Funny / The Rock

  • Mason and Goodspeed are sneaking around in the tunnels:
    Goodspeed: You enjoying this?
    Mason: Well, it's certainly more enjoyable than my average day; reading philosophy and avoiding gang rape in the washrooms. Though, it's less of a problem these days. Maybe I'm losing my sex appeal.
  • The first scene in the lab, in which the nerve gas begins eating through their protective suits, and upon learning they have to inject the antidote straight into the heart with a very long needle. Not the danger itself, of course, but the reaction to it (complete with the cartoonish way he's pressed against the glass, brandishing the long syringe with one hand and pointing to it with the other):
    "Look how big this is; you want me to stick this into my heart? Are you fucking nuts?!"
  • The streetcar driver after the chase scene.
    "Shit! This sucks! Where that son of a bitch at? That motherfucker ain't safe nowhere!"
  • Mason on the car phone.
    "I'm only borrowing your humvee."
  • This exchange:
    Goodspeed: May I also suggest, uh, a haircut?
    Mason: Am I out of style?
    Goodspeed: Unless you're a 20-year-old guitarist from Seattle. It's a grunge thing.
    • Then later, there's the one between Mason and the hairdresser:
    Hairdresser: Ugh! Who did this to you? This isn't right! In fact, it's nasty!
    Mason: It's a..."grunge" thing.
    Hairdresser: Well, it's some kind of thing...
    • Said hairdresser also complains when the agents don't want him using scissors around Mason ("No scissors, you've gotta be kidding me. Did they tell Picasso no brush?"). Mason then offhandedly says "Can't cut anyone's balls off with a trimmer, now can I?"
    • And of course the follow-up after Mason handily PWNs the agents guarding him:
    "Okay, I don't want to know nothing. I never saw you throw that gentleman off the balcony. All I care about is: are you happy with your haircut?"
  • The exchange in the morgue:
    (Mason and Goodspeed have just killed a squad of Hummel's marines. A corpse's foot starts twitching.)
    Goodspeed: Okay,'ve been around a lot of corpses. Is that normal?
    Mason: What, the feet thing?
    Goodspeed: Yes, the feet thing!
    Mason: Yeah, it happens...
    Goodspeed: Look, I'm having trouble concentrating...can you do something about it?
    Mason: Well, like what? Kill him again?
  • "I just bring it up because... it's you. You're the Rocket Man."
  • Kid on motorcycle: Hey man, you just fucked up your Ferrari.
    Goodspeed: It's not mine. [kid laughs] And neither is this.
  • This exchange between Mason and Goodspeed, which falls somewhere between Crowning Moment of Funny and Crowning Moment of Awesome:
    Mason: You sure you're up to this?
    Goodspeed: I'm doing my best.
    Mason: Your best? Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.
    Goodspeed: Carla was the prom queen.
    Mason: Really?
    (Goodspeed cocks his gun)
    Goodspeed: Yeah.
  • The first mention of Mason.
    Womack: And if he hits the streets...
    Chief Justice: He's not gonna "hit the streets", Jim! Thirty years ago, he was a highly trained SAS operative. He's my age now, for Christ's sake. I gotta get up 3 times a night to take a piss!
  • The definition of a combat situation.
    An incursion underwater to re-take an impregnable fortress held by an elite team of US Marines in possession of 81 hostages and 15 guided rockets armed with VX poison gas.
  • Mason shrugging off his decision to come back;
    Mason: Last time I swam that channel I was your age, so I'm fucked either way.
  • A rather dark one when the president is being told how much damage a single missile filled with the gas could do.
    President: What's the estimated body count for each missile?
    Adviser: Sixty or seventy.
    Chief of Staff: [relieved] Oh, that's not so bad.
    Adviser: Thousand. Seventy thousand. Dead. One teaspoon of this hits the floor, it's lethal up to... a hundred feet. One teaspoon of this shit detonated in the atmosphere... will kill every living organism in an eight-block radius. Get the point?
  • "What kind of fucked up tour is this?"
    • And this exchange between Bob and another hostage:
    Ranger Bob: I'm not allowed to carry a gun.
    Hostage: Oh, you're not allowed to carry a gun? I got a goddamned gun. If I'd have known this was gonna happen, I'd have brought my motherfuckin' gun! Help!
  • Mason's face when his really clever technique to open the door cell... opens the cell next to his.
  • Nicolas Cage Chewing the Scenery when Goodspeed is locked in a cell with no way out, with Mason calmly listening to him in next cell over and rolling his eyes.
    Goodspeed: "I'd take pleasure in guttin' you, boy..." "I'll take pleasure in guttin' you... BOY!" What the hell's wrong with these people, huh, Mason? Don't you think there's a lot of, uh...anger flowin' around this island? Kind of a...pubescent volatility? Don't you think? A lot of angst? A lot of "I'm sixteen, I'm angry at my father!" syndrome? I mean, grow up! We're stuck on an island with a bunch of violence-for-pleasure-seeking psychopathic marines! SHAME! ON! THEM! (beat) Anyway, I only got one chem round, and there's two left, so... Mason?
    Mason: Yes, I'm here. I was just thinking about how wonderful it was when the inmates weren't allowed to talk in here.
    • Then in the same scene, when Mason finally helps them escape. Hilariousness from Cage, awesomeness from Connery:
    Goodspeed: You broke out...let me see if I can get this straight...down the incinerator chute, on the mine car, through the tunnels to the power plant, under the steam engine—that was really cool, by the way —and into the cistern...through the intake pipe. the name of Zeus' BUTTHOLE!... did you get out of your cell? I only ask because in our current situation, could prove to be useful information. MAYBE!
    (without answering, Mason unlocks his cell doors with an improvised grappling hook, then calmly walks over to Goodspeed to free him)
    Mason: Trade secrets, my son.
  • Mason going through the incinerator.
    Shep: "Where'd you dig up this guy?"
    Stan: "That's classified."
  • One of Anderson's men says "We're dead" after he refuses Hummell's order to surrender.