Doctor Bannerman's files, specifically the entry on Madame Roget. Most of the entries up until now have been perfectly formal, with little in the way of sarcasm or rudeness; however, after detailing the fact that Roget suffers from deviant sexual fantasies including "an inappropriate doctor-patient relationship," Bannerman's only diagnosis is "Dy-na-mite!"
Kirsten Geary's introduction in the Illuminati prologue; given how serious most of the faction heads have been, it's a bit of a surprise, to say the least:
"I FUCKING LOVE OLD SCHOOL HIP-HOP! DON'T YOU?"
About the end of the Transylvania mission: "This report reads better than Twilight slash fiction."
At the beginning of "Questions and Answers," Geary informs you that you did good work in Kingsmouth, and off-handedly remarks "High-five." Immediately, you raise your hand for the high-five, a big smile on your face. Naturally, she doesn't return it, leaving you to very sheepishly lower your hand.
Taking part in a fun but largely irrelevant side-quest during your ride on the snowmobile will result in you being dubbed "007" by Geary... as part of an intelligence estimate. For good measure, she concludes the email with "GET BACK TO WORK!"
After finishing issue 6, you get a very brief mission in which you have to follow the coordinates to an emissary and receive a reward for your hard work. Finishing this mission results in another gloriously sarcastic email from Geary, summed up as "Congratulations, you know how to go from A to B. I'm so fucking proud of you."
(The Rogue Groundskeeper) I completely approve of both drinking at work and also using it to summon and destroy horrible creatures trapped between life and death. Just be glad it doesn't work everywhere or Jersey would be full of screaming banshees.
(The Organ Smugglers) The only time I've ever woken up in a bathtub was when I made the Sultan of Brunei fill a bathtub with diamonds. I wouldn't recommend it - diamonds are harder than rock salt and they have a way of finding their way into all sorts of cavities. I was nervous in airports for the next 6 months.
(The Lantern Man) I think the Templars still rent out their chained Rakshasa for cosmetic testing. Imagine a room full of those faces made up like Martha Stewart. Great, I'm due for a skin peel later on, and now all I'm going to think about is Martha Stewart.
Her drunk-text in response to completing the new years dungeon:
Bolon Yok,te What? Did you not get the ocpmay-wide memo about the hodliday party/ uGH. i'M ASSming youd did good out there. Which means I didn good. bottoms up!
The Illuminati's highest of high-ups, The Pyramidion. The 'All-Seeing Eye' speaks only half the time in lines of relevant dialogue. The other half alternates between bizarre P.A. announcements (if you're in The Labyrinth) or context-relevant memes... like a boss.
I didn't expect you to pull through that one. Who's awesome? You're awesome. Who is not awesome is whoever leaked the details of this deal to the Templars. He will never have a girlfriend.
This place used to be on our list of exotic weekend getaways for the Friday raffle, until Venice decided to shut it all down. In their defense, that was after one hundred and thirty-two accidental deaths, and some mad wizard who tried to use the power of Shambala to get back at his ex-girlfriend and also reduce most of Western Europe to cinders. Bad breakup.
Dame Julia Beatrix Tyburn. This old lady is funny as hell. Talking with you in a mix of uptightness and rambling. No wonder she became a Ensemble Darkhorse.
Halfway into "Dawning of an Endless Night," you're searching for information on Beaumont's secret weapon, and Miss Usher, one of the surviving teachers at Innsmouth Academy, tells you that the info might be hidden in a secret vault the Illuminati were rumoured to store all their occult knowledge in. Unfortunately, nobody knows where this vault is hidden... right up until the Headmaster and the surviving student starts volunteering information about it, with Carter even providing exact directions and explaining that most of the seniors knew about it too.
Another one from the Academy: Hayden Montag casually remarking that the best way to kill a feral Familiar is via "a swift, decapitating blow with a spade," and warning you not to use a fire-axe lest it "rebound from the vertebrae." Naturally, Usher has to ask if he knows this from first-hand experience; his only response: "A teacher is only as good as his tools!"
Montag is a fountain of these kind of moments, in no small part due to the fact that he's so direly serious. At one point, after he points out that the protective wards need be refuelled with sacrifices of anima, Usher sarcastically remarks that they could have a sacrificial donation drive, or a bake sale. Without a hint of irony, Montag remarks "Delightful!"
"As I would tell parents- before I was retired from the reparation committee- you cannot vivisect a ghoul without breaking a few legs!"
Montag: It is has been said that there is a skeleton in every closet here at Innsmouth. That is simply not true: they were laid into the very foundation walls. The basement might bleed if you chipped beneath the plaster.
Carter: That's a figure of speech, right?
Usher: I'm sorry, Carter.
Carter: Oh my God, have you ever heard of a white lie?
Usher:: I would think the first time yer' bricked in is probably the worst time.
Montag:: In my experience each time begins a new session of claustrophobic terror.
Usher:: Yer' like the world's revenge on sarcasm, d'you know that?
"No running in the halls! The floors are quite slick with blood."
Säid, an Ancient Egyptian mummy who's reinvented himself as a yuppie. His introduction in "The High Cost Of Dying", in which he casually takes a photo of you with his smartphone.
"Ever banished a minor deity? Could be downright educational for you, a real opportunity; I should charge for this. (beat) Alright, it's on the house. You're killing me."
"This fracas is going to cost. Not us, of course; we'll find a way to turn the country's devastation to a loss leader. Too Soon? Don't think of me as heartless: it's shrivelled to the size of a walnut, but I still have it rattling around here somewhere..."
"Well then, I thought we might treat ourselves to an ice-lolly after the meeting..."
The Dragon's report in the aftermath of "Rolls Downhill," in which they discuss the Morninglight: first it talks about the cult's founder and leader, Philip Marquard, who is crafted to be perfect in every way: "Perfect family, perfect dog, perfect teeth." Then it talks about Che Garcia Hansson, the effortlessly sleazy Morninglight cultist quest-giver, who is summarized as "Dead family, dumb dog, rotten teeth."
Sam Krieg's letter to his agent in "Crime and Punishment." Up until now, Krieg's been too much of a morbid old Jerk Ass to be especially funny; however, the unsent mail is absolutely hilarious, at least partly because Krieg was evident too pissed off to keep up the "aloof dickhead" act at the time:
Oh, and thank you for the GPS, Linda: it tried its utmost to steer me into a fiery fucking death.
The photo of Krieg and his Loony Fan - which Krieg threw away at the first opportunity. Words cannot express just how utterly furious Krieg looks compared to the fan.
Communist Gnomes. That is all.
Richard Sonnac, the Templar contact, frequently lays on the snark in his replies after mission reports(paraphrased):
Sonnac: This investigation is something you might like to pursue when you have no other priorities. (Beat) By the way, you have other priorities.
Sonnac:(via text message) I believe this impersonal mode of communication perfectly conveys my lack of surprise at the Illuminati's folly. Who would have thought that stockpiling flesh constructs could possibly backfire?
Nassir, the Marya demolitions expert with a fondness for American action films. He greets you with an enthusiastic "HIGH FIVE!", and the way he dances in the background of some cutscenes just has to be seen.
Pretty much everything Säid and Nassir say to each other in the final mission-chain of Last Train to Cairo is hilarious.
The Frosty Tentacle Topper- given as a freebie to subscribers in December 2012. A top hat strung with long blue tentacles and surrounded by a perpetual rain of snowflakes.
For once, both Geary and Sonnac have equally hilarious responses - in this case, their "You killed what?" reaction to the Gilded Rage event and it's Golden Golem boss.
Geary: It's like Paris Hilton and Snoop Lion teamed up to do some geomancy. Shit I'd better make sure her hypnotherapist hasn't been mindfucking her again. As for you, nice work saving the world from Blingzilla.
Sonnac: Sometimes I feel like a character in a Roald Dahl novel, rather than a crusader fighting to preserve the world from the grasp of indescribable evil.
The League of Monster Hunters' book on local monsters: amongst other things, it includes entries on Headmaster Montag and Ms Usher.