- Homer doesn't want to tell the Insurance Officer what Moe's Tavern really is.
Insurance Officer: Now this place, Moe's, you left before the accident, this is some kind of business?
Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar. [gasp] But what else is open at night?
Homer's Brain: Heh, heh. I would've never thought of that.
- The wind blows off Barney's diaper (leaving him naked), and he runs after it.
- Every moment with Adam West.
Adam West: I never needed plastic molding to improve my physique. [taps chest] Pure West. And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi? [He begins dancing and grunting rhythmically while a disturbed Homer, Bart, and Lisa back away slowly.]
- During Homer's commercial, Bart asks Homer if his service is legal.
Homer: [smiling] My prices are so low, you'll think I've suffered brain damage!
Bart: You are fully licensed and bonded by the city, aren't you Mr. Plow?
Homer: [stops smiling, talks out of the corner of his mouth] Shut up, boy.
[Homer growls angrily at Bart as they watch the commercial on TV]
Homer: So, [cue jingle] ♪ Call Mr. Plow. That's my name. That name again is Mr. Plow. ♪
- Homer talks to a female customer about shoving snow off her driveway.
Woman: Could you make sure not to scrape my asphalt?
Homer: [muttering] Kiss my asphalt...
- Homer reassures Marge his plow truck will be safe as he goes to rescue Barney.
Homer: Don't worry, this baby's as surefooted as a mountain goat. [Cut to nearby mountain goat, which slips off a cliff repeatedly.]
- Homer has a hair-raising trip across a rickety wooden bridge, during which he sees a full, stable suspension bridge a short distance away that he could have used and says, "D'oh!".
- Homer rescues Barney from the snowy mountain and apologizes for tricking him. They agree to be partners.
God: Oh no? [the snow instantly melts]
- The COPS opening features a suicidal man choosing to hurl himself off a building rather than come to Chief Wiggum, Chief Wiggum, Eddie, and Lou shooting at a mummy with Chief Wiggum throwing his gun, and these lyrics to the song.
♪ Springfield's cops are on the take
But what do you expect with the money we make
Whether in a car or on a horse
We don't mind using excessive force ♪
- Homer: I can't wait until they throw his hatless butt in jail!
- A mechanic tries to warn Homer about his heart, then has a brief conversation with a boy named Billy.
Billy: Where's he going?
Mechanic: You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix?
Billy: We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikopopolous?!
Mechanic: You're a dull boy, Billy.
- Homer comes out of his second heart attack and tells Dr. Hibbert that he was in a "wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone, and there were all these guys in red pajamas sticking pitchforks in my butt."
- Dr. Nick: Call 1-800-D.O.C.T.O.R.B! The "B" is for Bargain!
- This Dr. Nick bit:
P.A. System: Dr. Nick Riviera, paging Dr. Nick Riviera. Please report to the coroner's office immediately.
Dr. Nick: The coroner?! I'm so sick of that guy.
- Dr. Nick Riviera informs Homer about the surgery, then leaves the hospital room.
Dr. Nick: OK, see you in the operating place. [Reporters are outside the door; One asks "Where are the bodies?"] It's such a nice day. I think I'll go out the window. [Jumps out the window]
- Dr. Nick watches a video on how to perform a triple bypass, shortly before he has to perform that surgery on Homer: "Oh no, blood!"
- The operation video is interrupted by a talk show called People Who Look Like Things.
Pumpkin-Head Guy: All we ask is that we get treated with dignity.
Host: And a new candle every now and then?
Pumpkin-Head Guy: Yes, and a new can- NO!
- Dr. Nick talks to the O.R. team before Homer's surgery.
Dr. Nick: Now remember, if something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved. You know what they say: "One hand washes the other." Oh, that reminds me... [washes hands]
- As Homer is falling asleep from the anesthetic, Dr. Nick can't identify something.
Dr. Nick: What the hell is that?
- A defining moment for Apu:
Apu: Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?
Customer: Gimme some jerky.
Apu: Would you like some vodka with that?
Customer: Oh, what the hell, sure!
- As he does the surgery, Dr. Nick does an improvisational song to the well-known spiritual song called "Dem Bones".
♪ The kneebone's connected to the something
; the something's connected to the red thing
; the red thing's connected to my wristwatch
- After Dr. Nick successfully operates on Homer, he encounters a former patient.
Mr. McGreg: Dr. Nick Riviera. Remember me?
Dr. Nick: Well if it isn't my old friend Mr. McGreg! With a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg!
- Homer has a Flintstones theme song spoof on his way home from work.
- Mr. Burns and Smithers haul away a barrel of nuclear waste that was sealed up by Lenny and Carl.
Smithers: Well sir, where shall we dump this batch? The playground?
Mr. Burns: No, all those bald children are arousing suspicion. [enthusiastically] To the park!
[The scene cuts to the city park at night; Mr. Burns and Smithers are heard straining and grunting as they stuff the barrel of nuclear waste into a tree.]
Smithers: I think it's full, sir.
Mr. Burns: That's ridiculous! The last tree held 9 drums.
- Marge notices that many Springfield citizens showed up for the City Hall meeting on how to spend Mr. Burns' fine of $3,000,000. Then there's a cut to many criminals robbing the homes of people who aren't there.
Snake: [carrying a TV] Could this town be any stupider?
- Mayor Quimby wants to follow standard procedure at the City Hall meeting, but some people are impatient.
Mayor Quimby: Order, [bangs gavel] please rise for the uh, "Pledge of Allegiance".
Homer: Get to the money!
Mayor Quimby: In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.
Apu: Get to the money!
Rev. Lovejoy: Get to the money!
Abe: Get to the moneeeeeey!
- Apu gives his suggestion for what to do with the $3,000,000.
Apu: Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot 8 times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.
Chief Wiggum: [deadpan] Crybaby.
- As Marge describes the condition of Main Street in Springfield, there's a flashback to Homer driving his car down the road with chains wrapped around the tires and a piano tied to the roof of his car. The weight causes chunks of the road's concrete to break off and scatter in different directions.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Look at that pavement fly!
- Grampa Abe doesn't think Main Street should be repaired, but the people in the crowd misunderstand him.
Abe: Now hold on just one minute. Sure, we could fix up Main Street. We could put all our eggs in one basket. [crowd cheers] SHUT UP! I wasn't done yet. I'm just sayin', we could blow all our money on a stupid little street, but... [crowd cheers again and lifts him up] Ohhh. Oh, I ain't fer it, I'm agin' it.
- The last few lines of "The Monorail Song" go like this.
Marge: ♪ But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!
Everyone except Marge: Monorail! / Monorail! / Monorail! ♪ MONORAIL!
Homer: ♪ Mono... ♪ D'OH!!!
- The trailer for "Truckasaurus: The Movie".
Coming soon, it's "Truckasaurus: The Movie
", starring Marlon Brando
as the voice of John Truckasaurus.
John Truckasaurus: You crazy car, I dunno whether to eat you or kiss you.
Celebrity voice impersonated.
- Homer sees a TV ad for Lyle Lanely's monorail school and tells Marge.
Homer: Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor.
Marge: Homer, no.
Homer: It's my lifelong dream!
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game. And you did it last year, remember? [Marge points to a framed sports page, with a picture of Homer running onto a baseball field in the middle of a game, with the headline, "Idiot Ruins Game/Springfield Forfeits Pennant"].
Homer: Oh yeah.
- Bart is proud of his dad's decision to become a monorail conductor and hopes he can follow in his footsteps (metaphorically).
Homer: Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you "Ho-Ju"!
Bart: ...I'll get back to you.
- Homer and Bart watch Barney Gumble instruct a crane operator to put the monorail engine on to the monorail.
Barney: Come on, keep it comin'! Over, over! Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. [turns and waves] Hi, Homer! [The crane drops the monorail engine over a house, crushing it entirely.] [moans] Ohh, I hate that sound.
- Lyle Lanley instructs the people who all want to be the monorail conductor.
Lanley: So then, mono means "one" and rail means "rail". And that concludes our intensive 3 week course.
Otto: Hey wait, man! Who gets to be conductor?
Lanley: Oh right, that. Well I've been monitoring your progress closely, [he looks in a book with a picture of himself driving to Tahiti with lots of money] but this gentleman here clearly stands out above the rest. [Does general arm sweep across room and gets ready to leave.]
Homer: Who, me?
Lanley: Yeah, sure.
- Homer: "I call the big one Bitey!"
- At the grand opening ceremony for the Springfield monorail, Mayor Quimby says a quote from the wrong science fiction franchise to Leonard Nimoy.
Mayor Quimby: And let me say, "May the force be with you!"
Leonard: [annoyed] Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?
- As the monorail departs from the station, Marge returns from North Haverbrook with Sebastian Cobb. Cobb's hair looks different than it did earlier.
Marge: WE'RE TOO LATE!
Sebastian: I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut. Sorry.
- On the out-of-control monorail, Leonard Nimoy notices the moon moving in front of the sun.
Leonard: A solar eclipse: the cosmic ballet goes on.
Man sitting next to Leonard: Anybody want to switch seats?
- The monorail is going haywire and Krusty doesn't want to be on it anymore.
Krusty: KRUSTY WANTS OUT!!! [attempts to jump out of the runaway monorail]
Leonard: No! [saves him] The world needs laughter.
- Marge uses a radio to inform Homer about Sebastian Cobb (who helped Mr. Lanley create the defective monorail in North Haverbrook).
Marge: Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you!
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist!
Marge: It's not Batman!
- Homer has to find a anchor to stop the monorail. He looks at Bart and pictures him as a anchor.''
Bart: Think harder, Homer.
- The Springfield Monorail is stopped, so Leonard Nimoy leaves.
Leonard: Well, my work here is done.
Barney: Whaddaya mean, "Your work is done"? You didn't do anything!
Leonard: Heh, heh. Didn't I? [beams away]
- The ending.
Marge: [narrating] And that was the only folly the people of Springfield embarked upon. Except for the popsicle stick skyscraper. And the 50 foot magnifying glass. And that escalator to nowhere.
- Homer has a conversation with his brain in the kitchen.
Homer: Well, time to go to work.
Homer's Brain: Little do they know I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.
Homer: Roll in at 9, punch out at 5, that's the plan.
Homer's Brain: Heh, heh, heh. They don't suspect a thing. [camera pans down to Homer's mouth, but he doesn't say anything] Well, off to the plant.
Homer: Then to the Duff Brewery.
Homer's Brain: Uh, oh. Did I say that or just think it?
Homer: I've got to think of a lie fast!
Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
Homer: AAAAH! [he runs out the front door, gets in his car, and drives away]
- As Homer is making his dramatic escape from the plant, he encounters a gigantic spider.
Homer: [reading off a scroll] "To overcome the Spider's Curse, simple quote a Bible verse!"? Uh, thou shalt not... oh! [he throws a rock at the spider, knocking it out senseless]
- Homer throws himself out the window after Reverend Lovejoy tells him that, with Alc-Anon's help, he'll never have a beer again.
- Homer confesses that he was so desperate for a beer he snuck into a stadium after a football game so he could eat the dirt under the bleachers. This prompts a horrified Rev. Lovejoy to kick him out of Alc-Anon.
- Homer sees Ralph Wiggum's science fair project and has his own vision of an alcohol-fueled car.
Homer: [puts the fuel nozzle in the car] One for you. [removes it] One for me. [inserts the nozzle into his mouth, takes a drink of "GASOHOL", and puts it back in the car] One for you. [removes it again] One for me. [sticks the nozzle in his mouth a second time and drinks some more]
- The name of the dentist's office: Painless Dentistry, formerly Painful Dentistry.
- The entire scene with "The Big Book of British Smiles".
- Homer points out a scar on his head, which he claims to have gotten from a labor strike at the plant years ago. There's a flashback to said strike, with Homer's colleagues all shouting for this noble cause (equitable treatment from management). Instead of doing the same thing, Homer is at the empty snack van, periodically smacking the counter with his fist.
Homer: [yelling] WHERE'S MY BURRITO?! WHERE'S MY BURRITO?! WHERE'S MY BURRITO?! [The awning falls down and crushes his head.] OWWW!
- Homer: Hired goons?
- After Marge explains to Homer that his co-workers' niceness is really them picking on him, an upset Homer claims that "first thing tomorrow morning, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head!" Guess what happens in the next scene...
- "You can't treat the working man this way! Someday, we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, get corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!"
- Mr. Burns reads a page from one of his many typing monkeys.
Mr. Burns: [reading] "It was the best of times. It was the blurst of times!" You stupid monkey!
- Mr. Burns ends the tour of his home:
Mr. Burns: And here's my basement.
Homer: It isn't as impressive as the rest of your house.
Mr. Burns: Yes, I really should stop ending the tour with it.
- Homer runs off to the bathroom in Mr. Burns' mansion ("23rd door on the left.")
Mr. Burns: Find the bathroom all right?
Homer: [eyes shifting slightly] Uhhhh...yeah.
- Homer mistakes Mr. Burns's negotiation tactics for coming onto him.
Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer: [thinking] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer: [thinking] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer: [thinking] My God! He is coming onto me!
Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.
Homer: [thinking] Aaaaaagh! [aloud] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans! Sure I'm flattered; maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no!
- "Where was I? Oh yeah, the important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time..."
- Mr. Burns agrees to the labor union's demands. Then Homer celebrates in a weird manner.
Mr. Burns: All right, Homer. You can have the dental plan, but you must resign as head of the union.
Homer: WOO-HOO! [gets on the floor and spins around in circles on his left shoulder] WHOO woo-woo-woo-woo woop-woop-woop!
Mr. Burns: Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.
Homer: [still spinning] WHOO woo-woo-woo woop-woop-woop! WHOO woo-woo-woo woop-woop-woop! WHOO woo-woo-woo woop-woop-woop!
- Krusty insists on not mentioning his Jewish heritage on the air (despite that he introduced the audience to his rabbi father in "Like Father, Like Klown").
Lisa: It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.
Homer: Marge, it happened again!
[Homer walks in with a plunger stuck to his head. He tries to pull it loose, but the handle comes off and he exits.]
Bart: What are you gonna change your name to when you grow up?
Lisa: Lois Sanborn.
Bart: Steve Bennett.
- Homer and Marge get ready to go to their Springfield High School reunion.
Homer: It'll be great to see the old gang: Potsie, Ralph Malph, the Fonz.
Homer: No, they weren't all happy days, like the time Pinky Tuscadaro crashed her motorcycle, or the time I lost all my money to those card sharks and my dad Tom Bosley had to get it back.
- "Homer's not here, man!"
- Homer didn't graduate as Marge thought, so he tells her the truth and completes the course he had not passed. The following conversation takes place as Homer gets his final exam.
Principal Dondelinger: This is your exam. It's a series of questions, answered True or False.
Principal Dondelinger: Eh, I was just describing the test, Homer.
Principal Dondelinger: Look, Homer, just do the test, and you'll be fine.
- Immediately after that, Homer discusses with his brain again.
Homer: All right, brain, you don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this so I can go back to killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal.
- Grampa Abe "checks" his underwear so he can tell Bart and Lisa his first name.
Lisa: Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?
Abe: I... don't... know!
- Grampa Abe dreams of being "Queen of the Old West".
- Roger Myers giving a tour to Bart and Lisa:
Roger Meyers, Jr.: Are you coming?
Abe: Any stairs?
Roger Meyers, Jr.: Just one.
Abe: Nuts to you! [resumes sleeping]
- When Abe describes to Homer his job of being paid to tell a cat and mouse what to do, Homer has an Imagine Spot of wheel-barrowing his gibbering dad to the nuthouse.
- Due to "The Itchy & Scratchy Show" going to the "Gabbo" show, Krusty shows a cartoon from Eastern Europe called "Worker and Parasite".
Krusty: [standing still dumbfounded and smoking a cigarette] What the hell was that?!
- Krusty begs Sideshow Mel to join him for his comeback (which then turns into a heartwarming moment).
Krusty: Ah, come on. You wanna spend your life hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers?
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, Mister. Whoops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow-w-w! Ow-w-w!
Sideshow Mel: Sorry Krusty, I like it here. Mr. Johansen treats me with dignity.
Mr. Johansen: Is this clown bothering you, Mel?
Sideshow Mel: It's all right, Mr. Johansen, I'll handle it.
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, sir.
Krusty: I don't want it!
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: But this comes out of my salary! If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.
- Mayor Quimby is having a press conference about a money scandal and borrows Gabbo's catchphrase.
- The newspaper immediately following has the headline, "More Bodies Surface in Harbor."
- Bette Midler has a Disproportionate Retribution on highway litterers.
Snake: Oh, no! Bette Midler!
- Old Jewish Man: The old grey mare just ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be...
- And now, The Crazy Old Man dancers...
- Krusty drinks a lot of milkshakes and becomes morbidly obese. Bart and Lisa find out.
Lisa: Krusty, what have you done to yourself?
Krusty: I wanted to get in shape so I've been drinking nothing but milkshakes.
Lisa: You mean those diet milkshakes?
- Krusty dismisses the Red Hot Chili Peppers' performance in their underwear as degrading...minutes before he has to dress up like a little kid from the early 19th century for a sketch. Hypocritical Humor at its finest.
- Luke Perry is shot out of a cannon. He crashes through jars of acid Apu had stacked (for some reason), he can be heard screaming, "My face! My valuable face!" Then Luke lands safely in a pillow factory... only to have it demolished while he's still inside.