. - Treehouse of Horror Vnote
A. - The Shinning
- The Simpson family is driving to Mr. Burns' lodge.
[The title card says "Tuesday", then cut to the family in the car]Homer: Well, it's been a long trip, but we're almost there.Marge: Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house?Homer: D'oh![Cut to title card that says "Wednesday", then back to the family]Homer: Well, it's been two long trips, but we're almost there again.Marge: Homer, when you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?Homer: D'oh-d'oh![cut to title card that says "Thursday", then back to the now tired family, only this time, Grampa Abe is missing]Lisa: [gasps] Oh no! We left Grampa back at the gas station! [dead silence] What about Grampa?
- Bart uses a chainsaw to saw his way out of a hedge maze. Groundskeeper Willie finds out Bart has the Shinning and advises him when to use it.
Bart: Hey! I found a shortcut through your hedge maze.Willie: Why you little- [thinking] No, no, go easy on the wee one. His father's going to go crazy and chop 'em all into Haggis!Bart: What's Haggis?Willy: [gasps] Boy...you read my thoughts! You've got the Shinning.Bart: You mean "Shining".
- Marge discovers a phrase written on the walls: "NO TV AND NO BEER MAKE HOMER GO CRAZY"
Homer: [eerily calm] So, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking of something along the lines of "No TV and no beer make Homer" something something.Marge: [nervous] Go crazy?Homer: [hysterically] Don't mind if I do! [goes on a wacky rant][Marge screams and smashes open a case labeled "Break glass in case of spousal insanity" and grabs the baseball bat within.]Marge: Stay away from me, Homer!Homer: [chases Marge up some stairs] Give me the bat, Marge. Gimme the bat. Gimmethebat! Come on! Gimmethebat! Gimme the bat! [says random words and makes a scary face] Ha ha ha! Scaredy cat! [makes another scary face] Bleaahhh... [sees himself in a mirror] AAAAAHH! [falls down the stairs, knocking himself out; Marge leaves his unconscious body locked in a pantry]
- Homer: "Can't murder now. Eating."
- As the rest of the family is eating dinner, Homer has been dragged out of the food pantry and he starts chopping down doors with an axe.
[Homer chops through a door with an axe]Homer: Heeeere's Johnny! [the camera pulls back to reveal an empty room] D'oh![Homer chops through a second door]Homer: Daaaaavid Letterman! [Grampa Abe is seen, despite that the family left him at the gas station in the beginning, it's snowing, and him known for being senile]Abe: Hi David, I'm Grampa!Homer: D'oh![Homer chops through a third door]Homer: [holding a ticking stopwatch] I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!Family: Aah! [they get up and start running]
- Groundskeeper Willie dies from being axed in the back by psychopathic Homer.
Willie: I'm coming to rescue the lot of you! [opens door to lodge] All right, loony: show me what you got![Homer drives an axe into his back]Willie: Ack! Is that the best you can do? [collapses to the floor]
- Homer sees the hand held TV Lisa finds in the snow.
Homer: Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret lover... Urge to kill fading...fading...fading... (family approaches) RISING!...fading...fading...gone.
- The family becomes frozen from sitting in the cold snow and is forced to watch the Tony Awards, hosted by Tyne Daly, as "One" from A Chorus Line is performed.
Homer: Urge to kill rising.
B. - Time and Punishment
- Homer's hand gets stuck in the toaster. TWICE.
- As Homer realizes he's moving through time:
Homer: Look at that! I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time!Mr. Peabody: Correction, Homer: You are the second.Sherman: That's right, Mr. Peabody!Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you!
- Given Brick Joke status when Mr. Peabody and Sherman end up replacing Kang and Kodos in a later scene.
- Homer thinks back to his father warning him about the Butterfly Effect on his wedding day: not to touch anything when in the distant past (in this case, prehistoric times).
- How Homer breaks the timeline in the first place. Having resolved not to kill anything, a mosquito buzzes past him. Annoyed, Homer swats it.
Homer: But that was just one innocent little mosquito. Surely that can't change the future, right?(A giant sloth walks past, shrugs and makes a "I dunno" noise)
- Ned Flanders as the unquestioned lord and master of the world. And yet he's still Ned, even when he's talking about total frontal lobotomies.
- Homer goes back in time to change Earth from being run by Ned Flanders. A stereotypical Darwin fish crawls out of a lake and he absently squashes it.
Homer: Oh, I wish I wish I hadn't killed that fish...
- Homer accidentally sneezes... and starts a chain reaction that ends with all the dinosaurs dead.
- What really sells this is all the dinosaurs are literally standing in a perfect line, dying one after another as Homer looks on.
- Homer arrives back in the present with the time machine toaster. The house has been transformed into a luxurious estate.
Lisa: Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?Homer: Hmm. Fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan. Woo-hoo! I hit the jackpot! [he sits down at the table, trying to sound like a rich gentleman] Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut?Marge: Donut? What's a donut?[Homer screams like a crazy man and runs back to the time machine. Marge looks out the window and sees donuts falling from the sky.]Marge: [nonchalantly] Hmph. It's raining again.
- No thanks to his love of donuts and leaving too soon, Homer paradoxically throws away paradise.
- Immediately afterwards, Homer goes back to prehistoric times and smashes stuff.
Homer: Don't touch anything?! I'll touch whatever I feel like! [He begins beating every animal and tree he sees with a wooden club. He stomps on one small animal, but the topper is when he punches a huge prehistoric mosquito before beating it with his club.]
- Groundskeeper Willie dies again in a Sound of Thunder spoof.
Willie: You're still not in your own world, Homer! I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as I... [Maggie drives an axe into his back] Argh! [collapses]Maggie (voiced by James Earl Jones): This is indeed a disturbing universe.
C. - Nightmare Cafeteria
- The school staff's behavior is undeniably horrific, but some of it is kind of funny.
Principal Skinner: That's your third helping, young man. It'll make you fat and plump... (licks lips) and tender. (regains composure) Uh, you just cut in line, didn't you? Report to detention, Uter.Uter: For how long?Skinner: Oh, about seven minutes a pound should do...
- "Easy there, young man, you'll only make yourself tired and stringy. Now, to check on the free range children!"
- Groundskeeper Willie gets a third axe in the back death.
Willie: Hang on, kids! I'm comin' to rescue the lot of ya! I'll- [Principal Skinner puts an axe in his back] Ach, I'm bad at this. [collapses]
Simpson Family: "One! — chorus line of people, dancing till they make us stopWillie: [also inside-out] Too!Everyone ...many dancing people, covered with blood, gore, and glop. Just one sniff of that fog and you're inside out: It's worse than that flesh-eating virus you're read about! Vital organs, they are what we're dressed in. The family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine. Happy Halloween!"
- It turns out this segment was simply a bad dream of Bart's. He's safe with his family from everything... except the fog that turns people inside-out seeps into his bedroom. After they're turned inside-out, the Simpson family sings a demented version of "One".
110. - Bart's Girlfriend
- While most of the kids are playing "cowboys and indians", Nelson comes in with a Nerf-like gun and cleans house.
Bart: That's not fair, Nelson. They didn't have the Killmatic 3000 back then.
Nelson: Hey, records from that era are spotty, at best.
- Groundskeeper Willie goes on about the history of the kilt before Bart pranks him.
Willie: Now the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ballgown covered with sequins! The idea was to blind your enemies with lighting.[Bart then ties balloons to Willie's kilt, with the audience reacting with disgust at what lies under]Willie: Ahh, 'tis no more than what God gave me, you Puritan pukes.
- After Jessica and Bart (unwillingly) pull the Springfield Elementary fire alarm, panic ensues, though Groundskeeper Willie has one concern.
Willie: If I don' save the wee tur'les, who will?! [He kicks open a door to a lab and rushes in. Moments later, he runs back out, with turtles biting him all over] Gah! Save me from the wee tur'les! They were too quick for me!
- Marge notices Bart's behavior is different and talks to Homer about it.
Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?Homer: New glasses?Marge: No...he looks like something might be disturbing him.Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.Marge: That's not what I meant.Homer: It was, Marge. Admit it.
- Homer putting in a coupon for 30 cents off Shake 'n Bake in the church collection plate.
Marge: 30 cents off Shake N' Bake? Homer!Homer: We can spare it, Marge. We've been blessed.
- Bart skates over a sunflower seed carried by an ant and falls down the hill.
- What really sells this is that a seed is what stops him after everything he went through. This was not only an extremely steep hill, but there was a crashed and spilled gravel truck, a crashed and spilled ball bearings truck, and then a glue truck which subverts the previous 2 vehicles.
Driver 1: Any glue leaking?Driver 2: Nah, that glue ain't going nowhere. [Bart zips past them]
- A battered Bart lands at the bottom of the hill.
Driver 2: Oh no! There goes the glue after all![Bart turns to see a tidal wave of glue heading toward him, and is completely covered by it]Bart: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
- What really sells this is that a seed is what stops him after everything he went through. This was not only an extremely steep hill, but there was a crashed and spilled gravel truck, a crashed and spilled ball bearings truck, and then a glue truck which subverts the previous 2 vehicles.
- Bart hears angelic singing, which he thinks is Jessica.
Lisa: Bart, be strong! You don't need that little hellcat!Bart: Oh, Lise. She's already drawing me to her beautiful siren song...[runs into the church]Ned Flanders: [singing falsetto]Bart: [shudders] That's very disturbing...
- Genius Bonus: The song Flanders is singing is J.S. Bach's "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring".
- After Jessica steals the collection money, leaving Bart to take the blame, he quickly bolts, leaping out of an open window.
Homer: [AFTER Bart escapes] Stop him! He's headed for the window!
111. - Lisa On Ice
- Principal Skinner speaks over the PA system to the students.
Seymour: [over the PA] Attention, this is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the Principal's Office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. [to himself] Damnit, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one.note
- SNPP.com added the perfect observation: "Memorial? Butthead's dead?"
- Dolph writes "Beat up Martin" into his Apple Newton (an early 1990s digital note-taker that was notorious for mistranslating what people write), only for the phrase to be misprinted as "Eat up Martha".
- Ralph Wiggum is called forward to receive an academic alert.
Seymour: [announcing to students in auditorium] All right, first academic alert. Wiggum, Ralph.Ralph: I won, I won! [he happily walks up to receive one]Seymour: No, no, Ralph. This means you're failing English.
- Chief Wiggum: We won! We won! But uh, since I bet on the other team, we won't be going for pizza.
- Lisa worries that failing gym is going to haunt her. A futuristic vision shows Lisa being inaugurated in as President of the United States.
Supreme Court Justice: I now pronounce you President of these United —Reporter: Stop the inauguration! I just discovered our President-Elect got an F in second grade gym class![crowd gasps; Lisa is handcuffed]Justice: [to Lisa] In that case, I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island! Don't worry, it's just a name.[Later, Lisa and others are chased by fire-breathing monsters]Lisa: He said it was just a name!Man: What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula!
- Lisa tries out for volleyball. Instead of catching the ball, one of the points on her hair pops it. The coach has this to say:
Coach: Children, that was our only ball. There'll be no team this year.
- Homer allows Lisa to ride in the passenger seat of his car.
Homer: Okay, little buddy, hop in![Bart steps forward]Homer: Ah bah! I mean my little girl buddy.Lisa: That's very nice, Dad, but it's wrong for you to reward violent, competitive behavior. However, I will sit up front with you if it's a fatherly gesture of love.Homer: Okay, hon.[Lisa gets into the car]Homer: Sucker! Competitive violence! That's why you're here!
- Bart fails to be a scholar due to him being a slacker in school all his life and irritating Mrs. Krabappel. Jimbo, Kearney, and Nelson restrain Bart to the ground.
Nelson: [beating up Bart] This is for wasting teacher's valuable time!Lisa: [punches Jimbo, pulls his shirt halfway over his head] Lay off, guys! He's with me.[Kearney and Nelson back away. Jimbo also backs away partially due to him being Lisa's teammate.]Jimbo: [pointing to Bart] It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be your sister's brother!
- The success Lisa has in hockey begins to make Bart jealous.
Bart: [sarcastically] Hello, Queen Lisa.Lisa: Bart! What are you doing in my room?Bart: Lisa, certain differences, rivalries, if you will, have come up between us. At first I thought we could talk it over like civilized people. But instead, I just ripped the head off Mr. Honeybunny! [Holds up a headless stuffed rabbit in one hand, its head in the other hand.]Lisa: Bart, that was your cherished childhood toy.Bart: Aah! Mr. Honeybunny! [tries to repair it, kisses it numerous times]Homer: [from downstairs] Quiet down, Bart!Lisa: Bart, just get outta here.Bart: Hey: it's a free country. You get out.Lisa: That doesn't make sense.Bart: I know you are, but what am I?Lisa: Get out, get out!Bart: OK, but on my way, I'm going to be doing this. [windmills arms] If you get hit, it's your own fault.Lisa: OK, then I'm going to start kicking air like this. [kicks] And if any part of you should fill that air, [kicks] it's your own fault.
- They walk towards each other, then start fighting. In the kitchen, Marge overhears Bart and Lisa's yells as she's taking a pie out of the oven.
Marge: Oh, I better go check that out. [to Homer] Now Homer, don't you eat this pie!Homer: Okay... [Marge leaves] All right, pie, I'm just gonna do this. [chomps air 3 times] And if you get eaten, it's your own fault! [walks towards the pie, chomps air 5 times, and his head hits the range head] Ow! Oh, my... aw, the hell with it. [grabs the pie and eats it, chewing noisily]
- They walk towards each other, then start fighting. In the kitchen, Marge overhears Bart and Lisa's yells as she's taking a pie out of the oven.
- At the hockey game between Bart's team and Lisa's team, Homer asks Marge which kid she likes best.
Homer: Now that we’re all alone, Marge, admit it, you like Lisa best.Marge: No.Homer: Oh, so you’re a Bart-woman are you?!Marge: No.Homer: Well you can’t possible like Maggie best. What has she ever done? Nothin’ for nobody![Maggie jumps up to intercept a beer bottle flying at Homer's head.]
- Snake reacts to Bart and Lisa hugging.
Snake: Those two are, like, so sweet. If only they'd had peewee hockey when I was a lad. [Beat] Oh well. [Picks up crowbar and uses it to start tearing the stadium seats apart]
- Before that, the crowd's reaction to the tie.
Man in audience: Tie game?Woman: What the hell?Man: What a ripoff!Hans Moleman: We paid for bloooooood!Chief Wiggum: Let's tear this place apart!(they do, the entire stadium falls apart instantly)
112. - Homer Badman
- A flashback shows how Homer got the winning candy bar — rummaging through a bunch of them at the Kwik-E-Mart.
Apu: Hey. Hey! Hey! I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice but to... ask you nicely again.
- Bart is disappointed finding out which babysitter will watch Lisa, Maggie, and him.
Marge: (the doorbell rings) Oh, that's the babysitter. No one in town will sit for you two anymore. I had to choose between a grad student at the university and a scary-looking hobo.
Bart: (goes to answer door) Please the hobo, please the hobo, please the hobo.. (opens it)
Ashley: Hi, I'm Ashley Grant.
Bart: (groans) Oh...
- Homer steals the Gummi Venus-De-Milo. Marge and him make a daring escape from the candy convention. Homer mixes a can of cola with some Pop Rocks and uses it like a grenade to stop the candy conventioneers from advancing.
Homer: SEE YOU IN HELL, CANDY BOYS! [he dramatically jumps away from the explosion]
- The writers referred to this as "a parody of every Bruce Willis movie ever made".
- The protestors rocking Homer's car as he tries to get to work. They continuing doing this even when he's at his work station.
Protestor 1: Try pushing your buttons now!
Protestor 2: We're not even crazy about nuclear power!
Smithers: (walking in) Hey, you people aren't allowed in here! (the protesters go quiet)
Homer: (dejected) It's okay, they're with me. (Smithers leaves and they get back to yelling at Homer)
- As Homer gets out of the shower, he sees a helicopter hovering outside his bathroom window, causing him to shriek and fall over, getting wrapped in his shower curtain. It is quickly being shown on the television.
Newsman: Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent, which he believes gives him sexual powers!
Homer: Hey, that's a half-truth!
- Kent Brockman: This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at 8:00 for highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came and when Marge Simpson put the cat out...possibly because it was harassed, we don't know.
- Homer needs help to clear his name.
Homer: Help me, God! (phone rings and Homer answers) ...Hello?
Deep Voice: Hello Homer. This is God...frey Jones from the TV magazine show "Rock Bottom".
- The intro to the Rock Bottom TV show mentions another story.
Godfrey Jones: Tonight, on "Rock Bottom", we investigate a sex farm for sex hookers.
(cut to a farmer being interviewed)
Farmer: Ah keep telling yer, Ah only grow sorghum here.
Interviewer: Uh huh. And where are the hookers?
Farmer: 'Round back... oops.
- In an edited version of Homer's interview with Godfrey Jones, the splices can be told because the clock in the background keeps changing times.note
Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on / her / sweet can... / so I grabbed / her / sweet can... / Ohhhh, just thinking about / her / can... / I just wish I had / her / sweet, sweet / s/s/sweet can...Godfrey: So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense?
(There is a clearly freeze-framed image of Homer, VCR artifacts and all, looking like a buffoon.)
Godfrey: Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further!
(The frozen image of Homer begins to slowly zoom in.)
Godfrey: No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me! Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson! NOOOO! [freeze frame on the shouting Godfrey]
Announcer: Dramatization. May not have happened.
- The gripping portrayal in Homer S.: Portrait of an Ass-Grabber.
- Homer imagines how life would be like for the family through an "Under the Sea" parody sequence, during which he happily gorges himself on the friendly, dancing sea creatures.
Marge: Homer, that's your solution to everything: to move under the sea. It's not gonna happen.
Homer: Not with that attitude!
- Being disappointed that nobody outside the family believes him, Homer goes to his bedroom to be alone.
Lisa: Sorry, Dad, we do believe in you, we really do.
Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
Homer: Oh, maybe TV is right. TV's always right! (walks upstairs)
(Bart and Lisa hug the TV)
Homer: (shouting from upstairs) Are you hugging the TV?!
Bart & Lisa: No... (they kiss it)
* The list of corrections at the end of Rock Bottom is totally worth freeze framing.
113. - Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy
- Grampa Abe asks Homer what the problem is with Marge.
Abe: Welcome home, son. I broke 2 lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.Abe: Flu?Homer: No.Abe: Protein deficiency?Homer: No.Abe: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?Homer: No.Abe: Unsatisfying sex life?Homer: N- yes. But please, don't you say that word.Abe: What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about seeex? I had seeeeex.[Homer shudders upon hearing his dad tell him "too much information".]
- Homer tries to sell the tonic to a random passersby in the mall.
Homer: Sir! Uh, hello sir! Yes, you look like a man who needs help satisfying his wife. So— [the man punches him in the face]
- A person in the crowd points out Homer's face being on the bottle of "Simpson & Son Revitalizing Tonic". Then there's a cut to Grampa Abe and Homer being run out of town by a group of hillbillies, accompanied with the song "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" by Flatt and Scruggs (A.K.A. the Foggy Mountain Boys) playing in the background.
Abe: You're the worst shill I've ever seen! You're a disgrace to the medicine show business.Homer: They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music! [turns off radio playing banjo music][The chase stops; the pickup full of hillbillies comes to a halt and turns around.]
- Having separated ties with Homer, Grampa Abe continues to sell his tonic with help from one of Homer's friends.
Abe: And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial from my own flesh and blood, the son that puts the fun in Simpson & Son, my son, Barney!Barney: [walks out from behind a curtain] I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. [belches]Man: That medicine seems to be giving your son a lot of gas.Abe: I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem.Barney: Oh — [collapses]
- Grampa, while on the road with Homer: "And that's what's wrong with Bart's generation. Now as for your generation..."
- Homer spends more time with Bart and Lisa because he isn't selling tonic anymore. The kids don't appreciate it that much.
Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting.Homer: But I'm using my whole ass.Lisa: Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be...scary.Homer: Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.[Homer gets into his car and drives off.]Bart: I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking."Lisa: That's what I assumed.
114. - Fear of Flying
- Due to being banned from Moe's Tavern, Homer becomes sad as he can't go back.
Bart: Cheer up, Homer.Homer: [depressed] Can't.Bart: OK!Marge: What if you pretended that this couch were a bar? Then you could spend more nights at home with us. Huh?Homer: I'm not going to dignify that with an answer.Lisa: Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?Homer: Yes! Cris-atunity!
- Homer decides that he's going to find a new bar to drink in and asks Bart where his (Homer's) wallet is at.
Bart: [pulling it from his own pocket] Right here, Dad!Homer: Thank you!
- As Homer searches for a new bar to drink and hang around in, he goes into what is very clearly a lesbian bar.
Homer: Wait a minute... there's something bothering me about this place...[looks around] I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a FIRE EXIT! Enjoy your deathtrap, ladies! [leaves]Lesbian: What was her problem?
- And if you look closely, you'll see that there is something wrong with that place: a woman suddenly gets a tattoo and another one completely changes ethnicities!
- Homer goes to a bar which features most of the main cast of Cheers.
Norm: Woody, give... give me another beer.Woody: I'd better not Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore.Norm: Just gimme another beer, you brain dead hick! [smashes beer bottle against the bar] I'll kill ya, I'll kill all of ya![Norm lunges at Woody; Cliff and Frasier grab him and hold him back.]Cliff: Whoa there Normie. You got to save your pipes for karaoke!
- A man identical to Homer, wearing an unconvincing moustache, enters Moe's Bar.
Guy: Greetings, good man. Might I trouble you for a drink?Moe: Oh, get out of here, Homer.Guy: Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito. I... AUGH![The camera pans outside as he's beaten to a crap and thrown out, lying unconscious on the sidewalk. The real Homer passes by.]Homer: [gasp] Oh my God! This man is my exact double! [gasp] That dog has a fluffy tail! [he runs as he chases the dog] Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee, hee-hee-hee-hee-hee! Here Puff, here Puff! Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!
- The Simpson family comes home from the airport, after Marge decided to get off the airplane. One family member is missing.
Bart: You know, I have this feeling that we forgot something.[Cut to Grampa Abe still on the airplane]Abe: [screams] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! [cut back to the Simpson house]Homer: Ehh, I'm sure it's nothing.
- Marge reveals a fear that Homer has, while he was explaining hers.
Homer: Permit me to solve the mystery: your mother has a fear of flying!Bart: So much for the days when I could say, "At least my mother's normal."Marge: Everyone has a fear of something.Homer: [smugly] Not everyone.Marge: SOCK PUPPETS!Homer: [panicked] Where!? Where?! AAAUGHH! [runs off-screen]
- Homer doesn't think Marge has a problem after the first incident.
Homer: Kids, your mother is fine.Marge: (holding the pets) I just realized we never had a wedding for the dog and the cat. They've been living in sin.
- "Springfield Psychiatric Center: Because There May Not Be Bugs On You."
- Having settled her traumatizing fear of being an airplane, Marge and Homer sit inside one and things go wrong.
Homer: That's just the engine powering up... that's just the engine struggling... that's just a carp swimming around your ankles.
115. - Homer the Great
- Homer can't park near the entrance to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, so it turns out he parks in a spot that's on the opposite side of the house's backyard fence.
- The entire "It's a secret." "Ssssh, shut up!" Running Gag between Lenny and Carl.
- Homer wants to find out what Lenny and Carl are doing without him being involved and he tells Marge.
Marge: Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again. It's so illegal. Remember when you were stalking Charles Kuralt because you thought he dug up your garden?Homer: Well, something did!Marge: I don't want you stalking anyone tonight.Homer: Oh, okay, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minute. [gets up] I'm... going outside to... stalk... Lenny and Carl. [Beat] D'oh!
- Homer trying to get into the Stonecutters by saving Lenny and Carl's life.
Homer: (after stomping on Lenny's sandwich) That egg sandwich could've killed you by cholesterol!Lenny: Pfft, forget it Homer. While it has been proven that eggs contain cholesterol, it has not yet been conclusively proven that they raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human bloodstream.Homer: (glaring) So, one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh?Lenny: Uh, you got it all wrong Homer, (makes desperate "get away" motions) I-it's not like that.(pan to a man in an egg costume hiding behind the door. They run away as Homer chases after them.)Homer: You'd better run, egg!
- And of course, the egg shows up as a member of the Stonecutters later.
- Part of Homer's initiation into the Stonecutters is getting his butt spanked with wooden paddles by current members.
Number One: This ritual is called "Crossing the Desert".[Homer's ass is paddled by numerous people in a line.]Number One: And this, we call "The Unblinking Eye". [more ass paddling]Homer: Hey... have you ever noticed that the "Crossing the Desert" is a lot like "The Unblinking Eye". And it's exactly like the "Wreck of the Hesperus"!Number One: And now, the final ordeal: "The Paddling of the Swollen Ass... With Paddles". [yet more paddling]
- Number One: Now let's all get drunk and play Ping-Pong!
- The Stonecutters song.
All: "Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down? We do! We do!Carl: Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?Lenny: Who keeps the Martians under wraps?Alien: We do! We do!All: Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star? We do! We do!Seymour: Who robs cavefish of their sight?Homer: Who rigs every Oscar night?All: We do! We do!"
- After destroying the Sacred Parchment, Homer is forced to walk home dragging the "stone of shame" behind himself while naked. Then they learn he's the Chosen One.
Number One: You are the chosen one, whom the sacred parchment prophesied would lead us to glory! Now to the top of Mount Springfield for the coronation! Remove the Stone of Shame!Homer: Woohoo!Number One: Attach the Stone of Triumph!(An even bigger stone is chained to Homer's neck)Homer: D'oh!
- Homer is sitting on the couch in front of the TV and talks about how significant he is currently living.
Homer: I always wondered if there was a god, and now I know. There is, and it's me.Marge: You're not a god, Homer.Lisa: Remember Dad, all glory is fleeting.Homer: So?Lisa: Beware the Ides of March.Homer: No.Lisa: Dad I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever!Homer: Everything lasts forever.Lisa: Don't you see, getting what you want all the time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless.Homer: Remove the girl!Lisa: Dad you're not with your Stonecutters now. There are no lackeys to carry out your every—[Bart appears, puts his hand over her mouth, salutes Homer, and then drags her away.]
Season 6: part 2
116. - And Maggie Makes Three
- Homer's first attempt at storytelling clearly has a few... embellishments.
Homer: (in voiceover) I was at my workstation, when...(the lights cut out)Evil Brit: Attention, American Workers. Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists.Homer: Not on my shift!(Homer immediately leaps into an air duct. The scene moves to Mr. Burns' office, where he, Smithers and Carl are being held at gunpoint by said terrorists. Homer enters and quickly disposes of all of them effortlessly)Homer: Simpson, 10. Terrorists, 8.(Mr. Burns, Smithers and Carl laugh)Lisa: (voiceover) Mom, make dad tell the story right!
- As Homer quits his job at the Nuclear Power Plant, he does humiliating things to Mr. Burns, which includes playing his (Mr. Burns') head as bongo drums.
Mr. Burns: Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralysed with rage. And island rhythms.
- One of Homer's punishments is removing the coaster from underneath Burn's drink. He's actually enraged by this.
- Marge doesn't want Patty and Selma to give Homer the news about her pregnancy, so they do something to get the news out in a different way.
Marge: I've got to tell Homer about this baby in just the right way and at just the right time. Until then, please, keep this to yourselves.Patty: Oh, if he found out now, it would probably destroy him, huh?Marge: Oh, yes.Patty & Selma: Gotta go!Marge: Wait a minute! Wait, I know that look. Now promise you won't tell Homer.Selma: Oh, we promise we won't tell...Homer.
- At their apartment, they rush to the phonebook, and open it to page one.
Patty: [on the phone] Hello, is this A. Aaronson? It might interest to you to know that Marge Simpson is pregnant, again.[The scene fades away, making it look like a lot of time has passed, and the phonebook is on the last page.]Patty: [on the phone] Just thought you'd like to know, Mr. Zykowski. [hangs up] There. Aaronson and Zykowski are the 2 biggest gossips in town. In an hour, everyone will know.
- At their apartment, they rush to the phonebook, and open it to page one.
- Indeed, soon everyone knows except Homer, who's going to his new job at the bowling alley.
Homer: Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.Chief Wiggum: Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.Homer: Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work.Apu: Oh, Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir!Homer: It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.Moe: Hey, Homer! Way to get Marge pregnant.
- When Homer arrives home, people are just throwing Marge a baby shower.
Homer: Hey, it's me. It's hell out there! Hey, wait a minute. What are all these presents? It looks like you're... showering Marge with gifts. Hmm...with little, tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub.Maude: By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.Homer: New job? ...Marge is pregnant?! [pulls out 1 of the 3 hairs on the top of his head] Noooooo!
- Homer sets up a flashback to his being devastated about Marge's pregnancy, as it will screw up the family's finances. And then Homer's head explodes.
Homer: [moans] We're doomed! AAAAAUUUGH! [his head swells up and explodes]Marge: [in reality] Bart, don't interrupt!Bart: Okay, but I know funny.Homer: [in the story]] We're doomed!Marge: [disembodied] Homer, you had a head.Homer: [disembodied] Check.[His head pops out of the collar of his pajamas.]Marge: [disembodied] And your bottom was a little bigger.Homer: [disembodied] Aww. [his butt inflates slightly]
- Homer plans to increase business at the bowling alley by firing a rifle into the air while shouting, "Bowling! Bowling! Get you bowling here!" He ends up scaring people.
Lisa: Mom, make Dad tell the story right!Marge: [exasperated] That's what happened.Lisa: [disappointed] Oh.
117. - Bart's Comet
- Willie tries to shoot down the "Big-Butt Skinner" balloon and attracts the attention of two jets. Mistaking him for an Iraqi fighter jet, one jet fires a sidewinder missile which hits the other jet. He then fires a second missile which turns around and hits him.
Pilot 1: This is what happens when you take money out of the military and put it into healthcare!Pilot 2: It's a good program, just give it a chance, that's all I ask!(Their parachutes disintegrate, causing the two to plumet to the ground, where they immediately start pummelling each other)
- The pilots aren't even phased.
- The constellation◊ of "The Three Wise Men".
- After Principal Skinner tries to get the "Big-Butt Skinner" balloon down, he finds that Bart was making a call on his cell phone. He hears the astronomer tell Bart that he discovered a comet, yells, "NOOOO!" and let's the balloon go. Upon realizing he let the balloon go, Seymour yells, "NOOOO!!!!" again. Then, a newspaper boy drops off the morning issue, in which the headline reads, "PREZ SEZ: SCHOOL IS FOR LOSERS!" Seymour ends the act with a Big "NO!".
- The attempt to blow up the comet with a missile fails.
Lisa: It blew up the bridge! We're doomed.Homer: It's times like this I wish I were a religious man.Rev. Lovejoy: [running down the street] It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer!
- A bill to save Springfield was defeated. Kent Brockman then comments on his "final" newscast.
Kent: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Democracy simply doesn't work. Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another, he just cannot report. But it doesn't seem to matter now, so...the following people are gay: [rapidly scrolling Long List appears]Marge: [disgusted] Turn it off.Homer: [taking notes] Just a second...
- Homer predicts that the comet will burn up in the atmosphere and end up the size of a Chihuahua's head. Bart, Lisa and Marge all groan when he mentions that they will be horribly crushed from above somehow if he's not right.
Homer: Okay, if you're that worried about it, let's go down to the bomb shelter.Lisa: We have a bomb shelter?Homer: Homer Simpson takes care of his family.[Cut to the family at the Flanders' backyard bomb shelter]Homer: [pounds on the door with his left fist 3 times] Flanders! Open up! [Ned opens the door]Ned: H-Heidi-ho-arooni, neighbor. What can I do ya for?Homer: [demanding] Get outta there! My family needs to use your bomb shelter.Marge: Homer!Ned: Ho-ho, I kinda figured this might happen, so I built the shelter big enough for both our families!Homer: [sternly] No deal, out.Marge: Get in the shelter, Homer!
- When the door to the Flanders' bomb shelter can't be closed because it's stuffed full with the residents of Springfield, someone has to get out. Krusty starts listing the people they'll need after the comet hits; Moe says they'll need power, which Homer can do. Homer looks around shiftily, and says "Uh, yeah... I can do that." After Reverend Lovejoy starts over on the list, Homer declares that left-handed stores won't be needed, and therefore Ned Flanders should leave the bomb shelter he owns (while also making hushed apologies to Rod & Todd).
- Moe Szyslak decides that the people can play a game as they wait for the comet to destroy Springfield. The game turns into havoc.
Moe: Hey, uh, I got an idea. We can play a game to pass the time. Uh, I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and, er, you all try to guess what it is. Ah-ahem. [makes some unidentifiable noise]Chief Wiggum: It's a pig!Bart: It's a cow, man.Lisa: It's a pony.Krusty: No, it's a goat. You know, one of them lady goats.Selma: There are no lady goats! A lady goat is a sheep.Dr. Hibbert: I believe she's right.Otto: You're crazy.Captain McCallister: Arr, what's it to you?Otto: What's it to me? [Everyone starts arguing.]Marge: Stop it! Stop it! Can't you see this barnyard noise guessing game is tearing us apart? [There's a long silence inside as Ned is Heard singing "Que Sera Sera" outside] Say, Moe, was it a duck? [Everyone argues again.]Homer: NO! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! STOP IT! STOP IT! I can't take this any more. I can't let that brave man out there die alone! I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you, especially his children! I'm going out there! [shuts the door, then opens it again] And it was a baby ox! [shuts the door again]Moe: He's right you know.Seymour: About the ox?Moe: [angrily] ABOUT EVERYTHING damn it! Hey Homer wait up, I wanna die too!
- The citizens of Springfield deciding to burn down the Observatory, so nothing like this ever happens again. Bart and Lisa then comment on how what Homer predicted came true.
Homer: I know, kids - I'm scared too.[Homer hugs Bart and Lisa, and all 3 of them look around terrified.]
- This is followed by a relaxing waltz instrumental of "Que Sera Sera" over the credits.
118. - Homie the Clown
- Krusty: Put $5,000 on the Lakers. Hire Kenny G. to play for me in the elevator. My house is dirty, buy me a clean one.
- Krusty getting in trouble with other, much better, comedians.
Secretary: [on intercom] George Carlin on three.Krusty: [picks up phone] Hello? Uh-huh, uh-huh. Lawsuit?! Oh come on! My "7 Words You Can't Say on TV" bit was entirely different from your "7 Words You Can't Say on TV" bit! So I'm a thief, am I? Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse ME! [hangs up and turns to his financial advisor] Give him 10 grand!Secretary: [on intercom] Steve Martin on four.Krusty: 10 grand!
- Krusty responds to his financial advisor's suggestion of opening a clown college.
Krusty: Forget it. I'll just cut back on the condor egg omlettes. Mmm, a couple of those would be tasty right now.
- Due to seeing a billboard for Krusty's Clown College, Homer has some clown hallucinations, complete with that circus music. He also makes a circus tent out of mashed potatoes.
Homer: That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college! [walks out the front door]Bart: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.
- The students are trying on baggy pants, but Homer's pants fit perfectly.
Krusty: Okay, we'll start off with the baggy — [sees Homer] wha? Those are supposed to be baggy pants! BAGGY!Homer: Ooh, I've never had a pair of pants fit this well in my liiiife.
- During Krusty's demonstration of how to liven things up at a party, he throws a pie in the face of a wealthy older woman and her head gets embedded in the wall. This is what Homer took from that demonstration:
Homer: "Kill wealthy dowager."
- Krusty goes through the funny place names during clown college and Homer laughs hysterically at Seattle.
- As Homer is riding on the tiny bicycle, his pants get raveled up in the axles as he continues pedaling. It exposes his naked rear end.
Krusty: [to his financial advisor] Uhh, burn that seat.
- On graduation day at Krusty's Clown College, Krusty gives out the diplomas and shakes the recipients' hands with a joy buzzer. When it's Homer's turn, he swipes the diploma from Krusty's hand before he gets zapped.
Homer: Got it! No shock for me! [he turns and runs away] Hee-hee-hee-hee!Krusty: Oh yeah?![Krusty catches up to Homer and shocks him repeatedly. Homer yells out in pain while Krusty laughs at his expense.]
- Homer's first gig as Krusty the Clown has him dropping in by parachute. His yelling increases in volume as he rapidly reaches the ground and lands on a structure; the parachute follows shortly afterward. Then, Homer sees the Krusty-Burglar.
Boy: It's the Krusty-Burglar!Homer: Oh, my God! He's stealing all the burgers! Why you little... I — got you![Homer immediately starts beating the crap out of the Krusty-Burglar, as the kids in attendance watch in horror.]Announcer: Uh, H-Homer, it's all ju-just an act.Boy: [sobbing] Stop! Sto-o-o-o-o-p! He's already dead![Two guards have to drag Homer away]Announcer: Uh, Krusty the Clown, everybody?[scattered applause from the kids]Krusty-Burglar: [in Slavic accent] Please look at my medical alert bracelet. [groans]
- Krusty bets against the Harlem Globetrotters, apparently not knowing it's all a show.
Financial Advisor: Let me get this straight. You took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters?Krusty: Oh, I thought the Generals were due! HE'S SPINNING THE BALL ON HIS FINGER! JUST TAKE IT! TAKE THE BALL![A Globetrotter on TV kicks the basketball off his foot backwards and it goes through the hoop.]Krusty: That game was fixed! They were using a freakin' ladder, for God's sake!
- To avoid Fat Tony and the rest of the Legitimate Businessman's Club, Krusty flees the U.S.A. and gets plastic surgery in a foreign country.
Plastic Surgeon: Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now, when I remove the bandages, don't be alarmed at the total stranger staring back at you.Krusty: [looks in mirror] AAAAAAAAHHH! I LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME, YOU MORON!Plastic Surgeon: Oh, nonsense, Krusty. You look at least 10 years younger. Plus I did your breasts.Krusty: Does anybody hear me complaining about the breasts?
- Homer gets abducted by Fat Tony and his henchmen due to his resemblance to Krusty.
Homer: But, wait! You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson!Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?Homer: Uh, actually, my name is Barney, Yeah. Barney Gumble.Legs: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?Homer: Uh, actually, my real name is, uh — think, Krusty, think. — Joe Valachi!Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about Organized Crime?Homer: Benedict Arnold!Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?Homer: D'oh!
- At the very end of the episode, we learn just how much Krusty owed the mob in gambling debts: 48 dollars.
119. - Bart vs. Australia
- Lisa tries to explain the coriolis effect to Bart.
Lisa: Bart, water will only go the other way in the Southern Hemisphere.Bart: What the hell is the Southern Hemisphere?Lisa: Haven't you ever looked at your globe? [She tears off wrapping paper on a gift with a tag reading "Happy Birthday! Love Grampa" on it.] See, the Southern Hemisphere is made up off everything below the equa... [stares at Bart] this line.Bart: So say in Argentina, and Rand McNally [points at Rand McNally logo on globe], all their water goes backwards?Lisa: Uh-huh. In fact, in Rand McNally, people wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people.Bart: [impressed] Cool!
- Bart calls a man living on an island engulfed in lava from a recent volcanic eruption. When he sees a pay phone floating by and ringing, he reaches over and ends up drowned/incinerated.
- The President of a South American country that isn't Brazil misinterprets Bart's phone call as a sign that his people are revolting against the government.
Bart: [slowly] Which way does the water turn in your toilet?Aide: [in Spanish] He says the tide is turning!Presidente: [in Spanish] Ay, carumba! Then the rebels will soon take the capital. I must flee! [dives out window]
- One of the people Bart calls is an aged Adolf Hitler, who's still alive in South America.
"Eine Minute, eine Minute! Ach! Das Wagen-phone ist ein...Nuisancephone!"
- A koala gets electrocuted when Bart makes his phone call to Australia.
- Bruno Drundridge is upset about his phone bill of $900 and tells someone about it.
Bruno: Ooh! Ah, that's it. I'm going to report this to me member of Parliament. [yells out window] Hey, Gus! I got something to report to you.[Gus is tending his swine]Gus: That's a bloody outrage, it is! I want to take this all the way to the Prime Minister. [they go down to a lake] Hey! Mr. Prime Minister! Andy!Andy: [floating naked on an inner tube with a beer] Eh, mates! What's the good word?
- Homer mispronounces the country of Uruguay ignorantly.
Homer: [looking at globe] There it is! Aus-tra-li-a. I'll be damned. [laughs] Look at this country: U-R-Gay! [the family just looks at him]
- Marge wants coffee, but the bartender will only serve beer.
Marge: I'll just have a cup of coffee.Bartender: Beer it is.Marge: No, I said coffee.Bartender: Beer.Marge: Cof-fee.Bartender: Be-er.Marge: [spells] C-O...Bartender: [spells] B-E...
- A. U.S. Marine punches Homer in the face after Homer does his irritating "Australia/America" schtick.
Bart: Hey, G.I. Joe, your sign's broken. We're already in Australia.Marine: Actually, sir, the embassy is considered American soil, sir!Homer: Really? Look, boy, now I'm in Australia... [jumps over the line] Now I'm in America! [jumps back over] Australia! [jumps] America!Bart: [flatly] I get it, Dad.Homer: Australia! America!Marge: [exasperated] Homer, that's enough!Homer: Australia! America! [Marine punches him] Ow!Marine: Here in America, we don't tolerate that kind of crap, sir!
- The whole scene involving the Australians choosing a boot to use on Bart.
- Many people in Australia chase The Simpsons, including some thugs from the movie Mad Max.
- Bart moons the Australians with the words "DON'T TREAD ON ME" written on his posterior. Then the family runs from the angry mob and escapes by boarding a helicopter.
Marge: I'm glad you're OK, honey, but I wish you'd chosen a more tasteful way to be patriotic.
120. - Homer vs. Patty and Selma
- Homer almost spills the beans about the financial problem he is in.
Marge: Homer! Homer, wake up! There's still a few minutes 'til our usual bedtime.Homer: Oh, my invention! All our money problems could have been...Marge: Money problems? Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble?Homer: [imagines Marge dressed like a queen] Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not. [Lisa walks up; Homer imagines her differently] And Lisa, my little princess. [Bart walks up] And who could forget dear Ratboy? [envisions Bart to look like a rat]Bart: Ratboy? I resent that. [gnaws on doorframe]Marge: Bart, I told you before, stop gnawing on the drywall.
- After Homer throws Patty and Selma out the first time, Marge goes out to apologies to them.
Marge: He's just a very complicated man.[Homer leans out of the bedroom window above and smashes a plate over his head]Homer: WRONG!
- Patty and Selma force Homer to light cigarettes for them.
Homer: Request permission to slink by.Patty: Permission pending. First...light our cigarettes.Homer: But you're already smoking cig — [they stub them and take new ones, clearing their throats] You're really pushing it.
- Homer accidentally throws Marge out of the house as he's kicking Patty and Selma out after the Gruesome Twosome rat Homer out on his bad investment.
- Homer takes up a job as a limousine driver to work off his debt to Patty and Selma. He is seen driving Mel Brooks.
Homer: Oh wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks. You know that movie, "Young Frankenstein"? Scared the hell out of me!Mel: Umm, thanks.
- Mel Brooks: [to Chief Wiggum] How about you be Carl Reiner, and I be Police Chief Wiggum. I HATE Carl Reiner!
- Bart falls in a ditch as he's being chased by bullies for admitting his love of ballet.
- Since Homer had his chauffer's license revoked, he needs to take a DMV driver's test, overseen by none other than both Patty and Selma.
Patty: Well, well, well: look who needs us again to get his chauffeur's license.Homer: Look, all I ask is that you be fair.Patty: Oh! Did not adjust side mirror. Minus 1 point.Selma: Failed to check blind spot. Minus 2 points.Homer: You won't be happy until my family thinks I'm a loser, will you?Patty: You are a loser, Homer...and we're winners. You gotta learn that.Selma: Ooh, seat belt twisted. Minus 1 point.Homer: Nagging the driver. Minus 10 points for you!Patty: Grazed a cone. Minus 5 points!Homer: Being a jerk. Minus a million points!
- Homer saves Patty and Selma by taking the blame for smoking the cigarettes they were smoking.
DMV Manageress: Wait a minute! Those are yours, sir?Homer: [monotone] Yes. [coughs] I am in flavor country.DMV Manageress: [skeptical] Both of them?Homer: [hacks] It's a big country.DMV Manageress: [to Patty & Selma] Ladies, I apologize. [to Homer] And you, sir, are worse than Hitler. [slaps him]
- Patty and Selma try to repay Homer for taking the blame. Homer ends up getting what he wants.
Patty: Homer, um...I'm speechless. You just saved our hides.Homer: Please, on top of everything else, don't make me picture your hides!Marge: That's a wonderful thing you did for my sistersHomer: I didn't do it for them...I did it for you, Marge. I'd kill for you. Please ask me to kill for you...Marge: No, Homey. You see? You see, this is the stuff I've been telling you about that you never see!Patty: Homer...we're...sorry.Selma: If there's anything we can do to make it up...Homer: Call off the debt?Patty: Or, say, we could let you pass your driver's test...Homer: Call off the debt?Patty: Uh...well...Homer: Debt's off! Let's go, Marge. [He grabs Marge. They go to his car and get in; the tires squeal as it leaves.]
- Patty and Selma try to repay Homer for taking the blame. Homer ends up getting what he wants.
121. - A Star Is Burns
- On TV, Principal Skinner is about to be burned at the stake.
Seymour: I'm telling you people, the Earth revolves around the Sun!Abe: Burn him! [He starts to light Principal Skinner on fire.]Photographer: [takes a picture] What a story!Abe: [chasing the photographer] You've stolen my soul!
- At the town hall meeting, Patty and Selma give their suggestion of how to improves Springfield's image and attract more tourism.
Patty: The easiest way to become popular is to leech off the popularity of others.Selma: That's why we propose changing the name of the town from Springfield to Seinfeld. [Seinfeld-like scene transition music is heard]
- Bart films Homer putting on his trademark blue pants and names the film "The Eternal Struggle".
- As Rainier Wolfcastle is being interviewed by Jay Sherman, a clip of "McBain: Let's Get Silly!" is seen.
McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? [Beat] That's the joke.Random Man: You suck, McBain![McBain pulls out a machine gun from his jacket and starts firing at the audience.]
- Rainier Wolfcastle continues talking about the movie.
Rainier: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80,000,000.Jay: [disgusted] How do you sleep at night?Rainier: On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.Jay: [disgusted again] Just askin'. Yeesh.
- Rainier Wolfcastle continues talking about the movie.
- There's a meta-joke when Bart is about to watch The Flintstones Meet the Jetsons and moans that it's another cheap cartoon crossover. Then Homer introduces Bart to Jay Sherman.
- Homer tells Jay Sherman about his belching contest win at work and belches in front of Jay's face. Jay compliments Homer and then lets out an extremely loud and long belch that sets off 2 car alarms, winning by a landslide.
- At the Simpson home, Jay Sherman talks with Patty and Selma while Homer watches.
Patty: Okay, Sherman, you're a movie expert.Selma: So tell us. Who's gay?Jay: Oh, I don't know ... [mumbling] Harvey Fierstein.Selma: No!Patty: Who else?[Homer whispers into Jay's ear.]Jay: Oh. MacGyver's gay. [Patty and Selma growl and advance on Jay, who cowers from them. Homer giggles.][The scene shifts to outside. Jay has been stripped to his underwear and is dangling from the rain gutter by the waistband of his shorts.]Bart: [sees Jay and laughs] You badmouthed MacGyver, didn't you?
- When Mr. Burns is attempting to pick who gets to play him in a biopic, there's a sequence where several people including William Shatner and Hannibal Lecter give their try with Burns's "Excellent" Catch Phrase. Then it's Homer's turn.
- At the film festival, Hans Moleman's film "Man Getting Hit by Football" involves him getting hit with a football thrown at his groin. Homer is the only one laughing.
Homer: [laughs hysterically] This contest is over! Give that man the $10,000!Jay: [disapprovingly] This isn't Americas Funniest Home Videos.Homer: But ... the ball! His groin! It works on so many levels! [still laughing] Roll it again!
- As Barney Gumble's film entry "Pukahontas" is playing, a woman in the crowd talks about how touching the sad biopic is.
Woman: [softly] It's brilliant. Savagely honest, heart-breaking. He has the soul of a poet.Barney: You're very kind.Woman: [rudely] Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die?Barney: It didn't die.[Cut back to the film]Barney: My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scouts' meeting.Barney: Is it, or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?
- Mr. Burns' film entry "A Burns for All Seasons" draws a strong negative reaction from the audience.
Mr. Burns: [shocked] Smithers, are they booing me?Smithers: Oh, no, sir. They're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns".Mr. Burns: [to crowd] Are you saying "boo" or "Boo-urns"?Crowd: Boooooooooooo! [they throw random objects at Mr. Burns]Hans: [to himself] I was saying "Boo-urns".
- The film festival judges meet after all the films were presented. Jay Sherman is appalled about Krusty giving his vote to Mr. Burns' film.
Jay: How can you vote for Burns' movie?Krusty: Let's just say it moved me...to a bigger house! Oops, I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.
- Jay Sherman mentions to Homer that there are better things in life that watching a man getting hit in the groin with a football. Out of nowhere, a football hits Jay in his groin and Nelson Muntz (off-screen) does his signature "Ha-ha!" laugh.
- Mr. Burns bribes all of Hollywood into voting for his film, and it still ends up losing, this time to a remake of "Man Getting Hit by Football" which stars George C. Scott.
122. - Lisa's Wedding
- Ned Flanders beats Waylon Smithers during the knight exhibition.
- Chief Wiggum features an animal at the Renaissance Fair.
Chief Wiggum: Behold the mighty esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit...and the body...of a rabbit![The bunny jumps out of its pen and starts to hop away; Lisa chases it.]Lisa: Here, bunny bunny. Here, bunny.Chief Wiggum: [corrects her] Here, esquilax.
- Future Quimby is now driving a cab, under the name Mohammed Jafar. And Future Otto owns the cab company.
Future Otto: [on videophone] Hey, Quimby, when you're done on this fare, haul your indicted ass out to the convention center!Future Quimby: [under his breath] I cut the ribbon at that convention center!
- Future Homer is insistent that Hugh pull his (Homer's) index finger.
Future Homer: So, Hugh, have you heard all the latest American jokes? Uh...here's a good one: pull my finger!Hugh: [chuckles] Yes, we have that one in England, too, Mr. Simpson.Future Homer: [in a threatening tone] I said pull my finger.
- Future Smithers receives an invitation to Lisa's wedding.
Future Smithers: "Mr. Smithers plus guest"...huh. There's only one person I would want to bring. [pulls a frozen Mr. Burns from a slot in the wall] Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out the second they discover the cure for 17 stab wounds in the back. How're we doing, boys?Future Professor Frink: Well, we're up to 15!Scientists: Yay!
- Future Lisa tries to tell Future Marge that she doesn't want to wear white at the wedding because she had sex with Milhouse before getting married (and, as popular wedding traditions go, only women who stay virgins until their wedding day are allowed to wear virginal white). Future Marge's response: "Oh, Milhouse doesn't count."
- The Fortune Teller informs Lisa of the grim ending to her vision about Lisa's future.
Fortune Teller: [to Lisa] The next day, Hugh goes back to England, and you never see him again.Lisa: Wow. Now that I know all this, isn't there any way to change the future?Fortune Teller: No...but try to look surprised.Lisa: I thought you said you'd tell me about my true love.Fortune Teller: Oh, you'll have a true love, but I specialize in foretelling the relationships where you get jerked around.
- Homer tells Lisa what he was doing as Lisa was getting her future told by the fortune teller.
Homer: Lisa, Lisa! Where were you? You missed the most incredible thing.Lisa: Hi, Dad! [hugs him]Homer: I ate 7 pounds of fudge!Lisa: Wow!Homer: The man at the stand said it was a record.Lisa: Wow! What else did you do, Dad?Homer: I rode the teacups, then I got a little sick and I had to sit down. But then, I rode them again!
123. - Two Dozen and One Greyhounds
- Santa's Little Helper squeezes out of the window of the car and starts running away.
Homer: Don't worry. We'll catch him or run him over trying.
- At the dog racetrack, Bart sees Santa's Little Helper do something unusual the greyhound dog called She's the Fastest.
Bart: What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it. Come on, boy! You can do it! [Marge covers his eyes]
- As Homer is sitting on the couch eating potato chips, some of the young greyhound dogs jump up and steal each one.
- Mr. Burns' has a rousing cover of "Be Our Guest" called "See My Vest", wherein he describes the various animals he killed for his wardrobe.
- When Lisa yells at Mr. Burns that he stole the puppies, he gives her a cell phone, telling her to "call someone who cares." She dials 911 before Burns snatches the phone back.
- Homer appears to have hung in the basement, but is actually grabbing onto a rafter and batting a lightbulb as a means to cope with the loss of the million-dollar greyhounds he let Mr. Burns adopt.
124. - The PTA Disbands
- Bart is at a construction site and causes havoc with a megaphone. The foreman eventually shows up to stop him, and he just happens to sound like Bart.
Foreman: [speaking in a voice that sounds like Bart's] Hey! Can't you tell my voice from a 10-year old kid's? Ay carumba!
- After the teachers' strike is announced, there's a Jump Cut to a little girl in the empty gym hanging from the rings on the roof.
Girl: Hellooooo? Mrs Pommelhorse? I'd like to get down now!
- Bart visits the bank and pulls a prank on the people waiting in line.
Bart: [in Voice #1] What do you mean the bank is out of money!?Bart: [in Voice #2] Insolvent?!Bart: [in Voice #3] You only have enough cash for the next 3 customers!?[Crowd starts going crazy]Bank Guy: No, no, no, no, no! I don't have your money here! It's in....Bill's house...And...Fred's house!Moe: [turns to guy next to him] Hey, what the hell are you doing with my money in your house Fred? [punches Fred, setting off a huge fight]
- Bart watches the teacher's strike going on and tricks them with a lie.
Bart: Now for Operation Make-Strike-Go-Longer. [to teacher] You know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute.[The teachers whisper it through the line]Teacher: [to Edna] Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher.Edna: Well! We'll show him, especially for that "purple monkey dishwasher" remark.
- Due to not being in school, Lisa develops a need for being graded. Then Homer and Marge talk about the kids in bed.
Lisa: Grade me! Look at me. Evaluated rank me! I'm good good good and oh so smart. Grade me![Marge scribbles "A+" on a blank piece of paper; Lisa sighs with relief. The scene cuts to Homer and Marge's bedroom]Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning, I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.Homer: [scoffs] Pbbbt, I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke. [eyes the machine] It just keeps going faster and faster!Marge: [gets out of bed and looks out the window] And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.Bart: [looks at Marge from outside] Hello, Mother dear.Marge: [groans as she shuts the blinds] That's it! We have to get them back to school.Homer: I'm with you, Marge. [calls out] Lisa, get in here.Lisa: [opens the bedroom door] Uh...Homer: [angrily] In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics! [points to the machine]
- During the PTA Conference led by Ned Flanders, a man freaks out.
Man: The PTA has disbanded! Huh! HUH! AARGH! [jumps out window]Ned: No, the PTA has not disbanded. [Same man jumps back in and sits down]
- "Oh yeah, the taxes! The finger thing means the taxes!"
- Jasper Beardly is a temporary volunteer substitute teacher for Lisa's class.
Jasper: Talking outta turn... That's a paddlin'. Lookin' out the window... That's a paddlin'. Staring at my sandals... That's a paddlin'. Paddlin' the school canoe... Oooh, you better believe that's a paddlin'.
- Bart: [talking to Principal Skinner] She said you'd fold faster then Superman on laundry day.
125. - 'Round Springfield
- Krusty tries to defend himself on TV.
Kent Brockman: This just in: Krusty the Clown staged a press conference today to defend himself against charges that his products are unsafe, his theme park is a death trap, and that he's marketing videos of Tonya Harding's wedding night.Krusty: And I contend that those tourists were decapitated before they entered the Krustyland House of Knives. Next question?Woman: What about that little boy who got appendicitis from eating your cereal?Krusty: To prove that this metal O is harmless, I will personally eat one. [easts it] See? There's nothing [starts screaming and writhing] Oh, boy! This thing is shredding my insides!Sideshow Mel: Er, Krusty, that wasn't the metal one, that was a regular Krusty-O.Krusty: It's poison!
- Way before that, Krusty blames Percodan for his poor behaviour before finding out it's the new sponsor for his show.
Krusty: And now a word from our new sponsor: PERCODAN?! Aw, crap!
- After an earlier appearance, the Hotdog Vendor appears at the cemetery.
Marge: Are you following my husband around?Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.
- Lisa has a dream where she speaks with "Bleeding Gums" Murphy one last time. Some other beings also show up.
James Earl Jones: This is CNN."Bleeding Gums" Murphy: Will you guys cut it out? I'm trying to say goodbye to Lisa.Other guys: We're sorry.
126. - The Springfield Connection
- As Marge chases after Snake, Homer chases her and becomes extremely exhausted after running for a short distance.
- Marge ends up smacking Snake in his head with a garbage can lid. Then Snake is arrested by the police.
Chief Wiggum: Cuff 'im, boys. We're puttin' this dirtbag away.Snake: Ha! I'll be back on the street in 24 hours.Chief Wiggum: We'll try to make it 12.
- Another police car pulls up. Homer gets out and is still gasping for breath from running.
- Marge watches 3 police cars arrive back at the police station. The officers bring something inside.
Chief Wiggum: All right, get in there.Lou: You're goin' down.Eddie: I wanna piece of him.Chief Wiggum: You think you're pretty hot, huh? Well, we got everything we need on you.[The camera pans down to show a pizza with toppings; Marge enters the front door knocking.]Marge: Excuse me?Chief Wiggum: [quickly] What, what, what, what, what-what-what? This better be about pizza.Marge: Uh, actually, I'm interested in becoming a police officer.[The officers laugh for 15 seconds, then stop.]Chief Wiggum: Welcome aboard.
- Chief Wiggum addresses Marge and 4 other people being recruited.
Chief Wiggum: All right, ya scrawny beanpoles, becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight — it takes 1 solid weekend of training to get that badge.Gun-Obsessed Recruit: [angrily] FORGET ABOUT THE BADGE! WHEN DO WE GET THE FREAKING GUNS?!Chief Wiggum: [sternly] Hey, I told you. You don't get your gun until you tell me your name.Gun-Obsessed Recruit: [angrily] I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOUR "RULES"! [he walks away]
- Marge attempts to climb over the brick wall on the obstacle course.
Chief Wiggum: Heh. Women always have trouble with the wall. [other recruits are seen walking through a door] Can't ever seem to find the door.
- Marge sees Lionel Hutz rummaging through a dumpster outside of the Junkytown Legal Clinic.
Marge: Hello, Mr. Hutz.Lionel: I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private. You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality.Marge: I just wanted to say hello.Lionel: Oh... Hello. [laughs nervously]
- As Marge walks away, he lights up a butane cigarette lighter and tosses it in the dumpster, setting it on fire.
- At the Kwik-E-Mart, Apu tries to bribe Marge with some money. After Marge refuses, he sets it on the counter and turns his back; Marge does the same thing. Then Mr. Burns walks by and snatches the money while drinking from a carton of milk he didn't pay for (not even with the money he took).
- Homer is whistling as he takes some of Marge's yellow tape that reads "POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS" and puts it across the front of the Flanders' house.
Lisa: Mom's police tape isn't a toy, dad.Homer: S-shush, dear. You'll ruin daddy's fun.
- They hide behind the hedges. Homer is grinning as Lisa is frowning with her arms crossed. Ned arrives home.
Ned: "Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in the..." [gasp] [drops bag] Oh my Lord. Something horrible has happened! [Homer comes out of hiding]Homer: [laughs] Fooled ya, Flanders. Made you think your family was dead. [continues laughing] Did ya get it? [laughs some more; Ned chuckles] They're not, though.Ned: No.Homer: [laughs] But you thought they were.Ned: Yeah.Homer: [laughing] That's why it was so funny.Ned: Yeah.Homer: [laughs] But they're not.Ned: [chuckles] That's a good one.
- They hide behind the hedges. Homer is grinning as Lisa is frowning with her arms crossed. Ned arrives home.
- Inside the kitchen at the Simpson house, Lenny is shuffling cards for a game. Homer uses a handheld radar speed gun on him.
Homer: Hey, hurry up with the cards, Lenny. I've got you clocked at 2 miles per hour.Lenny: Come on, put that away. Those radar guns give you cancer.Homer: [still using the radar gun] All the more reason to hurry up. Hey, what could be going a hundred miles per— [Lenny punches him] OW!
- Marge arrests Homer for taking her police officer hat.
Homer: [impersonates Marge] Ooh, I'm Officer Marge. I'm here to arrest you. [Marge slaps the cuffs on Homer; he drops the voice] Oh, Marge, not here. [realizes she's serious] Hey, you're not really arresting me, are you?Marge: You have the right to remain silent.Homer: I choose to waive that right. [wails maniacally]
- Homer eats Hans Moleman's last meal right before he (Hans) is about to receive capital punishment.
Rev. Lovejoy: All right, Hans. Time to go.Hans: But he ate my last meal.Rev. Lovejoy: Well, if that's the worst thing that happens to you today, consider yourself lucky.Hans: Are you really allowed to execute people at a local jail?Rev. Lovejoy: From this point on, no talking. [Hans is sent away by 2 officers.]
- After Homer is released from jail, he decides to draw a line across the bedroom.
Homer: I'm drawing a line down the center of the house à la I Love Lucy. You stay on your side and I'll stay on my side. [He doesn't pay attention to where he is and traps himself in a small corner.] D'oh!
- This line from Homer: "You know, when Marge joined the police academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting. You know, like that movie: Spaceballs. But, instead, it's painful and disturbing, like that movie, Police Academy.
- Moe rags on Homer for saying "garage" when he really means "car hole."
- The Springfield Police laugh at Marge again when she tells them she quits.
- Due to not knowing what happened out in the garage, Barney, Carl, Moe, and Lenny are waiting for Homer to show back up for Poker.
Lenny: I' don't think they're comin' back.Moe: Well, that does it. That does it. I'm looking at his cards. [looks at Homer's cards] Aw, crap. I fold.
127. - Lemon of Troy
- The history of the feud between Springfield and Shelbyville. The 2 founders differed on a key issue: whether people could marry their attractive cousins.
- The end of the lemon tree story.
Abe: The people of Springfield believed they had founded a sweet new town. And so, to commemorate this, they planted this lemon tree, lemons being the sweetest fruit available at the time.
- Marge and Homer react differently to Bart's plan on raiding Shelbyville.
Bart: I've got to teach some kids a lesson.Bart: Death to Shelbyville!Homer: Yes. Our son is a tutor now.
Marge: Homer, come quick! Bart's quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!
- Given a great Call Back later in the episode when the truth is revealed.
- Homer's Shelbyville counterpart gloats about having taken the lemon tree by taking a bite out of a lemon. His face puckers up.
- The lemon tree hits the "Welcome to Springfield" sign after the rescue operation.
128. - Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part 1
- Homer finding out that Mr. Burns didn't add his name to the thank you note, you actually see his pupils get smaller as he goes into Tranquil Fury mode and asks Bart and Lisa to step outside (Which they do as fast as they can since they're scared of his reaction) and he takes a deep breath as he lets out an F bomb that's covered by a church bell as everyone on the street stares at the Simpsons house in shock.
- Mr. Burns walks into his office and turns on the light. Homer is holding a can of spray paint, with MY NAME IS HOMER SIMPSON painted on the wall.
Mr. Burns: Who the devil are you?
- Then later:
Mr. Burns: [reveals a holstered gun] I've decided to protect myself, after I was attacked in my office by an unidentified assailant.Homer: [offscreen] D'oh!
129. - Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part 2
- Tito Puente composes a slanderous mambo for revenge on Mr. Burns. It’s called "Señor Burns".
Wounds won't last long, but an insulting song, Burns will always carry with him.So I'll settle my score, on the salsa floor, with this vengeful Latin rhythm.Burns!Con un corazon de perro¡Señor Burns!El diablo con dineroIt may not surprise you, but all of us despise you.Please die, and fryIn HellYou rottenRich old wretch!¡Adios, viejo!
- Smithers has a dream that Mr. Burns is alive, in his shower, and part of a campy 1960s crime show called Speedway Squad: In Color!
- Seymour Skinner tells the police his alibi for not shooting Mr. Burns. While he was planning to attack Mr. Burns himself after the meeting, he was in the men's room putting on camouflage make-up at the time of the shooting. In the flashback, we see that Seymour has mixed up his camouflage make-up with his mother's make-up, noticing too little too late. Then Superintendent Chalmers walks in...
Flashback Chalmers: Oh, excuse me, ma'am—Flashback Seymour: Superintendent Chalmers!Flashback Chalmers: [realizes it's Seymour] ...Oh my God... [BANG!]Chief Wiggum: So, Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?Seymour: Oh, yes. But anything else he says is a filthy lie.
- Moe Szyslak takes a lie detector test.
Eddie: Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?Moe: No! [buzz] All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him. [ding]Eddie: Checks out. OK, sir, you're free to go.Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] A date. [buzz] Dinner with friends. [buzz] Dinner alone. [buzz] Watching TV alone. [buzz] All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. [buzz] Sears catalog. [ding] Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]
130. - Radioactive Man
- When the director is flipping through the magazine, we see all these full page ads for Film Utah, Film New York, etc and then they suddenly stop at the ad that says "Flim Springfield" "This place must be hot! They don't need a big ad or even correct spelling!"
- The running gag with people's hats flying off in moments of surprise - thanks to malfunctioning air conditioners.
- Principal Skinner makes an announcement about the Radioactive Man movie to the children.
Seymour: [over the PA system] Students, I have an announcement. One of your favorite comic book heroes, Radio Man—-Nelson: That's Radioactive Man, stupid!Seymour: ... Strange, I shouldn't have been able to hear that.
- The entirety of the campy 1970s Radioactive Man show (which the director does not want the movie to be like).
- The best part has to be the bit where everyone, including the villains and some girls in midriff tops, miniskirts and go-go boots (including one who looks like a bald Amy from Futurama), start dancing.
- "I keep telling you! He's seventy-three years old, and he's dead!"
- Rainier: My eyes! The goggles do nothing!
- After Milhouse goes missing, the film's editor says they can use existing footage to finish the film without him. The results speak for themselves.
[Radioactive Man is facing cavemen alone]Radioactive Man: [forcefully to a corner of the screen] Looks like we're in trouble, Fallout Boy.[cut to Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy on a sunny field]Fallout Boy: Jiminy-jillikers, Radioactive Man!Radioactive Man: [back in the cave] We'll have to fight our way out. Are you ready?Fallout Boy: [sitting in a living room] Yes.[cut to Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy fighting aliens on the moon]Editor: Seamless, huh?Producer: [beat] You're fired.Editor: [still smiling] And with good cause!
- Milhouse being fed up with the repetitiveness of filmmaking.
Director: We've got to do the "jiminy-jillikers" scene again, Milhouse!Milhouse: [seething with anger] But we already did it! It took seven hours, but we did it! It's done!Director: Yes, but we've got to do it from different angles! Again and again! And again and again and again![Milhouse is forcefully dragged out]
131. - Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily
- Lisa reacts to bullies hanging her shoes over a phone wire: "HEY! Those are prescription shoes! I need them!".
- The Child Welfare officers end up running over a tricycle after hearing that the Simpson kids may be living in squalid conditions.
- Rod and Todd become traumatized from watching the Itchy and Scratchy episode called "Foster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!".
- In the class for becoming improved parents, Cletus Spuckler tells Homer about chipping his tooth on the screen door. Then Homer shouts "Why you COTTON PICKIN'!" and strangles him.
- Homer and Marge are trying to find Ned, who's about to baptize their kids.
Marge: Where are we going? Where are we going?Homer: OK, OK, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders! [thinking] I'm a big four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day and — [aloud] The Springfield River!note
- Homer has a momentary lapse into spiritual peace after saving his son from a lake baptismal, only to bark, "I SAID, 'SHUT YOUR UGLY FACE, FLANDERS!'" when Flanders asks him what he just said.
- The message Marge gets when she tries to call the kids at Flanders':
Message: "The number you have dialed can no longer be reached from this phone, you negligent monster."
132. - Bart Sells His Soul
- As the church service begins, Bart tricks everyone into singing "In The Garden of Eden" by I. Ron Butterfly. During the song, Reverend Lovejoy finds out it is rock music, and a beach ball bounces on his head. The scene ends with Mrs. Feesh (the church organist) collapsing (after playing the entire song -- which is 17 minutes long).
Rev. Lovejoy: Wait a minute...this sounds like rock and/or roll!
- Milhouse tells Reverend Lovejoy it was Bart that changed the hymn. Then they both are punished by having to clean the church’s organ.
Bart: You shank! How could you squeal on me?!Milhouse: Sorry Bart, but I don't want hungry birds pecking at my soul forever.Bart: "Soul?" Come on Milhouse, there's no such thing as a soul. It's just something made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson!Milhouse: But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain?[Cut to Rev. Lovejoy putting the money from the collection plate into a coin counter.]
- Also, after Reveend Lovejoy scares Milhouse into squealing on Bart with threats of hell and punishment, he first drags Bart out for the above punishment, but then reappears and pulls Milhouse out too, declaring "You too, snitchy!".
- Moe gets a deep fryer for his new family restaurant.
Moe: Heh Heh. I got it used from the Navy. You could flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds.Homer: 40 seconds? But I want it now.
- The part where Bart's bike gets sucked up by a street cleaner truck, only for a newer and supposedly better bike to come out in its place. That bike crumbles to pieces, as the street cleaner inexplicably laughs evilly at Bart's misfortune, only for his truck to crash down a set of stairs leading to a subway station.
- Moe is seen twitching his face in front of the camera at the end of the commercial for his restaurant.
- Moe ends up suffering a breakdown while running "Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag." His behavior causes all the diners to leave.
133. - Lisa the Vegetarian
- At the Storytown Village petting zoo, the Simpson family sees 3 lambs. The first one is slightly less adorable than the 2 that follow it, and it steps in front of the third one.
Homer: [shoves the first lamb away] Outta the way, you!
- Homer spots Ned Flanders having a family reunion.
Homer: Hey Flanders!Entire Flanders Clan: Hi-diddly-ho, neighborino!Homer: Shut up!Entire Flanders Clan: Okily-dokily!
"Charmed. [nudged by Ned] Uh, a googely-doogely."
- Also, Lord Thistlewick Flanders, who seems to be the only dignified member of the family.
- Homer tells Ned he will have his own barbecue party, and then accidently invites him.
- At the dinner table, Lisa has decided to stop eating meat.
Homer: So, you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?Lisa: No.Homer: Ham?Lisa: No.Homer: Pork chops?Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!Homer: [sarcastically] Yeah right, Lisa, a wonderful, magical animal!
- Bart and Homer form a "You Don’t Win Friends with Salad" conga. Marge also joins in — not to take sides, but because it was catchy.
- Lisa attempts to get lunch at school after becoming a vegetarian.
Lisa: Excuse me. I thought schools were required to serve vegetarian alternatives.Lunchlady Doris: [puts an empty hotdog bun on Lisa's tray] [deadpan] Here. It's rich in bunly goodness.Lisa: Do you even remember when you had passion for this job?[Lunchlady Doris looks shocked and presses the independent thought alarm.]
- Principal Skinner introduces the pro-meat film.
Seymour: Good morning class. A certain... agitator... for privacy's sake let's call her...Lisa S. No, that's too obvious... let's say L. Simpson... [Lisa slaps her forehead] has raised questions about certain school policies. So, in the interest in creating an open dialogue, sit silently and watch this film.
- The entirety of the pro-meat propaganda filmstrip. Right from the start with "Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as "Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun" and "Firecrackers: The Silent Killer"
Troy McClure: Just ask this scientician. [scene cuts to a scientist in a lab]Scientist: Uhh... [scene cuts away]Troy McClure: He'll tell you that, in nature, one creature invariably eats another creature to survive. [images of various animals attacking and eating others appear] Don't kid yourself Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance he'd eat you and everyone you care about.
- The film contains images of a shark leaping out of the water to attack a gorilla, an eagle swooping down and carrying away a fully-grown sheep, and a dog catching a Frisbee.
- After watching the film, Lisa complains.
Lisa: They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe.Seymour: Now as a special treat courtesy of our friends at the Meat Council, please help yourself to this tripe.
- Lisa uses the riding lawnmower to push away Homer’s barbecue pig.
Marge: Bart, no! [Bart is shown standing next to her]Bart: What?Marge: Sorry, force of habit. Lisa, no!
- Homer and Bart chase the runaway pig after Lisa pushes it down a hill.
[The pig rolls through some bushes.]Homer: It's just a little dirty! It's still good, it's still good![The pig ends up in a river.]Homer: It's just a little slimy! It's still good, it's still good![The pig gets stuck in the river dam and is blown away by the water pressure.]Homer: It's just a little airborne! It's still good, it's still good!Bart: It's gone.Homer: I know. [Scene cut to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant]Mr. Burns: You know Smithers, I think I'll donate $1 million to the local orphanage... when pigs fly![Smithers and him both laugh, then the pig goes flying past the window]Smithers: Will you be donating that money now, sir?Mr. Burns: No, I'd still prefer not.
134. - Treehouse of Horror VInote
A. - Attack of the 50-Foot Eyesores
- Chief Wiggum mistakenly shoots at an absurdly tall basketball player, thinking him to be one of the giant advertising characters come to life.
Wiggum: Aw, they're not so tough.Lou: Um... Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team.Wiggum: Um, yeah, well, he was turning into a monster.
- As Homer is relaxing in the giant donut he somehow got into the living room, the doorbell rings and the giant Lard Lad statue is waiting for him.
Homer: Hello? Yes? [opens door and sees Lard Lad] Oh, it's you… Uh, if you're looking for that donut of yours, um… Flanders has it. Go smash open his house.[Homer shuts the door as Lard Lad leaves.]Homer: [to himself] He came to life… Good for him.[Loud smashing is heard, then loud thumping and the doorbell; Homer opens the door and sees Lard Lad again.]Ned: [runs past on the street] Help me, Lord!Homer: [insistently] I TOLD YOU! Flanders has it! …Or Moe. Go kill Moe.
B. - Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace
- In the playground, the kids talk about the ways Groundskeeper Willie has been after them. Nelson walks in looking all neat, tidy and shiny, because he was run over by a floor buffer in his dream.
- Martin Prince ends up dying at school. Lunchlady Doris tries to wheel his body out without drawing any attention to it, but the sheet covering him gets caught around one of the wheels, being yanked off and revealing his screaming corpse. Everyone in the classroom is horrified, prompting Principal Skinner to have the body quickly removed from the classroom - only for it to end up being taken into the Kindergarten room by accident, which causes Principal Skinner to facepalm.
Martin: Aha! Morire: to die. Morit: he, she, or it dies.Willie: Moris: YOU die. You've mastered a dead tongue, but can you handle a live one?
- Willie delivers his death with a Pre-Mortem One-Liner that would make Freddy Krueger proud:
- After Willie is defeated in Bart’s dream, he shows up at the Simpson’s house and has a hilariously pitiful attempt to scare Bart and Lisa. Then the bus leaves and Willie realizes he left his gun on the seat. He also loses a shoe while trying to catch up with the bus on foot.
C. - Homer3note
- Homer enters the Third Dimension and is amazed by what he sees.
Homer: [thinking] O Glory of Glories. O heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's Creation. [speaking] Holy macaroni!
- As Homer explores more of the dimension he is in, he comments on the experience, and then ends up making a mistake.
Homer: Man, this place looks expensive. I feel like I’m wasting a fortune just standing here. [A 3D cone is seen bouncing around in the background; during a long pause, Homer scratches himself.] Better make the most of it. [BELCH!] [The 3D cone hits Homer in the butt.] OW! Watch it, coney! [He grunts as he throws the cone away, and it lands point first into the ground, creating a sinkhole that also functions as a black hole.] Whoops.
- Chief Wiggum gets tired of hearing Professor Frink explain the Third Dimension and decides to act.
Chief Wiggum: Enough of your borax, poindexter! A man’s life is at stake! We need action! [draws his gun and fires several bullets into the wall entrance] Take that, ya lousy dimension!
- Homer screams "CRAAAAAPPPP!" after getting sucked into a black hole.
- The black hole ends up taking 3D Homer into the real world, which he deems "The worst place yet!". He seems to forget all his troubles (and the awkward looks from humans) when he notices a bakery selling erotic cakes.
135. - King-Size Homer
- Waylon Smithers and the hired goons who work for Mr. Burns (and the Disney Corporation) break into the men’s restroom and drag Homer out — all because he wants to get out of 5 minutes of calisthenics.
- Dr. Hibbert refuses to take part in Homer's personal weight-gain plan.
Homer: Can you recommend a doctor who will?Dr. Hibbert: ...Yes. [scene cut]Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody!Bart & Homer: Hi, Dr. Nick!
- Dr. Nick Riviera explains to Homer a few ways to make gaining weight go faster.
Homer: What can I do to speed the whole thing up, doctor?Dr. Nick: Ah, be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Pop-Tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
- As Homer is eating food at Krusty Burger, Bart hands him a fish sandwich. Homer isn’t too sure about eating it, so Bart rubs it against the wallpaper, turning it clear. Then a bird flies right smack into the clear spot.
- Homer mocks traffic as he stays home from work, due to experimental monkeys taking over the freeway.
Homer: Hee-hee-hee! I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas, brake, honk! Gas, brake, honk! Honk, honk, punch! Gas, gas, gas!
- Homer casually walks to work-at-home computer.
Homer: 8:58, first time I've ever been early for work. Except for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers.
- Bart envisions growing up to be housebound and obese like his dad, saying "Ah wash mahself with a rag on a stick!".
- As he is working, Homer discovers that his work can be done at a faster rate.
Homer: Well, give me a Y, give me a…Hey! All I have to type is Y. [to Marge] Hey, Miss Doesn't-find-me-attractive-sexually-anymore, I just tripled my productivity!Marge: Good. Good for you.
- In the basement, Homer cleans the hat he wears with his muumuu.
Homer: Mmm... I can feel three kinds of softness.Lisa: Dad, what are you doing down there?Homer: Washing my fat guy hat, honey.
- At the Aztec Theater, Homer is denied entrance into the movie because of his size and all the people who are watching laugh at him.
Homer: Shame on all of you. Give me my dignity! I just came here to see "Honk If You're Horny" in peace!Manager: Sir, if you'd just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.
- Lenny and Carl walk past the rumbling nuclear tank.
Carl: Hey, that thing's going caca cuckoo.Lenny: Who cares? It's Homer's problem.
- Homer tries to call the nuclear plant to warn about the potential explosion, but his fingers can’t press the right numbers because they are too big.
Homer: I gotta call the plant and warn 'em. [He picks up the phone and ends up pushing several buttons at once. Multiple tones are heard simultaneously, followed by the warning tone.]Telephone Operator Lady: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. [Homer shrieks, drops the phone, and runs out the front door.]
- In order to stop a nuclear explosion at the power plant, Homer hijacks an ice cream truck. After briefly showing another calisthenics exercise at the nuclear plant and the tank shaking more vigorously than earlier, the scene cuts to the school bus that Otto drives.
Ralph: I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.Lisa: Hey, my dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some kind of food crazed maniac![Lisa looks out the bus window and sees Homer passing the school bus in the ice cream truck, eating an ice cream cone.]Homer: Mm ah! Oh, that's raspberry! [Lisa moans.]
- Homer drives the ice cream truck through the fence, and some employees get excited and run after it.
Homer: Get away, damn it! Run for your lives!Worker #1: I'll take a rocket pop!Worker #2: What can I get for 30 cents?!Homer: Let go! I've got to get to the tank![The truck crashes and tips on its side. Homer runs out.]Worker #3: [looking at the roof of the ice cream truck after it flipped over] Heck, I can't decide without the pictures.
- Homer ends up stopping a nuclear explosion at the plant.
Lisa: I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.Bart: And I think it's ironic that for once Dad's butt prevented the release of toxic ga-Marge: BART!
- Afterward, Mr. Burns agrees to help Homer lose the extra weight he gained.
Mr. Burns: Now Homer, if there is anything else I can do for you, please don’t hesitate to ask.[Homer looks at his family and sees how hard his obesity has made life for them.]Homer: Mr. Burns, can you make me thin again?Mr. Burns: I guarantee it.[At night, Mr. Burns and Homer are the only 2 people at the plant. Homer strains as he tries to do a sit-up.]Mr. Burns: [through megaphone] One. One! ONE! [He throws the megaphone on to the ground in frustration.] Bah! I’ll just pay for the blasted liposuction!Homer: WOO-HOO!
136. - Mother Simpson
- Homer uses a dummy to fake his own death. Many of the other nuclear plant employees believe that he really did die, including Mr. Burns and Waylon Smithers.
Mr. Burns: [surprisingly sad] Smithers, who was that corpse?Smithers: [increasingly sad and teary] Homer Simpson, sir... one of the finest, bravest men ever to grace Sector 7-G! [sobs, the becomes calm and bureaucratic again] I'll cross him off the list.
- Homer goes to the Springfield Hall of Records to change his status of deceased back to alive. He demands to see what is in the government file and the bureaucrat reluctantly agrees.
Homer: [reading on computer screen] "Wife: Marjorie. Children: Bartholomew, Lisa"—aha! See? This thing is all screwed up! Who the heck is Margaret Simpson?Bureaucrat: Uh, your youngest daughter.Homer: [mockingly] Uh, your youngest daughter.
- Homer goes and visits (what he has believed for a long time to be) his mother's "grave".
- Chief Wiggum tries to radio an APB on Homer and Mona.
Chief Wiggum: Put out an APB on a...Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Uh, you better start with Greektown.Joe Friday: That's "Homer J. Simpson," Chief. You're reading it upside down.Chief Wiggum: Uh, cancel that APB, but could you bring us back some of those, uh...gy-ros?Joe Friday: Uh, Chief? You're talking into your wallet. [Wiggum's wallet unfolds in his hand, revealing a long chain of family photos.]
- Later, Mr. Burns attempts to storm the Simpson home in a tank in order to arrest Homer's mother Mona, who sabotaged his chemical lab in The Sixties.
Mr. Burns: [in the tank] I've been waiting 25 years for this moment. [He plays a cassette tape of "Ride of the Valkyries." It switches into ABBA's "Waterloo." He glares at Smithers.]Smithers: I'm sorry, sir, I must have taped over that.note
- Then they storm the house to that music anyway.
- Grampa Abe stalls the FBI so Mona and Homer can escape.
Joe Friday: FBI. The jig is up.Abe: All right, I admit it: I am the Lindbergh baby. Waah! Waah! Goo goo. I miss my fly-fly dada.Friday: Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile?Abe: A little from column A, a little from column B.
137. - Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming
- Sideshow Bob does an impersonation of Colonel Leslie Hapablap in order to get access to the restricted area of an Air Force base hangar.
[Intercom buzzes]Sergeant: Authorization code?Bob: [impersonating Colonel Hapablap] Code? Son, this is Colonel Hapablap. That fool McGuckett sprayed runway foam all over Chuck Yeager's Acura. Now get down there with the chamois triple time!Sergeant: But Colonel, I'm under strict orders...Bob: Sweet Enola Gay, son! Get moving or I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a... [breaks character and speaks disdainfully in his natural voice]...snot party.Sergeant: Sir! Right away Sir!
- The Distinguished Representatives of Television are:
- Krusty sees the porno magazines on the table and yells, "Hey, hey! Now this is my kind of meeting!"
- Sideshow Bob attempts to kill Krusty by smashing the Wright Brothers plane into the civil defense shed out in the Alkali Flats. After being warned by Bart, Krusty jumps through the window to safety, gets up from cover, lights a cigarette, and says "What is the friggin’ hold up?" The plane finally reaches the shack, harmlessly bounces off it...only to get run over by a tank.
Soldier: Oooh, sorry. We normally don't drive these things in the Air Force...
Bob: DIIIIIIEEEEE, KRRRUSSTY, DIII- *plane bounces off shed wall*
- Nothing for Sideshow Bob's anti-climatic death cry?:
138. - The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular
- The crude, child-like drawings of Abe Simpson and Krusty the Clown.
- Troy McClure walks off-stage, sighing in "Why the hell am I doing this?"-style defeat, and smokes a cigarette during the first commercial break.
- After some clips from the Tracy Ullman shorts, there's a cut back to a very confused looking McClure-who, upon realizing the cameras are on, manages to get out a very short, forced laugh.
- Troy gets poked in the stomach after falling asleep during the "cut-out classics" montage.
- In the deleted scenes, Homer is going through all the care packages that Mona sent him, and Mona asks what he's doing for a living. He explains that he's working for the nuclear plant, to which Mona, most likely due to her history with Mr. Burns, is clearly disappointed. Homer reassures her that he doesn't work very hard. Then quietly tells her he's actually bringing the place down from the inside.
- Troy ends the episode with a montage of "hardcore nudity!" (though the nudity is mid-PG-level).
139. - Marge Be Not Proud
- Bart watches the commercial for a new video game called Bonestorm, and then does what Santa instructs at the end.
Bart: Buy me Bonestorm or go to Hell!Marge: Bart!Homer: Young man, in this house, we use a little word called "please".
- Bart asks Milhouse if he can play Bonestorm, and then he gets thrown out of the house by Luann.
Bart: [walking in] Say, cool dude, can I play too?Milhouse: [scrambling] Uh, uh, it's only a one player game.Bart: Then how come it says "Second player score"?Milhouse: [loudly] Mom! Bart's swearing! [cut to Luann escorting Bart out of the house]
- The different video game mascots encourage Bart to steal the Bonestorm video game from the Try-N-Save.
Luigi: [Italian accent] Go on Bart, take-a the Bonestorm.Mario: [Italian accent] The store, she's-a so rich, she'll-a never notice.Donkey Kong: Duhh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much.Lee Carvallo: Don't do it son, how's that game going to help your putting?Sonic: Juuuust TAKE IT! Take it take it take it take take it! TAKEIT!
- Some of the past Christmas photos show Bart doing goofy things to ruin the picture, including holding a speech bubble that says, "I stink!" next to Homer.
- The scene at the end of Lee Carvello's Putting Challenge being played. "Ball is in parking lot."
- Would you like to try again?
- You have selected no.
- Would you like to try again?
140. - Team Homer
- Bart and Lisa both have to adapt to Springfield Elementary's new school uniforms.
Bart: Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer: [nearby, using the phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Marge: HOMER! Watch your mouth!
Homer: Aw, I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening.
- When Mr. Burns and Smithers crash the bowling alley:
Mr. Burns: Look at them, Smithers, enjoying their embezzlement.
Smithers: I have a much uglier word for it, sir: "Misappropriation"!
- The kids cause a riot after the rain turns their uniforms into tie-dyed art.
- Principal Skinner sees the effects of the rain and realizing he buys his mother's clothes from the same place.
Seymour: Oh God! Mother's in the park!
Chalmers: This I gotta see.
141. - Two Bad Neighbors
- The reason Apu isn't at the Kwik-E-Mart at the beginning is because the Squishee machine malfunctioned and flooded the place. We then see the interior, where the two repairmen are in diving suits, while Jimbo breaks in through the roof access and steals two cases of beer.
- Homer gets stuck behind George H.W. Bush and his bodyguard Ray Johnson at the Krusty Burger drive-thru.
Homer: Oh, man: I've only got 1 minute 'til they stop serving those breakfast balls! [stops behind Bush at the drive thru]George: Let's see, now...what do you folks have here, huh? Hmm, a "Krusty Burger"...that doesn't sound too appetizing. What kind of stew do you have today?Squeaky-Voiced Teen: [through order box] Uh...we don't have stew.[Homer honks his car horn impatiently]Ray: Sir, why don't you just have the cheeseburger?George: Aw, that's really more of a weekend thing, Ray.Homer: [loudly] Hey, jerk! Move your fanny!George: That guy's louder than World War II. Ray, go see what the rhubarb is, will you?[Ray goes back toward Homer's car]Ray: Sir, could you pop your hood?[Homer does so; Ray disables the horn]Homer: Hey: my taxes paid for that horn!
- Homer tricks Bush into coming outside using cardboard cutouts of "Jeb" and "George Bush Jr.". At the time, the writers had no idea there actually was a George Bush Jr., and the gag was supposed to be that Homer idiotically made up a fake son. Now, it looks like Homer knew all along.
[George comes outside, and the cardboard cutouts are drawn up quickly.]Homer: NOW, BOY! GIVE 'EM THE GLUE![Bart, who was atop the roof over the door, pours a big bottle of super glue all over George’s head.]Homer: [sprints by and slams a big rainbow afro wig on his head] HAHAHAHAHAH! [Bart and him flee]
- Then George goes to his Elk Club meeting, saying that was the only thing he was going to leave his house to do.
George: [having cut most of the stuck wig off, leaving only a short, rainbow color clean cut look] Now...are there any questions?[Almost everyone's hands go up]George: [highly irritated] Keeping in mind—I already explained the hair.[Those hands go back down]
- Then George goes to his Elk Club meeting, saying that was the only thing he was going to leave his house to do.
- The prank war between Homer and George H.W. Bush.
- Barbara Bush forces George to give an apology to Homer so their dispute can end.
George: I'm sorry I spanked your boy, Homer.Homer: Woo-hoo! In your face, Bush. Now apologize for the tax hike.
142. - Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield
- Grampa Abe breaks the family’s TV and is promptly dropped off at the retirement home.
- Homer meets professional golfer Tom Kite.
Tom Kite: I'm PGA Tour Pro Tom Kite. How 'bout I give you a few pointers on your game? [continuing] Now, you don't want to overthink.Homer: Not an issue.Tom: Keep your head down.Homer: [raising his head] Huh?Tom: Pretend there's no one else here. [Homer scratches his butt with the club and burps]...And just go at your own pace. [Homer hits the ball very close to the hole]....Wow, very impressive. You're a natural, Mr. Simpson.Homer: Really?Tom: Uh huh. All you need is your own set of clubs, and stay the hell out of my locker! — You can keep the shoes!
- Homer swings a golf club until he lets it go...and it knocks out Krusty the Clown as he's learning how to golf.
143. - Bart the Fink
- On the evening news, Kent Brockman reports on Krusty being arrested for tax fraud and Bart's role in it. Bart ends up feels remorseful.
Bart: Krusty's my hero. How could I do this to him?Lisa: It is a tragedy for all us kids, but Bart, you can't beat yourself up.Bart: Yeah. There'll be plenty of people to do that for me at recess tomorrow.
- Bob Newhart gives a rambling eulogy for Krusty, which he makes up on the spot (he was waiting for a different funeral to start).
Bob Newhart: Oh. Um, although I started my career several years before Krusty, so I could never really have learned anything... directly from him, still, I think, in a way, in a very meaningful way, that I... that all, all of us... have learned... from him. That is, by being, a clown on television for, for... for so many years. Even though, uh, y’know, many of us, we didn’t really watch his show. [audience is silent] Uh, th-thank you.
- Homer pitifully attempts to comfort Bart over Krusty's death.
Homer: Oh Bart, don't worry, people die all the time. In fact, you could wake up dead tomorrow.
144. - Lisa the Iconoclast
- Homer talks to Hollis Hurlbut, the museum curator.
Homer: Town crier. I'd like to ask you a few questions. One: Where's the fife? And two: Gimme the fife.
- "I have nothing but respect for the office of town crier, but this is well outside your jurisdiction!"
- "Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?"
- The Comic Book Guy's appearance at the copy place:
Homer: No, it's Homer.Comic Book Guy: Well then I would thank you to stop staring at my screen-play, Homer. And if I ever see a movie where robots threaten our personal liberties, I'll know you've stolen my idea!Homer: I'm just waiting her with my kid.Homer's Brain: Mental note: Steal his idea.
145. - Homer the Smithers
- A drunken Lenny tries to thank Mr. Burns for a good time, but he ends up horrifying Mr. Burns. Waylon Smithers ends up feeling guilty for letting it happen when he drives Mr. Burns home.
Smithers: I'll never be able to forgive myself. [Smithers starts hitting his head on the steering wheel.] Never, never, never, never, never![Mr. Burns puts up the window between the two of them and the phone rings.]Smithers: Never, never, never, never! [He is still hitting his head on the steering wheel.]
- Smithers looks for the worst employee at the nuclear power plant to replace him while he goes on vacation, so that Mr. Burns will be awfully grateful when he returns.
Smithers: [typing into computer] Incompetent... [screen shows "714 matches"] 714 names! Better be more specific. [types some more] Lazy, clumsy, dimwitted, monstrously ugly. [screen shows "714 matches" again] Ah, nuts to this, I'll just get Homer Simpson.
- Homer informs Mr. Burns of messages he received; all of them are about a car Mr. Burns owns.
Homer: Here are your messages. "You have 30 minutes to move your car. You have 10 minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have 30 minutes to move your cube." [Mr. Burns’ phone rings and Homer answers it.] Yello, Mr. Burns’ office.Mr. Burns: Is it about my cube?
- Homer goes through a few attempts at making Mr. Burns breakfast, which ends with Homer setting fire to a bowl of cereal -- by merely pouring milk and cereal in a bowl.
- As Homer returns to apologize for punching Mr. Burns in the face, he is seen hiding and cowering behind his rubber tree plant in the corner of the office.
- After Homer gives an apology and Mr. Burns tells Homer to leave him alone, he (Mr. Burns) decides to call Smithers by dialing his name on the phone (764-84377 spells S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S). note He winds up calling Moe Szyslak at his bar, and Moe answers the phone.
Moe: Moe's Tavern.Mr. Burns: [on the other end] I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers. First name Waylon.[Moe thinks it's another prank phone call and catches on early.]Moe: Ohhhhhh. So you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, OK!? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat![Mr. Burns becomes afraid and sticks the phone in a drawer without hanging it up.]
- Homer inadvertently disconnects the telephone call to Mr. Burns’ elderly mother instead of pressing the "Transfer" button, so he ends up improvising a conversation with Mr. Burns by using an impersonation voice. Mr. Burns finds out and is not happy about it.
- Mr. Burns recklessly driving across town.
Mr. Burns: Out of my way, please! I'm a motorist!Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's some nice reckless driving, Mr. B!
- The very, very gay resort that Smithers is staying at.
"I gotta go, sir! There's a line behind me!"
- The kids trying to take advantage of a sleep-deprived Homer.
Bart: Look alive, Simpson, I'm not paying you to goldbrick.Homer: Uh, yes, sir.Bart: Now get cracking on my long division, and don't forget to show your work, Simpson.Homer: I'll have it on your desk tomorrow morning, sir.Lisa: Bart, leave Simpson alone! Simpson, I need a ride to the library.Homer: Yes, sir.Marge: Kids, stop exploiting your father. Homie, why don't you lie down and relax?Homer: No time, Marge. I think Mr. Burns wants me to do some long division.Marge: Simpson, lie down!
- Smithers trying to get a new job. First he applies to a job as a piano mover...and immediately needs a steel rod where his spine was. Then he tries to be an announcer at the speed track, and is thrown out when he questions saying things three times.
146. - The Day the Violence Died
- The Schoolhouse Rock parody is about an Amendment to ban flag-burning waiting to be ratified.
Lisa: So it's true. Some cartoons do encourage violence.
- Bart and Lisa try to tell Roger Meyers Jr. that they had a plan to save his company from bankruptcy, but he isn’t interested.
Roger Meyers Jr.: Oh, great. Why don't you write it down and mail it to last week, when I might have cared!
147. - A Fish Called Selma
- The Planet of the Apes musical.
- There is a Deleted Scene set during Troy's bachelor party (which appeared in some TV promos and is available on a Deleted Scene reel on the season seven DVD set), where Homer protests over showing a film about nudists because it doesn't have "adult themes and situations."
- Troy's completely nonchalant response to this question:
Selma: Is this a sham marriage?Troy: Sure, baby, is that a problemo?
148. - Bart on the Road
- Bart puts the rental car on cruise control, only to promptly wind up driving through a corn field.
- Milhouse messes with the radio and Nelson hurts him.
Milhouse: [plays around with radio] Bart! Nelson hit me!Bart: He sure did.
- Bart describes Branson, Missouri.
Bart: My dad says it's like Vegas... if it were run by Ned Flanders.
- Nelson is the only of the 4 boys who enjoys hearing Andy Williams sing.
- Martin spends his last $10 on an Al Gore doll.
Al Gore doll: You are hearing me talk.
- Lisa has to explain Bart's plight to Homer.
Lisa: [rapidly] Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Martin, Milhouse, and Nelson to a week out in Knoxville and their car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't come back home and Bart's working as a courier and he just got back from Hong Kong!Homer: [Face reddens and returns to normal; in an eerily calm tone] Yes, that's a real pickle. Could you excuse me for a moment?[Homer puts on a radiation suit and rages incomprehensibly for a few seconds. He then returns to Lisa.]Homer: [calm again] Okay. I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home. Then I will murder him.Lisa: [objecting] No, no! Then he'll know I told!
- Marge answers a few different phone calls in the bedroom before the credits roll.
[phone rings]Marge: Hello? Oh, hello, Principal Skinner. No, Bart has never been to Hong Kong. Good night.[phone rings again]Marge: Hello? Tennessee State Police?! No, my son's car was not crushed in Knoxville! I don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that. Good night.[phone rings a third time]Marge: Hello? No. Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam. [slams phone down; Homer snickers] Homer, are you laughing at me?
149. - 22 Short Films About Springfield
- Dr. Nick is called to help out Grampa Abe with a medical problem.
Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody! Now, tell Dr. Nick where is the trouble.Abe: I'm itchy! I've got ants in my pants! I'm discombobulated! Give me a calmative!Dr. Nick: Slow down, sir! You're going to give yourself skin failure!
- "That monkey is going to pay."
- Superintendent Chalmers visits Principal Seymour Skinner for lunch.
Chalmers: GOOD LORD, what is happening in there?! (the kitchen is on fire)Seymour: Aurora Borealis?Chalmers: Ah—Aurora Borealis?! At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen?!Seymour: Yes.[beat]Chalmers: May I see it?Seymour: Oh, erm... No.[cut to Chalmers leaving]Agnes: Seymour! The house is on fire!Seymour: No, mother! It's just the Northern Lights!Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say: you steam a good ham.[as Chalmers leaves the camera zooms out to show that the ENTIRE ground floor is now on fire]Agnes: HEEELP! HEEEEELP!
- The scene of Homer, Maggie and Santa's Little Helper at the newsstand.
- At Krusty Burger, Chief Wiggum, Lou, and Eddie discuss the variances between that restaurant and the major fast food chain called McDonald's.
Lou: Y'know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night.Chief Wiggum: The McWhat?Lou: Uh, the McDonald's restaurant. I never heard of it either, but they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.Eddie: Hmm. Must have sprung up overnight.Lou: You know the funniest thing though? It's the little differences.Chief Wiggum: Example.Lou: Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right? But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.Chief Wiggum: Get out… well what do they call it?Lou: A Quarter Pounder with cheese.Chief Wiggum: A Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well I can picture the cheese, but… uh. Do they have Krusty Partially Gelatinated Non-Dairy Gum Based Beverages?Lou: Mmm hmm, they call 'em Shakes.Eddie: Huh, shakes. You don't know what you're gettin'.
- The very tall man Nelson Muntz laughed at forces Nelson to march down Main Street with his pants down; he drives slowly behind him.
Very Tall Man: [to the crowd of people] Hey, everybody! Look at this, it's that boy who laughs at everyone. Let's laugh at him!Crowd: HA-ha!Very Tall Man: [to Nelson] Wave to the people! Blow them kisses![Nelson sobs as he waves and blows kisses to people. As Nelson is walking, he arrives at the overpass bridge Bart and Milhouse are standing on. Both of them squirt ketchup and mustard on Nelson and laugh at him.]
150. - Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"
- Assassination attempt #1: Fernando Vidal attempts to poison the water Grampa Abe's false teeth are kept in. It fails when Abe breaks the glass and puts his alarm clock in his mouth instead.
Vidal: He's more clever than he looks.
- Assassination attempt #2: Fernando Vidal, Mr. Burns, and Waylon Smithers disguise themselves as members of the Simpson family as they try once again to kill Grampa Abe for their own benefit.
Nurse: Abraham Simpson, your family is here to visit you.Abe: Hot diggity, my family's come to visit me! [runs down the hall] Wait a minute... My family never comes to vi- Whoa! [a knife flies at his head]Vidal: [dressed as Homer] D'oh! Not again!Mr. Burns: [dressed as Marge] I can't take much more of your blundering numskullery.Smithers: [enters, disguised as Bart] I'll be in the car, dudes.
- Assassination attempt #3: Fernando Vidal operates a machine gun and makes the retirement home nurse upset.
Vidal: There is one more way to kill a man, but it is as intricate and precise as a well-played game of chess.[He bursts into the retirement home with a machine gun and starts randomly firing away.]Jasper: Was that me or was that you?[Grampa Abe runs away screaming from the gunfire, and into next room.]Abe: Nurse! Someone's trying to kill me!Nurse: Okay, we'll do something about that right away. Let's start by doubling your medication.[Vidal comes through and shoots everywhere. The nurse pulls out a shotgun.]Nurse: [BANG] OUR RESIDENTS- [PUMP,BANG] ARE TRYING- [PUMP,BANG] TO NAP![Vidal runs away.]
- The Simpson family briefly discusses where Grampa Abe is going to sleep in the house.
Marge: Where are we going to put him?Homer: Bart's room.Lisa: Bart's room.Marge: Bart's room.Bart: Dumpster.
- "Ah, Del Monte! Enjoy them, old man, for they will be your last!"
- Bart says that Grampa Abe’s story is gibberish. Abe shows Bart his Hellfish tattoo which is distorted by his wrinkles and Bart calls it "wrinkly gibberish".
- Mr. Burns' attitude in the flashbacks.
"Haven't you won the war yet?"
- The one to explain the tontine is Ox.
Dur. Essentially we all sign a contract wherein the last survinin' participant gets possession of all them purdy pictures.
151. - Much Apu About Nothing
- Apu becomes too depressed about being deported to care that Kearney is using a fake ID to buy beer (even though "Lisa the Iconoclast" established that Kearney is well over the legal age to buy and drink alcohol without having to use a fake I.D.) and shoplifting some ice cream sandwiches (which have melted in his armpits).
- Homer helps out Apu by being his history tutor, and he doesn’t do a very good job at it.
Homer: [points to an American flag] Now, please identify this object.Apu: It appears to be the flag that disappeared from the public library last year.Homer: Correct! Now, we all know the 13 stripes are for good luck, but why does the American flag have precisely 47 stars?Apu: It's because this particular flag is [chuckling] ridiculously out of date! [normal] The library much have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state but before Arizona did.Homer: Uh, partial credit.
152. - Homerpalooza
- Lisa and Bart watch Cypress Hill perform.
Bart: (sniffing) What is that smell?
- Otto notices his shoes are talking.
- When the host of the Hullabalooza Festival tells Homer he wants him to be in the show, Homer gets an inspired look on his face. The scene cuts to Homer sitting on his bed, still looking inspired as he talks to a frustrated Marge. He then tells her he feels he doesn't have a choice whether or not to join the show. This exchange occurs:
Marge: Well, of course you have a choice. You don't have to do it just because the opportunity came along.Homer: Marge, in a lot of ways, you and I are very different people.
- Backstage at the Hullabalooza Festival, another music group shows up.
Roadie: May I have your attention please! Who here ordered the London Symphony Orchestra? I repeat, someone here ordered the London Symphony Orchestra! Possibly while high! Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction.[The band members confer in whispers]B-Real: Uh yeah, I think we did....um, do you guys know 'Insane in the Membrane'?Violinist: We mainly play classical, but I suppose we could give it a shot.[Cypress Hill begin to perform 'Insane in the Membrane' with the orchestra backing.]
- Homer and Marge are frustrated that they can't be and don't understand what it means to be cool.
Homer: Wait Marge. Maybe if you're cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.Bart: Of course you do.Lisa: How else would you know?
153. - Summer of 4 Ft. 2
- Milhouse imitates several different kinds of sprinklers, which agitates Bart.
- The school bell rings.
Milhouse: SCHOOL'S OUT! UP YOURS, KRABAPPEL! [Milhouse then runs out of the classroom.]Edna: I'm glad the rest of you remembered that summer doesn't start until end of the day, [points to a clock that reads 9:00 A.M.] not at the beginning.
- Bart takes Milhouse with him on the family’s vacation to the Flanders’ beach house, but Milhouse has to sit in a baby seat.
- Homer uses a welcome mat as makeshift underwear — and is caught by the cops.
- While the family is playing the "Mystery Date" game in the Flanders' beach house, Bart's MD is a Milhouse doppelganger. Homer notices the similarity of the "dud" character and finds this so funny he smiles in slow motion, before rubbing it in Milhouse's face.
Homer: Hey! He looks just like you, poindexter! [laughs]
- Homer lights the fuse for the M-320 firework using the propane stove. Part of the fuse falls off, causing Homer to say "D’oh!". He inadvertently sticks the explosive in the refrigerator, but quickly remembers that his beer supply is in there. So he hurriedly takes it out while the fuse is still lit, throws it in the dishwasher, closes the door, and it explodes. Immediately, the effects of the M-320 cause a disgusting flood of dead fish and oily-looking water. Homer whistles and walks away as it happens. In the next scene, Marge is seen using a mop to clean the mess.
- Bart uses Milhouse's glasses as binoculars and doesn't give them back. Milhouse sees a horseshoe crab and, believing it to be a dog, affectionately pats it. The clincher? The horseshoe crab wags its tail when he does this!
- Bart and Lisa try to spit on each other while riding the round-up, but it changes direction which causes the spit to hit Milhouse in the face.
- Homer gives possibly the greatest Goshdang It To Heck ever over Lisa's beach friends' "gift" to her.
Homer: SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! MY CAR!note
154 - Treehouse of Horror VII
- In the opening, Homer is lighting a jack o' lantern, but he accidentally catches his hand on fire, then his whole body, and he starts running around screaming.
- From the first segment "The Thing and I": Lisa suggesting Radio Shack as a possible place that Hugo may be hiding.
- From the third segment "Citizen Kang":
Kodos: My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball, but tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.
- The alien Kodos disguised as President Bill Clinton:
Kent Brockman: Kent Brockman here, with Campaign '96: America Flips A Coin. At an appearance this morning, Bill Clinton made some rather cryptic remarks, which aides attributed to an overly tight necktie.Kodos: I am Clin-ton! As overlord, all will kneel before me and obey my brutal commands. (crosses arms over chest) End communication.Marge: Hmm, that's Slick Willie for you, always with the smooth talk.
- Marge watches a newscast about the election:
Kang: Abortions for all.Crowd: Booo!Kang: Very well, no abortions for anyone.Crowd: Booo!Kang: Hmm... Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.Crowd: Yaaaaaaay! (waves miniature flags)Kodos: It's true, we are aliens. But what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us.Man 1: He's right, this is a two-party system.Man 2: Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate.Kang: Go ahead! THROW YOUR VOTE AWAY! (laughs)(Ross Perot scowls and furiously punches a hole in his "Perot '96" hat)
- Kang's political speech when disguised as Bob Dole:
Homer: Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos! (gets whipped)
- Later, when everybody on Earth is forced into slavery under Kang's control of power.
Kent: Senator Dole, why should people vote for you, instead of President Clinton?Kang: It makes no matter which one of us you vote for! Either way your planet is doomed! DOOMED!Kent: A refreshingly frank remark there from Bob Dole.
- During the campaign trail, Kent interviews Kang.
- Everything about Kang and Kodos, frankly. But especially their means of making sure no-one will believe Homer.
Homer: Oh my god! Nude aliens! Bioduplication! Lyndon Larouche was right!Kodos: What? Are you still here? (moves towards an ominous button) I'm afraid we'll have to dispose of you...(Kodos presses the button, causing a massive cannon-like object to unfurl from the ceiling, which then unfurls into a smaller one as it gets closer to Homer. It then starts spraying him with a brown liquid)Homer: No, no, what are you spraying me with?Kang: Rum! So no-one will believe your story!(The wall behind Homer opens up, and Kang kicks him out)Kang: And don't come back!
- How Homer stumbles upon the spaceship: He's walking by the lake, muttering to himself, and tries kicking a bush. He hurts his foot, and starts tearing the bush apart. then he notices the alien spaceship parked right on top of it.
155 - You Only Move Twice
- As Homer and Marge are trying to sell their house in order to move to Cypress Creek:
Apu: Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your restroom, flip through your magazines and rearrange your carefully shelved items. Ha! Now you know how it feels!Homer: Thank you, come again!
- Anything Hank Scorpio says or does:
- Hank introduces himself to the family at their new house.
Marge: Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us. I keep expecting to get the bum's rush.Hank: We don't have bums in our town, Marge, and if we did they wouldn't rush; they'd be allowed to go at their own pace.
- Homer leaning about his new job from Hank.
Hank: The key to motivation is trust. Let me show you what I mean. I want you to close your eyes and fall backwards, and I'll catch you. That's gonna show you what trust is all about. Ready?Homer: Right.Hank: Three... Two... (phone rings) One second... (he answers it) Hello?(Homer falls backwards and says "D'oh)Hank: Oh, my God, there a guy on the floor. (helps Homer up) Uh, that was a phone call; don't chalk that up to mistrust, now.
- Hank telling Homer where to buy hammocks, which was a Throw It In on Al Brooks' part, which is why Homer can barely keep up.
- Hank Scorpio's brief conversation with a government spy who is cuffed to a table.
James Bont: Scorpio, you're totally mad!Hank: I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk.Bont: Do you expect me to talk?Hank: I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral. You're gonna die now!
- Homer has to quit his job for his family and Hank Scorpio has a bizarre last request for him.
Hank: But, Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help me a lot. (grabs flamethrower, starts attacking soldiers with it while laughing) Hey Homer, you're missing out on some fun!
- ...And he actually does, by dejectedly kicking a grenade that was tossed his way back to the thrower. He was moping so much he didn't even notice.
- Hank introduces himself to the family at their new house.
- Hank Scorpio versus the U.N.
Hank: Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scoprio. I have the doomsday device. You have seventy-two hours to deliver the gold. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this!(Hank presses on a remote. In the background of the U.N.'s screen, something blows up)British representative: Oh my god, the 49th Street Bridge!India representative: Maybe it just collapsed on its own?British rep: We can't take that chance!India rep: You always say that! I want to take a chance!
156 - The Homer They Fall
- When Homer agrees to box:
Marge: Homer, you don't know how to box, you're 38 years old, and you haven't gotten any exercise since grade school. Of all the crazy ideas you've had, this one ranks somewhere in the middle. Before you even consider this, I insist you consult a doctor.
Homer: No problemo.
(Homer kisses Marge on the cheek and walks off)
Marge: (yelling) A competent doctor!
Homer: (off-screen) D'oh!
Dr. Hibbert: Why, I could hit you all day with this surgical two-by-four without ever knocking you down. (looks at his watch) But, I have other appointments.
- And then when Dr. Hibbert gives him the okay:
- When Moe rescues Homer, who's about to be knocked out in the ring:
Announcer: Oh, my God! Simpson's manager has flown into the ring and is airlifting him out! (heartwarming tone) Ladies and gentlemen... whatever dignity remained in boxing is literally flying out the window!
- The Fan Man chasing after Moe (who stole his fan so he can rescue Homer from being beaten up by Drederick Tatum.
157 - Burns, Baby Burns
- A lot of Larry Burns' lines (no surprise, since Rodney Dangerfield voiced him)
- "A bloody end for Homer Simpson....... is just one of several possible outcomes according to our computer simulation!"
- "Here's how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs."
- "Oooowwww, stop it!"
- "Here's how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs."
- On finding Homer and Larry have faked the kidnapping, Marge tells Homer to take Larry back, despite his objections.
Homer: But Marge, it's broad daylight and there are cops everywhere.Marge: No "buts"! Just do it!(Homer and Larry walk off outside.)Kent: (on TV) And we're ju- (notices Home and Larry) There they are, Burns and the kidnapper!(Homer sees the news copter and flees)Kent: Appearing in broad daylight and with police everywhere, ladies and gentlemen there is only one word for that: Idiocy.Marge: Hrrrmm.
- Homer's brain literally walking out on him while Ned describes cider to him.
- "Yale could use an international airport, Mr. Burns."
158 - Bart After Dark
- Bart's victory chant before falling off the roof of the house ("S-U-C-C-E-E-S. That's the way you spell success!")
- Homer watching TV:
TV Announcer: It's 10pm. Do you know where your children are?Homer: For the last time, no! [beat] Where is Bart, anyway? His dinner's getting all cold and eaten.
- Homer Simpson's using a grocery bag as pants since he can't find them.
- The first day of Bart's job at the La Maison Derrière. Abe Simpson is whistling casually, walking into the place AND walk back out once he sees Bart. He then opens the door again leading to this conversation:
Abe: Is your name 'Bart'?Bart: Mm-hmm!Abe: What the—?! Does your father know you're working here?!Bart: It was his idea.Abe: In that case, I'll have a whiskey sour.
- In fact, majority of the guys (and possibly a few girls like Patty) in Springfield visits there when Marge has a meeting and shows the slides of the 'local' visitors. A brick joke that Chief Wiggum was shown twice and no one seems to know the local drunk, Barney.
- Principal Skinner encounters Bart at the Burlesque House.
Seymour: Oh, I hope I didn't miss the floor show.Bart: Nope.Seymour: Is Roxanne back?Bart: Yep.Seymour: Did she, uh, get my flowers?Bart: She did.Seymour: [turns around to see him] Oh. Uh, hello, Bart.Bart: Hello, Principal Skinner.
- Reverend Lovejoy & Ned Flanders visit Homer about Bart.
Rev. Lovejoy: Your son has been working in a burlesque house.Helen: Principal Skinner saw him with his own eyes.Seymour: [comes out behind Rev. Lovejoy] That's true, but I was only in there to get directions on how to get away from there.
- Homer telling off the concerned townsfolk.
Homer: Well, if Homer Simpsons wants his 10-year-old son working in a burlesque house, then Homer Simpson's 10-year-old son is working in a burlesque house! That's—!(the people disperse to reveal an angry Marge glaring at him)Homer: (nervously laughs) Hi! Now, Marge, you're gonna hear a lot of crazy talk about Bart working in a burlesque house.
- When Marge confronts Belle:
Belle: I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar.
Marge: Oh? I've lived in this town for 37 years.
Belle: I've lived here 52 years.
Marge: Well I'm third generation.
Marge: ...Get out of my town!
- After Marge realize that everyone doesn't want to tear down the burlesque house thanks to a song, she tries to sing a song of her own, but accidentally hits the lever of the bulldozer and accidentally tears down part of the house. Cue to everyone's' Death Glare at her.
159 - A Milhouse Divided
- Homer laughing at Kirk (Milhouse's dad) after finding his messed up demo tape, "Can I Borrow a Feeling?"
- Kirk getting his car stolen by Starla
- Bart hitting Homer with a chair (after seeing Luann's new boyfriend withstand a chair hit) while Homer is enjoying a nice bath.
- A subtle one: Kirk mentions that Starla works as a temp for a radio station called KZOG Radio 530 and is going to help him launch his singing career by playing his demo tape. Radio stations with the call number 530 are used for traffic broadcasts, and wouldn't air music in the first place, making Kirk stupider for believing in his skank girlfriend.
- Milhouse's dad trying to win back Luann by singing to her at Homer and Marge's remarriage — only to get shot down.
- Marge hiding the plate of Allied Biscuits after Luann mentions that Kirk's cracker factory plunged to sixth place with Table Time and Allied Biscuit.
- When Luann can't recognize Kirk's drawing of dignity, he tells her to do better. She draws something quick (that we can't see), and everyone instantly agrees that it's a perfect representation of dignity.
- Homer mentioning the comic strip premise of "Love Is..." ("It's about two naked eight-year-olds who are married...")
- The conversation of Kirk getting fired at the cracker factory
Kirk: You're letting me go?!Manager: Kirk, crackers are a family food - happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without.Kirk: So that's it, after twenty years, "So long, good luck"?Manager: I don't recall saying "good luck".
- When Homer goes to the courthouse:
Homer: I'd like to file for... divorce.
(dramatic sting as the camera zooms in on his sad face)
Clerk: (indifferent) These things happen. Eight dollars.
- Kirk tries to impress Homer with his bachelor pad:
Kirk: I sleep in a racing car; do you?
Homer: No, I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
Kirk: (crestfallen) Oh, yeah...
160 - Lisa's Date with Density
- During Band Class:
Crowd: Lisa likes Nelson!Milhouse: She does not!Crowd: Milhouse likes Lisa!Janey: He does not!Crowd: Janey likes Milhouse!Uter: She does not!Crowd: Uter likes Milhouse!Mr. Largo: NOBODY LIKES MILHOUSE!
- Later, Lisa gets Milhouse to pass a love note to Nelson. Nelson reads note, then looks over at Milhouse, who waves at him. Next thing you know Milhouse is on a stretcher, being loaded into an ambulance. When Lisa tries to apologize to him the paramedic tells her "He can't hear you now. We had to pack his ears with gauze."
- Nelson helps Willie clean up the grounds as part of his detention:
Nelson: (holding a buzzing hornet's nest on a rake) Hey Willie, catch the football! (flings the hornet's nest at Willie)Willie: All right, I'll-AAAAYAAAHAAAAAHAAHAHA!!!
- Nelson's Joy to the World song.
- Homer's telemarketing message keeps calling the Flanders house well-into the night. Ned keeps answering the phone, which annoys Maude to no end.
Maude: That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn!
Homer: (leaning outside his bedroom window) WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP! PEOPLE ARE TRYIN' TO SLEEP!
- "Ned, did you plug that phone back in?" "Shut up!"
161 - Hurricane Neddy
- Flanders verbally attacking everyone after his house collapses and his attempts to keep calm fall through.
Ned: As for YOU (Lenny), I don't know who you are, but I'm sure you're a jerk!Lenny: Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on?
- Ned arrives at Calmwood Mental Hospital, driving straight through the front gates. And as he checks in:
Ned: I just attacked all my friends and neighbors just for trying to help me. I'd like to commit myself.Nurse: Very well. Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer to be dragged off kicking and screaming?Ned: Ooh, kicking and screaming, please.Nurse: As you wish.(two orderlies grab Ned and drag him away)
- A therapist, Dr. Foster tries to get Ned Flanders to express his repressed anger, so he makes Homer read insults to Ned from cue cards. The window separating the two guys rolls down.
Homer: Ned Flanders, I mock your value system. You also appear foolish to the eyes of others.Ned: Well howdy, Homer! (partition slides up) Thanks for dropping by!Dr. Foster: Hmm. He's not responding. Proceed to level 2 antagonism. (partition slides down)Homer: Past instances in which I professed to like you were fraudulent.Ned: Oh, well, I'll just have to try harder. (partition slides up) Thanks for dropping by!Dr. Foster: Ah, he's still repressing. Maximum hostility factor. (partition slides down)Homer: I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other. Now that's psychiatry!
162 - El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of [Our] Homer)
- Bart sees something outside the bathroom window.
Bart: (noticing Homer's silhouette in the lighthouse light) Hey Lisa, is that dad?Lisa: Either that or Batman really let himself go.
- Homer: IN YOUR FACE, SPACE COYOTE!
Marge: (with much confusion) Space coyote?
- Homer: Oh man, this is crazy! I hope I didn't brain my damage!
- Homer: A ghost train! And so little time to get out of the way. Now less! Now none!
- Homer meets his spirit guide:
Homer: Well, what should I do? Should I meditate? Should I get rid of all my possessions?Space Coyote: Are you kidding?! If anything you should get more possessions! You don't even have a computer.
- As Homer finds ways to rationalize his journey was All Just a Dream:
Homer: And that talkin' coyote was really just a talkin' dog.
Dog: Hi, Homer. Find your soulmate.
Homer: Wait a minute, there's no such thing as a talking dog!
(The dog barks)
Homer: Damn straight.
- The entire bit with Homer and the turtle.
- When Homer is pondering about his soul mate in the dream, the he suddenly notices the coyote (voiced by Johnny Cash) is attacking his leg
Homer: Hey, quit it! *kicks him away*Space Coyote: Sorry. I am a coyote.
- The sheer fact that the ship is full of hot pants!
- "Find your soulmate, Homer. Find your soulmate."
Homer: Where?! WHERE!Space Coyote voice: This is just your memory. I cannot give you any new information.
- The DVD commentary for this episode now acknowledges that part as a "Funny Aneurysm" Moment. Due to Johnny Cash's death before this episode was released on DVD, the scene now plays out like Cash is talking to Homer from Heaven.
163 - The Springfield Files
- Leonard Nimoy's introduction:
Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is no.
- Just before his encounter with the alien, Homer comes across a giant billboard reading "DIE". He screams. A wind blows a tree aside, revealing that it said "DIET". He screams louder. As he runs away from the sign, his dad appears from behind the trees.
Abe: Oh, son, I'm glad to see ya. I went for the morning paper and I got lost! And-Homer: No time for you, old man. (he shoves his dad to the ground and continues running)
- After Homer first sees the alien who turns out to be a heavily drugged Mr. Burns, he runs from the alien screaming "Yahhh!" and manages to spell it out as he runs through the tall grass, even leaping to get the exclamation mark down.
- Chief Wiggum: I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter... (First in response to Homer's alien sighting, then to an arsonist turning himself in.)
- "HUMAN BLIMP SEES FLYING SAUCER"
Mulder: There's been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've gotta get there right away."[Holds up newspaper reading HUMAN BLIMP SEES FLYING SAUCER]Scully: Well, gee, Mulder. There's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.Mulder: Pfft, I hardly think the FBI's concerned with matters like that.
- Also, Homer failing the lie detector test in a most explosive manner.
Agent Scully: Now, we're going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?Homer: Yes.(The polygraph abruptly explodes upon Homer's answer being registered)
- The police line up scene featuring nothing but famous famous aliens, including Marvin The Martian, Gort, ALF, Chewbacca and Kang(or is it Kodos?) from the series proper is a neat little visual gag.
- And the commentary reveals they didn't bother getting the copyright for any of them, calling it the most illegal shot in animation history. Though the only complaint they got was from the creator of ALF, who was only upset that he didn't get to do the voice.
- Scully puts Homer on a treadmill. Mulder asks what this test proves, she says it's no test, she just thought he could stand to lose a little weight. Mulder then admits that the jiggling of Homer's fat is almost hypnotic, with Scully, now staring blankly and speaking in a monotone, stating that "It's like a lava lamp."
- Homer shows Agents Scully and Mulder the place where he saw the alien. This time, Grampa emerges from behind some bushes.
Abe: For the love of God, help me! I've been here for four days and a turtle's got ahold of my teeth! (he points to the turtle) There he is!(The turtle with Grampa's teeth starts to walk away and Abe slowly chases after it)Abe: Come back here, you! Slow down! I'll get ye. (he grunts as he keeps trying to catch the turtle)Scully: This is the worst assignment we've ever had.Mulder: Worse than the time we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus?(At this point, the turtle turns its mouth to bite Grampa's index finger.)Abe: Ow! He bit me with my own teeth!Scully: No this is much more irritating.
- Scully rolling her eyes as Mulder goes on yet another rant about the paranormal, followed by him finishing long after everyone is gone.
- "The unsolved mysteries of... Unsolved Mysteries! The truth is out there!"
- According to the commentary, they just let David Duchovny just ramble on about conspiracies and took some small bits to use for that sequence. According to Matt Groening, he managed to go on for 2 continuous hours before he ran out of steam.
- And the part where Moe and two Mexican workers are trying to get the killer whale they kidnapped back to Sea World by carrying it.
"Who'd a thought a whale could be so heavy?" (sees Mulder) Cheese it! The Feds!"
- The part at the end of act two where Nimoy is told he has ten minutes left - then runs to his car and never comes back (save for a cheap appearance during the alien sighting carnival in act three).
Squeaky-Voice Teen: I don't think he's coming back.
- Every time Mulder flashes his badge, you get a quick shot of a picture he has of himself lying down in nothing but a speedo.
164 - The Twisted World of Marge Simpson
- The "Whack-A-Mole" couch gag, which features the clown hallucination music from "Homer the Clown"
- "Gimbels is gone, Marge. Loooooong gone. You're Gimbels."
- Marge forgetting Agnes's name.
Agnes: Oh my name's Agnes, and you know it's Agnes! It means lamb! Lamb of God!
- Everyone using Marge's pretzels to pelt Whitey Ford (and Homer wanting Marge to rename her pretzels "Whitey Whackers")
- This gag made the participants on the commentary track laugh hard, and it's not hard to see why: In one cut, Whitey is pleading to the crowd, then it cuts to the sportscasters, and when it cuts back to Whitey, he's already knocked out and lying on the ground while being pelted with pretzels.
- Marge delivering some pretzels to Springfield Elementary, she's greeted by a dishevelled and nervous Skinner.
Marge: Are you sure the kids will get enough nutrition from these pretzels?Skinner: (in a monotone) Yes, I am sure. Sure as sure can be. (holds up a hand to give Marge her payment, but it's bandaged)Marge: Oh my god, what happened to your arm?Thug in shadows: It was a boating accident.Skinner: I believe it was a "boaking" accident.(the thug draws a gun on Skinner)Skinner: I have to go now.
- The episode ends with a mob war raging on the family's front lawn, complete with a Yakuza member getting chucked in through their kitchen window: "Forgiveness, please!"
165 - Mountain of Madness
- Mr. Burns decides to hold a plant fire drill. The entire scene has several highlights, but this was the best.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, what's a good time for a plant evacuation?Smithers: 45 seconds.Mr. Burns: And how long has it been?Smithers: I don't know sir. This stopwatch won't go past 15 minutes.
Homer: I think I won, Mr. Burns!Mr. Burns: (as ominous music plays) Oh, you won alright. Won more than you bargained for.Homer: Woohoo!
- Keep in mind that not one person has gotten out yet.
- Then Homer gets out first, and barricades the rest in by blocking the door.
- Bart at the dinner table:
Homer: So Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
Bart: Teamwork is overrated.
Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows?
Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
- When the teams are being chosen for the mountain hike:
Smithers: Lenny and Carl.
Carl: Aw, nuts! (realizes Lenny heard him) I mean, um... Aw, nuts.
- When Smithers protests Mr. Burns and Homer have been paired together:
Smithers: Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.
Burns: Yes. Well, frankly, you've been a bit of a pill lately.
Smithers: Why do we always fight on vacation?
- Later, as Homer and Mr. Burns are trapped inside the snowed-in cabin:
Mr. Burns: I'll kill you, you bloated museum of treachery!
Homer: You and What Army?? (he imagines Nazi snowmen behind Mr. Burns and shrieks) Stand back! I have powers! Uh, political powers!
(Mr. Burns imagines political figures including Mahatma Gandhi and Abraham Lincoln)
Imaginary Lincoln: (swinging a chain) IIIIIIIT'S SHOWTIME!
- As a result of being left without a partner for the activity, Smithers swears that if Burns was with him, he'd kick him right in his "bony old behind". His statement of "bony old behind" echoes across the mountains and Burns hears it, assumes Homer said it, and thanks him for pointing out that he was watching his figure.
- Bart and Lisa repeatedly pestering Smithers.
Lisa: Mr. Smithers! Mr. Smithers! That moose is on fire!
Lisa: Mister Smithers, I found another hurt shrew! I think this one has a twisted ankle!Mr. Smithers: Twisted... aren't there any healthy animals in this forest?
- Before that:
- The display of Smokey the Bear.
Smokey: Only who can prevent forest fires?
[Bart selects "you"]
Smokey: You pressed "you," referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you!
[Bart kicks Smokey]
- Marge and a park ranger take a ski lift to find the kids.
Ranger: I won't lie to you. Our chances of finding your children are slim to nil.
Lisa: Hi, mom!
[Bart, Lisa, and Smithers wave at Marge]
Marge: There they are! Let me down here.
Ranger: Sorry. There's no way off till we get to the top, and even then it's sort of tricky.
Marge: All right, kids, we'll meet you at the top! Just be careful!
Ranger: Uh, actually, I'm a little more concerned about us. [a support beam for the lift chair snaps in half] Um, do you know how to weld?
- The Ranger's introduction, when Marge tries to console Bart and Lisa about being left out of the competition.
Marge: Don't worry kids, this is a national park. We can have lots of fun.
Ranger: I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to remove anything the least bit entertaining. (awkward pause) Well, so long.
- The ranger asks where Ranger McFadden is:
Drunk: Well, I was just happy to see so many nice people.
Ranger: Quiet, you drunk. Where's Ranger McFadden?
McFadden: Right here, sir, right behind the drunk.
- The ranger takes a moment to humor the children:
Ranger: (to Bart and Lisa) Kids, your father's gonna be just fine!.... (to everyone else) okay people, put on your corpse-handling gloves. We've got two frozen bodies buried somewhere in this mountain.Bart: (turns to Lisa) Y'hear that, Lis? Dad's gonna be just fine.
166 - Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious
- The entire episode is just one long parody of Mary Poppins.
- The Krusty Komedy Klassic. It's not a good idea to have a comedy special at the Apollo Theater when your special's initials are "KKK" and said initials are in white -- and appear behind you onstage.
- At the end of Shary Bobbins' bedtime song, "A Boozehound Named Barney":
Shary: And so, let us leave, on this heartwarming scene...Bart: Can I be a boozehound?Homer: Not 'til you're 15.
- If you cut every corner there'll be more time for play, it's the American way!
- Bart's method of cutting costs.
Bart: And I'll take up smoking and give that up!Homer: Good for you, son. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Have a dollar.Lisa: But he didn't DO anything!Homer: Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he? Hey, wait a minute, HE DIDN'T! (Homer snatches the dollar out of Bart's hands)
- Kearney muttering, "You're telling me, ya blue-haired witch" after Marge rejects him.
- Marge imagining herself with Homer's "combover" (the two strands and zigzag line that Homer has left of his hair).
- "I've been singing you songs all day. I'm not a bloody jukebox!"
- Apparently Shary Bobbins and Groundskeeper Willie used to date and were engaged. It didn't last
Willie Shary Bobbins and I were engaged back in the old country. Then she got her eyesight back. Suddenly the ugliest man in Glasgow wasn't good enough for her!Shary It's good to see you WillieWillie (angrily) That's not what ya said when the first time you saw me!
- The ending:
Lisa: (as the family is watching Shary fly away) Will we ever see Shary Bobbins again, Dad?Homer: I'm sure we will, honey.Homer: I'm sure we will.
- As Homer and Marge are looking for a nanny:
Old Lady: Hello, I'm Mrs. Pennyfeather. I understand you are looking for a nanny.Marge: Pleased to meet you.Homer: Wait a minute, Marge. I saw Mrs. Doubtfire. THIS IS A MAN IN DRAG![starts pulling at her hair as if it were a wig, then chases her away]Marge: Homer, if you're going to do that to every applicant, we're never going to find one.Homer: Sorry.Another Old Lady: Hello, I'm Mrs. Periwinkle.[Homer screams with rage and chases after her]
167 - The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show
- The Itchy & Scratchy writers seemed to have taken Homer's suggestion to not kill Poochie off to heart....or have they?
Itchy: Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?Poochie: Yes, I certainly do! (his voice changes to Roger Meyers, Jr.) I have to go now. My planet needs me.(The cel with Poochie on it is crudely moved upwards, as it then cuts to a title card reading, "Note: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet.)Bart: Wow, Poochie came from another planet?Lisa: I guess.
- Krusty's argument with Roger Myers Jr.
Roger: Hey, Krusty, you look great. You get your teeth bleached?
Krusty: Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment... HEY, SHUT UP! You're here 'cause your Itchy & Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings!
[points to a ratings chart]
Krusty: Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show!
Roger: What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter?
Krusty: See, that what I thought at first, but then... HEY, SHUT UP! That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison!
Roger: But Itchy & Scratchy is critically acclaimed.
Krusty: ACCLAIMED? PAH! I ought to replace it right now with a Chinese cartoon where robots turn into blingwads! But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger. So I'm gonna give you one more chance. Now get out! Don't come back till you've fixed Itchy & Scratchy.
[Roger Myers Jr. slams the door so hard it breaks off, showing Sideshow Mel in the waiting room]
Krusty's Secretary: [off-screen] Okay, Mel, you can go in now.
Sideshow Mel: [walks into Krusty's office] Krusty, I've come to solicit donations for the Rock 'n' Roll Museum, and...
[Krusty still has an angry face from his argument with Roger Myers Jr.]
Sideshow Mel: I'll come back later.
- The focus group scene, from Bart and Lisa nonchalantly agreeing to go with a man at the mall, to Ralph eating his knob ("My knob tastes funny." "Please refrain from tasting the knob!"), to Nelson repeatedly setting Milhouse's knob to "like" at the sight of a muscular man in a speedo ("One kid seems to love the speedo man.")
Focus Group Guy: Now, how many of you want to see Itchy and Scratchy face real life problems, like the ones you face every day?Kids: Me! Me! I would!Focus Group Guy: And how many of you would like to see just the opposite? Getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers?Kids: Me! Me! I would!Focus Group Guy: So...you want a realistic down-to-Earth show...that's completely off the wall...and swarming with magic robots?Kids: Yeah, that sounds good.Milhouse: And also, you should win things by watching!
- The Leaning on the Fourth Wall gags with Roy.
- At the family's viewing party:
Jasper: Is this seat taken, little girl?Bart: I'm not a girl! Are you blind?Jasper: [dejected] Yes.
- The family's reaction to Homer asking them what they thought about Poochie.
Lisa: Mom, can we go to bed without dinner?Marge: Yes we can.(they run upstairs, leaving Homer alone)Homer: At least I liked it, didn't I?Homer's Brain: Oh, you don't wanna know how I really feel. Now look sad, and say "d'oh".Homer: D'oh.
168 - Homer's Phobia
- Homer, in a desperate attempt to either scare his son straight or show him what it means to be a real man's man, takes his son to a tour of a steel mill. But then it falls apart when the steel mill is staffed by every Hard Gay and Camp Gay stereotype, both of which are cranked Up to Eleven.
- "Stand still, there's a spark in your hair!" "Oh get it get it get iiiiit!"
- "Hot stuff comin' through!"
Bart: Dad...why did you bring me to a gay steel mill'?Homer: (breaking down sobbing) I don't know! This is a nightmare! (to the gay workers): You're all sick!Random Mill Worker: Oh, be nice.Homer: Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay! (break whistle blows): Oh my God, what's happening now?Foreman: We work hard, We play hard.(The steel mill then turns into a stereotypical gay nightclub, complete with smoke machines, flashing lights, and man dancing in front of a slow-moving fan while his and the fan's shadows are cast all about.)
- Earlier, he makes him sit in front of a huge billboard ad for cigarettes showing two sexy girls pillow fighting:
Homer: Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel?Bart: I don't know. I kind of want a cigarette.
- This line.
Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals FUH-LAMING!
- Marge tries to delicately break it to Homer that John is gay, but he keeps missing her hints.
Marge: He enjoys the company of men!
Homer: Who doesn't?
- The car ride as Homer, Bart, Moe, and Barney go hunting.
Barney: Today you're gonna be a man, Bart.Bart: You gonna teach me to drive?Moe: [sotto, to Barney] Oh, yeah. Let a twinkle-toes drive Betsy. Right.Homer: Hehe. No, boy. You can't drive. You're only ten. You're going hunting.Moe: You ever been huntin' before there, Barty?Bart: No. Something about a bunch of guys alone together in the woods. Seems kinda gay.[uncomfortable silence]Homer: That is a very immature attitude, young man!
- And later when they fail to hunt anything.
Barney: Aw, we shoulda just stayed at the bar and shot some rats.Moe: Hey, those ain't your rats, Barn!
169 - Brother from Another Series
- Lisa believing that stopping Cecil, Sideshow Bob's brother, cannot be done.
Lisa: Oh, it's hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless.Sideshow Bob: Oh, I see. When it's one of my evil schemes, you can't foil it fast enough, but when Cecil tries to kill you, it's "hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless!"
- Helped by Lisa's exasperated "Is this really the time for this?" look as Bob whines all of this.
- This moment after Cecil's plan failed.
Chief Wiggum: Well that's some good work, Lou. You'll make Sergeant for this.Lou: Uh... I already am Sergeant, Chief.Chief Wiggum: Perhaps you are - But I say Bob goes back to jail!Sideshow Bob: But surely... I mean— I caught Cecil!?Chief Wiggum: Maybe so. But Lou here says you were resisting arrest.Lou: No, I didn't, Chief.Chief Wiggum: Quiet, Lou - or I will bust you down to Sergeant so fast, it'll make your head spin!
- Homer finding Ralph Wiggum on his lawn (still in bed) after the water from the broken dam crashes through the town (and surprisingly causes no damage) and Ralph whines, "I think I wet my bed!"
- This beauty of a Shout-Out:
Bart: Guess who?
- Anything with Bob and Cecil.
Bob: You do know I used to have a- [clears throat] problem with trying to kill people?
Cecil: Goodness, I had no idea. For, you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade, in a cave, with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.
Bob: Hm. Touché, Cecil.
- Bart is convinced that Bob is still evil, and after he's released, wonders what terrible things Bob must be thinking. Cut to a close-up of Bob accompanied by his sinister theme music:
Bob: (thinking) I hope they still make that shampoo I like.
- Bob and Cecil are talking about Bob's role on the dam project. After Cecil explains that Bob will be leading the construction crew, Bob asks if he'll be asked to lead the stereotypical catcalling. In a completely deadpan tone:
Bob: And I suppose it will be my job to lead the hooting. (mockingly)"Oh, yeah! Shake it, madam! Capital knockers!"
- Just before that, Cecil explains his plans for the Springfield dam. Bob's reply?
Bob: Just the thought of all that raw, surging power makes me wonder why the hell I should care.
- Bob spies Bart across the river and waves to him, causing Bart to hide behind a bush. Bob explains that Bart's "just shy from all the times I've tried to kill him". Cecil's nonplussed "Ah," makes it funny.
- Bob and Cecil's Sissy Fight for top bunk of their cell for the final gag, followed by:
Cecil: So, when do they give out the menus?
170 - My Sister, My Sitter
- Though a very polarized episode (with more people hating it because of Bart being a Jerkass and the fact that there's no way in hell an eight-year-old would be allowed to babysit if this show followed reality), there is one genuinely funny part: Chief Wiggum confusing a Bob Saget live comedy special for a Bob Seger concert.
- The world's first two-story outhouse.
"OH GOD, STOP!"
- At Dr. Nicks, Snake checking himself in after claiming he fell onto a bullet, and that it got lodged into his gut. The receptionist ticks off 'Liquor store robbery' on a checklist of reasons why people are checking themselves in.
Comic Book Guy: Oooooh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
- The actual list contains the following options: Unusual Sex Practice, Looter's Hernia, Mexican Stand-Off, Prison Tunnel Syndrome, Armed Homeowner, John Gotti's Disease, Allergic Reaction (Mace, Pepper Spray, Bullets) and Liquor Store Robbery.
- Hell everything about Dr. Nick's in this episode is brilliant. His phone book ad that actually says "As Good As Dr. Hibbert," and the motto outside his office "We stitch and don't snitch." And the wheelbarrow line in his office that has Moe with a drunken Barney, a lab monkey with a burnt up Professor Frink and a waiter with a bloated Comic Book Guy.
- When Bart calls a number of people to the house the second last is a government official that results in this hilarious moment;
G-Man: We got a report that a Lisa Simpson spotted a UFO.Lisa: I didn't see any UFO!G-Man: That's right Miss. You. Didn't.[He gestures in the negative to a scientist a few feet away with a syringe.]
171 - Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment
- When Prohibition is declared in Springfield, Homer comes up with a surprisingly clever workaround. He garners a large amount of money, which impresses Marge. Naturally, Lisa calls Homer out for his actions. The response that she gets is a simultaneous "Go to Your Room, Lisa!" from Homer, Marge, and Bart, complete with pointing upstairs.
- Rex Banner looks over Springfield, determined to stop the alcohol bootlegging.
Rex Banner: You're out there somewhere Beer Baron. And I'll find you.Homer: (faint shout from across the town) No you won't!Rex Banner: Yes I will!Homer: (faint again) ... Won't!
- Homer runs out of liquor and decides to brew his own.
Marge: What on earth happened down there?Homer: Uh, nothing, Marge. I think it must have been that bean I had for dinner!Homer: Kamboom! Blam! Oh, excuse me again, dear.Marge: Homer, there's no point in pretending you're making those noises. Your homemade liquor is exploding again.Homer: What's that, dear? Kablamo!Marge: You made a little money, and had the fun of being a wanted criminal; why not give it up, while you're ahead?Homer: Boom.
- Then Homer goes downstairs and there's another explosion. A few seconds later he runs outside on fire, rolls around screaming until the fire is out, then stands up and calmly says "I've thought about what you said, honey, and I've decided to quit."
- Homer's toast after the Prohibition law was repealed (which, in a lot of funny and sad cases, is Truth in Television).
Homer: To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems!
- When Rex Banner unwittingly steps onto the catapult, Wiggum gives the word to launch him. What really sells it is Quimby's perfectly deadpan response:
Quimby: That was unexpected.
- The scene where Helen Lovejoy and a group of women come into Moe's after the prohibition law has been put into effect has this gem
Chief Wiggum: Better put on the old Wiggum charm! *he starts to walk towards the group of women, moving and humming like he's had a few drinks beforehand*Helen Lovejoy: *Gasps, then shrieks* PERVERT!!!!!!Chief Wiggum: Oh boy, that sounded bad...
- Mayor Quimby's response to the angry women of Springfield.
Helen Lovejoy: We demand prohibition!Quimby: Demand? Who are you to demand anything? I run this town! You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies!Aide: (leans in and whispers) Uh, election in November, election in November.Quimby: WHAT? Again?! This stupid country...
172 - Grade School Confidential
- This gag that further proves that Krusty is illiterate (or, at the very least, semi-literate):
Maude Flanders: We're talking about S-E-X! In front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!Krusty: Sex Cauldron?! I thought they shut that place down!
- Principal Skinner and Edna Krabappel request to tell the town their side of the story.
Chalmers: Oh, yeah, that'll be real productive. Who do you want to talk to first? The guy with a bumblebee suit or the one with a bone through his hair?Mel: My opinions are as valid as the next man's!
- Principal Skinner reluctantly tells the townspeople that he's a virgin.
Nelson: Ha-ha!Homer: Hey, does this mean that Mrs. Krabappel is a virgin, too?Edna: Ha!
- Principal Skinner hearing Bart talking about the incident that Bart saw at Martin's party after all the guests left:
Bart: You are never going to guess what I saw at Martin's party after you guys left. You know that playhouse? Well, I...Skinner: (overhears Bart) Good gravy!Cafeteria worker: Oh, thank you. It's just brown and water.
- The kids getting sick at Martin's party, including Nelson getting a stomach ache after punching Martin in the stomach, Bart feeding his oysters to the cat, and Lisa telling Bart that she faked food poisoning (since she's a vegetariannote ) just so she can leave.
- The scene where they try to talk Skinner and Edna into leaving the school.
Chalmers: [into megaphone] Skinner, get off of my school!Skinner: No! You get off of my school!Marge: Homer, Bart's up there!Homer: [takes megaphone from Chalmers] Gimme that! [into megaphone] BART! This is your father! Do you know... where the remote is? I looked all over the house.Bart: Did you check your pocket?Homer: [finds remote, then speaks to Marge through the megaphone] It was... [lowers megaphone] ...it was in my pocket.
- Chief Wiggum tries reverse psychology to get Skinner and Edna to leave the school.
Chief Wiggum: Fine. Stay in the school. We don't want you to come out.Bart: You got it.Chief Wiggum: Damn.
173 - The Canine Mutiny
- The cops having a pot party after the blind man claims that his marijuana was medically prescribed to him for his eyesight.
- "Yeah, medicinal! Without it, I could go even... blinder, right?"
- This exchange:
Groundskeeper Willie: I bought your mutt, and I 'ate him! (Begins to eat a leg of meat)Bart: (horrified) You ate him?Groundskeeper Willie: Aye. I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I 'ate the way he's always barking! So I sent him to church.Bart: (relieved) Oh, you hated him, so you sent him to church!Groundskeeper Willie: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on the rug. (Bart stares at him in confusion) You heard me!
174 - The Old Man and the Lisa
- Mr. Burns is the guest speaker at Lisa's "Junior Achievers" club:
Lisa: Does your plant have a recycling program?Mr. Burns: (confused) "Re-cy-cling"? (He turns his mental dictionary to "R", and searches but doesn't find "recycle" anywhere)'' I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin.Lisa: You never heard of recycling? It means to reuse things to conserve our natural resources.Mr. Burns: Ooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing? Well, I say "hard cheese"!
- Later, the bankrupt Mr. Burns has to sell his house to Bret "The Hitman" Hart:
Real Estate Agent: And, I'm sure a pro-wrestler such as yourself will appreciate all the closet space, Hitman.Bret Hart: (sniffs) Eww! This place has got old-man stink!Smithers: (to Mr. Burns) Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.
- Mr. Burns goes grocery shopping. Hilarity Ensues.
175 - In Marge We Trust
- The "Mr. Sparkle" commercial.
Bart: There's your answer, fishbulb.
- Flanders' incessant calls about his alleged sins being the reason why Reverend Lovejoy has stopped caring about helping others.
- Homer's line, "Now that's religion!" after Reverend Lovejoy recounts his fight with the monkeys at the zoo.
176 - Homer's Enemy
- When Homer races home to work on the contest, Frank watches him and laughs, until Homer backs into his car.
- Bart finds out the factory collapsed when Milhouse was there.
Bart: Milhouse! You were supposed to be the night watchman!Milhouse: I was watching. First it started falling over — then it fell over.Bart: Wow... I wonder where all the rats are gonna go.[The rats are seen running out of the debris pile, across the street, and into Moe's Tavern.]Moe: [from inside] Okay, everybody tuck your pants into your socks!
- Though considered offensive by some, Frank Grimes' mental breakdown and death is considered funny and well-deserved by those who think Frank Grimes was too mean to Homer.
177 - The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase
- "Look, Big Daddy! It's regular daddy."
- The end showing all the crazy plots for future episodes (most of which have come true in some capacity), and the newer episodes allegedly featuring a tiny, green space alien named Ozmodiar that only Homer can seenote .
178 - The Secret War of Lisa Simpson
- Bart puts 15 megaphones end-to-end, making the amplification louder, and says "TESTING!". The result is a sonic feedback loop so huge, it sends a shockwave throughout all of Springfield, breaking every window in the process and even Homer's Duff beer bottles.
- Homer orders Bart to go to the garage instead of his (Bart's) bedroom as punishmet. Then Bart is seen using the riding lawn mower. And soon after he's being chased by cop cars.
- Bart nails all of his targets during his artillery practice — and misses one. Turns out he did hit his target: Principal Skinner's car just as Seymour was about to get in it.
Nelson: [from a school window] Ha-ha!
- There's also the fact that while everyone else at the shooting range was using single-shot rifles, the instructor assumed that because Bart had attended public school he would have proficiency in small arms, so he moved him up to something a little more advanced - a grenade launcher.