- The duo evade some guards by jumping into a pair of water-filled barrels, with Miguel betting Tulio that they can make it. They survive the drop.
Miguel: [cheerfully from inside his barrel] You lose!
[two coins flip from inside Tulio's barrel to Miguel's]
- Miguel and Tulio are stranded in the ocean on a rowboat with Altivo.
Miguel: Did you ever imagine it would end like this?
Tulio: The horse is a surprise.
- While sitting in the rowboat, a seagull lands on one of the oars, indicating that land is near. It then promptly dies. When the starving duo reach for it, a shark pops up and steals it with a huge crunch, and they are just frozen at the unfairness of it all. Hilarious. Even the horse is heartbroken!
- Any of the "duel" scenes:
Tulio: I will give you the honor of a quick and painless death! (pulls a tiny dagger from a guard) But not with that. (switches it for a rapier) I prefer to fight fairly!Miguel: Oh, you fight like my sister!Tulio: I... fought your sister - that's a compliment!
- Also the fact that Kenneth Branagh and Kevin Kline were actually using plastic swords in the recording booth during this scene.
- Or when Miguel realizes that some landmarks on the island match up with the map they won/stole:
Miguel: You said it yourself it was possible, and it is! It really is! The map to EL DORADO!Tulio: ...You drank the seawater, didn't you?
- "You kept the map, but you couldn't grab a little more food?!"
- Tulio tries to get Miguel to stay away from Chel:
Tulio: The little voice? Remember the little voice? Just for a second imagine that you have one. What would it be saying about Chel?Miguel: ....Mmmmmrrr...
- An El Dorado warrior gets mauled, chewed on, and finally thrown to the ground by the jaguar statue:
"I'm okay!"(The jaguar steps on him)(muffled) "I'm still okay!"
- Miguel and Tulio's first test as gods in El Dorado, involving the conveniently erupting volcano.
- Tulio's Big Word Shout causes all the smoke to retreat back into the volcano. Then it lets out a cough.
- They leap into a pair of barrels, which are promptly shut over their heads.
Tulio: What's happening here?Miguel: (deadpan) We are both in barrels, that is the extent of my knowledge.
- After the duo is found and dragged before Cortez, he coolly informs them that they will be flogged, locked up and brought along to Cuba, where they will be flogged again and used as slave labor for the rest of their lives.
Miguel: Alright - Cuba!
- Upon seeing the giant stone jaguar, Miguel and Tulio perform the best girly scream ever in unison.
- The crown jewel of the film is after Chel convinces the boys to let her in on the con and reveals that she swiped Tulio's loaded dice.
Tulio: (snatches the dice) Hey, how'd you get those?
Tulio: (raises eyebrow) Uh, do you mind?Chel: (without a shred of shame) No. — Oh! Oh. Sorry. (starts to back out of the room, but keeps staring and eventually closes the curtain after thoroughly checking them out) Bye.
- Immediately afterward, Chel gives them their ceremonial clothes to change into. And then doesn't leave when they start undressing.
- Their excuse for not sacrificing an innocent man to Xibalba:
Tulio: The stars are not in position for this tribute!Miguel: (behind him, dragging the helpless man to safety, utterly deadpan) Like he says. (beat) Stars. (beat) Can't do it. (disappears for a beat, only to stick his head back in the frame) Not today.
- "Excuse me, I have to go gloat over my gold."
- Miguel and an angelic choir seem about to launch into another song as he looks out at El Dorado before Tulio stops it, complete with a record scratch sound effect.
- The entire "lay low" sequence.
- Tzekel-Khan starts in on about human sacrifice again with Tulio.
Tzekel-Kan: Do you wish to have your victims bound to an altar, or would you prefer them free-range?
Tzekel-Khan: Finally...[wipes away a tear] We're connecting!
- At the end of the conversation, Tulio and Chel make a hasty exit.
- After the two get themselves in deeper trouble, Tulio gives Miguel a withering Death Glare.
Miguel: Well don't blame me!
Tulio: I blame you!
- Many of Chel's Silent Snarker moments.
- "Apparently, El Dorado is native for great. Big. ROCK!" Tulio's finest ham.
Miguel: Do you think Cortes could have gotten here before us and —Tulio: And what?! Taken all the really big rocks? The scoundrel!
- That line was even funnier in the Norwegian dub, where Tulio really drags out the vowels: "Stor. Svær. STEEIIIIN!"
- A few funny scenes come from the duo's imprisonment in Cortez's brig. For example, Tulio's plan on escaping, which he comes up with after spending a lot of time in the brig literally banging his head against the wall.
Tulio: Here's the plan. In the dead of night you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those, uh, longboats, and then we row back to Spain like there's no mañana!Miguel: Back to Spain? Yeah?Tulio: Yeah!Miguel: In a rowboat?Tulio: You got it.Miguel: Great. Sensational. And, and that's, that's your plan, is it?Tulio: That's... pretty much it.Miguel: Well, I like it! So, how do we get on deck?Tulio: In the dead of night you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those, uh, longboats—
Miguel: All you have to do is find a prybar. A long piece of iron with a hooky thing at the end.Tulio: Miguel, you're talking to a horse!Miguel: That's it Altivo, find the prybar!Tulio: Yes. "Find the prybar." He can't understand prybar! He's a dumb horse. There's no way he—(Altivo brings them the key to their cell. Beat.)Tulio: Well, it's not a prybar.
- Later, Miguel attempting to convince the horse, Altivo, to find them a prybar to escape their cell with in exchange for an apple.
Miguel: Look on the positive side! At least things can't get - [thunderclap, cue heavy rain]
- The two are making their escape after Altivo brings them the key, and the horse objects when Miguel hasn't given him his apple yet. Tulio grabs it and chucks it to Altivo, with it ricocheting off several surfaces and back off the side of the boat. Cut to Miguel and Tulio lowering their stolen rowboat slowly as Altivo sails past, having jumped off the side of the boat after the apple.
- The two are in the rowboat with minimal supplies and a horse and no idea of which way they need to go.
Tulio: I'm sorry, were you going to say worse?
- This exchange near the end of the movie:
Tulio: Okay... Here's the gate , here's the boat...Chel: Uh huh, and?Tulio: (rubs his forehead) Aaargh! Here's the gate...Chel: Uh huh, and?Tulio: ...here's the boat...Chel: Got that... and?Tulio: Well... Here's the goat, and here's the bait...Chel: TULIO!
- This bit, when introducing themselves to the city:
Miguel: I am Miguel.Tulio: And I am Tulio.Miguel: (tries to dismount, snags his foot on Altivo's reins, recovers) And they call us Miguel and Tulio!
- A more downplayed bit of humor but still funny:
Chel: I want in.Tulio: In?Chel: On your scam.Tulio: (nervous laugh) Wha-there's no scam, why would you think there's a... Why?
- Tzekel-Kan takes his evil magic potions with a tiny umbrella in them, apparently.
- When Tulio and Miguel are stuck in the brig of Cortez's ship, Tulio demonstrates his unique strategy for thinking up an escape plan.
Tulio: (smacking his forehead on one of the support beams, having left a sizeable dent in the wood)Miguel: So, um, how's the escape plan coming?Tulio: (looks up from the post with a glimmer of hope, or possibly concussion) Wait... wait wait wait, I-I'm getting something... (goes back to smacking his forehead in time with the music)
- "HOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLY SHIP!"
- At one point, during the song "The Trail We Blaze", Miguel and Tulio are standing by a river and Miguel is cutting through a lot of foliage. Exasperated, Tulio jumps into the river and wades through it, indicating that they could also cross. Unfortunately, Tulio ends up getting leeches on his back and Miguel has to pick them off.
- "On the one hand: GOLD. On the other hand:" (points to a tapestry of a man getting his heart ripped out) "PAINFUL AGONIZING FAILURE!"
- This, not unlike the Stars, has reached meme levels.
- "YOW! Your horse bit me in the BUTT!"
- Of course, Miguel and Tulio get found out eventually:
Tzekel-Kan: You! Are not! GODS!Tulio: (points at Miguel) You're not a god?
- When Miguel and Tulio use vines to avoid the jaguar statue, it leaps at Tzekel-Kan instead. He's understandably dismayed, and the jaguar statue's jaw drops off. It's almost too quick to notice. Makes one wonder if the jaguar did the air quotes when Tzekel-Kan first unleashed him.
- As they're once again led to what they assume is their deaths:
Miguel: Tulio, I just want to let you know, I'm sorry about that girl in Barcelona.Tulio: So, you — you f—Tzekel-Kan: BEHOLD!
- "Big smile! Like you mean it!"
- Miguel has talked Tulio into looking for El Dorado... but is not entirely sure where it is.
Miguel: We'll follow the trail!Tulio: What trail?Miguel: The trail that we blaze!(Hacks at overgrowth... to reveal a massive lump of rock.)Miguel: (Beat, then points further down the beach) That trail that we blaze!Tulio: Oh, boy.
Funny / The Road to El Dorado
This entire movie is built on the premise that Those Two Guys got a movie of their own the first time around, instead of waiting for the sequel... so the movie is just packed with very funny lines.